I’ve got a question for you do you think you’re clever be honest my answers yes I
you’re clever be honest my answers yes I
you’re clever be honest my answers yes I think I’m clever don’t get me wrong when
think I’m clever don’t get me wrong when
think I’m clever don’t get me wrong when I was a student at Cambridge in that
I was a student at Cambridge in that
I was a student at Cambridge in that context I was distinctly average I’m not
context I was distinctly average I’m not
context I was distinctly average I’m not a genius I am quite a quick thinker next
a genius I am quite a quick thinker next
a genius I am quite a quick thinker next question are you proud of that whether
question are you proud of that whether
question are you proud of that whether you think you’re clever or you don’t are
you think you’re clever or you don’t are
you think you’re clever or you don’t are you proud of that fact my answer is yes
you proud of that fact my answer is yes
you proud of that fact my answer is yes again and I don’t think I’m alone
again and I don’t think I’m alone
again and I don’t think I’m alone Society encourages us to celebrate
Society encourages us to celebrate
Society encourages us to celebrate academic achievement when I was offered
academic achievement when I was offered
academic achievement when I was offered that place at Cambridge people
that place at Cambridge people
that place at Cambridge people congratulated me we perceive intellect
congratulated me we perceive intellect
congratulated me we perceive intellect as valuable new question do you think
as valuable new question do you think
as valuable new question do you think you’re emotional now before I answer
you’re emotional now before I answer
you’re emotional now before I answer this one I’m gonna rewind 10 years here
this one I’m gonna rewind 10 years here
this one I’m gonna rewind 10 years here in 2008 my answer is a hard no I am NOT
in 2008 my answer is a hard no I am NOT
in 2008 my answer is a hard no I am NOT an emotional person it takes a minimum
an emotional person it takes a minimum
an emotional person it takes a minimum of half an hour of violins for a film to
of half an hour of violins for a film to
of half an hour of violins for a film to make me cry I’m very slow to anger and
make me cry I’m very slow to anger and
make me cry I’m very slow to anger and even when I do I just go disturbingly
even when I do I just go disturbingly
even when I do I just go disturbingly still and calm I’m really level-headed
still and calm I’m really level-headed
still and calm I’m really level-headed final question whether you think you’re
final question whether you think you’re
final question whether you think you’re emotional or you don’t are you proud of
emotional or you don’t are you proud of
emotional or you don’t are you proud of that again in 2008 my answer is a big
that again in 2008 my answer is a big
that again in 2008 my answer is a big yes I was really proud of being a
yes I was really proud of being a
yes I was really proud of being a logical person
logical person
logical person I even subscribed to the idea that I
I even subscribed to the idea that I
I even subscribed to the idea that I wasn’t like other girls because I wasn’t
wasn’t like other girls because I wasn’t
wasn’t like other girls because I wasn’t some infuriating mass of uncontrollable
some infuriating mass of uncontrollable
some infuriating mass of uncontrollable emotions you could rely on me to be
emotions you could rely on me to be
emotions you could rely on me to be reasonable and rational now spoiler
reasonable and rational now spoiler
reasonable and rational now spoiler alert other girls are awesome feelings
alert other girls are awesome feelings
alert other girls are awesome feelings are your friends and I was wrong so why
are your friends and I was wrong so why
are your friends and I was wrong so why did I think this way again society
did I think this way again society
did I think this way again society sanctions they value judgment when was
sanctions they value judgment when was
sanctions they value judgment when was the last time you were congratulated on
the last time you were congratulated on
the last time you were congratulated on having a really good cry
having a really good cry
having a really good cry well it’s more likely that you will have
well it’s more likely that you will have
well it’s more likely that you will have been shamed for expressing emotion to
been shamed for expressing emotion to
been shamed for expressing emotion to get emotional is to be irrational to
get emotional is to be irrational to
get emotional is to be irrational to lose your right to be taken seriously to
lose your right to be taken seriously to
lose your right to be taken seriously to be listened to
be listened to
be listened to alright don’t get emotional don’t pay
alright don’t get emotional don’t pay
alright don’t get emotional don’t pay any attention to her she’s just upset
any attention to her she’s just upset
any attention to her she’s just upset calm down dear this idea goes all the
calm down dear this idea goes all the
calm down dear this idea goes all the way back to the ancient Greeks when I
way back to the ancient Greeks when I
way back to the ancient Greeks when I was studying philosophy I read Plato’s
was studying philosophy I read Plato’s
was studying philosophy I read Plato’s Republic in which he puts forward his
Republic in which he puts forward his
Republic in which he puts forward his tripartite theory of the soul according
tripartite theory of the soul according
tripartite theory of the soul according to Plato our psyche is made up of three
to Plato our psyche is made up of three
to Plato our psyche is made up of three distinct parts reason the rational part
distinct parts reason the rational part
distinct parts reason the rational part which is the source of understanding
which is the source of understanding
which is the source of understanding appetite which is the source of physical
appetite which is the source of physical
appetite which is the source of physical desires for things like food and sex and
desires for things like food and sex and
desires for things like food and sex and spirit which is the source of emotion
spirit which is the source of emotion
spirit which is the source of emotion and the motivation for action
and the motivation for action
and the motivation for action according to Plato in a good person
according to Plato in a good person
according to Plato in a good person reason is in control he used the analogy
reason is in control he used the analogy
reason is in control he used the analogy of a charioteer holding the reins of two
of a charioteer holding the reins of two
of a charioteer holding the reins of two horses reason is the charioteer and
horses reason is the charioteer and
horses reason is the charioteer and appetite and spirit for the horses well
appetite and spirit for the horses well
appetite and spirit for the horses well they’re good servants they pull the
they’re good servants they pull the
they’re good servants they pull the chariot along but they must be directed
chariot along but they must be directed
chariot along but they must be directed by reason reason is holding the reins
by reason reason is holding the reins
by reason reason is holding the reins and the whip the message is clear our
and the whip the message is clear our
and the whip the message is clear our rational thoughts are superior to our
rational thoughts are superior to our
rational thoughts are superior to our emotions I related to this picture of
emotions I related to this picture of
emotions I related to this picture of the mind and it served me well in my
the mind and it served me well in my
the mind and it served me well in my studies and in my life my reason was a
studies and in my life my reason was a
studies and in my life my reason was a formidable weapon I could fight anyone
formidable weapon I could fight anyone
formidable weapon I could fight anyone in anything with my razor-sharp logic
in anything with my razor-sharp logic
in anything with my razor-sharp logic and it made me feel secure I was
and it made me feel secure I was
and it made me feel secure I was standing on a solid foundation
standing on a solid foundation
standing on a solid foundation unshakeable and then the earth shifted
unshakeable and then the earth shifted
unshakeable and then the earth shifted beneath my feet and slipped away leaving
beneath my feet and slipped away leaving
beneath my feet and slipped away leaving me in freefall one sunny day in August
me in freefall one sunny day in August
me in freefall one sunny day in August of 2010 I called my dad Pete to check in
of 2010 I called my dad Pete to check in
of 2010 I called my dad Pete to check in he had just found out that he had an
he had just found out that he had an
he had just found out that he had an inoperable brain tumor that was going to
inoperable brain tumor that was going to
inoperable brain tumor that was going to kill him my world exploded a little bit
kill him my world exploded a little bit
kill him my world exploded a little bit it turns out in the face of actual real
it turns out in the face of actual real
it turns out in the face of actual real life death reason is pretty useless you
life death reason is pretty useless you
life death reason is pretty useless you can’t argue with death I could barely
can’t argue with death I could barely
can’t argue with death I could barely comprehend
comprehend
comprehend it death was unimaginable impossible but
it death was unimaginable impossible but
it death was unimaginable impossible but my dad did die two months after that
my dad did die two months after that
my dad did die two months after that phone call my emotion crashed through me
phone call my emotion crashed through me
phone call my emotion crashed through me like a tidal wave it washed away
like a tidal wave it washed away
like a tidal wave it washed away everything in its path reason didn’t
everything in its path reason didn’t
everything in its path reason didn’t stand a chance it was drowned the scale
stand a chance it was drowned the scale
stand a chance it was drowned the scale and depth of my emotion was a shock to
and depth of my emotion was a shock to
and depth of my emotion was a shock to me I mean of course you’d expect it to
me I mean of course you’d expect it to
me I mean of course you’d expect it to be upsetting your dad dying but it was
be upsetting your dad dying but it was
be upsetting your dad dying but it was physically painful maybe I could have
physically painful maybe I could have
physically painful maybe I could have avoided this pain by shutting down
avoided this pain by shutting down
avoided this pain by shutting down emotionally but I’m so glad I didn’t I
emotionally but I’m so glad I didn’t I
emotionally but I’m so glad I didn’t I allowed myself to feel the full
allowed myself to feel the full
allowed myself to feel the full magnitude of my agony at this kind
magnitude of my agony at this kind
magnitude of my agony at this kind curious lovely man ceasing to exist and
curious lovely man ceasing to exist and
curious lovely man ceasing to exist and that also allowed me to feel immense
that also allowed me to feel immense
that also allowed me to feel immense gratitude for the fact that he had
gratitude for the fact that he had
gratitude for the fact that he had existed and he had loved me and I him in
existed and he had loved me and I him in
existed and he had loved me and I him in order to feel the good things you have
order to feel the good things you have
order to feel the good things you have to expose yourself to the risk of
to expose yourself to the risk of
to expose yourself to the risk of feeling shit things if you love someone
feeling shit things if you love someone
feeling shit things if you love someone you’ve got a lot to lose and if you’ve
you’ve got a lot to lose and if you’ve
you’ve got a lot to lose and if you’ve got a lot to lose you’re vulnerable but
got a lot to lose you’re vulnerable but
got a lot to lose you’re vulnerable but if you’ve got nothing to lose
if you’ve got nothing to lose
if you’ve got nothing to lose you’ve got nothing so if you’re
you’ve got nothing so if you’re
you’ve got nothing so if you’re vulnerable you’re lucky so was it
vulnerable you’re lucky so was it
vulnerable you’re lucky so was it irrational for me to get emotional about
irrational for me to get emotional about
irrational for me to get emotional about my dad’s death
my dad’s death
my dad’s death of course not it was vital emotion is
of course not it was vital emotion is
of course not it was vital emotion is the key to human connection what’s more
the key to human connection what’s more
the key to human connection what’s more important than connecting with the other
important than connecting with the other
important than connecting with the other humans we share this planet with so why
humans we share this planet with so why
humans we share this planet with so why didn’t I prize my emotions as highly as
didn’t I prize my emotions as highly as
didn’t I prize my emotions as highly as I prized my intellect
I prized my intellect
I prized my intellect well my intellect was a form of
well my intellect was a form of
well my intellect was a form of self-defense those emotions were painful
self-defense those emotions were painful
self-defense those emotions were painful and I well you might assume that I would
and I well you might assume that I would
and I well you might assume that I would have learnt my lesson and realized that
have learnt my lesson and realized that
have learnt my lesson and realized that it was worth going through that pain but
it was worth going through that pain but
it was worth going through that pain but I made the mistake of thinking that I’ve
I made the mistake of thinking that I’ve
I made the mistake of thinking that I’ve done it once and that was enough
done it once and that was enough
done it once and that was enough so two years after my dad died I got
so two years after my dad died I got
so two years after my dad died I got another phone call my mom Yasmine who
another phone call my mom Yasmine who
another phone call my mom Yasmine who had suffered from chronic degenerate
had suffered from chronic degenerate
had suffered from chronic degenerate multiple sclerosis ever since I could
multiple sclerosis ever since I could
multiple sclerosis ever since I could remember had been admitted into hospital
remember had been admitted into hospital
remember had been admitted into hospital with pneumonia there was a chance she
with pneumonia there was a chance she
with pneumonia there was a chance she wouldn’t survive the night I was afraid
wouldn’t survive the night I was afraid
wouldn’t survive the night I was afraid so what happened
so what happened
so what happened my reason kicked right back in to
my reason kicked right back in to
my reason kicked right back in to protect me I had done this before I was
protect me I had done this before I was
protect me I had done this before I was an expert at losing a parent I mean she
an expert at losing a parent I mean she
an expert at losing a parent I mean she would obviously die there’s no point
would obviously die there’s no point
would obviously die there’s no point battling that but I could fight grief
battling that but I could fight grief
battling that but I could fight grief all guns blazing I had no desire to
all guns blazing I had no desire to
all guns blazing I had no desire to spend another two months crying thank
spend another two months crying thank
spend another two months crying thank you very much no I was armed and I was
you very much no I was armed and I was
you very much no I was armed and I was ready death would not get me again my
ready death would not get me again my
ready death would not get me again my mum died a week before Christmas we had
mum died a week before Christmas we had
mum died a week before Christmas we had the funeral in January and the following
the funeral in January and the following
the funeral in January and the following evening I went to the theater and I
evening I went to the theater and I
evening I went to the theater and I bumped into a friend from drama school
bumped into a friend from drama school
bumped into a friend from drama school he asked me how my Christmas had been
he asked me how my Christmas had been
he asked me how my Christmas had been and I told him it had been a quiet one
and I told him it had been a quiet one
and I told him it had been a quiet one no point ruining a perfectly lovely
no point ruining a perfectly lovely
no point ruining a perfectly lovely evening with depressing details my
evening with depressing details my
evening with depressing details my ability to control my emotions has been
ability to control my emotions has been
ability to control my emotions has been compared to a superpower you see my mum
compared to a superpower you see my mum
compared to a superpower you see my mum was the strongest person I knew she was
was the strongest person I knew she was
was the strongest person I knew she was a black disabled lesbian single mother
a black disabled lesbian single mother
a black disabled lesbian single mother she grew up in a combination of abusive
she grew up in a combination of abusive
she grew up in a combination of abusive family homes children’s care homes and
family homes children’s care homes and
family homes children’s care homes and foster homes
foster homes
foster homes she went to about 30 different schools
she went to about 30 different schools
she went to about 30 different schools and yet somehow she taught herself to
and yet somehow she taught herself to
and yet somehow she taught herself to read and eventually earned herself a
read and eventually earned herself a
read and eventually earned herself a place at Cambridge
place at Cambridge
place at Cambridge she was formidable I always wanted to be
she was formidable I always wanted to be
she was formidable I always wanted to be as strong as her and I conflated
as strong as her and I conflated
as strong as her and I conflated strength with a lack of emotion to me to
strength with a lack of emotion to me to
strength with a lack of emotion to me to be overwhelmed with emotion was to be
be overwhelmed with emotion was to be
be overwhelmed with emotion was to be weak and that was something I would
weak and that was something I would
weak and that was something I would never be I needed so much to be strong I
never be I needed so much to be strong I
never be I needed so much to be strong I didn’t let myself feel so time for
didn’t let myself feel so time for
didn’t let myself feel so time for another spoiler alert that brooch didn’t
another spoiler alert that brooch didn’t
another spoiler alert that brooch didn’t work I stuck with it for about a year
work I stuck with it for about a year
work I stuck with it for about a year until my unacknowledged guilt at failing
until my unacknowledged guilt at failing
until my unacknowledged guilt at failing to properly mourn for my mom or really
to properly mourn for my mom or really
to properly mourn for my mom or really honor her memory gave me nightmares
honor her memory gave me nightmares
honor her memory gave me nightmares luckily for me I discovered another form
luckily for me I discovered another form
luckily for me I discovered another form of release I started to write I would
of release I started to write I would
of release I started to write I would sit at my little desk in the window with
sit at my little desk in the window with
sit at my little desk in the window with my notebook and my pen and I would dive
my notebook and my pen and I would dive
my notebook and my pen and I would dive headfirst into the murky waters
headfirst into the murky waters
headfirst into the murky waters my grief I would sit with the agony and
my grief I would sit with the agony and
my grief I would sit with the agony and with the beauty and shape them into
with the beauty and shape them into
with the beauty and shape them into words and cover the paper in my insides
words and cover the paper in my insides
words and cover the paper in my insides and I made another discovery not only is
and I made another discovery not only is
and I made another discovery not only is emotion the key to human connection it’s
emotion the key to human connection it’s
emotion the key to human connection it’s also at the root of my creativity I
also at the root of my creativity I
also at the root of my creativity I create from a place of unknowing my
create from a place of unknowing my
create from a place of unknowing my creative process is an emotional
creative process is an emotional
creative process is an emotional exploration of questions that logic
exploration of questions that logic
exploration of questions that logic alone cannot answer now I was able to
alone cannot answer now I was able to
alone cannot answer now I was able to literally make peace with my mum’s death
literally make peace with my mum’s death
literally make peace with my mum’s death through writing a play about my
through writing a play about my
through writing a play about my experience of grief
experience of grief
experience of grief so how why because in writing
so how why because in writing
so how why because in writing I found a context in which my emotions
I found a context in which my emotions
I found a context in which my emotions were valuable instead of trying to
were valuable instead of trying to
were valuable instead of trying to control them I tried to express them as
control them I tried to express them as
control them I tried to express them as vividly as possible
vividly as possible
vividly as possible I don’t expect you all to write a play
I don’t expect you all to write a play
I don’t expect you all to write a play but you can create a space for your
but you can create a space for your
but you can create a space for your emotions in your own way it could be
emotions in your own way it could be
emotions in your own way it could be music or meditation or running or
music or meditation or running or
music or meditation or running or painting it doesn’t really matter as
painting it doesn’t really matter as
painting it doesn’t really matter as long as you let them out when I started
long as you let them out when I started
long as you let them out when I started performing the play written I made
performing the play written I made
performing the play written I made another discovery emotion is the key to
another discovery emotion is the key to
another discovery emotion is the key to cultivating empathy I made myself
cultivating empathy I made myself
cultivating empathy I made myself vulnerable on stage I exposed the
vulnerable on stage I exposed the
vulnerable on stage I exposed the shadowy shameful messy emotions and a
shadowy shameful messy emotions and a
shadowy shameful messy emotions and a magical thing happened audiences didn’t
magical thing happened audiences didn’t
magical thing happened audiences didn’t turn away in horror and disgust I was an
turn away in horror and disgust I was an
turn away in horror and disgust I was an ostracized instead person after person
ostracized instead person after person
ostracized instead person after person quoted my words back to me in
quoted my words back to me in
quoted my words back to me in recognition they felt seen and so did I
recognition they felt seen and so did I
recognition they felt seen and so did I you see when you make yourself
you see when you make yourself
you see when you make yourself vulnerable you’re making an offer an
vulnerable you’re making an offer an
vulnerable you’re making an offer an offer of human connection again you may
offer of human connection again you may
offer of human connection again you may not fancy sharing your deepest darkest
not fancy sharing your deepest darkest
not fancy sharing your deepest darkest secrets onstage with hundreds of
secrets onstage with hundreds of
secrets onstage with hundreds of strangers and that’s fine each their own
strangers and that’s fine each their own
strangers and that’s fine each their own but maybe you could think of your
but maybe you could think of your
but maybe you could think of your vulnerability as a precious gift and you
vulnerability as a precious gift and you
vulnerability as a precious gift and you could try and find at least one
could try and find at least one
could try and find at least one a person to share it with because it
a person to share it with because it
a person to share it with because it will almost certainly bring you closer
will almost certainly bring you closer
will almost certainly bring you closer together and make you feel less alone
together and make you feel less alone
together and make you feel less alone you know I’m not going to lie to you I
you know I’m not going to lie to you I
you know I’m not going to lie to you I still control my emotions I’m very good
still control my emotions I’m very good
still control my emotions I’m very good at it and I’m still a rational person
at it and I’m still a rational person
at it and I’m still a rational person I’m still quite proud of it but having
I’m still quite proud of it but having
I’m still quite proud of it but having evaluated all of the evidence my reason
evaluated all of the evidence my reason
evaluated all of the evidence my reason has realized that my emotions are not
has realized that my emotions are not
has realized that my emotions are not the enemy my emotions don’t make me
the enemy my emotions don’t make me
the enemy my emotions don’t make me stupid in fact my emotions are what make
stupid in fact my emotions are what make
stupid in fact my emotions are what make my life worth living
yes to be emotional is to be vulnerable
yes to be emotional is to be vulnerable but to be vulnerable isn’t to be weak to
but to be vulnerable isn’t to be weak to
but to be vulnerable isn’t to be weak to be vulnerable is to be alive thank you
be vulnerable is to be alive thank you
be vulnerable is to be alive thank you [Applause]
”
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