noticing and having missing conversations can change your life and
conversations can change your life and
conversations can change your life and the life of those around you it can
the life of those around you it can
the life of those around you it can change you it is changing me I’ve been
change you it is changing me I’ve been
change you it is changing me I’ve been lucky enough to teach innovation for 15
lucky enough to teach innovation for 15
lucky enough to teach innovation for 15 years and I define it as acting on ideas
years and I define it as acting on ideas
years and I define it as acting on ideas for a purpose the purpose is important
for a purpose the purpose is important
for a purpose the purpose is important it doesn’t have to be global it doesn’t
it doesn’t have to be global it doesn’t
it doesn’t have to be global it doesn’t have to be huge but it does need to
have to be huge but it does need to
have to be huge but it does need to matter missing conversations are a great
matter missing conversations are a great
matter missing conversations are a great tool to start what I call a practice of
tool to start what I call a practice of
tool to start what I call a practice of individual innovation a tool to help you
individual innovation a tool to help you
individual innovation a tool to help you develop conversations about things that
develop conversations about things that
develop conversations about things that really matter I suggest starting close
really matter I suggest starting close
really matter I suggest starting close to home
to home
to home with conversations to build
with conversations to build
with conversations to build relationships with neighbors with
relationships with neighbors with
relationships with neighbors with co-workers and with family and even
co-workers and with family and even
co-workers and with family and even closer to home to think about your
closer to home to think about your
closer to home to think about your thinking and how it’s serving your
thinking and how it’s serving your
thinking and how it’s serving your purpose I hope today you’ll start at
purpose I hope today you’ll start at
purpose I hope today you’ll start at your own practice of individual
your own practice of individual
your own practice of individual innovation by thinking about and having
innovation by thinking about and having
innovation by thinking about and having your missing conversations what are your
your missing conversations what are your
your missing conversations what are your missing conversations well they might be
missing conversations well they might be
missing conversations well they might be conversations that are absolutely
conversations that are absolutely
conversations that are absolutely missing they’re the ones that we’re not
missing they’re the ones that we’re not
missing they’re the ones that we’re not having right now they also might be
having right now they also might be
having right now they also might be subconscious conversations and because
subconscious conversations and because
subconscious conversations and because they’re subconscious we don’t notice
they’re subconscious we don’t notice
they’re subconscious we don’t notice them let’s start by exploring the first
them let’s start by exploring the first
them let’s start by exploring the first kind conversations that are literally
kind conversations that are literally
kind conversations that are literally missing it’s July 15th 2016 you’re in my
missing it’s July 15th 2016 you’re in my
missing it’s July 15th 2016 you’re in my car were driving to work and I hit dial
car were driving to work and I hit dial
car were driving to work and I hit dial and call my sister Vicky in England she
and call my sister Vicky in England she
and call my sister Vicky in England she says hi and she’s accompanied by a
says hi and she’s accompanied by a
says hi and she’s accompanied by a cacophony of barking from her beloved
cacophony of barking from her beloved
cacophony of barking from her beloved dogs I greet the dogs and the barking
dogs I greet the dogs and the barking
dogs I greet the dogs and the barking dies down
dies down
dies down Vicky advises that she’s having a bad
Vicky advises that she’s having a bad
Vicky advises that she’s having a bad day today so I listened to her and I
day today so I listened to her and I
day today so I listened to her and I reminded that I love her and she feels a
reminded that I love her and she feels a
reminded that I love her and she feels a little better that we both feel better
little better that we both feel better
little better that we both feel better let’s leave that
let’s leave that
let’s leave that dori there and come back to it in a
dori there and come back to it in a
dori there and come back to it in a moment first some context Vicki and I
moment first some context Vicki and I
moment first some context Vicki and I grew up had a fabulous relationship as
grew up had a fabulous relationship as
grew up had a fabulous relationship as young children and as we got a little
young children and as we got a little
young children and as we got a little older our lives diverged by coming to
older our lives diverged by coming to
older our lives diverged by coming to university at America literally put an
university at America literally put an
university at America literally put an ocean between us her life held a lot of
ocean between us her life held a lot of
ocean between us her life held a lot of tragedy she lost two husbands and both
tragedy she lost two husbands and both
tragedy she lost two husbands and both her sons to different causes and at
her sons to different causes and at
her sons to different causes and at different times
different times
different times she suffered loneliness and grief and in
she suffered loneliness and grief and in
she suffered loneliness and grief and in 2006 I thought to myself I’d like to
2006 I thought to myself I’d like to
2006 I thought to myself I’d like to recreate that relationship with my
recreate that relationship with my
recreate that relationship with my sister that I had as a child I also
sister that I had as a child I also
sister that I had as a child I also wanted to be there for her during this
wanted to be there for her during this
wanted to be there for her during this difficult time so I made myself a
difficult time so I made myself a
difficult time so I made myself a promise I’ll call Vicki every two weeks
promise I’ll call Vicki every two weeks
promise I’ll call Vicki every two weeks four years later I was reviewing this
four years later I was reviewing this
four years later I was reviewing this promise with my innovation class and to
promise with my innovation class and to
promise with my innovation class and to my horror I noticed that I wasn’t
my horror I noticed that I wasn’t
my horror I noticed that I wasn’t keeping it I was failing in my own class
or was I isn’t innovational about trying
or was I isn’t innovational about trying and failing and learning noticing the
and failing and learning noticing the
and failing and learning noticing the failure sparked a new idea could I
failure sparked a new idea could I
failure sparked a new idea could I possibly call Vicki every workday this
possibly call Vicki every workday this
possibly call Vicki every workday this new idea while it seemed a lot harder
new idea while it seemed a lot harder
new idea while it seemed a lot harder than the original idea was actually
than the original idea was actually
than the original idea was actually easier and I managed to keep it and
easier and I managed to keep it and
easier and I managed to keep it and Vicki and I talked for the next six
Vicki and I talked for the next six
Vicki and I talked for the next six years every work day until sadly she
years every work day until sadly she
years every work day until sadly she died in 2016 let’s review this through
died in 2016 let’s review this through
died in 2016 let’s review this through the lens of individual innovation and
the lens of individual innovation and
the lens of individual innovation and missing conversations there was a
missing conversations there was a
missing conversations there was a missing conversation for four years I
missing conversation for four years I
missing conversation for four years I was not talking to my sister every two
was not talking to my sister every two
was not talking to my sister every two weeks that idea sparked a new idea that
weeks that idea sparked a new idea that
weeks that idea sparked a new idea that I could potentially act on I acted on
I could potentially act on I acted on
I could potentially act on I acted on that idea and it changed everything for
that idea and it changed everything for
that idea and it changed everything for the two of us we were able to reconnect
the two of us we were able to reconnect
the two of us we were able to reconnect make a fantastic relationship that we’d
make a fantastic relationship that we’d
make a fantastic relationship that we’d had as children and what other wonderful
had as children and what other wonderful
had as children and what other wonderful outcomes as well
outcomes as well
outcomes as well Vicky was able to reconnect with her
Vicky was able to reconnect with her
Vicky was able to reconnect with her daughter-in-law Shelley and Shelley’s
daughter-in-law Shelley and Shelley’s
daughter-in-law Shelley and Shelley’s lovely family by having her own missing
lovely family by having her own missing
lovely family by having her own missing conversations to make that happen and at
conversations to make that happen and at
conversations to make that happen and at the celebration of Vicky’s life
the celebration of Vicky’s life
the celebration of Vicky’s life Shelley’s two of Shelley’s very young
Shelley’s two of Shelley’s very young
Shelley’s two of Shelley’s very young children gave beautiful eulogies about
children gave beautiful eulogies about
children gave beautiful eulogies about her Vicky had attended their sports and
her Vicky had attended their sports and
her Vicky had attended their sports and their practices and one of them even
their practices and one of them even
their practices and one of them even said unlike uncle James
said unlike uncle James
said unlike uncle James Vicky never felt asleep in my gymnastics
Vicky never felt asleep in my gymnastics
Vicky never felt asleep in my gymnastics practice conversations about death may
practice conversations about death may
practice conversations about death may be the ultimate missing conversation at
be the ultimate missing conversation at
be the ultimate missing conversation at our church we run a class grief class
our church we run a class grief class
our church we run a class grief class called walking the mourners path and we
called walking the mourners path and we
called walking the mourners path and we ask all the participants how is death
ask all the participants how is death
ask all the participants how is death discussed in your family of origin and a
discussed in your family of origin and a
discussed in your family of origin and a hundred percent of the time it’s never
hundred percent of the time it’s never
hundred percent of the time it’s never the answer is it’s never discussed and
the answer is it’s never discussed and
the answer is it’s never discussed and that certainly was my experience how
that certainly was my experience how
that certainly was my experience how about you one thing you can do for
about you one thing you can do for
about you one thing you can do for people who are grieving is just be there
people who are grieving is just be there
people who are grieving is just be there and listen as you’re doing now death is
and listen as you’re doing now death is
and listen as you’re doing now death is hard to talk about and perhaps that’s
hard to talk about and perhaps that’s
hard to talk about and perhaps that’s why it’s so often a missing conversation
why it’s so often a missing conversation
why it’s so often a missing conversation but courage can really help courage to
but courage can really help courage to
but courage can really help courage to face the fear of opening old wounds
face the fear of opening old wounds
face the fear of opening old wounds courage to face the fear of sharing
courage to face the fear of sharing
courage to face the fear of sharing sensitive personal information it’s hard
sensitive personal information it’s hard
sensitive personal information it’s hard so choose well and ask what
so choose well and ask what
so choose well and ask what conversations will you have with whom
conversations will you have with whom
conversations will you have with whom about what and why
the second type of missing conversation
the second type of missing conversation our subconscious conversations and you
our subconscious conversations and you
our subconscious conversations and you may find these little surprising they’re
may find these little surprising they’re
may find these little surprising they’re actually conversations you’re having
actually conversations you’re having
actually conversations you’re having with yourself how can you possibly miss
with yourself how can you possibly miss
with yourself how can you possibly miss conversations you’re having with
conversations you’re having with
conversations you’re having with yourself turns out it’s pretty easy
because I could subconscious you don’t
because I could subconscious you don’t notice them these are assessments
notice them these are assessments
notice them these are assessments prejudgments and yes prejudices and to
prejudgments and yes prejudices and to
prejudgments and yes prejudices and to be clear prejudice is not always a bad
be clear prejudice is not always a bad
be clear prejudice is not always a bad thing in fact every time you cross the
thing in fact every time you cross the
thing in fact every time you cross the road
road
road your prejudgment saves your life you get
your prejudgment saves your life you get
your prejudgment saves your life you get to the road and you prejudge is it safe
to the road and you prejudge is it safe
to the road and you prejudge is it safe to cross another example of subconscious
to cross another example of subconscious
to cross another example of subconscious conversations is assuming that we all
conversations is assuming that we all
conversations is assuming that we all speak the same language so instant
speak the same language so instant
speak the same language so instant Churchill famously said that America and
Churchill famously said that America and
Churchill famously said that America and England are two nations divided by a
England are two nations divided by a
England are two nations divided by a common language and and having spent the
common language and and having spent the
common language and and having spent the first 20 years of my life learning
first 20 years of my life learning
first 20 years of my life learning English English and the next 40 years
English English and the next 40 years
English English and the next 40 years actually a little bit more of my life
actually a little bit more of my life
actually a little bit more of my life learning American English I am
learning American English I am
learning American English I am constantly amazed by the number of
constantly amazed by the number of
constantly amazed by the number of differences I noticed between our two
differences I noticed between our two
differences I noticed between our two common languages here’s a story to tell
common languages here’s a story to tell
common languages here’s a story to tell the point 40 years ago my American wife
the point 40 years ago my American wife
the point 40 years ago my American wife and I lived in England and she just
and I lived in England and she just
and I lived in England and she just joined a very serious all-female lawyers
joined a very serious all-female lawyers
joined a very serious all-female lawyers office and on her first day to work she
office and on her first day to work she
office and on her first day to work she noticed everybody was wearing dresses so
noticed everybody was wearing dresses so
noticed everybody was wearing dresses so she stepped into her boss’s office and
she stepped into her boss’s office and
she stepped into her boss’s office and asked would it be okay if I wore pants
asked would it be okay if I wore pants
asked would it be okay if I wore pants to work today to which her astonished
to work today to which her astonished
to work today to which her astonished boss said mrs. Barnes I hope you’ll wear
boss said mrs. Barnes I hope you’ll wear
boss said mrs. Barnes I hope you’ll wear pants to work today
pants to work today
pants to work today I mean I mean tomorrow tomorrow but
I mean I mean tomorrow tomorrow but
I mean I mean tomorrow tomorrow but tomorrow tomorrow all right there wasn’t
tomorrow tomorrow all right there wasn’t
tomorrow tomorrow all right there wasn’t today all right so so buff more buff
today all right so so buff more buff
today all right so so buff more buff didn’t know was it in England pants mean
didn’t know was it in England pants mean
didn’t know was it in England pants mean Underpants she had just asked her boss
Underpants she had just asked her boss
Underpants she had just asked her boss if she could wear underpants to work
if she could wear underpants to work
if she could wear underpants to work a third example of subconscious
a third example of subconscious
a third example of subconscious conversations involves two short stories
conversations involves two short stories
conversations involves two short stories and a little audience participation so
and a little audience participation so
and a little audience participation so please listen well and think about your
please listen well and think about your
please listen well and think about your thinking it comes the first story Sarah
thinking it comes the first story Sarah
thinking it comes the first story Sarah is a good student but let’s stop right
is a good student but let’s stop right
is a good student but let’s stop right there what are you thinking nice
there what are you thinking nice
there what are you thinking nice participation I suspect you’re probably
participation I suspect you’re probably
participation I suspect you’re probably thinking of some stories about Sarah
thinking of some stories about Sarah
thinking of some stories about Sarah let’s try that again
let’s try that again
let’s try that again there he comes the second story Sarah is
there he comes the second story Sarah is
there he comes the second story Sarah is a good student and now what are you
a good student and now what are you
a good student and now what are you thinking okay so sis did you’re Sarah
thinking okay so sis did you’re Sarah
thinking okay so sis did you’re Sarah and stories were they different from the
and stories were they different from the
and stories were they different from the Sarah but and they were isn’t that
Sarah but and they were isn’t that
Sarah but and they were isn’t that interesting that you’re you know
interesting that you’re you know
interesting that you’re you know changing one word makes such a big
changing one word makes such a big
changing one word makes such a big difference in a conversation and
difference in a conversation and
difference in a conversation and probably the most important point here
probably the most important point here
probably the most important point here is not the button and the end but the
is not the button and the end but the
is not the button and the end but the fact that you had that thought in your
fact that you had that thought in your
fact that you had that thought in your mind and a big question is you did you
mind and a big question is you did you
mind and a big question is you did you notice that thought until I asked you
notice that thought until I asked you
notice that thought until I asked you about it cognitive scientists suggest
about it cognitive scientists suggest
about it cognitive scientists suggest that we create meaning in what we’re
that we create meaning in what we’re
that we create meaning in what we’re hearing by relating to our own lived
hearing by relating to our own lived
hearing by relating to our own lived experience so as we hear a story or hear
experience so as we hear a story or hear
experience so as we hear a story or hear words we’re already anticipating what
words we’re already anticipating what
words we’re already anticipating what the meaning of those words are and
the meaning of those words are and
the meaning of those words are and sometimes we’re finishing the story
sometimes we’re finishing the story
sometimes we’re finishing the story before the storyteller has finished like
before the storyteller has finished like
before the storyteller has finished like you did with with Sarah I often wonder
you did with with Sarah I often wonder
you did with with Sarah I often wonder about what cognitive scientists think
about what cognitive scientists think
about what cognitive scientists think and I wonder if that’s true
and I wonder if that’s true
and I wonder if that’s true if we create meaning out of our own
if we create meaning out of our own
if we create meaning out of our own stories it’s a disaster it’s almost no
stories it’s a disaster it’s almost no
stories it’s a disaster it’s almost no wonder that the world is so confused and
wonder that the world is so confused and
wonder that the world is so confused and there’s so much tension in the world not
there’s so much tension in the world not
there’s so much tension in the world not to mention languages it’s the
to mention languages it’s the
to mention languages it’s the rotation in fact I often think that
rotation in fact I often think that
rotation in fact I often think that everybody thinks the same way I think
everybody thinks the same way I think
everybody thinks the same way I think how crazy is that
how crazy is that
how crazy is that you know perhaps I’m the only person
you know perhaps I’m the only person
you know perhaps I’m the only person that thinks the way I think perhaps I’m
that thinks the way I think perhaps I’m
that thinks the way I think perhaps I’m the only person that speaks my language
the only person that speaks my language
the only person that speaks my language perhaps to build on what some Winston
perhaps to build on what some Winston
perhaps to build on what some Winston Churchill said we’re a globe of eight
Churchill said we’re a globe of eight
Churchill said we’re a globe of eight billion people divided by eight billion
billion people divided by eight billion
billion people divided by eight billion languages one thing you can do about
languages one thing you can do about
languages one thing you can do about this is to stop and ask what are my
this is to stop and ask what are my
this is to stop and ask what are my prejudices and are they serving my
prejudices and are they serving my
prejudices and are they serving my purpose
purpose
purpose so to summarize there are two types of
so to summarize there are two types of
so to summarize there are two types of conversation those that are actually not
conversation those that are actually not
conversation those that are actually not happening and subconscious conversations
happening and subconscious conversations
happening and subconscious conversations examples of those are actually not
examples of those are actually not
examples of those are actually not happening I like Vicky conversations
happening I like Vicky conversations
happening I like Vicky conversations with Vicky that we’re not happening also
with Vicky that we’re not happening also
with Vicky that we’re not happening also conversations about death and
conversations about death and
conversations about death and conversations that are subconscious the
conversations that are subconscious the
conversations that are subconscious the examples there were thinking about two
examples there were thinking about two
examples there were thinking about two languages the stories that you made up
languages the stories that you made up
languages the stories that you made up so so let’s summarize for a moment and
so so let’s summarize for a moment and
so so let’s summarize for a moment and think about what it is that a missing
think about what it is that a missing
think about what it is that a missing conversation is to you let’s return to
conversation is to you let’s return to
conversation is to you let’s return to the story you’re in my car which is
the story you’re in my car which is
the story you’re in my car which is called my sister Vicky two days after
called my sister Vicky two days after
called my sister Vicky two days after that event there was a message on my
that event there was a message on my
that event there was a message on my phone
phone
phone Vicky had left a message it will be the
Vicky had left a message it will be the
Vicky had left a message it will be the last that she would ever leave and in it
last that she would ever leave and in it
last that she would ever leave and in it she described that she had a great trip
she described that she had a great trip
she described that she had a great trip to the stained glass Museum she had a
to the stained glass Museum she had a
to the stained glass Museum she had a very good meeting with her cycle it’s
very good meeting with her cycle it’s
very good meeting with her cycle it’s like ayat rest’
like ayat rest’
like ayat rest’ and she ended this story by saying I
and she ended this story by saying I
and she ended this story by saying I love you all bye and it’s that joy in
love you all bye and it’s that joy in
love you all bye and it’s that joy in that bye
that bye
that bye that encourages me to encourage you to
that encourages me to encourage you to
that encourages me to encourage you to start your individual
start your individual
start your individual innovation practice notice you’re
innovation practice notice you’re
innovation practice notice you’re missing conversations and have the ones
missing conversations and have the ones
missing conversations and have the ones that are literally missing that are
that are literally missing that are
that are literally missing that are important and notice your prejudgments
important and notice your prejudgments
important and notice your prejudgments and prejudices and challenge those
and prejudices and challenge those
and prejudices and challenge those prejudices change them but first notice
prejudices change them but first notice
prejudices change them but first notice them because until you notice them you
them because until you notice them you
them because until you notice them you have no hope of changing them Vicki and
have no hope of changing them Vicki and
have no hope of changing them Vicki and I used to love having bonfires we would
I used to love having bonfires we would
I used to love having bonfires we would sit and round the bonfire with our
sit and round the bonfire with our
sit and round the bonfire with our family and just have wonderful times and
family and just have wonderful times and
family and just have wonderful times and a couple of years before she died we
a couple of years before she died we
a couple of years before she died we would do this quite a lot with our
would do this quite a lot with our
would do this quite a lot with our brother now I often will have a bonfire
brother now I often will have a bonfire
brother now I often will have a bonfire in the backyard and I’ll sit by it and
in the backyard and I’ll sit by it and
in the backyard and I’ll sit by it and I’ll just sit and remember the joy that
I’ll just sit and remember the joy that
I’ll just sit and remember the joy that Vicki brought to the world so here we
Vicki brought to the world so here we
Vicki brought to the world so here we are by the fireside remembering Vicki
are by the fireside remembering Vicki
are by the fireside remembering Vicki what are your missing conversations I
what are your missing conversations I
what are your missing conversations I hope you’ll be inspired to start an
hope you’ll be inspired to start an
hope you’ll be inspired to start an individual innovation practice noticing
individual innovation practice noticing
individual innovation practice noticing and having your missing conversations
and having your missing conversations
and having your missing conversations you’ll be glad if you do it will change
you’ll be glad if you do it will change
you’ll be glad if you do it will change you as it continues to change me one
you as it continues to change me one
you as it continues to change me one conversation at a time thank you
conversation at a time thank you
conversation at a time thank you [Applause]
”
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