[Applause] [Music]
so not many of us can stay at a very
so not many of us can stay at a very young age I know my purpose in life I
young age I know my purpose in life I
young age I know my purpose in life I know exactly what I want to do and how
know exactly what I want to do and how
know exactly what I want to do and how to get there that’s normally a pretty
to get there that’s normally a pretty
to get there that’s normally a pretty long and circuitous road for most of us
long and circuitous road for most of us
long and circuitous road for most of us but for some reason I thought I was one
but for some reason I thought I was one
but for some reason I thought I was one of the lucky ones so I said I’m gonna
of the lucky ones so I said I’m gonna
of the lucky ones so I said I’m gonna make it in New York City
make it in New York City
make it in New York City as a photojournalist with $1,500 in my
as a photojournalist with $1,500 in my
as a photojournalist with $1,500 in my bank account so I moved to New York and
bank account so I moved to New York and
bank account so I moved to New York and I did I ended up getting jobs and
I did I ended up getting jobs and
I did I ended up getting jobs and working and supporting myself I even met
working and supporting myself I even met
working and supporting myself I even met a man fell in love got married I was
a man fell in love got married I was
a man fell in love got married I was living my personal and professional
living my personal and professional
living my personal and professional dream and I said to myself in that cocky
dream and I said to myself in that cocky
dream and I said to myself in that cocky twenty-year-old way well that wasn’t so
twenty-year-old way well that wasn’t so
twenty-year-old way well that wasn’t so hard like I don’t really know what my
hard like I don’t really know what my
hard like I don’t really know what my mom was so nervous about until I got
mom was so nervous about until I got
mom was so nervous about until I got news that my father was gravely ill and
news that my father was gravely ill and
news that my father was gravely ill and all these memories of a painful past
all these memories of a painful past
all these memories of a painful past came rushing back and I wasn’t ready for
came rushing back and I wasn’t ready for
came rushing back and I wasn’t ready for it I had a very complicated relationship
it I had a very complicated relationship
it I had a very complicated relationship with my father he was a very doting
with my father he was a very doting
with my father he was a very doting father but he was an emotionally and
father but he was an emotionally and
father but he was an emotionally and physically abusive husband to my mother
physically abusive husband to my mother
physically abusive husband to my mother for a while I thought I grew up in a
for a while I thought I grew up in a
for a while I thought I grew up in a happy home because I had my mom and the
happy home because I had my mom and the
happy home because I had my mom and the rest of my family and friends to thank
rest of my family and friends to thank
rest of my family and friends to thank for her and I honestly forgot about my
for her and I honestly forgot about my
for her and I honestly forgot about my painful past when I left my dad’s house
painful past when I left my dad’s house
painful past when I left my dad’s house and I stopped talking to him when I was
and I stopped talking to him when I was
and I stopped talking to him when I was a teenager but when I got the phone call
a teenager but when I got the phone call
a teenager but when I got the phone call all the memories came back and I
all the memories came back and I
all the memories came back and I physically emotionally but also
physically emotionally but also
physically emotionally but also physically could not handle it I fell
physically could not handle it I fell
physically could not handle it I fell into a very deep depression and prior to
into a very deep depression and prior to
into a very deep depression and prior to 2008 I
2008 I
2008 I really know what depression was I kind
really know what depression was I kind
really know what depression was I kind of used that word very casually like the
of used that word very casually like the
of used that word very casually like the runner in my pantyhose that’s so
runner in my pantyhose that’s so
runner in my pantyhose that’s so depressing but I didn’t know it was a
depressing but I didn’t know it was a
depressing but I didn’t know it was a medical condition I didn’t know that
medical condition I didn’t know that
medical condition I didn’t know that there was a chemical shift in my brain
there was a chemical shift in my brain
there was a chemical shift in my brain that affected me physically as well I
that affected me physically as well I
that affected me physically as well I couldn’t get up I didn’t really want to
couldn’t get up I didn’t really want to
couldn’t get up I didn’t really want to eat didn’t want to get out of the house
eat didn’t want to get out of the house
eat didn’t want to get out of the house my husband Ben actually had to shower me
my husband Ben actually had to shower me
my husband Ben actually had to shower me feed me bathe me and it was such a
feed me bathe me and it was such a
feed me bathe me and it was such a confusing state because it wasn’t as if
confusing state because it wasn’t as if
confusing state because it wasn’t as if I was trying to be lazy I wanted to be
I was trying to be lazy I wanted to be
I was trying to be lazy I wanted to be lazy I didn’t but it felt like a sumo
lazy I didn’t but it felt like a sumo
lazy I didn’t but it felt like a sumo wrestler was sitting on my chest
wrestler was sitting on my chest
wrestler was sitting on my chest and I could not physically fight from
and I could not physically fight from
and I could not physically fight from that gravitational pull so my husband
that gravitational pull so my husband
that gravitational pull so my husband who is a photo journalist as well
who is a photo journalist as well
who is a photo journalist as well encouraged me to document what I was
encouraged me to document what I was
encouraged me to document what I was going through he said that I should
going through he said that I should
going through he said that I should photograph and that I should write
photograph and that I should write
photograph and that I should write everything down which was a really great
everything down which was a really great
everything down which was a really great idea because everything was so
idea because everything was so
idea because everything was so exhausting at that time and talking to
exhausting at that time and talking to
exhausting at that time and talking to my therapist was exhausting I didn’t
my therapist was exhausting I didn’t
my therapist was exhausting I didn’t want to do it but for some reason these
want to do it but for some reason these
want to do it but for some reason these tools that I had my camera and my pen
tools that I had my camera and my pen
tools that I had my camera and my pen were able to capture everything that I
were able to capture everything that I
were able to capture everything that I was feeling I didn’t have to tell my
was feeling I didn’t have to tell my
was feeling I didn’t have to tell my therapist
therapist
therapist what anxiety felt like I just
what anxiety felt like I just
what anxiety felt like I just photographed it and I thought that this
photographed it and I thought that this
photographed it and I thought that this was a good way for me to really study
was a good way for me to really study
was a good way for me to really study and understand the state that I was then
and understand the state that I was then
and understand the state that I was then if only I could capture my thoughts and
if only I could capture my thoughts and
if only I could capture my thoughts and transfer that onto a piece of paper or
transfer that onto a piece of paper or
transfer that onto a piece of paper or translate my emotion and transfer that
translate my emotion and transfer that
translate my emotion and transfer that into a photographic print then maybe I
into a photographic print then maybe I
into a photographic print then maybe I could study it with more distance and
could study it with more distance and
could study it with more distance and really understand this illness this dip
really understand this illness this dip
really understand this illness this dip question that I had so I chronicled
question that I had so I chronicled
question that I had so I chronicled because it felt like I didn’t have any
because it felt like I didn’t have any
because it felt like I didn’t have any other choice but to do this it was
other choice but to do this it was
other choice but to do this it was survival for me it was cathartic and it
survival for me it was cathartic and it
survival for me it was cathartic and it was during this time that I got a phone
was during this time that I got a phone
was during this time that I got a phone call from my father
call from my father
call from my father and perhaps it’s because I just wasn’t
and perhaps it’s because I just wasn’t
and perhaps it’s because I just wasn’t ready to face those emotions yet I was
ready to face those emotions yet I was
ready to face those emotions yet I was still working through them that I didn’t
still working through them that I didn’t
still working through them that I didn’t answer his call I let it go to voicemail
answer his call I let it go to voicemail
answer his call I let it go to voicemail and when I finally was able to get up
and when I finally was able to get up
and when I finally was able to get up the courage and listen to the voicemail
the courage and listen to the voicemail
the courage and listen to the voicemail I didn’t understand what he was saying
I didn’t understand what he was saying
I didn’t understand what he was saying it was very garbled there was an
it was very garbled there was an
it was very garbled there was an overseas call and I didn’t call him back
overseas call and I didn’t call him back
overseas call and I didn’t call him back so I didn’t really know what he wanted
so I didn’t really know what he wanted
so I didn’t really know what he wanted to tell me and I never could I never
to tell me and I never could I never
to tell me and I never could I never would three days later I get a call from
would three days later I get a call from
would three days later I get a call from my cousin saying that my father had died
my cousin saying that my father had died
my cousin saying that my father had died alone in his hospital room in the
alone in his hospital room in the
alone in his hospital room in the Philippines and if I was sad before I
Philippines and if I was sad before I
Philippines and if I was sad before I had what my therapist called a double
had what my therapist called a double
had what my therapist called a double dip this time this time I was done I did
dip this time this time I was done I did
dip this time this time I was done I did not feel anything my world was hazy
not feel anything my world was hazy
not feel anything my world was hazy there was a disconnect between my
there was a disconnect between my
there was a disconnect between my physical self and the rest of the world
physical self and the rest of the world
physical self and the rest of the world if my husband Ben kissed me on a good
if my husband Ben kissed me on a good
if my husband Ben kissed me on a good day maybe I would feel the warmth of his
day maybe I would feel the warmth of his
day maybe I would feel the warmth of his cheeks but that would not really
cheeks but that would not really
cheeks but that would not really register as love or tenderness and the
register as love or tenderness and the
register as love or tenderness and the worst thing the worst thing about
worst thing the worst thing about
worst thing the worst thing about feeling like you’re dead inside
feeling like you’re dead inside
feeling like you’re dead inside is understanding that you’re sober
is understanding that you’re sober
is understanding that you’re sober enough and conscious enough to live
enough and conscious enough to live
enough and conscious enough to live through that and so I cut
I cut not because it was a cry for help
I cut not because it was a cry for help I cut because I needed to remind myself
I cut because I needed to remind myself
I cut because I needed to remind myself that I could still feel my husband
that I could still feel my husband
that I could still feel my husband started his career as a photojournalist
started his career as a photojournalist
started his career as a photojournalist in Iraq when he was 23 so I’ve never
in Iraq when he was 23 so I’ve never
in Iraq when he was 23 so I’ve never really seen fear in that man but on this
really seen fear in that man but on this
really seen fear in that man but on this day when he tried to Jimmy the door with
day when he tried to Jimmy the door with
day when he tried to Jimmy the door with a butter knife and he barged into the
a butter knife and he barged into the
a butter knife and he barged into the room and he grabbed my hand he took the
room and he grabbed my hand he took the
room and he grabbed my hand he took the knife away and he was screaming what are
knife away and he was screaming what are
knife away and he was screaming what are you doing this is your life this is your
you doing this is your life this is your
you doing this is your life this is your friends your family this is an art
friends your family this is an art
friends your family this is an art that’s it and I did what any rational
that’s it and I did what any rational
that’s it and I did what any rational person would do I put my camera down I
person would do I put my camera down I
person would do I put my camera down I picked up my pen and I wrote what are
picked up my pen and I wrote what are
picked up my pen and I wrote what are you doing
you doing
you doing this is your life this is your family
this is your life this is your family
this is your life this is your family this is your friend it was a very hazy
this is your friend it was a very hazy
this is your friend it was a very hazy moment for me and it took me a while
moment for me and it took me a while
moment for me and it took me a while actually years when I looked at this
actually years when I looked at this
actually years when I looked at this image again that I realized how utterly
image again that I realized how utterly
image again that I realized how utterly terrifying and lonely this must have
terrifying and lonely this must have
terrifying and lonely this must have been for Ben this was the first time
been for Ben this was the first time
been for Ben this was the first time that he finally decided to call my
that he finally decided to call my
that he finally decided to call my doctor and commit me to the psych ward
when I first took this image it was
when I first took this image it was purely as a study again I wanted to
purely as a study again I wanted to
purely as a study again I wanted to understand the state that I was in and I
understand the state that I was in and I
understand the state that I was in and I wanted to see what I must have looked
wanted to see what I must have looked
wanted to see what I must have looked like from the perspective of where my
like from the perspective of where my
like from the perspective of where my mother was standing just as a study and
mother was standing just as a study and
mother was standing just as a study and I didn’t really see see this image again
I didn’t really see see this image again
I didn’t really see see this image again until the years later when I became a
until the years later when I became a
until the years later when I became a mother myself and I became wracked with
mother myself and I became wracked with
mother myself and I became wracked with guilt because what that must have felt
guilt because what that must have felt
guilt because what that must have felt like for my mother to see her youngest
like for my mother to see her youngest
like for my mother to see her youngest daughter
daughter
daughter wanting to just give up I didn’t fully
wanting to just give up I didn’t fully
wanting to just give up I didn’t fully appreciate the fear and the pain that
appreciate the fear and the pain that
appreciate the fear and the pain that must have been for her she never left my
must have been for her she never left my
must have been for her she never left my side he never left my side either Ben
side he never left my side either Ben
side he never left my side either Ben was always with me even in the bathroom
was always with me even in the bathroom
was always with me even in the bathroom they no matter what I was doing he was
they no matter what I was doing he was
they no matter what I was doing he was so scared
spud didn’t even ask to be walked he
spud didn’t even ask to be walked he didn’t ask to feed he just stayed with
didn’t ask to feed he just stayed with
didn’t ask to feed he just stayed with me he wouldn’t go anywhere so I
me he wouldn’t go anywhere so I
me he wouldn’t go anywhere so I continued to document even in the psych
continued to document even in the psych
continued to document even in the psych ward
ward
ward I would jot down these conversations
I would jot down these conversations
I would jot down these conversations that I had with everyone until this was
that I had with everyone until this was
that I had with everyone until this was no longer my story I started sharing it
no longer my story I started sharing it
no longer my story I started sharing it in group and someone in therapy actually
in group and someone in therapy actually
in group and someone in therapy actually said you know what Marva hearing your
said you know what Marva hearing your
said you know what Marva hearing your words make me feel like I belong and
words make me feel like I belong and
words make me feel like I belong and that meant a lot to me because that’s
that meant a lot to me because that’s
that meant a lot to me because that’s what group therapy was for me I no
what group therapy was for me I no
what group therapy was for me I no longer felt like an anomaly I was with
longer felt like an anomaly I was with
longer felt like an anomaly I was with people who knew exactly what it felt
people who knew exactly what it felt
people who knew exactly what it felt like to be depressed and I realized that
like to be depressed and I realized that
like to be depressed and I realized that there were more people who needed it who
there were more people who needed it who
there were more people who needed it who needed to express themselves because
needed to express themselves because
needed to express themselves because they needed that companionship and
they needed that companionship and
they needed that companionship and that’s how one in 20 was born one in 20
that’s how one in 20 was born one in 20
that’s how one in 20 was born one in 20 is the gathering of people who have been
is the gathering of people who have been
is the gathering of people who have been touched by mental illness whether you
touched by mental illness whether you
touched by mental illness whether you are a sufferer or a caregiver a suicide
are a sufferer or a caregiver a suicide
are a sufferer or a caregiver a suicide survivor or a loss survivor one in 20 is
survivor or a loss survivor one in 20 is
survivor or a loss survivor one in 20 is a space for people to express themselves
a space for people to express themselves
a space for people to express themselves free of judgment and free of stigma it
free of judgment and free of stigma it
free of judgment and free of stigma it was essentially an experiment on empathy
was essentially an experiment on empathy
was essentially an experiment on empathy and self-expression that would live on
and self-expression that would live on
and self-expression that would live on social media and one of the submissions
social media and one of the submissions
social media and one of the submissions that really stuck with me
that really stuck with me
that really stuck with me was Ehrich submission and it was a
was Ehrich submission and it was a
was Ehrich submission and it was a series of questions about his son Joshua
series of questions about his son Joshua
series of questions about his son Joshua who he lost at the age of three and I’m
who he lost at the age of three and I’m
who he lost at the age of three and I’m gonna read you a few lines from Eric’s
gonna read you a few lines from Eric’s
gonna read you a few lines from Eric’s submission if I had gone to his room
submission if I had gone to his room
submission if I had gone to his room five minutes early would he still be
five minutes early would he still be
five minutes early would he still be there is it okay to go days at a time
there is it okay to go days at a time
there is it okay to go days at a time and not think about him is it okay for
and not think about him is it okay for
and not think about him is it okay for me to be so happy in life how do I
me to be so happy in life how do I
me to be so happy in life how do I answer a stranger who asks how many
answer a stranger who asks how many
answer a stranger who asks how many children I have Eric’s story resonated
children I have Eric’s story resonated
children I have Eric’s story resonated with me because it made me feel guilty
with me because it made me feel guilty
with me because it made me feel guilty as much as I love my children as scared
as much as I love my children as scared
as much as I love my children as scared I am to have the experience that Eric
I am to have the experience that Eric
I am to have the experience that Eric had for some reason I felt trapped in
had for some reason I felt trapped in
had for some reason I felt trapped in this world that I was in I was now a new
this world that I was in I was now a new
this world that I was in I was now a new mother of two I had left-footed
mother of two I had left-footed
mother of two I had left-footed journalism I sold all my cameras that
journalism I sold all my cameras that
journalism I sold all my cameras that purpose that I thought I had so coffee
purpose that I thought I had so coffee
purpose that I thought I had so coffee as a 20 year old was no longer and I was
as a 20 year old was no longer and I was
as a 20 year old was no longer and I was lost and I was navigating motherhood and
lost and I was navigating motherhood and
lost and I was navigating motherhood and a culture that really didn’t practice it
a culture that really didn’t practice it
a culture that really didn’t practice it as a communal effort I didn’t have my
as a communal effort I didn’t have my
as a communal effort I didn’t have my camera but I still had my phone because
camera but I still had my phone because
camera but I still had my phone because this is past 2000 Maryam yeh iPhone
this is past 2000 Maryam yeh iPhone
this is past 2000 Maryam yeh iPhone technology so I went back to what I knew
technology so I went back to what I knew
technology so I went back to what I knew how did you the only thing I really knew
how did you the only thing I really knew
how did you the only thing I really knew how to do which was tell stories and I
how to do which was tell stories and I
how to do which was tell stories and I documented but my world was dark even
documented but my world was dark even
documented but my world was dark even play time with Captain America and
play time with Captain America and
play time with Captain America and Wolverine was dark naptime was lonely
my world was still hazy and even
my world was still hazy and even nighttime routines like brushing their
nighttime routines like brushing their
nighttime routines like brushing their teeth was an arduous task but inspired
teeth was an arduous task but inspired
teeth was an arduous task but inspired by one in 20 I decided not just to
by one in 20 I decided not just to
by one in 20 I decided not just to document what I was going through but I
document what I was going through but I
document what I was going through but I wanted to share it to the world I was
wanted to share it to the world I was
wanted to share it to the world I was reaching out for a community who could
reaching out for a community who could
reaching out for a community who could understand what it was like to be a
understand what it was like to be a
understand what it was like to be a parent or to be a caregiver and know
parent or to be a caregiver and know
parent or to be a caregiver and know what the loneliness was like to be in
what the loneliness was like to be in
what the loneliness was like to be in constant anxiety of the safety of your
constant anxiety of the safety of your
constant anxiety of the safety of your children to know what the growing pains
children to know what the growing pains
children to know what the growing pains of a marriage looks like you know when I
of a marriage looks like you know when I
of a marriage looks like you know when I was sick in 2008 spud was with me all
was sick in 2008 spud was with me all
was sick in 2008 spud was with me all the time and I had another dog wheat and
the time and I had another dog wheat and
the time and I had another dog wheat and I had no idea where we was no idea I
I had no idea where we was no idea I
I had no idea where we was no idea I just thought he didn’t care because he
just thought he didn’t care because he
just thought he didn’t care because he was a dog after all and it wasn’t until
was a dog after all and it wasn’t until
was a dog after all and it wasn’t until after his last breath when I heard my
after his last breath when I heard my
after his last breath when I heard my husband wail I turned around and he was
husband wail I turned around and he was
husband wail I turned around and he was collapsed and I realized though he
collapsed and I realized though he
collapsed and I realized though he wasn’t with me because we was taking
wasn’t with me because we was taking
wasn’t with me because we was taking care of
so I did it again I forgot to say thank
so I did it again I forgot to say thank you again and how do you parent during
you again and how do you parent during
you again and how do you parent during that time when your body is so wracked
that time when your body is so wracked
that time when your body is so wracked with guilt that you can barely function
with guilt that you can barely function
with guilt that you can barely function what these dates your seven year old how
what these dates your seven year old how
what these dates your seven year old how do you explain to him to just embrace
do you explain to him to just embrace
do you explain to him to just embrace death as a part of life how do you face
death as a part of life how do you face
death as a part of life how do you face your own mortality and his when he said
your own mortality and his when he said
your own mortality and his when he said to mommy I don’t want to die I don’t
to mommy I don’t want to die I don’t
to mommy I don’t want to die I don’t want to die because if I die my eyes
want to die because if I die my eyes
want to die because if I die my eyes will die and if my eyes die I will no
will die and if my eyes die I will no
will die and if my eyes die I will no longer see you and if I don’t see you
longer see you and if I don’t see you
longer see you and if I don’t see you I’ll forget you and if I forget you I’ll
I’ll forget you and if I forget you I’ll
I’ll forget you and if I forget you I’ll stop loving you and I just cannot stop
stop loving you and I just cannot stop
stop loving you and I just cannot stop loving you mommy
loving you mommy
loving you mommy what do you say so I reached out I
what do you say so I reached out I
what do you say so I reached out I reached out to my community of parents
reached out to my community of parents
reached out to my community of parents and somehow the fog lifted and I started
and somehow the fog lifted and I started
and somehow the fog lifted and I started seeing light all over again for some of
seeing light all over again for some of
seeing light all over again for some of you who are photographers that’s a big
you who are photographers that’s a big
you who are photographers that’s a big thing and I started appreciating my
thing and I started appreciating my
thing and I started appreciating my children for the little people that they
children for the little people that they
children for the little people that they were becoming they started to talk and
were becoming they started to talk and
were becoming they started to talk and reason and they were actually really
reason and they were actually really
reason and they were actually really funny I even enjoyed the quiet
I’m marvel about how strange they were
I’m marvel about how strange they were like really strange
like really strange
like really strange I wasn’t as rattled by the cries anymore
I wasn’t as rattled by the cries anymore
I wasn’t as rattled by the cries anymore because they were normally in costumes
because they were normally in costumes
because they were normally in costumes when that happened and that health and I
when that happened and that health and I
when that happened and that health and I brushed off a lot some of the daily
brushed off a lot some of the daily
brushed off a lot some of the daily challenges I even owned this new
challenges I even owned this new
challenges I even owned this new identity that I had I was no longer the
identity that I had I was no longer the
identity that I had I was no longer the dark brooding artist I was now the mom
dark brooding artist I was now the mom
dark brooding artist I was now the mom who thought cheesy yearbook photos were
who thought cheesy yearbook photos were
who thought cheesy yearbook photos were really really cool and I started to see
really really cool and I started to see
really really cool and I started to see my husband again not just as a father
my husband again not just as a father
my husband again not just as a father but as my life partner and I soaked them
but as my life partner and I soaked them
but as my life partner and I soaked them all yeah and it took a really long time
all yeah and it took a really long time
all yeah and it took a really long time to heal but it wasn’t as daunting
to heal but it wasn’t as daunting
to heal but it wasn’t as daunting because I knew that I was going through
because I knew that I was going through
because I knew that I was going through this journey with a community behind me
this journey with a community behind me
this journey with a community behind me thank you
thank you
thank you [Applause]
[Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
”
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