on a cold cloudless night in January I drove away from town and toward the
drove away from town and toward the
drove away from town and toward the mountains something in me had come
mountains something in me had come
mountains something in me had come undone and I went in search of a way to
undone and I went in search of a way to
undone and I went in search of a way to mend what felt so broken I didn’t know
mend what felt so broken I didn’t know
mend what felt so broken I didn’t know what I was looking for but the mountains
what I was looking for but the mountains
what I was looking for but the mountains had always been my faithful companions
had always been my faithful companions
had always been my faithful companions silent giants that grounded me and
silent giants that grounded me and
silent giants that grounded me and reminded me of my space in the world I
reminded me of my space in the world I
reminded me of my space in the world I drove in search of myself parking my car
drove in search of myself parking my car
drove in search of myself parking my car high up on a hill overlooking a snowy
high up on a hill overlooking a snowy
high up on a hill overlooking a snowy open field the mountains and circling me
open field the mountains and circling me
open field the mountains and circling me I looked up to the blanket of stars
I looked up to the blanket of stars
I looked up to the blanket of stars stretched out above me they felt so
stretched out above me they felt so
stretched out above me they felt so close and yet unimaginably far away I
close and yet unimaginably far away I
close and yet unimaginably far away I held my gaze on those stars and I begged
held my gaze on those stars and I begged
held my gaze on those stars and I begged please please tell me what to do please
please please tell me what to do please
please please tell me what to do please save me from this life I needed a
save me from this life I needed a
save me from this life I needed a miracle because my life had spun itself
miracle because my life had spun itself
miracle because my life had spun itself into something completely chaotic and
into something completely chaotic and
into something completely chaotic and out of sync I was working as a partner
out of sync I was working as a partner
out of sync I was working as a partner in a law firm for a year at that time I
in a law firm for a year at that time I
in a law firm for a year at that time I spent most of my energy chasing things I
spent most of my energy chasing things I
spent most of my energy chasing things I thought mattered higher billable hours
thought mattered higher billable hours
thought mattered higher billable hours bigger paycheck more responsibilities I
bigger paycheck more responsibilities I
bigger paycheck more responsibilities I was trying to fill the holes in my soul
was trying to fill the holes in my soul
was trying to fill the holes in my soul with busyness and industry and it felt
with busyness and industry and it felt
with busyness and industry and it felt unbearably inauthentic the Paper Chase
unbearably inauthentic the Paper Chase
unbearably inauthentic the Paper Chase had left me distant from my husband and
had left me distant from my husband and
had left me distant from my husband and my children I shed out the things his
my children I shed out the things his
my children I shed out the things his attention pained me reminded me of the
attention pained me reminded me of the
attention pained me reminded me of the ways I wasn’t enough I tried to convince
ways I wasn’t enough I tried to convince
ways I wasn’t enough I tried to convince myself if I got it all right on the
myself if I got it all right on the
myself if I got it all right on the outside I would be okay on the inside of
outside I would be okay on the inside of
outside I would be okay on the inside of course I knew that thinking was
course I knew that thinking was
course I knew that thinking was tragically misguided but fear and
tragically misguided but fear and
tragically misguided but fear and insecurity kept me clinging to it my
insecurity kept me clinging to it my
insecurity kept me clinging to it my soul craved something real and so I
soul craved something real and so I
soul craved something real and so I needed a moment to search the Stars and
needed a moment to search the Stars and
needed a moment to search the Stars and open my heart and plead for something
open my heart and plead for something
open my heart and plead for something sustaining to fill it I begged for
sustaining to fill it I begged for
sustaining to fill it I begged for change in that cold darkness and change
change in that cold darkness and change
change in that cold darkness and change was coming not in the package I was
was coming not in the package I was
was coming not in the package I was expecting but in the package that was
expecting but in the package that was
expecting but in the package that was ultimately necessary
ultimately necessary
ultimately necessary a month later change showed up as
a month later change showed up as
a month later change showed up as aggressive stage 3 breast cancer
aggressive stage 3 breast cancer
aggressive stage 3 breast cancer diagnosis at age 33 with no genetic
diagnosis at age 33 with no genetic
diagnosis at age 33 with no genetic indicators or other
indicators or other
indicators or other pre-conditions I was hit hard and fast
pre-conditions I was hit hard and fast
pre-conditions I was hit hard and fast with a life-altering do-or-die crossroad
with a life-altering do-or-die crossroad
with a life-altering do-or-die crossroad I had two large tumors in my left breast
I had two large tumors in my left breast
I had two large tumors in my left breast and the cancer had already spread to my
and the cancer had already spread to my
and the cancer had already spread to my lymph nodes it was serious it was going
lymph nodes it was serious it was going
lymph nodes it was serious it was going to require intense treatment and the
to require intense treatment and the
to require intense treatment and the next year of my life would be spent
next year of my life would be spent
next year of my life would be spent fighting to survive to make matters
fighting to survive to make matters
fighting to survive to make matters worse I had launched my own law practice
worse I had launched my own law practice
worse I had launched my own law practice only four days before my diagnosis I had
only four days before my diagnosis I had
only four days before my diagnosis I had signed contracts to build an office that
signed contracts to build an office that
signed contracts to build an office that would completely deplete our life
would completely deplete our life
would completely deplete our life savings and as our family’s sole income
savings and as our family’s sole income
savings and as our family’s sole income provider we immediately spiraled into a
provider we immediately spiraled into a
provider we immediately spiraled into a long-term gradient panic about how we
long-term gradient panic about how we
long-term gradient panic about how we would survive as a family and as a
would survive as a family and as a
would survive as a family and as a business I didn’t know it then because I
business I didn’t know it then because I
business I didn’t know it then because I didn’t know what was coming but looking
didn’t know what was coming but looking
didn’t know what was coming but looking back knowing I would face serious and
back knowing I would face serious and
back knowing I would face serious and life-threatening complications I can say
life-threatening complications I can say
life-threatening complications I can say it was a deeply painful terrifying ride
it was a deeply painful terrifying ride
it was a deeply painful terrifying ride I had awful complications from chemo red
I had awful complications from chemo red
I had awful complications from chemo red swollen skin an infection that wouldn’t
swollen skin an infection that wouldn’t
swollen skin an infection that wouldn’t resolve a blood clot in my heart the
resolve a blood clot in my heart the
resolve a blood clot in my heart the size of a golf ball my flesh was cut
size of a golf ball my flesh was cut
size of a golf ball my flesh was cut open
open
open there was hole punched through it my
there was hole punched through it my
there was hole punched through it my skin was burned and wet from radiation I
skin was burned and wet from radiation I
skin was burned and wet from radiation I underwent surgery to have both breasts
underwent surgery to have both breasts
underwent surgery to have both breasts removed and I’ll have reconstruction
removed and I’ll have reconstruction
removed and I’ll have reconstruction later this fall but the hardest part was
later this fall but the hardest part was
later this fall but the hardest part was that nothing was ever certain not my
that nothing was ever certain not my
that nothing was ever certain not my health not my finances not my role as a
health not my finances not my role as a
health not my finances not my role as a mother or spouse everything was spinning
mother or spouse everything was spinning
mother or spouse everything was spinning around me and I couldn’t control any of
around me and I couldn’t control any of
around me and I couldn’t control any of it I was a passenger on a train off its
it I was a passenger on a train off its
it I was a passenger on a train off its tracks and cancer was the most difficult
tracks and cancer was the most difficult
tracks and cancer was the most difficult thing I have ever survived but I am
thing I have ever survived but I am
thing I have ever survived but I am Alive
thank you and it’s not because I
thank you and it’s not because I survived it was because I was presented
survived it was because I was presented
survived it was because I was presented with a choice the day that diagnosis
with a choice the day that diagnosis
with a choice the day that diagnosis landed in my lap I knew if I was going
landed in my lap I knew if I was going
landed in my lap I knew if I was going to fight to survive I was going to fight
to fight to survive I was going to fight
to fight to survive I was going to fight to live there was nothing I could do
to live there was nothing I could do
to live there was nothing I could do about the cards I was dealt but I could
about the cards I was dealt but I could
about the cards I was dealt but I could sure play the hell out of that hand from
sure play the hell out of that hand from
sure play the hell out of that hand from the outset I decided to live a life that
the outset I decided to live a life that
the outset I decided to live a life that was brave and bold and beautiful
was brave and bold and beautiful
was brave and bold and beautiful that was my cancer challenge not
that was my cancer challenge not
that was my cancer challenge not enduring the fight against disease but
enduring the fight against disease but
enduring the fight against disease but in deciding to live life on my terms
in deciding to live life on my terms
in deciding to live life on my terms even when I couldn’t control anything
even when I couldn’t control anything
even when I couldn’t control anything I created a fresh start in that
I created a fresh start in that
I created a fresh start in that surrender I found the courage to shed
surrender I found the courage to shed
surrender I found the courage to shed what wasn’t working and I began dreaming
what wasn’t working and I began dreaming
what wasn’t working and I began dreaming about something better cancer was my
about something better cancer was my
about something better cancer was my moment to create a life that was whole
moment to create a life that was whole
moment to create a life that was whole and meaningful I was presented with
and meaningful I was presented with
and meaningful I was presented with something extraordinary and I believed
something extraordinary and I believed
something extraordinary and I believed that through it I could create something
that through it I could create something
that through it I could create something equally extraordinary so I did not on my
equally extraordinary so I did not on my
equally extraordinary so I did not on my own No
own No
own No I had a love army I started a blog
I had a love army I started a blog
I had a love army I started a blog shortly after my diagnosis as a way to
shortly after my diagnosis as a way to
shortly after my diagnosis as a way to keep in touch with family and friends my
keep in touch with family and friends my
keep in touch with family and friends my writing soon became a way for me to sort
writing soon became a way for me to sort
writing soon became a way for me to sort through the pain and to create genuine
through the pain and to create genuine
through the pain and to create genuine connections with my readers I wrote when
connections with my readers I wrote when
connections with my readers I wrote when I was feeling afraid I wrote when I was
I was feeling afraid I wrote when I was
I was feeling afraid I wrote when I was devastated and feeling defeated my
devastated and feeling defeated my
devastated and feeling defeated my little blog Katie over cancer soon grew
little blog Katie over cancer soon grew
little blog Katie over cancer soon grew and it’s now been viewed by over 99
and it’s now been viewed by over 99
and it’s now been viewed by over 99 thousand people in 100 countries I wrote
thousand people in 100 countries I wrote
thousand people in 100 countries I wrote with honesty and vulnerability I put my
with honesty and vulnerability I put my
with honesty and vulnerability I put my suffering and my triumphs on display and
suffering and my triumphs on display and
suffering and my triumphs on display and I committed to receiving and accepting
I committed to receiving and accepting
I committed to receiving and accepting everything those moments could teach me
everything those moments could teach me
everything those moments could teach me and something else blossomed and that
and something else blossomed and that
and something else blossomed and that surrender a connection a shared
surrender a connection a shared
surrender a connection a shared experience and the moments when I ran
experience and the moments when I ran
experience and the moments when I ran out of Hope when I couldn’t find peace
out of Hope when I couldn’t find peace
out of Hope when I couldn’t find peace my community showed up to hold me safe
my community showed up to hold me safe
my community showed up to hold me safe and inspire me and that that’s what pain
and inspire me and that that’s what pain
and inspire me and that that’s what pain revealed to me there is incredible
revealed to me there is incredible
revealed to me there is incredible beauty in this world I have seen the
beauty in this world I have seen the
beauty in this world I have seen the darkest nights I’ve been on the ground
darkest nights I’ve been on the ground
darkest nights I’ve been on the ground unable to lift my eyes to the Stars and
unable to lift my eyes to the Stars and
unable to lift my eyes to the Stars and do you know what happened and those my
do you know what happened and those my
do you know what happened and those my months love happened love from all
months love happened love from all
months love happened love from all corners of the earth people near and
corners of the earth people near and
corners of the earth people near and dear old friends and new family and even
dear old friends and new family and even
dear old friends and new family and even complete strangers offered their love
complete strangers offered their love
complete strangers offered their love and kindness to me they saw I was
and kindness to me they saw I was
and kindness to me they saw I was hurting and they held me up they gave of
hurting and they held me up they gave of
hurting and they held me up they gave of themselves so I would have pieces of
themselves so I would have pieces of
themselves so I would have pieces of them to hold me together little and big
them to hold me together little and big
them to hold me together little and big acts of love helped me survive I’m just
acts of love helped me survive I’m just
acts of love helped me survive I’m just one person in the world and yet the love
one person in the world and yet the love
one person in the world and yet the love I have received the kindness and
I have received the kindness and
I have received the kindness and compassion that have been extended to me
compassion that have been extended to me
compassion that have been extended to me changed the course of my life forever
changed the course of my life forever
changed the course of my life forever when clouds came and kept those stars
when clouds came and kept those stars
when clouds came and kept those stars from my view love stepped in and
from my view love stepped in and
from my view love stepped in and reminded me they were still there
reminded me they were still there
reminded me they were still there love soothed my soul and healed my
love soothed my soul and healed my
love soothed my soul and healed my wounds love inspired hope love restored
wounds love inspired hope love restored
wounds love inspired hope love restored faith love overcame the dark because of
faith love overcame the dark because of
faith love overcame the dark because of the love I received I took back what
the love I received I took back what
the love I received I took back what cancer stole from me and I created more
cancer stole from me and I created more
cancer stole from me and I created more I now live with purpose I have the
I now live with purpose I have the
I now live with purpose I have the curiosity to find out who I really am
curiosity to find out who I really am
curiosity to find out who I really am and the courage to become that person
and the courage to become that person
and the courage to become that person love freed me from peddling perfection
love freed me from peddling perfection
love freed me from peddling perfection and allowed me to lean into the lessons
and allowed me to lean into the lessons
and allowed me to lean into the lessons pain and grief could teach me I am here
pain and grief could teach me I am here
pain and grief could teach me I am here to remind you never forget how powerful
to remind you never forget how powerful
to remind you never forget how powerful you are never forget what you have to
you are never forget what you have to
you are never forget what you have to offer to someone else’s life and be
offer to someone else’s life and be
offer to someone else’s life and be brave and finding the power of love in
brave and finding the power of love in
brave and finding the power of love in your own life be bold give love freely
your own life be bold give love freely
your own life be bold give love freely ask for and accept a love and never lose
ask for and accept a love and never lose
ask for and accept a love and never lose your faith in your significance in the
your faith in your significance in the
your faith in your significance in the world and your ability to create change
world and your ability to create change
world and your ability to create change in your life and in others lean in to
in your life and in others lean in to
in your life and in others lean in to love and always keep an eye on the sky
”
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