so there’s a bit of irony for a talk entitled talk and the person who’s
entitled talk and the person who’s
entitled talk and the person who’s supposed to be talking isn’t able to
supposed to be talking isn’t able to
supposed to be talking isn’t able to join us today hi it’s actually my wife
join us today hi it’s actually my wife
join us today hi it’s actually my wife and so what we’re going to hear today is
and so what we’re going to hear today is
and so what we’re going to hear today is a story of parallel lives hers and mine
a story of parallel lives hers and mine
a story of parallel lives hers and mine and the confusion or misunderstandings
and the confusion or misunderstandings
and the confusion or misunderstandings that can exist when we don’t talk I’m in
that can exist when we don’t talk I’m in
that can exist when we don’t talk I’m in a teacher which means as soon as I
a teacher which means as soon as I
a teacher which means as soon as I finished college I was competing for a
finished college I was competing for a
finished college I was competing for a job and so that meant everything that I
job and so that meant everything that I
job and so that meant everything that I did had to be as close to perfect as I
did had to be as close to perfect as I
did had to be as close to perfect as I could make it and I carried that
could make it and I carried that
could make it and I carried that mentality into just about everything
mentality into just about everything
mentality into just about everything that I did so from trying to be a
that I did so from trying to be a
that I did so from trying to be a perfect employee to being a perfect
perfect employee to being a perfect
perfect employee to being a perfect daughter to being a perfect wife to
daughter to being a perfect wife to
daughter to being a perfect wife to being a perfect mom I kept pushing and
being a perfect mom I kept pushing and
being a perfect mom I kept pushing and pushing and pushing myself and with the
pushing and pushing myself and with the
pushing and pushing myself and with the help of social media was constantly
help of social media was constantly
help of social media was constantly comparing myself to other professionals
comparing myself to other professionals
comparing myself to other professionals out there other mothers other families
out there other mothers other families
out there other mothers other families and checking to see if I was measuring
and checking to see if I was measuring
and checking to see if I was measuring up and I wanted to make everything as
up and I wanted to make everything as
up and I wanted to make everything as great and as wonderful as it could be
great and as wonderful as it could be
great and as wonderful as it could be and so at the same time my wife is
and so at the same time my wife is
and so at the same time my wife is making these comparisons with social
making these comparisons with social
making these comparisons with social media I didn’t need social media to tell
media I didn’t need social media to tell
media I didn’t need social media to tell me that my life was pretty awesome
me that my life was pretty awesome
me that my life was pretty awesome I had everything really that I thought I
I had everything really that I thought I
I had everything really that I thought I wanted and knew that I wanted which was
wanted and knew that I wanted which was
wanted and knew that I wanted which was a great family two beautiful girls
a great family two beautiful girls
a great family two beautiful girls my daughters my wife and and I had a
my daughters my wife and and I had a
my daughters my wife and and I had a career that I loved and so I didn’t need
career that I loved and so I didn’t need
career that I loved and so I didn’t need to make these comparisons so the whole
to make these comparisons so the whole
to make these comparisons so the whole time where I thought everything was
time where I thought everything was
time where I thought everything was going just fine I didn’t realize that my
going just fine I didn’t realize that my
going just fine I didn’t realize that my wife was continuously looking at some
wife was continuously looking at some
wife was continuously looking at some sort of imaginary benchmark that had
sort of imaginary benchmark that had
sort of imaginary benchmark that had been set the truth is as much as I
been set the truth is as much as I
been set the truth is as much as I wanted everything to be perfect in my
wanted everything to be perfect in my
wanted everything to be perfect in my life it wasn’t something that was truly
life it wasn’t something that was truly
life it wasn’t something that was truly attainable I couldn’t be the best at
attainable I couldn’t be the best at
attainable I couldn’t be the best at everything some things I had to give a
everything some things I had to give a
everything some things I had to give a little bit and it was really hard for me
little bit and it was really hard for me
little bit and it was really hard for me so I began to almost
so I began to almost
so I began to almost act out my life I began to portray this
act out my life I began to portray this
act out my life I began to portray this person that I really wasn’t and it was
person that I really wasn’t and it was
person that I really wasn’t and it was exhausting for me all day I tried to
exhausting for me all day I tried to
exhausting for me all day I tried to pretend that I was really happy really
pretend that I was really happy really
pretend that I was really happy really enjoying everything that I was doing I
enjoying everything that I was doing I
enjoying everything that I was doing I had to pretend that I wasn’t feeling
had to pretend that I wasn’t feeling
had to pretend that I wasn’t feeling overwhelmed that I was handling
overwhelmed that I was handling
overwhelmed that I was handling everything I was constantly taking on
everything I was constantly taking on
everything I was constantly taking on more and more and more because I thought
more and more and more because I thought
more and more and more because I thought that’s what I should be doing I thought
that’s what I should be doing I thought
that’s what I should be doing I thought that’s what all the other people my age
that’s what all the other people my age
that’s what all the other people my age were doing we say yes to everything we
were doing we say yes to everything we
were doing we say yes to everything we do everything that we can and I was
do everything that we can and I was
do everything that we can and I was really starting to burn out and so what
really starting to burn out and so what
really starting to burn out and so what would happen on a regular basis is you
would happen on a regular basis is you
would happen on a regular basis is you know at home at night I’d look over on
know at home at night I’d look over on
know at home at night I’d look over on the couch after the kids were in bed and
the couch after the kids were in bed and
the couch after the kids were in bed and I would say you know do you want to
I would say you know do you want to
I would say you know do you want to watch a you know well we’re not going to
watch a you know well we’re not going to
watch a you know well we’re not going to watch anything because she was sleeping
watch anything because she was sleeping
watch anything because she was sleeping and then on the way to work when we were
and then on the way to work when we were
and then on the way to work when we were drive to work together that was often
drive to work together that was often
drive to work together that was often times where we would we would you know
times where we would we would you know
times where we would we would you know talk about things and now instead of
talk about things and now instead of
talk about things and now instead of talking about our days ahead I I would
talking about our days ahead I I would
talking about our days ahead I I would catch her you know taking a quick nap
catch her you know taking a quick nap
catch her you know taking a quick nap and I began to wonder what’s changed and
and I began to wonder what’s changed and
and I began to wonder what’s changed and so maybe you know she not love me
so maybe you know she not love me
so maybe you know she not love me anymore what what has happened and so
anymore what what has happened and so
anymore what what has happened and so the whole time where I’m trying to
the whole time where I’m trying to
the whole time where I’m trying to figure these things out I didn’t know
figure these things out I didn’t know
figure these things out I didn’t know that she was so exhausted from really
that she was so exhausted from really
that she was so exhausted from really pretending about how things were going I
pretending about how things were going I
pretending about how things were going I didn’t realize how difficult things had
didn’t realize how difficult things had
didn’t realize how difficult things had become until there’s one specific moment
become until there’s one specific moment
become until there’s one specific moment that I can remember very clearly Adams a
that I can remember very clearly Adams a
that I can remember very clearly Adams a volleyball coach my husband and his team
volleyball coach my husband and his team
volleyball coach my husband and his team was having a really great season so they
was having a really great season so they
was having a really great season so they were doing great in the section and they
were doing great in the section and they
were doing great in the section and they had made it to the would be old
had made it to the would be old
had made it to the would be old championship game and it happened to be
championship game and it happened to be
championship game and it happened to be a home game which meant that I was able
a home game which meant that I was able
a home game which meant that I was able to go and I wanted to play that role of
to go and I wanted to play that role of
to go and I wanted to play that role of being the supporting wife great mother
being the supporting wife great mother
being the supporting wife great mother so I brought my two little girls with me
so I brought my two little girls with me
so I brought my two little girls with me our youngest was one years old the other
our youngest was one years old the other
our youngest was one years old the other one was three so they were a lot to
one was three so they were a lot to
one was three so they were a lot to manage and so I packed up the bags of
manage and so I packed up the bags of
manage and so I packed up the bags of snacks and drinks and we were ready to
snacks and drinks and we were ready to
snacks and drinks and we were ready to go support the team and support their
go support the team and support their
go support the team and support their dad and so we went and
dad and so we went and
dad and so we went and honestly I didn’t see any of the game I
honestly I didn’t see any of the game I
honestly I didn’t see any of the game I was so busy taking care of the girls and
was so busy taking care of the girls and
was so busy taking care of the girls and so I was there but at the same time I
so I was there but at the same time I
so I was there but at the same time I wasn’t I tried to be present I tried to
wasn’t I tried to be present I tried to
wasn’t I tried to be present I tried to experience that moment and they ended up
experience that moment and they ended up
experience that moment and they ended up winning and so the entire gym was just
winning and so the entire gym was just
winning and so the entire gym was just in this roar of excitement and here I
in this roar of excitement and here I
in this roar of excitement and here I was trying to keep track of my daughters
was trying to keep track of my daughters
was trying to keep track of my daughters we quickly tried to find Adam my husband
we quickly tried to find Adam my husband
we quickly tried to find Adam my husband the girls gave me quick hugs it was way
the girls gave me quick hugs it was way
the girls gave me quick hugs it was way past that time and so we left kind of in
past that time and so we left kind of in
past that time and so we left kind of in a rush and the girls started crying
a rush and the girls started crying
a rush and the girls started crying because they never liked leaving their
because they never liked leaving their
because they never liked leaving their dad behind they like it best when we’re
dad behind they like it best when we’re
dad behind they like it best when we’re all together so I had them in the car I
all together so I had them in the car I
all together so I had them in the car I was buckling them in there both
was buckling them in there both
was buckling them in there both screaming and crying it had been a long
screaming and crying it had been a long
screaming and crying it had been a long day and as we were driving down 51 I
day and as we were driving down 51 I
day and as we were driving down 51 I burst into tears
burst into tears
burst into tears so that the girls are crying I was
so that the girls are crying I was
so that the girls are crying I was crying and I just had this moment where
crying and I just had this moment where
crying and I just had this moment where I felt like I can’t do this anymore
I felt like I can’t do this anymore
I felt like I can’t do this anymore I can’t pretend to be managing all of
I can’t pretend to be managing all of
I can’t pretend to be managing all of these things that I really felt like I
these things that I really felt like I
these things that I really felt like I wasn’t doing well with them at all and
wasn’t doing well with them at all and
wasn’t doing well with them at all and so in that moment with all three of us
so in that moment with all three of us
so in that moment with all three of us crying in the car I thought to myself if
crying in the car I thought to myself if
crying in the car I thought to myself if I can just get home I can just get both
I can just get home I can just get both
I can just get home I can just get both of the girls into bed tuck them in get
of the girls into bed tuck them in get
of the girls into bed tuck them in get them to sleep I could go into my bedroom
them to sleep I could go into my bedroom
them to sleep I could go into my bedroom and just die and so at the exact same
and just die and so at the exact same
and just die and so at the exact same time that I was experiencing really some
time that I was experiencing really some
time that I was experiencing really some of the ultimate professional joys that
of the ultimate professional joys that
of the ultimate professional joys that I’ve ever had in terms of coaching my
I’ve ever had in terms of coaching my
I’ve ever had in terms of coaching my wife is at home it really one of the
wife is at home it really one of the
wife is at home it really one of the lowest points of her life and I didn’t
lowest points of her life and I didn’t
lowest points of her life and I didn’t know so I’m very excited I’m ready to
know so I’m very excited I’m ready to
know so I’m very excited I’m ready to continue this volleyball season I don’t
continue this volleyball season I don’t
continue this volleyball season I don’t know anything that’s happening at home
know anything that’s happening at home
know anything that’s happening at home and when I try to talk to her she’s
and when I try to talk to her she’s
and when I try to talk to her she’s excited for me but at the same time
excited for me but at the same time
excited for me but at the same time there was this very very dark cloud
there was this very very dark cloud
there was this very very dark cloud hanging over top of her that we just
hanging over top of her that we just
hanging over top of her that we just didn’t share
didn’t share
didn’t share that wasn’t the first time that I had
that wasn’t the first time that I had
that wasn’t the first time that I had suicidal thoughts on something that had
suicidal thoughts on something that had
suicidal thoughts on something that had been part of my adult life but what was
been part of my adult life but what was
been part of my adult life but what was horrifying and disappointing to me is
horrifying and disappointing to me is
horrifying and disappointing to me is that I was considering leaving these two
that I was considering leaving these two
that I was considering leaving these two babies without a mom and so it was
babies without a mom and so it was
babies without a mom and so it was incredibly disappointed in myself the
incredibly disappointed in myself the
incredibly disappointed in myself the fact that that thought had crept into my
fact that that thought had crept into my
fact that that thought had crept into my mind sickened me and as a result I was
mind sickened me and as a result I was
mind sickened me and as a result I was even harder on myself I felt like this
even harder on myself I felt like this
even harder on myself I felt like this huge failure and so I pushed harder and
huge failure and so I pushed harder and
huge failure and so I pushed harder and harder and harder to do better to
harder and harder to do better to
harder and harder to do better to pretend to be everything that I thought
pretend to be everything that I thought
pretend to be everything that I thought I was supposed to be and that was
I was supposed to be and that was
I was supposed to be and that was overwhelming and completely exhausting
overwhelming and completely exhausting
overwhelming and completely exhausting and so instead of being this great mom
and so instead of being this great mom
and so instead of being this great mom that I wanted to be I think I did pretty
that I wanted to be I think I did pretty
that I wanted to be I think I did pretty good acting through the school day and
good acting through the school day and
good acting through the school day and pretending that I was fine there but
pretending that I was fine there but
pretending that I was fine there but when I came home I had nothing left in
when I came home I had nothing left in
when I came home I had nothing left in me and so I was sleeping a lot
me and so I was sleeping a lot
me and so I was sleeping a lot and so now I would you know it was
and so now I would you know it was
and so now I would you know it was getting to the point where it became
getting to the point where it became
getting to the point where it became frustrating and I would say why are you
frustrating and I would say why are you
frustrating and I would say why are you so tired all the time you come home from
so tired all the time you come home from
so tired all the time you come home from school you take a nap we you know play
school you take a nap we you know play
school you take a nap we you know play with the kids for a little bit and then
with the kids for a little bit and then
with the kids for a little bit and then right as they go to bed you go to bed
right as they go to bed you go to bed
right as they go to bed you go to bed and so it was during this period of time
and so it was during this period of time
and so it was during this period of time where we started to drift a little bit
where we started to drift a little bit
where we started to drift a little bit more and again it was because I didn’t
more and again it was because I didn’t
more and again it was because I didn’t know everything that was happening and
know everything that was happening and
know everything that was happening and because I didn’t know I wasn’t able to
because I didn’t know I wasn’t able to
because I didn’t know I wasn’t able to be truly understanding of the things
be truly understanding of the things
be truly understanding of the things that my wife was in need of after
that my wife was in need of after
that my wife was in need of after finally talking to Adam about that night
finally talking to Adam about that night
finally talking to Adam about that night of the would-be Olympian ship game and
of the would-be Olympian ship game and
of the would-be Olympian ship game and the thoughts that were going through my
the thoughts that were going through my
the thoughts that were going through my head I was lucky to have a really
head I was lucky to have a really
head I was lucky to have a really supportive husband because he did
supportive husband because he did
supportive husband because he did everything that he could to rearrange
everything that he could to rearrange
everything that he could to rearrange our schedules to give me some time to
our schedules to give me some time to
our schedules to give me some time to myself so that I could try to figure out
myself so that I could try to figure out
myself so that I could try to figure out who I was again and what roles I wanted
who I was again and what roles I wanted
who I was again and what roles I wanted to play and what I could handle but it
to play and what I could handle but it
to play and what I could handle but it seemed like no matter what we tried to
seemed like no matter what we tried to
seemed like no matter what we tried to do no matter how much free time I had no
do no matter how much free time I had no
do no matter how much free time I had no matter how much support he gave me I
matter how much support he gave me I
matter how much support he gave me I just couldn’t get myself to where I
just couldn’t get myself to where I
just couldn’t get myself to where I wanted to be I just wasn’t enjoying
wanted to be I just wasn’t enjoying
wanted to be I just wasn’t enjoying things I wasn’t
things I wasn’t
things I wasn’t happy just didn’t feel like myself and
happy just didn’t feel like myself and
happy just didn’t feel like myself and it wasn’t until almost two years later
it wasn’t until almost two years later
it wasn’t until almost two years later actually this past summer where I was
actually this past summer where I was
actually this past summer where I was watching TV and a commercial came on
watching TV and a commercial came on
watching TV and a commercial came on about depression and at the end there
about depression and at the end there
about depression and at the end there was a little thing about taking an
was a little thing about taking an
was a little thing about taking an online quiz and thought to myself well I
online quiz and thought to myself well I
online quiz and thought to myself well I can take the quiz that doesn’t mean
can take the quiz that doesn’t mean
can take the quiz that doesn’t mean anything and so I took one quiz I took
anything and so I took one quiz I took
anything and so I took one quiz I took another and it took another and all of
another and it took another and all of
another and it took another and all of them came back that I was moderately
them came back that I was moderately
them came back that I was moderately depressed and that really wasn’t a shock
depressed and that really wasn’t a shock
depressed and that really wasn’t a shock to me I already knew that but it was
to me I already knew that but it was
to me I already knew that but it was hard for me to look at those words and
hard for me to look at those words and
hard for me to look at those words and finally acknowledge that yes I had a
finally acknowledge that yes I had a
finally acknowledge that yes I had a problem and even after taking those
problem and even after taking those
problem and even after taking those quizzes in admitting to myself that I
quizzes in admitting to myself that I
quizzes in admitting to myself that I was depressed it was really hard for me
was depressed it was really hard for me
was depressed it was really hard for me to make the phone call to my my regular
to make the phone call to my my regular
to make the phone call to my my regular doctor to go and talk to them because I
doctor to go and talk to them because I
doctor to go and talk to them because I just felt so ashamed of myself um
just felt so ashamed of myself um
just felt so ashamed of myself um but with the support of my husband I
but with the support of my husband I
but with the support of my husband I eventually did make that phone call and
finding that courage to go to the
finding that courage to go to the doctors was hard but I did it and as
doctors was hard but I did it and as
doctors was hard but I did it and as soon as I started talking to the nurse
soon as I started talking to the nurse
soon as I started talking to the nurse I’m kind of checking in and then to my
I’m kind of checking in and then to my
I’m kind of checking in and then to my doctor I felt totally normal in those
doctor I felt totally normal in those
doctor I felt totally normal in those conversations I realized that there are
conversations I realized that there are
conversations I realized that there are so many people who are struggling with
so many people who are struggling with
so many people who are struggling with different things in their lives so not
different things in their lives so not
different things in their lives so not every story is the same amount as mine
every story is the same amount as mine
every story is the same amount as mine but there are solutions to a lot of
but there are solutions to a lot of
but there are solutions to a lot of those problems and I’m so thankful that
those problems and I’m so thankful that
those problems and I’m so thankful that I finally went and got treatment and was
I finally went and got treatment and was
I finally went and got treatment and was able to start feeling like me again
able to start feeling like me again
able to start feeling like me again was able to start enjoying my life again
was able to start enjoying my life again
was able to start enjoying my life again and it was it at this point after our
and it was it at this point after our
and it was it at this point after our conversation you know about really where
conversation you know about really where
conversation you know about really where you know she was at that I said you can
you know she was at that I said you can
you know she was at that I said you can have as much time as you need the the
have as much time as you need the the
have as much time as you need the the time that you need now is not nearly as
time that you need now is not nearly as
time that you need now is not nearly as important as the time that we can all
important as the time that we can all
important as the time that we can all spend together in the future so going to
spend together in the future so going to
spend together in the future so going to actually talk to the doctor and figure
actually talk to the doctor and figure
actually talk to the doctor and figure out certain things was very important
out certain things was very important
out certain things was very important and so that was part of the beginnings
and so that was part of the beginnings
and so that was part of the beginnings of opening up the communication and
of opening up the communication and
of opening up the communication and talking that as stigmatized as it is
talking that as stigmatized as it is
talking that as stigmatized as it is sometimes
sometimes
sometimes to talk about depression it is actually
to talk about depression it is actually
to talk about depression it is actually one of the most beneficial things you
one of the most beneficial things you
one of the most beneficial things you can do to help to get rid of it or help
can do to help to get rid of it or help
can do to help to get rid of it or help to alleviate the problem I really
to alleviate the problem I really
to alleviate the problem I really wrestled with the idea of whether or not
wrestled with the idea of whether or not
wrestled with the idea of whether or not I wanted to do this TED talk about
I wanted to do this TED talk about
I wanted to do this TED talk about depression and suicide because it’s just
depression and suicide because it’s just
depression and suicide because it’s just something that we don’t talk about and I
something that we don’t talk about and I
something that we don’t talk about and I think that should change I think we
think that should change I think we
think that should change I think we should be able to have open
should be able to have open
should be able to have open conversations about how we’re feeling
conversations about how we’re feeling
conversations about how we’re feeling and what we’re thinking and not feel
and what we’re thinking and not feel
and what we’re thinking and not feel judged for it because there are so many
judged for it because there are so many
judged for it because there are so many people who are going through their own
people who are going through their own
people who are going through their own personal battles and struggles and I
personal battles and struggles and I
personal battles and struggles and I wish that I had talked to sooner whether
wish that I had talked to sooner whether
wish that I had talked to sooner whether it was just to my husband or to a doctor
it was just to my husband or to a doctor
it was just to my husband or to a doctor or anybody who could have pointed me in
or anybody who could have pointed me in
or anybody who could have pointed me in the right direction because I really
the right direction because I really
the right direction because I really hate that I wasted over four years of my
hate that I wasted over four years of my
hate that I wasted over four years of my life feeling miserable when there was a
life feeling miserable when there was a
life feeling miserable when there was a solution right there the whole time and
solution right there the whole time and
solution right there the whole time and so prior to to this whole experience
so prior to to this whole experience
so prior to to this whole experience within my own family I always thought
within my own family I always thought
within my own family I always thought that depression you know wasn’t a real
that depression you know wasn’t a real
that depression you know wasn’t a real thing that maybe the the right thing to
thing that maybe the the right thing to
thing that maybe the the right thing to do for depression was to get someone a
do for depression was to get someone a
do for depression was to get someone a puppy and let them just kind of be happy
puppy and let them just kind of be happy
puppy and let them just kind of be happy and then it would all just go away but
and then it would all just go away but
and then it would all just go away but what I’ve learned is that that’s not
what I’ve learned is that that’s not
what I’ve learned is that that’s not really the case that sometimes you know
really the case that sometimes you know
really the case that sometimes you know your body just stops making certain
your body just stops making certain
your body just stops making certain things that you need to feel happy it
things that you need to feel happy it
things that you need to feel happy it would be like saying if you’re going to
would be like saying if you’re going to
would be like saying if you’re going to give a cancer patient you know a puppy
give a cancer patient you know a puppy
give a cancer patient you know a puppy to cure cancer it doesn’t work and so
to cure cancer it doesn’t work and so
to cure cancer it doesn’t work and so the keys here are to you know seek help
the keys here are to you know seek help
the keys here are to you know seek help when you need it and my wife and I’ve
when you need it and my wife and I’ve
when you need it and my wife and I’ve talked about this you know that you know
talked about this you know that you know
talked about this you know that you know losing four years and we don’t really
losing four years and we don’t really
losing four years and we don’t really consider them lost but maybe they were
consider them lost but maybe they were
consider them lost but maybe they were four years that could have been better
four years that could have been better
four years that could have been better that could have been more open that
that could have been more open that
that could have been more open that could have been more joyous and happy
could have been more joyous and happy
could have been more joyous and happy especially for her but to to look back
especially for her but to to look back
especially for her but to to look back on those four years what’s more
on those four years what’s more
on those four years what’s more important are the years ahead and the
important are the years ahead and the
important are the years ahead and the keys to this is talking and to being
keys to this is talking and to being
keys to this is talking and to being open and to not feeling ashamed or
open and to not feeling ashamed or
open and to not feeling ashamed or wanting to hide the feelings that you
wanting to hide the feelings that you
wanting to hide the feelings that you have inside thank you
”
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