Preventing Teen Dating Violence from the Inside Out | Briana Neben | TEDxCarsonCity

I’m going to start by taking our minds

I’m going to start by taking our minds to another realm for a moment now this

to another realm for a moment now this

to another realm for a moment now this isn’t a distant place filled with

isn’t a distant place filled with

isn’t a distant place filled with sunshine and daisies in fact it’s a very

sunshine and daisies in fact it’s a very

sunshine and daisies in fact it’s a very tumultuous place we are entering the

tumultuous place we are entering the

tumultuous place we are entering the mind of a teenager and it’s going to get

mind of a teenager and it’s going to get

mind of a teenager and it’s going to get real real fast

real real fast

real real fast you are sitting in the front seat of

you are sitting in the front seat of

you are sitting in the front seat of your blue 1996 Isuzu Rodeo you have all

your blue 1996 Isuzu Rodeo you have all

your blue 1996 Isuzu Rodeo you have all of your possessions in the backseat

of your possessions in the backseat

of your possessions in the backseat anything that means anything to you and

anything that means anything to you and

anything that means anything to you and that’s including clothes and toiletries

that’s including clothes and toiletries

that’s including clothes and toiletries you’re in this position because you

you’re in this position because you

you’re in this position because you witnessed severe domestic violence in

witnessed severe domestic violence in

witnessed severe domestic violence in your home the night before and despite

your home the night before and despite

your home the night before and despite doing what you could to keep the

doing what you could to keep the

doing what you could to keep the situation safe including calling 9-1-1

situation safe including calling 9-1-1

situation safe including calling 9-1-1 the offender is back in the home so you

the offender is back in the home so you

the offender is back in the home so you chose to leave you continue going to

chose to leave you continue going to

chose to leave you continue going to high school and you’re early to classes

high school and you’re early to classes

high school and you’re early to classes even every day even though you were

even every day even though you were

even every day even though you were sleeping on someone’s floor or the night

sleeping on someone’s floor or the night

sleeping on someone’s floor or the night before you have absolutely no idea what

before you have absolutely no idea what

before you have absolutely no idea what the consequences would be if you

the consequences would be if you

the consequences would be if you actually shared your whole story so you

actually shared your whole story so you

actually shared your whole story so you keep silent you graduate that year with

keep silent you graduate that year with

keep silent you graduate that year with both honors and Career and Technical

both honors and Career and Technical

both honors and Career and Technical Education diplomas so everything’s going

Education diplomas so everything’s going

Education diplomas so everything’s going fine right fast forward three years

fine right fast forward three years

fine right fast forward three years you’re in a relationship and you saw

you’re in a relationship and you saw

you’re in a relationship and you saw domestic violence so even though this

domestic violence so even though this

domestic violence so even though this relationship isn’t all that great all

relationship isn’t all that great all

relationship isn’t all that great all the time that doesn’t mean it’s

the time that doesn’t mean it’s

the time that doesn’t mean it’s unhealthy right I mean he punches holes

unhealthy right I mean he punches holes

unhealthy right I mean he punches holes in the walls

in the walls

in the walls he backs you into a corner until you

he backs you into a corner until you

he backs you into a corner until you admit that he’s right he controls where

admit that he’s right he controls where

admit that he’s right he controls where you go what you wear who you talk to

you go what you wear who you talk to

you go what you wear who you talk to but he loves you unconditionally so

but he loves you unconditionally so

but he loves you unconditionally so that’s love isn’t it you have a friend

that’s love isn’t it you have a friend

that’s love isn’t it you have a friend who keeps asking you why you’re still

who keeps asking you why you’re still

who keeps asking you why you’re still dating this guy every time she gets to

dating this guy every time she gets to

dating this guy every time she gets to talk to you you’re always talking about

talk to you you’re always talking about

talk to you you’re always talking about a new fight that you’ve had you see

a new fight that you’ve had you see

a new fight that you’ve had you see every why question is going to lead to a

every why question is going to lead to a

every why question is going to lead to a defensive answer it happens naturally

defensive answer it happens naturally

defensive answer it happens naturally like this she asks why did he do that

like this she asks why did he do that

like this she asks why did he do that today you say well he was tired

today you say well he was tired

today you say well he was tired she asks why did he do that last week

she asks why did he do that last week

she asks why did he do that last week you say well this is just one of those

you say well this is just one of those

you say well this is just one of those moods you know just one of those days

moods you know just one of those days

moods you know just one of those days she asks why did he treat you like that

she asks why did he treat you like that

she asks why did he treat you like that you say it was my fault now I’m going to

you say it was my fault now I’m going to

you say it was my fault now I’m going to bring it right back to reality here

bring it right back to reality here

bring it right back to reality here because I have something really

because I have something really

because I have something really important to tell you this is my story

important to tell you this is my story

important to tell you this is my story and it wasn’t until a friend asked me if

and it wasn’t until a friend asked me if

and it wasn’t until a friend asked me if you started dating this guy today

you started dating this guy today

you started dating this guy today would you still want to enter a

would you still want to enter a

would you still want to enter a relationship with him and I said

relationship with him and I said

relationship with him and I said absolutely not and it was in that moment

absolutely not and it was in that moment

absolutely not and it was in that moment I realized I needed to leave that

I realized I needed to leave that

I realized I needed to leave that relationship you see it wasn’t until I

relationship you see it wasn’t until I

relationship you see it wasn’t until I answered that question that I realized

answered that question that I realized

answered that question that I realized domestic violence or teen dating

domestic violence or teen dating

domestic violence or teen dating violence which is what we’re talking

violence which is what we’re talking

violence which is what we’re talking about today looks different from the

about today looks different from the

about today looks different from the inside out

inside out

inside out like I said I saw domestic violence that

like I said I saw domestic violence that

like I said I saw domestic violence that was obvious but when I was in the

was obvious but when I was in the

was obvious but when I was in the position of defending someone who was

position of defending someone who was

position of defending someone who was verbally abusing me I lacked the

verbally abusing me I lacked the

verbally abusing me I lacked the resources and knowledge necessary to

resources and knowledge necessary to

resources and knowledge necessary to know what was really going on so I’m

know what was really going on so I’m

know what was really going on so I’m here today because I’m taking my

here today because I’m taking my

here today because I’m taking my experience and I’m turning it into a

experience and I’m turning it into a

experience and I’m turning it into a reason to pursue prevention of teen

reason to pursue prevention of teen

reason to pursue prevention of teen dating violence domestic violence is a

dating violence domestic violence is a

dating violence domestic violence is a cycle that can continue beyond the four

cycle that can continue beyond the four

cycle that can continue beyond the four walls of the home it occurs in it

walls of the home it occurs in it

walls of the home it occurs in it affects the lives and relationships of

affects the lives and relationships of

affects the lives and relationships of everyone in the home but particularly

everyone in the home but particularly

everyone in the home but particularly the youth who are trying to figure out

the youth who are trying to figure out

the youth who are trying to figure out what they deserve in relationships and

what they deserve in relationships and

what they deserve in relationships and so by focusing on the youth in our

so by focusing on the youth in our

so by focusing on the youth in our community through encouraging positive

community through encouraging positive

community through encouraging positive affirmations mentoring relationships and

affirmations mentoring relationships and

affirmations mentoring relationships and early intervention we can break the

early intervention we can break the

early intervention we can break the cycle of teen dating violence so

cycle of teen dating violence so

cycle of teen dating violence so starting with positive affirmations I

starting with positive affirmations I

starting with positive affirmations I will tell anyone that yoga saved my life

will tell anyone that yoga saved my life

will tell anyone that yoga saved my life it taught me how to control my breathing

it taught me how to control my breathing

it taught me how to control my breathing which taught me how to control the panic

which taught me how to control the panic

which taught me how to control the panic attacks I was having it taught me to be

attacks I was having it taught me to be

attacks I was having it taught me to be mindful to be aware of my mind and my

mindful to be aware of my mind and my

mindful to be aware of my mind and my body and to tell myself that I am worth

body and to tell myself that I am worth

body and to tell myself that I am worth it positive affirmations are statements

it positive affirmations are statements

it positive affirmations are statements we repeat to ourselves over and over

we repeat to ourselves over and over

we repeat to ourselves over and over until we truly

until we truly

until we truly then encouraging positive affirmations

then encouraging positive affirmations

then encouraging positive affirmations in youth helps them to know their worth

in youth helps them to know their worth

in youth helps them to know their worth because it is coming from the inside out

because it is coming from the inside out

because it is coming from the inside out if you can think back to being inside

if you can think back to being inside

if you can think back to being inside the mind of that teenager and then to a

the mind of that teenager and then to a

the mind of that teenager and then to a place where you know you deserve respect

place where you know you deserve respect

place where you know you deserve respect and healthy relationships can you

and healthy relationships can you

and healthy relationships can you imagine how empowering that is to now be

imagine how empowering that is to now be

imagine how empowering that is to now be here and so although positive

here and so although positive

here and so although positive affirmations are fantastic for everyone

affirmations are fantastic for everyone

affirmations are fantastic for everyone let’s start that habit young now for

let’s start that habit young now for

let’s start that habit young now for mentoring relationships I know the mind

mentoring relationships I know the mind

mentoring relationships I know the mind of a teen can be an intimidating place

of a teen can be an intimidating place

of a teen can be an intimidating place but if we care about these teens and we

but if we care about these teens and we

but if we care about these teens and we want them to have healthy relationships

want them to have healthy relationships

want them to have healthy relationships we can’t be afraid of having those tough

we can’t be afraid of having those tough

we can’t be afraid of having those tough awkward conversations because the truth

awkward conversations because the truth

awkward conversations because the truth is their lives are kind of tough and

is their lives are kind of tough and

is their lives are kind of tough and awkward right now so be available for a

awkward right now so be available for a

awkward right now so be available for a teen that you know this goes for boys

teen that you know this goes for boys

teen that you know this goes for boys too because it’s not just girls who are

too because it’s not just girls who are

too because it’s not just girls who are in need of positive role models takes

in need of positive role models takes

in need of positive role models takes two people to be in a relationship and

two people to be in a relationship and

two people to be in a relationship and both sides are deserving of this

both sides are deserving of this

both sides are deserving of this attention and information the common

attention and information the common

attention and information the common discourse surrounding domestic violence

discourse surrounding domestic violence

discourse surrounding domestic violence relies on the model that the girl is the

relies on the model that the girl is the

relies on the model that the girl is the victim or survivor and although that

victim or survivor and although that

victim or survivor and although that primarily is what is reported we have to

primarily is what is reported we have to

primarily is what is reported we have to be thinking about under reporting and

be thinking about under reporting and

be thinking about under reporting and also the stigma associated with any

also the stigma associated with any

also the stigma associated with any person of any gender identity who is

person of any gender identity who is

person of any gender identity who is wanting to share their story these teens

wanting to share their story these teens

wanting to share their story these teens are seeking validation that they are

are seeking validation that they are

are seeking validation that they are doing something right along this journey

doing something right along this journey

doing something right along this journey and you can be the one to sit down with

and you can be the one to sit down with

and you can be the one to sit down with them tell them that you care and hear

them tell them that you care and hear

them tell them that you care and hear that story build trust in that

that story build trust in that

that story build trust in that relationship not by giving advice but by

relationship not by giving advice but by

relationship not by giving advice but by being there opening up that space and

being there opening up that space and

being there opening up that space and validating their worth for my topic of

validating their worth for my topic of

validating their worth for my topic of early intervention I’m feeling the need

early intervention I’m feeling the need

early intervention I’m feeling the need to step up onto a soapbox although I’m

to step up onto a soapbox although I’m

to step up onto a soapbox although I’m feeling this little red dot is a soapbox

feeling this little red dot is a soapbox

feeling this little red dot is a soapbox in and of itself and say that we need

in and of itself and say that we need

in and of itself and say that we need evidence-based curricula to supplement

evidence-based curricula to supplement

evidence-based curricula to supplement the sexual education our youth are

the sexual education our youth are

the sexual education our youth are receive

receive

receive in middle and high schools this topic

in middle and high schools this topic

in middle and high schools this topic falls under the umbrella of teen dating

falls under the umbrella of teen dating

falls under the umbrella of teen dating violence and is also something that I

violence and is also something that I

violence and is also something that I experienced I realize this watch could

experienced I realize this watch could

experienced I realize this watch could potentially be watched from all over the

potentially be watched from all over the

potentially be watched from all over the world

world

world and if you’re in a place where this is

and if you’re in a place where this is

and if you’re in a place where this is currently happening in your community

currently happening in your community

currently happening in your community great keep going but listen to my

great keep going but listen to my

great keep going but listen to my reasons as to why it is so important our

reasons as to why it is so important our

reasons as to why it is so important our sexual education classes need to be

sexual education classes need to be

sexual education classes need to be coupled with information about respect

coupled with information about respect

coupled with information about respect and consent we can talk about the act

and consent we can talk about the act

and consent we can talk about the act and the diseases and the consequences

and the diseases and the consequences

and the diseases and the consequences and any of those topics that are bound

and any of those topics that are bound

and any of those topics that are bound to increase the awkwardness in any room

to increase the awkwardness in any room

to increase the awkwardness in any room but are we talking about how to say no

but are we talking about how to say no

but are we talking about how to say no are we talking about how it’s okay to

are we talking about how it’s okay to

are we talking about how it’s okay to say no that even if you’re being

say no that even if you’re being

say no that even if you’re being threatened you can say no that it’s

threatened you can say no that it’s

threatened you can say no that it’s never your fault but even if it’s

never your fault but even if it’s

never your fault but even if it’s someone you’re dating you can say no

someone you’re dating you can say no

someone you’re dating you can say no that if this happens to you you can

that if this happens to you you can

that if this happens to you you can access resources and get help because we

access resources and get help because we

access resources and get help because we need to be talking about these things if

need to be talking about these things if

need to be talking about these things if we are going to encourage positive

we are going to encourage positive

we are going to encourage positive affirmations in our youth they need to

affirmations in our youth they need to

affirmations in our youth they need to know their worth in every single

know their worth in every single

know their worth in every single situation they come across we can all do

situation they come across we can all do

situation they come across we can all do more to support the advocacy efforts of

more to support the advocacy efforts of

more to support the advocacy efforts of organizations who provide potentially

organizations who provide potentially

organizations who provide potentially life-saving services I’m asking you to

life-saving services I’m asking you to

life-saving services I’m asking you to have awkward conversations with teens

have awkward conversations with teens

have awkward conversations with teens where you might want to have some tools

where you might want to have some tools

where you might want to have some tools in your toolbox going in so that you

in your toolbox going in so that you

in your toolbox going in so that you know how to respond appropriately one

know how to respond appropriately one

know how to respond appropriately one National Organization with incredibly

National Organization with incredibly

National Organization with incredibly useful resources is called break the

useful resources is called break the

useful resources is called break the cycle you can write it down it’s break

cycle you can write it down it’s break

cycle you can write it down it’s break the cycle org I have recently seed

the cycle org I have recently seed

the cycle org I have recently seed seized some opportunities to assist them

seized some opportunities to assist them

seized some opportunities to assist them in planning their teen dating violence

in planning their teen dating violence

in planning their teen dating violence Awareness Month which happens every

Awareness Month which happens every

Awareness Month which happens every February my contributions this year are

February my contributions this year are

February my contributions this year are going to be talking about positive

going to be talking about positive

going to be talking about positive affirmations I find myself printing out

affirmations I find myself printing out

affirmations I find myself printing out every handout that they have and now

every handout that they have and now

every handout that they have and now that you know about this resource you

that you know about this resource you

that you know about this resource you too can utilize those tools and

too can utilize those tools and

too can utilize those tools and contribute to their efforts if you can

contribute to their efforts if you can

contribute to their efforts if you can because that is how we raise awareness I

because that is how we raise awareness I

because that is how we raise awareness I want to thank you all for making the

want to thank you all for making the

want to thank you all for making the prevention part of my

prevention part of my

prevention part of my heartbeat a little bit stronger today

heartbeat a little bit stronger today

heartbeat a little bit stronger today you now have the ability to leave here

you now have the ability to leave here

you now have the ability to leave here talk about what you heard today and do

talk about what you heard today and do

talk about what you heard today and do something about it because you have the

something about it because you have the

something about it because you have the ability to empower youth in your

ability to empower youth in your

ability to empower youth in your community and to make a difference in

community and to make a difference in

community and to make a difference in their lives

their lives

their lives so Master positive affirmations yourself

so Master positive affirmations yourself

so Master positive affirmations yourself and then share what worked for you take

and then share what worked for you take

and then share what worked for you take a teen out to lunch and give them that

a teen out to lunch and give them that

a teen out to lunch and give them that space to have an awkward conversation

space to have an awkward conversation

space to have an awkward conversation support adding evidence-based curricula

support adding evidence-based curricula

support adding evidence-based curricula to your middle and high schools and also

to your middle and high schools and also

to your middle and high schools and also the advocacy efforts of local state and

the advocacy efforts of local state and

the advocacy efforts of local state and national organizations that surround you

national organizations that surround you

national organizations that surround you break the cycle of teen dating violence

break the cycle of teen dating violence

break the cycle of teen dating violence thank you

thank you

thank you [Applause]