so you ever have one of those good ideas like I’m gonna go skydiving or let’s do
like I’m gonna go skydiving or let’s do
like I’m gonna go skydiving or let’s do this open mic night you said everything
this open mic night you said everything
this open mic night you said everything emotion you can’t really back out and
emotion you can’t really back out and
emotion you can’t really back out and you just think to yourself I’m really
you just think to yourself I’m really
you just think to yourself I’m really reading this decision that’s me right
reading this decision that’s me right
reading this decision that’s me right about now it’s not stage fright or
about now it’s not stage fright or
about now it’s not stage fright or anything it’s just this topic I chose
anything it’s just this topic I chose
anything it’s just this topic I chose and compassion in a time of grief I am
and compassion in a time of grief I am
and compassion in a time of grief I am no mother Theresa
no mother Theresa
no mother Theresa nobody has ever accused me of being over
nobody has ever accused me of being over
nobody has ever accused me of being over emotional or commented on my empathy on
emotional or commented on my empathy on
emotional or commented on my empathy on the other hand I had been called aloof
the other hand I had been called aloof
the other hand I had been called aloof unaffected selfish more than she times
unaffected selfish more than she times
unaffected selfish more than she times so I’m one of the last people to give a
so I’m one of the last people to give a
so I’m one of the last people to give a talk with the word compassion in the
talk with the word compassion in the
talk with the word compassion in the title in fact the only reason that I’m
title in fact the only reason that I’m
title in fact the only reason that I’m here is because last year I started a
here is because last year I started a
here is because last year I started a journey and that journey has
journey and that journey has
journey and that journey has dramatically changed the way that I
dramatically changed the way that I
dramatically changed the way that I think about these topics start off I
think about these topics start off I
think about these topics start off I wanted to pose a question what if
wanted to pose a question what if
wanted to pose a question what if something great what if all of these
something great what if all of these
something great what if all of these great medical advances and these lower
great medical advances and these lower
great medical advances and these lower infant mortality rates and longer
infant mortality rates and longer
infant mortality rates and longer average lifespan what if all of these
average lifespan what if all of these
average lifespan what if all of these great things have caused us to lose
great things have caused us to lose
great things have caused us to lose something foundational to our humanity
something foundational to our humanity
something foundational to our humanity now what I’m talking about here is
now what I’m talking about here is
now what I’m talking about here is tragedy and specifically how closeness
tragedy and specifically how closeness
tragedy and specifically how closeness to tragedy transforms us into more
to tragedy transforms us into more
to tragedy transforms us into more compassionate people and how in a
compassionate people and how in a
compassionate people and how in a society where we are allergic to tragedy
society where we are allergic to tragedy
society where we are allergic to tragedy where Debbie downers are shunned and
where Debbie downers are shunned and
where Debbie downers are shunned and positive thinking is gospel how we
positive thinking is gospel how we
positive thinking is gospel how we delude ourselves into thinking that this
delude ourselves into thinking that this
delude ourselves into thinking that this world is safer than it actually is
exempt from catastrophic loss now I
exempt from catastrophic loss now I personally began this journey about a
personally began this journey about a
personally began this journey about a year ago it was the day before
year ago it was the day before
year ago it was the day before Thanksgiving I was fast asleep in bed I
Thanksgiving I was fast asleep in bed I
Thanksgiving I was fast asleep in bed I was warm and safe
was warm and safe
was warm and safe and I got that nightmare 3 a.m. a phone
and I got that nightmare 3 a.m. a phone
and I got that nightmare 3 a.m. a phone call I found out that my sister died in
call I found out that my sister died in
call I found out that my sister died in a car accident when something like this
a car accident when something like this
a car accident when something like this happens we tend to run certain scripts
happens we tend to run certain scripts
happens we tend to run certain scripts so in the beginning everybody knows the
so in the beginning everybody knows the
so in the beginning everybody knows the script you have a funeral service people
script you have a funeral service people
script you have a funeral service people send food they sent lots of food they
send food they sent lots of food they
send food they sent lots of food they send flowers they visit and the inner
send flowers they visit and the inner
send flowers they visit and the inner circle you’re together as a family
circle you’re together as a family
circle you’re together as a family really separated from the outside world
really separated from the outside world
really separated from the outside world but after the first month the script
but after the first month the script
but after the first month the script disappears and that’s when no one knows
disappears and that’s when no one knows
disappears and that’s when no one knows what to do anyone who has said anything
what to do anyone who has said anything
what to do anyone who has said anything to me has said the same thing which is I
to me has said the same thing which is I
to me has said the same thing which is I don’t know what to say but this
don’t know what to say but this
don’t know what to say but this collective clumsiness around tragedy and
collective clumsiness around tragedy and
collective clumsiness around tragedy and operating without a script
operating without a script
operating without a script it sometimes causes people to choose
it sometimes causes people to choose
it sometimes causes people to choose avoidance and they just sweep it under
avoidance and they just sweep it under
avoidance and they just sweep it under the rug it got me thinking what if it
the rug it got me thinking what if it
the rug it got me thinking what if it was impossible to sweep this discomfort
was impossible to sweep this discomfort
was impossible to sweep this discomfort under the rug what if the threat of
under the rug what if the threat of
under the rug what if the threat of random tragedy was in her face day in
random tragedy was in her face day in
random tragedy was in her face day in and day out now this might seem strange
and day out now this might seem strange
and day out now this might seem strange but this scenario that I’m describing it
but this scenario that I’m describing it
but this scenario that I’m describing it actually existed not too long ago in
actually existed not too long ago in
actually existed not too long ago in this country there’s a time when death
this country there’s a time when death
this country there’s a time when death was on every single block it was
was on every single block it was
was on every single block it was impossible to ignore now I learned about
impossible to ignore now I learned about
impossible to ignore now I learned about this a few weeks after my sister had
this a few weeks after my sister had
this a few weeks after my sister had passed it was right before Christmas and
passed it was right before Christmas and
passed it was right before Christmas and my family had gathered for an annual
my family had gathered for an annual
my family had gathered for an annual tradition of watching It’s a Wonderful
tradition of watching It’s a Wonderful
tradition of watching It’s a Wonderful Life now there’s this really famous
Life now there’s this really famous
Life now there’s this really famous scene in the movie where Mary loses her
scene in the movie where Mary loses her
scene in the movie where Mary loses her bathrobe and she’s hiding in his
bathrobe and she’s hiding in his
bathrobe and she’s hiding in his rosebush and so George scoops up the
rosebush and so George scoops up the
rosebush and so George scoops up the bathrobe and he’s like well what I do
bathrobe and he’s like well what I do
bathrobe and he’s like well what I do with this situation and it’s really
with this situation and it’s really
with this situation and it’s really playful and then suddenly this car zooms
playful and then suddenly this car zooms
playful and then suddenly this car zooms up and it’s George’s uncle and he
up and it’s George’s uncle and he
up and it’s George’s uncle and he screams that George George your father
screams that George George your father
screams that George George your father he’s had a stroke
he’s had a stroke
he’s had a stroke George tosses the bathrobe to the rose
George tosses the bathrobe to the rose
George tosses the bathrobe to the rose bush and he leaves and the very next
bush and he leaves and the very next
bush and he leaves and the very next scene we see this George’s
scene we see this George’s
scene we see this George’s he’s in some sort of a business meeting
he’s in some sort of a business meeting
he’s in some sort of a business meeting I don’t know if you guys have noticed
I don’t know if you guys have noticed
I don’t know if you guys have noticed this but he’s wearing this black armband
this but he’s wearing this black armband
this but he’s wearing this black armband now only two generations ago black
now only two generations ago black
now only two generations ago black armbands were extremely common they’ve
armbands were extremely common they’ve
armbands were extremely common they’ve been used in our society for hundreds of
been used in our society for hundreds of
been used in our society for hundreds of years to signal mourning as had a
years to signal mourning as had a
years to signal mourning as had a retinue of other mourning clothes
retinue of other mourning clothes
retinue of other mourning clothes jewelry other traditions that have all
jewelry other traditions that have all
jewelry other traditions that have all been forgotten now this may seem strange
been forgotten now this may seem strange
been forgotten now this may seem strange but that looks like compassion to me I’m
but that looks like compassion to me I’m
but that looks like compassion to me I’m not the only one but let me explain the
not the only one but let me explain the
not the only one but let me explain the host of The Late Show Stephen Colbert
host of The Late Show Stephen Colbert
host of The Late Show Stephen Colbert when he was only 10 years old
when he was only 10 years old
when he was only 10 years old he lost his father and his two brothers
he lost his father and his two brothers
he lost his father and his two brothers in a plane crash
in a plane crash
in a plane crash now in interviews Colbert talks about
now in interviews Colbert talks about
now in interviews Colbert talks about his grief over the years being his
his grief over the years being his
his grief over the years being his secret name you see he had his real name
secret name you see he had his real name
secret name you see he had his real name but he had this secret name that no one
but he had this secret name that no one
but he had this secret name that no one could pronounce yet it identified him to
could pronounce yet it identified him to
could pronounce yet it identified him to his core his secret name black armbands
his core his secret name black armbands
his core his secret name black armbands are compassionate because they are the
are compassionate because they are the
are compassionate because they are the visual representation of that which
visual representation of that which
visual representation of that which cannot be described with words you’re
cannot be described with words you’re
cannot be described with words you’re literally wearing your emotions on your
literally wearing your emotions on your
literally wearing your emotions on your sleeve and you’re telling the world I’m
sleeve and you’re telling the world I’m
sleeve and you’re telling the world I’m broken I have a secret name now if we
broken I have a secret name now if we
broken I have a secret name now if we had kept this tradition alive I wonder
had kept this tradition alive I wonder
had kept this tradition alive I wonder how many armbands we’d see on a given on
how many armbands we’d see on a given on
how many armbands we’d see on a given on a given day in case you’re wondering the
a given day in case you’re wondering the
a given day in case you’re wondering the answer is 2% statistically speaking 2%
answer is 2% statistically speaking 2%
answer is 2% statistically speaking 2% of the population have suffered the loss
of the population have suffered the loss
of the population have suffered the loss of an immediate family member in the
of an immediate family member in the
of an immediate family member in the last 12 months so just imagine you own
last 12 months so just imagine you own
last 12 months so just imagine you own your morning commute maybe you’re on a
your morning commute maybe you’re on a
your morning commute maybe you’re on a train it’s packed shoulder-to-shoulder
train it’s packed shoulder-to-shoulder
train it’s packed shoulder-to-shoulder sprinkled about you see people with
sprinkled about you see people with
sprinkled about you see people with these black armbands how would that
these black armbands how would that
these black armbands how would that change our relationship to tragedy would
change our relationship to tragedy would
change our relationship to tragedy would we continue lying to ourselves and
we continue lying to ourselves and
we continue lying to ourselves and saying you know what that it’s never
saying you know what that it’s never
saying you know what that it’s never gonna happen to me
by late January I had returned to the
by late January I had returned to the workforce and professional contacts
workforce and professional contacts
workforce and professional contacts would give their condolences
would give their condolences
would give their condolences I saw a few more than a few maybe people
I saw a few more than a few maybe people
I saw a few more than a few maybe people squirm in this awkward guilty silence
squirm in this awkward guilty silence
squirm in this awkward guilty silence they it seemed like they wanted to say
they it seemed like they wanted to say
they it seemed like they wanted to say something they just didn’t know what to
something they just didn’t know what to
something they just didn’t know what to say
say
say and I think that I can help here you see
and I think that I can help here you see
and I think that I can help here you see although grief is extremely personal in
although grief is extremely personal in
although grief is extremely personal in the last year I’ve had hundreds of
the last year I’ve had hundreds of
the last year I’ve had hundreds of people try to comfort me and I’ve sought
people try to comfort me and I’ve sought
people try to comfort me and I’ve sought the advice of experts and done my
the advice of experts and done my
the advice of experts and done my research and I’ve identified the two
research and I’ve identified the two
research and I’ve identified the two most perfect ways that you can comfort a
most perfect ways that you can comfort a
most perfect ways that you can comfort a grieving person I’d like to share with
grieving person I’d like to share with
grieving person I’d like to share with you guys number one super easy hugs
an acquaintance had the wisdom to put me
an acquaintance had the wisdom to put me on a hug only policy I see this man once
on a hug only policy I see this man once
on a hug only policy I see this man once a week for a business group and once a
a week for a business group and once a
a week for a business group and once a week for almost a year he’s met me and
week for almost a year he’s met me and
week for almost a year he’s met me and he’s hugged me it’s been the perfect
he’s hugged me it’s been the perfect
he’s hugged me it’s been the perfect response it’s simple it’s compassionate
response it’s simple it’s compassionate
response it’s simple it’s compassionate it says with action that what you cannot
it says with action that what you cannot
it says with action that what you cannot say with words doesn’t ask for a
say with words doesn’t ask for a
say with words doesn’t ask for a response doesn’t call for an update and
response doesn’t call for an update and
response doesn’t call for an update and we can all do this now the second way is
we can all do this now the second way is
we can all do this now the second way is a little more complicated
a little more complicated
a little more complicated this is anticipation hey call me if you
this is anticipation hey call me if you
this is anticipation hey call me if you need anything it’s not anticipation
need anything it’s not anticipation
need anything it’s not anticipation someone who suffered a loss has neither
someone who suffered a loss has neither
someone who suffered a loss has neither the inclination nor the energy to tell
the inclination nor the energy to tell
the inclination nor the energy to tell you what to do you need to anticipate
you what to do you need to anticipate
you what to do you need to anticipate their needs but here are some excellent
their needs but here are some excellent
their needs but here are some excellent examples I heard a story of one man who
examples I heard a story of one man who
examples I heard a story of one man who unrequested would shine the shoes of
unrequested would shine the shoes of
unrequested would shine the shoes of grieving family members before they went
grieving family members before they went
grieving family members before they went to a funeral service there were a group
to a funeral service there were a group
to a funeral service there were a group of neighbors who banded together to most
of neighbors who banded together to most
of neighbors who banded together to most someone’s lawn
someone’s lawn
someone’s lawn for an entire year and in my own
for an entire year and in my own
for an entire year and in my own experience I anticipated that my parents
experience I anticipated that my parents
experience I anticipated that my parents would sometimes need a distraction and I
would sometimes need a distraction and I
would sometimes need a distraction and I anticipated that they would sometimes
anticipated that they would sometimes
anticipated that they would sometimes need to hear someone laugh above all I
need to hear someone laugh above all I
need to hear someone laugh above all I noticed that the one consistent light I
noticed that the one consistent light I
noticed that the one consistent light I could bring to their lives was to hand
could bring to their lives was to hand
could bring to their lives was to hand them a giggling granddaughter so we
them a giggling granddaughter so we
them a giggling granddaughter so we visited as often as we could the point
visited as often as we could the point
visited as often as we could the point here is you don’t need to experience
here is you don’t need to experience
here is you don’t need to experience this soul-destroying grief on your own
this soul-destroying grief on your own
this soul-destroying grief on your own to comfort people you don’t need to have
to comfort people you don’t need to have
to comfort people you don’t need to have this super gigantic will of compassion
this super gigantic will of compassion
this super gigantic will of compassion it’s as simple as giving a hug and
it’s as simple as giving a hug and
it’s as simple as giving a hug and thinking about what they might need I
know looking at the audience many of you
know looking at the audience many of you are very familiar with this subject
are very familiar with this subject
are very familiar with this subject matter
matter
matter you know grief you know that the
you know grief you know that the
you know grief you know that the untimely loss of a father a mother a
untimely loss of a father a mother a
untimely loss of a father a mother a sister a brother
sister a brother
sister a brother god forbid of a child that situation
god forbid of a child that situation
god forbid of a child that situation that’s not the rug getting swept from
that’s not the rug getting swept from
that’s not the rug getting swept from under you
under you
under you that’s when the whole damn building
that’s when the whole damn building
that’s when the whole damn building collapses you are crushed beneath the
collapses you are crushed beneath the
collapses you are crushed beneath the weight in light of that pain it tastes
weight in light of that pain it tastes
weight in light of that pain it tastes bitter to speak of a silver lining the
bitter to speak of a silver lining the
bitter to speak of a silver lining the only good that I can point to is a
only good that I can point to is a
only good that I can point to is a growing a sense of empathy empathy will
growing a sense of empathy empathy will
growing a sense of empathy empathy will stop me in my tracks if I hear if
stop me in my tracks if I hear if
stop me in my tracks if I hear if someone’s loss it will compel me to
someone’s loss it will compel me to
someone’s loss it will compel me to bring up uncomfortable topics or to
bring up uncomfortable topics or to
bring up uncomfortable topics or to initiate awkward hugs or to show up
but the truth is this exchanges cheap
but the truth is this exchanges cheap and lousy of a consolation prize and I’d
and lousy of a consolation prize and I’d
and lousy of a consolation prize and I’d I toss it away for one more moment with
I toss it away for one more moment with
I toss it away for one more moment with my sister the irony is I kind of thought
my sister the irony is I kind of thought
my sister the irony is I kind of thought that this talk was going to be about
that this talk was going to be about
that this talk was going to be about transformation how we undergo tragedy we
transformation how we undergo tragedy we
transformation how we undergo tragedy we become more compassionate but this world
become more compassionate but this world
become more compassionate but this world has more than enough tragedy as it is
has more than enough tragedy as it is
has more than enough tragedy as it is this talk is not about transformation
this talk is not about transformation
this talk is not about transformation it’s simply a reminder it’s a reminder
it’s simply a reminder it’s a reminder
it’s simply a reminder it’s a reminder that even though I’ve got safer cars and
that even though I’ve got safer cars and
that even though I’ve got safer cars and our medicine is more effective that
our medicine is more effective that
our medicine is more effective that mortality rate it’s still sitting strong
mortality rate it’s still sitting strong
mortality rate it’s still sitting strong of 100 percent look I am regularly
of 100 percent look I am regularly
of 100 percent look I am regularly stunned by the beauty of this world and
stunned by the beauty of this world and
stunned by the beauty of this world and I am warmed by the friendships in my
I am warmed by the friendships in my
I am warmed by the friendships in my life and overwhelmed by the abundance of
life and overwhelmed by the abundance of
life and overwhelmed by the abundance of this universe but I know that this world
this universe but I know that this world
this universe but I know that this world can leave you heartbroken destroyed and
can leave you heartbroken destroyed and
can leave you heartbroken destroyed and ultimately buried in the dirt so all of
ultimately buried in the dirt so all of
ultimately buried in the dirt so all of this avoidance of grief and clumsiness
this avoidance of grief and clumsiness
this avoidance of grief and clumsiness around tragedy when you really boil it
around tragedy when you really boil it
around tragedy when you really boil it down it’s it’s either selfishness or
down it’s it’s either selfishness or
down it’s it’s either selfishness or it’s our feeble attempt to forget about
it’s our feeble attempt to forget about
it’s our feeble attempt to forget about our own mortality and the really sad
our own mortality and the really sad
our own mortality and the really sad part about it is that in keeping up this
part about it is that in keeping up this
part about it is that in keeping up this delusion you know by us wanting to
delusion you know by us wanting to
delusion you know by us wanting to maintain these blinders we wind up
maintain these blinders we wind up
maintain these blinders we wind up pushing away those who need us the most
pushing away those who need us the most
pushing away those who need us the most we push away those who will remind us of
we push away those who will remind us of
we push away those who will remind us of the things that we choose to forget and
the things that we choose to forget and
the things that we choose to forget and so I call to you guys today if you truly
so I call to you guys today if you truly
so I call to you guys today if you truly care about someone who’s suffering a
care about someone who’s suffering a
care about someone who’s suffering a loss go to them give them a hug bring
loss go to them give them a hug bring
loss go to them give them a hug bring them some food and sit with them in
them some food and sit with them in
them some food and sit with them in their pain
their pain
their pain but whatever you do and don’t sweep it
but whatever you do and don’t sweep it
but whatever you do and don’t sweep it under the rug thank you
under the rug thank you
under the rug thank you [Applause]
”
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