[Music] [Applause]
[Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
please take a moment to get comfortable
please take a moment to get comfortable in your chairs take a nice deep breath
in your chairs take a nice deep breath
in your chairs take a nice deep breath because we’re going to be talking about
because we’re going to be talking about
because we’re going to be talking about sex and for the next ten minutes I’d
sex and for the next ten minutes I’d
sex and for the next ten minutes I’d like you to be careful about no
like you to be careful about no
like you to be careful about no inadvertent touching of anyone around
inadvertent touching of anyone around
inadvertent touching of anyone around you I’d like you to take a second to
you I’d like you to take a second to
you I’d like you to take a second to consider how it is that we all tend to
consider how it is that we all tend to
consider how it is that we all tend to settle down and committed relationships
settle down and committed relationships
settle down and committed relationships without really getting to know the other
without really getting to know the other
without really getting to know the other person this is particularly true in the
person this is particularly true in the
person this is particularly true in the area of sex where we irrationally assume
area of sex where we irrationally assume
area of sex where we irrationally assume that the other person is going to like
that the other person is going to like
that the other person is going to like sex pretty much just like we do we fail
sex pretty much just like we do we fail
sex pretty much just like we do we fail to do what in business terms is known as
to do what in business terms is known as
to do what in business terms is known as performing our due diligence and most of
performing our due diligence and most of
performing our due diligence and most of us are made quickly aware of just how
us are made quickly aware of just how
us are made quickly aware of just how irrational we were in that assumption
irrational we were in that assumption
irrational we were in that assumption I’m a marriage and family therapist and
I’m a marriage and family therapist and
I’m a marriage and family therapist and for the last 20 years I have been
for the last 20 years I have been
for the last 20 years I have been working with people who have sexual
working with people who have sexual
working with people who have sexual problems I was a little nervous getting
problems I was a little nervous getting
problems I was a little nervous getting started with this work and so I attended
started with this work and so I attended
started with this work and so I attended every conference participated in every
every conference participated in every
every conference participated in every training and read every book on sex that
training and read every book on sex that
training and read every book on sex that I could find but the most important
I could find but the most important
I could find but the most important things that I have learned have come
things that I have learned have come
things that I have learned have come from simply listening to my clients and
from simply listening to my clients and
from simply listening to my clients and I’ve learned something from listening to
I’ve learned something from listening to
I’ve learned something from listening to them that I’ve never shared publicly
them that I’ve never shared publicly
them that I’ve never shared publicly before we all have a comfort setting on
before we all have a comfort setting on
before we all have a comfort setting on our sexual appetites a magic sex number
our sexual appetites a magic sex number
our sexual appetites a magic sex number that is pretty much unchanging over our
that is pretty much unchanging over our
that is pretty much unchanging over our lifespan my own learning began with a
lifespan my own learning began with a
lifespan my own learning began with a couple who came into my office seeking
couple who came into my office seeking
couple who came into my office seeking counseling they argued a lot
counseling they argued a lot
counseling they argued a lot each felt that the other was insensitive
each felt that the other was insensitive
each felt that the other was insensitive and uncaring they both were confused
and uncaring they both were confused
and uncaring they both were confused angry and upset about having married
angry and upset about having married
angry and upset about having married what was perfectly clearly the very
what was perfectly clearly the very
what was perfectly clearly the very worst person on earth they had a lot of
worst person on earth they had a lot of
worst person on earth they had a lot of problems but all of their problems
problems but all of their problems
problems but all of their problems seemed to lead back to one thing the
seemed to lead back to one thing the
seemed to lead back to one thing the profound difference in their sexual
profound difference in their sexual
profound difference in their sexual appetites like a lot of other men he
appetites like a lot of other men he
appetites like a lot of other men he would drive home from work wondering if
would drive home from work wondering if
would drive home from work wondering if today just maybe he might be lucky
today just maybe he might be lucky
today just maybe he might be lucky enough to get some he would then engage
enough to get some he would then engage
enough to get some he would then engage in a calculus of sexual expectations
in a calculus of sexual expectations
in a calculus of sexual expectations beginning with recalling the date of the
beginning with recalling the date of the
beginning with recalling the date of the last sexual encounter and Counting the
last sexual encounter and Counting the
last sexual encounter and Counting the number of days since then dividing that
number of days since then dividing that
number of days since then dividing that number by the number of times he had
number by the number of times he had
number by the number of times he had pleased his wife or contrariwise
pleased his wife or contrariwise
pleased his wife or contrariwise multiplying that number by the number of
multiplying that number by the number of
multiplying that number by the number of times he had displeased his wife other
times he had displeased his wife other
times he had displeased his wife other variables would include how burdened his
variables would include how burdened his
variables would include how burdened his wife was with the cares of this world
wife was with the cares of this world
wife was with the cares of this world and how much he really really wanted to
and how much he really really wanted to
and how much he really really wanted to have sex if he judged that the odds were
have sex if he judged that the odds were
have sex if he judged that the odds were in his favor he would arrive home in an
in his favor he would arrive home in an
in his favor he would arrive home in an unusually attentive frame of mind
no honey how was your day honey can I
no honey how was your day honey can I help you with those dishes no honey let
help you with those dishes no honey let
help you with those dishes no honey let me let me do it he would then excused
me let me do it he would then excused
me let me do it he would then excused himself to go take a shower when he had
himself to go take a shower when he had
himself to go take a shower when he had already showered that day for his job at
already showered that day for his job at
already showered that day for his job at the air-conditioned office emerging from
the air-conditioned office emerging from
the air-conditioned office emerging from the shower he would engage in the
the shower he would engage in the
the shower he would engage in the annoying behavior of walking around
annoying behavior of walking around
annoying behavior of walking around cheerfully or even worse whistling a
cheerfully or even worse whistling a
cheerfully or even worse whistling a happy tune she would notice all this of
happy tune she would notice all this of
happy tune she would notice all this of course and she would engage in her own
course and she would engage in her own
course and she would engage in her own calculus of sexual obligation in which
calculus of sexual obligation in which
calculus of sexual obligation in which she would try to determine whether or
she would try to determine whether or
she would try to determine whether or not he really deserved it and whether or
not he really deserved it and whether or
not he really deserved it and whether or not as a consequence she had a moral
not as a consequence she had a moral
not as a consequence she had a moral obligation to give it up the differences
obligation to give it up the differences
obligation to give it up the differences in their sexual appetite were so
in their sexual appetite were so
in their sexual appetite were so disconcerting that they each had a
disconcerting that they each had a
disconcerting that they each had a theory to explain the other his theory
theory to explain the other his theory
theory to explain the other his theory was that she was the unfortunate victim
was that she was the unfortunate victim
was that she was the unfortunate victim of early childhood sexual abuse and as a
of early childhood sexual abuse and as a
of early childhood sexual abuse and as a consequence was there for sexually
consequence was there for sexually
consequence was there for sexually frigid her theory he’s a sex addict a
frigid her theory he’s a sex addict a
frigid her theory he’s a sex addict a monster and and really not a very nice
monster and and really not a very nice
monster and and really not a very nice person
person
person they were both equally wrong in their
they were both equally wrong in their
they were both equally wrong in their theories but nothing I did seemed to
theories but nothing I did seemed to
theories but nothing I did seemed to help this couple until one day I
help this couple until one day I
help this couple until one day I distinctly recall hearing him say that
distinctly recall hearing him say that
distinctly recall hearing him say that he was the sort of guy who if he could
he was the sort of guy who if he could
he was the sort of guy who if he could would love to have sex every day and I
would love to have sex every day and I
would love to have sex every day and I raised my eyebrow you know the way
raised my eyebrow you know the way
raised my eyebrow you know the way counselors do when I looked at her and
counselors do when I looked at her and
counselors do when I looked at her and she understood and quickly volunteered
she understood and quickly volunteered
she understood and quickly volunteered that she if she could would he love to
that she if she could would he love to
that she if she could would he love to have sex once every two weeks
have sex once every two weeks
have sex once every two weeks and then it clicked they were each as
and then it clicked they were each as
and then it clicked they were each as they were meant to be just as each of
they were meant to be just as each of
they were meant to be just as each of these two lovely people had a specific
these two lovely people had a specific
these two lovely people had a specific number of hours of sleep they required
number of hours of sleep they required
number of hours of sleep they required in order to feel refreshed and a
in order to feel refreshed and a
in order to feel refreshed and a specific number of calories they needed
specific number of calories they needed
specific number of calories they needed in order to get through the day they
in order to get through the day they
in order to get through the day they each had a specific number of sexual
each had a specific number of sexual
each had a specific number of sexual encounters that they required in order
encounters that they required in order
encounters that they required in order to be their most comfortable so now I
to be their most comfortable so now I
to be their most comfortable so now I have a question that I asked people that
have a question that I asked people that
have a question that I asked people that I want you to answer not out loud after
I want you to answer not out loud after
I want you to answer not out loud after the honeymoon and all the other hoopla
the honeymoon and all the other hoopla
the honeymoon and all the other hoopla has settled down and you are in a
has settled down and you are in a
has settled down and you are in a long-term committed relationship not
long-term committed relationship not
long-term committed relationship not just any long-term committed
just any long-term committed
just any long-term committed relationship but your ideal committed
relationship but your ideal committed
relationship but your ideal committed relationship with the ideal person who
relationship with the ideal person who
relationship with the ideal person who loves you as much as you love them and
loves you as much as you love them and
loves you as much as you love them and who is as attracted to you as you are to
who is as attracted to you as you are to
who is as attracted to you as you are to them how often in that ideal
them how often in that ideal
them how often in that ideal relationship would you ideally like to
relationship would you ideally like to
relationship would you ideally like to have sexual encounters per week or per
have sexual encounters per week or per
have sexual encounters per week or per month or per year now a lot of people
month or per year now a lot of people
month or per year now a lot of people try to lowball me and they’ll come in
try to lowball me and they’ll come in
try to lowball me and they’ll come in with something like well three times
with something like well three times
with something like well three times three times a week would be amazing I
three times a week would be amazing I
three times a week would be amazing I mean I’d be over the moon with three
mean I’d be over the moon with three
mean I’d be over the moon with three times a week but come to think of it
times a week but come to think of it
times a week but come to think of it twice I I’d be glad to have a twice a
twice I I’d be glad to have a twice a
twice I I’d be glad to have a twice a week that would be fantastic I mean damn
week that would be fantastic I mean damn
week that would be fantastic I mean damn it I’ll sell it for once once a week I
it I’ll sell it for once once a week I
it I’ll sell it for once once a week I it would be too good to be true
other people tend to over promise oh I’d
other people tend to over promise oh I’d be willing to have sex as often as my
be willing to have sex as often as my
be willing to have sex as often as my partner wanted to I mean really it’d be
partner wanted to I mean really it’d be
partner wanted to I mean really it’d be no problem as long at all as long as
no problem as long at all as long as
no problem as long at all as long as they’re nice to me and my mother
these are not answers therapist Marty
these are not answers therapist Marty Klein talks about normalcy anxiety in
Klein talks about normalcy anxiety in
Klein talks about normalcy anxiety in regard to how badly we all want to be
regard to how badly we all want to be
regard to how badly we all want to be normal and there is nothing more
normal and there is nothing more
normal and there is nothing more calculated to create normalcy anxiety
calculated to create normalcy anxiety
calculated to create normalcy anxiety than being asked how often you’d like to
than being asked how often you’d like to
than being asked how often you’d like to have sex because none of us know what is
have sex because none of us know what is
have sex because none of us know what is the correct number of times to want to
the correct number of times to want to
the correct number of times to want to have sex but guess what we’re all normal
have sex but guess what we’re all normal
have sex but guess what we’re all normal we all fall somewhere on that vast and
we all fall somewhere on that vast and
we all fall somewhere on that vast and very beautiful bell-shaped curve that
very beautiful bell-shaped curve that
very beautiful bell-shaped curve that encompasses the range of human sexual
encompasses the range of human sexual
encompasses the range of human sexual appetites so no matter what your magic
appetites so no matter what your magic
appetites so no matter what your magic sex number is that’s what’s normal but
sex number is that’s what’s normal but
sex number is that’s what’s normal but having a magic sex number also means
having a magic sex number also means
having a magic sex number also means you’re not exactly sexually compatible
you’re not exactly sexually compatible
you’re not exactly sexually compatible with people whose number is
with people whose number is
with people whose number is significantly different how big of a
significantly different how big of a
significantly different how big of a difference does it take to be
difference does it take to be
difference does it take to be significant well let’s consider a
significant well let’s consider a
significant well let’s consider a different couple much closer one of them
different couple much closer one of them
different couple much closer one of them would like to have sex every day the
would like to have sex every day the
would like to have sex every day the other would like to have sex every other
other would like to have sex every other
other would like to have sex every other day no matter how you slice it they’re
day no matter how you slice it they’re
day no matter how you slice it they’re in a relationship with someone who wants
in a relationship with someone who wants
in a relationship with someone who wants either twice as much or half as much sex
either twice as much or half as much sex
either twice as much or half as much sex as they do that’s a significant
as they do that’s a significant
as they do that’s a significant difference now of course they could
difference now of course they could
difference now of course they could compromise and thus ensure that everyone
compromise and thus ensure that everyone
compromise and thus ensure that everyone is equally miserable
so now single people have yet another
so now single people have yet another question to add to that intentional
question to add to that intentional
question to add to that intentional interview that they conduct on those
interview that they conduct on those
interview that they conduct on those they are considering for a leading
they are considering for a leading
they are considering for a leading romantic role in a long-term committed
romantic role in a long-term committed
romantic role in a long-term committed relationship they don’t have to ask
relationship they don’t have to ask
relationship they don’t have to ask about the magic sex number they could
about the magic sex number they could
about the magic sex number they could just hope everything works out
just hope everything works out
just hope everything works out magically but what about the rest of us
magically but what about the rest of us
magically but what about the rest of us what about those of us who are already
what about those of us who are already
what about those of us who are already in a committed relationship
in a committed relationship
in a committed relationship what if our mates want sex more often or
what if our mates want sex more often or
what if our mates want sex more often or less often than we do a talk like this
less often than we do a talk like this
less often than we do a talk like this could be pretty discouraging well
could be pretty discouraging well
could be pretty discouraging well consider this all you sexually
consider this all you sexually
consider this all you sexually mismatched couples out there your mates
mismatched couples out there your mates
mismatched couples out there your mates magic sex number is not about you
magic sex number is not about you
magic sex number is not about you it has nothing to do with how beautiful
it has nothing to do with how beautiful
it has nothing to do with how beautiful you are how handsome you are or how sexy
you are how handsome you are or how sexy
you are how handsome you are or how sexy you are your mates magic sex number is
you are your mates magic sex number is
you are your mates magic sex number is utterly and entirely about them and they
utterly and entirely about them and they
utterly and entirely about them and they are as interested in changing their
are as interested in changing their
are as interested in changing their number as you are in changing yours
number as you are in changing yours
number as you are in changing yours which is to say not at all
knowing this simple truth is very
knowing this simple truth is very empowering because it means I don’t have
empowering because it means I don’t have
empowering because it means I don’t have to keep trying to change my mate but I
to keep trying to change my mate but I
to keep trying to change my mate but I could instead begin to learn to really
could instead begin to learn to really
could instead begin to learn to really accept them as they are and yes there
accept them as they are and yes there
accept them as they are and yes there are those relationships that are so full
are those relationships that are so full
are those relationships that are so full of wonder and joy and the deepest of
of wonder and joy and the deepest of
of wonder and joy and the deepest of satisfaction that sex is unbelievably a
satisfaction that sex is unbelievably a
satisfaction that sex is unbelievably a very small part of an otherwise very big
very small part of an otherwise very big
very small part of an otherwise very big picture and yes there are those
picture and yes there are those
picture and yes there are those relationships that were never meant to
relationships that were never meant to
relationships that were never meant to endure but instead of blaming each other
endure but instead of blaming each other
endure but instead of blaming each other for being either sexually frigid or
for being either sexually frigid or
for being either sexually frigid or sexually addicted we could instead step
sexually addicted we could instead step
sexually addicted we could instead step up and take responsibility for being the
up and take responsibility for being the
up and take responsibility for being the ones who left before we really looked
ones who left before we really looked
ones who left before we really looked sometimes life gives us a chance to
sometimes life gives us a chance to
sometimes life gives us a chance to learn a very important lesson that we’re
learn a very important lesson that we’re
learn a very important lesson that we’re going to need later and sometimes that
going to need later and sometimes that
going to need later and sometimes that lesson is even magical I suppose some of
lesson is even magical I suppose some of
lesson is even magical I suppose some of you might wonder what happened to that
you might wonder what happened to that
you might wonder what happened to that first couple I was telling you about
first couple I was telling you about
first couple I was telling you about well I’m not going to tell you because
well I’m not going to tell you because
well I’m not going to tell you because your magic is in you and that’s the
your magic is in you and that’s the
your magic is in you and that’s the magic that matters thank you
”
Be First to Comment