[Music] you
honestly I’m on stage a lot but I feel
honestly I’m on stage a lot but I feel completely out of my element right now
completely out of my element right now
completely out of my element right now I’m just gonna be vulnerable with you
I’m just gonna be vulnerable with you
I’m just gonna be vulnerable with you right here I’m not a professor or a
right here I’m not a professor or a
right here I’m not a professor or a physicist or a founder or expert at
physicist or a founder or expert at
physicist or a founder or expert at anything like most of the other speakers
anything like most of the other speakers
anything like most of the other speakers you’re gonna hear today in fact I barely
you’re gonna hear today in fact I barely
you’re gonna hear today in fact I barely graduated with a bachelor’s degree last
graduated with a bachelor’s degree last
graduated with a bachelor’s degree last week I had a recurring stress dream
week I had a recurring stress dream
week I had a recurring stress dream about a surprise midterm I am 34 years
about a surprise midterm I am 34 years
about a surprise midterm I am 34 years old something is terribly wrong
old something is terribly wrong
old something is terribly wrong something’s always been kind of wrong in
something’s always been kind of wrong in
something’s always been kind of wrong in my head I felt that all my life I think
my head I felt that all my life I think
my head I felt that all my life I think that’s why I talk so much because I’m
that’s why I talk so much because I’m
that’s why I talk so much because I’m always like I’m just really trying to
always like I’m just really trying to
always like I’m just really trying to process what I’m experiencing out loud
process what I’m experiencing out loud
process what I’m experiencing out loud when I was young I talked so much
when I was young I talked so much
when I was young I talked so much my grandmother predicted that I would be
my grandmother predicted that I would be
my grandmother predicted that I would be a preacher my mom predicted that I would
a preacher my mom predicted that I would
a preacher my mom predicted that I would be a lawyer I ended up becoming a
be a lawyer I ended up becoming a
be a lawyer I ended up becoming a comedian my entire family emigrated from
comedian my entire family emigrated from
comedian my entire family emigrated from Korea just so that one day me Peter Som
Korea just so that one day me Peter Som
Korea just so that one day me Peter Som and Kim would get paid with free beers
and Kim would get paid with free beers
and Kim would get paid with free beers domestic ones only I used to get paid
domestic ones only I used to get paid
domestic ones only I used to get paid real money from to perform at the Second
real money from to perform at the Second
real money from to perform at the Second City but I left last October and now I’m
City but I left last October and now I’m
City but I left last October and now I’m really regretting it because health
really regretting it because health
really regretting it because health insurance is dope as hell I wasn’t
insurance is dope as hell I wasn’t
insurance is dope as hell I wasn’t always a comedian before that I was a
always a comedian before that I was a
always a comedian before that I was a small business owner and before that I
small business owner and before that I
small business owner and before that I worked as at Yahoo as a data strategist
worked as at Yahoo as a data strategist
worked as at Yahoo as a data strategist which is just a fancy term for overpaid
which is just a fancy term for overpaid
which is just a fancy term for overpaid spreadsheet guy eight years ago I found
spreadsheet guy eight years ago I found
spreadsheet guy eight years ago I found comedy at the lowest point in my life I
comedy at the lowest point in my life I
comedy at the lowest point in my life I I in that way I feel like comedy and
I in that way I feel like comedy and
I in that way I feel like comedy and church is for the same types of broken
church is for the same types of broken
church is for the same types of broken people
people
people you never hear a well-adjusted person
you never hear a well-adjusted person
you never hear a well-adjusted person say I’m gonna take an improv class today
say I’m gonna take an improv class today
say I’m gonna take an improv class today honestly I found comedy way before 2009
honestly I found comedy way before 2009
honestly I found comedy way before 2009 as a chubby closeted gay Korean boy
as a chubby closeted gay Korean boy
as a chubby closeted gay Korean boy raised by fundamental Christian
raised by fundamental Christian
raised by fundamental Christian Christian immigrants I often felt very
Christian immigrants I often felt very
Christian immigrants I often felt very vulnerable in my life
vulnerable in my life
vulnerable in my life and
and
and within a deficit of power but at an
within a deficit of power but at an
within a deficit of power but at an early age I learned that comedy was a
early age I learned that comedy was a
early age I learned that comedy was a tool I could employ to feel a sense of
tool I could employ to feel a sense of
tool I could employ to feel a sense of control over the chaos Gilda Radner as
control over the chaos Gilda Radner as
control over the chaos Gilda Radner as you guys all know SNL alum original
you guys all know SNL alum original
you guys all know SNL alum original member so poignant Lee once said you
member so poignant Lee once said you
member so poignant Lee once said you feel completely in control when you hear
feel completely in control when you hear
feel completely in control when you hear a wave of laughter coming back at you
a wave of laughter coming back at you
a wave of laughter coming back at you that you have caused the power of comedy
that you have caused the power of comedy
that you have caused the power of comedy comes from embracing difficult truths
comes from embracing difficult truths
comes from embracing difficult truths about ourselves and our world in the
about ourselves and our world in the
about ourselves and our world in the least painful way possible it’s knowing
least painful way possible it’s knowing
least painful way possible it’s knowing that a wily coyote will survive the
that a wily coyote will survive the
that a wily coyote will survive the devastating fall off yet another cliff
devastating fall off yet another cliff
devastating fall off yet another cliff it’s a sense of safety I first learned
it’s a sense of safety I first learned
it’s a sense of safety I first learned about this guy Abraham Maslow in psych
about this guy Abraham Maslow in psych
about this guy Abraham Maslow in psych 101 a class I almost failed due to a
101 a class I almost failed due to a
101 a class I almost failed due to a super-cute period in my life I was
super-cute period in my life I was
super-cute period in my life I was drinking a lot because I I just didn’t
drinking a lot because I I just didn’t
drinking a lot because I I just didn’t understand how to process freedom and
understand how to process freedom and
understand how to process freedom and this period is when that stretched
this period is when that stretched
this period is when that stretched stream is from by the way Maslow if I’m
stream is from by the way Maslow if I’m
stream is from by the way Maslow if I’m remembering correctly was an American
remembering correctly was an American
remembering correctly was an American psychologist from the 40s who explained
psychologist from the 40s who explained
psychologist from the 40s who explained human behavior through motivation being
human behavior through motivation being
human behavior through motivation being from a culty fundamental Christian
from a culty fundamental Christian
from a culty fundamental Christian background I’ve always been obsessed
background I’ve always been obsessed
background I’ve always been obsessed with two things first thing figuring out
with two things first thing figuring out
with two things first thing figuring out why we do what we do and the second
why we do what we do and the second
why we do what we do and the second thing the Christian rock band jars of
thing the Christian rock band jars of
thing the Christian rock band jars of clay they really rocked Maslow’s iconic
clay they really rocked Maslow’s iconic
clay they really rocked Maslow’s iconic hierarchy of needs explains how we have
hierarchy of needs explains how we have
hierarchy of needs explains how we have how we behave based on meeting certain
how we behave based on meeting certain
how we behave based on meeting certain needs in different levels like basic
needs in different levels like basic
needs in different levels like basic physiological needs to safety to
physiological needs to safety to
physiological needs to safety to belonging to esteem and to the highest
belonging to esteem and to the highest
belonging to esteem and to the highest level self-actualization my first
level self-actualization my first
level self-actualization my first experience with comedy came from this
experience with comedy came from this
experience with comedy came from this this basic level of safety I grew up in
this basic level of safety I grew up in
this basic level of safety I grew up in Flushing Queens with cousins aunts and
Flushing Queens with cousins aunts and
Flushing Queens with cousins aunts and uncles all living on top of each other
uncles all living on top of each other
uncles all living on top of each other in the same apartment building like most
in the same apartment building like most
in the same apartment building like most old-world Koreans my family was very
old-world Koreans my family was very
old-world Koreans my family was very stoic never showed any emotions
stoic never showed any emotions
stoic never showed any emotions much less talked about them and I was
much less talked about them and I was
much less talked about them and I was really difficult for me because as I
really difficult for me because as I
really difficult for me because as I mentioned before I just love to talk
mentioned before I just love to talk
mentioned before I just love to talk talk talk
talk talk
talk talk and when I left for college I forced my
and when I left for college I forced my
and when I left for college I forced my mom to hug me and it’s the most awkward
mom to hug me and it’s the most awkward
mom to hug me and it’s the most awkward thing we’ve ever done
thing we’ve ever done
thing we’ve ever done my dad on the other hand was a very
my dad on the other hand was a very
my dad on the other hand was a very expressive man but he only had two
expressive man but he only had two
expressive man but he only had two speeds funny and hot Korean rage he was
speeds funny and hot Korean rage he was
speeds funny and hot Korean rage he was like your classic alcoholic abusive
like your classic alcoholic abusive
like your classic alcoholic abusive father but he never drank alcohol
father but he never drank alcohol
father but he never drank alcohol instead he drank self-pity and shade has
instead he drank self-pity and shade has
instead he drank self-pity and shade has anyone in here read a Malcolm Gladwell’s
anyone in here read a Malcolm Gladwell’s
anyone in here read a Malcolm Gladwell’s book Blanc the power of thinking without
book Blanc the power of thinking without
book Blanc the power of thinking without thinking yes okay great
thinking yes okay great
thinking yes okay great I don’t read because it makes me sleepy
I don’t read because it makes me sleepy
I don’t read because it makes me sleepy and I think there are more efficient
and I think there are more efficient
and I think there are more efficient ways to process information so I
ways to process information so I
ways to process information so I listened to his audiobook but anyway in
listened to his audiobook but anyway in
listened to his audiobook but anyway in his book he writes about what I knew
his book he writes about what I knew
his book he writes about what I knew instinctively as a young child that when
instinctively as a young child that when
instinctively as a young child that when you grow up with a abusive parent you
you grow up with a abusive parent you
you grow up with a abusive parent you learn to quickly read the situation and
learn to quickly read the situation and
learn to quickly read the situation and whether it’s the tension in the room or
whether it’s the tension in the room or
whether it’s the tension in the room or the micro expressions on your father’s
the micro expressions on your father’s
the micro expressions on your father’s face you have to be ready to pivot and
face you have to be ready to pivot and
face you have to be ready to pivot and find safety at any given moment I got so
find safety at any given moment I got so
find safety at any given moment I got so good at reading my father’s explosive
good at reading my father’s explosive
good at reading my father’s explosive rage split seconds before he even felt
rage split seconds before he even felt
rage split seconds before he even felt them when he got angry
them when he got angry
them when he got angry his eyes were narrow his upper lips
his eyes were narrow his upper lips
his eyes were narrow his upper lips curled and he showed his teeth and this
curled and he showed his teeth and this
curled and he showed his teeth and this was the cue for me to make a funny face
was the cue for me to make a funny face
was the cue for me to make a funny face or say something non sequitur
or say something non sequitur
or say something non sequitur purposefully lowering my status to play
purposefully lowering my status to play
purposefully lowering my status to play the fool to his king I automatically
the fool to his king I automatically
the fool to his king I automatically injected status into my father and
injected status into my father and
injected status into my father and through practice I became an expert at
through practice I became an expert at
through practice I became an expert at flipping the status in order to
flipping the status in order to
flipping the status in order to temporarily find safety now safety is an
temporarily find safety now safety is an
temporarily find safety now safety is an integral part of why we laugh if we
integral part of why we laugh if we
integral part of why we laugh if we don’t assume the safety of the
don’t assume the safety of the
don’t assume the safety of the individual subject that’s being laughed
individual subject that’s being laughed
individual subject that’s being laughed at it’s difficult for us to enjoy their
at it’s difficult for us to enjoy their
at it’s difficult for us to enjoy their failure when people shout the phrase too
failure when people shout the phrase too
failure when people shout the phrase too soon it’s an audience’s way of saying I
soon it’s an audience’s way of saying I
soon it’s an audience’s way of saying I don’t feel safe with this joke safety is
don’t feel safe with this joke safety is
don’t feel safe with this joke safety is the key factor
the key factor
the key factor the old adage comedy equals tragedy plus
the old adage comedy equals tragedy plus
the old adage comedy equals tragedy plus time we are assuming that time healed
time we are assuming that time healed
time we are assuming that time healed all wounds and that we have fully
all wounds and that we have fully
all wounds and that we have fully processed the tragedy providing us a
processed the tragedy providing us a
processed the tragedy providing us a safe and distance perspective allowing
safe and distance perspective allowing
safe and distance perspective allowing us to laugh my father passed away in
us to laugh my father passed away in
us to laugh my father passed away in 2014 many many years after we stopped
2014 many many years after we stopped
2014 many many years after we stopped speaking when he died my mom called me
speaking when he died my mom called me
speaking when he died my mom called me on the phone and said Peter you have to
on the phone and said Peter you have to
on the phone and said Peter you have to go to his funeral and I was like no I’m
go to his funeral and I was like no I’m
go to his funeral and I was like no I’m not going I don’t what you go to his
not going I don’t what you go to his
not going I don’t what you go to his funeral
funeral
funeral and she was like no you go to his
and she was like no you go to his
and she was like no you go to his funeral it’s like what are we doing huh
funeral it’s like what are we doing huh
funeral it’s like what are we doing huh I hated this guy we hated this guy why
I hated this guy we hated this guy why
I hated this guy we hated this guy why should I go to his funeral and she said
should I go to his funeral and she said
should I go to his funeral and she said you have to go to his funeral and make
you have to go to his funeral and make
you have to go to his funeral and make sure he’s dead thank you for laughing
sure he’s dead thank you for laughing
sure he’s dead thank you for laughing because you laughed it’s easier for you
because you laughed it’s easier for you
because you laughed it’s easier for you to accept what’s happened and we can all
to accept what’s happened and we can all
to accept what’s happened and we can all move on because you assume that I have
move on because you assume that I have
move on because you assume that I have as well we collectively just experienced
as well we collectively just experienced
as well we collectively just experienced a moment of vulnerability and
a moment of vulnerability and
a moment of vulnerability and powerlessness but with a joke we have
powerlessness but with a joke we have
powerlessness but with a joke we have regained status quo we have returned to
regained status quo we have returned to
regained status quo we have returned to homeostasis we’re safe again once we
homeostasis we’re safe again once we
homeostasis we’re safe again once we have achieved basic safety we can move
have achieved basic safety we can move
have achieved basic safety we can move on to the next stage belonging I was an
on to the next stage belonging I was an
on to the next stage belonging I was an angry little closeted gay boy who
angry little closeted gay boy who
angry little closeted gay boy who obsessively read fantasy books and
obsessively read fantasy books and
obsessively read fantasy books and thought I was smarter than everyone else
thought I was smarter than everyone else
thought I was smarter than everyone else so ho making friends that weren’t my
so ho making friends that weren’t my
so ho making friends that weren’t my first cousins was impossible it didn’t
first cousins was impossible it didn’t
first cousins was impossible it didn’t help that I played Advanced Dungeons &
help that I played Advanced Dungeons &
help that I played Advanced Dungeons & Dragons and made sure everyone knew that
Dragons and made sure everyone knew that
Dragons and made sure everyone knew that it was advanced nobody ever asked my
it was advanced nobody ever asked my
it was advanced nobody ever asked my family was like ATS immigrant poor which
family was like ATS immigrant poor which
family was like ATS immigrant poor which meant that our fridge consisted of spam
meant that our fridge consisted of spam
meant that our fridge consisted of spam kimchi and a block of half heart and
kimchi and a block of half heart and
kimchi and a block of half heart and government cheese with two working
government cheese with two working
government cheese with two working parents and no money for nannies at a
parents and no money for nannies at a
parents and no money for nannies at a young age I was left home alone with a
young age I was left home alone with a
young age I was left home alone with a basic television package and a keyboard
basic television package and a keyboard
basic television package and a keyboard I got for my birthday after explicitly
I got for my birthday after explicitly
I got for my birthday after explicitly asking for a Nintendo Entertainment
asking for a Nintendo Entertainment
asking for a Nintendo Entertainment System my mom would be like you can make
System my mom would be like you can make
System my mom would be like you can make money as a pianist there’s no money in
money as a pianist there’s no money in
money as a pianist there’s no money in gaming how wrong she is now
gaming how wrong she is now
gaming how wrong she is now so I spent a lot of time watching
so I spent a lot of time watching
so I spent a lot of time watching cartoons and eating spicy cheesy spam
cartoons and eating spicy cheesy spam
cartoons and eating spicy cheesy spam and got really really fat like my
and got really really fat like my
and got really really fat like my nipples exploded and I developed asthma
nipples exploded and I developed asthma
nipples exploded and I developed asthma and my pediatrician looked at my
and my pediatrician looked at my
and my pediatrician looked at my cholesterol levels and said I was no
cholesterol levels and said I was no
cholesterol levels and said I was no longer sexy in middle school middle
longer sexy in middle school middle
longer sexy in middle school middle school is like a blurry mess for me all
school is like a blurry mess for me all
school is like a blurry mess for me all I remember is a basement party where I
I remember is a basement party where I
I remember is a basement party where I did not kiss anyone boys 2 men and a
did not kiss anyone boys 2 men and a
did not kiss anyone boys 2 men and a slam book I allowed Mean Girls and if it
slam book I allowed Mean Girls and if it
slam book I allowed Mean Girls and if it was the meanest things that I’ve ever
was the meanest things that I’ve ever
was the meanest things that I’ve ever read or wrote and by then my nipples
read or wrote and by then my nipples
read or wrote and by then my nipples became puffy and I developed like a
became puffy and I developed like a
became puffy and I developed like a humble a cup and like in middle school
humble a cup and like in middle school
humble a cup and like in middle school girls were like playing with their boobs
girls were like playing with their boobs
girls were like playing with their boobs because they were like oh I want to make
because they were like oh I want to make
because they were like oh I want to make my boobs bigger and I was like furiously
my boobs bigger and I was like furiously
my boobs bigger and I was like furiously doing push-ups to make them go away it
doing push-ups to make them go away it
doing push-ups to make them go away it did not help that I was also eating
did not help that I was also eating
did not help that I was also eating push-ups which is that old-school
push-ups which is that old-school
push-ups which is that old-school Flintstones push-up like push pop ice
Flintstones push-up like push pop ice
Flintstones push-up like push pop ice cream anyway they’re delicious and you
cream anyway they’re delicious and you
cream anyway they’re delicious and you can find him at with Degas and Pilsen a
can find him at with Degas and Pilsen a
can find him at with Degas and Pilsen a few years after that I went to the Bronx
few years after that I went to the Bronx
few years after that I went to the Bronx High School of Science a school so nerdy
High School of Science a school so nerdy
High School of Science a school so nerdy that it was 40% Asian Americans and like
that it was 40% Asian Americans and like
that it was 40% Asian Americans and like most subcultures the Asians in my school
most subcultures the Asians in my school
most subcultures the Asians in my school banded together to propagate social
banded together to propagate social
banded together to propagate social hierarchies provide protection and
hierarchies provide protection and
hierarchies provide protection and eventually friendship in exchange for
eventually friendship in exchange for
eventually friendship in exchange for mass humiliation and these weren’t the
mass humiliation and these weren’t the
mass humiliation and these weren’t the Asians I was used to like those Church
Asians I was used to like those Church
Asians I was used to like those Church Asians and Asians I saw on TV like
Asians and Asians I saw on TV like
Asians and Asians I saw on TV like Mickey Rooney this was a new breed of
Mickey Rooney this was a new breed of
Mickey Rooney this was a new breed of Asians he’s like I had never seen these
Asians he’s like I had never seen these
Asians he’s like I had never seen these type of Asians before they were leather
type of Asians before they were leather
type of Asians before they were leather jacket wearing shaved head long banged
jacket wearing shaved head long banged
jacket wearing shaved head long banged Tokyo drifting azn’s and they were they
Tokyo drifting azn’s and they were they
Tokyo drifting azn’s and they were they were smart they were cool and they were
were smart they were cool and they were
were smart they were cool and they were a little dangerous and all I ever wanted
a little dangerous and all I ever wanted
a little dangerous and all I ever wanted was to just burst out into a
was to just burst out into a
was to just burst out into a choreographed que a pig pop dance with
choreographed que a pig pop dance with
choreographed que a pig pop dance with them on the first snowfall the seniors
them on the first snowfall the seniors
them on the first snowfall the seniors herded the freshmen up to a hill called
herded the freshmen up to a hill called
herded the freshmen up to a hill called Harris field and lined us up one by one
Harris field and lined us up one by one
Harris field and lined us up one by one they stepped up stepped up and lied down
they stepped up stepped up and lied down
they stepped up stepped up and lied down on their backs and in front of two
on their backs and in front of two
on their backs and in front of two seniors who would grab the kit
seniors who would grab the kit
seniors who would grab the kit arms and legs respectively and then roll
arms and legs respectively and then roll
arms and legs respectively and then roll them down the hill but when I stepped up
them down the hill but when I stepped up
them down the hill but when I stepped up the seniors took one look at my pudgy
the seniors took one look at my pudgy
the seniors took one look at my pudgy pubescent body and said you were too fat
pubescent body and said you were too fat
pubescent body and said you were too fat roll yourself down the hill I was
roll yourself down the hill I was
roll yourself down the hill I was crushed I looked around at the other
crushed I looked around at the other
crushed I looked around at the other freshmen who avoided my gaze none of
freshmen who avoided my gaze none of
freshmen who avoided my gaze none of them dared to stand up for me and I felt
them dared to stand up for me and I felt
them dared to stand up for me and I felt completely powerless so I did the only
completely powerless so I did the only
completely powerless so I did the only thing I knew to do to make them laugh I
thing I knew to do to make them laugh I
thing I knew to do to make them laugh I tucked my head in between my legs and
tucked my head in between my legs and
tucked my head in between my legs and rolled headfirst down the hill like a
rolled headfirst down the hill like a
rolled headfirst down the hill like a complete maniac like I look like that
complete maniac like I look like that
complete maniac like I look like that kid thud but the character and hug the
kid thud but the character and hug the
kid thud but the character and hug the chubby black head you know what I’m
chubby black head you know what I’m
chubby black head you know what I’m talking about
talking about
talking about and it would go hook is a great movie
and it would go hook is a great movie
and it would go hook is a great movie the entire hill erupted with laughter
the entire hill erupted with laughter
the entire hill erupted with laughter everyone started pointing and cheering
everyone started pointing and cheering
everyone started pointing and cheering one of the other freshmen came out to be
one of the other freshmen came out to be
one of the other freshmen came out to be still laughing and said that was the
still laughing and said that was the
still laughing and said that was the funniest thing I have ever seen and
funniest thing I have ever seen and
funniest thing I have ever seen and after that day we became inseparable
after that day we became inseparable
after that day we became inseparable best friends until we went to separate
best friends until we went to separate
best friends until we went to separate colleges and now we no longer talk and
colleges and now we no longer talk and
colleges and now we no longer talk and I’m off Facebook so he could be dead
I’m off Facebook so he could be dead
I’m off Facebook so he could be dead [Music]
[Music]
[Music] that first week of high school I got to
that first week of high school I got to
that first week of high school I got to flip the status once again and
flip the status once again and
flip the status once again and controlled when people laughed at me and
controlled when people laughed at me and
controlled when people laughed at me and what they laughed at I assumed their
what they laughed at I assumed their
what they laughed at I assumed their point of view about me and instead of
point of view about me and instead of
point of view about me and instead of fighting it I played into it I think
fighting it I played into it I think
fighting it I played into it I think this is when I started to figure out
this is when I started to figure out
this is when I started to figure out that what it meant means to have
that what it meant means to have
that what it meant means to have confidence and self-worth I gave the
confidence and self-worth I gave the
confidence and self-worth I gave the self-worth is something I give myself
self-worth is something I give myself
self-worth is something I give myself versus what I allow others to play with
versus what I allow others to play with
versus what I allow others to play with someone’s thoughts about you is entirely
someone’s thoughts about you is entirely
someone’s thoughts about you is entirely about them a reliance and self-worth is
about them a reliance and self-worth is
about them a reliance and self-worth is what I felt change in me in high school
what I felt change in me in high school
what I felt change in me in high school that made other kids not only feel
that made other kids not only feel
that made other kids not only feel comfortable or being around me but made
comfortable or being around me but made
comfortable or being around me but made them feel good about themselves see that
them feel good about themselves see that
them feel good about themselves see that is the power of comedy it’s like a magic
is the power of comedy it’s like a magic
is the power of comedy it’s like a magic trick it’s the act of confidence amidst
trick it’s the act of confidence amidst
trick it’s the act of confidence amidst fear by leaning into your faults and
fear by leaning into your faults and
fear by leaning into your faults and vulnerabilities you are back in control
esteem the next level well this is a
esteem the next level well this is a tough one most of us get stuck here I’m
tough one most of us get stuck here I’m
tough one most of us get stuck here I’m still stuck here
still stuck here
still stuck here like today in my head I’m thinking what
like today in my head I’m thinking what
like today in my head I’m thinking what if this talk goes wrong what if you
if this talk goes wrong what if you
if this talk goes wrong what if you think I’m a fraud what if I’m not funny
think I’m a fraud what if I’m not funny
think I’m a fraud what if I’m not funny enough what if I’m too funny and the
enough what if I’m too funny and the
enough what if I’m too funny and the message gets lost why do you even need a
message gets lost why do you even need a
message gets lost why do you even need a message because it’s a TEDx hello I’m
message because it’s a TEDx hello I’m
message because it’s a TEDx hello I’m sorry you have to see that that’s going
sorry you have to see that that’s going
sorry you have to see that that’s going through my head right now
through my head right now
through my head right now and ideally esteem is generated from
and ideally esteem is generated from
and ideally esteem is generated from self-esteem or validating your own
self-esteem or validating your own
self-esteem or validating your own self-worth but how do you love and
self-worth but how do you love and
self-worth but how do you love and respect yourself when you have no idea
respect yourself when you have no idea
respect yourself when you have no idea who you are I grew up in a Korean church
who you are I grew up in a Korean church
who you are I grew up in a Korean church one that never shamed homosexuality
one that never shamed homosexuality
one that never shamed homosexuality because its existence was categorically
because its existence was categorically
because its existence was categorically denied when I was 10 I asked my mom if
denied when I was 10 I asked my mom if
denied when I was 10 I asked my mom if there were gay people in Korea and she
there were gay people in Korea and she
there were gay people in Korea and she responded with absolutely not there are
responded with absolutely not there are
responded with absolutely not there are no gays in Korea okay maybe there are a
no gays in Korea okay maybe there are a
no gays in Korea okay maybe there are a few but they’re all Japanese I was like
few but they’re all Japanese I was like
few but they’re all Japanese I was like well konichiwa mother I wish that’s what
well konichiwa mother I wish that’s what
well konichiwa mother I wish that’s what I said I really do but I would have been
I said I really do but I would have been
I said I really do but I would have been so smart and precocious the truth is
so smart and precocious the truth is
so smart and precocious the truth is because it took me so long to find
because it took me so long to find
because it took me so long to find safety in my home and belonging within a
safety in my home and belonging within a
safety in my home and belonging within a group of friends I was afraid of
group of friends I was afraid of
group of friends I was afraid of revealing my truth and I thought that
revealing my truth and I thought that
revealing my truth and I thought that that would cause everything to just
that would cause everything to just
that would cause everything to just tumble down like a house of cards what I
tumble down like a house of cards what I
tumble down like a house of cards what I know now is that all of that wasn’t real
know now is that all of that wasn’t real
know now is that all of that wasn’t real anyway all that good maslow work that I
anyway all that good maslow work that I
anyway all that good maslow work that I had done was built on a faulty
had done was built on a faulty
had done was built on a faulty foundation a house built on sand instead
foundation a house built on sand instead
foundation a house built on sand instead of rock
of rock
of rock I had never truly found a sense of
I had never truly found a sense of
I had never truly found a sense of safety a sense of home so when given the
safety a sense of home so when given the
safety a sense of home so when given the opportunity suit to start over
opportunity suit to start over
opportunity suit to start over I took it in 2007 I moved to San
I took it in 2007 I moved to San
I took it in 2007 I moved to San Francisco with a six-figure job at Yahoo
Francisco with a six-figure job at Yahoo
Francisco with a six-figure job at Yahoo modeling peoples be browsing behavior
modeling peoples be browsing behavior
modeling peoples be browsing behavior it was the creepiest thing I have ever
it was the creepiest thing I have ever
it was the creepiest thing I have ever done and I regret leaving because I
done and I regret leaving because I
done and I regret leaving because I missed f4o 1k match
missed f4o 1k match
missed f4o 1k match I was young successful and finally rich
I was young successful and finally rich
I was young successful and finally rich it felt good to be rich like I bought
it felt good to be rich like I bought
it felt good to be rich like I bought lattes and left like a dollar or two
lattes and left like a dollar or two
lattes and left like a dollar or two dollars in the tip jar I was like
dollars in the tip jar I was like
dollars in the tip jar I was like completely reckless the trajectory of my
completely reckless the trajectory of my
completely reckless the trajectory of my external life was clear as day it was
external life was clear as day it was
external life was clear as day it was get promoted become a VP buy a house
get promoted become a VP buy a house
get promoted become a VP buy a house find a korean wife have Korean kids move
find a korean wife have Korean kids move
find a korean wife have Korean kids move my mother in to be the live-in nanny /
my mother in to be the live-in nanny /
my mother in to be the live-in nanny / grandma I mean the korean-american gold
grandma I mean the korean-american gold
grandma I mean the korean-american gold standard of success but inside I was a
standard of success but inside I was a
standard of success but inside I was a blurry and unrecognizable mess I was a
blurry and unrecognizable mess I was a
blurry and unrecognizable mess I was a shell of a person my life being slowly
shell of a person my life being slowly
shell of a person my life being slowly extinguished every time I suffered
extinguished every time I suffered
extinguished every time I suffered through a college football game or
through a college football game or
through a college football game or clumsily fumbled around lady parts I was
clumsily fumbled around lady parts I was
clumsily fumbled around lady parts I was desperate to come out of the closet but
desperate to come out of the closet but
desperate to come out of the closet but was terrified about when my mom would
was terrified about when my mom would
was terrified about when my mom would say how my dad would react but mostly I
say how my dad would react but mostly I
say how my dad would react but mostly I was terrified to come out to myself the
was terrified to come out to myself the
was terrified to come out to myself the first few months in San Francisco was
first few months in San Francisco was
first few months in San Francisco was the loneliest I ever felt I cried a lot
the loneliest I ever felt I cried a lot
the loneliest I ever felt I cried a lot in my obscenely expensive studio
in my obscenely expensive studio
in my obscenely expensive studio apartment one day a friend of mine asked
apartment one day a friend of mine asked
apartment one day a friend of mine asked me to go to a stand-up comedy show and
me to go to a stand-up comedy show and
me to go to a stand-up comedy show and at the end of hosts mention that they
at the end of hosts mention that they
at the end of hosts mention that they talked classes and I decided what the
talked classes and I decided what the
talked classes and I decided what the hell what do I have to lose it turns out
hell what do I have to lose it turns out
hell what do I have to lose it turns out that I had everything to lose
that I had everything to lose
that I had everything to lose and one thing to gain me you know how
and one thing to gain me you know how
and one thing to gain me you know how everyone loves a funny person but we all
everyone loves a funny person but we all
everyone loves a funny person but we all hate that person who’s like trying to be
hate that person who’s like trying to be
hate that person who’s like trying to be funny that was me
funny that was me
funny that was me my first ever stand-up said I wrote
my first ever stand-up said I wrote
my first ever stand-up said I wrote three minutes of jokes about how
three minutes of jokes about how
three minutes of jokes about how different types of liquor affect you
different types of liquor affect you
different types of liquor affect you differently I mean just really in lines
differently I mean just really in lines
differently I mean just really in lines work and they hate it every single
work and they hate it every single
work and they hate it every single second of it I hated myself but each
second of it I hated myself but each
second of it I hated myself but each bombing led me to what I knew since I
bombing led me to what I knew since I
bombing led me to what I knew since I was a young boy to speak the truth in
was a young boy to speak the truth in
was a young boy to speak the truth in the exact right way at the exact right
the exact right way at the exact right
the exact right way at the exact right time so I decided to finally come out to
time so I decided to finally come out to
time so I decided to finally come out to a scattered audience of random open mic
a scattered audience of random open mic
a scattered audience of random open mic errs at the back of a laundromat you
errs at the back of a laundromat you
errs at the back of a laundromat you know how I always dreamed of doing it
know how I always dreamed of doing it
know how I always dreamed of doing it and that one person batted an eyelash
and that one person batted an eyelash
and that one person batted an eyelash the truth I was so ashamed of the demon
the truth I was so ashamed of the demon
the truth I was so ashamed of the demon that I kept unnamed and caged that kept
that I kept unnamed and caged that kept
that I kept unnamed and caged that kept me powerless was finally free so I came
me powerless was finally free so I came
me powerless was finally free so I came out over and over and over again
out over and over and over again
out over and over and over again everywhere I could anyone that would
everywhere I could anyone that would
everywhere I could anyone that would listen from audiences at comedy shows to
listen from audiences at comedy shows to
listen from audiences at comedy shows to baristas at trendy coffee shops I’d be
baristas at trendy coffee shops I’d be
baristas at trendy coffee shops I’d be like I’m gay and the barista would be
like I’m gay and the barista would be
like I’m gay and the barista would be like we’re in San Francisco get over it
like we’re in San Francisco get over it
like we’re in San Francisco get over it I made jokes about being in the closet
I made jokes about being in the closet
I made jokes about being in the closet and my repressive upbringing people
and my repressive upbringing people
and my repressive upbringing people nodded people laughed
nodded people laughed
nodded people laughed some people even came up to me
some people even came up to me
some people even came up to me afterwards and said you’re very brave
afterwards and said you’re very brave
afterwards and said you’re very brave thank you
thank you
thank you and after lying to myself for so long
and after lying to myself for so long
and after lying to myself for so long and feeling like a coward I did finally
and feeling like a coward I did finally
and feeling like a coward I did finally feel brave I felt powerful
feel brave I felt powerful
feel brave I felt powerful the act of comedy for me was to live my
the act of comedy for me was to live my
the act of comedy for me was to live my truth in the face of its vulnerability
truth in the face of its vulnerability
truth in the face of its vulnerability comedy forces us to reckon with the
comedy forces us to reckon with the
comedy forces us to reckon with the truths about ourselves and our world
truths about ourselves and our world
truths about ourselves and our world that we are too afraid to approach it
that we are too afraid to approach it
that we are too afraid to approach it forces perspective on the things that we
forces perspective on the things that we
forces perspective on the things that we feel oppressed by comedy empowered me to
feel oppressed by comedy empowered me to
feel oppressed by comedy empowered me to come out to my friends and family back
come out to my friends and family back
come out to my friends and family back in New York and start a theater in San
in New York and start a theater in San
in New York and start a theater in San Francisco called end games which is just
Francisco called end games which is just
Francisco called end games which is just a nominal homage to the journey towards
a nominal homage to the journey towards
a nominal homage to the journey towards my own personal end game of living in
my own personal end game of living in
my own personal end game of living in unapologetically honest life in 2012 at
unapologetically honest life in 2012 at
unapologetically honest life in 2012 at age 30 I left San Francisco I left my
age 30 I left San Francisco I left my
age 30 I left San Francisco I left my career in Silicon Valley my theatre and
career in Silicon Valley my theatre and
career in Silicon Valley my theatre and games and armed with a tiny bit of
games and armed with a tiny bit of
games and armed with a tiny bit of savings I decided to throw all that away
savings I decided to throw all that away
savings I decided to throw all that away and pursue comedy full-time giving my
and pursue comedy full-time giving my
and pursue comedy full-time giving my mother yet another small aneurysm and
mother yet another small aneurysm and
mother yet another small aneurysm and since then I’ve been lucky enough to
since then I’ve been lucky enough to
since then I’ve been lucky enough to perform on the road making strangers
perform on the road making strangers
perform on the road making strangers laugh all across the country and here in
laugh all across the country and here in
laugh all across the country and here in Chicago I helped create a critically
Chicago I helped create a critically
Chicago I helped create a critically acclaimed revue at the Second City which
acclaimed revue at the Second City which
acclaimed revue at the Second City which I decided to leave last year so I am
I decided to leave last year so I am
I decided to leave last year so I am unemployed again I am poor again and
unemployed again I am poor again and
unemployed again I am poor again and unsure of what my future holds but while
unsure of what my future holds but while
unsure of what my future holds but while the road ahead of me is a complete blur
the road ahead of me is a complete blur
the road ahead of me is a complete blur I’ve never been more clear
I’ve never been more clear
I’ve never been more clear on the inside as for self-actualization
on the inside as for self-actualization
on the inside as for self-actualization now apparently Maslow believed that only
now apparently Maslow believed that only
now apparently Maslow believed that only 2% of people achieve this anyway so my
2% of people achieve this anyway so my
2% of people achieve this anyway so my mother will be expecting an A+ and but
mother will be expecting an A+ and but
mother will be expecting an A+ and but honestly that seems like a lot of work
honestly that seems like a lot of work
honestly that seems like a lot of work to me
to me
to me and I’m just looking to like really feel
and I’m just looking to like really feel
and I’m just looking to like really feel good about myself and marry rich so so
good about myself and marry rich so so
good about myself and marry rich so so here’s what I would say to you if there
here’s what I would say to you if there
here’s what I would say to you if there are truths in your life that threaten to
are truths in your life that threaten to
are truths in your life that threaten to dull your inner presence try making fun
dull your inner presence try making fun
dull your inner presence try making fun of it first it might just give you the
of it first it might just give you the
of it first it might just give you the distance that you need to lead a more
distance that you need to lead a more
distance that you need to lead a more powerful life thank you
”
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