Let’s start at the beginning.
The science of today shows us
that present, involved, loving parents,
that they take their children by the hand, who tell them I love you,
It is so important for your development,
such as nutrition, education and medical checks up to date.
We can see images of children’s brains
who have received good treatment, caresses and affection.
Versus children who have been mistreated and violence
and we see that the brains of the little children, stimulated and caressed by their parents
they develop immensely more than the brains of the infringed children.
Parents present, it is important.
But when we talk about parents present, the truth of things,
is that mothers always attend.
When we make days in school, family,
When we do family activities, moms always go.
And the truth is that the balance is very unbalanced
It is the terms of who is assuming the burden of parenting.
And that has a cost, obviously.
Nowadays the women of our countries are paying this cost
with mental health very deteriorated,
with little professional and family satisfaction
and with a comment that comes to the hall,
which is half tragic half fun,
that women say they prefer to remain without a husband, than without a nanny.
And it makes you laugh and it makes you nervous, because it’s a bit tragic and a little funny.
Women also say they do not want to be more witches,
They do not want to be the ones who carry all this as witches.
The other day a person in my practice told me, a woman,
that within his group of friends, a couple had separated.
And the whole group of men in this group, came together to give emotional support
to this separated man.
I imagine they must have been a grill, or a television,
as well as listening to music – ta ra ra –
And all the women were talking on WhatsApp,
in parallel.
because they knew what was happening with the meeting.
The next day the person in my office tells me,
I ask him … the person tells me
“The next day I ask my husband: And, they got together?
Yes.
And how is Francisco?
It’s fine, it must be fine.
But did they speak?
Yes, of course, we talk.
And they talked about that?
“No, we do not talk about that ourselves.”
And it seems that men do not talk much about emotions and that more intimate space.
And if we do not talk about it, it does not exist.
And if that does not exist it is very difficult, that we can enter that world,
as parents involved.
And what I want to propose today, is that Mindfulness tools,
They are very helpful for male parents to be actively involved in parenting.
And I want to tell you how I realized this.
I knew the importance of mindfulness mindfulness practice
when I separated.
When I separated, I realized how valuable it was to me
have practiced sitting meditation for more than 10 years.
I realized how valuable it was to have tools, to be,
to sustain the emotional storm that divorce means and to separate.
And I realized that you can practice Mindfulness in a formal way,
sitting on a cushion or on a chair, doing seated meditation.
But we can also practice mindfulness or mindfulness informally,
when you are with your children.
And I’ll give you three examples, or three practices,
of how Mindfulness can be practiced informally in parenting.
So that we invite male parents to get involved.
The first example has to do with one as a separate dad.
As a separated father, what happened to many parents happened to me.
I was on my way to look for my daughter,
and on the way I learn that my daughter is not going to leave.
Because she’s sick, because she has a birthday, because her stomach hurt,
for whatever reason.
I’m going to look for her, they give her to me with a backpack with clothes that are too small for her.
It also happened to me.
And there are two options:
Or I start to argue with that and I fight with ghosts,
and I stop being present with my daughter the time I have to be.
Or I do an informal practice; of Mindfulness,
and I am fully connected and attuned to my daughter,
the time we have to share.
The interesting thing is that I found that the psychiatrist Daniel Siegel,
supports this idea by saying that when you have a resonant communication,
with another person, in the case of the separated father and with children.
If you have a resonant communication, something of you is resonating in the other
and it is vibrating, like the stones that one throws in the water and have an effect.
And your son stays with you inside, your son takes you no matter how little he looks.
And I think it becomes a key practice, for any separated father.
The other practice has to do with something everyday that is making your baby sleep.
Let’s put the case at 4 in the morning that you are making your son sleep,
You have your son in your arms.
And you know you have a meeting at 8, you have to present your project to the boss.
And you start to move it more, because you think that if you move more it is capable of falling asleep.
Then … sleep, sleep, sleep.
And it does not work.
And the time passes; It’s 5 o’clock, and you do not give anymore, you walk, you hit the armchair
why are you half asleep
you sit, you get up, you start to sweat ice cream.
And notice that this is the same as what is described in the spiritual literature
of the person who is sitting on the meditation cushion in a retreat.
He’s sitting for hours, he does not give anymore, his legs hurt, he’s going to explode,
he’s going to get up and he’s going to run away,
and will push the teacher of the meditation room, does not give more!
You are with your baby.
6 in the morning, you have not slept at all and do not stop crying.
And you do not know if you jump out the window or jump with your baby,
or what are you going to explode.
And suddenly something happens, as described in spiritual literature;
suddenly something happens, like opening
you open up to the situation and stop fighting because he falls asleep.
Because I want him to fall asleep now, because I need to sleep.
Or when you are meditating, you stop fighting because your legs hurt.
Suddenly, you are there simply, you are there present.
And when you’re there,
You can enjoy the magic of being with your baby
and look at the little hands and look at the hair curlers.
And you hear little birds; and it’s all good, and it’s 7 o’clock and you have not slept at all,
but it does not matter because you are in a state of connection with your baby and nature.
As described in spiritual experiences,
when you connect with something superior to you
and you loose your little idea of how things should be.
And in that magical moment,
your baby … falls asleep.
And it’s not magic, because you relaxed, you let go and cuddled your baby.
And I would like all male parents to live this spiritual experience,
to make your baby sleep.
The third practice
of Mindfulness in action in parenting, is with adolescent children.
It happened to me
I suddenly realized that my daughter was a teenager.
My daughter became a teenager in one day.
He woke up, and he was a teenager.
It was not a gradual process … – Dad, I’m changing, get ready dad-
Suddenly, I wake up being a teenager
And you know how I realized,
He went down to breakfast,
and I told him the same joke without grace that I told him all his life.
And he looks at me like that with a long face,
look at my wife,
and says, “What’s up, dad?”
(Laughter)
And I thought maybe he had a bad day, he slept badly, and I repeated the joke.
But no.
So, one option there is to keep repeating the joke without grace
and that things are as you want and hit you against the wall
which is what many dads usually do.
And the other option is that it is a Mindfulness practice.
Be fully aware of what is happening
and realize that your son or daughter, is no longer the same, is no longer a girl.
He is not a child anymore.
Grew up.
And that means that it requires another kind of relationship.
And he challenges you, to connect with that other type of relationship that is asking you
It also requires something that is very Mindfulness, which is to trust and let go.
Trust that everything is fine
and let your child grow up.
There are three examples and three practices.
And what the research says is that male parents are more involved,
besides how I started talking about the development
and the neuronal connections.
They imply, safer and more self-confident children to go out and explore the world.
It has benefits for male parents,
because it gives them much more feeling of happiness and well-being
be involved in parenting.
And in mothers,
has benefits
in terms of: giving them time for them,
greater mental health,
greater professional development and greater personal development.
But that is not all.
I want you in this talk, to say the most important secret,
that has not been said.
Bring attention.
If you want, as a father man attention parents men,
if you want to have more and better sex during the marriage.
You listened well, more and better sex during the marriage.
No weekends in boutique hotels,
no jewelry,
nor invitations to eat surprises will be you.
I invite you,
to be a father more involved and more present in the upbringing
and you will make your wife happier and you will have more and better sex in the marriage.
Thank you so much.
(Applause)
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