I spent the past few weeks trying to figure out what I was going to wear
figure out what I was going to wear
figure out what I was going to wear tonight I’ve always put a lot of time
tonight I’ve always put a lot of time
tonight I’ve always put a lot of time into my outfits whether it’s getting
into my outfits whether it’s getting
into my outfits whether it’s getting ready for date night with Jordan or back
ready for date night with Jordan or back
ready for date night with Jordan or back to middle school picture days I’ve
to middle school picture days I’ve
to middle school picture days I’ve always put a lot of pressure on my
always put a lot of pressure on my
always put a lot of pressure on my appearance I spent too much time in
appearance I spent too much time in
appearance I spent too much time in front of the mirror checking out my
front of the mirror checking out my
front of the mirror checking out my clothes changing my outfits and then
clothes changing my outfits and then
clothes changing my outfits and then throwing clothes on the floor
throwing clothes on the floor
throwing clothes on the floor I will pick them up later I can remember
I will pick them up later I can remember
I will pick them up later I can remember when I was 17 and I had the best pair of
when I was 17 and I had the best pair of
when I was 17 and I had the best pair of jeans maybe something you can relate you
jeans maybe something you can relate you
jeans maybe something you can relate you have or have had this great pair of
have or have had this great pair of
have or have had this great pair of jeans they’re your go-to and they make
jeans they’re your go-to and they make
jeans they’re your go-to and they make your butt look incredible and if you’re
your butt look incredible and if you’re
your butt look incredible and if you’re like me you owned them in three colors
like me you owned them in three colors
like me you owned them in three colors mine had one size on the tag and put a
mine had one size on the tag and put a
mine had one size on the tag and put a zip tie
zip tie
zip tie strung through the belt loops to help
strung through the belt loops to help
strung through the belt loops to help them stay on my body at this point I was
them stay on my body at this point I was
them stay on my body at this point I was eight years into my eating disorder now
eight years into my eating disorder now
eight years into my eating disorder now these particular jeans made me feel so
these particular jeans made me feel so
these particular jeans made me feel so good because I would use them as a way
good because I would use them as a way
good because I would use them as a way to show others how small my body was I
to show others how small my body was I
to show others how small my body was I would walk around and show off my DIY
would walk around and show off my DIY
would walk around and show off my DIY alteration and hope that they would say
alteration and hope that they would say
alteration and hope that they would say exactly what I wanted to hear or what my
exactly what I wanted to hear or what my
exactly what I wanted to hear or what my eating disorder wanted to hear how do
eating disorder wanted to hear how do
eating disorder wanted to hear how do you stay so thin you need to eat more to
you stay so thin you need to eat more to
you stay so thin you need to eat more to things you definitely don’t say to
things you definitely don’t say to
things you definitely don’t say to somebody with an eating disorder
somebody with an eating disorder
somebody with an eating disorder multiple times during my late teens and
multiple times during my late teens and
multiple times during my late teens and early 20s I had to uproot my life and
early 20s I had to uproot my life and
early 20s I had to uproot my life and spend months away from my friends my
spend months away from my friends my
spend months away from my friends my family
family
family schoolwork everything and spend months
schoolwork everything and spend months
schoolwork everything and spend months in residential and inpatient treatment
in residential and inpatient treatment
in residential and inpatient treatment facilities each time I went through
facilities each time I went through
facilities each time I went through treatment I left with a feeling of
treatment I left with a feeling of
treatment I left with a feeling of confidence knowing that I had worked
confidence knowing that I had worked
confidence knowing that I had worked really hard to make important changes in
really hard to make important changes in
really hard to make important changes in my lifestyle and that this is going to
my lifestyle and that this is going to
my lifestyle and that this is going to be the time that I can recover and yet I
be the time that I can recover and yet I
be the time that I can recover and yet I would find myself in the same place back
would find myself in the same place back
would find myself in the same place back at home day one of no longer having the
at home day one of no longer having the
at home day one of no longer having the security of a treatment center treatment
security of a treatment center treatment
security of a treatment center treatment team alone in my room I was alone
team alone in my room I was alone
team alone in my room I was alone staring at a closet full of clothes that
staring at a closet full of clothes that
staring at a closet full of clothes that no longer fit my body or my recovered
no longer fit my body or my recovered
no longer fit my body or my recovered lifestyle
lifestyle
lifestyle a few years into this cycle of treatment
a few years into this cycle of treatment
a few years into this cycle of treatment feeling confident slip spiral and then
feeling confident slip spiral and then
feeling confident slip spiral and then treatment again I had been convinced to
treatment again I had been convinced to
treatment again I had been convinced to throw away my scale my therapist knew
throw away my scale my therapist knew
throw away my scale my therapist knew that it was dangerous for me to have one
that it was dangerous for me to have one
that it was dangerous for me to have one at home but I had held on to a dress
at home but I had held on to a dress
at home but I had held on to a dress that would reveal my current weight I’m
that would reveal my current weight I’m
that would reveal my current weight I’m speaking with you now a few years into
speaking with you now a few years into
speaking with you now a few years into my recovery and I still have this dress
my recovery and I still have this dress
my recovery and I still have this dress that just goes to show you how much
that just goes to show you how much
that just goes to show you how much power a piece of material can hold over
power a piece of material can hold over
power a piece of material can hold over somebody while they’re struggling with
somebody while they’re struggling with
somebody while they’re struggling with an eating disorder I have no desire to
an eating disorder I have no desire to
an eating disorder I have no desire to fit into this dress but I could also
fit into this dress but I could also
fit into this dress but I could also never donate it I never want to put
never donate it I never want to put
never donate it I never want to put someone through the same pressure that I
someone through the same pressure that I
someone through the same pressure that I felt to buy it and manipulate her body
felt to buy it and manipulate her body
felt to buy it and manipulate her body to fit into it the way that I did each
to fit into it the way that I did each
to fit into it the way that I did each time I left treatment part of me knew
time I left treatment part of me knew
time I left treatment part of me knew that I should just box my box everything
that I should just box my box everything
that I should just box my box everything up and start my wardrobe over but I
up and start my wardrobe over but I
up and start my wardrobe over but I couldn’t afford to buy new clothes to
couldn’t afford to buy new clothes to
couldn’t afford to buy new clothes to replace the ones that were too small too
replace the ones that were too small too
replace the ones that were too small too big or have these negative associations
big or have these negative associations
big or have these negative associations attached to them I kept in used old
attached to them I kept in used old
attached to them I kept in used old clothes as a means of body checking or
clothes as a means of body checking or
clothes as a means of body checking or measuring and weight had been gained or
measuring and weight had been gained or
measuring and weight had been gained or not it’s not uncommon for clothes to be
not it’s not uncommon for clothes to be
not it’s not uncommon for clothes to be used in a way that feels the eating
used in a way that feels the eating
used in a way that feels the eating disorder especially if a person gauges
disorder especially if a person gauges
disorder especially if a person gauges their success by what size or clothes
their success by what size or clothes
their success by what size or clothes they may be able to fit into these sick
they may be able to fit into these sick
they may be able to fit into these sick clothes had a huge control over my
clothes had a huge control over my
clothes had a huge control over my ability to wake up and start my day
ability to wake up and start my day
ability to wake up and start my day experiences like those triggered me to
experiences like those triggered me to
experiences like those triggered me to further engage in my eating disorder as
further engage in my eating disorder as
further engage in my eating disorder as clothing often became an extension of
clothing often became an extension of
clothing often became an extension of something that I could control letting
something that I could control letting
something that I could control letting go of those clothes meant that I was
go of those clothes meant that I was
go of those clothes meant that I was choosing to move forward from my healthy
choosing to move forward from my healthy
choosing to move forward from my healthy self and defy my disorder I learned how
self and defy my disorder I learned how
self and defy my disorder I learned how to break the patterns and slowly saw
to break the patterns and slowly saw
to break the patterns and slowly saw glimpses of whatever covered life looks
glimpses of whatever covered life looks
glimpses of whatever covered life looks like one of the most powerful steps that
like one of the most powerful steps that
like one of the most powerful steps that you can take towards body acceptance is
you can take towards body acceptance is
you can take towards body acceptance is in towards body acceptance is to change
in towards body acceptance is to change
in towards body acceptance is to change your perspective with your wardrobe I
your perspective with your wardrobe I
your perspective with your wardrobe I found confidence in choosing how to
found confidence in choosing how to
found confidence in choosing how to dress and learning how to express myself
dress and learning how to express myself
dress and learning how to express myself in a personal way a person will go
in a personal way a person will go
in a personal way a person will go through intense psychological and
through intense psychological and
through intense psychological and physical changes when they’re in
physical changes when they’re in
physical changes when they’re in treatment for an eating disorder which
treatment for an eating disorder which
treatment for an eating disorder which can make it difficult to later return
can make it difficult to later return
can make it difficult to later return home to an environment that hasn’t
home to an environment that hasn’t
home to an environment that hasn’t necessarily changed with them we want to
necessarily changed with them we want to
necessarily changed with them we want to empower women in recovery from
empower women in recovery from
empower women in recovery from by providing them with new sizeless
by providing them with new sizeless
by providing them with new sizeless clothing for their healthy bodies and
clothing for their healthy bodies and
clothing for their healthy bodies and lifestyles and we want to do it for free
lifestyles and we want to do it for free
lifestyles and we want to do it for free so how do we pull something like that
so how do we pull something like that
so how do we pull something like that off on a large scale
off on a large scale
off on a large scale and who are we to even think that we can
and who are we to even think that we can
and who are we to even think that we can do that for about two years
do that for about two years
do that for about two years Erin and I had a lot of conversations
Erin and I had a lot of conversations
Erin and I had a lot of conversations about what the answers to those
about what the answers to those
about what the answers to those questions may be we decided that whether
questions may be we decided that whether
questions may be we decided that whether or not we actually know what we’re doing
or not we actually know what we’re doing
or not we actually know what we’re doing we need to help so we started by taking
we need to help so we started by taking
we need to help so we started by taking donations of new never worn clothing
donations of new never worn clothing
donations of new never worn clothing from generous retailers like American
from generous retailers like American
from generous retailers like American Eagle route 21 ModCloth airy and because
Eagle route 21 ModCloth airy and because
Eagle route 21 ModCloth airy and because sizes can vary drastically depending on
sizes can vary drastically depending on
sizes can vary drastically depending on the store or even within a brand we log
the store or even within a brand we log
the store or even within a brand we log accurate measurements of each item that
accurate measurements of each item that
accurate measurements of each item that we receive and then we take the sizing
we receive and then we take the sizing
we receive and then we take the sizing tags off of them we do this to eliminate
tags off of them we do this to eliminate
tags off of them we do this to eliminate the tag having any dictation over
the tag having any dictation over
the tag having any dictation over someone’s self-worth or success during
someone’s self-worth or success during
someone’s self-worth or success during these crucial stages in their recovery
these crucial stages in their recovery
these crucial stages in their recovery process we’ve developed relationships
process we’ve developed relationships
process we’ve developed relationships with treatment centers so that when a
with treatment centers so that when a
with treatment centers so that when a woman is at a point in her recovery
woman is at a point in her recovery
woman is at a point in her recovery process where she’s ready to give up her
process where she’s ready to give up her
process where she’s ready to give up her eating disorder and listen to her
eating disorder and listen to her
eating disorder and listen to her healthy self her team will help us learn
healthy self her team will help us learn
healthy self her team will help us learn more about who she is and what her needs
more about who she is and what her needs
more about who she is and what her needs will be with that personality style and
will be with that personality style and
will be with that personality style and measurement information we can then
measurement information we can then
measurement information we can then create a unique shopping site for each
create a unique shopping site for each
create a unique shopping site for each individual on this site she’ll see
individual on this site she’ll see
individual on this site she’ll see clothes from retailers that she’s
clothes from retailers that she’s
clothes from retailers that she’s familiar with and items that fit her
familiar with and items that fit her
familiar with and items that fit her lifestyle
lifestyle
lifestyle she can easily scroll through her
she can easily scroll through her
she can easily scroll through her private page and pick out what she likes
private page and pick out what she likes
private page and pick out what she likes wool box everything up and ship it right
wool box everything up and ship it right
wool box everything up and ship it right to her door anything she doesn’t feel
to her door anything she doesn’t feel
to her door anything she doesn’t feel grated or maybe she just changed her
grated or maybe she just changed her
grated or maybe she just changed her mind on she can put back in the box and
mind on she can put back in the box and
mind on she can put back in the box and send it back to us for free now we
send it back to us for free now we
send it back to us for free now we thought we were dreaming big when we
thought we were dreaming big when we
thought we were dreaming big when we decided we’ll start by serving the
decided we’ll start by serving the
decided we’ll start by serving the female population we thought it’s going
female population we thought it’s going
female population we thought it’s going to take years to build a reputation and
to take years to build a reputation and
to take years to build a reputation and for a new idea like this to gain any
for a new idea like this to gain any
for a new idea like this to gain any traction at all but since starting this
traction at all but since starting this
traction at all but since starting this project in February we’ve been
project in February we’ve been
project in February we’ve been overwhelmed by support and it’s a
overwhelmed by support and it’s a
overwhelmed by support and it’s a priority for us to be serving the male
priority for us to be serving the male
priority for us to be serving the male population that’s struggling as well
population that’s struggling as well
population that’s struggling as well there is no better alternative treatment
there is no better alternative treatment
there is no better alternative treatment centers know the importance of clothing
centers know the importance of clothing
centers know the importance of clothing and recovery but don’t have the time or
and recovery but don’t have the time or
and recovery but don’t have the time or resources to implement shopping into
resources to implement shopping into
resources to implement shopping into therapy sessions for example I have come
therapy sessions for example I have come
therapy sessions for example I have come to realize that potential
to realize that potential
to realize that potential that surrounded buying different clothes
that surrounded buying different clothes
that surrounded buying different clothes so I decided to pitch the idea of
so I decided to pitch the idea of
so I decided to pitch the idea of shopping with someone from my treatment
shopping with someone from my treatment
shopping with someone from my treatment team this wasn’t common but they pulled
team this wasn’t common but they pulled
team this wasn’t common but they pulled a lot of strings and were able to find a
a lot of strings and were able to find a
a lot of strings and were able to find a spare to ours and one of the therapists
spare to ours and one of the therapists
spare to ours and one of the therapists schedules as long as I paid for gas when
schedules as long as I paid for gas when
schedules as long as I paid for gas when you’re trying not to body check and
you’re trying not to body check and
you’re trying not to body check and there are glass doors and mirrors and
there are glass doors and mirrors and
there are glass doors and mirrors and your reflection is everywhere it was
your reflection is everywhere it was
your reflection is everywhere it was impossible to even get into a store
impossible to even get into a store
impossible to even get into a store without nitpicking my body in hmmm I
without nitpicking my body in hmmm I
without nitpicking my body in hmmm I would point to racks or things that I
would point to racks or things that I
would point to racks or things that I liked and she would pull the size that
liked and she would pull the size that
liked and she would pull the size that she thought I’d be I had to change with
she thought I’d be I had to change with
she thought I’d be I had to change with the door cracked so that she could make
the door cracked so that she could make
the door cracked so that she could make sure I wasn’t going to start body
sure I wasn’t going to start body
sure I wasn’t going to start body checking in the mirror I was a 24 year
checking in the mirror I was a 24 year
checking in the mirror I was a 24 year old girl changing with the door open
old girl changing with the door open
old girl changing with the door open while the therapist calmly tried to stop
while the therapist calmly tried to stop
while the therapist calmly tried to stop my tears because the skirt was too small
my tears because the skirt was too small
my tears because the skirt was too small everybody was staring when I attempted
everybody was staring when I attempted
everybody was staring when I attempted to peek at the size that I had on she
to peek at the size that I had on she
to peek at the size that I had on she immediately grabbed all the closes back
immediately grabbed all the closes back
immediately grabbed all the closes back from me and taught all the clothes back
from me and taught all the clothes back
from me and taught all the clothes back for me and tore the sizes out of each
for me and tore the sizes out of each
for me and tore the sizes out of each having worked retail for ten years I
having worked retail for ten years I
having worked retail for ten years I imagined the headache that we just
imagined the headache that we just
imagined the headache that we just created for all of those employees but
created for all of those employees but
created for all of those employees but my recovery was more important to her
my recovery was more important to her
my recovery was more important to her than honoring the hmm return policy even
than honoring the hmm return policy even
than honoring the hmm return policy even throughout all of that stress and
throughout all of that stress and
throughout all of that stress and inconvenience I was lucky because I had
inconvenience I was lucky because I had
inconvenience I was lucky because I had such a supportive treatment team most
such a supportive treatment team most
such a supportive treatment team most women don’t get an opportunity to cause
women don’t get an opportunity to cause
women don’t get an opportunity to cause a scene like that in a busy fitting room
a scene like that in a busy fitting room
a scene like that in a busy fitting room in the Aaron’s case she had to go across
in the Aaron’s case she had to go across
in the Aaron’s case she had to go across the country to find the kind of care
the country to find the kind of care
the country to find the kind of care that she needed with a lack of local
that she needed with a lack of local
that she needed with a lack of local resources even big cities like this it’s
resources even big cities like this it’s
resources even big cities like this it’s not uncommon for men and women to have
not uncommon for men and women to have
not uncommon for men and women to have to travel to find quality treatment
to travel to find quality treatment
to travel to find quality treatment typically patients are out of work the
typically patients are out of work the
typically patients are out of work the entire time they’re in treatment only
entire time they’re in treatment only
entire time they’re in treatment only magnifying the expensive being there and
magnifying the expensive being there and
magnifying the expensive being there and treatment is expensive according to the
treatment is expensive according to the
treatment is expensive according to the National Eating Disorder Association
National Eating Disorder Association
National Eating Disorder Association inpatient programs can cost up to
inpatient programs can cost up to
inpatient programs can cost up to $30,000 a month and outpatient programs
$30,000 a month and outpatient programs
$30,000 a month and outpatient programs don’t fall far behind insurance
don’t fall far behind insurance
don’t fall far behind insurance companies may cover your program at
companies may cover your program at
companies may cover your program at first but base your health on the
first but base your health on the
first but base your health on the absence of medical complications a lack
absence of medical complications a lack
absence of medical complications a lack of progress or even where you fall on
of progress or even where you fall on
of progress or even where you fall on the BMI chart ultimately this forces
the BMI chart ultimately this forces
the BMI chart ultimately this forces many patients to have to leave treatment
many patients to have to leave treatment
many patients to have to leave treatment early or find a way to pay the bills
early or find a way to pay the bills
early or find a way to pay the bills selves in an eating disorder it’s not
selves in an eating disorder it’s not
selves in an eating disorder it’s not uncommon to feel as though your identity
uncommon to feel as though your identity
uncommon to feel as though your identity is defined by a clothing size and sizes
is defined by a clothing size and sizes
is defined by a clothing size and sizes are often used as benchmarks by eating
are often used as benchmarks by eating
are often used as benchmarks by eating disorder standard eating disorders are
disorder standard eating disorders are
disorder standard eating disorders are also frequently accompanied by a
also frequently accompanied by a
also frequently accompanied by a negative body image ranging anywhere
negative body image ranging anywhere
negative body image ranging anywhere from general body dissatisfaction to
from general body dissatisfaction to
from general body dissatisfaction to total body image distortions and this
total body image distortions and this
total body image distortions and this cultural emphasis on clothing sizes and
cultural emphasis on clothing sizes and
cultural emphasis on clothing sizes and marketing of unrealistic body types can
marketing of unrealistic body types can
marketing of unrealistic body types can make it even harder as I spent my years
make it even harder as I spent my years
make it even harder as I spent my years in and out of treatment I accumulated
in and out of treatment I accumulated
in and out of treatment I accumulated many many boxes of clothes that ranged
many many boxes of clothes that ranged
many many boxes of clothes that ranged in sizes because my weight would change
in sizes because my weight would change
in sizes because my weight would change so often I had plenty of things to pick
so often I had plenty of things to pick
so often I had plenty of things to pick from but the size on the tag would tell
from but the size on the tag would tell
from but the size on the tag would tell me that I wasn’t good enough and that I
me that I wasn’t good enough and that I
me that I wasn’t good enough and that I was taking up too much space as I
was taking up too much space as I
was taking up too much space as I recovered I began to have a greater
recovered I began to have a greater
recovered I began to have a greater appreciation for my body and learn to
appreciation for my body and learn to
appreciation for my body and learn to accept the size I’m in now without
accept the size I’m in now without
accept the size I’m in now without letting that dictate my self-worth and
letting that dictate my self-worth and
letting that dictate my self-worth and even if the size on the tag on your
even if the size on the tag on your
even if the size on the tag on your clothes doesn’t cause you excessive
clothes doesn’t cause you excessive
clothes doesn’t cause you excessive anxiety
anxiety
anxiety everybody can certainly relate to the
everybody can certainly relate to the
everybody can certainly relate to the positives of having access to clothing
positives of having access to clothing
positives of having access to clothing that makes you feel great this isn’t
that makes you feel great this isn’t
that makes you feel great this isn’t just about eating disorders this is
just about eating disorders this is
just about eating disorders this is bigger than that this is about making
bigger than that this is about making
bigger than that this is about making people feel empowered and prepared and
people feel empowered and prepared and
people feel empowered and prepared and confident I want to use fashion to help
confident I want to use fashion to help
confident I want to use fashion to help others because fashion is where I found
others because fashion is where I found
others because fashion is where I found my confidence it does not matter what
my confidence it does not matter what
my confidence it does not matter what size my skirt is it only matters that I
size my skirt is it only matters that I
size my skirt is it only matters that I feel as capable and worthy and as
feel as capable and worthy and as
feel as capable and worthy and as amazing as I am in it thank you
amazing as I am in it thank you
amazing as I am in it thank you [Applause]
[Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
”
Be First to Comment