We All Have An F-ing Problem | Folashade Butler | TEDxDavenport

[Music]

[Music] we all are a set of buttons just waiting

we all are a set of buttons just waiting

we all are a set of buttons just waiting to be pushed work issues relationship

to be pushed work issues relationship

to be pushed work issues relationship issues financial issues especially

issues financial issues especially

issues financial issues especially Sallie Mae day in day out we are met

Sallie Mae day in day out we are met

Sallie Mae day in day out we are met with people personalities and

with people personalities and

with people personalities and perspectives that seem to be put on this

perspectives that seem to be put on this

perspectives that seem to be put on this planet just to push our buttons yet we

planet just to push our buttons yet we

planet just to push our buttons yet we move from one situation to the next

move from one situation to the next

move from one situation to the next without experiencing total healing and

without experiencing total healing and

without experiencing total healing and we unrealistically expect that the

we unrealistically expect that the

we unrealistically expect that the difficult situations we face will not

difficult situations we face will not

difficult situations we face will not have an impact on how we behave or how

have an impact on how we behave or how

have an impact on how we behave or how we engage with others as a level

we engage with others as a level

we engage with others as a level relationship professional I come across

relationship professional I come across

relationship professional I come across many different problems that seem to

many different problems that seem to

many different problems that seem to stem from buttons being pushed if you

stem from buttons being pushed if you

stem from buttons being pushed if you will so with careful thought and

will so with careful thought and

will so with careful thought and consideration I’ve come to this

consideration I’ve come to this

consideration I’ve come to this conclusion

we all have an effing problem now let me

we all have an effing problem now let me clean it up a little bit for you and for

clean it up a little bit for you and for

clean it up a little bit for you and for my mother who will eventually see this

my mother who will eventually see this

my mother who will eventually see this on YouTube at the core of many of the

on YouTube at the core of many of the

on YouTube at the core of many of the challenges we face as individuals

challenges we face as individuals

challenges we face as individuals communities and even as a society is a

communities and even as a society is a

communities and even as a society is a struggle with forgiveness this is not

struggle with forgiveness this is not

struggle with forgiveness this is not the typical connection most people make

the typical connection most people make

the typical connection most people make but what happens is when we engage in a

but what happens is when we engage in a

but what happens is when we engage in a situation we are met with a decision do

situation we are met with a decision do

situation we are met with a decision do we get mad and stay mad do we let it go

we get mad and stay mad do we let it go

we get mad and stay mad do we let it go and move on is it really that serious is

and move on is it really that serious is

and move on is it really that serious is it really worth it or is it not

forgiveness is one of those relationship

forgiveness is one of those relationship principles that is highly underrated and

principles that is highly underrated and

principles that is highly underrated and probably the least understood but the

probably the least understood but the

probably the least understood but the most required for relationship success

most required for relationship success

most required for relationship success growing up many of us probably learned

growing up many of us probably learned

growing up many of us probably learned about forgiveness through the religious

about forgiveness through the religious

about forgiveness through the religious institutions to which we belonged or

institutions to which we belonged or

institutions to which we belonged or through the example of a notable

through the example of a notable

through the example of a notable peacemaker like Gandhi or

peacemaker like Gandhi or

peacemaker like Gandhi or Theresa or even dr. Martin Luther King

Theresa or even dr. Martin Luther King

Theresa or even dr. Martin Luther King jr. who by the way seemed to make

jr. who by the way seemed to make

jr. who by the way seemed to make forgiveness look super easy and even now

forgiveness look super easy and even now

forgiveness look super easy and even now many of us think that forgiveness is a

many of us think that forgiveness is a

many of us think that forgiveness is a response reserved only for the most

response reserved only for the most

response reserved only for the most egregiously selfish acts such as

egregiously selfish acts such as

egregiously selfish acts such as cheating or abuse in a relationship or

cheating or abuse in a relationship or

cheating or abuse in a relationship or that it’s something that God requires of

that it’s something that God requires of

that it’s something that God requires of us in order to gain entry into heaven

us in order to gain entry into heaven

us in order to gain entry into heaven but what if it were more than that

but what if it were more than that

but what if it were more than that what if forgiveness was a so I deal

what if forgiveness was a so I deal

what if forgiveness was a so I deal behind which all relationship success

behind which all relationship success

behind which all relationship success lies what if the key to success in any

lies what if the key to success in any

lies what if the key to success in any relationship personal or professional

relationship personal or professional

relationship personal or professional was rooted in your ability to forgive

was rooted in your ability to forgive

was rooted in your ability to forgive now if I asked you to scan your memory

now if I asked you to scan your memory

now if I asked you to scan your memory and think about situations where you’ve

and think about situations where you’ve

and think about situations where you’ve had to exercise forgiveness I’m sure you

had to exercise forgiveness I’m sure you

had to exercise forgiveness I’m sure you can come up with a few think about one

can come up with a few think about one

can come up with a few think about one of those situations right now and how

of those situations right now and how

of those situations right now and how you responded now think about the

you responded now think about the

you responded now think about the outcome of that situation and if

outcome of that situation and if

outcome of that situation and if forgiveness played a role in it see

forgiveness played a role in it see

forgiveness played a role in it see there are varying levels of offenses

there are varying levels of offenses

there are varying levels of offenses which means they’re going to be varying

which means they’re going to be varying

which means they’re going to be varying degrees of forgiveness and those varying

degrees of forgiveness and those varying

degrees of forgiveness and those varying degrees of forgiveness all have

degrees of forgiveness all have

degrees of forgiveness all have individual communal and societal

individual communal and societal

individual communal and societal implications because the way you respond

implications because the way you respond

implications because the way you respond to something can have a residual effect

to something can have a residual effect

to something can have a residual effect from one person to the next for example

from one person to the next for example

from one person to the next for example a boy growing up in an inner city has

a boy growing up in an inner city has

a boy growing up in an inner city has all the makings of a bright future but

all the makings of a bright future but

all the makings of a bright future but his reality is completely shaken when he

his reality is completely shaken when he

his reality is completely shaken when he finds out that his father has been

finds out that his father has been

finds out that his father has been murdered and not by some random act of

murdered and not by some random act of

murdered and not by some random act of violence but by a family member a family

violence but by a family member a family

violence but by a family member a family member he’s supposed to trust and

member he’s supposed to trust and

member he’s supposed to trust and believe and lean on especially in tragic

believe and lean on especially in tragic

believe and lean on especially in tragic times like this so this boy grows up

times like this so this boy grows up

times like this so this boy grows up with resentment and anger in his heart

with resentment and anger in his heart

with resentment and anger in his heart and one goal on his mind vengeance and

and one goal on his mind vengeance and

and one goal on his mind vengeance and though he’s able to successfully

though he’s able to successfully

though he’s able to successfully graduate from MIT and go on to become a

graduate from MIT and go on to become a

graduate from MIT and go on to become a special ops officer in the US military

special ops officer in the US military

special ops officer in the US military there’s no doubt that

there’s no doubt that

there’s no doubt that what he had experienced left crucial

what he had experienced left crucial

what he had experienced left crucial imprints in his life in his

imprints in his life in his

imprints in his life in his relationships and ultimately on his

relationships and ultimately on his

relationships and ultimately on his perception of the world so with a deep

perception of the world so with a deep

perception of the world so with a deep desire for revenge

desire for revenge

desire for revenge and this lack of forgiveness he becomes

and this lack of forgiveness he becomes

and this lack of forgiveness he becomes a killing machine one who commemorates

a killing machine one who commemorates

a killing machine one who commemorates each kill with the self-inflicted scar

each kill with the self-inflicted scar

each kill with the self-inflicted scar one who even kills his own girlfriend

one who even kills his own girlfriend

one who even kills his own girlfriend just to get one step closer to avenging

just to get one step closer to avenging

just to get one step closer to avenging his father’s death one who disrupts the

his father’s death one who disrupts the

his father’s death one who disrupts the peace and isolation of the community of

peace and isolation of the community of

peace and isolation of the community of people who quite literally left him

people who quite literally left him

people who quite literally left him behind he turns into a killing machine

behind he turns into a killing machine

behind he turns into a killing machine leaving him with no real sense of

leaving him with no real sense of

leaving him with no real sense of remorse or redemption or forgiveness

remorse or redemption or forgiveness

remorse or redemption or forgiveness though it’s not the obvious reason his

though it’s not the obvious reason his

though it’s not the obvious reason his lack of forgiveness is what drives him

lack of forgiveness is what drives him

lack of forgiveness is what drives him to making these life-changing and deadly

to making these life-changing and deadly

to making these life-changing and deadly decisions now I know that story seems

decisions now I know that story seems

decisions now I know that story seems rather drastic and it is but it’s the

rather drastic and it is but it’s the

rather drastic and it is but it’s the accounts of the villain in the Black

accounts of the villain in the Black

accounts of the villain in the Black Panther movie unfortunately that story

Panther movie unfortunately that story

Panther movie unfortunately that story is not unheard of though in our society

is not unheard of though in our society

is not unheard of though in our society we’ve seen places in our society where a

we’ve seen places in our society where a

we’ve seen places in our society where a wounded boy turns into a ruthless killer

wounded boy turns into a ruthless killer

wounded boy turns into a ruthless killer and transforms the lives of individuals

and transforms the lives of individuals

and transforms the lives of individuals our communities and even as our society

our communities and even as our society

our communities and even as our society as a whole and though forgiveness would

as a whole and though forgiveness would

as a whole and though forgiveness would not have changed the past it could have

not have changed the past it could have

not have changed the past it could have easily influenced the future when we

easily influenced the future when we

easily influenced the future when we have situations like that that happen

have situations like that that happen

have situations like that that happen this in essence is our struggle with

this in essence is our struggle with

this in essence is our struggle with forgiveness this in essence is our

forgiveness this in essence is our

forgiveness this in essence is our effing problem when we operate from a

effing problem when we operate from a

effing problem when we operate from a place of hurt it’s difficult to heal and

place of hurt it’s difficult to heal and

place of hurt it’s difficult to heal and it definitely is difficult to forgive

it definitely is difficult to forgive

it definitely is difficult to forgive thus the cycle continues because her

thus the cycle continues because her

thus the cycle continues because her people

people

people hurt people and in this example and even

hurt people and in this example and even

hurt people and in this example and even in our own lives as I stated before the

in our own lives as I stated before the

in our own lives as I stated before the past would be the past but forgiving can

past would be the past but forgiving can

past would be the past but forgiving can influence the future now I know what

influence the future now I know what

influence the future now I know what you’re thinking how can you possibly

you’re thinking how can you possibly

you’re thinking how can you possibly forgive every single thing that happens

forgive every single thing that happens

forgive every single thing that happens to you or maybe you’re thinking some

to you or maybe you’re thinking some

to you or maybe you’re thinking some things are just unforgivable and truly I

things are just unforgivable and truly I

things are just unforgivable and truly I understand why you would think that I

understand why you would think that I

understand why you would think that I too have struggled with forgiveness in

too have struggled with forgiveness in

too have struggled with forgiveness in my relationships in my marriage and my

my relationships in my marriage and my

my relationships in my marriage and my friendships and my family so let me

friendships and my family so let me

friendships and my family so let me offer this forgiveness is the remedy to

offer this forgiveness is the remedy to

offer this forgiveness is the remedy to a wounded soul

a wounded soul

a wounded soul it’s a journey not a moment in time and

it’s a journey not a moment in time and

it’s a journey not a moment in time and because all offenses are not created

because all offenses are not created

because all offenses are not created equally some will take longer to forgive

equally some will take longer to forgive

equally some will take longer to forgive and others won’t even merit your time or

and others won’t even merit your time or

and others won’t even merit your time or attention the story of the wounded boy

attention the story of the wounded boy

attention the story of the wounded boy turned killer is not unusual in our

turned killer is not unusual in our

turned killer is not unusual in our society but imagine how different things

society but imagine how different things

society but imagine how different things could have been had he chosen

could have been had he chosen

could have been had he chosen forgiveness well we wouldn’t have that

forgiveness well we wouldn’t have that

forgiveness well we wouldn’t have that epic movie but that’s not my point it’s

epic movie but that’s not my point it’s

epic movie but that’s not my point it’s not my point that’s that’s not my point

not my point that’s that’s not my point

not my point that’s that’s not my point but seriously think about how different

but seriously think about how different

but seriously think about how different things could have been in your life had

things could have been in your life had

things could have been in your life had you chosen forgiveness what I know for

you chosen forgiveness what I know for

you chosen forgiveness what I know for sure is this forgiveness is a principle

sure is this forgiveness is a principle

sure is this forgiveness is a principle that will take us on a journey and we

that will take us on a journey and we

that will take us on a journey and we have to choose it every single time and

have to choose it every single time and

have to choose it every single time and in that journey it may not be an easy

in that journey it may not be an easy

in that journey it may not be an easy one for us it may not be something that

one for us it may not be something that

one for us it may not be something that is natural for us but you can learn and

is natural for us but you can learn and

is natural for us but you can learn and even in my walk even in working with

even in my walk even in working with

even in my walk even in working with clients and especially in that story

clients and especially in that story

clients and especially in that story that I told are things that you can pick

that I told are things that you can pick

that I told are things that you can pick up that will lead you down that path to

up that will lead you down that path to

up that will lead you down that path to learning forgiveness and creating a

learning forgiveness and creating a

learning forgiveness and creating a liberation that only you are responsible

liberation that only you are responsible

liberation that only you are responsible for so here are five steps to get you

for so here are five steps to get you

for so here are five steps to get you there first you want to recognize

there first you want to recognize

there first you want to recognize you have to recognize what it is that

you have to recognize what it is that

you have to recognize what it is that you’re feeling whether it’s hurt pain

you’re feeling whether it’s hurt pain

you’re feeling whether it’s hurt pain disappointment and unforgiveness then

disappointment and unforgiveness then

disappointment and unforgiveness then you want to resolve make a decision that

you want to resolve make a decision that

you want to resolve make a decision that you will not let whatever is pained you

you will not let whatever is pained you

you will not let whatever is pained you in the past hold you back and dictate

in the past hold you back and dictate

in the past hold you back and dictate your your behaviors third you want to

your your behaviors third you want to

your your behaviors third you want to release you want to release whatever is

release you want to release whatever is

release you want to release whatever is holding you back and create space for

holding you back and create space for

holding you back and create space for the right things now this is the step

the right things now this is the step

the right things now this is the step that may take a little bit more time

that may take a little bit more time

that may take a little bit more time because we confuse forgiving with

because we confuse forgiving with

because we confuse forgiving with forgetting you may actually never forget

forgetting you may actually never forget

forgetting you may actually never forget but that can be a good thing because it

but that can be a good thing because it

but that can be a good thing because it arms you so that you are prepared in the

arms you so that you are prepared in the

arms you so that you are prepared in the case that’s something like it happens

case that’s something like it happens

case that’s something like it happens again if it’s within your control fourth

again if it’s within your control fourth

again if it’s within your control fourth you want to reset you know how computers

you want to reset you know how computers

you want to reset you know how computers cell phones other gadgets have a reset

cell phones other gadgets have a reset

cell phones other gadgets have a reset button it’s there to clear the slate and

button it’s there to clear the slate and

button it’s there to clear the slate and give you a fresh start

give you a fresh start

give you a fresh start we all have an internal reset button

we all have an internal reset button

we all have an internal reset button that does the same exact thing this

that does the same exact thing this

that does the same exact thing this which brings us to our last step okay

which brings us to our last step okay

which brings us to our last step okay it’s not really revenge the fifth step

it’s not really revenge the fifth step

it’s not really revenge the fifth step is reconnect you want to reconnect and

is reconnect you want to reconnect and

is reconnect you want to reconnect and realign with your soul in a way that

realign with your soul in a way that

realign with your soul in a way that gives you permission to be free because

gives you permission to be free because

gives you permission to be free because unforgiveness not forgiving is stifling

unforgiveness not forgiving is stifling

unforgiveness not forgiving is stifling and so what I know for sure is this

and so what I know for sure is this

and so what I know for sure is this forgiveness the opposite of forgiveness

forgiveness the opposite of forgiveness

forgiveness the opposite of forgiveness rather is not revenge the opposite of

rather is not revenge the opposite of

rather is not revenge the opposite of forgiveness is bondage and today we’re

forgiveness is bondage and today we’re

forgiveness is bondage and today we’re talking about what it means to be

talking about what it means to be

talking about what it means to be limitless so you can choose to be

limitless so you can choose to be

limitless so you can choose to be limitless in your practice of

limitless in your practice of

limitless in your practice of forgiveness and show courage when it’s

forgiveness and show courage when it’s

forgiveness and show courage when it’s most difficult or you can choose to be

most difficult or you can choose to be

most difficult or you can choose to be conquered by your past pain and hurt and

conquered by your past pain and hurt and

conquered by your past pain and hurt and if you choose to hold on to those

if you choose to hold on to those

if you choose to hold on to those offenses

offenses

offenses I just want you to know there might be

I just want you to know there might be

I just want you to know there might be someone else somewhere else

someone else somewhere else

someone else somewhere else just waiting to push your buttons thank

just waiting to push your buttons thank

just waiting to push your buttons thank you

you

you [Applause]