so Debbie was a 52 year old beautiful mother of three who died of cancer at
mother of three who died of cancer at
mother of three who died of cancer at least that’s what they wrote on her
least that’s what they wrote on her
least that’s what they wrote on her death certificate but when I met with
death certificate but when I met with
death certificate but when I met with the family to arrange her funeral I
the family to arrange her funeral I
the family to arrange her funeral I discovered the truth in situations like
discovered the truth in situations like
discovered the truth in situations like these I always ask personal questions
these I always ask personal questions
these I always ask personal questions so that I can craft a highly
so that I can craft a highly
so that I can craft a highly personalized funeral and with Debbie’s
personalized funeral and with Debbie’s
personalized funeral and with Debbie’s family I began by asking what did your
family I began by asking what did your
family I began by asking what did your mom do for fun it’s an awesome question
mom do for fun it’s an awesome question
mom do for fun it’s an awesome question the family however looked at one another
the family however looked at one another
the family however looked at one another awkwardly so sensing their reticence I
awkwardly so sensing their reticence I
awkwardly so sensing their reticence I probed further and I said so what did
probed further and I said so what did
probed further and I said so what did your mom and joy what were her hobbies
your mom and joy what were her hobbies
your mom and joy what were her hobbies what were her interests what was her
what were her interests what was her
what were her interests what was her favorite thing in life at this point her
favorite thing in life at this point her
favorite thing in life at this point her son cleared his throat and spoke words
son cleared his throat and spoke words
son cleared his throat and spoke words that sent a shiver down my spine mum he
that sent a shiver down my spine mum he
that sent a shiver down my spine mum he said didn’t really enjoy anything and
said didn’t really enjoy anything and
said didn’t really enjoy anything and just before she died she told me that
just before she died she told me that
just before she died she told me that she felt she’d wasted her life the pain
she felt she’d wasted her life the pain
she felt she’d wasted her life the pain in that room was not that Debbie had
in that room was not that Debbie had
in that room was not that Debbie had only lived for 52 years but that she’d
only lived for 52 years but that she’d
only lived for 52 years but that she’d never been alive for any of them the
never been alive for any of them the
never been alive for any of them the following day as we lured Debbie to her
following day as we lured Debbie to her
following day as we lured Debbie to her final resting place I was haunted by the
final resting place I was haunted by the
final resting place I was haunted by the words of Henry David Thoreau most men
words of Henry David Thoreau most men
words of Henry David Thoreau most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go
lead lives of quiet desperation and go
lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them
to the grave with the song still in them
to the grave with the song still in them I went to bed that night depressed
I went to bed that night depressed
I went to bed that night depressed I thought about time I thought about how
I thought about time I thought about how
I thought about time I thought about how I spend it I thought about how much of
I spend it I thought about how much of
I spend it I thought about how much of it had been stolen from me over the
it had been stolen from me over the
it had been stolen from me over the years by other people by silly things by
years by other people by silly things by
years by other people by silly things by stupid worries and I wondered how much
stupid worries and I wondered how much
stupid worries and I wondered how much of it I might have left then the next
of it I might have left then the next
of it I might have left then the next morning my alarm went off at 6 a.m.
morning my alarm went off at 6 a.m.
morning my alarm went off at 6 a.m. and I found myself seeing I’m not dead I
and I found myself seeing I’m not dead I
and I found myself seeing I’m not dead I have no idea where the thought came from
have no idea where the thought came from
have no idea where the thought came from but for the rest of that day I felt
but for the rest of that day I felt
but for the rest of that day I felt happier and more alive than I had in
happier and more alive than I had in
happier and more alive than I had in years so I did an experiment every
years so I did an experiment every
years so I did an experiment every morning I was going to greet my alarm
morning I was going to greet my alarm
morning I was going to greet my alarm with this declaration of life
with this declaration of life
with this declaration of life the instant I woke I was going to say
the instant I woke I was going to say
the instant I woke I was going to say out loud I’m not dead I’m not dead after
out loud I’m not dead I’m not dead after
out loud I’m not dead I’m not dead after doing this for about a week of the
doing this for about a week of the
doing this for about a week of the annoying noise of my alarm became the
annoying noise of my alarm became the
annoying noise of my alarm became the sound of something beautiful where I
sound of something beautiful where I
sound of something beautiful where I used to hear it and groan now I hear it
used to hear it and groan now I hear it
used to hear it and groan now I hear it and I’m instantly reminded that today is
and I’m instantly reminded that today is
and I’m instantly reminded that today is precious and that I have no right to
precious and that I have no right to
precious and that I have no right to waste it because one day I will be dead
waste it because one day I will be dead
waste it because one day I will be dead and so I discovered that deliberately
and so I discovered that deliberately
and so I discovered that deliberately thinking about my own death gave me
thinking about my own death gave me
thinking about my own death gave me permission to live it lifted me out of
permission to live it lifted me out of
permission to live it lifted me out of the boring stuff of life and reminded me
the boring stuff of life and reminded me
the boring stuff of life and reminded me that life can never be boring
that life can never be boring
that life can never be boring those who have been diagnosed with
those who have been diagnosed with
those who have been diagnosed with cancer understand this point all too
cancer understand this point all too
cancer understand this point all too well suddenly it hits you life is
well suddenly it hits you life is
well suddenly it hits you life is amazing and that no day should ever go
amazing and that no day should ever go
amazing and that no day should ever go unlived no moment should ever go
unlived no moment should ever go
unlived no moment should ever go unappreciated in ancient Rome generals
unappreciated in ancient Rome generals
unappreciated in ancient Rome generals who were victorious in battle would be
who were victorious in battle would be
who were victorious in battle would be awarded a parade and as they rode down
awarded a parade and as they rode down
awarded a parade and as they rode down the street and their chariot enjoying
the street and their chariot enjoying
the street and their chariot enjoying the admiration of the screaming crowds a
the admiration of the screaming crowds a
the admiration of the screaming crowds a servant would stand behind them
servant would stand behind them
servant would stand behind them whispering the Latin phrase memento mori
whispering the Latin phrase memento mori
whispering the Latin phrase memento mori over and over again they would see this
over and over again they would see this
over and over again they would see this memento mori remember that you have to
memento mori remember that you have to
memento mori remember that you have to die in other words if you will allow the
die in other words if you will allow the
die in other words if you will allow the awareness of death to seep into life you
awareness of death to seep into life you
awareness of death to seep into life you will be fully alive in this moment and
will be fully alive in this moment and
will be fully alive in this moment and will therefore enjoy this moment all the
will therefore enjoy this moment all the
will therefore enjoy this moment all the more then in later Europe the concept of
more then in later Europe the concept of
more then in later Europe the concept of memento mori became a key part of art
memento mori became a key part of art
memento mori became a key part of art and architecture this is why when you
and architecture this is why when you
and architecture this is why when you visit an old church hiding somewhere
visit an old church hiding somewhere
visit an old church hiding somewhere among the angels and the crucifixes
among the angels and the crucifixes
among the angels and the crucifixes there’s all
there’s all
there’s all his skulls and skeletons the most famous
his skulls and skeletons the most famous
his skulls and skeletons the most famous example of this is the capela dos esos
example of this is the capela dos esos
example of this is the capela dos esos the Chapel of the bones in Portugal
the Chapel of the bones in Portugal
the Chapel of the bones in Portugal which as the name suggests is a church
which as the name suggests is a church
which as the name suggests is a church constructed entirely from human remains
constructed entirely from human remains
constructed entirely from human remains at the entrance to this odd place of
at the entrance to this odd place of
at the entrance to this odd place of worship there’s a sign which says we
worship there’s a sign which says we
worship there’s a sign which says we bones lying here beer a wheat yours unto
bones lying here beer a wheat yours unto
bones lying here beer a wheat yours unto us this is unacceptably creepy but to
us this is unacceptably creepy but to
us this is unacceptably creepy but to our forebearers it was just a visual
our forebearers it was just a visual
our forebearers it was just a visual reminder that they were dying daily and
reminder that they were dying daily and
reminder that they were dying daily and should therefore remember to live fully
should therefore remember to live fully
should therefore remember to live fully so not long after I started my own
so not long after I started my own
so not long after I started my own memento mori project I expanded it to
memento mori project I expanded it to
memento mori project I expanded it to little things throughout the day so for
little things throughout the day so for
little things throughout the day so for example every time I have a cup of
example every time I have a cup of
example every time I have a cup of coffee I pause for a moment
coffee I pause for a moment
coffee I pause for a moment hold it in my hands inhale deeply and
hold it in my hands inhale deeply and
hold it in my hands inhale deeply and say to myself when I’m dead I can’t
say to myself when I’m dead I can’t
say to myself when I’m dead I can’t drink coffee
drink coffee
drink coffee and I swear I’ve not had a bad cup sense
bringing thoughts of death to something
bringing thoughts of death to something as ordinary as coffee has increased the
as ordinary as coffee has increased the
as ordinary as coffee has increased the enjoyment a hundredfold it has unlocked
enjoyment a hundredfold it has unlocked
enjoyment a hundredfold it has unlocked pleasures and complexities that were
pleasures and complexities that were
pleasures and complexities that were previously lost on me so recently I took
previously lost on me so recently I took
previously lost on me so recently I took all this strangeness to its logical
all this strangeness to its logical
all this strangeness to its logical conclusion and I bought myself a grave
conclusion and I bought myself a grave
conclusion and I bought myself a grave and I visit so at the end of a difficult
and I visit so at the end of a difficult
and I visit so at the end of a difficult stressful day I’ll go stand over my own
stressful day I’ll go stand over my own
stressful day I’ll go stand over my own grave and I’ll realize today wasn’t so
grave and I’ll realize today wasn’t so
grave and I’ll realize today wasn’t so bad after all
sometimes when I have a difficult
sometimes when I have a difficult decision to make
decision to make
decision to make I’ll stand over my own grave and I’ll
I’ll stand over my own grave and I’ll
I’ll stand over my own grave and I’ll ask myself the question do I really want
ask myself the question do I really want
ask myself the question do I really want to spend my time on this project do I
to spend my time on this project do I
to spend my time on this project do I really want to give my life to this
really want to give my life to this
really want to give my life to this career to this employer do I really want
career to this employer do I really want
career to this employer do I really want to be in this relationship and there’s
to be in this relationship and there’s
to be in this relationship and there’s something about standing over your own
something about standing over your own
something about standing over your own grave that makes the answer to these
grave that makes the answer to these
grave that makes the answer to these questions crystal clear when you think
questions crystal clear when you think
questions crystal clear when you think about it logically death is the only
about it logically death is the only
about it logically death is the only thing that we know for certain and if
thing that we know for certain and if
thing that we know for certain and if we’re going to live authentic lives of
we’re going to live authentic lives of
we’re going to live authentic lives of our own choosing
our own choosing
our own choosing it’s essential that we project our
it’s essential that we project our
it’s essential that we project our choices upon the inevitability of dying
not long ago a friend was telling me
not long ago a friend was telling me about her five-year plan which was four
about her five-year plan which was four
about her five-year plan which was four things each of which had to do with
things each of which had to do with
things each of which had to do with money so she said very confidently in
money so she said very confidently in
money so she said very confidently in the next five years I’m going to pay off
the next five years I’m going to pay off
the next five years I’m going to pay off my mortgage double my business buy a
my mortgage double my business buy a
my mortgage double my business buy a cottage and put two hundred and fifty
cottage and put two hundred and fifty
cottage and put two hundred and fifty thousand dollars into my pension but
thousand dollars into my pension but
thousand dollars into my pension but because I just come from taking the
because I just come from taking the
because I just come from taking the funeral of a successful lawyer
funeral of a successful lawyer
funeral of a successful lawyer I felt equally confident in saying those
I felt equally confident in saying those
I felt equally confident in saying those are the wrong goals Susan died in her
are the wrong goals Susan died in her
are the wrong goals Susan died in her early sixties and whatever prizes there
early sixties and whatever prizes there
early sixties and whatever prizes there are to be won in this life she’d won all
are to be won in this life she’d won all
are to be won in this life she’d won all of them after a career in corporate law
of them after a career in corporate law
of them after a career in corporate law she had all the trappings and comforts
she had all the trappings and comforts
she had all the trappings and comforts that you might expect so when I met with
that you might expect so when I met with
that you might expect so when I met with her children to arrange her funeral I
her children to arrange her funeral I
her children to arrange her funeral I asked them to share with me their most
asked them to share with me their most
asked them to share with me their most important memory of their mother without
important memory of their mother without
important memory of their mother without a moment’s hesitation they said Friday
a moment’s hesitation they said Friday
a moment’s hesitation they said Friday nights every Friday mom would leave work
nights every Friday mom would leave work
nights every Friday mom would leave work early pick us up from school and
early pick us up from school and
early pick us up from school and together as a family we’d bake cookies
together as a family we’d bake cookies
together as a family we’d bake cookies cookies this is what they gave me to
cookies this is what they gave me to
cookies this is what they gave me to work with so here I was talking with
work with so here I was talking with
work with so here I was talking with grown adults each of whom were highly
grown adults each of whom were highly
grown adults each of whom were highly successful individuals in their own
successful individuals in their own
successful individuals in their own right about their mother’s stellar
right about their mother’s stellar
right about their mother’s stellar career and the first thing that comes to
career and the first thing that comes to
career and the first thing that comes to their mind is a decade’s old smell
their mind is a decade’s old smell
their mind is a decade’s old smell wafting out of the oven
wafting out of the oven
wafting out of the oven no mention of the law practice no
no mention of the law practice no
no mention of the law practice no mention of the million dollar homes or
mention of the million dollar homes or
mention of the million dollar homes or of the luxury shopping trips to Paris
of the luxury shopping trips to Paris
of the luxury shopping trips to Paris just a smell that stayed in their
just a smell that stayed in their
just a smell that stayed in their nostrils their entire adult life I have
nostrils their entire adult life I have
nostrils their entire adult life I have stood over a thousand graves
stood over a thousand graves
stood over a thousand graves I have watched hundreds of fathers and
I have watched hundreds of fathers and
I have watched hundreds of fathers and mothers daughters and sons being lured
mothers daughters and sons being lured
mothers daughters and sons being lured to their final resting place
to their final resting place
to their final resting place and I’ve noticed that there is a
and I’ve noticed that there is a
and I’ve noticed that there is a discrepancy between the goals that we
discrepancy between the goals that we
discrepancy between the goals that we set for ourselves in life
set for ourselves in life
set for ourselves in life and the things that our loved ones
and the things that our loved ones
and the things that our loved ones remember of us in death we spend our
remember of us in death we spend our
remember of us in death we spend our lives desperately climbing a ladder
lives desperately climbing a ladder
lives desperately climbing a ladder towards some arbitrary goal but rarely
towards some arbitrary goal but rarely
towards some arbitrary goal but rarely do we ask whether it’s leaning against
do we ask whether it’s leaning against
do we ask whether it’s leaning against the right wall but thinking about our
the right wall but thinking about our
the right wall but thinking about our own death cures us of this instantly it
own death cures us of this instantly it
own death cures us of this instantly it reveals the superficiality of life for
reveals the superficiality of life for
reveals the superficiality of life for what it is and the more we allow death
what it is and the more we allow death
what it is and the more we allow death to seep into life the more precious life
to seep into life the more precious life
to seep into life the more precious life becomes and the less likely we are to
becomes and the less likely we are to
becomes and the less likely we are to waste it on distractions death is
waste it on distractions death is
waste it on distractions death is awesome for this it clarifies literally
awesome for this it clarifies literally
awesome for this it clarifies literally everything so just for a moment imagine
everything so just for a moment imagine
everything so just for a moment imagine the worst with me and fast forward to
the worst with me and fast forward to
the worst with me and fast forward to the day of your own death a number of
the day of your own death a number of
the day of your own death a number of your remaining heartbeats can now be
your remaining heartbeats can now be
your remaining heartbeats can now be counted in the low thousands your
counted in the low thousands your
counted in the low thousands your breathing is labored and difficult your
breathing is labored and difficult your
breathing is labored and difficult your eyes are strained wide open knowing that
eyes are strained wide open knowing that
eyes are strained wide open knowing that soon they must close forever here you
soon they must close forever here you
soon they must close forever here you are at journey’s end completes this this
are at journey’s end completes this this
are at journey’s end completes this this sentence I wish that I had done
I’m lucky I get to have a front-row seat
I’m lucky I get to have a front-row seat on people’s final regrets and to me
on people’s final regrets and to me
on people’s final regrets and to me surprise you to know that in the vast
surprise you to know that in the vast
surprise you to know that in the vast majority of cases people regret the
majority of cases people regret the
majority of cases people regret the things that they did not do for sure
things that they did not do for sure
things that they did not do for sure some people regret the stuff they did
some people regret the stuff they did
some people regret the stuff they did but like 90% of the time it’s always the
but like 90% of the time it’s always the
but like 90% of the time it’s always the stuff they didn’t do the risks they
stuff they didn’t do the risks they
stuff they didn’t do the risks they didn’t take the opportunities they
didn’t take the opportunities they
didn’t take the opportunities they didn’t grasp the experiences they didn’t
didn’t grasp the experiences they didn’t
didn’t grasp the experiences they didn’t get to have just before I came here I
get to have just before I came here I
get to have just before I came here I got to spend time with a brave beautiful
got to spend time with a brave beautiful
got to spend time with a brave beautiful woman who was upset at her journey’s end
woman who was upset at her journey’s end
woman who was upset at her journey’s end because she had a huge expensive home
because she had a huge expensive home
because she had a huge expensive home packed full of exquisite things but now
packed full of exquisite things but now
packed full of exquisite things but now meant absolutely nothing to her
meant absolutely nothing to her
meant absolutely nothing to her but she never got around to traveling
but she never got around to traveling
but she never got around to traveling around India and she always wanted to
the more we think about death the
the more we think about death the greater our chance will be of reaching
greater our chance will be of reaching
greater our chance will be of reaching it having lived as deeply and as fully
it having lived as deeply and as fully
it having lived as deeply and as fully as possible since I’ve started thinking
as possible since I’ve started thinking
as possible since I’ve started thinking about my own death I’ve become more
about my own death I’ve become more
about my own death I’ve become more focused I’ve discovered more energy I’m
focused I’ve discovered more energy I’m
focused I’ve discovered more energy I’m happier and ironically more positive
happier and ironically more positive
happier and ironically more positive than I’ve ever been
than I’ve ever been
than I’ve ever been death reminds me that one day I won’t be
death reminds me that one day I won’t be
death reminds me that one day I won’t be here and so while I am here I’m going to
here and so while I am here I’m going to
here and so while I am here I’m going to enjoy it for us all there will come a
enjoy it for us all there will come a
enjoy it for us all there will come a day when the pleasures and the
day when the pleasures and the
day when the pleasures and the possibilities of life and love and
possibilities of life and love and
possibilities of life and love and friendship and parenthood and of risking
friendship and parenthood and of risking
friendship and parenthood and of risking and of creating leave us forever but for
and of creating leave us forever but for
and of creating leave us forever but for us that day is not today today we live
us that day is not today today we live
us that day is not today today we live and we live best by remembering that we
and we live best by remembering that we
and we live best by remembering that we have to die I thank you
have to die I thank you
have to die I thank you [Applause]
”
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