Living with depression | Megan Beech | TEDxNewnham

hi so how many of you by show of hands

hi so how many of you by show of hands have ever been to a performance poetry

have ever been to a performance poetry

have ever been to a performance poetry event that’s quite good it’s quite good

event that’s quite good it’s quite good

event that’s quite good it’s quite good noonim

noonim

noonim a very cosmopolitan so performance

a very cosmopolitan so performance

a very cosmopolitan so performance poetry basically depending on who you

poetry basically depending on who you

poetry basically depending on who you ask

ask

ask some people might say it sounds a bit

some people might say it sounds a bit

some people might say it sounds a bit like a rap some people might say it’s

like a rap some people might say it’s

like a rap some people might say it’s definitely a poem and I would say it’s

definitely a poem and I would say it’s

definitely a poem and I would say it’s just me shouting things that rhyme

just me shouting things that rhyme

just me shouting things that rhyme incessantly until you hopefully have

incessantly until you hopefully have

incessantly until you hopefully have some emotional response so yeah today as

some emotional response so yeah today as

some emotional response so yeah today as Julie said I’m going to talk about

Julie said I’m going to talk about

Julie said I’m going to talk about depression the Evening Standard may have

depression the Evening Standard may have

depression the Evening Standard may have named me one of their top ten feminist

named me one of their top ten feminist

named me one of their top ten feminist modern day icons but funnily enough the

modern day icons but funnily enough the

modern day icons but funnily enough the paramedics who came to section me in a

paramedics who came to section me in a

paramedics who came to section me in a South London Hospital in 2015 hadn’t

South London Hospital in 2015 hadn’t

South London Hospital in 2015 hadn’t read the hot-off-the-press news and so

read the hot-off-the-press news and so

read the hot-off-the-press news and so yes I live everyday with multiple mental

yes I live everyday with multiple mental

yes I live everyday with multiple mental illnesses including anxiety and

illnesses including anxiety and

illnesses including anxiety and borderline personality disorder and but

borderline personality disorder and but

borderline personality disorder and but I also am still alive and I take 150

I also am still alive and I take 150

I also am still alive and I take 150 milligrams of searching in every day and

milligrams of searching in every day and

milligrams of searching in every day and I see a therapist twice a week and I’m

I see a therapist twice a week and I’m

I see a therapist twice a week and I’m not ashamed of that and this poem is a

not ashamed of that and this poem is a

not ashamed of that and this poem is a kind of way of looking looking into that

kind of way of looking looking into that

kind of way of looking looking into that and I I decided to focus on a Japanese

and I I decided to focus on a Japanese

and I I decided to focus on a Japanese joinery practice called kintsugi now for

joinery practice called kintsugi now for

joinery practice called kintsugi now for those of you who do not spend most of

those of you who do not spend most of

those of you who do not spend most of your lives on Shoreditch High Street

your lives on Shoreditch High Street

your lives on Shoreditch High Street mixing with folks who perhaps have

mixing with folks who perhaps have

mixing with folks who perhaps have decided to appropriate ancient spiritual

decided to appropriate ancient spiritual

decided to appropriate ancient spiritual cultural practices and stroked their

cultural practices and stroked their

cultural practices and stroked their long beards and think about them in a

long beards and think about them in a

long beards and think about them in a sort of very very unmeaning full kind of

sort of very very unmeaning full kind of

sort of very very unmeaning full kind of way you might not be familiar with the

way you might not be familiar with the

way you might not be familiar with the term kintsugi so kintsugi is the idea

term kintsugi so kintsugi is the idea

term kintsugi so kintsugi is the idea that when a pot breaks this is a

that when a pot breaks this is a

that when a pot breaks this is a Japanese practice so when a pot breaks

Japanese practice so when a pot breaks

Japanese practice so when a pot breaks instead of repairing it so you don’t see

instead of repairing it so you don’t see

instead of repairing it so you don’t see the kind of cracks and the kind of flaws

the kind of cracks and the kind of flaws

the kind of cracks and the kind of flaws of the objects you instead pipe gold in

of the objects you instead pipe gold in

of the objects you instead pipe gold in those into those cracks so they show up

those into those cracks so they show up

those into those cracks so they show up even more and that makes the thing

even more and that makes the thing

even more and that makes the thing actually a much more beautiful objects

actually a much more beautiful objects

actually a much more beautiful objects and I thought it to be an appropriate

and I thought it to be an appropriate

and I thought it to be an appropriate metaphor for having many many floors

metaphor for having many many floors

metaphor for having many many floors myself but still being alive I’ve been

myself but still being alive I’ve been

myself but still being alive I’ve been knocked off the shelf for a while now

knocked off the shelf for a while now

knocked off the shelf for a while now fractured fissure and forgotten on the

fractured fissure and forgotten on the

fractured fissure and forgotten on the floor I have poured every pore of my

floor I have poured every pore of my

floor I have poured every pore of my person into being a person but it still

person into being a person but it still

person into being a person but it still is not working I am still hurting

is not working I am still hurting

is not working I am still hurting bursting burning lis broken I have tried

bursting burning lis broken I have tried

bursting burning lis broken I have tried to paper over the cracks in my coping

to paper over the cracks in my coping

to paper over the cracks in my coping hoping that no one will notice the

hoping that no one will notice the

hoping that no one will notice the damage the severed ceramic there seemed

damage the severed ceramic there seemed

damage the severed ceramic there seemed split unseemly girl fragile and frantic

split unseemly girl fragile and frantic

split unseemly girl fragile and frantic I have danced this devastation in traces

I have danced this devastation in traces

I have danced this devastation in traces and scrapes across my brain sometimes

and scrapes across my brain sometimes

and scrapes across my brain sometimes across arteries and veins I have carved

across arteries and veins I have carved

across arteries and veins I have carved my shame into my skin turned it tracing

my shame into my skin turned it tracing

my shame into my skin turned it tracing paper thin made a battlefield of my body

paper thin made a battlefield of my body

paper thin made a battlefield of my body waged a war I can never hope to win but

waged a war I can never hope to win but

waged a war I can never hope to win but in the throes of this fitful friendly

in the throes of this fitful friendly

in the throes of this fitful friendly fire I clutch and I cling to that thing

fire I clutch and I cling to that thing

fire I clutch and I cling to that thing that Leonard Cohen used to sing about

that Leonard Cohen used to sing about

that Leonard Cohen used to sing about the crack in everything and that is how

the crack in everything and that is how

the crack in everything and that is how the light gets in and that is how the

the light gets in and that is how the

the light gets in and that is how the life gets in and that’s how we might

life gets in and that’s how we might

life gets in and that’s how we might begin to be better seized to be our own

begin to be better seized to be our own

begin to be better seized to be our own aching ailing aiding a better unclasp

aching ailing aiding a better unclasp

aching ailing aiding a better unclasp the pressure and rebuild refill rhe will

the pressure and rebuild refill rhe will

the pressure and rebuild refill rhe will our worlds into being full of feeling

our worlds into being full of feeling

our worlds into being full of feeling beyond measure when your storm feels too

beyond measure when your storm feels too

beyond measure when your storm feels too hard too harsh to weather remember

hard too harsh to weather remember

hard too harsh to weather remember kintsugi the art of building beauty from

kintsugi the art of building beauty from

kintsugi the art of building beauty from that which has been broken repairing the

that which has been broken repairing the

that which has been broken repairing the ruptures until at last they clean golden

ruptures until at last they clean golden

ruptures until at last they clean golden where Murph and dirge converge the hurt

where Murph and dirge converge the hurt

where Murph and dirge converge the hurt the worst the hurtling verge the hurts

the worst the hurtling verge the hurts

the worst the hurtling verge the hurts are interwoven not hidden left showing

are interwoven not hidden left showing

are interwoven not hidden left showing exposing the past of the pottery the

exposing the past of the pottery the

exposing the past of the pottery the cracks in the crockery the flawed and

cracks in the crockery the flawed and

cracks in the crockery the flawed and the tortured the confident and cautious

the tortured the confident and cautious

the tortured the confident and cautious the gaps and the gates the tragic

the gaps and the gates the tragic

the gaps and the gates the tragic mistakes that we fit back into place

mistakes that we fit back into place

mistakes that we fit back into place reshape and glue into gorgeous

reshape and glue into gorgeous

reshape and glue into gorgeous so forfeit the fort of being flawless

so forfeit the fort of being flawless

so forfeit the fort of being flawless find the sacred in your scars don’t be

find the sacred in your scars don’t be

find the sacred in your scars don’t be marred by the marks or the masks you

marred by the marks or the masks you

marred by the marks or the masks you have hidden behind stand adoring at the

have hidden behind stand adoring at the

have hidden behind stand adoring at the alter of being alive of keeping the

alter of being alive of keeping the

alter of being alive of keeping the coverage to sustain yourself and survive

coverage to sustain yourself and survive

coverage to sustain yourself and survive strengthen your not your fault lines

strengthen your not your fault lines

strengthen your not your fault lines until your majesty shines your vicious

until your majesty shines your vicious

until your majesty shines your vicious incisions in your soft skin arms your

incisions in your soft skin arms your

incisions in your soft skin arms your beating heart your precious Restless

beating heart your precious Restless

beating heart your precious Restless mind give them time REE Stitch the seams

mind give them time REE Stitch the seams

mind give them time REE Stitch the seams extend and expand your care there every

extend and expand your care there every

extend and expand your care there every piece of your being stay seeking the

piece of your being stay seeking the

piece of your being stay seeking the season of your soul stay believing in

season of your soul stay believing in

season of your soul stay believing in your bones embrace this holy unfolding

your bones embrace this holy unfolding

your bones embrace this holy unfolding find comfort consoling in knowing you

find comfort consoling in knowing you

find comfort consoling in knowing you are holy whole heartedly whole for

are holy whole heartedly whole for

are holy whole heartedly whole for everything grows nothing is forever

everything grows nothing is forever

everything grows nothing is forever inevitably sterile and stagnant life can

inevitably sterile and stagnant life can

inevitably sterile and stagnant life can be built out of dazzling filigreed

be built out of dazzling filigreed

be built out of dazzling filigreed fragments

fragments

fragments [Applause]