Unmasking the Experiences of Black British Women | Nicole Crentsil | TEDxUCLWomen

I’m going to tell you about a story my

I’m going to tell you about a story my story it’s a journey that I went on I

story it’s a journey that I went on I

story it’s a journey that I went on I didn’t know I was actually on till it

didn’t know I was actually on till it

didn’t know I was actually on till it hit me right in the face four years ago

hit me right in the face four years ago

hit me right in the face four years ago I was diagnosed with idiopathic

I was diagnosed with idiopathic

I was diagnosed with idiopathic intracranial hypertension I know it

intracranial hypertension I know it

intracranial hypertension I know it sounds like a mouthful to say and I

sounds like a mouthful to say and I

sounds like a mouthful to say and I actually took it while to rehearse this

actually took it while to rehearse this

actually took it while to rehearse this but I I H is a neurological disorder and

but I I H is a neurological disorder and

but I I H is a neurological disorder and it means that there’s a high pressure in

it means that there’s a high pressure in

it means that there’s a high pressure in my skull

my skull

my skull if the opacity means that the cause of

if the opacity means that the cause of

if the opacity means that the cause of the raised pressure is unknown unknown

the raised pressure is unknown unknown

the raised pressure is unknown unknown now I’m not a doctor so I’m not even

now I’m not a doctor so I’m not even

now I’m not a doctor so I’m not even going to attempt to pronounce this word

going to attempt to pronounce this word

going to attempt to pronounce this word so for now we’re going to call it CSF

so for now we’re going to call it CSF

so for now we’re going to call it CSF CSF is the clear liquidy fluid that

CSF is the clear liquidy fluid that

CSF is the clear liquidy fluid that cushions your brain my body was

cushions your brain my body was

cushions your brain my body was producing way too much CSF and in that

producing way too much CSF and in that

producing way too much CSF and in that moment I found myself in the hospital

moment I found myself in the hospital

moment I found myself in the hospital for days turned weeks turn months I

for days turned weeks turn months I

for days turned weeks turn months I hated it the headaches vomiting stiff

hated it the headaches vomiting stiff

hated it the headaches vomiting stiff neck it felt like someone was constantly

neck it felt like someone was constantly

neck it felt like someone was constantly drilling into my head the pain from iih

drilling into my head the pain from iih

drilling into my head the pain from iih is likened to that of a brain tumor so

is likened to that of a brain tumor so

is likened to that of a brain tumor so the most severe long-term problems is

the most severe long-term problems is

the most severe long-term problems is blindness I specifically remember this

blindness I specifically remember this

blindness I specifically remember this one time and me my mum were in the

one time and me my mum were in the

one time and me my mum were in the hospital and the doctor was saying that

hospital and the doctor was saying that

hospital and the doctor was saying that this disorder was commonly seen in

this disorder was commonly seen in

this disorder was commonly seen in Caucasian overweight middle-aged women

Caucasian overweight middle-aged women

Caucasian overweight middle-aged women so you can only imagine me my mum

so you can only imagine me my mum

so you can only imagine me my mum looking back at each other like

well one way the pressure is actually

well one way the pressure is actually relieved is by a procedure called a

relieved is by a procedure called a

relieved is by a procedure called a lumbar puncture I don’t know if any one

lumbar puncture I don’t know if any one

lumbar puncture I don’t know if any one of you ever had one of these but imagine

of you ever had one of these but imagine

of you ever had one of these but imagine it like a spinal tap

it like a spinal tap

it like a spinal tap the CSF if you remember that big word I

the CSF if you remember that big word I

the CSF if you remember that big word I can’t pronounce runs through your spine

can’t pronounce runs through your spine

can’t pronounce runs through your spine and this procedure involves pushing a

and this procedure involves pushing a

and this procedure involves pushing a very long needle may I say through your

very long needle may I say through your

very long needle may I say through your spinal cord to release the pressure very

spinal cord to release the pressure very

spinal cord to release the pressure very simply like a tap it often felt like it

simply like a tap it often felt like it

simply like a tap it often felt like it would zinging zhuang like someone was

would zinging zhuang like someone was

would zinging zhuang like someone was playing operations on me with no idea as

playing operations on me with no idea as

playing operations on me with no idea as to why I was going through such pain

to why I was going through such pain

to why I was going through such pain such procedures with an disorder that

such procedures with an disorder that

such procedures with an disorder that was unknown I started to blame myself

was unknown I started to blame myself

was unknown I started to blame myself was like that stress from University was

was like that stress from University was

was like that stress from University was i overweight did I go out too much it

i overweight did I go out too much it

i overweight did I go out too much it was my fault it was you Nicole you did

was my fault it was you Nicole you did

was my fault it was you Nicole you did this to yourself

this to yourself

this to yourself in myself blame I began to isolate

in myself blame I began to isolate

in myself blame I began to isolate myself I didn’t want to see anyone speak

myself I didn’t want to see anyone speak

myself I didn’t want to see anyone speak to anyone

to anyone

to anyone I found a dark hole of self-pity and

I found a dark hole of self-pity and

I found a dark hole of self-pity and anguish and you know what it felt like

anguish and you know what it felt like

anguish and you know what it felt like home

home

home within this darkness I continued to

within this darkness I continued to

within this darkness I continued to blame myself and that led to self

blame myself and that led to self

blame myself and that led to self affliction and self affliction led to

affliction and self affliction led to

affliction and self affliction led to self-harm I became anxious of the

self-harm I became anxious of the

self-harm I became anxious of the concept of being ill again or even going

concept of being ill again or even going

concept of being ill again or even going back to hospital I would avoid even the

back to hospital I would avoid even the

back to hospital I would avoid even the most common cold because a headache

most common cold because a headache

most common cold because a headache wasn’t a pick a paracetamol to get

wasn’t a pick a paracetamol to get

wasn’t a pick a paracetamol to get better headache it was ten times

better headache it was ten times

better headache it was ten times stronger it broke me sometimes I

stronger it broke me sometimes I

stronger it broke me sometimes I couldn’t even leave my own house at that

couldn’t even leave my own house at that

couldn’t even leave my own house at that time I had no idea how my physical

time I had no idea how my physical

time I had no idea how my physical health would affect my mental health my

health would affect my mental health my

health would affect my mental health my mental state of mind how I saw myself

mental state of mind how I saw myself

mental state of mind how I saw myself blamed myself and harmed myself how many

blamed myself and harmed myself how many

blamed myself and harmed myself how many of you have like cut yourself shaving

of you have like cut yourself shaving

of you have like cut yourself shaving you know when you’re in a rush

you know when you’re in a rush

you know when you’re in a rush trying to do something there’s foam

trying to do something there’s foam

trying to do something there’s foam everywhere there’s nails everywhere and

everywhere there’s nails everywhere and

everywhere there’s nails everywhere and then BOOM

then BOOM

then BOOM you cut yourself what if that wasn’t a

you cut yourself what if that wasn’t a

you cut yourself what if that wasn’t a mistake

mistake

mistake you cut yourself on purpose through all

you cut yourself on purpose through all

you cut yourself on purpose through all the pain my idiopathic intracranial

the pain my idiopathic intracranial

the pain my idiopathic intracranial hypertension had brought to me I didn’t

hypertension had brought to me I didn’t

hypertension had brought to me I didn’t feel a thing

feel a thing

feel a thing pain became pleasure every time I peeled

pain became pleasure every time I peeled

pain became pleasure every time I peeled away at my skin I would peel away at my

away at my skin I would peel away at my

away at my skin I would peel away at my issues and attempt to resolve them but

issues and attempt to resolve them but

issues and attempt to resolve them but those problems were still there it was

those problems were still there it was

those problems were still there it was one of the worst waves to solve the

one of the worst waves to solve the

one of the worst waves to solve the issue that I was going through it led to

issue that I was going through it led to

issue that I was going through it led to feeling ashamed I would wear long sleeve

feeling ashamed I would wear long sleeve

feeling ashamed I would wear long sleeve clothes and turtlenecks to hide my scars

clothes and turtlenecks to hide my scars

clothes and turtlenecks to hide my scars I was scared I was and most of all I was

I was scared I was and most of all I was

I was scared I was and most of all I was disgusted with myself too embarrassed to

disgusted with myself too embarrassed to

disgusted with myself too embarrassed to tell my friends and family I found

tell my friends and family I found

tell my friends and family I found comfort in the company of strangers

comfort in the company of strangers

comfort in the company of strangers speaking to other young black women

speaking to other young black women

speaking to other young black women became my six these conversations became

became my six these conversations became

became my six these conversations became the catalyst of everything I was about

the catalyst of everything I was about

the catalyst of everything I was about to do next

to do next

to do next within these conversations I began to

within these conversations I began to

within these conversations I began to unpack the black bridges experience to

unpack the black bridges experience to

unpack the black bridges experience to understand how its considered within our

understand how its considered within our

understand how its considered within our community a long-standing stigma of

community a long-standing stigma of

community a long-standing stigma of mental health comes from a deep-rooted

mental health comes from a deep-rooted

mental health comes from a deep-rooted cultural understanding of our mentality

cultural understanding of our mentality

cultural understanding of our mentality where I come from if you have a mental

where I come from if you have a mental

where I come from if you have a mental health issue it means you’ve got an evil

health issue it means you’ve got an evil

health issue it means you’ve got an evil evil evil spirit inside of you so many

evil evil spirit inside of you so many

evil evil spirit inside of you so many the expectation of being strong is a

the expectation of being strong is a

the expectation of being strong is a burden too strong for us to carry

burden too strong for us to carry

burden too strong for us to carry everyone expects me to be strong all the

everyone expects me to be strong all the

everyone expects me to be strong all the time I’m tired and I’m weak

in the UK black Caribbean and black

in the UK black Caribbean and black African 16 to 64 years of age are twice

African 16 to 64 years of age are twice

African 16 to 64 years of age are twice as likely to be diagnosed with a

as likely to be diagnosed with a

as likely to be diagnosed with a business psychotic disorder compared to

business psychotic disorder compared to

business psychotic disorder compared to white adults twice as likely so when

white adults twice as likely so when

white adults twice as likely so when this troubling statistic combined with

this troubling statistic combined with

this troubling statistic combined with the conversations being had I set out to

the conversations being had I set out to

the conversations being had I set out to unmask the truths about our mental

unmask the truths about our mental

unmask the truths about our mental health to further unpack the black

health to further unpack the black

health to further unpack the black British experience I found similarities

British experience I found similarities

British experience I found similarities and the conversations I was having this

and the conversations I was having this

and the conversations I was having this project became a very personal project a

project became a very personal project a

project became a very personal project a journey connected to me this project is

journey connected to me this project is

journey connected to me this project is me unmask women is an exhibition

me unmask women is an exhibition

me unmask women is an exhibition channeling the black British female

channeling the black British female

channeling the black British female experience focusing on mental health

experience focusing on mental health

experience focusing on mental health other than the very simple fact that I

other than the very simple fact that I

other than the very simple fact that I am a beautiful black woman and this

am a beautiful black woman and this

am a beautiful black woman and this project is spiritually and mentally

project is spiritually and mentally

project is spiritually and mentally connected to me I found that when it

connected to me I found that when it

connected to me I found that when it came to speaking about women

came to speaking about women

came to speaking about women specifically black women our voices were

specifically black women our voices were

specifically black women our voices were not being heard

not being heard

not being heard now racism and sexism cannot be seen as

now racism and sexism cannot be seen as

now racism and sexism cannot be seen as two different entities in very many ways

two different entities in very many ways

two different entities in very many ways they intersect with one another

they intersect with one another

they intersect with one another specifically when you look at black

specifically when you look at black

specifically when you look at black women as a far marginalized group as we

women as a far marginalized group as we

women as a far marginalized group as we are we experience both racism and sexism

are we experience both racism and sexism

are we experience both racism and sexism when we dissect economic masculinity men

when we dissect economic masculinity men

when we dissect economic masculinity men are seen to be strong resilient and

are seen to be strong resilient and

are seen to be strong resilient and invulnerable however it’s really

invulnerable however it’s really

invulnerable however it’s really interesting when we look at black women

interesting when we look at black women

interesting when we look at black women specifically within the black community

specifically within the black community

specifically within the black community we are also seen to be strong resilient

we are also seen to be strong resilient

we are also seen to be strong resilient and invulnerable

I’ve always found that with creativity

I’ve always found that with creativity in art there is no right or wrong it’s

in art there is no right or wrong it’s

in art there is no right or wrong it’s whatever you want it to be we understand

whatever you want it to be we understand

whatever you want it to be we understand art because it makes us feel a certain

art because it makes us feel a certain

art because it makes us feel a certain way either in that moment or later in

way either in that moment or later in

way either in that moment or later in our lives art is subjective in his book

our lives art is subjective in his book

our lives art is subjective in his book titled art British art critic Clive Bell

titled art British art critic Clive Bell

titled art British art critic Clive Bell theorized that the emotion that one

theorized that the emotion that one

theorized that the emotion that one feels when he or she sees of work of art

feels when he or she sees of work of art

feels when he or she sees of work of art is subjective through it to be our it

is subjective through it to be our it

is subjective through it to be our it needs to produce aesthetic emotion for

needs to produce aesthetic emotion for

needs to produce aesthetic emotion for many art is a healing tool a way for

many art is a healing tool a way for

many art is a healing tool a way for cater and look after our psychological

cater and look after our psychological

cater and look after our psychological well-being

well-being

well-being however for black women one way we are

however for black women one way we are

however for black women one way we are voicing our experience is is by

voicing our experience is is by

voicing our experience is is by explaining and exploring our black

explaining and exploring our black

explaining and exploring our black identity through art photographer Adam a

identity through art photographer Adam a

identity through art photographer Adam a Jala explores the notion of the black

Jala explores the notion of the black

Jala explores the notion of the black female identity by looking into the

female identity by looking into the

female identity by looking into the black hair culture her project identity

black hair culture her project identity

black hair culture her project identity is about black hair salons in South

is about black hair salons in South

is about black hair salons in South London the series allows us to celebrate

London the series allows us to celebrate

London the series allows us to celebrate our features which are usually targets

our features which are usually targets

our features which are usually targets for microaggressions you know the

for microaggressions you know the

for microaggressions you know the everyday slurs and insults either

everyday slurs and insults either

everyday slurs and insults either intentional or unintentional that black

intentional or unintentional that black

intentional or unintentional that black women deal with on a daily basis having

women deal with on a daily basis having

women deal with on a daily basis having to suppress these comments in everything

to suppress these comments in everything

to suppress these comments in everything that we do puts a massive strain on our

that we do puts a massive strain on our

that we do puts a massive strain on our well-being this was just one example of

well-being this was just one example of

well-being this was just one example of how the black experience caters to our

how the black experience caters to our

how the black experience caters to our mental well-being to be able to break

mental well-being to be able to break

mental well-being to be able to break down the stigma of mental health created

down the stigma of mental health created

down the stigma of mental health created open conversation and creatively explore

open conversation and creatively explore

open conversation and creatively explore the black experience art plays a pivotal

the black experience art plays a pivotal

the black experience art plays a pivotal role in creating a safe open platform

role in creating a safe open platform

role in creating a safe open platform when we combine something that we don’t

when we combine something that we don’t

when we combine something that we don’t really understand with an art form that

really understand with an art form that

really understand with an art form that we can understand

we can understand

we can understand we unearthed a beautiful dialogue which

we unearthed a beautiful dialogue which

we unearthed a beautiful dialogue which cannot be ignored we must continue to

cannot be ignored we must continue to

cannot be ignored we must continue to push this conversation further create

push this conversation further create

push this conversation further create more art that speaks volumes to our

more art that speaks volumes to our

more art that speaks volumes to our issues very simply do more if my

issues very simply do more if my

issues very simply do more if my personal journey has taught me anything

personal journey has taught me anything

personal journey has taught me anything it’s that my physical health is just as

it’s that my physical health is just as

it’s that my physical health is just as important as my mental health in fact

important as my mental health in fact

important as my mental health in fact how can we even separate the two we need

how can we even separate the two we need

how can we even separate the two we need to normalize how we see mental health so

to normalize how we see mental health so

to normalize how we see mental health so obvious don’t feel scared and ashamed to

obvious don’t feel scared and ashamed to

obvious don’t feel scared and ashamed to come and talk about their issues let’s

come and talk about their issues let’s

come and talk about their issues let’s create a world where it’s okay not to be

create a world where it’s okay not to be

create a world where it’s okay not to be okay hi my name is Nicole krentcil I am

okay hi my name is Nicole krentcil I am

okay hi my name is Nicole krentcil I am NOT okay but that is okay thank you very

NOT okay but that is okay thank you very

NOT okay but that is okay thank you very much

much

much [Applause]

[Applause]

[Applause] you

you

you [Music]