[Music] when I pass my PhD I cried I don’t mean
when I pass my PhD I cried I don’t mean
when I pass my PhD I cried I don’t mean I did something very British and kept a
I did something very British and kept a
I did something very British and kept a stiff upper lip and removed myself to a
stiff upper lip and removed myself to a
stiff upper lip and removed myself to a dark corner and composed myself I howled
dark corner and composed myself I howled
dark corner and composed myself I howled I howled in public now like a lot of
I howled in public now like a lot of
I howled in public now like a lot of important moments of my life this moment
important moments of my life this moment
important moments of my life this moment happened by accident I was curating a
happened by accident I was curating a
happened by accident I was curating a conference very much like this one and
conference very much like this one and
conference very much like this one and my supervisor was walking in so being
my supervisor was walking in so being
my supervisor was walking in so being the sort of person that I am I opened
the sort of person that I am I opened
the sort of person that I am I opened the door and he comes in and he’s with a
the door and he comes in and he’s with a
the door and he comes in and he’s with a new member of staff so there’s a tense
new member of staff so there’s a tense
new member of staff so there’s a tense moment of adjustment where we make the
moment of adjustment where we make the
moment of adjustment where we make the professional introductions and I’m
professional introductions and I’m
professional introductions and I’m thinking and don’t look stupid make eye
thinking and don’t look stupid make eye
thinking and don’t look stupid make eye contact and I’m listening to him and he
contact and I’m listening to him and he
contact and I’m listening to him and he says this is Jess Hartley dr. Jess
says this is Jess Hartley dr. Jess
says this is Jess Hartley dr. Jess Hartley and he realizes I don’t know and
Hartley and he realizes I don’t know and
Hartley and he realizes I don’t know and he smirks and he says she passed her PhD
he smirks and he says she passed her PhD
he smirks and he says she passed her PhD today
I have a feeling that I didn’t appear
I have a feeling that I didn’t appear quite as professional as I might have
quite as professional as I might have
quite as professional as I might have wanted and I think that is down to a
wanted and I think that is down to a
wanted and I think that is down to a couple of factors the noise ah as it hit
couple of factors the noise ah as it hit
couple of factors the noise ah as it hit my body
my body
my body it’s tsunami of tears that arrived and
it’s tsunami of tears that arrived and
it’s tsunami of tears that arrived and maybe it’s just me but I know as soon as
maybe it’s just me but I know as soon as
maybe it’s just me but I know as soon as I cry a lot something else is gonna
I cry a lot something else is gonna
I cry a lot something else is gonna happen snot
happen snot
happen snot there was a lot of snot I’m not gonna
there was a lot of snot I’m not gonna
there was a lot of snot I’m not gonna lie and maybe you’re wondering why hit
lie and maybe you’re wondering why hit
lie and maybe you’re wondering why hit me so hard I felt it in my body because
me so hard I felt it in my body because
me so hard I felt it in my body because I’ve worked for this I spent seven years
I’ve worked for this I spent seven years
I’ve worked for this I spent seven years of my life diligently working towards
of my life diligently working towards
of my life diligently working towards this one moment well the truth is that
this one moment well the truth is that
this one moment well the truth is that up until that moment I believed I knew
up until that moment I believed I knew
up until that moment I believed I knew that people like me don’t become
that people like me don’t become
that people like me don’t become academics now I bet you were looking at
academics now I bet you were looking at
academics now I bet you were looking at me and you’re thinking there’s an
me and you’re thinking there’s an
me and you’re thinking there’s an academic it’s only the glasses all right
academic it’s only the glasses all right
academic it’s only the glasses all right take those off I’m slightly all good
take those off I’m slightly all good
take those off I’m slightly all good awkward ginger woman no I do have a lot
awkward ginger woman no I do have a lot
awkward ginger woman no I do have a lot of privileges the color of my skin opens
of privileges the color of my skin opens
of privileges the color of my skin opens that door for me that I haven’t even
that door for me that I haven’t even
that door for me that I haven’t even considered needed opening because I’m
considered needed opening because I’m
considered needed opening because I’m middle class and that affords me with an
middle class and that affords me with an
middle class and that affords me with an expectation and an aspiration I may be a
expectation and an aspiration I may be a
expectation and an aspiration I may be a woman but I’m slightly unruly woman what
woman but I’m slightly unruly woman what
woman but I’m slightly unruly woman what I mean when I say people like me are
I mean when I say people like me are
I mean when I say people like me are people who struggle to write as soon as
people who struggle to write as soon as
people who struggle to write as soon as you give me a pen or a laptop
you give me a pen or a laptop
you give me a pen or a laptop I am rendered inarticulate I have been
I am rendered inarticulate I have been
I am rendered inarticulate I have been told so many times that my handwriting
told so many times that my handwriting
told so many times that my handwriting is atrocious
is atrocious
is atrocious I’m a doctor now though that’s only to
I’m a doctor now though that’s only to
I’m a doctor now though that’s only to be expected
be expected
be expected but my spelling is also atrocious I’m
but my spelling is also atrocious I’m
but my spelling is also atrocious I’m also someone that needs to move to think
also someone that needs to move to think
also someone that needs to move to think you have no idea how hard it is right
you have no idea how hard it is right
you have no idea how hard it is right now I’m not allowed to go beyond the red
now I’m not allowed to go beyond the red
now I’m not allowed to go beyond the red spot I need to move to think and I need
spot I need to move to think and I need
spot I need to move to think and I need to talk in order to know what I think
to talk in order to know what I think
to talk in order to know what I think sit down stop chatting you are here to
sit down stop chatting you are here to
sit down stop chatting you are here to learn and that behavior disrupts the
learn and that behavior disrupts the
learn and that behavior disrupts the learning of others I am one of those
learning of others I am one of those
learning of others I am one of those people who feel ashamed when I give my
people who feel ashamed when I give my
people who feel ashamed when I give my work to someone else and I know that
work to someone else and I know that
work to someone else and I know that this is gonna hurt now partially this is
this is gonna hurt now partially this is
this is gonna hurt now partially this is a story about dyslexia we’re gonna leave
a story about dyslexia we’re gonna leave
a story about dyslexia we’re gonna leave that to one side partially this is a
that to one side partially this is a
that to one side partially this is a story about unruliness and what it is to
story about unruliness and what it is to
story about unruliness and what it is to be an unruly woman and by that I mean I
be an unruly woman and by that I mean I
be an unruly woman and by that I mean I don’t like rules how many of us do if
don’t like rules how many of us do if
don’t like rules how many of us do if you tell me not to walk on the grass I’m
you tell me not to walk on the grass I’m
you tell me not to walk on the grass I’m gonna want to know why what’s so special
gonna want to know why what’s so special
gonna want to know why what’s so special about this piece of grass and what’s the
about this piece of grass and what’s the
about this piece of grass and what’s the point of a park anyway if it’s not to
point of a park anyway if it’s not to
point of a park anyway if it’s not to run about on and I’m so busy questioning
run about on and I’m so busy questioning
run about on and I’m so busy questioning the rules that I’m walking on the grass
the rules that I’m walking on the grass
the rules that I’m walking on the grass and I’m being disobedient
and I’m being disobedient
and I’m being disobedient unintentionally education is a bit like
unintentionally education is a bit like
unintentionally education is a bit like that there are a lot of rules the first
that there are a lot of rules the first
that there are a lot of rules the first one is that you mustn’t mention body
one is that you mustn’t mention body
one is that you mustn’t mention body fluids there’s also not a lot of
fluids there’s also not a lot of
fluids there’s also not a lot of laughter in education there’s a lot of
laughter in education there’s a lot of
laughter in education there’s a lot of rules and there’s a lot of expectations
rules and there’s a lot of expectations
rules and there’s a lot of expectations and codes about the way that we believe
and codes about the way that we believe
and codes about the way that we believe that we should behave people don’t often
that we should behave people don’t often
that we should behave people don’t often talk about love in education and snot
talk about love in education and snot
talk about love in education and snot and laughter and love
and laughter and love
and laughter and love so potent that that for me they’re a
so potent that that for me they’re a
so potent that that for me they’re a part of like what makes life worth
part of like what makes life worth
part of like what makes life worth living so scroll forward a few years I’m
living so scroll forward a few years I’m
living so scroll forward a few years I’m a teacher I started in primary and
a teacher I started in primary and
a teacher I started in primary and secondary schools and now I teach here
secondary schools and now I teach here
secondary schools and now I teach here in the Royal Central Schools future drop
in the Royal Central Schools future drop
in the Royal Central Schools future drop be academic if I had a pound for every
be academic if I had a pound for every
be academic if I had a pound for every time a student has come to my office
time a student has come to my office
time a student has come to my office knocked on my door and asked me to help
knocked on my door and asked me to help
knocked on my door and asked me to help them to be an academic I’d be really
them to be an academic I’d be really
them to be an academic I’d be really really rich I can have a whole new
really rich I can have a whole new
really rich I can have a whole new wardrobe black t-shirt maybe they
wardrobe black t-shirt maybe they
wardrobe black t-shirt maybe they couldn’t have been cashmere or silk
couldn’t have been cashmere or silk
couldn’t have been cashmere or silk maybe not silk because I’d snot on it
but isn’t that interesting how do I
but isn’t that interesting how do I become an academic how do I change who I
become an academic how do I change who I
become an academic how do I change who I am in order to fit a regulated system
am in order to fit a regulated system
am in order to fit a regulated system these students have learnt to be an
these students have learnt to be an
these students have learnt to be an academic is to not be like them they
academic is to not be like them they
academic is to not be like them they have learned that they need to learn a
have learned that they need to learn a
have learned that they need to learn a whole new language and behave in a whole
whole new language and behave in a whole
whole new language and behave in a whole new way in order to conform and fit I
new way in order to conform and fit I
new way in order to conform and fit I had also internalized those mechanisms
had also internalized those mechanisms
had also internalized those mechanisms we have learned that in order to sound
we have learned that in order to sound
we have learned that in order to sound like an academic we need to use long
like an academic we need to use long
like an academic we need to use long fancy where it’s like epistemology
and what you must never do as an
and what you must never do as an academic is say the word
interesting response laughter an intake
interesting response laughter an intake of breath what I’ve just done is behave
of breath what I’ve just done is behave
of breath what I’ve just done is behave in the wrong way to be an academic is to
in the wrong way to be an academic is to
in the wrong way to be an academic is to use the word epistemology and not use
use the word epistemology and not use
use the word epistemology and not use the word how many of the of you in
the word how many of the of you in
the word how many of the of you in this room understand the word
this room understand the word
this room understand the word epistemology yeah how many of you in
epistemology yeah how many of you in
epistemology yeah how many of you in this room know the other word the clever
this room know the other word the clever
this room know the other word the clever bit is knowing the fancy words the
bit is knowing the fancy words the
bit is knowing the fancy words the clever bit is knowing that when to say
clever bit is knowing that when to say
clever bit is knowing that when to say them and how to say them both of those
them and how to say them both of those
them and how to say them both of those words are deeply threatening but
words are deeply threatening but
words are deeply threatening but epistemology is the right way to be
epistemology is the right way to be
epistemology is the right way to be threatening but anyone that says it
threatening but anyone that says it
threatening but anyone that says it renders a distance between them and the
renders a distance between them and the
renders a distance between them and the people who are listening you either know
people who are listening you either know
people who are listening you either know what it is or you don’t and if you don’t
what it is or you don’t and if you don’t
what it is or you don’t and if you don’t know what it is then maybe you feel
know what it is then maybe you feel
know what it is then maybe you feel inferior because what we need to do in
inferior because what we need to do in
inferior because what we need to do in order to conform to the Academy is to
order to conform to the Academy is to
order to conform to the Academy is to speak the words of others rather than
speak the words of others rather than
speak the words of others rather than the words of ourselves I learned very
the words of ourselves I learned very
the words of ourselves I learned very early on in my education that I was
early on in my education that I was
early on in my education that I was wrong and this sense of wrongness led me
wrong and this sense of wrongness led me
wrong and this sense of wrongness led me to feel ashamed of my work research on
to feel ashamed of my work research on
to feel ashamed of my work research on shame by Gersten Kaufman talks about
shame by Gersten Kaufman talks about
shame by Gersten Kaufman talks about questions of Who am I and where do I
questions of Who am I and where do I
questions of Who am I and where do I belong questions I hear every day in
belong questions I hear every day in
belong questions I hear every day in that knock on the door help me to be
that knock on the door help me to be
that knock on the door help me to be should I be here do I belong here am i
should I be here do I belong here am i
should I be here do I belong here am i being authentic to myself yes he says
being authentic to myself yes he says
being authentic to myself yes he says that these questions are forged within
that these questions are forged within
that these questions are forged within the crucible of shame
the crucible of shame
the crucible of shame it’s a lovely image isn’t it education
it’s a lovely image isn’t it education
it’s a lovely image isn’t it education utilizes shame as a potent behavior
utilizes shame as a potent behavior
utilizes shame as a potent behavior modifier that is when I perform an
modifier that is when I perform an
modifier that is when I perform an action in front of other people and I
action in front of other people and I
action in front of other people and I receive a negative response for it I
receive a negative response for it I
receive a negative response for it I feel shame and I change my behavior
someone once looked at me and said is
someone once looked at me and said is that what doctors where is it and I
that what doctors where is it and I
that what doctors where is it and I looked down at my jeans and my sneakers
looked down at my jeans and my sneakers
looked down at my jeans and my sneakers and I was rendered inarticulate the true
and I was rendered inarticulate the true
and I was rendered inarticulate the true answer to that is I’m a doctor this is
answer to that is I’m a doctor this is
answer to that is I’m a doctor this is what I’m wearing today but the shame of
what I’m wearing today but the shame of
what I’m wearing today but the shame of my education stops me from participating
my education stops me from participating
my education stops me from participating in the conversation research from
in the conversation research from
in the conversation research from Montana State University talks about
Montana State University talks about
Montana State University talks about this a very thing it says that cycles of
this a very thing it says that cycles of
this a very thing it says that cycles of shame stop a person’s ability to believe
shame stop a person’s ability to believe
shame stop a person’s ability to believe in change I’m going to repeat that with
in change I’m going to repeat that with
in change I’m going to repeat that with a different emphasis if we continue to
a different emphasis if we continue to
a different emphasis if we continue to educate young people through a cycle of
educate young people through a cycle of
educate young people through a cycle of shame particularly people from
shame particularly people from
shame particularly people from marginalized communities who already
marginalized communities who already
marginalized communities who already being courageous when they face us then
being courageous when they face us then
being courageous when they face us then we risk telling those people that their
we risk telling those people that their
we risk telling those people that their voices don’t matter because nothing’s
voices don’t matter because nothing’s
voices don’t matter because nothing’s going to change
that what if we stopped talking
that what if we stopped talking about academic knowledge and started
about academic knowledge and started
about academic knowledge and started talking about articulating knowledge if
talking about articulating knowledge if
talking about articulating knowledge if I want to learn how to pirouette I
I want to learn how to pirouette I
I want to learn how to pirouette I probably fall off the stage but so let’s
probably fall off the stage but so let’s
probably fall off the stage but so let’s not go there if I want to learn it I am
not go there if I want to learn it I am
not go there if I want to learn it I am NOT going to read about it in a book
NOT going to read about it in a book
NOT going to read about it in a book I might go to Carlos Acosta or Libby
I might go to Carlos Acosta or Libby
I might go to Carlos Acosta or Libby Spencer to amazing dancers in ballet and
Spencer to amazing dancers in ballet and
Spencer to amazing dancers in ballet and in tap who really thoroughly and fully
in tap who really thoroughly and fully
in tap who really thoroughly and fully engage with the form and the technique
engage with the form and the technique
engage with the form and the technique but what they also do is they put
but what they also do is they put
but what they also do is they put themselves within it and they take their
themselves within it and they take their
themselves within it and they take their technique to the boundaries of the
technique to the boundaries of the
technique to the boundaries of the specialism now at masters level that’s
specialism now at masters level that’s
specialism now at masters level that’s exactly what we want we want people to
exactly what we want we want people to
exactly what we want we want people to articulate knowledge at the boundaries
articulate knowledge at the boundaries
articulate knowledge at the boundaries of their specialism so if I want to
of their specialism so if I want to
of their specialism so if I want to learn how to tell a story
learn how to tell a story
learn how to tell a story I’m a look at Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
I’m a look at Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
I’m a look at Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie or JK Rowling’s who changed my
or JK Rowling’s who changed my
or JK Rowling’s who changed my understanding of what stories can be
understanding of what stories can be
understanding of what stories can be through their writing and their speaking
through their writing and their speaking
through their writing and their speaking and their being but I may also go to the
and their being but I may also go to the
and their being but I may also go to the Aboriginal Australians whose culture of
Aboriginal Australians whose culture of
Aboriginal Australians whose culture of storytelling speaks of environment and
storytelling speaks of environment and
storytelling speaks of environment and identity and it is done it is not
identity and it is done it is not
identity and it is done it is not written about it is done it is the
written about it is done it is the
written about it is done it is the articulation of the knowledge that’s the
articulation of the knowledge that’s the
articulation of the knowledge that’s the clever bit not the mode of that
clever bit not the mode of that
clever bit not the mode of that articulation I’m working with two
articulation I’m working with two
articulation I’m working with two amazingly bright wonderful sensitive
amazingly bright wonderful sensitive
amazingly bright wonderful sensitive students at the moment who I’m gonna
students at the moment who I’m gonna
students at the moment who I’m gonna call Lauren and Mei they’re both really
call Lauren and Mei they’re both really
call Lauren and Mei they’re both really really struggling not to turn their back
really struggling not to turn their back
really struggling not to turn their back and leave education Lauren has learnt
and leave education Lauren has learnt
and leave education Lauren has learnt the scripts of academia incredibly well
the scripts of academia incredibly well
the scripts of academia incredibly well she
she
she is a high achiever expecting excellence
is a high achiever expecting excellence
is a high achiever expecting excellence in our last tutorial she hung her head
in our last tutorial she hung her head
in our last tutorial she hung her head in shame because she was only getting B
in shame because she was only getting B
in shame because she was only getting B pluses and she shouted at me it’s not
pluses and she shouted at me it’s not
pluses and she shouted at me it’s not about me Jess she had learnt that in
about me Jess she had learnt that in
about me Jess she had learnt that in order to be an academic you needed to
order to be an academic you needed to
order to be an academic you needed to distance yourself from the work that’s
distance yourself from the work that’s
distance yourself from the work that’s the correct way of being in distance and
the correct way of being in distance and
the correct way of being in distance and she was broken by it
she was broken by it
she was broken by it Mae is a little bit different she’s not
Mae is a little bit different she’s not
Mae is a little bit different she’s not English and that disjuncture being in
English and that disjuncture being in
English and that disjuncture being in this sort of institution rubs very
this sort of institution rubs very
this sort of institution rubs very heavily on her she’s incredibly
heavily on her she’s incredibly
heavily on her she’s incredibly inspiring artist and when I see her work
inspiring artist and when I see her work
inspiring artist and when I see her work I am inspired and I know no academia and
I am inspired and I know no academia and
I am inspired and I know no academia and you but what she thinks is that when we
you but what she thinks is that when we
you but what she thinks is that when we write a dissertation about it she’s
write a dissertation about it she’s
write a dissertation about it she’s hammering it in such a way that it kills
hammering it in such a way that it kills
hammering it in such a way that it kills her art form and she doesn’t want that
her art form and she doesn’t want that
her art form and she doesn’t want that to happen and neither do I so I have
to happen and neither do I so I have
to happen and neither do I so I have three key elements that I want to tell
three key elements that I want to tell
three key elements that I want to tell you about today that I think are at the
you about today that I think are at the
you about today that I think are at the heart of rupturing these cycles of shame
heart of rupturing these cycles of shame
heart of rupturing these cycles of shame the first one is something that I call
the first one is something that I call
the first one is something that I call tact tactful mess we turn the student
tact tactful mess we turn the student
tact tactful mess we turn the student back to themselves with kindness and
back to themselves with kindness and
back to themselves with kindness and firmness we are attentive to that
firmness we are attentive to that
firmness we are attentive to that student who are you what are you doing
student who are you what are you doing
student who are you what are you doing why are you here
why are you here
why are you here it is about you of course it’s about you
it is about you of course it’s about you
it is about you of course it’s about you you’re really quite good I don’t know
you’re really quite good I don’t know
you’re really quite good I don’t know very much as an academic I am boringly
very much as an academic I am boringly
very much as an academic I am boringly repetitive it is about you to such an
repetitive it is about you to such an
repetitive it is about you to such an extent then in our last tutorial Lauren
extent then in our last tutorial Lauren
extent then in our last tutorial Lauren said to me Jess you’re such a dick
said to me Jess you’re such a dick
said to me Jess you’re such a dick and of course I our dick which leads me
and of course I our dick which leads me
and of course I our dick which leads me to my second point the profane profanity
to my second point the profane profanity
to my second point the profane profanity now my use of expletives and swearing
now my use of expletives and swearing
now my use of expletives and swearing and profanity through this is a clumsy
and profanity through this is a clumsy
and profanity through this is a clumsy mechanism that illustrates a point I’m
mechanism that illustrates a point I’m
mechanism that illustrates a point I’m sure many of you will be much more
sure many of you will be much more
sure many of you will be much more sophisticated than me and how you would
sophisticated than me and how you would
sophisticated than me and how you would perceive it by profanity I mean we need
perceive it by profanity I mean we need
perceive it by profanity I mean we need to know what is said and what shouldn’t
to know what is said and what shouldn’t
to know what is said and what shouldn’t be said and why it should and shouldn’t
be said and why it should and shouldn’t
be said and why it should and shouldn’t be said and we question that we dance
be said and we question that we dance
be said and we question that we dance with that we question what academia must
with that we question what academia must
with that we question what academia must be for the individuals in it
profanity to such an extent that may and
profanity to such an extent that may and I are rewriting what academia can be for
I are rewriting what academia can be for
I are rewriting what academia can be for her so that it doesn’t destroy her arts
her so that it doesn’t destroy her arts
her so that it doesn’t destroy her arts we are rewriting it in her image and the
we are rewriting it in her image and the
we are rewriting it in her image and the third factor in my triad of rupturing
third factor in my triad of rupturing
third factor in my triad of rupturing things is love the amazing academic and
things is love the amazing academic and
things is love the amazing academic and teacher bell hooks suggests that love is
teacher bell hooks suggests that love is
teacher bell hooks suggests that love is a political act of rebellion to love
a political act of rebellion to love
a political act of rebellion to love teaching is a political acts of
teaching is a political acts of
teaching is a political acts of rebellion what she means when she says
rebellion what she means when she says
rebellion what she means when she says is that if you invest your hearts in
is that if you invest your hearts in
is that if you invest your hearts in this work in learning in the students
this work in learning in the students
this work in learning in the students that it ruptures this distance that
that it ruptures this distance that
that it ruptures this distance that we’ve heard and brings us all together
we’ve heard and brings us all together
we’ve heard and brings us all together equally in this mess of learning so I’m
equally in this mess of learning so I’m
equally in this mess of learning so I’m asking you today to reimagine a
asking you today to reimagine a
asking you today to reimagine a university that enables students to
university that enables students to
university that enables students to articulate knowledge through tact
articulate knowledge through tact
articulate knowledge through tact through profanity through love and
through profanity through love and
through profanity through love and through snot
through snot
through snot so that they learn that they do not need
so that they learn that they do not need
so that they learn that they do not need to be ashamed and that they can go out
to be ashamed and that they can go out
to be ashamed and that they can go out and speak and change the world
”
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