[Music] [Applause]
[Applause]
[Applause] I’m the kind of neighbor that delivers
I’m the kind of neighbor that delivers
I’m the kind of neighbor that delivers pies door-to-door and rallies people for
pies door-to-door and rallies people for
pies door-to-door and rallies people for Park cleanups and organizes block
Park cleanups and organizes block
Park cleanups and organizes block parties I love connecting with people
parties I love connecting with people
parties I love connecting with people and I’ve worked really hard to build
and I’ve worked really hard to build
and I’ve worked really hard to build strong relationships all across my
strong relationships all across my
strong relationships all across my neighborhood but something happened this
neighborhood but something happened this
neighborhood but something happened this last fall that caused me to call into
last fall that caused me to call into
last fall that caused me to call into question some of the goodwill that I
question some of the goodwill that I
question some of the goodwill that I thought that I had built a few days
thought that I had built a few days
thought that I had built a few days after the election I posted something on
after the election I posted something on
after the election I posted something on Facebook reflecting my own political
Facebook reflecting my own political
Facebook reflecting my own political position and in among some fairly
position and in among some fairly
position and in among some fairly hostile comments from strangers one
hostile comments from strangers one
hostile comments from strangers one really caught my attention and piled
really caught my attention and piled
really caught my attention and piled onto the others and mocked me called me
onto the others and mocked me called me
onto the others and mocked me called me names and accused me of some things that
names and accused me of some things that
names and accused me of some things that just weren’t true and what really stood
just weren’t true and what really stood
just weren’t true and what really stood out about this one was that the woman
out about this one was that the woman
out about this one was that the woman who wrote it lives just a block away
who wrote it lives just a block away
who wrote it lives just a block away from me we had worked together on a
from me we had worked together on a
from me we had worked together on a number of neighborhood projects we’ve
number of neighborhood projects we’ve
number of neighborhood projects we’ve eaten together and laugh together and
eaten together and laugh together and
eaten together and laugh together and shopped each other’s garage sales and
shopped each other’s garage sales and
shopped each other’s garage sales and there was nothing in our real-life
there was nothing in our real-life
there was nothing in our real-life experience that could explain the way
experience that could explain the way
experience that could explain the way that she apparently felt about me now
that she apparently felt about me now
that she apparently felt about me now reading it was so bewildering it was
reading it was so bewildering it was
reading it was so bewildering it was like a friend had just dumped hot
like a friend had just dumped hot
like a friend had just dumped hot garbage on my head and then walked away
garbage on my head and then walked away
garbage on my head and then walked away and I was struck with the fact that this
and I was struck with the fact that this
and I was struck with the fact that this trusting community that I was trying to
trusting community that I was trying to
trusting community that I was trying to build was just a farce if the moment
build was just a farce if the moment
build was just a farce if the moment that we were outed as being on the other
that we were outed as being on the other
that we were outed as being on the other team all of a sudden our block parties
team all of a sudden our block parties
team all of a sudden our block parties and Park cleanups just fell apart my
and Park cleanups just fell apart my
and Park cleanups just fell apart my politics are an important part of who I
politics are an important part of who I
politics are an important part of who I am they’re the way that my values get
am they’re the way that my values get
am they’re the way that my values get translated into real life and I didn’t
translated into real life and I didn’t
translated into real life and I didn’t want to have to hide that from houses my
want to have to hide that from houses my
want to have to hide that from houses my neighborhood or passive-aggressively
neighborhood or passive-aggressively
neighborhood or passive-aggressively tiptoe around them I wanted a place
tiptoe around them I wanted a place
tiptoe around them I wanted a place where read people and blue people could
where read people and blue people could
where read people and blue people could talk openly and honestly and with
talk openly and honestly and with
talk openly and honestly and with conviction about these things but at the
conviction about these things but at the
conviction about these things but at the same time with gentleness to each other
same time with gentleness to each other
same time with gentleness to each other I wanted kind of a purple place so I
I wanted kind of a purple place so I
I wanted kind of a purple place so I reached out to her to grab a cup of
reached out to her to grab a cup of
reached out to her to grab a cup of coffee and when I didn’t hear back right
coffee and when I didn’t hear back right
coffee and when I didn’t hear back right away with nobody else to talk to you I
away with nobody else to talk to you I
away with nobody else to talk to you I did the only obvious thing I invited a
did the only obvious thing I invited a
did the only obvious thing I invited a thousand people to dinner for real
thousand people to dinner for real
thousand people to dinner for real I posted on our neighbourhood forum an
I posted on our neighbourhood forum an
I posted on our neighbourhood forum an open invitation to come talk politics so
open invitation to come talk politics so
open invitation to come talk politics so about 40 people responded some were
about 40 people responded some were
about 40 people responded some were excited some were curious one woman sent
excited some were curious one woman sent
excited some were curious one woman sent me a clip of a movie from the 80s where
me a clip of a movie from the 80s where
me a clip of a movie from the 80s where people talked politics over dinner and
people talked politics over dinner and
people talked politics over dinner and then there’s a murder at the end so a
then there’s a murder at the end so a
then there’s a murder at the end so a lot of feelings out but I organized this
lot of feelings out but I organized this
lot of feelings out but I organized this into smaller groups that reflected a
into smaller groups that reflected a
into smaller groups that reflected a cross-section of the neighborhood so
cross-section of the neighborhood so
cross-section of the neighborhood so when we gathered for that first potluck
when we gathered for that first potluck
when we gathered for that first potluck around our table we had a retired
around our table we had a retired
around our table we had a retired steelworker and his wife a mixed-race
steelworker and his wife a mixed-race
steelworker and his wife a mixed-race gay couple in their 20s an evangelical
gay couple in their 20s an evangelical
gay couple in their 20s an evangelical home school mom a white doctor who
home school mom a white doctor who
home school mom a white doctor who worked with with Latino immigrants and a
worked with with Latino immigrants and a
worked with with Latino immigrants and a gentleman in his 70s who was both part
gentleman in his 70s who was both part
gentleman in his 70s who was both part of the Tea Party movement and Occupy
of the Tea Party movement and Occupy
of the Tea Party movement and Occupy Wall Street so after some initial
Wall Street so after some initial
Wall Street so after some initial introductions and some passing of
introductions and some passing of
introductions and some passing of casseroles we got right into it and it
casseroles we got right into it and it
casseroles we got right into it and it took me about an hour to figure out why
took me about an hour to figure out why
took me about an hour to figure out why this conversation was such a total train
this conversation was such a total train
this conversation was such a total train wreck and then another hour for it to
wreck and then another hour for it to
wreck and then another hour for it to become something really powerful for
become something really powerful for
become something really powerful for that first hour we sat there just
that first hour we sat there just
that first hour we sat there just lobbing talking points back and forth
lobbing talking points back and forth
lobbing talking points back and forth like we had little cable news pundits
like we had little cable news pundits
like we had little cable news pundits just feeding us our lines and it was
just feeding us our lines and it was
just feeding us our lines and it was somehow both abusive and really boring
somehow both abusive and really boring
somehow both abusive and really boring at the same time like like we were a
at the same time like like we were a
at the same time like like we were a bunch of kind of disinterested medieval
bunch of kind of disinterested medieval
bunch of kind of disinterested medieval soldiers half-heartedly chucking flaming
soldiers half-heartedly chucking flaming
soldiers half-heartedly chucking flaming Spears at each other across a swamp and
Spears at each other across a swamp and
Spears at each other across a swamp and I realized that this conversation was
I realized that this conversation was
I realized that this conversation was just not gonna go anywhere
just not gonna go anywhere
just not gonna go anywhere until we could move it from this game of
until we could move it from this game of
until we could move it from this game of mental ping-pong to something much more
mental ping-pong to something much more
mental ping-pong to something much more substantial so every time that someone
substantial so every time that someone
substantial so every time that someone put out a political position I started
put out a political position I started
put out a political position I started to ask what is it that you want to be in
to ask what is it that you want to be in
to ask what is it that you want to be in the world that you feel like you’re not
the world that you feel like you’re not
the world that you feel like you’re not seeing now that you hope that this
seeing now that you hope that this
seeing now that you hope that this position can help bring to reality in
position can help bring to reality in
position can help bring to reality in other words what’s the world that you
other words what’s the world that you
other words what’s the world that you long to live in that you want to help
long to live in that you want to help
long to live in that you want to help create and it still took asking that
create and it still took asking that
create and it still took asking that question five or six different ways but
question five or six different ways but
question five or six different ways but we started to move to something deeper
we started to move to something deeper
we started to move to something deeper and I remember really vividly the moment
and I remember really vividly the moment
and I remember really vividly the moment that one neighbor after wrestling
that one neighbor after wrestling
that one neighbor after wrestling through his talking points finally said
through his talking points finally said
through his talking points finally said in exasperation I just want us to take
in exasperation I just want us to take
in exasperation I just want us to take care of each other in the places where
care of each other in the places where
care of each other in the places where the fabric of family and society have
the fabric of family and society have
the fabric of family and society have been damaged so we can
been damaged so we can
been damaged so we can break these destructive cycles and there
break these destructive cycles and there
break these destructive cycles and there was a pause as the neighbor across the
was a pause as the neighbor across the
was a pause as the neighbor across the aisle said yeah that’s exactly what I
aisle said yeah that’s exactly what I
aisle said yeah that’s exactly what I want too so at these conversations
want too so at these conversations
want too so at these conversations continued I started to get really
continued I started to get really
continued I started to get really excited with what was happening and I
excited with what was happening and I
excited with what was happening and I decided to take this experiment beyond
decided to take this experiment beyond
decided to take this experiment beyond the dinners so I started looking for
the dinners so I started looking for
the dinners so I started looking for these conversations everywhere at the
these conversations everywhere at the
these conversations everywhere at the supermarket at the gas station with
supermarket at the gas station with
supermarket at the gas station with Airbnb guests with unsuspecting
Airbnb guests with unsuspecting
Airbnb guests with unsuspecting missionaries showing up at my door
missionaries showing up at my door
missionaries showing up at my door nobody was safe but I was so enjoying it
nobody was safe but I was so enjoying it
nobody was safe but I was so enjoying it and I was learning it learning and being
and I was learning it learning and being
and I was learning it learning and being challenged so much but the problem was
challenged so much but the problem was
challenged so much but the problem was that the more of these conversations I
that the more of these conversations I
that the more of these conversations I had the angrier and angrier I found
had the angrier and angrier I found
had the angrier and angrier I found myself becoming spending a lot of time
myself becoming spending a lot of time
myself becoming spending a lot of time talking to myself over the dishes like
talking to myself over the dishes like
talking to myself over the dishes like why am I the only one asking questions
why am I the only one asking questions
why am I the only one asking questions here I’m being humbly open to change and
here I’m being humbly open to change and
here I’m being humbly open to change and these jerks are leaving with their dumb
these jerks are leaving with their dumb
these jerks are leaving with their dumb ideas totally intact
I was working so hard to be a bridge
I was working so hard to be a bridge builder but I felt like I was biting my
builder but I felt like I was biting my
builder but I felt like I was biting my tongue about things that were really
tongue about things that were really
tongue about things that were really important to me I felt like not only was
important to me I felt like not only was
important to me I felt like not only was I betraying my own values but I was
I betraying my own values but I was
I betraying my own values but I was abandoning people that were counting on
abandoning people that were counting on
abandoning people that were counting on me to say something and my gentleness
me to say something and my gentleness
me to say something and my gentleness and empathy started to feel like a moral
and empathy started to feel like a moral
and empathy started to feel like a moral failure and I found myself either
failure and I found myself either
failure and I found myself either silently seething or lashing out in
silently seething or lashing out in
silently seething or lashing out in righteous fury I realized I had to go
righteous fury I realized I had to go
righteous fury I realized I had to go back and figure out the recipe for
back and figure out the recipe for
back and figure out the recipe for creating a really genuinely open space
creating a really genuinely open space
creating a really genuinely open space for them genuinely open that I could
for them genuinely open that I could
for them genuinely open that I could also authentically live in so I went
also authentically live in so I went
also authentically live in so I went back and realized that there were three
back and realized that there were three
back and realized that there were three things that I had to commit to the first
things that I had to commit to the first
things that I had to commit to the first one surprise them with safety we come to
one surprise them with safety we come to
one surprise them with safety we come to these conversations armed and ready for
these conversations armed and ready for
these conversations armed and ready for battle but I realized that every time
battle but I realized that every time
battle but I realized that every time that I picked up my own sphere of
that I picked up my own sphere of
that I picked up my own sphere of sarcasm or self defense or cold
sarcasm or self defense or cold
sarcasm or self defense or cold shouldering all it meant was that they
shouldering all it meant was that they
shouldering all it meant was that they held on to theirs even tighter I
held on to theirs even tighter I
held on to theirs even tighter I realized in my own life that I have
realized in my own life that I have
realized in my own life that I have never changed in any good way by being
never changed in any good way by being
never changed in any good way by being lectured or humiliated I’ve changed by
lectured or humiliated I’ve changed by
lectured or humiliated I’ve changed by discovering that a person that I thought
discovering that a person that I thought
discovering that a person that I thought was dangerous was really safe and
was dangerous was really safe and
was dangerous was really safe and welcoming and when I discovered that
welcoming and when I discovered that
welcoming and when I discovered that they weren’t going to destroy everything
they weren’t going to destroy everything
they weren’t going to destroy everything that I cared about it was a lot more
that I cared about it was a lot more
that I cared about it was a lot more open to dipping and exploratory toe into
open to dipping and exploratory toe into
open to dipping and exploratory toe into new water so I realized that I had to
new water so I realized that I had to
new water so I realized that I had to let go of the need to defend myself or
let go of the need to defend myself or
let go of the need to defend myself or fix their thinking or change them at all
fix their thinking or change them at all
fix their thinking or change them at all I had to lay down my spears and armor
I had to lay down my spears and armor
I had to lay down my spears and armor and Surprise them with safety well that
and Surprise them with safety well that
and Surprise them with safety well that made it possible to then move to the
made it possible to then move to the
made it possible to then move to the next commitment which was to move to the
next commitment which was to move to the
next commitment which was to move to the heart one neighbor told me that he
heart one neighbor told me that he
heart one neighbor told me that he thought we should keep emotion out of
thought we should keep emotion out of
thought we should keep emotion out of politics let’s just be logical he said
politics let’s just be logical he said
politics let’s just be logical he said the problem is it’s all emotion whether
the problem is it’s all emotion whether
the problem is it’s all emotion whether it’s abortion or immigration or the debt
it’s abortion or immigration or the debt
it’s abortion or immigration or the debt ceiling we only care about these things
ceiling we only care about these things
ceiling we only care about these things because they touch on stuff that’s far
because they touch on stuff that’s far
because they touch on stuff that’s far more important to us and our
more important to us and our
more important to us and our conversations our dinners only started
conversations our dinners only started
conversations our dinners only started to become something transformational
to become something transformational
to become something transformational when we started asking questions that
when we started asking questions that
when we started asking questions that required us to answer not from the head
required us to answer not from the head
required us to answer not from the head but from the gut questions
but from the gut questions
but from the gut questions about fear and hope and loss and longing
about fear and hope and loss and longing
about fear and hope and loss and longing and moving to those deeper places open
and moving to those deeper places open
and moving to those deeper places open the door for us to do the third
the door for us to do the third
the door for us to do the third commitment which is to co-create with
commitment which is to co-create with
commitment which is to co-create with conviction another neighbor told me that
conviction another neighbor told me that
conviction another neighbor told me that he didn’t think you could expect people
he didn’t think you could expect people
he didn’t think you could expect people to be open to change
to be open to change
to be open to change you could only expect them to engage in
you could only expect them to engage in
you could only expect them to engage in dialogue but I think that those are the
dialogue but I think that those are the
dialogue but I think that those are the same thing
same thing
same thing because dialogue is not a game of tennis
because dialogue is not a game of tennis
because dialogue is not a game of tennis where somebody wins and somebody loses
where somebody wins and somebody loses
where somebody wins and somebody loses dialogue is an effort to create
dialogue is an effort to create
dialogue is an effort to create something new it’s a bunch of people
something new it’s a bunch of people
something new it’s a bunch of people bringing different colors and shapes
bringing different colors and shapes
bringing different colors and shapes shaped blocks to a table and discovering
shaped blocks to a table and discovering
shaped blocks to a table and discovering what they can build together that they
what they can build together that they
what they can build together that they couldn’t have built separately it’s a
couldn’t have built separately it’s a
couldn’t have built separately it’s a lot easier to do that at a dinner when
lot easier to do that at a dinner when
lot easier to do that at a dinner when you’ve got lots of different
you’ve got lots of different
you’ve got lots of different perspectives on the table it’s harder
perspectives on the table it’s harder
perspectives on the table it’s harder one-on-one to not feel like an
one-on-one to not feel like an
one-on-one to not feel like an escalating debate but I discovered that
escalating debate but I discovered that
escalating debate but I discovered that I could commit to that attitude of
I could commit to that attitude of
I could commit to that attitude of co-creation then I could offer my
co-creation then I could offer my
co-creation then I could offer my contradictory idea not as a weapon but
contradictory idea not as a weapon but
contradictory idea not as a weapon but as a gift that we both needed and it
as a gift that we both needed and it
as a gift that we both needed and it freed me from the tension of feeling
freed me from the tension of feeling
freed me from the tension of feeling like I had to choose between kindness or
like I had to choose between kindness or
like I had to choose between kindness or conviction I could do both and in the
conviction I could do both and in the
conviction I could do both and in the best moments that co-creation didn’t
best moments that co-creation didn’t
best moments that co-creation didn’t lead us to some perfect magical solution
lead us to some perfect magical solution
lead us to some perfect magical solution but it took us to a moment of confusion
but it took us to a moment of confusion
but it took us to a moment of confusion where we both realized that maybe we saw
where we both realized that maybe we saw
where we both realized that maybe we saw the value and validity on the other side
the value and validity on the other side
the value and validity on the other side and that while we might have to
and that while we might have to
and that while we might have to prioritize and advocate for one over the
prioritize and advocate for one over the
prioritize and advocate for one over the other
other
other we could still actively support and work
we could still actively support and work
we could still actively support and work for the other value – again it could be
for the other value – again it could be
for the other value – again it could be both but you can’t get to those shared
both but you can’t get to those shared
both but you can’t get to those shared values until you move to the heart you
values until you move to the heart you
values until you move to the heart you can’t move to the heart until you make
can’t move to the heart until you make
can’t move to the heart until you make it safe so as I started to practice
it safe so as I started to practice
it safe so as I started to practice build the muscle of surprising them with
build the muscle of surprising them with
build the muscle of surprising them with safety moving to the heart and
safety moving to the heart and
safety moving to the heart and co-creating with conviction my
co-creating with conviction my
co-creating with conviction my conversations got better I started to
conversations got better I started to
conversations got better I started to see more trust and openness emerge but
see more trust and openness emerge but
see more trust and openness emerge but it was still hit and miss I still bombed
it was still hit and miss I still bombed
it was still hit and miss I still bombed it royally and then sometimes I do
it royally and then sometimes I do
it royally and then sometimes I do everything perfectly and the other
everything perfectly and the other
everything perfectly and the other person could not meet me there and that
person could not meet me there and that
person could not meet me there and that was really frustrating but that’s
was really frustrating but that’s
was really frustrating but that’s reality that there may not be recipe
reality that there may not be recipe
reality that there may not be recipe there may not be mutual openness because
there may not be mutual openness because
there may not be mutual openness because openness is not normal normal is closed
openness is not normal normal is closed
openness is not normal normal is closed it is a lot safer a lot more comfortable
it is a lot safer a lot more comfortable
it is a lot safer a lot more comfortable to surround yourself with a cocoon of
to surround yourself with a cocoon of
to surround yourself with a cocoon of agreement or to defend your position and
agreement or to defend your position and
agreement or to defend your position and pitch your Spears from behind a wall or
pitch your Spears from behind a wall or
pitch your Spears from behind a wall or to just disengage and check out openness
to just disengage and check out openness
to just disengage and check out openness requires effort and it is painful
requires effort and it is painful
requires effort and it is painful because when you choose to lay down your
because when you choose to lay down your
because when you choose to lay down your weapon and step into the middle of a
weapon and step into the middle of a
weapon and step into the middle of a battlefield you open yourself to a lot
battlefield you open yourself to a lot
battlefield you open yourself to a lot of hurt and in some relationships and
of hurt and in some relationships and
of hurt and in some relationships and for some who’s been hurt it’s not a good
for some who’s been hurt it’s not a good
for some who’s been hurt it’s not a good idea but if you like me feel like our
idea but if you like me feel like our
idea but if you like me feel like our civic life depends on us finding a
civic life depends on us finding a
civic life depends on us finding a better way to be together then I think
better way to be together then I think
better way to be together then I think it’s worth continuing to try because
it’s worth continuing to try because
it’s worth continuing to try because purple places do not require just a
purple places do not require just a
purple places do not require just a ceasefire between red and blue they need
ceasefire between red and blue they need
ceasefire between red and blue they need people who are committed to staying open
people who are committed to staying open
people who are committed to staying open to stepping into the middle and even
to stepping into the middle and even
to stepping into the middle and even when it hard when even when it’s hard
when it hard when even when it’s hard
when it hard when even when it’s hard being purple thank you
being purple thank you
being purple thank you [Applause]
”
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