The Danger of Fearing Death | Richard Holm | TEDxBrookings

thank you let me share my story how I

thank you let me share my story how I realized all is well with my soul in one

realized all is well with my soul in one

realized all is well with my soul in one famous interview Mother Teresa the

famous interview Mother Teresa the

famous interview Mother Teresa the interviewer asked how do you pray

interviewer asked how do you pray

interviewer asked how do you pray I listen was her response and what does

I listen was her response and what does

I listen was her response and what does God say in return the interviewer asked

God say in return the interviewer asked

God say in return the interviewer asked he listens was the answer consider the

he listens was the answer consider the

he listens was the answer consider the great good that comes from listening

great good that comes from listening

great good that comes from listening I believe listening for God is listening

I believe listening for God is listening

I believe listening for God is listening with hope for life today I’m advising

with hope for life today I’m advising

with hope for life today I’m advising that you can best listen for life when

that you can best listen for life when

that you can best listen for life when you learn to escape the harm from

you learn to escape the harm from

you learn to escape the harm from fearing death my story explains why I

fearing death my story explains why I

fearing death my story explains why I want to make this point as a physician I

want to make this point as a physician I

want to make this point as a physician I have tried to practice what I preach

have tried to practice what I preach

have tried to practice what I preach I’ve lived a healthy lifestyle of moving

I’ve lived a healthy lifestyle of moving

I’ve lived a healthy lifestyle of moving more eating less connecting with people

more eating less connecting with people

more eating less connecting with people it’s a recipe to live forever

it’s a recipe to live forever

it’s a recipe to live forever however just about a year ago my belly

however just about a year ago my belly

however just about a year ago my belly started aching and I became the color of

started aching and I became the color of

started aching and I became the color of a pumpkin we thought gallbladder disease

a pumpkin we thought gallbladder disease

a pumpkin we thought gallbladder disease was the diagnosis but when the surgeon

was the diagnosis but when the surgeon

was the diagnosis but when the surgeon operated to remove my gallbladder she

operated to remove my gallbladder she

operated to remove my gallbladder she discovered pancreatic cancer blocking my

discovered pancreatic cancer blocking my

discovered pancreatic cancer blocking my bile duct since then I’ve had over four

bile duct since then I’ve had over four

bile duct since then I’ve had over four months of strong triple chemo therapy

months of strong triple chemo therapy

months of strong triple chemo therapy two months of radiation therapy and

two months of radiation therapy and

two months of radiation therapy and finally in May the doctors performed the

finally in May the doctors performed the

finally in May the doctors performed the Whipple procedure they cut out the head

Whipple procedure they cut out the head

Whipple procedure they cut out the head of the pancreas that had the cancer 1/3

of the pancreas that had the cancer 1/3

of the pancreas that had the cancer 1/3 of the stomach half of the bile duct a

of the stomach half of the bile duct a

of the stomach half of the bile duct a foot or more of small intestine and a

foot or more of small intestine and a

foot or more of small intestine and a big chunk of connective tissue that

big chunk of connective tissue that

big chunk of connective tissue that included all of the lymph nodes in the

included all of the lymph nodes in the

included all of the lymph nodes in the area here’s the before and after there’s

area here’s the before and after there’s

area here’s the before and after there’s been some rough seas but I’m recovering

been some rough seas but I’m recovering

been some rough seas but I’m recovering in my case now I have something like a

in my case now I have something like a

in my case now I have something like a 50-50 chance of a cure and the same

50-50 chance of a cure and the same

50-50 chance of a cure and the same chance that the Cancer will return and

chance that the Cancer will return and

chance that the Cancer will return and bring about my death although in this

bring about my death although in this

bring about my death although in this case I hope I have a few years

case I hope I have a few years

case I hope I have a few years so I have a good reason to be doing some

so I have a good reason to be doing some

so I have a good reason to be doing some thinking about my own death Frederic

thinking about my own death Frederic

thinking about my own death Frederic Backman a Swedish author said in his

Backman a Swedish author said in his

Backman a Swedish author said in his wonderful book a man called OVA and I

wonderful book a man called OVA and I

wonderful book a man called OVA and I recommend it

recommend it

recommend it death is a strange thing most people

death is a strange thing most people

death is a strange thing most people lived their whole lives as if it doesn’t

lived their whole lives as if it doesn’t

lived their whole lives as if it doesn’t exist

exist

exist I believe he’s right I we pretend death

I believe he’s right I we pretend death

I believe he’s right I we pretend death doesn’t exist because many of us are

doesn’t exist because many of us are

doesn’t exist because many of us are gut-wrenchingly terrified of it so why

gut-wrenchingly terrified of it so why

gut-wrenchingly terrified of it so why are we so afraid

are we so afraid

are we so afraid is this disabling dread from our

is this disabling dread from our

is this disabling dread from our cultural habit of avoiding dying or dead

cultural habit of avoiding dying or dead

cultural habit of avoiding dying or dead people in the hospital the nursing home

people in the hospital the nursing home

people in the hospital the nursing home or the funeral is it because we don’t

or the funeral is it because we don’t

or the funeral is it because we don’t talk about death in conversations with

talk about death in conversations with

talk about death in conversations with our children I ask you by keeping the

our children I ask you by keeping the

our children I ask you by keeping the sad truth from our youth trying to make

sad truth from our youth trying to make

sad truth from our youth trying to make life easier for them are we instead

life easier for them are we instead

life easier for them are we instead filling them with the fear of death

filling them with the fear of death

filling them with the fear of death isn’t it true that the fear of the

isn’t it true that the fear of the

isn’t it true that the fear of the unknown is almost always worse than

unknown is almost always worse than

unknown is almost always worse than something familiar is it because people

something familiar is it because people

something familiar is it because people of all ages have gotten used to such

of all ages have gotten used to such

of all ages have gotten used to such advances in medicine that we expect

advances in medicine that we expect

advances in medicine that we expect modern health care to save us from death

modern health care to save us from death

modern health care to save us from death even in the face of terminal or aging

even in the face of terminal or aging

even in the face of terminal or aging diseases even when all is futile or is

diseases even when all is futile or is

diseases even when all is futile or is it because sometimes people who are

it because sometimes people who are

it because sometimes people who are treated way beyond any chance of

treated way beyond any chance of

treated way beyond any chance of recovery experienced such severe

recovery experienced such severe

recovery experienced such severe suffering that when we see that

suffering that when we see that

suffering that when we see that suffering we become even more fearful of

suffering we become even more fearful of

suffering we become even more fearful of death fear is hardwired in our brains to

death fear is hardwired in our brains to

death fear is hardwired in our brains to keep us from harm but fear can sometimes

keep us from harm but fear can sometimes

keep us from harm but fear can sometimes make us turn and run away from a

make us turn and run away from a

make us turn and run away from a rational approach to avoiding danger or

rational approach to avoiding danger or

rational approach to avoiding danger or it can also cause complete paralysis

it can also cause complete paralysis

it can also cause complete paralysis while dangers just smacks us flat in the

while dangers just smacks us flat in the

while dangers just smacks us flat in the face I have helplessly watched some

face I have helplessly watched some

face I have helplessly watched some patients fear of death bring on

patients fear of death bring on

patients fear of death bring on suffering for exam

suffering for exam

suffering for exam a 55 year old woman who had seen a

a 55 year old woman who had seen a

a 55 year old woman who had seen a relative with breast cancer suffer

relative with breast cancer suffer

relative with breast cancer suffer miserably was diagnosed with her own

miserably was diagnosed with her own

miserably was diagnosed with her own breast cancer because of her fear of a

breast cancer because of her fear of a

breast cancer because of her fear of a similar fate and despite my explanations

similar fate and despite my explanations

similar fate and despite my explanations the woman avoided appropriate and

the woman avoided appropriate and

the woman avoided appropriate and effective treatment resulting in her

effective treatment resulting in her

effective treatment resulting in her death after less than a year her cancer

death after less than a year her cancer

death after less than a year her cancer looked just like that was standard

looked just like that was standard

looked just like that was standard acceptable and effective treatment she

acceptable and effective treatment she

acceptable and effective treatment she likely would have had many years of

likely would have had many years of

likely would have had many years of comfortable life which were lost

comfortable life which were lost

comfortable life which were lost because of her fear another example a

because of her fear another example a

because of her fear another example a forty five-year-old airplane pilot came

forty five-year-old airplane pilot came

forty five-year-old airplane pilot came into the Atlanta VA hospital with back

into the Atlanta VA hospital with back

into the Atlanta VA hospital with back pain when we diagnosed cancer of the

pain when we diagnosed cancer of the

pain when we diagnosed cancer of the lung spread to the bones of his back he

lung spread to the bones of his back he

lung spread to the bones of his back he sank into a black hole of funk and

sank into a black hole of funk and

sank into a black hole of funk and sadness so deep that he avoided visits

sadness so deep that he avoided visits

sadness so deep that he avoided visits from his family who loved him he

from his family who loved him he

from his family who loved him he eventually slipped away alone still

eventually slipped away alone still

eventually slipped away alone still immersed in regret panic and sadness

immersed in regret panic and sadness

immersed in regret panic and sadness fear of death is not only dangerous it

fear of death is not only dangerous it

fear of death is not only dangerous it can reduce the quality of the time you

can reduce the quality of the time you

can reduce the quality of the time you have left

have left

have left in contrast a 63 year old biology

in contrast a 63 year old biology

in contrast a 63 year old biology professor from SDSU was discovered with

professor from SDSU was discovered with

professor from SDSU was discovered with widely metastatic colon cancer years ago

widely metastatic colon cancer years ago

widely metastatic colon cancer years ago and after failed chemo it was time to

and after failed chemo it was time to

and after failed chemo it was time to enter hospice let him enjoy some time

enter hospice let him enjoy some time

enter hospice let him enjoy some time and change the focus to comfort care he

and change the focus to comfort care he

and change the focus to comfort care he loved his family his students and job

loved his family his students and job

loved his family his students and job but as a biologist and a burger he loved

but as a biologist and a burger he loved

but as a biologist and a burger he loved all living things and the world that

all living things and the world that

all living things and the world that surrounds us his was the opposite of the

surrounds us his was the opposite of the

surrounds us his was the opposite of the black hole

black hole

black hole everyone everyone nearing this guy felt

everyone everyone nearing this guy felt

everyone everyone nearing this guy felt his glowing spirit and his birdsong of

his glowing spirit and his birdsong of

his glowing spirit and his birdsong of love when he died

love when he died

love when he died he was surrounded by family and friends

he was surrounded by family and friends

he was surrounded by family and friends spirited connection to the whole world

spirited connection to the whole world

spirited connection to the whole world and all that’s in it he died with

and all that’s in it he died with

and all that’s in it he died with dignity pure class and grace so we come

dignity pure class and grace so we come

dignity pure class and grace so we come back to my case first I need to share

back to my case first I need to share

back to my case first I need to share with you some memories of my sister

with you some memories of my sister

with you some memories of my sister Susan who died at 19 years of age she

Susan who died at 19 years of age she

Susan who died at 19 years of age she taught me two powerful lessons when

taught me two powerful lessons when

taught me two powerful lessons when Susan died in a car crash I was 16 just

Susan died in a car crash I was 16 just

Susan died in a car crash I was 16 just returning from a Boy Scout canoe trip

returning from a Boy Scout canoe trip

returning from a Boy Scout canoe trip I’ll never forget the sadness of the

I’ll never forget the sadness of the

I’ll never forget the sadness of the moment walking into our house filled

moment walking into our house filled

moment walking into our house filled with what seemed like half the wonderful

with what seemed like half the wonderful

with what seemed like half the wonderful town of De Smet caring loving to find my

town of De Smet caring loving to find my

town of De Smet caring loving to find my mom and dad their grieving

mom and dad their grieving

mom and dad their grieving there was near the end of that summer

there was near the end of that summer

there was near the end of that summer but the beginning of a long period of

but the beginning of a long period of

but the beginning of a long period of mourning for my family and me the first

mourning for my family and me the first

mourning for my family and me the first lesson I realized how important support

lesson I realized how important support

lesson I realized how important support from a community can be consolation came

from a community can be consolation came

from a community can be consolation came from our friends our neighbors our

from our friends our neighbors our

from our friends our neighbors our Community Church as well as people we

Community Church as well as people we

Community Church as well as people we barely knew it was like the warm

barely knew it was like the warm

barely knew it was like the warm feathers of a loving and experience

feathers of a loving and experience

feathers of a loving and experience community wrapped around us it seemed

community wrapped around us it seemed

community wrapped around us it seemed more like their presence than their

more like their presence than their

more like their presence than their words that mattered the love of that

words that mattered the love of that

words that mattered the love of that community gave me the strength and the

community gave me the strength and the

community gave me the strength and the compassion and taught me give back to

compassion and taught me give back to

compassion and taught me give back to others when people need help

others when people need help

others when people need help second lesson her death changed how I

second lesson her death changed how I

second lesson her death changed how I saw a life she was a person with such

saw a life she was a person with such

saw a life she was a person with such zest so full of life

zest so full of life

zest so full of life she did she did a Snoopy dance I mean

she did she did a Snoopy dance I mean

she did she did a Snoopy dance I mean almost all of her day she loved life

almost all of her day she loved life

almost all of her day she loved life life too for any of us might be brief or

life too for any of us might be brief or

life too for any of us might be brief or shortened like hers and so it’s so very

shortened like hers and so it’s so very

shortened like hers and so it’s so very important to savor every moment

important to savor every moment

important to savor every moment why shouldn’t we cherish every day after

why shouldn’t we cherish every day after

why shouldn’t we cherish every day after all what is the downside we’re all going

all what is the downside we’re all going

all what is the downside we’re all going to die enjoying every moment as well as

to die enjoying every moment as well as

to die enjoying every moment as well as we can will not curry it on and fearing

we can will not curry it on and fearing

we can will not curry it on and fearing death will not prevent it

death will not prevent it

death will not prevent it I’m not saying cover up the fear of

I’m not saying cover up the fear of

I’m not saying cover up the fear of death with drugs or alcohol or pretend

death with drugs or alcohol or pretend

death with drugs or alcohol or pretend celebration that might just bring death

celebration that might just bring death

celebration that might just bring death sooner I am saying savor the moment I

sooner I am saying savor the moment I

sooner I am saying savor the moment I don’t know how it will be when I die but

don’t know how it will be when I die but

don’t know how it will be when I die but I think as a physician I am aware and

I think as a physician I am aware and

I think as a physician I am aware and prepared as any I have a lifetime of

prepared as any I have a lifetime of

prepared as any I have a lifetime of caring for the aging or the very sick

caring for the aging or the very sick

caring for the aging or the very sick who are near at the end of their lives

who are near at the end of their lives

who are near at the end of their lives it’s been my job all these years to help

it’s been my job all these years to help

it’s been my job all these years to help them through the dying process

them through the dying process

them through the dying process when it is inevitable I should add I

when it is inevitable I should add I

when it is inevitable I should add I don’t believe my profession always

don’t believe my profession always

don’t believe my profession always provides enough comfort in these times

provides enough comfort in these times

provides enough comfort in these times physicians and nurses are often

physicians and nurses are often

physicians and nurses are often overzealous because they can be running

overzealous because they can be running

overzealous because they can be running from their own fear of death too and of

from their own fear of death too and of

from their own fear of death too and of course giving comfort can take time it’s

course giving comfort can take time it’s

course giving comfort can take time it’s simply easier just to do everything full

simply easier just to do everything full

simply easier just to do everything full resuscitation full steam ahead

resuscitation full steam ahead

resuscitation full steam ahead another take-home message of this talk

another take-home message of this talk

another take-home message of this talk no matter what your age no matter what

no matter what your age no matter what

no matter what your age no matter what your age you need all of you to talk to

your age you need all of you to talk to

your age you need all of you to talk to your family about letting go when it’s

your family about letting go when it’s

your family about letting go when it’s time to die an official document is good

time to die an official document is good

time to die an official document is good but the talking with your family is most

but the talking with your family is most

but the talking with your family is most important although what happens after we

important although what happens after we

important although what happens after we die is beyond understanding the

die is beyond understanding the

die is beyond understanding the potential dangers of fearing death are

potential dangers of fearing death are

potential dangers of fearing death are real whether you’re an elderly person

real whether you’re an elderly person

real whether you’re an elderly person dying from heart failure lung disease

dying from heart failure lung disease

dying from heart failure lung disease pancreatic cancer or a perfectly healthy

pancreatic cancer or a perfectly healthy

pancreatic cancer or a perfectly healthy younger person sitting comfortably in

younger person sitting comfortably in

younger person sitting comfortably in your chair listening to a TEDx talk

your chair listening to a TEDx talk

your chair listening to a TEDx talk here’s another take home message by

here’s another take home message by

here’s another take home message by facing your own eventual death you’re

facing your own eventual death you’re

facing your own eventual death you’re better prepared to live after hearing of

better prepared to live after hearing of

better prepared to live after hearing of my cancer a psychologist Minister friend

my cancer a psychologist Minister friend

my cancer a psychologist Minister friend of mine from afar wrote me and said how

of mine from afar wrote me and said how

of mine from afar wrote me and said how is your soul with all of this and how

is your soul with all of this and how

is your soul with all of this and how should I pray for you here is my answer

should I pray for you here is my answer

should I pray for you here is my answer I would ask you pray that each one of us

I would ask you pray that each one of us

I would ask you pray that each one of us learn to better see and accept our own

learn to better see and accept our own

learn to better see and accept our own dying process and to let go of all that

dying process and to let go of all that

dying process and to let go of all that fear and then we can learn to savor

fear and then we can learn to savor

fear and then we can learn to savor every day every moment as for me my

every day every moment as for me my

every day every moment as for me my faith surrounds me like the wings of a

faith surrounds me like the wings of a

faith surrounds me like the wings of a mother hen I’m okay with dying I’m

mother hen I’m okay with dying I’m

mother hen I’m okay with dying I’m trying to put it off as long as I can

trying to put it off as long as I can

trying to put it off as long as I can but I’ll be all right if it happened

but I’ll be all right if it happened

but I’ll be all right if it happened sooner I am incredibly thankful for an

sooner I am incredibly thankful for an

sooner I am incredibly thankful for an abundant life my job as a physician has

abundant life my job as a physician has

abundant life my job as a physician has given back far more than I could ever

given back far more than I could ever

given back far more than I could ever give I still love and play with gusto I

give I still love and play with gusto I

give I still love and play with gusto I gather all the humor and fun I can have

gather all the humor and fun I can have

gather all the humor and fun I can have with every juncture and I try to Snoopy

with every juncture and I try to Snoopy

with every juncture and I try to Snoopy dance my dates every day I am surrounded

dance my dates every day I am surrounded

dance my dates every day I am surrounded by dear friends the love of a wonderful

by dear friends the love of a wonderful

by dear friends the love of a wonderful spouse and honest creative kids I direct

spouse and honest creative kids I direct

spouse and honest creative kids I direct an interdenominational choir that sings

an interdenominational choir that sings

an interdenominational choir that sings hymns weekly to people in need to help

hymns weekly to people in need to help

hymns weekly to people in need to help them savor a moment

them savor a moment

them savor a moment indeed I am I’ve been listening as hard

indeed I am I’ve been listening as hard

indeed I am I’ve been listening as hard as I can for life which helps me face my

as I can for life which helps me face my

as I can for life which helps me face my own impending death I believe God is

own impending death I believe God is

own impending death I believe God is listening and maybe Mother Teresa too

listening and maybe Mother Teresa too

listening and maybe Mother Teresa too and I realize rough seas can still come

and I realize rough seas can still come

and I realize rough seas can still come but all is well with my my soul

but all is well with my my soul

but all is well with my my soul [Applause]