[Applause] when I was five I remember holding my
when I was five I remember holding my
when I was five I remember holding my mum’s hand to cross the road outside my
mum’s hand to cross the road outside my
mum’s hand to cross the road outside my primary school next to me was my friend
primary school next to me was my friend
primary school next to me was my friend and next to her was her mom who is
and next to her was her mom who is
and next to her was her mom who is pregnant and I remember looking across
pregnant and I remember looking across
pregnant and I remember looking across at this swollen belly with a mixture of
at this swollen belly with a mixture of
at this swollen belly with a mixture of horror and or thinking that’s got to
horror and or thinking that’s got to
horror and or thinking that’s got to come out and I turned to look up at my
come out and I turned to look up at my
come out and I turned to look up at my mum and I said do you think that by the
mum and I said do you think that by the
mum and I said do you think that by the time I have a baby
time I have a baby
time I have a baby they’ll have made a powder that you can
they’ll have made a powder that you can
they’ll have made a powder that you can sprinkle on so it won’t hurt because
sprinkle on so it won’t hurt because
sprinkle on so it won’t hurt because even from that early age my expectation
even from that early age my expectation
even from that early age my expectation was that Bertha was gonna hurt a lot and
was that Bertha was gonna hurt a lot and
was that Bertha was gonna hurt a lot and that belief was fueled over the next 25
that belief was fueled over the next 25
that belief was fueled over the next 25 years with every horror story I heard
years with every horror story I heard
years with every horror story I heard and every time I saw a birth on TV it’s
and every time I saw a birth on TV it’s
and every time I saw a birth on TV it’s always a medical emergency with a
always a medical emergency with a
always a medical emergency with a panicked and gasping woman flat on her
panicked and gasping woman flat on her
panicked and gasping woman flat on her back legs akimbo screaming in someone’s
back legs akimbo screaming in someone’s
back legs akimbo screaming in someone’s face
face
face give me Oh the drugs
[Music]
[Music] [Laughter]
in 2013 I got pregnant and it turned out
in 2013 I got pregnant and it turned out there was still no magic powder but my
there was still no magic powder but my
there was still no magic powder but my inner five-year-old refused to let it go
inner five-year-old refused to let it go
inner five-year-old refused to let it go it just didn’t make any sense to me what
it just didn’t make any sense to me what
it just didn’t make any sense to me what that my body could do everything from
that my body could do everything from
that my body could do everything from the moment of conception to the moment
the moment of conception to the moment
the moment of conception to the moment just before birth and then suddenly
just before birth and then suddenly
just before birth and then suddenly hadn’t got it covered really my
hadn’t got it covered really my
hadn’t got it covered really my expectations also weren’t helped by the
expectations also weren’t helped by the
expectations also weren’t helped by the swarm of random people who felt
swarm of random people who felt
swarm of random people who felt duty-bound to give me their opinion yeah
duty-bound to give me their opinion yeah
duty-bound to give me their opinion yeah well my wife wanted a natural birth
well my wife wanted a natural birth
well my wife wanted a natural birth until the pain kicked in trust me you
until the pain kicked in trust me you
until the pain kicked in trust me you will be screaming for the drugs oh
will be screaming for the drugs oh
will be screaming for the drugs oh thanks for that thanks you see the
thanks for that thanks you see the
thanks for that thanks you see the problem with expectations is that they
problem with expectations is that they
problem with expectations is that they shape our reality I knew that if I was
shape our reality I knew that if I was
shape our reality I knew that if I was gonna have an empowered birth I needed
gonna have an empowered birth I needed
gonna have an empowered birth I needed to dramatically change my expectation
to dramatically change my expectation
to dramatically change my expectation that led me to discover hypno birthing
that led me to discover hypno birthing
that led me to discover hypno birthing oh wow hypno birthing well that sounded
oh wow hypno birthing well that sounded
oh wow hypno birthing well that sounded suitably out to there so I signed up for
suitably out to there so I signed up for
suitably out to there so I signed up for a course and I found out very quickly
a course and I found out very quickly
a course and I found out very quickly that this was a course rooted in logic
that this was a course rooted in logic
that this was a course rooted in logic your body can’t be in an emergency
your body can’t be in an emergency
your body can’t be in an emergency response and a calm confident response
response and a calm confident response
response and a calm confident response at the same time you have to learn how
at the same time you have to learn how
at the same time you have to learn how to practice an access deep relaxation
to practice an access deep relaxation
to practice an access deep relaxation before labor trust me when I tell you
before labor trust me when I tell you
before labor trust me when I tell you that during labor is not the time you
that during labor is not the time you
that during labor is not the time you want to be learning how to relax
so through actually learning about birth
so through actually learning about birth because they talk in hypno birthing also
because they talk in hypno birthing also
because they talk in hypno birthing also about the power of language the language
about the power of language the language
about the power of language the language that you’re choosing so how the language
that you’re choosing so how the language
that you’re choosing so how the language you choose actually affects your body
you choose actually affects your body
you choose actually affects your body and it affects your experience so in
and it affects your experience so in
and it affects your experience so in hypno birthing you don’t have
hypno birthing you don’t have
hypno birthing you don’t have contractions oh no
contractions oh no
contractions oh no you have surges Z is already more
you have surges Z is already more
you have surges Z is already more manageable right even for him he’s never
manageable right even for him he’s never
manageable right even for him he’s never have to do it so through actually
have to do it so through actually
have to do it so through actually learning about this stuff I started to
learning about this stuff I started to
learning about this stuff I started to create a new set of expectations this
create a new set of expectations this
create a new set of expectations this wasn’t just something that was going to
wasn’t just something that was going to
wasn’t just something that was going to happen to me this was something I could
happen to me this was something I could
happen to me this was something I could influence I had to learn how to breathe
influence I had to learn how to breathe
influence I had to learn how to breathe trust surrender release a 3:20 a.m. on
trust surrender release a 3:20 a.m. on
trust surrender release a 3:20 a.m. on Wednesday the 5th of february 2014 i
Wednesday the 5th of february 2014 i
Wednesday the 5th of february 2014 i birthed my son Albert there you can
birthed my son Albert there you can
birthed my son Albert there you can laugh is pretty funny at home in a
laugh is pretty funny at home in a
laugh is pretty funny at home in a glorified paddling pool I was fully
glorified paddling pool I was fully
glorified paddling pool I was fully awesome
awesome
awesome and I’m holding this weird waxy alien
and I’m holding this weird waxy alien
and I’m holding this weird waxy alien type ribcage and I’m thinking just one
type ribcage and I’m thinking just one
type ribcage and I’m thinking just one more surgeon I’m gonna be a mum and so I
more surgeon I’m gonna be a mum and so I
more surgeon I’m gonna be a mum and so I take that breath I breathe down I get
take that breath I breathe down I get
take that breath I breathe down I get out the way and he swims up in out of
out the way and he swims up in out of
out the way and he swims up in out of the water and there he is the only
the water and there he is the only
the water and there he is the only screaming that there was was a tiny
screaming that there was was a tiny
screaming that there was was a tiny voice inside me prolly did it get in
because you see the beauty of
because you see the beauty of expectations is that they shape our
expectations is that they shape our
expectations is that they shape our reality the first few days and weeks
reality the first few days and weeks
reality the first few days and weeks after you have a newborn are surreal
after you have a newborn are surreal
after you have a newborn are surreal there is this beautiful stumbling
there is this beautiful stumbling
there is this beautiful stumbling chaotic freefall that makes no sense and
chaotic freefall that makes no sense and
chaotic freefall that makes no sense and all the sense like I had no idea what
all the sense like I had no idea what
all the sense like I had no idea what normal look like I didn’t know if it was
normal look like I didn’t know if it was
normal look like I didn’t know if it was normal to be walking around with
normal to be walking around with
normal to be walking around with refrigerated cabbage leaves on these
refrigerated cabbage leaves on these
refrigerated cabbage leaves on these newly acquired Amazonian utters just let
newly acquired Amazonian utters just let
newly acquired Amazonian utters just let that image sink in shutting myself in a
that image sink in shutting myself in a
that image sink in shutting myself in a room with my newborn having a panic
room with my newborn having a panic
room with my newborn having a panic attack because I was not ready to see
attack because I was not ready to see
attack because I was not ready to see the Midwife screaming at my husband in
the Midwife screaming at my husband in
the Midwife screaming at my husband in the early hours of the morning that he
the early hours of the morning that he
the early hours of the morning that he just didn’t smile at me anymore some
just didn’t smile at me anymore some
just didn’t smile at me anymore some people would say that that sounds pretty
people would say that that sounds pretty
people would say that that sounds pretty normal actually but it didn’t stop there
normal actually but it didn’t stop there
normal actually but it didn’t stop there it grew
it grew
it grew and it grew It was as if something had
and it grew It was as if something had
and it grew It was as if something had taken root something had taken hold of
taken root something had taken hold of
taken root something had taken hold of me something powerful and relentless
me something powerful and relentless
me something powerful and relentless this overwhelming energy started to move
this overwhelming energy started to move
this overwhelming energy started to move through me with a superhuman speed I
through me with a superhuman speed I
through me with a superhuman speed I became obsessed with documenting
became obsessed with documenting
became obsessed with documenting everything I felt countless notebooks
everything I felt countless notebooks
everything I felt countless notebooks and recorded hours of audio because I
and recorded hours of audio because I
and recorded hours of audio because I became terrified of losing even a single
became terrified of losing even a single
became terrified of losing even a single thought because if I thought if I lost
thought because if I thought if I lost
thought because if I thought if I lost anything one single thought I would lose
anything one single thought I would lose
anything one single thought I would lose everything I just had hours and hours of
everything I just had hours and hours of
everything I just had hours and hours of audio on my phone like this mother
whatever had taken hold didn’t want me
whatever had taken hold didn’t want me to sleep or eat take medication get help
to sleep or eat take medication get help
to sleep or eat take medication get help or be loved they only let me sleep for
or be loved they only let me sleep for
or be loved they only let me sleep for nine hours in 11 days yeah the thing as
nine hours in 11 days yeah the thing as
nine hours in 11 days yeah the thing as I called it wanted to destroy me and I
I called it wanted to destroy me and I
I called it wanted to destroy me and I believed it could my name is Jessica I
believed it could my name is Jessica I
believed it could my name is Jessica I have postpartum psychosis it is not my
have postpartum psychosis it is not my
have postpartum psychosis it is not my fault this is the mantra I created as
fault this is the mantra I created as
fault this is the mantra I created as soon as I heard the words postpartum
soon as I heard the words postpartum
soon as I heard the words postpartum psychosis for the first time and I said
psychosis for the first time and I said
psychosis for the first time and I said it thousands of times during my illness
it thousands of times during my illness
it thousands of times during my illness and recovery the first time I heard
and recovery the first time I heard
and recovery the first time I heard those words I looked into my husband’s
those words I looked into my husband’s
those words I looked into my husband’s eyes and I said yes that feels like what
eyes and I said yes that feels like what
eyes and I said yes that feels like what this is and I felt the most fleeting
this is and I felt the most fleeting
this is and I felt the most fleeting moment of calm and peace before a wave
moment of calm and peace before a wave
moment of calm and peace before a wave of more mania washed over me having a
of more mania washed over me having a
of more mania washed over me having a name for it meant that it was something
name for it meant that it was something
name for it meant that it was something separate it wasn’t me
separate it wasn’t me
separate it wasn’t me it meant that I was ill and if I was ill
it meant that I was ill and if I was ill
it meant that I was ill and if I was ill in
in
in that I could get better I knew that if I
that I could get better I knew that if I
that I could get better I knew that if I was gonna survive I had to say yes to
was gonna survive I had to say yes to
was gonna survive I had to say yes to every contraction of psychosis breathe
every contraction of psychosis breathe
every contraction of psychosis breathe trust surrender release because my
trust surrender release because my
trust surrender release because my psychosis was grueling it was painful it
psychosis was grueling it was painful it
psychosis was grueling it was painful it was terrifying
was terrifying
was terrifying it was incredible I was the victim but I
it was incredible I was the victim but I
it was incredible I was the victim but I was the boss because I forced myself to
was the boss because I forced myself to
was the boss because I forced myself to remember at every stage that I had
remember at every stage that I had
remember at every stage that I had choices in what felt like something
choices in what felt like something
choices in what felt like something totally out of my control I chose to
totally out of my control I chose to
totally out of my control I chose to have the best psychosis I could oh yeah
have the best psychosis I could oh yeah
have the best psychosis I could oh yeah this wasn’t how I’d planned the start of
this wasn’t how I’d planned the start of
this wasn’t how I’d planned the start of our new lives together obviously but I
our new lives together obviously but I
our new lives together obviously but I have to remember my training this wasn’t
have to remember my training this wasn’t
have to remember my training this wasn’t just something that was going to happen
just something that was going to happen
just something that was going to happen to me this was something I could
to me this was something I could
to me this was something I could influence so I had a bed waiting for me
influence so I had a bed waiting for me
influence so I had a bed waiting for me at a mother and baby psychiatric unit
at a mother and baby psychiatric unit
at a mother and baby psychiatric unit but I had to get us there it already
but I had to get us there it already
but I had to get us there it already taken me 15 hours and countless failed
taken me 15 hours and countless failed
taken me 15 hours and countless failed attempts to try to make the 5 minute
attempts to try to make the 5 minute
attempts to try to make the 5 minute walk from my hospital room to the car
walk from my hospital room to the car
walk from my hospital room to the car that was waiting to take me there and I
that was waiting to take me there and I
that was waiting to take me there and I was exhausted and I was on my last
was exhausted and I was on my last
was exhausted and I was on my last chance because if I couldn’t get us all
chance because if I couldn’t get us all
chance because if I couldn’t get us all to a place of safety the police would
to a place of safety the police would
to a place of safety the police would need to be called and I would be
need to be called and I would be
need to be called and I would be sectioned and Albert would be taken away
sectioned and Albert would be taken away
sectioned and Albert would be taken away from me so I kosis expected me to fail
from me so I kosis expected me to fail
from me so I kosis expected me to fail so I set up a council of war in that
so I set up a council of war in that
so I set up a council of war in that room and I briefed every person in it
room and I briefed every person in it
room and I briefed every person in it with military precision
with military precision
with military precision the crisis team my husband my
the crisis team my husband my
the crisis team my husband my mother-in-law and Albert I drilled them
mother-in-law and Albert I drilled them
mother-in-law and Albert I drilled them with the plan I had chosen a song that
with the plan I had chosen a song that
with the plan I had chosen a song that was three minutes 52 seconds long and we
was three minutes 52 seconds long and we
was three minutes 52 seconds long and we were going to walk out of there to music
were going to walk out of there to music
were going to walk out of there to music oh yes I would defy the thing that had
oh yes I would defy the thing that had
oh yes I would defy the thing that had taken me hostage by staging the most
taken me hostage by staging the most
taken me hostage by staging the most epic Hospital cinematic breakout ever so
epic Hospital cinematic breakout ever so
epic Hospital cinematic breakout ever so at 1:00 a.m. on the dot I flung open the
at 1:00 a.m. on the dot I flung open the
at 1:00 a.m. on the dot I flung open the door and with music blaring out of the
door and with music blaring out of the
door and with music blaring out of the phone in my pocket I walked us out of
phone in my pocket I walked us out of
phone in my pocket I walked us out of that Hospital Reservoir Dogs style
that Hospital Reservoir Dogs style
that Hospital Reservoir Dogs style in slow motion actually did this all the
in slow motion actually did this all the
in slow motion actually did this all the way to the car it took a while but I did
way to the car it took a while but I did
way to the car it took a while but I did it because psychosis picked the wrong
it because psychosis picked the wrong
it because psychosis picked the wrong mother to mess with we all have
mother to mess with we all have
mother to mess with we all have expectations of course we do but do we
expectations of course we do but do we
expectations of course we do but do we know that we have the power to change
know that we have the power to change
know that we have the power to change them to influence them can we look at
them to influence them can we look at
them to influence them can we look at how we deal with the unexpected and
how we deal with the unexpected and
how we deal with the unexpected and unforeseen can we find ways to birth our
unforeseen can we find ways to birth our
unforeseen can we find ways to birth our lives well we’ve all got the chance all
lives well we’ve all got the chance all
lives well we’ve all got the chance all the time in the small things okay you
the time in the small things okay you
the time in the small things okay you don’t have to be you know giving birth
don’t have to be you know giving birth
don’t have to be you know giving birth or have psychosis to deal with the
or have psychosis to deal with the
or have psychosis to deal with the unexpected let’s start really small how
unexpected let’s start really small how
unexpected let’s start really small how do you deal with the weather suitably
do you deal with the weather suitably
do you deal with the weather suitably British can you start noticing what
British can you start noticing what
British can you start noticing what happens when you were told sunshine and
happens when you were told sunshine and
happens when you were told sunshine and you’ve got rain is it horrible weather
you’ve got rain is it horrible weather
you’ve got rain is it horrible weather or is it simply raining can you start
or is it simply raining can you start
or is it simply raining can you start noticing what happens to your thought
noticing what happens to your thought
noticing what happens to your thought your resistance the tension in your body
your resistance the tension in your body
your resistance the tension in your body the language you are choosing are these
the language you are choosing are these
the language you are choosing are these choices little sprinkles of powder that
choices little sprinkles of powder that
choices little sprinkles of powder that can help us birth our lives with more
can help us birth our lives with more
can help us birth our lives with more ease a little less pain can we take a
ease a little less pain can we take a
ease a little less pain can we take a moment to embrace the chaos the
moment to embrace the chaos the
moment to embrace the chaos the unexpected to shake off judgments about
unexpected to shake off judgments about
unexpected to shake off judgments about how I told it’s gonna be or how we think
how I told it’s gonna be or how we think
how I told it’s gonna be or how we think it should be for a fraction of time and
it should be for a fraction of time and
it should be for a fraction of time and say yes to what we’re actually
say yes to what we’re actually
say yes to what we’re actually experiencing no matter how difficult it
experiencing no matter how difficult it
experiencing no matter how difficult it is
is
is can we stop practicing relaxation in
can we stop practicing relaxation in
can we stop practicing relaxation in those tiny seemingly inconsequential
those tiny seemingly inconsequential
those tiny seemingly inconsequential little moments before something big
little moments before something big
little moments before something big happens to us because let’s face it
happens to us because let’s face it
happens to us because let’s face it trying to learn surrender when it’s all
trying to learn surrender when it’s all
trying to learn surrender when it’s all kicking off the birth the psychosis the
kicking off the birth the psychosis the
kicking off the birth the psychosis the death the cancer the depression and
death the cancer the depression and
death the cancer the depression and that’s not the easiest time if the
that’s not the easiest time if the
that’s not the easiest time if the problem with expectations is that they
problem with expectations is that they
problem with expectations is that they shape our reality and the beauty of
shape our reality and the beauty of
shape our reality and the beauty of expectations is that they shape our
expectations is that they shape our
expectations is that they shape our reality then the wonderful powerful and
reality then the wonderful powerful and
reality then the wonderful powerful and incredible truth about our expectation
incredible truth about our expectation
incredible truth about our expectation is that we can practice change
is that we can practice change
is that we can practice change if we have the courage to practice the
if we have the courage to practice the
if we have the courage to practice the courage to be present you know the
courage to be present you know the
courage to be present you know the courage to surrender the courage to
courage to surrender the courage to
courage to surrender the courage to change
change
change hypno birthing didn’t just teach me how
hypno birthing didn’t just teach me how
hypno birthing didn’t just teach me how to birth my children oh yes I had
to birth my children oh yes I had
to birth my children oh yes I had another one it taught me how to birth my
another one it taught me how to birth my
another one it taught me how to birth my psychosis and how to birth my life
”
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