nearby fewer than 10 miles from here actually is a neighborhood called
actually is a neighborhood called
actually is a neighborhood called Washington Township growing up I spent
Washington Township growing up I spent
Washington Township growing up I spent many hot summer Sunday’s there splashing
many hot summer Sunday’s there splashing
many hot summer Sunday’s there splashing around an aboveground swimming pool in
around an aboveground swimming pool in
around an aboveground swimming pool in my grandparents backyard my brother and
my grandparents backyard my brother and
my grandparents backyard my brother and cousins and I would race and swim and
cousins and I would race and swim and
cousins and I would race and swim and Marco Polo until exhausted we’d flop
Marco Polo until exhausted we’d flop
Marco Polo until exhausted we’d flop onto the deck soggy and stinking of
onto the deck soggy and stinking of
onto the deck soggy and stinking of clorium to dry off and we’d play this
clorium to dry off and we’d play this
clorium to dry off and we’d play this game
game
game maybe you’ve played this game we’d close
maybe you’ve played this game we’d close
maybe you’ve played this game we’d close our eyes tilt our faces up toward the
our eyes tilt our faces up toward the
our eyes tilt our faces up toward the Sun and watch the shapes that passed
Sun and watch the shapes that passed
Sun and watch the shapes that passed beneath our eyelids calling them out to
beneath our eyelids calling them out to
beneath our eyelids calling them out to one another I see a red triangle or
one another I see a red triangle or
one another I see a red triangle or maybe it’s blue no I see a squiggle
maybe it’s blue no I see a squiggle
maybe it’s blue no I see a squiggle mine’s a red squiggle do you see it and
mine’s a red squiggle do you see it and
mine’s a red squiggle do you see it and while we played this game I often found
while we played this game I often found
while we played this game I often found myself wondering were we seeing the
myself wondering were we seeing the
myself wondering were we seeing the exact same things and just describing
exact same things and just describing
exact same things and just describing them differently or were we seeing
them differently or were we seeing
them differently or were we seeing entirely different things but of course
entirely different things but of course
entirely different things but of course there was no way to know right our eyes
there was no way to know right our eyes
there was no way to know right our eyes were closed well years later I was an
were closed well years later I was an
were closed well years later I was an undergraduate in the 90s so picture
undergraduate in the 90s so picture
undergraduate in the 90s so picture oversize flannel shirts and ripped jeans
oversize flannel shirts and ripped jeans
oversize flannel shirts and ripped jeans but the homemade kind shorn by hand and
but the homemade kind shorn by hand and
but the homemade kind shorn by hand and shredded in the dryer oh and black steel
shredded in the dryer oh and black steel
shredded in the dryer oh and black steel toe boots to get me safely through
toe boots to get me safely through
toe boots to get me safely through anything a liberal arts college
anything a liberal arts college
anything a liberal arts college education might throw my way I studied
education might throw my way I studied
education might throw my way I studied history and film and creative writing
history and film and creative writing
history and film and creative writing and for my senior thesis I chose a topic
and for my senior thesis I chose a topic
and for my senior thesis I chose a topic that allowed me to further explore those
that allowed me to further explore those
that allowed me to further explore those interests I decided to write about the
interests I decided to write about the
interests I decided to write about the daily life and cultural influences of
daily life and cultural influences of
daily life and cultural influences of the 1930s as you may know those were
the 1930s as you may know those were
the 1930s as you may know those were very difficult times studied a lot of
very difficult times studied a lot of
very difficult times studied a lot of the history I read endless books which
the history I read endless books which
the history I read endless books which involved battling the Dewey Decimal
involved battling the Dewey Decimal
involved battling the Dewey Decimal System bravely not always successfully
System bravely not always successfully
System bravely not always successfully and I watched the films which were just
and I watched the films which were just
and I watched the films which were just brilliant
brilliant
brilliant but I also wanted some first-person
but I also wanted some first-person
but I also wanted some first-person narrative so I reached out and I met
narrative so I reached out and I met
narrative so I reached out and I met with men and women who had grown up
with men and women who had grown up
with men and women who had grown up during that time period I wanted to hear
during that time period I wanted to hear
during that time period I wanted to hear from them what life was like and I
from them what life was like and I
from them what life was like and I thought I had a pretty good idea of what
thought I had a pretty good idea of what
thought I had a pretty good idea of what we would discuss buta Margaret Edward
we would discuss buta Margaret Edward
we would discuss buta Margaret Edward Henry these men and women
Henry these men and women
Henry these men and women welcomes me into their homes and their
welcomes me into their homes and their
welcomes me into their homes and their businesses and their memories they
businesses and their memories they
businesses and their memories they talked about the day-to-day challenges
talked about the day-to-day challenges
talked about the day-to-day challenges of not having enough food to eat
of not having enough food to eat
of not having enough food to eat not having medication when ill Margaret
not having medication when ill Margaret
not having medication when ill Margaret told me about watching her mother
told me about watching her mother
told me about watching her mother unravel old sweaters to reuse the yarn
unravel old sweaters to reuse the yarn
unravel old sweaters to reuse the yarn because they didn’t have enough money
because they didn’t have enough money
because they didn’t have enough money for new clothing to stay warm and utta
for new clothing to stay warm and utta
for new clothing to stay warm and utta who lived in a rural area she told me
who lived in a rural area she told me
who lived in a rural area she told me about a doll and what her mother had to
about a doll and what her mother had to
about a doll and what her mother had to trade for that single but cherished
trade for that single but cherished
trade for that single but cherished treasure and she told me about a
treasure and she told me about a
treasure and she told me about a neighbor and good friend of hers whose
neighbor and good friend of hers whose
neighbor and good friend of hers whose father had lost his job and how one day
father had lost his job and how one day
father had lost his job and how one day she woke up and they were gone and
she woke up and they were gone and
she woke up and they were gone and nobody could tell her where they went
nobody could tell her where they went
nobody could tell her where they went there were secrets there were words
there were secrets there were words
there were secrets there were words unspoken and many of them talked about
unspoken and many of them talked about
unspoken and many of them talked about it a deep dark fear on the faces of
it a deep dark fear on the faces of
it a deep dark fear on the faces of their parents but there was also hope
their parents but there was also hope
their parents but there was also hope one man in particular Henry he was a
one man in particular Henry he was a
one man in particular Henry he was a good-looking man even in his older years
good-looking man even in his older years
good-looking man even in his older years he was tall and strong I met him in a
he was tall and strong I met him in a
he was tall and strong I met him in a nursing home it was a nursing home that
nursing home it was a nursing home that
nursing home it was a nursing home that defied nursing home stereotypes it was
defied nursing home stereotypes it was
defied nursing home stereotypes it was brightly lit well-appointed decorated in
brightly lit well-appointed decorated in
brightly lit well-appointed decorated in red and green nothing hung in the air no
red and green nothing hung in the air no
red and green nothing hung in the air no scent no heaviness of history and years
scent no heaviness of history and years
scent no heaviness of history and years gone by I remember thinking this is the
gone by I remember thinking this is the
gone by I remember thinking this is the way to do old he greeted me gallantly
way to do old he greeted me gallantly
way to do old he greeted me gallantly and we sat near tall windows with a
and we sat near tall windows with a
and we sat near tall windows with a table between us I had a tape recorder
table between us I had a tape recorder
table between us I had a tape recorder and jazz music from the late 20s and
and jazz music from the late 20s and
and jazz music from the late 20s and early 30s actually piped through the
early 30s actually piped through the
early 30s actually piped through the background I remember the way his eyes
background I remember the way his eyes
background I remember the way his eyes lit up when he
lit up when he
lit up when he talk to me about the hope that got him
talk to me about the hope that got him
talk to me about the hope that got him through the difficult days he talked
through the difficult days he talked
through the difficult days he talked about his love of film and comedy and
about his love of film and comedy and
about his love of film and comedy and romance it’s basically the same in every
romance it’s basically the same in every
romance it’s basically the same in every generation he said and he talked to me
generation he said and he talked to me
generation he said and he talked to me about a youth group that captured his
about a youth group that captured his
about a youth group that captured his imagination in this youth group everyone
imagination in this youth group everyone
imagination in this youth group everyone had uniforms so no one had more or less
had uniforms so no one had more or less
had uniforms so no one had more or less visibly and there was sport and there
visibly and there was sport and there
visibly and there was sport and there was friendship and there was something
was friendship and there was something
was friendship and there was something to believe in something to aspire to see
to believe in something to aspire to see
to believe in something to aspire to see these boys were told that they already
these boys were told that they already
these boys were told that they already had within them everything they needed
had within them everything they needed
had within them everything they needed to be great the best the best of the
to be great the best the best of the
to be great the best the best of the best they were the elite leaders sure
best they were the elite leaders sure
best they were the elite leaders sure Henry said he knew he was being told a
Henry said he knew he was being told a
Henry said he knew he was being told a bit of a story but it was a story he
bit of a story but it was a story he
bit of a story but it was a story he wanted to hear when he spoke I could
wanted to hear when he spoke I could
wanted to hear when he spoke I could almost forget that the backdrop was
almost forget that the backdrop was
almost forget that the backdrop was Germany in 1938 and that his youth group
Germany in 1938 and that his youth group
Germany in 1938 and that his youth group was called the Hitler Eugen and he could
was called the Hitler Eugen and he could
was called the Hitler Eugen and he could almost forget that I was the young
almost forget that I was the young
almost forget that I was the young Jewish college student he’d agreed to
Jewish college student he’d agreed to
Jewish college student he’d agreed to speak with almost but not quite
any regrets I said to him before leaving
any regrets I said to him before leaving you seemed like a very nice young lady
you seemed like a very nice young lady
you seemed like a very nice young lady he said to me but I tell you had the war
he said to me but I tell you had the war
he said to me but I tell you had the war gone the other way I would have been one
gone the other way I would have been one
gone the other way I would have been one of the worst ones my thesis was about
of the worst ones my thesis was about
of the worst ones my thesis was about German daily life and cultural
German daily life and cultural
German daily life and cultural influences before and during World War
influences before and during World War
influences before and during World War two
the German American consulate had been
the German American consulate had been kind enough to help me meet with German
kind enough to help me meet with German
kind enough to help me meet with German American immigrants who welcome the
American immigrants who welcome the
American immigrants who welcome the opportunity to be heard these
opportunity to be heard these
opportunity to be heard these conversations they they didn’t make me
conversations they they didn’t make me
conversations they they didn’t make me an activist nor an atheist maybe an
an activist nor an atheist maybe an
an activist nor an atheist maybe an empathy though that’s not a word I
empathy though that’s not a word I
empathy though that’s not a word I learned a tremendous amount about the
learned a tremendous amount about the
learned a tremendous amount about the human experience and human nature that
human experience and human nature that
human experience and human nature that year as well as something fundamental
year as well as something fundamental
year as well as something fundamental yet jarring that has changed the way
yet jarring that has changed the way
yet jarring that has changed the way that I try to communicate and help
that I try to communicate and help
that I try to communicate and help others communicate ever since we do not
others communicate ever since we do not
others communicate ever since we do not always see the same thing what I see
always see the same thing what I see
always see the same thing what I see with my eyes closed may not be what you
with my eyes closed may not be what you
with my eyes closed may not be what you see in fact I’m quite convinced that
see in fact I’m quite convinced that
see in fact I’m quite convinced that what I see with my eyes open is not what
what I see with my eyes open is not what
what I see with my eyes open is not what you see either whether red squiggle or a
you see either whether red squiggle or a
you see either whether red squiggle or a contentious board or a difficult teacher
contentious board or a difficult teacher
contentious board or a difficult teacher or global unrest or the earliest bedtime
or global unrest or the earliest bedtime
or global unrest or the earliest bedtime of all my friend’s mom and until you can
of all my friend’s mom and until you can
of all my friend’s mom and until you can see what your opponent in conversation
see what your opponent in conversation
see what your opponent in conversation sees you will not you cannot really be
sees you will not you cannot really be
sees you will not you cannot really be heard now to be clear there’s no
heard now to be clear there’s no
heard now to be clear there’s no excusing evil you don’t need to agree
excusing evil you don’t need to agree
excusing evil you don’t need to agree with your opponent in conversation I
with your opponent in conversation I
with your opponent in conversation I hope that none of you ever sits before
hope that none of you ever sits before
hope that none of you ever sits before someone who isn’t sure you should have
someone who isn’t sure you should have
someone who isn’t sure you should have been born but what I do hope for you is
been born but what I do hope for you is
been born but what I do hope for you is the ability to better communicate
the ability to better communicate
the ability to better communicate through conflict by mastering four
through conflict by mastering four
through conflict by mastering four practices and communications listen
practices and communications listen
practices and communications listen learn reflect connect listening that
learn reflect connect listening that
learn reflect connect listening that sounds obvious right but four
sounds obvious right but four
sounds obvious right but four communicators that’s tough but also if
communicators that’s tough but also if
communicators that’s tough but also if you’ve got something to say listening
you’ve got something to say listening
you’ve got something to say listening can be hard but you’ve got to listen and
can be hard but you’ve got to listen and
can be hard but you’ve got to listen and then learn can you see what they see
then learn can you see what they see
then learn can you see what they see can you feel it reflect check in with
can you feel it reflect check in with
can you feel it reflect check in with them did you get that right and then
them did you get that right and then
them did you get that right and then connect now share what it is that you
connect now share what it is that you
connect now share what it is that you see what it is that you want to say and
see what it is that you want to say and
see what it is that you want to say and I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised
I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised
I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised by how willing another human being is to
by how willing another human being is to
by how willing another human being is to walk with you down that now converging
walk with you down that now converging
walk with you down that now converging path let’s talk through three quick
path let’s talk through three quick
path let’s talk through three quick relatable examples
relatable examples
relatable examples say you’re on the phone with Verizon
say you’re on the phone with Verizon
say you’re on the phone with Verizon you’re on hold again relatable okay when
you’re on hold again relatable okay when
you’re on hold again relatable okay when eventually you hear hello missus well
eventually you hear hello missus well
eventually you hear hello missus well felt how are you today well I say I’m
felt how are you today well I say I’m
felt how are you today well I say I’m actually a little bit frustrated this is
actually a little bit frustrated this is
actually a little bit frustrated this is my third time calling about the same
my third time calling about the same
my third time calling about the same issue
issue
issue okay now this could go two ways the
okay now this could go two ways the
okay now this could go two ways the customer service rep could say okay
customer service rep could say okay
customer service rep could say okay ma’am what’s your order number now first
ma’am what’s your order number now first
ma’am what’s your order number now first of all she called me ma’am but second
of all she called me ma’am but second
of all she called me ma’am but second it’s Groundhog Day right or she could
it’s Groundhog Day right or she could
it’s Groundhog Day right or she could say I am so sorry to hear that you’re
say I am so sorry to hear that you’re
say I am so sorry to hear that you’re having a frustrating experience and that
having a frustrating experience and that
having a frustrating experience and that this isn’t the first time you’ve tried
this isn’t the first time you’ve tried
this isn’t the first time you’ve tried to resolve it can I have your order
to resolve it can I have your order
to resolve it can I have your order number so that we can get this figured
number so that we can get this figured
number so that we can get this figured out for you she hears me she feels me
out for you she hears me she feels me
out for you she hears me she feels me and not only that she goes on to rather
and not only that she goes on to rather
and not only that she goes on to rather quickly resolve the issue I believe
quickly resolve the issue I believe
quickly resolve the issue I believe largely because she set the stage and
largely because she set the stage and
largely because she set the stage and were able to now communicate calmly
were able to now communicate calmly
were able to now communicate calmly together she does so well that I asked
together she does so well that I asked
together she does so well that I asked to speak with her supervisor after
to speak with her supervisor after
to speak with her supervisor after because I believe she should be
because I believe she should be
because I believe she should be recognized front line customer services
recognized front line customer services
recognized front line customer services front line corporate reputation after
front line corporate reputation after
front line corporate reputation after all but she listened she learned she
all but she listened she learned she
all but she listened she learned she reflected so that we could connect let’s
reflected so that we could connect let’s
reflected so that we could connect let’s do another example we’ll bring this one
do another example we’ll bring this one
do another example we’ll bring this one home say you and your significant other
home say you and your significant other
home say you and your significant other you share a bedroom and your partner
you share a bedroom and your partner
you share a bedroom and your partner wants a very expensive bedspread
wants a very expensive bedspread
wants a very expensive bedspread comforter but you you manage the
comforter but you you manage the
comforter but you you manage the household budget and you are sure this
household budget and you are sure this
household budget and you are sure this one is out of reach financially this
one is out of reach financially this
one is out of reach financially this could go two ways you could argue over
could go two ways you could argue over
could go two ways you could argue over how expensive the bedspread is why one
how expensive the bedspread is why one
how expensive the bedspread is why one of you needs to earn more money who’s
of you needs to earn more money who’s
of you needs to earn more money who’s not earning enough what’s wrong with
not earning enough what’s wrong with
not earning enough what’s wrong with your white down comforter these aren’t
your white down comforter these aren’t
your white down comforter these aren’t firstworldproblems if you haven’t
firstworldproblems if you haven’t
firstworldproblems if you haven’t noticed or you could stop and listen and
noticed or you could stop and listen and
noticed or you could stop and listen and try to learn what’s behind this interest
try to learn what’s behind this interest
try to learn what’s behind this interest let’s say in this example you discover
let’s say in this example you discover
let’s say in this example you discover that your partner who’s very stressed
that your partner who’s very stressed
that your partner who’s very stressed and so are you by the way because life
and so are you by the way because life
and so are you by the way because life is stressful is looking to create a
is stressful is looking to create a
is stressful is looking to create a spa-like decor in the bedroom to instill
spa-like decor in the bedroom to instill
spa-like decor in the bedroom to instill a sense of Zen a stress-free zone well
a sense of Zen a stress-free zone well
a sense of Zen a stress-free zone well that you can kind of understand so maybe
that you can kind of understand so maybe
that you can kind of understand so maybe instead you say
instead you say
instead you say okay you want our bedroom to be a refuge
okay you want our bedroom to be a refuge
okay you want our bedroom to be a refuge a respite from the day-to-day stress I
a respite from the day-to-day stress I
a respite from the day-to-day stress I get that that actually sounds great but
get that that actually sounds great but
get that that actually sounds great but for me sleeping under a comforter that I
for me sleeping under a comforter that I
for me sleeping under a comforter that I think is out of reach for us financially
think is out of reach for us financially
think is out of reach for us financially that brings stress into that bedroom
that brings stress into that bedroom
that brings stress into that bedroom into that bed that we share can we
into that bed that we share can we
into that bed that we share can we figure this out together so remember
figure this out together so remember
figure this out together so remember this process it doesn’t eliminate the
this process it doesn’t eliminate the
this process it doesn’t eliminate the conflict it just allows you to better
conflict it just allows you to better
conflict it just allows you to better communicate together through it one more
communicate together through it one more
communicate together through it one more example your teenage son Magan he’s
example your teenage son Magan he’s
example your teenage son Magan he’s convinced that all of his friends have a
convinced that all of his friends have a
convinced that all of his friends have a bed time two hours later than he does
bed time two hours later than he does
bed time two hours later than he does this conversation can go only one way
this conversation can go only one way
this conversation can go only one way too bad I’m your mother see not every
too bad I’m your mother see not every
too bad I’m your mother see not every conversation requires mutual
conversation requires mutual
conversation requires mutual understanding which brings me back to
understanding which brings me back to
understanding which brings me back to Henry ours was not one of those
Henry ours was not one of those
Henry ours was not one of those conversations that requires mutual
conversations that requires mutual
conversations that requires mutual understanding I was there to listen and
understanding I was there to listen and
understanding I was there to listen and to learn and to reflect but I don’t want
to learn and to reflect but I don’t want
to learn and to reflect but I don’t want you to think I didn’t respond to Henry
you to think I didn’t respond to Henry
you to think I didn’t respond to Henry and to those who told him a story that
and to those who told him a story that
and to those who told him a story that wipes nearly an entire side of my family
wipes nearly an entire side of my family
wipes nearly an entire side of my family off the face of the earth I responded to
off the face of the earth I responded to
off the face of the earth I responded to Henry and I try to respond to him every
Henry and I try to respond to him every
Henry and I try to respond to him every day in every way that I live and love
day in every way that I live and love
day in every way that I live and love and learn and listen thank you
and learn and listen thank you
and learn and listen thank you [Applause]
”
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