Power of Peace | Taylor Miller | TEDxUCDavisSF

Thanks hi my name is Taylor and I like

Thanks hi my name is Taylor and I like to think that I can be pretty cool and

to think that I can be pretty cool and

to think that I can be pretty cool and funny so

funny so

funny so I’m currently a senior in college but

I’m currently a senior in college but

I’m currently a senior in college but I’ll talk more about that later I enjoy

I’ll talk more about that later I enjoy

I’ll talk more about that later I enjoy doing yoga drifting and playing with my

doing yoga drifting and playing with my

doing yoga drifting and playing with my two cats and I’m pretty positive that

two cats and I’m pretty positive that

two cats and I’m pretty positive that potatoes are single Hanley the best food

potatoes are single Hanley the best food

potatoes are single Hanley the best food on the planet it also about three years

on the planet it also about three years

on the planet it also about three years ago I was raped by two men on my college

ago I was raped by two men on my college

ago I was raped by two men on my college campus now to be honest I really

campus now to be honest I really

campus now to be honest I really struggled with coming up with an intro

struggled with coming up with an intro

struggled with coming up with an intro for this talk because while I become

for this talk because while I become

for this talk because while I become really comfortable in discussing this

really comfortable in discussing this

really comfortable in discussing this topic I know that we in general aren’t

topic I know that we in general aren’t

topic I know that we in general aren’t comfortable and hearing about it it’s

comfortable and hearing about it it’s

comfortable and hearing about it it’s hard to sit there and listen to someone

hard to sit there and listen to someone

hard to sit there and listen to someone say they’ve been assaulted whether it’s

say they’ve been assaulted whether it’s

say they’ve been assaulted whether it’s physically verbally or sexually it’s

physically verbally or sexually it’s

physically verbally or sexually it’s worse when it’s someone you know and

worse when it’s someone you know and

worse when it’s someone you know and devastating when it’s someone you love

devastating when it’s someone you love

devastating when it’s someone you love and because of that we don’t react very

and because of that we don’t react very

and because of that we don’t react very well to it we get so uncomfortable to

well to it we get so uncomfortable to

well to it we get so uncomfortable to the point where cringe and squirm around

the point where cringe and squirm around

the point where cringe and squirm around and do everything we can to avoid

and do everything we can to avoid

and do everything we can to avoid eye-contact and achieve this complete

eye-contact and achieve this complete

eye-contact and achieve this complete avoidance sometimes we’ll even mentally

avoidance sometimes we’ll even mentally

avoidance sometimes we’ll even mentally distract ourselves by categorizing the

distract ourselves by categorizing the

distract ourselves by categorizing the statistics into something I like to call

statistics into something I like to call

statistics into something I like to call just another’s just another bullying

just another’s just another bullying

just another’s just another bullying story just another harassment story just

story just another harassment story just

story just another harassment story just another rape story but that’s a natural

another rape story but that’s a natural

another rape story but that’s a natural reaction because it’s so hard to relate

reaction because it’s so hard to relate

reaction because it’s so hard to relate to trauma at an individual level and

to trauma at an individual level and

to trauma at an individual level and even though we’ve all experienced some

even though we’ve all experienced some

even though we’ve all experienced some form of trauma we’ll never fully be able

form of trauma we’ll never fully be able

form of trauma we’ll never fully be able to relate to each other because my

to relate to each other because my

to relate to each other because my victimization story is different from

victimization story is different from

victimization story is different from yours and that’s okay but what I’ve

yours and that’s okay but what I’ve

yours and that’s okay but what I’ve learned is even though our traumas are

learned is even though our traumas are

learned is even though our traumas are very unique and completely our own our

very unique and completely our own our

very unique and completely our own our recovery follows a collective journey

recovery follows a collective journey

recovery follows a collective journey towards peace

towards peace

towards peace now I’ve heavily involved myself in the

now I’ve heavily involved myself in the

now I’ve heavily involved myself in the field of advocating throughout my

field of advocating throughout my

field of advocating throughout my college journey and I started by

college journey and I started by

college journey and I started by educating myself on statistics that we

educating myself on statistics that we

educating myself on statistics that we always hear but never really understand

always hear but never really understand

always hear but never really understand and with time I’ve come across 68

and with time I’ve come across 68

and with time I’ve come across 68 individuals both female and male who

individuals both female and male who

individuals both female and male who have to disclose their story of sexual

have to disclose their story of sexual

have to disclose their story of sexual assault to me and the statistics I once

assault to me and the statistics I once

assault to me and the statistics I once studied looked a lot less like numbers

studied looked a lot less like numbers

studied looked a lot less like numbers and a lot more like faces so three years

and a lot more like faces so three years

and a lot more like faces so three years and sixty-eight stories later I’ve only

and sixty-eight stories later I’ve only

and sixty-eight stories later I’ve only found one consistency within each

found one consistency within each

found one consistency within each disclosure and that’s the fact that

disclosure and that’s the fact that

disclosure and that’s the fact that everyone’s story is different no matter

everyone’s story is different no matter

everyone’s story is different no matter how similar the experience or emotions

how similar the experience or emotions

how similar the experience or emotions were so different to the

were so different to the

were so different to the we’re even I found it hard to relate for

we’re even I found it hard to relate for

we’re even I found it hard to relate for example some were assaulted by three or

example some were assaulted by three or

example some were assaulted by three or four people I was assaulted by two when

four people I was assaulted by two when

four people I was assaulted by two when reporting these instances some were met

reporting these instances some were met

reporting these instances some were met with immediate action and support while

with immediate action and support while

with immediate action and support while others were interrogated with questions

others were interrogated with questions

others were interrogated with questions like well how much are you drinking what

like well how much are you drinking what

like well how much are you drinking what were you wearing and why were you even

were you wearing and why were you even

were you wearing and why were you even alone to begin with as if this was our

alone to begin with as if this was our

alone to begin with as if this was our fault but speaking with survivors has

fault but speaking with survivors has

fault but speaking with survivors has really opened my eyes to understanding

really opened my eyes to understanding

really opened my eyes to understanding the vulnerabilities we all have and

the vulnerabilities we all have and

the vulnerabilities we all have and understanding how trauma and recovery

understanding how trauma and recovery

understanding how trauma and recovery works I’ve been better I’ve been able to

works I’ve been better I’ve been able to

works I’ve been better I’ve been able to step back listen understand and then

step back listen understand and then

step back listen understand and then cater my response in where they are in

cater my response in where they are in

cater my response in where they are in their own journey towards peace now this

their own journey towards peace now this

their own journey towards peace now this piece follows four distinct phases the

piece follows four distinct phases the

piece follows four distinct phases the first phase is the incident and the

first phase is the incident and the

first phase is the incident and the incident is when the assault actually

incident is when the assault actually

incident is when the assault actually happens or the days weeks or months that

happens or the days weeks or months that

happens or the days weeks or months that follow when they may still be in a state

follow when they may still be in a state

follow when they may still be in a state of disbelief personally for me this

of disbelief personally for me this

of disbelief personally for me this lasted around six weeks as I was

lasted around six weeks as I was

lasted around six weeks as I was overcome with complete hopelessness and

overcome with complete hopelessness and

overcome with complete hopelessness and confusion just silencing me completely

confusion just silencing me completely

confusion just silencing me completely from the world this is probably the

from the world this is probably the

from the world this is probably the hardest phase for family and friends to

hardest phase for family and friends to

hardest phase for family and friends to relate to because we have this natural

relate to because we have this natural

relate to because we have this natural tendency to say or do anything we can to

tendency to say or do anything we can to

tendency to say or do anything we can to make this person feel better and just to

make this person feel better and just to

make this person feel better and just to try and take away their pain by offering

try and take away their pain by offering

try and take away their pain by offering phrases like well you’ll be fine just

phrases like well you’ll be fine just

phrases like well you’ll be fine just try not to think about it and move on

try not to think about it and move on

try not to think about it and move on and we’ll get better but what does

and we’ll get better but what does

and we’ll get better but what does better even mean we don’t want to ask

better even mean we don’t want to ask

better even mean we don’t want to ask for help because we’re so scared that

for help because we’re so scared that

for help because we’re so scared that asking for help is a form of weakness

asking for help is a form of weakness

asking for help is a form of weakness which takes away from this idea that

which takes away from this idea that

which takes away from this idea that we’re no longer invincible we’re still

we’re no longer invincible we’re still

we’re no longer invincible we’re still so confused as to what has happened and

so confused as to what has happened and

so confused as to what has happened and we’re fighting the urge to say something

we’re fighting the urge to say something

we’re fighting the urge to say something to later be labeled with a stigma that

to later be labeled with a stigma that

to later be labeled with a stigma that will take away from this identity that

will take away from this identity that

will take away from this identity that we’ve literally spent our whole life

we’ve literally spent our whole life

we’ve literally spent our whole life building no one wants sympathy no one

building no one wants sympathy no one

building no one wants sympathy no one wants to be known as a boy who got

wants to be known as a boy who got

wants to be known as a boy who got bullied the girl with bulimia the

bullied the girl with bulimia the

bullied the girl with bulimia the bipolar boy or in my case the girl who

bipolar boy or in my case the girl who

bipolar boy or in my case the girl who got raped we’ve heard all these

got raped we’ve heard all these

got raped we’ve heard all these statistics before but nothing could

statistics before but nothing could

statistics before but nothing could really prepare us for anything like this

really prepare us for anything like this

really prepare us for anything like this the second phase is trying to live

the second phase is trying to live

the second phase is trying to live normally again and finding normalcy

normally again and finding normalcy

normally again and finding normalcy within your life and mine started by

within your life and mine started by

within your life and mine started by feeling lost in a place I used to call

feeling lost in a place I used to call

feeling lost in a place I used to call home it changed my definition of life

home it changed my definition of life

home it changed my definition of life and I tried to eat like I used to eat

and I tried to eat like I used to eat

and I tried to eat like I used to eat like I used to study sleep like I used

like I used to study sleep like I used

like I used to study sleep like I used to sleep but it all just felt so

to sleep but it all just felt so

to sleep but it all just felt so impossible I constantly felt myself on

impossible I constantly felt myself on

impossible I constantly felt myself on edge as though a ghost of who I used to

edge as though a ghost of who I used to

edge as though a ghost of who I used to be always alert on the faces around me

be always alert on the faces around me

be always alert on the faces around me and feeling as though I can never feel

and feeling as though I can never feel

and feeling as though I can never feel safe in a crowded room again thinking

safe in a crowded room again thinking

safe in a crowded room again thinking about being alone was terrifying but

about being alone was terrifying but

about being alone was terrifying but being in a crowded room was equally as

being in a crowded room was equally as

being in a crowded room was equally as frightening so then I was constantly

frightening so then I was constantly

frightening so then I was constantly questioning where I even belonged but in

questioning where I even belonged but in

questioning where I even belonged but in this phase I found that there are

this phase I found that there are

this phase I found that there are moments we can you challenge yourself to

moments we can you challenge yourself to

moments we can you challenge yourself to speak up about the internal war going on

speak up about the internal war going on

speak up about the internal war going on inside of your head and I knew if I put

inside of your head and I knew if I put

inside of your head and I knew if I put myself out there nothing was guaranteed

myself out there nothing was guaranteed

myself out there nothing was guaranteed but I felt like if I use the power of my

but I felt like if I use the power of my

but I felt like if I use the power of my voice then it would connect me back to

voice then it would connect me back to

voice then it would connect me back to the only way I felt like my old self

the only way I felt like my old self

the only way I felt like my old self again I was just so tired of living this

again I was just so tired of living this

again I was just so tired of living this life and hiding behind a burden of who I

life and hiding behind a burden of who I

life and hiding behind a burden of who I truly was the third phase is one of

truly was the third phase is one of

truly was the third phase is one of acceptance and understanding and I

acceptance and understanding and I

acceptance and understanding and I remember when someone disclosed me about

remember when someone disclosed me about

remember when someone disclosed me about their assault we talked about how this

their assault we talked about how this

their assault we talked about how this trauma is never going to disappear its

trauma is never going to disappear its

trauma is never going to disappear its with us forever regardless of how we

with us forever regardless of how we

with us forever regardless of how we feel about it and she mentioned that

feel about it and she mentioned that

feel about it and she mentioned that it’s not only going to affect our

it’s not only going to affect our

it’s not only going to affect our relationships with our future husband

relationships with our future husband

relationships with our future husband but our future children and I thought

but our future children and I thought

but our future children and I thought how am I going to come to tell my child

how am I going to come to tell my child

how am I going to come to tell my child about this and how I’m going to tell

about this and how I’m going to tell

about this and how I’m going to tell them to never treat someone the way

them to never treat someone the way

them to never treat someone the way their mothers were treated and then we

their mothers were treated and then we

their mothers were treated and then we thought and we realized it came down to

thought and we realized it came down to

thought and we realized it came down to the choices we made because you know

the choices we made because you know

the choices we made because you know what our choices are with us forever –

what our choices are with us forever –

what our choices are with us forever – and I hated asking for help but

and I hated asking for help but

and I hated asking for help but eventually I went to the doctors I got

eventually I went to the doctors I got

eventually I went to the doctors I got tested I went to therapy and I

tested I went to therapy and I

tested I went to therapy and I understood that the steps that I needed

understood that the steps that I needed

understood that the steps that I needed to take were there but I actually had to

to take were there but I actually had to

to take were there but I actually had to force myself to take them and taking

force myself to take them and taking

force myself to take them and taking them made everything so much more real

them made everything so much more real

them made everything so much more real but it also made me constantly relive

but it also made me constantly relive

but it also made me constantly relive everything that was going on but with

everything that was going on but with

everything that was going on but with time I got to a point where I was okay

time I got to a point where I was okay

time I got to a point where I was okay with who I was living with and I felt as

with who I was living with and I felt as

with who I was living with and I felt as though I was neither hiding nor running

though I was neither hiding nor running

though I was neither hiding nor running anymore and I came to the realization

anymore and I came to the realization

anymore and I came to the realization that the moment you can tell your story

that the moment you can tell your story

that the moment you can tell your story without finding yourself trying is a

without finding yourself trying is a

without finding yourself trying is a moment that you finally accepted what

moment that you finally accepted what

moment that you finally accepted what has happened to you

has happened to you

has happened to you now the fourth and final phase is

now the fourth and final phase is

now the fourth and final phase is finding peace and when you find peace is

finding peace and when you find peace is

finding peace and when you find peace is when you can draw and work from it and I

when you can draw and work from it and I

when you can draw and work from it and I find peace through publicly speaking I

find peace through publicly speaking I

find peace through publicly speaking I love telling my story but I

love telling my story but I

love telling my story but I so no I’m not like every human and you

so no I’m not like every human and you

so no I’m not like every human and you may find peace through poetry through

may find peace through poetry through

may find peace through poetry through art through dance whatever it is that

art through dance whatever it is that

art through dance whatever it is that brings you comfort there’s no wrong way

brings you comfort there’s no wrong way

brings you comfort there’s no wrong way to find peace as long as it pushes you

to find peace as long as it pushes you

to find peace as long as it pushes you towards a better self we have to learn

towards a better self we have to learn

towards a better self we have to learn how to gauge the power of our piece and

how to gauge the power of our piece and

how to gauge the power of our piece and trying not to do everything but doing

trying not to do everything but doing

trying not to do everything but doing nothing and it’ll be difficult and it

nothing and it’ll be difficult and it

nothing and it’ll be difficult and it will be long and it’ll probably even

will be long and it’ll probably even

will be long and it’ll probably even last forever so reminders help and for

last forever so reminders help and for

last forever so reminders help and for me I got my favorite quote tattooed by

me I got my favorite quote tattooed by

me I got my favorite quote tattooed by Liz Keebler Ross tattooed on my arm as a

Liz Keebler Ross tattooed on my arm as a

Liz Keebler Ross tattooed on my arm as a constant reminder in moments where I

constant reminder in moments where I

constant reminder in moments where I couldn’t feel peace and it goes the most

couldn’t feel peace and it goes the most

couldn’t feel peace and it goes the most beautiful people we have known are those

beautiful people we have known are those

beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat known suffering

who have known defeat known suffering

who have known defeat known suffering known struggle known loss and have found

known struggle known loss and have found

known struggle known loss and have found their way out of the depths these

their way out of the depths these

their way out of the depths these persons have an appreciation sensitivity

persons have an appreciation sensitivity

persons have an appreciation sensitivity and understanding of life that fills

and understanding of life that fills

and understanding of life that fills them with compassion gentleness and a

them with compassion gentleness and a

them with compassion gentleness and a deep love and concern beautiful people

deep love and concern beautiful people

deep love and concern beautiful people do not just happen so if there’s one

do not just happen so if there’s one

do not just happen so if there’s one thing I’ve learned

thank you so if there’s one thing I’ve

thank you so if there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that we can achieve peace

learned it’s that we can achieve peace

learned it’s that we can achieve peace and we deserve peace and no matter how

and we deserve peace and no matter how

and we deserve peace and no matter how heinous the act is that we’re trying so

heinous the act is that we’re trying so

heinous the act is that we’re trying so desperately to run away from believe in

desperately to run away from believe in

desperately to run away from believe in yourself because peace is out there but

yourself because peace is out there but

yourself because peace is out there but we have to want it and we have to fight

we have to want it and we have to fight

we have to want it and we have to fight for it and eventually we’ll be reminded

for it and eventually we’ll be reminded

for it and eventually we’ll be reminded of just how beautiful and powerful we

of just how beautiful and powerful we

of just how beautiful and powerful we once were and always have been thank you

you

you [Applause]