Wow thank you and so I’m lucky to be here today I’m lucky to be able to tell
here today I’m lucky to be able to tell
here today I’m lucky to be able to tell you a story that I really hope will help
you a story that I really hope will help
you a story that I really hope will help others I’m lucky to be alive
depression is still something we’d much
depression is still something we’d much rather not talk about it’s surrounded by
rather not talk about it’s surrounded by
rather not talk about it’s surrounded by stigma and stereotypes and good old
stigma and stereotypes and good old
stigma and stereotypes and good old fashioned awkwardness when it comes to
fashioned awkwardness when it comes to
fashioned awkwardness when it comes to talking about our mental health but for
talking about our mental health but for
talking about our mental health but for me I’d say depression has transformed my
me I’d say depression has transformed my
me I’d say depression has transformed my life it’s made me who I am and I think
life it’s made me who I am and I think
life it’s made me who I am and I think I’ve discovered a way where depression
I’ve discovered a way where depression
I’ve discovered a way where depression can be used to change my life and the
can be used to change my life and the
can be used to change my life and the lives of others for the better so for me
lives of others for the better so for me
lives of others for the better so for me I’ve struggled with depression and
I’ve struggled with depression and
I’ve struggled with depression and despair for most of my life I spent much
despair for most of my life I spent much
despair for most of my life I spent much of my teenage years and twenties in
of my teenage years and twenties in
of my teenage years and twenties in psychiatric hospitals very few people
psychiatric hospitals very few people
psychiatric hospitals very few people knew I was in hospital I took myself off
knew I was in hospital I took myself off
knew I was in hospital I took myself off from the University and didn’t tell my
from the University and didn’t tell my
from the University and didn’t tell my friends even those who did know didn’t
friends even those who did know didn’t
friends even those who did know didn’t really know they didn’t know I spent two
really know they didn’t know I spent two
really know they didn’t know I spent two years of my life with a nurse by my side
years of my life with a nurse by my side
years of my life with a nurse by my side every second of the day to stop me from
every second of the day to stop me from
every second of the day to stop me from harming myself they didn’t really know
harming myself they didn’t really know
harming myself they didn’t really know how many times I tried to kill myself
how many times I tried to kill myself
how many times I tried to kill myself or how hard I tried I was too ashamed of
or how hard I tried I was too ashamed of
or how hard I tried I was too ashamed of telling my story I was too ashamed of
telling my story I was too ashamed of
telling my story I was too ashamed of people knowing what was really going on
people knowing what was really going on
people knowing what was really going on for me I wore a mask people would come
for me I wore a mask people would come
for me I wore a mask people would come and visit me in hospital and I’d keep
and visit me in hospital and I’d keep
and visit me in hospital and I’d keep the conversation focused on them and not
the conversation focused on them and not
the conversation focused on them and not me It was as if we were just meeting up
me It was as if we were just meeting up
me It was as if we were just meeting up for a coffee the Moscow war carried on
for a coffee the Moscow war carried on
for a coffee the Moscow war carried on when I was in hospital I had act and
when I was in hospital I had act and
when I was in hospital I had act and pretend like I was a nurse rather than a
pretend like I was a nurse rather than a
pretend like I was a nurse rather than a patient in the way I went round smiling
patient in the way I went round smiling
patient in the way I went round smiling and trying to care for everyone else
what was going on for me was a terrible
what was going on for me was a terrible sense of shame a sense that I wasn’t
sense of shame a sense that I wasn’t
sense of shame a sense that I wasn’t good enough that I was the worst person
good enough that I was the worst person
good enough that I was the worst person in the whole wide world I really
in the whole wide world I really
in the whole wide world I really believed
believed
believed was terrible and I deserve to die what
was terrible and I deserve to die what
was terrible and I deserve to die what change for me was this sense of shame so
change for me was this sense of shame so
change for me was this sense of shame so two things happened first a friend who
two things happened first a friend who
two things happened first a friend who had met in a community hospital I was
had met in a community hospital I was
had met in a community hospital I was there for a couple of years and then she
there for a couple of years and then she
there for a couple of years and then she told me some of the things she talked
told me some of the things she talked
told me some of the things she talked about with her therapist I couldn’t
about with her therapist I couldn’t
about with her therapist I couldn’t believe it I couldn’t believe she was
believe it I couldn’t believe she was
believe it I couldn’t believe she was honest about some of the things she
honest about some of the things she
honest about some of the things she thought I thought exactly the same
thought I thought exactly the same
thought I thought exactly the same things but I’ve never actually said them
things but I’ve never actually said them
things but I’ve never actually said them out loud so I’m really grateful to her
out loud so I’m really grateful to her
out loud so I’m really grateful to her for what she did for me because she
for what she did for me because she
for what she did for me because she opened a door and made me think just
opened a door and made me think just
opened a door and made me think just maybe it’s possible to talk and be
maybe it’s possible to talk and be
maybe it’s possible to talk and be honest the other thing that happened was
honest the other thing that happened was
honest the other thing that happened was an encounter with my GP I’ve got to know
an encounter with my GP I’ve got to know
an encounter with my GP I’ve got to know him pretty well over the years and I was
him pretty well over the years and I was
him pretty well over the years and I was getting in again back to rent a hospital
getting in again back to rent a hospital
getting in again back to rent a hospital and he said to me we can do this Deb’s
and he said to me we can do this Deb’s
and he said to me we can do this Deb’s we can get you into a hospital we can
we can get you into a hospital we can
we can get you into a hospital we can start the treatment the therapy we can
start the treatment the therapy we can
start the treatment the therapy we can do all of that or you can just decide
do all of that or you can just decide
do all of that or you can just decide you’re okay decide I’m okay how dare he
you’re okay decide I’m okay how dare he
you’re okay decide I’m okay how dare he say that to me how dare he say I can
say that to me how dare he say I can
say that to me how dare he say I can just decide I’m okay it really wasn’t
just decide I’m okay it really wasn’t
just decide I’m okay it really wasn’t like that surely he didn’t understand
like that surely he didn’t understand
like that surely he didn’t understand but it played on my mind I trusted him
but it played on my mind I trusted him
but it played on my mind I trusted him and I thought and thought about it and
and I thought and thought about it and
and I thought and thought about it and it stayed it stayed with me for a long
it stayed it stayed with me for a long
it stayed it stayed with me for a long time and one day I decided to decided
time and one day I decided to decided
time and one day I decided to decided that I was okay I was the same as
that I was okay I was the same as
that I was okay I was the same as everyone else I didn’t need to be
everyone else I didn’t need to be
everyone else I didn’t need to be ashamed of my story I didn’t need to be
ashamed of my story I didn’t need to be
ashamed of my story I didn’t need to be ashamed of who I was what I look like my
ashamed of who I was what I look like my
ashamed of who I was what I look like my personality my background the things I
personality my background the things I
personality my background the things I thought my mental health problems I was
thought my mental health problems I was
thought my mental health problems I was okay I had good and bad bits but
okay I had good and bad bits but
okay I had good and bad bits but basically I was the same as every other
basically I was the same as every other
basically I was the same as every other human being on the planet for me that
human being on the planet for me that
human being on the planet for me that was a massive revelation after a number
was a massive revelation after a number
was a massive revelation after a number of years of practicing telling my story
of years of practicing telling my story
of years of practicing telling my story I have learned there was a way to do it
I have learned there was a way to do it
I have learned there was a way to do it that invites interest in connection as
that invites interest in connection as
that invites interest in connection as opposed to awkward moments and
opposed to awkward moments and
opposed to awkward moments and embarrassment one example is that of my
embarrassment one example is that of my
embarrassment one example is that of my now
now
now husband I’ve been getting to know him on
husband I’ve been getting to know him on
husband I’ve been getting to know him on a surface kind of level when I knew it
a surface kind of level when I knew it
a surface kind of level when I knew it was time to tell him my story I was
was time to tell him my story I was
was time to tell him my story I was absolutely terrified I was so scared
absolutely terrified I was so scared
absolutely terrified I was so scared he’d reject me but one day I summoned up
he’d reject me but one day I summoned up
he’d reject me but one day I summoned up the courage I took a deep breath and I
the courage I took a deep breath and I
the courage I took a deep breath and I just blurted it out probably really
just blurted it out probably really
just blurted it out probably really quickly he was probably a bit
quickly he was probably a bit
quickly he was probably a bit overwhelmed by his response he was
overwhelmed by his response he was
overwhelmed by his response he was amazing his response was it’s not ideal
amazing his response was it’s not ideal
amazing his response was it’s not ideal but it doesn’t change anything I
but it doesn’t change anything I
but it doesn’t change anything I couldn’t believe it it’s not ideal it
couldn’t believe it it’s not ideal it
couldn’t believe it it’s not ideal it doesn’t change anything
doesn’t change anything
doesn’t change anything well my story was worth but he was so I
well my story was worth but he was so I
well my story was worth but he was so I we moved on we got married and we do
we moved on we got married and we do
we moved on we got married and we do life together now after practicing
life together now after practicing
life together now after practicing telling my story to other people I know
telling my story to other people I know
telling my story to other people I know that there’s a way to do it that makes
that there’s a way to do it that makes
that there’s a way to do it that makes people interested and realize that
people interested and realize that
people interested and realize that you’re unique and different but not
you’re unique and different but not
you’re unique and different but not different in a special kind of way in
different in a special kind of way in
different in a special kind of way in that you’re unique and able to have
that you’re unique and able to have
that you’re unique and able to have learn and developed through your
learn and developed through your
learn and developed through your experiences so I know that to get
experiences so I know that to get
experiences so I know that to get through what I have and must be
through what I have and must be
through what I have and must be resourceful so I wouldn’t have asked for
resourceful so I wouldn’t have asked for
resourceful so I wouldn’t have asked for help from other people I must have some
help from other people I must have some
help from other people I must have some inner strength in order to get through
inner strength in order to get through
inner strength in order to get through life both inside and outside of hospital
life both inside and outside of hospital
life both inside and outside of hospital and I must have a strong desire to live
and I must have a strong desire to live
and I must have a strong desire to live oh so be dead by now so what I do now is
oh so be dead by now so what I do now is
oh so be dead by now so what I do now is invite people to celebrate my story to
invite people to celebrate my story to
invite people to celebrate my story to celebrate how awesome I am not in an
celebrate how awesome I am not in an
celebrate how awesome I am not in an arrogant kind of way honestly but in a
arrogant kind of way honestly but in a
arrogant kind of way honestly but in a way that says I’m the same as every
way that says I’m the same as every
way that says I’m the same as every other human being on the planet we’re
other human being on the planet we’re
other human being on the planet we’re all awesome and we all have a story of
all awesome and we all have a story of
all awesome and we all have a story of overcoming or moving forward no matter
overcoming or moving forward no matter
overcoming or moving forward no matter how small or large in June 2015 I
how small or large in June 2015 I
how small or large in June 2015 I decided to take this idea further I sent
decided to take this idea further I sent
decided to take this idea further I sent a 20 page copy of my story to 150 people
a 20 page copy of my story to 150 people
a 20 page copy of my story to 150 people on you sent it through the post they
on you sent it through the post they
on you sent it through the post they were all people who I felt I had a
were all people who I felt I had a
were all people who I felt I had a connection with that I felt I connected
connection with that I felt I connected
connection with that I felt I connected with in some way either they were work
with in some way either they were work
with in some way either they were work colleagues friends family even some
colleagues friends family even some
colleagues friends family even some people I knew off the telly so I sent it
people I knew off the telly so I sent it
people I knew off the telly so I sent it out in the post
out in the post
out in the post on Friday night so scared so I waited
on Friday night so scared so I waited
on Friday night so scared so I waited and I was thinking I was telling myself
and I was thinking I was telling myself
and I was thinking I was telling myself this is just an experiment let’s see
this is just an experiment let’s see
this is just an experiment let’s see what happens and the result of the
what happens and the result of the
what happens and the result of the experiment was so positive most people
experiment was so positive most people
experiment was so positive most people he got a story got back to me and none
he got a story got back to me and none
he got a story got back to me and none of those responses were negative in fact
of those responses were negative in fact
of those responses were negative in fact many people went on to share their own
many people went on to share their own
many people went on to share their own story with me and many people said they
story with me and many people said they
story with me and many people said they were inspired by that bit of post they
were inspired by that bit of post they
were inspired by that bit of post they got that day since then I’ve gone on to
got that day since then I’ve gone on to
got that day since then I’ve gone on to develop touch network touch network is
develop touch network touch network is
develop touch network touch network is all about telling stories and touching
all about telling stories and touching
all about telling stories and touching lives so I invite people to come and
lives so I invite people to come and
lives so I invite people to come and share their stories whatever that might
share their stories whatever that might
share their stories whatever that might be can be on any subject we run events
be can be on any subject we run events
be can be on any subject we run events workshops publish books and do creative
workshops publish books and do creative
workshops publish books and do creative projects mostly this year we’ve done
projects mostly this year we’ve done
projects mostly this year we’ve done events so we invite people to come along
events so we invite people to come along
events so we invite people to come along to a cafe or bar or restaurant we have
to a cafe or bar or restaurant we have
to a cafe or bar or restaurant we have nibbles and coffee and sometimes fairy
nibbles and coffee and sometimes fairy
nibbles and coffee and sometimes fairy lights it’s all lovely and um people
lights it’s all lovely and um people
lights it’s all lovely and um people share their stories of overcoming so I
share their stories of overcoming so I
share their stories of overcoming so I coached the speakers beforehand I have
coached the speakers beforehand I have
coached the speakers beforehand I have four speakers lined up and they know
four speakers lined up and they know
four speakers lined up and they know what they’re going to say and they stand
what they’re going to say and they stand
what they’re going to say and they stand up and they tell their story of
up and they tell their story of
up and they tell their story of overcoming especially the bits that make
overcoming especially the bits that make
overcoming especially the bits that make them awesome so we work together to
them awesome so we work together to
them awesome so we work together to celebrate these stories and some of
celebrate these stories and some of
celebrate these stories and some of these stories have been about some
these stories have been about some
these stories have been about some really gritty subjects so we’ve had
really gritty subjects so we’ve had
really gritty subjects so we’ve had people talk about adoption ethnicity
people talk about adoption ethnicity
people talk about adoption ethnicity family background childhood struggles
family background childhood struggles
family background childhood struggles grief all sorts of things but the
grief all sorts of things but the
grief all sorts of things but the results have been that speakers feel
results have been that speakers feel
results have been that speakers feel empowered guests are inspired and
empowered guests are inspired and
empowered guests are inspired and stereotypes and stigma begin to be
stereotypes and stigma begin to be
stereotypes and stigma begin to be broken down so I’ve learned how
broken down so I’ve learned how
broken down so I’ve learned how important it is to share your story and
important it is to share your story and
important it is to share your story and I help people to share their stories in
I help people to share their stories in
I help people to share their stories in the most positive way possible so we
the most positive way possible so we
the most positive way possible so we work together to celebrate the
work together to celebrate the
work together to celebrate the awesomeness of how our stories make us
awesomeness of how our stories make us
awesomeness of how our stories make us who we are
who we are
who we are thank you so much for listening
”
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