From generation to generation
Often mothers think of inhibitors and say:
“Just wait until you have a teenage daughter,” she said.
They mean that their daughters will face them
The same kind of tragedy that we suffered:
Adalah to give you back what I have given.
But if mothers and girls could avoid falling into the trap of this tragedy.
Experimenting a close and enjoyable relationship?
While I was a child, I thought my mom was a complement.
She was educated, smart and strong.
She had a true style of doing everything,
From bed arrangement to slicing tomatoes.
Then I did not make a mistake but I felt lazy
When she was 11 years old, she passed an awkward moment.
After quickly defeating her in a game of stones, she shouted:
“If you’re very smart, why not get the school’s full marks?”
The result was not a complete mark but a lot of tragedy,
I have cut it off from my teenage life.
Now, quickly passing through to 1996, in a dark room inside a hospital.
I promised my newborn child that I would be different,
By the way, you can cut tomatoes the way you like
Now speed up time
My daughter was 11 years old and in pre-adolescence
I worked as a family therapist for 16 years.
I was an expert on adolescent affairs, when I had a moment of articulation.
I had a plan and did not implement it correctly and I attacked it.
When I looked into her eyes, my heart sank.
I will be the enemy.
Five years later, my daughter was a first year student
In a prestigious school of performing arts.
She was seeking a career in dance,
I am so happy that’s what I wanted for her.
Then I decided to leave the dance because of the pressure added to the knee injuries.
It was not my plan, but this time we came closer to each other as a mother and daughter.
There were no angry words and the door between us remained open.
How did my relationship with her move from being an enemy to becoming an ally?
It started with me.
I realized that I had been observing all day,
I say: “Do you clean your room?
The problem is that the observer is talking to himself
It’s not a relationship.
I took my daughter out of the equation
After I became obsessed with my planner,
I started to pay attention to it.
I realized that I had only seen the top of the iceberg,
And that I have to prepare and create a distance to see what was under the surface,
I see who will be my daughter, and I see her and her pain.
Then I noticed that in essence the most tragedy
There was tension and pressure,
Yes, there are biological reasons for this.
Adolescents are ready to feel suffering
Due to the lack of development of the prefrontal cortex and the dominance of the sclerotic system
But there is something else going on, not biologically but in the ocean,
Which not only affected my teenage daughter,
But affects girls from all over the world.
A study showed that two girls out of five
They are in serious disorder.
Another study showed that one-third of girls were in a state of depression.
what is happening?
more than ever,
Teenagers fall under this tremendous pressure to get to what is right.
Social pressure stimulated by social media
Attacking the self esteem of girls
When they try to keep up with the difficult and competitive adolescent culture,
I saw it in my own clinic.
Young girls who suffer from anxiety attacks are able to concentrate.
(Britney) In recent years,
She gets full marks and she is under great pressure.
Literally without a break.
They attach the adhesive sheets to the bathing place
To be able to wash her hair while studying.
And (Amber) is on the list of the best eight students in her class,
Still, she says to me: “I can not do anything right
My mom has a right way of doing everything and whatever I try, I feel worthless. “
So, do mothers support this pressure?
Yes, they are, and this is a common trap we often fall into.
Mothers feel pressure to have successful girls
Thus we feel that we are good mothers and avoid the feeling that we are trials.
Social pressure forms the definition of a mother’s success,
Shaping its agenda and keeping it under surveillance all the time.
This is not a recipe for success for either the mother or the daughter:
It is a recipe for tragedy, shame and lack of merit,
Because no one can achieve those standards that are perfect,
This is not a success, so there is something wrong here.
With the bias of culture toward productivity and achievement,
No time to rest.
The essential ingredients that bring happiness and meaning to our lives –
Have been devalued and thus neglected
But we can do something about this.
Here are three basic strategies that can be used to alleviate the tragedy.
This is the first.
It is the art of forgotten excursions.
Here, where the mother takes away the hat of the observer,
Her daughter knows that because she does not receive that look,
But receive a smile, which is a signal that the situation is safe to approach.
Going out in a picnic area is stress free
Where the mother leaves her plan aside for at least one hour.
Because there are no expectations that the mother and daughter can feel comfortable,
Here magic happens.
Getting out on picnics creates that welcoming atmosphere
For your daughter to approach you
The second key strategy is positive delusions.
I know it sounds a waste of time, but there are important benefits.
One of them, that way to discharge the pressure,
It brings together mothers and daughters.
Dr. Stewart Brown says that the opposite of playing
Not work but depression,
A lot of teenage girls are depressed.
But can mothers and daughters really play together?
Well, yes they can. But it looks different.
Recently, I was on vacation with my daughter,
I read the play book “Play” by Dr. Stuart Brown,
My daughter looked at me and said:
“My God, did not you read a book about playing?
I can show you how!
Our teenagers can do that.
They will say: “Listen to this song and watch this video about a cat.
Look at this gentle pair of shoes. “
Although it seems quite trivial if you accept this simple invitation,
It opens a door to the heart of your daughter.
Now, the beauty of these positive delusions lies
In that they often lead to the third core strategy,
Which is spontaneous entry
This is when your daughter says: “Mom, beware of what!”
Your job is to listen and be loving
Do not be tired to see those dresses thrown to the ground.
If you remove the observer away, they will reveal their input to you.
This spontaneous entry may last 15 minutes
Before moving on to something else.
But these daily positive experiences are building a bridge for communication
Which may be her lifeline
Let me offer another strategy, which is soothing dialogues.
This is a call for a deeper and closer relationship with your daughter.
Be careful, it’s a dangerous area.
When your daughter comes to you with negative feelings,
The observer inside you wants to say, “Take control!”
But she does not need a lecture from the mother.
It needs all we need,
Which is to be seen and heard and understood,
And to find unconditional love.
Adolescents are immersed in a sea of difficult feelings
Such as shame, remorse and abandonment.
Helping to characterize these feelings is comfortable.
Kindness and understanding can also calm those stormy emotions.
The advice can come later.
Finding a time every day to go out,
Positive personality and spontaneous intervention
And soothing dialogues
Not only reduce the tragedy,
But these opportunities are opening up
You and your daughter.
After I started applying the things I shared with you,
Something remarkable happened in one of the evenings,
When my daughter was in her last year in high school.
She was in the busy spring season and was out with her friends,
Or that’s what I thought.
I was alone at home feeling sad because my daughter would leave soon.
Then, I heard a knock on the door.
She was my daughter and she said, “My mom is arkby in the car!”
I thought: “What now?”
But we set off and the music was loud, to downtown Houston,
She turned to me and said:
“I know you’re my mother, but you’re the best person to ask.
We are somewhat similar, you write a book and give sermons,
But we both want to change the world.
Mom, where do I start? “
I was amazed.
She was watching my life.
This is what effect it has, not my planner.
So this is my hope.
Those articular moments can occur and are likely to happen.
There are no perfect mothers or ideal daughters.
The good news is that it is not too late to fix that relationship.
In my quest to free my daughter from expectations and agendas,
Become free.
What is that freedom?
It is a freedom to love and admire your daughter.
It is freedom from that pressure while striving for perfection.
It is the freedom to play regardless of your age.
It is freedom for both mother and daughter
To find each of them unique definitions of success.
It is a freedom to continue to choose love, not judgment.
You can transform the tragedy into unlimited opportunities
For you and your daughter, now and for future generations.
(clap)
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