there’s no single path to recovery when it comes to healing emotional trauma but
it comes to healing emotional trauma but
it comes to healing emotional trauma but all paths lead right to the thing you
all paths lead right to the thing you
all paths lead right to the thing you most want to avoid to heal you must make
most want to avoid to heal you must make
most want to avoid to heal you must make the brave choice that feels
the brave choice that feels
the brave choice that feels self-destructive you have to go toward
self-destructive you have to go toward
self-destructive you have to go toward the pain right but how do you do that
the pain right but how do you do that
the pain right but how do you do that how do you do that when you’ve already
how do you do that when you’ve already
how do you do that when you’ve already been suffering when you’re just a shell
been suffering when you’re just a shell
been suffering when you’re just a shell of who you were and what if the pain is
of who you were and what if the pain is
of who you were and what if the pain is an actual physical discomfort what if it
an actual physical discomfort what if it
an actual physical discomfort what if it itches every day all over the itching
itches every day all over the itching
itches every day all over the itching came later but first on March 8th 2004 a
came later but first on March 8th 2004 a
came later but first on March 8th 2004 a 16 year old employee at my dad’s
16 year old employee at my dad’s
16 year old employee at my dad’s restaurant carried out his plan to kill
restaurant carried out his plan to kill
restaurant carried out his plan to kill my father and rob the place
my father and rob the place
my father and rob the place he came when he knew my dad would be
he came when he knew my dad would be
he came when he knew my dad would be alone distracted him hit him over the
alone distracted him hit him over the
alone distracted him hit him over the head with a hammer and stabbed him 11
head with a hammer and stabbed him 11
head with a hammer and stabbed him 11 times with two hunting knives
my dad’s fate was all the more shocking
my dad’s fate was all the more shocking because of its contrast to how he lived
because of its contrast to how he lived
because of its contrast to how he lived his life he was the last person you’d
his life he was the last person you’d
his life he was the last person you’d think anyone would want to harm even the
think anyone would want to harm even the
think anyone would want to harm even the teen became agitated when asked by the
teen became agitated when asked by the
teen became agitated when asked by the prosecuting attorney if my dad had done
prosecuting attorney if my dad had done
prosecuting attorney if my dad had done anything to provoke the attack no he
anything to provoke the attack no he
anything to provoke the attack no he said mr. lacy was never anything but
said mr. lacy was never anything but
said mr. lacy was never anything but kind to me completely senseless that’s
kind to me completely senseless that’s
kind to me completely senseless that’s all it was and all it would ever be
all it was and all it would ever be
all it was and all it would ever be I got counseling and spent the better
I got counseling and spent the better
I got counseling and spent the better part of a year trying to come out of a
part of a year trying to come out of a
part of a year trying to come out of a fog but ultimately without a way to make
fog but ultimately without a way to make
fog but ultimately without a way to make sense of it intellectually or
sense of it intellectually or
sense of it intellectually or spiritually the trauma took up residence
spiritually the trauma took up residence
spiritually the trauma took up residence in my physical body the layers of
in my physical body the layers of
in my physical body the layers of traumatic loss weighed on me
traumatic loss weighed on me
traumatic loss weighed on me figuratively but also in a tangible felt
figuratively but also in a tangible felt
figuratively but also in a tangible felt sense I experienced chest tightness and
sense I experienced chest tightness and
sense I experienced chest tightness and wheezing as the heaviness settled around
wheezing as the heaviness settled around
wheezing as the heaviness settled around my heart and lungs the teen was caught
my heart and lungs the teen was caught
my heart and lungs the teen was caught the same day 14 months after the murder
the same day 14 months after the murder
the same day 14 months after the murder i sat with my family at the trial that
i sat with my family at the trial that
i sat with my family at the trial that became necessary when he refused the
became necessary when he refused the
became necessary when he refused the sentence bargain I was reach Ramat eyes
sentence bargain I was reach Ramat eyes
sentence bargain I was reach Ramat eyes by the details but I couldn’t not be
by the details but I couldn’t not be
by the details but I couldn’t not be there I felt I owed it to my dad and my
there I felt I owed it to my dad and my
there I felt I owed it to my dad and my family the trial lasted three and a half
family the trial lasted three and a half
family the trial lasted three and a half days and the jury deliberated for less
days and the jury deliberated for less
days and the jury deliberated for less than 40 minutes the teen was convicted
than 40 minutes the teen was convicted
than 40 minutes the teen was convicted of capital murder and sentenced to life
of capital murder and sentenced to life
of capital murder and sentenced to life in prison without parole
in prison without parole
in prison without parole a year later around the time of the
a year later around the time of the
a year later around the time of the second anniversary of the murder there
second anniversary of the murder there
second anniversary of the murder there was no trial nothing like the trial for
was no trial nothing like the trial for
was no trial nothing like the trial for me to focus on there was no container
me to focus on there was no container
me to focus on there was no container for my grief there was nothing to do but
for my grief there was nothing to do but
for my grief there was nothing to do but one day distracted and disconnected I
one day distracted and disconnected I
one day distracted and disconnected I ran a red light a mile from my home and
ran a red light a mile from my home and
ran a red light a mile from my home and plowed into the driver’s side of a
plowed into the driver’s side of a
plowed into the driver’s side of a turnin vehicle fortunately the driver
turnin vehicle fortunately the driver
turnin vehicle fortunately the driver wasn’t seriously injured and neither was
wasn’t seriously injured and neither was
wasn’t seriously injured and neither was i but my already traumatized body was
i but my already traumatized body was
i but my already traumatized body was sent into overdrive the adrenaline rush
sent into overdrive the adrenaline rush
sent into overdrive the adrenaline rush and shock were too much for my depleted
and shock were too much for my depleted
and shock were too much for my depleted system and the following day I broke out
system and the following day I broke out
system and the following day I broke out in hives across my entire body the
in hives across my entire body the
in hives across my entire body the itching got so bad I wept and had to go
itching got so bad I wept and had to go
itching got so bad I wept and had to go to a weekend clinic for some relief I
to a weekend clinic for some relief I
to a weekend clinic for some relief I was prescribed prednisone for a few days
was prescribed prednisone for a few days
was prescribed prednisone for a few days and then advised to take
and then advised to take
and then advised to take over-the-counter antihistamines after
over-the-counter antihistamines after
over-the-counter antihistamines after that as needed and I did need them daily
that as needed and I did need them daily
that as needed and I did need them daily for 10 months I tried going off of the
for 10 months I tried going off of the
for 10 months I tried going off of the medication and sought other treatments
medication and sought other treatments
medication and sought other treatments during that time more therapy
during that time more therapy
during that time more therapy acupuncture supplements dietary changes
acupuncture supplements dietary changes
acupuncture supplements dietary changes and more some remedies brought temporary
and more some remedies brought temporary
and more some remedies brought temporary relief but nothing lasted beyond a day
relief but nothing lasted beyond a day
relief but nothing lasted beyond a day or two I wasn’t avoiding the trauma at
or two I wasn’t avoiding the trauma at
or two I wasn’t avoiding the trauma at that point I had been processing my
that point I had been processing my
that point I had been processing my grief and feeling the waves of emotion
grief and feeling the waves of emotion
grief and feeling the waves of emotion for years I had great support from
for years I had great support from
for years I had great support from treatment providers family and friends
treatment providers family and friends
treatment providers family and friends but still my body wasn’t well what more
but still my body wasn’t well what more
but still my body wasn’t well what more did I need to face how much more pain
did I need to face how much more pain
did I need to face how much more pain that I need to connect with I came to
that I need to connect with I came to
that I need to connect with I came to understand that the hives were my body’s
understand that the hives were my body’s
understand that the hives were my body’s attempt to push the trauma up and out of
attempt to push the trauma up and out of
attempt to push the trauma up and out of me through my skin but I couldn’t let go
me through my skin but I couldn’t let go
me through my skin but I couldn’t let go I held on to my symptoms I held on to my
I held on to my symptoms I held on to my
I held on to my symptoms I held on to my symptoms as if they were my father not
symptoms as if they were my father not
symptoms as if they were my father not consciously of course but there he was
consciously of course but there he was
consciously of course but there he was in the chest tightness the wheezing the
in the chest tightness the wheezing the
in the chest tightness the wheezing the migraines and of course the hives
you see my last emotional experience of
you see my last emotional experience of my father in my life was the day he was
my father in my life was the day he was
my father in my life was the day he was killed
killed
killed that was our last connection and it was
that was our last connection and it was
that was our last connection and it was a powerful one awful beyond anything
a powerful one awful beyond anything
a powerful one awful beyond anything imaginable but real intense with weight
imaginable but real intense with weight
imaginable but real intense with weight and substance my symptoms were a
and substance my symptoms were a
and substance my symptoms were a constant reminder of my loss and
constant reminder of my loss and
constant reminder of my loss and therefore a constant reminder of him as
therefore a constant reminder of him as
therefore a constant reminder of him as I continued to suppress the itching with
I continued to suppress the itching with
I continued to suppress the itching with medication my other ailments grew worse
medication my other ailments grew worse
medication my other ailments grew worse the chest tightness continued at night
the chest tightness continued at night
the chest tightness continued at night and the wheezing and one cold after
and the wheezing and one cold after
and the wheezing and one cold after another and then in January 2007 I had
another and then in January 2007 I had
another and then in January 2007 I had six migraines the most I’d ever had I
six migraines the most I’d ever had I
six migraines the most I’d ever had I was engaged to be married that August
was engaged to be married that August
was engaged to be married that August and I really didn’t want to be all hyvee
and I really didn’t want to be all hyvee
and I really didn’t want to be all hyvee and wheezy on my wedding day it had all
and wheezy on my wedding day it had all
and wheezy on my wedding day it had all become completely unbearable and
become completely unbearable and
become completely unbearable and unacceptable I desperately wanted to be
unacceptable I desperately wanted to be
unacceptable I desperately wanted to be healthy and whole and me again in
healthy and whole and me again in
healthy and whole and me again in dealing with chronic hives for nearly a
dealing with chronic hives for nearly a
dealing with chronic hives for nearly a year I kept asking myself two questions
year I kept asking myself two questions
year I kept asking myself two questions the first was the obvious how do I stop
the first was the obvious how do I stop
the first was the obvious how do I stop the itching I felt if I could just stop
the itching I felt if I could just stop
the itching I felt if I could just stop the itching that would mean my body was
the itching that would mean my body was
the itching that would mean my body was well and I’d be healed the problem was
well and I’d be healed the problem was
well and I’d be healed the problem was the solutions I came up with only
the solutions I came up with only
the solutions I came up with only suppress the itching the second equally
suppress the itching the second equally
suppress the itching the second equally ineffective question was why can’t I
ineffective question was why can’t I
ineffective question was why can’t I heal this question made me feel like
heal this question made me feel like
heal this question made me feel like there was some magic combination or
there was some magic combination or
there was some magic combination or password I hadn’t yet hit upon or worse
password I hadn’t yet hit upon or worse
password I hadn’t yet hit upon or worse that something was so broken in me I
that something was so broken in me I
that something was so broken in me I might never be able to heal the right
might never be able to heal the right
might never be able to heal the right questions seem to elude me if I could go
questions seem to elude me if I could go
questions seem to elude me if I could go back knowing what I know now I would
back knowing what I know now I would
back knowing what I know now I would have brainstormed lots and lots of
have brainstormed lots and lots of
have brainstormed lots and lots of questions
questions
questions derivatives of the old ones and brand
derivatives of the old ones and brand
derivatives of the old ones and brand new even nonsensical ones as it was the
new even nonsensical ones as it was the
new even nonsensical ones as it was the question that came forward of its own
question that came forward of its own
question that came forward of its own volition was what’s on the other side of
volition was what’s on the other side of
volition was what’s on the other side of the itching this was a brilliant
the itching this was a brilliant
the itching this was a brilliant question trust me it had a curious
question trust me it had a curious
question trust me it had a curious adventurous tone to it
adventurous tone to it
adventurous tone to it it wasn’t about suppressing or
it wasn’t about suppressing or
it wasn’t about suppressing or self-reproach
self-reproach
self-reproach it seemed to be about the way through to
it seemed to be about the way through to
it seemed to be about the way through to imagine that I was here and the itching
imagine that I was here and the itching
imagine that I was here and the itching was there and there was a place on the
was there and there was a place on the
was there and there was a place on the other side where I was healthy and whole
other side where I was healthy and whole
other side where I was healthy and whole was incredible what’s on the other side
was incredible what’s on the other side
was incredible what’s on the other side I find out though I had to bring the
I find out though I had to bring the
I find out though I had to bring the itching back I had to go toward the pain
itching back I had to go toward the pain
itching back I had to go toward the pain so I decided to stop taking the
so I decided to stop taking the
so I decided to stop taking the medication and the itching returned
medication and the itching returned
medication and the itching returned almost immediately
almost immediately
almost immediately although mercifully not as bad as when
although mercifully not as bad as when
although mercifully not as bad as when the hives first appeared one night I was
the hives first appeared one night I was
the hives first appeared one night I was watching TV with my fiancee my wonderful
watching TV with my fiancee my wonderful
watching TV with my fiancee my wonderful loving a patient partner I was
loving a patient partner I was
loving a patient partner I was scratching away at my arms annoyed by
scratching away at my arms annoyed by
scratching away at my arms annoyed by the sandpaper each sounds he said will
the sandpaper each sounds he said will
the sandpaper each sounds he said will you just go take a pill and there it was
you just go take a pill and there it was
you just go take a pill and there it was a choice the opportunity to stay the
a choice the opportunity to stay the
a choice the opportunity to stay the course or go back to avoiding and
course or go back to avoiding and
course or go back to avoiding and suppressing no more pills I decided it
suppressing no more pills I decided it
suppressing no more pills I decided it was me or the hives and I was going to
was me or the hives and I was going to
was me or the hives and I was going to keep right on itching for as long as I
keep right on itching for as long as I
keep right on itching for as long as I needed to the very next day I was
needed to the very next day I was
needed to the very next day I was driving to work and at a stoplight I
driving to work and at a stoplight I
driving to work and at a stoplight I looked up and saw a giant construction
looked up and saw a giant construction
looked up and saw a giant construction crane tilting toward the ground an
crane tilting toward the ground an
crane tilting toward the ground an earthquake I put the car in park and got
earthquake I put the car in park and got
earthquake I put the car in park and got ready to jump out when I noticed
ready to jump out when I noticed
ready to jump out when I noticed something really odd people were
something really odd people were
something really odd people were crossing the street like nothing was
crossing the street like nothing was
crossing the street like nothing was happening nothing was happening to them
happening nothing was happening to them
happening nothing was happening to them I was tilting it was an intense vertigo
I was tilting it was an intense vertigo
I was tilting it was an intense vertigo incident I’d never had vertigo before
incident I’d never had vertigo before
incident I’d never had vertigo before and never since in the ambulance I was
and never since in the ambulance I was
and never since in the ambulance I was incredulous what now
incredulous what now
incredulous what now at the hospital I started shaking
at the hospital I started shaking
at the hospital I started shaking uncontrollably from head to toe the
uncontrollably from head to toe the
uncontrollably from head to toe the nurses kept piling blankets on top of me
nurses kept piling blankets on top of me
nurses kept piling blankets on top of me and as I shook cocooned in the blankets
and as I shook cocooned in the blankets
and as I shook cocooned in the blankets I felt calm I knew I was okay I was
I felt calm I knew I was okay I was
I felt calm I knew I was okay I was healing the shaking I would later learn
healing the shaking I would later learn
healing the shaking I would later learn was indeed my body’s way of healing the
was indeed my body’s way of healing the
was indeed my body’s way of healing the trauma neurogenic tremors are an innate
trauma neurogenic tremors are an innate
trauma neurogenic tremors are an innate physiological response to calm the
physiological response to calm the
physiological response to calm the body following a state of hyper arousal
body following a state of hyper arousal
body following a state of hyper arousal but it’s a response that we can shut
but it’s a response that we can shut
but it’s a response that we can shut down by clenching our bodies often
down by clenching our bodies often
down by clenching our bodies often unconsciously
unconsciously
unconsciously and that’s exactly what I had done I had
and that’s exactly what I had done I had
and that’s exactly what I had done I had been holding it all in keeping myself
been holding it all in keeping myself
been holding it all in keeping myself locked and fight flight or freeze after
locked and fight flight or freeze after
locked and fight flight or freeze after the vertigo incident the itching was
the vertigo incident the itching was
the vertigo incident the itching was gone the rest of my symptoms faded one
gone the rest of my symptoms faded one
gone the rest of my symptoms faded one by one and in August that year I had a
by one and in August that year I had a
by one and in August that year I had a hive free wedding day I don’t know what
hive free wedding day I don’t know what
hive free wedding day I don’t know what brought that question forward what’s on
brought that question forward what’s on
brought that question forward what’s on the other side but in the end I knew
the other side but in the end I knew
the other side but in the end I knew that I could let go of my symptoms
that I could let go of my symptoms
that I could let go of my symptoms because they weren’t my father my
because they weren’t my father my
because they weren’t my father my physical symptoms had nothing to do with
physical symptoms had nothing to do with
physical symptoms had nothing to do with the love we shared or who he was
I could be healthy and whole and me and
I could be healthy and whole and me and still love him and still honor his
still love him and still honor his
still love him and still honor his memory this is our real connection our
memory this is our real connection our
memory this is our real connection our forever father-daughter bond was not
forever father-daughter bond was not
forever father-daughter bond was not broken the day he was killed
ultimately my healing came not because
ultimately my healing came not because I’m particularly brave but because I
I’m particularly brave but because I
I’m particularly brave but because I finally saw that everything I was doing
finally saw that everything I was doing
finally saw that everything I was doing to avoid the pain wasn’t making me well
to avoid the pain wasn’t making me well
to avoid the pain wasn’t making me well quite the opposite and it seems obvious
quite the opposite and it seems obvious
quite the opposite and it seems obvious now but trauma had fooled me into
now but trauma had fooled me into
now but trauma had fooled me into thinking but it was protecting me it had
thinking but it was protecting me it had
thinking but it was protecting me it had built a fortress to my unique
built a fortress to my unique
built a fortress to my unique specifications and the longer I was
specifications and the longer I was
specifications and the longer I was there the more the walls closed in until
there the more the walls closed in until
there the more the walls closed in until the protection became my prison until I
the protection became my prison until I
the protection became my prison until I was itching to get out and his novel The
was itching to get out and his novel The
was itching to get out and his novel The Stand Stephen King wrote no one can tell
Stand Stephen King wrote no one can tell
Stand Stephen King wrote no one can tell what goes on in between the person you
what goes on in between the person you
what goes on in between the person you were and the person you become no one
were and the person you become no one
were and the person you become no one can chart that blue and lonely section
can chart that blue and lonely section
can chart that blue and lonely section of hell there are no maps of the change
of hell there are no maps of the change
of hell there are no maps of the change you just come out the other side or you
you just come out the other side or you
you just come out the other side or you don’t
what was on the other side of the pain
what was on the other side of the pain me forever changed but all in one piece
me forever changed but all in one piece
me forever changed but all in one piece at peace thank you
at peace thank you
at peace thank you [Applause]
”
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