it was 6:30 a.m. on February the 13th the day before Valentine’s Day my then
the day before Valentine’s Day my then
the day before Valentine’s Day my then four-year-old son and I were at Heathrow
four-year-old son and I were at Heathrow
four-year-old son and I were at Heathrow Airport about to travel to Israel his
Airport about to travel to Israel his
Airport about to travel to Israel his great-grandmother was celebrating a
great-grandmother was celebrating a
great-grandmother was celebrating a milestone birthday and we were in
milestone birthday and we were in
milestone birthday and we were in duty-free looking for some jewelry
duty-free looking for some jewelry
duty-free looking for some jewelry my son eventually picked a gorgeous
my son eventually picked a gorgeous
my son eventually picked a gorgeous diamond pendant necklace
diamond pendant necklace
diamond pendant necklace the salesperson turned to him and said
the salesperson turned to him and said
the salesperson turned to him and said what a beautiful choice your mother is
what a beautiful choice your mother is
what a beautiful choice your mother is going to absolutely love this
going to absolutely love this
going to absolutely love this my son paused looked at her as if she
my son paused looked at her as if she
my son paused looked at her as if she had two heads and eventually said I
had two heads and eventually said I
had two heads and eventually said I don’t have a mother
don’t have a mother
don’t have a mother and with that he ran off to look at
and with that he ran off to look at
and with that he ran off to look at something at a nearby display in near
something at a nearby display in near
something at a nearby display in near tears the salesperson turned to me and
tears the salesperson turned to me and
tears the salesperson turned to me and said I’m so sorry
said I’m so sorry
said I’m so sorry 1 did your wife passed away turn out
1 did your wife passed away turn out
1 did your wife passed away turn out I’ve been up since 4:00 a.m. and thought
I’ve been up since 4:00 a.m. and thought
I’ve been up since 4:00 a.m. and thought I’d done brilliant only in one cup of
I’d done brilliant only in one cup of
I’d done brilliant only in one cup of coffee small child in tow in getting us
coffee small child in tow in getting us
coffee small child in tow in getting us to the airport
to the airport
to the airport through check-in and security now I
through check-in and security now I
through check-in and security now I faced a dilemma
faced a dilemma
faced a dilemma did I come out gay did I explain that I
did I come out gay did I explain that I
did I come out gay did I explain that I adopted with my now ex-husband did I
adopted with my now ex-husband did I
adopted with my now ex-husband did I share that I am in fact a single parent
share that I am in fact a single parent
share that I am in fact a single parent when you guys saw me here today did any
when you guys saw me here today did any
when you guys saw me here today did any of you think that I could be a divorced
of you think that I could be a divorced
of you think that I could be a divorced single gay dad I suspect not I was as
single gay dad I suspect not I was as
single gay dad I suspect not I was as invisible to you today as I was to that
invisible to you today as I was to that
invisible to you today as I was to that salesperson at the airport authenticity
salesperson at the airport authenticity
salesperson at the airport authenticity isn’t possible not for me and not for
isn’t possible not for me and not for
isn’t possible not for me and not for you our invisibility stands in the way
you our invisibility stands in the way
you our invisibility stands in the way what I mean is that all you ever see is
what I mean is that all you ever see is
what I mean is that all you ever see is a facade a combination of what I am
a facade a combination of what I am
a facade a combination of what I am willing to share overpowered by your own
willing to share overpowered by your own
willing to share overpowered by your own preconceived notions stereotypes and
preconceived notions stereotypes and
preconceived notions stereotypes and biases but since the 80s diversity
biases but since the 80s diversity
biases but since the 80s diversity initiatives have suggested that
initiatives have suggested that
initiatives have suggested that authenticity is achievable I summarize
authenticity is achievable I summarize
authenticity is achievable I summarize their approach with an equation
their approach with an equation
their approach with an equation diversity plus inclusion equals
diversity plus inclusion equals
diversity plus inclusion equals authenticity does it though
authenticity does it though
authenticity does it though I am diverse most people I meet say they
I am diverse most people I meet say they
I am diverse most people I meet say they are inclusive but I am rarely authentic
are inclusive but I am rarely authentic
are inclusive but I am rarely authentic and in fact more often than not I am
and in fact more often than not I am
and in fact more often than not I am invisible the equation doesn’t add up
invisible the equation doesn’t add up
invisible the equation doesn’t add up so back to my story Heathrow Airport
so back to my story Heathrow Airport
so back to my story Heathrow Airport duty-free 6:30 a.m. with me dire need of
duty-free 6:30 a.m. with me dire need of
duty-free 6:30 a.m. with me dire need of a cup of coffee and my son about to run
a cup of coffee and my son about to run
a cup of coffee and my son about to run through the airport I had two choices I
through the airport I had two choices I
through the airport I had two choices I could a continue to leave the facade
could a continue to leave the facade
could a continue to leave the facade created by the salesperson own
created by the salesperson own
created by the salesperson own preconceived notions and assumptions or
preconceived notions and assumptions or
preconceived notions and assumptions or be I could start over sharing a lot of
be I could start over sharing a lot of
be I could start over sharing a lot of personal details about my private life
personal details about my private life
personal details about my private life with a complete stranger all in an
with a complete stranger all in an
with a complete stranger all in an effort to show the real authentic me
effort to show the real authentic me
effort to show the real authentic me well I copped out I smiled politely
well I copped out I smiled politely
well I copped out I smiled politely after a rap the necklace and off I went
after a rap the necklace and off I went
after a rap the necklace and off I went after my son but why I said the
after my son but why I said the
after my son but why I said the authenticity equation is broken it’s
authenticity equation is broken it’s
authenticity equation is broken it’s more than that the organizational
more than that the organizational
more than that the organizational response to diversity actually kills
response to diversity actually kills
response to diversity actually kills authenticity rather than Foster’s it
authenticity rather than Foster’s it
authenticity rather than Foster’s it does it matter well it does if we’re
does it matter well it does if we’re
does it matter well it does if we’re going to respond to a rapidly changing
going to respond to a rapidly changing
going to respond to a rapidly changing demographic according to a Deloitte
demographic according to a Deloitte
demographic according to a Deloitte study Millennials those born between
study Millennials those born between
study Millennials those born between 1980 and 1995 will make up 75% of the
1980 and 1995 will make up 75% of the
1980 and 1995 will make up 75% of the workforce in the next eight years unlike
workforce in the next eight years unlike
workforce in the next eight years unlike my generation Millennials don’t think of
my generation Millennials don’t think of
my generation Millennials don’t think of diversity as a reference to
diversity as a reference to
diversity as a reference to characteristics such as race or gender
characteristics such as race or gender
characteristics such as race or gender sexuality or religion instead
sexuality or religion instead
sexuality or religion instead Millennials focus amongst other things
Millennials focus amongst other things
Millennials focus amongst other things on the acceptance of individualism
on the acceptance of individualism
on the acceptance of individualism individualism in my view is
individualism in my view is
individualism in my view is interchangeable with authenticity so
interchangeable with authenticity so
interchangeable with authenticity so while the current model sees
while the current model sees
while the current model sees authenticity is the end result of
authenticity is the end result of
authenticity is the end result of inclusive diversity practices we need to
inclusive diversity practices we need to
inclusive diversity practices we need to instead support a new majority that sees
instead support a new majority that sees
instead support a new majority that sees authenticity as the starting point so
authenticity as the starting point so
authenticity as the starting point so how do current diversity and inclusion
how do current diversity and inclusion
how do current diversity and inclusion programs actually smother off in this
programs actually smother off in this
programs actually smother off in this city any model that singles people out
city any model that singles people out
city any model that singles people out for being black LGBT female you choose
for being black LGBT female you choose
for being black LGBT female you choose the category goes against the very grain
the category goes against the very grain
the category goes against the very grain and nature of inclusion
and nature of inclusion
and nature of inclusion instead it fosters an environment of
instead it fosters an environment of
instead it fosters an environment of ghettoization pigeonholing and
ghettoization pigeonholing and
ghettoization pigeonholing and stereotyping I don’t fit into a single
stereotyping I don’t fit into a single
stereotyping I don’t fit into a single box no one does and that multiplicity is
box no one does and that multiplicity is
box no one does and that multiplicity is something that diversity and inclusion
something that diversity and inclusion
something that diversity and inclusion programs fail to acknowledge if we are
programs fail to acknowledge if we are
programs fail to acknowledge if we are going to accept authenticity than we
going to accept authenticity than we
going to accept authenticity than we need to accept the individual and
need to accept the individual and
need to accept the individual and individuals of diverse for a host of
individuals of diverse for a host of
individuals of diverse for a host of reasons I recently met Mary she’s a 42
reasons I recently met Mary she’s a 42
reasons I recently met Mary she’s a 42 year old single black lesbian mother to
year old single black lesbian mother to
year old single black lesbian mother to two teenagers she is Muslim and she has
two teenagers she is Muslim and she has
two teenagers she is Muslim and she has a career in finance Mary takes a lot of
a career in finance Mary takes a lot of
a career in finance Mary takes a lot of diversity boxes she could join any other
diversity boxes she could join any other
diversity boxes she could join any other host of her employers diversity support
host of her employers diversity support
host of her employers diversity support groups the black network the Women’s
groups the black network the Women’s
groups the black network the Women’s Network the LGBT network but each one
Network the LGBT network but each one
Network the LGBT network but each one only represents a small part of who she
only represents a small part of who she
only represents a small part of who she is
is
is if authenticity is about bringing your
if authenticity is about bringing your
if authenticity is about bringing your whole self to the table what do all
whole self to the table what do all
whole self to the table what do all these segregated networks aim to achieve
these segregated networks aim to achieve
these segregated networks aim to achieve Mary can’t be herself in any of them and
Mary can’t be herself in any of them and
Mary can’t be herself in any of them and even if she had the time to join them
even if she had the time to join them
even if she had the time to join them all how are these networks meant to work
all how are these networks meant to work
all how are these networks meant to work in tandem the answer is they can’t they
in tandem the answer is they can’t they
in tandem the answer is they can’t they don’t instead they work in isolation and
don’t instead they work in isolation and
don’t instead they work in isolation and they highlight difference and the minute
they highlight difference and the minute
they highlight difference and the minute we start putting people into boxes we
we start putting people into boxes we
we start putting people into boxes we start allowing preconceived notions and
start allowing preconceived notions and
start allowing preconceived notions and assumptions and biases to cloud how we
assumptions and biases to cloud how we
assumptions and biases to cloud how we view an individual remember my supposed
view an individual remember my supposed
view an individual remember my supposed dead wife when I was young I remember
dead wife when I was young I remember
dead wife when I was young I remember going into Toys R Us and seeing these
going into Toys R Us and seeing these
going into Toys R Us and seeing these long shelves of Barbie dolls do you
long shelves of Barbie dolls do you
long shelves of Barbie dolls do you remember those dolls that were always
remember those dolls that were always
remember those dolls that were always dressed for a special occasion or
dressed for a special occasion or
dressed for a special occasion or environment or a different situation I
environment or a different situation I
environment or a different situation I sometimes laugh but I’m like a Barbie
sometimes laugh but I’m like a Barbie
sometimes laugh but I’m like a Barbie doll my two via dolls would take up an
doll my two via dolls would take up an
doll my two via dolls would take up an entire shelf there’d be corporate Tuvia
entire shelf there’d be corporate Tuvia
entire shelf there’d be corporate Tuvia and charity Tuvia Papa Tuvia family
and charity Tuvia Papa Tuvia family
and charity Tuvia Papa Tuvia family Tuvia Fitness Tuvia party Tuvia but
Tuvia Fitness Tuvia party Tuvia but
Tuvia Fitness Tuvia party Tuvia but together they would create authentic
together they would create authentic
together they would create authentic Tuvia now if you considered one of those
Tuvia now if you considered one of those
Tuvia now if you considered one of those Tuvia dolls in isolation you would
Tuvia dolls in isolation you would
Tuvia dolls in isolation you would naturally judge me and
naturally judge me and
naturally judge me and consciously or subconsciously create a
consciously or subconsciously create a
consciously or subconsciously create a mental picture about Who I am but each
mental picture about Who I am but each
mental picture about Who I am but each one of us each one of you is a diverse
one of us each one of you is a diverse
one of us each one of you is a diverse multifaceted creature that is the beauty
multifaceted creature that is the beauty
multifaceted creature that is the beauty of individualism the danger comes an
of individualism the danger comes an
of individualism the danger comes an assumption and bias when I started the
assumption and bias when I started the
assumption and bias when I started the school run the rumor mill was ripe it
school run the rumor mill was ripe it
school run the rumor mill was ripe it started with all this talk about what my
started with all this talk about what my
started with all this talk about what my wife’s high power job could be such that
wife’s high power job could be such that
wife’s high power job could be such that the dad was doing the school run next
the dad was doing the school run next
the dad was doing the school run next when my ex-husband appeared clearly we
when my ex-husband appeared clearly we
when my ex-husband appeared clearly we were a very progressive family for
were a very progressive family for
were a very progressive family for having hired a Manny next when the
having hired a Manny next when the
having hired a Manny next when the actual nanny appeared a twenty-something
actual nanny appeared a twenty-something
actual nanny appeared a twenty-something blonde Eastern European woman well I was
blonde Eastern European woman well I was
blonde Eastern European woman well I was having a midlife crisis and it just
having a midlife crisis and it just
having a midlife crisis and it just turned my wife in for a younger model
turned my wife in for a younger model
turned my wife in for a younger model now I didn’t take the opportunity to
now I didn’t take the opportunity to
now I didn’t take the opportunity to overshare details of my life with any of
overshare details of my life with any of
overshare details of my life with any of the parents but nor did any of those
the parents but nor did any of those
the parents but nor did any of those parents ever stopped to ask me a
parents ever stopped to ask me a
parents ever stopped to ask me a question the net result was that their
question the net result was that their
question the net result was that their heteronormative assumptions of the world
heteronormative assumptions of the world
heteronormative assumptions of the world became my reality my entire life was
became my reality my entire life was
became my reality my entire life was assumed and no one had ever asked me a
assumed and no one had ever asked me a
assumed and no one had ever asked me a single question perhaps asking a
single question perhaps asking a
single question perhaps asking a question is just too uncomfortable the
question is just too uncomfortable the
question is just too uncomfortable the school gate scenario example applies
school gate scenario example applies
school gate scenario example applies equally in the workplace the
equally in the workplace the
equally in the workplace the establishment of diversity networks
establishment of diversity networks
establishment of diversity networks fosters an all-too-common assumption
fosters an all-too-common assumption
fosters an all-too-common assumption that everyone within a silo is exactly
that everyone within a silo is exactly
that everyone within a silo is exactly the same it means that those on the
the same it means that those on the
the same it means that those on the outside don’t ever need to get to know
outside don’t ever need to get to know
outside don’t ever need to get to know anyone because they think they already
anyone because they think they already
anyone because they think they already know who they are simply given their
know who they are simply given their
know who they are simply given their membership in the particular diversity
membership in the particular diversity
membership in the particular diversity group and that membership isn’t by
group and that membership isn’t by
group and that membership isn’t by choice but it happens automatically in
choice but it happens automatically in
choice but it happens automatically in the outsiders mind should Mary join the
the outsiders mind should Mary join the
the outsiders mind should Mary join the LGBT network or the black network or the
LGBT network or the black network or the
LGBT network or the black network or the Women’s Network simply because that is
Women’s Network simply because that is
Women’s Network simply because that is where she should fit in each one of
where she should fit in each one of
where she should fit in each one of those networks simply highlights Mary
those networks simply highlights Mary
those networks simply highlights Mary for being different
for being different
for being different each creates a Barbie doll effect
each creates a Barbie doll effect
each creates a Barbie doll effect authenticity will never happen if we are
authenticity will never happen if we are
authenticity will never happen if we are not prepared to get to know the real
not prepared to get to know the real
not prepared to get to know the real Mary or the real me or the real you for
Mary or the real me or the real you for
Mary or the real me or the real you for that matter
that matter
that matter and getting to know someone to that
and getting to know someone to that
and getting to know someone to that degree is going to take time and time is
degree is going to take time and time is
degree is going to take time and time is not a commodity that many of us have
not a commodity that many of us have
not a commodity that many of us have more importantly it’s gonna require each
more importantly it’s gonna require each
more importantly it’s gonna require each one of us to start sharing a lot of
one of us to start sharing a lot of
one of us to start sharing a lot of personal details about ourselves now
personal details about ourselves now
personal details about ourselves now that might not be something I feel
that might not be something I feel
that might not be something I feel comfortable doing more so it might not
comfortable doing more so it might not
comfortable doing more so it might not be something you feel comfortable
be something you feel comfortable
be something you feel comfortable hearing because it may very well
hearing because it may very well
hearing because it may very well challenge your own innate assumptions
challenge your own innate assumptions
challenge your own innate assumptions and biases ultimately being authentic is
and biases ultimately being authentic is
and biases ultimately being authentic is going to be awkward for you and me I
going to be awkward for you and me I
going to be awkward for you and me I will put my hands up and admit that even
will put my hands up and admit that even
will put my hands up and admit that even I have sometimes stereotyped and
I have sometimes stereotyped and
I have sometimes stereotyped and pigeon-holed and allowed my preconceived
pigeon-holed and allowed my preconceived
pigeon-holed and allowed my preconceived notions to take over a few months ago in
notions to take over a few months ago in
notions to take over a few months ago in the lead up to LGBT Pride my son and I
the lead up to LGBT Pride my son and I
the lead up to LGBT Pride my son and I were discussing the importance of pride
were discussing the importance of pride
were discussing the importance of pride I focused on the fact that we were an
I focused on the fact that we were an
I focused on the fact that we were an LGBT family the conversation did not go
LGBT family the conversation did not go
LGBT family the conversation did not go as expected at all my son said there are
as expected at all my son said there are
as expected at all my son said there are only two gay people in my family the
only two gay people in my family the
only two gay people in my family the majority are straight why do we have to
majority are straight why do we have to
majority are straight why do we have to call it LGBT he had a point the second
call it LGBT he had a point the second
call it LGBT he had a point the second and more challenging was his assertion
and more challenging was his assertion
and more challenging was his assertion that I I was not accepting of diversity
that I I was not accepting of diversity
that I I was not accepting of diversity he said if I’m wearing a t-shirt that
he said if I’m wearing a t-shirt that
he said if I’m wearing a t-shirt that says I am proud of you for being gay
says I am proud of you for being gay
says I am proud of you for being gay where’s your t-shirt that says you are
where’s your t-shirt that says you are
where’s your t-shirt that says you are proud of me for being mixed-race why are
proud of me for being mixed-race why are
proud of me for being mixed-race why are we talking about celebrating diversity
we talking about celebrating diversity
we talking about celebrating diversity and only talking about LGBT I made two
and only talking about LGBT I made two
and only talking about LGBT I made two mistakes and continuing that
mistakes and continuing that
mistakes and continuing that conversation first I said that weekend
conversation first I said that weekend
conversation first I said that weekend was about celebrating LGBT pride and
was about celebrating LGBT pride and
was about celebrating LGBT pride and that we would celebrate his mixed rich
that we would celebrate his mixed rich
that we would celebrate his mixed rich heritage during Black History Month
second
second I myself failed to acknowledge my son’s
I myself failed to acknowledge my son’s
I myself failed to acknowledge my son’s multifaceted diversity and I then
multifaceted diversity and I then
multifaceted diversity and I then allowed my own preconceived notion to
allowed my own preconceived notion to
allowed my own preconceived notion to apply thinking that having two gay dads
apply thinking that having two gay dads
apply thinking that having two gay dads would be more defining to his authentic
would be more defining to his authentic
would be more defining to his authentic identity than being mixed-race so there
identity than being mixed-race so there
identity than being mixed-race so there you have it that’s the problem but there
you have it that’s the problem but there
you have it that’s the problem but there is a solution and it’s elementary
is a solution and it’s elementary
is a solution and it’s elementary simplicity may make some people think
simplicity may make some people think
simplicity may make some people think that it’s just not achievable first
that it’s just not achievable first
that it’s just not achievable first things first
things first
things first break down silos don’t foster an
break down silos don’t foster an
break down silos don’t foster an environment of ghettoization that
environment of ghettoization that
environment of ghettoization that facilitates the making of common
facilitates the making of common
facilitates the making of common assumptions second become a champion of
assumptions second become a champion of
assumptions second become a champion of diversity as a whole
diversity as a whole
diversity as a whole don’t just be an LGBT champion for
don’t just be an LGBT champion for
don’t just be an LGBT champion for example because as an LGBT champion I
example because as an LGBT champion I
example because as an LGBT champion I would assume indulge me for a moment
would assume indulge me for a moment
would assume indulge me for a moment that you would still champion for the
that you would still champion for the
that you would still champion for the rights of women and other visible
rights of women and other visible
rights of women and other visible minorities and finally once we bring
minorities and finally once we bring
minorities and finally once we bring authenticity alive and bring it out
authenticity alive and bring it out
authenticity alive and bring it out don’t smother it and put it back in the
don’t smother it and put it back in the
don’t smother it and put it back in the closet consider what happens in
closet consider what happens in
closet consider what happens in businesses during end of your appraisal
businesses during end of your appraisal
businesses during end of your appraisal and promotion cycles our managers
and promotion cycles our managers
and promotion cycles our managers working with a predefined notion of
working with a predefined notion of
working with a predefined notion of candidacy that is just too rigid to
candidacy that is just too rigid to
candidacy that is just too rigid to accommodate individualism
accommodate individualism
accommodate individualism if so authenticity by default becomes a
if so authenticity by default becomes a
if so authenticity by default becomes a bad thing and we reward people better
bad thing and we reward people better
bad thing and we reward people better for being a stereotype after 30 years of
for being a stereotype after 30 years of
for being a stereotype after 30 years of the same there is hope Millennials are
the same there is hope Millennials are
the same there is hope Millennials are pioneering a new way of thinking and
pioneering a new way of thinking and
pioneering a new way of thinking and each one of you can help expedite change
each one of you can help expedite change
each one of you can help expedite change by grasping on to that mindset we
by grasping on to that mindset we
by grasping on to that mindset we started with an equation that was broken
started with an equation that was broken
started with an equation that was broken I’d like to leave you with a different
I’d like to leave you with a different
I’d like to leave you with a different one instead authenticity equals
one instead authenticity equals
one instead authenticity equals surrender me surrendering to the
surrender me surrendering to the
surrender me surrendering to the awkwardness of over sharing you
awkwardness of over sharing you
awkwardness of over sharing you surrendering your preconceived notions
surrendering your preconceived notions
surrendering your preconceived notions and assumptions to get to know the real
and assumptions to get to know the real
and assumptions to get to know the real me
me
me let’s have real conversations with real
let’s have real conversations with real
let’s have real conversations with real authentic people I know it sounds basic
authentic people I know it sounds basic
authentic people I know it sounds basic but basic is okay and having those
but basic is okay and having those
but basic is okay and having those conversations will mean asking some
conversations will mean asking some
conversations will mean asking some uncomfortable questions as I said before
uncomfortable questions as I said before
uncomfortable questions as I said before being authentic is going to be awkward
being authentic is going to be awkward
being authentic is going to be awkward for you and for me
for you and for me
for you and for me and most importantly it’ll require each
and most importantly it’ll require each
and most importantly it’ll require each one of us each one of you to admit and
one of us each one of you to admit and
one of us each one of you to admit and acknowledge that today you are each
acknowledge that today you are each
acknowledge that today you are each invisible to each other and perhaps even
invisible to each other and perhaps even
invisible to each other and perhaps even to yourselves I say enough is enough
to yourselves I say enough is enough
to yourselves I say enough is enough stand up and start the journey of
stand up and start the journey of
stand up and start the journey of unveiling yourselves
”
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