hi my name is Mary Jo and I guess this is a bit of a confessional for me I’m a
is a bit of a confessional for me I’m a
is a bit of a confessional for me I’m a wife I’m a mom I’m a nurse and oh yeah
wife I’m a mom I’m a nurse and oh yeah
wife I’m a mom I’m a nurse and oh yeah I’m turning 50 this year if you were to
I’m turning 50 this year if you were to
I’m turning 50 this year if you were to ask me to describe my professional self
ask me to describe my professional self
ask me to describe my professional self I would tell you I’m a palliative care
I would tell you I’m a palliative care
I would tell you I’m a palliative care nurse this despite the fact that I’ve
nurse this despite the fact that I’ve
nurse this despite the fact that I’ve been away from the bedside for nearly
been away from the bedside for nearly
been away from the bedside for nearly two years I’ve worked both in the
two years I’ve worked both in the
two years I’ve worked both in the community and in the hospital setting
community and in the hospital setting
community and in the hospital setting palliative care is where my heart lies
palliative care is where my heart lies
palliative care is where my heart lies it’s where I feel most at home as a
it’s where I feel most at home as a
it’s where I feel most at home as a nurse and it’s probably where I’ve done
nurse and it’s probably where I’ve done
nurse and it’s probably where I’ve done my best work if you don’t know what
my best work if you don’t know what
my best work if you don’t know what palliative care means it means I chose
palliative care means it means I chose
palliative care means it means I chose to specialize with working with the
to specialize with working with the
to specialize with working with the dying the patients I’ve worked with what
dying the patients I’ve worked with what
dying the patients I’ve worked with what they’ve taught me more than any textbook
they’ve taught me more than any textbook
they’ve taught me more than any textbook could ever impart these patients they
could ever impart these patients they
could ever impart these patients they raised me as a nurse three years after I
raised me as a nurse three years after I
raised me as a nurse three years after I graduated someone I thought I knew
graduated someone I thought I knew
graduated someone I thought I knew someone I’d gone to high school with
someone I’d gone to high school with
someone I’d gone to high school with someone I found myself working alongside
someone I found myself working alongside
someone I found myself working alongside of died Carolyn died suddenly and she
of died Carolyn died suddenly and she
of died Carolyn died suddenly and she died tragically she wasn’t a palliative
died tragically she wasn’t a palliative
died tragically she wasn’t a palliative care patient
care patient
care patient Carolyn died at the hands of a drunk
Carolyn died at the hands of a drunk
Carolyn died at the hands of a drunk driver her death was a seminal moment in
driver her death was a seminal moment in
driver her death was a seminal moment in my life so I decided to call this
my life so I decided to call this
my life so I decided to call this presentation lessons from the dying so
presentation lessons from the dying so
presentation lessons from the dying so why did Carolyn’s death have such an
why did Carolyn’s death have such an
why did Carolyn’s death have such an impact on me why do I still think about
impact on me why do I still think about
impact on me why do I still think about her after all these years I guess I took
her after all these years I guess I took
her after all these years I guess I took a snapshot of her I compared her to
a snapshot of her I compared her to
a snapshot of her I compared her to myself and I judged her to be lacking
Carolyn was quiet I’m loud Carolyn was
Carolyn was quiet I’m loud Carolyn was shy I am NOT Carolyn appeared to settle
shy I am NOT Carolyn appeared to settle
shy I am NOT Carolyn appeared to settle I have always pushed myself someone call
I have always pushed myself someone call
I have always pushed myself someone call me driven
me driven
me driven I probably still AM I wondered how
I probably still AM I wondered how
I probably still AM I wondered how Caroline could be satisfied with her
Caroline could be satisfied with her
Caroline could be satisfied with her life I was arrogant I was later to find
life I was arrogant I was later to find
life I was arrogant I was later to find out that she was humble when Carolyn
out that she was humble when Carolyn
out that she was humble when Carolyn died she was newly engaged she and her
died she was newly engaged she and her
died she was newly engaged she and her fiance were celebrating and they were
fiance were celebrating and they were
fiance were celebrating and they were riding on his motorcycle when they were
riding on his motorcycle when they were
riding on his motorcycle when they were struck he died at the scene she died on
struck he died at the scene she died on
struck he died at the scene she died on the ferry on the way back to Kingston
the ferry on the way back to Kingston
the ferry on the way back to Kingston all of us who worked with her we were
all of us who worked with her we were
all of us who worked with her we were devastated I think we all went to her
devastated I think we all went to her
devastated I think we all went to her funeral Carolyn was 24 years old I
funeral Carolyn was 24 years old I
funeral Carolyn was 24 years old I thought I knew her I didn’t I learned
thought I knew her I didn’t I learned
thought I knew her I didn’t I learned during the church service that she
during the church service that she
during the church service that she volunteered with the homeless and the
volunteered with the homeless and the
volunteered with the homeless and the disenfranchised
disenfranchised
disenfranchised she’s been on missions trips she was a
she’s been on missions trips she was a
she’s been on missions trips she was a prolific poet she advocated for the
prolific poet she advocated for the
prolific poet she advocated for the broken and people who had less in this
broken and people who had less in this
broken and people who had less in this world than herself Carolyn had added to
world than herself Carolyn had added to
world than herself Carolyn had added to her community she’d made a difference to
her community she’d made a difference to
her community she’d made a difference to friends and strangers if I were honest I
friends and strangers if I were honest I
friends and strangers if I were honest I don’t know what if anything had added to
don’t know what if anything had added to
don’t know what if anything had added to my community other than my excellent
my community other than my excellent
my community other than my excellent sense of humor lesson number one do you
sense of humor lesson number one do you
sense of humor lesson number one do you know yourself Carolyn and the death of
know yourself Carolyn and the death of
know yourself Carolyn and the death of many of my patients taught me the value
many of my patients taught me the value
many of my patients taught me the value of self-reflection you have to be honest
of self-reflection you have to be honest
of self-reflection you have to be honest with yourself before you can be honest
with yourself before you can be honest
with yourself before you can be honest with others I took a look into my
with others I took a look into my
with others I took a look into my cerebral mirror and I didn’t like who
cerebral mirror and I didn’t like who
cerebral mirror and I didn’t like who was looking back now before you think
was looking back now before you think
was looking back now before you think I’m telling you I was a terrible person
I’m telling you I was a terrible person
I’m telling you I was a terrible person I don’t think I was a terrible person
I don’t think I was a terrible person
I don’t think I was a terrible person yes I was selfish and I was
yes I was selfish and I was
yes I was selfish and I was self-absorbed but I think a lot of 24
self-absorbed but I think a lot of 24
self-absorbed but I think a lot of 24 year-olds a lot of people in their 20s
year-olds a lot of people in their 20s
year-olds a lot of people in their 20s are selfish and self-absorbed my
are selfish and self-absorbed my
are selfish and self-absorbed my self-reflection started with me looking
self-reflection started with me looking
self-reflection started with me looking at my strengths and my weaknesses I had
at my strengths and my weaknesses I had
at my strengths and my weaknesses I had to accept where I was but it Shawn the
to accept where I was but it Shawn the
to accept where I was but it Shawn the light for where I wanted to go I learned
light for where I wanted to go I learned
light for where I wanted to go I learned I can and should learn from others
I can and should learn from others
I can and should learn from others rather than try and beat or be better
rather than try and beat or be better
rather than try and beat or be better than everybody else
than everybody else
than everybody else I needed to take stock of my life and
I needed to take stock of my life and
I needed to take stock of my life and then determine what I wanted to make up
then determine what I wanted to make up
then determine what I wanted to make up I’ve learned to surround myself with
I’ve learned to surround myself with
I’ve learned to surround myself with people who have the skills that I lack
people who have the skills that I lack
people who have the skills that I lack and hopefully I’ll learn from them life
and hopefully I’ll learn from them life
and hopefully I’ll learn from them life is not a competition life is not trying
is not a competition life is not trying
is not a competition life is not trying to hide your flaws and your faults and
to hide your flaws and your faults and
to hide your flaws and your faults and pretending to be something that you’re
pretending to be something that you’re
pretending to be something that you’re not so that you look better compared to
not so that you look better compared to
not so that you look better compared to somebody else
somebody else
somebody else life is about striving to be better not
life is about striving to be better not
life is about striving to be better not materialistically but in ways that add
materialistically but in ways that add
materialistically but in ways that add to and don’t take away from our time
to and don’t take away from our time
to and don’t take away from our time here it is because of Carolyn that I do
here it is because of Carolyn that I do
here it is because of Carolyn that I do a self-check from time to time
a self-check from time to time
a self-check from time to time self-reflection is an ongoing process
I’m not yet the person I strive to be I
I’m not yet the person I strive to be I probably never will be but I hope I’m a
probably never will be but I hope I’m a
probably never will be but I hope I’m a better person than when Carolyn knew me
better person than when Carolyn knew me
better person than when Carolyn knew me I have a question for you
I have a question for you
I have a question for you if you died tomorrow did you make a
if you died tomorrow did you make a
if you died tomorrow did you make a difference Gary was one of my first
difference Gary was one of my first
difference Gary was one of my first patients his wife and him welcomed me
patients his wife and him welcomed me
patients his wife and him welcomed me into their home they enjoyed my energy
into their home they enjoyed my energy
into their home they enjoyed my energy my youth my quick wit I had the
my youth my quick wit I had the
my youth my quick wit I had the privilege of witnessing his spiritual
privilege of witnessing his spiritual
privilege of witnessing his spiritual emotional and physical struggles they
emotional and physical struggles they
emotional and physical struggles they had nothing from me they were bare
had nothing from me they were bare
had nothing from me they were bare before me Gary would tell me about his
before me Gary would tell me about his
before me Gary would tell me about his wife’s accomplishments he was proud of
wife’s accomplishments he was proud of
wife’s accomplishments he was proud of her his wife would tell me about his
her his wife would tell me about his
her his wife would tell me about his skill as a lecturer and his secret
skill as a lecturer and his secret
skill as a lecturer and his secret passion for art their walls were covered
passion for art their walls were covered
passion for art their walls were covered with his drawings and paintings their
with his drawings and paintings their
with his drawings and paintings their rooms were bright and vibrant long
rooms were bright and vibrant long
rooms were bright and vibrant long before those impact and feature walls
before those impact and feature walls
before those impact and feature walls they would sometimes get frustrated with
they would sometimes get frustrated with
they would sometimes get frustrated with each other but who doesn’t they always
each other but who doesn’t they always
each other but who doesn’t they always found a way to show or tell that they
found a way to show or tell that they
found a way to show or tell that they forgave their house was filled with love
forgave their house was filled with love
forgave their house was filled with love I don’t remember when there wasn’t a
I don’t remember when there wasn’t a
I don’t remember when there wasn’t a gentle touch a word a glance that showed
gentle touch a word a glance that showed
gentle touch a word a glance that showed what they meant to each other on the day
what they meant to each other on the day
what they meant to each other on the day that Gary died his wife owned me I was
that Gary died his wife owned me I was
that Gary died his wife owned me I was off she asked me to come
off she asked me to come
off she asked me to come so I went it was grade a URI had not
so I went it was grade a URI had not
so I went it was grade a URI had not been responsive for many days we were
been responsive for many days we were
been responsive for many days we were truly into comfort care I was bathing
truly into comfort care I was bathing
truly into comfort care I was bathing him when he stopped breathing I expect
him when he stopped breathing I expect
him when he stopped breathing I expect him to come back I said we all needed to
him to come back I said we all needed to
him to come back I said we all needed to say goodbye he took in at breath his
say goodbye he took in at breath his
say goodbye he took in at breath his wife his son’s priest me we were all in
wife his son’s priest me we were all in
wife his son’s priest me we were all in the room he opened his eyes he looked at
the room he opened his eyes he looked at
the room he opened his eyes he looked at each one of us and then he turned and he
each one of us and then he turned and he
each one of us and then he turned and he looked at across he had designed the Sun
looked at across he had designed the Sun
looked at across he had designed the Sun broke through the clouds she smiled and
broke through the clouds she smiled and
broke through the clouds she smiled and then he was gone I was forever changed
then he was gone I was forever changed
then he was gone I was forever changed in that moment I knew I chosen the right
in that moment I knew I chosen the right
in that moment I knew I chosen the right career as doing the right thing and that
career as doing the right thing and that
career as doing the right thing and that I could make a difference Gary’s death
I could make a difference Gary’s death
I could make a difference Gary’s death was the seminal moment of my nursing
was the seminal moment of my nursing
was the seminal moment of my nursing life
life
life Gary’s gift to me was his legacy of love
Gary’s gift to me was his legacy of love
Gary’s gift to me was his legacy of love he taught me the love is real and it is
he taught me the love is real and it is
he taught me the love is real and it is tangible he also taught me about the
tangible he also taught me about the
tangible he also taught me about the power of forgiveness when we forgive it
power of forgiveness when we forgive it
power of forgiveness when we forgive it releases us it’s a lesson number two
releases us it’s a lesson number two
releases us it’s a lesson number two your words and actions matter saying I
your words and actions matter saying I
your words and actions matter saying I love you is important showing I love you
love you is important showing I love you
love you is important showing I love you and I care is just as important it
and I care is just as important it
and I care is just as important it sounds corny but there isn’t a day that
sounds corny but there isn’t a day that
sounds corny but there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t try and show and
goes by that I don’t try and show and
goes by that I don’t try and show and tell my family what they mean to me and
tell my family what they mean to me and
tell my family what they mean to me and I haven’t kept it to just my family
I haven’t kept it to just my family
I haven’t kept it to just my family either strangers friends I try and say
either strangers friends I try and say
either strangers friends I try and say words like thank you
words like thank you
words like thank you I try and acknowledge people show that
I try and acknowledge people show that
I try and acknowledge people show that they mean something to me that they have
they mean something to me that they have
they mean something to me that they have value I appreciate them we are so
value I appreciate them we are so
value I appreciate them we are so dismissive Curt it takes very little
dismissive Curt it takes very little
dismissive Curt it takes very little energy to be kind but for the recipient
energy to be kind but for the recipient
energy to be kind but for the recipient it means every
it means every
it means every on the flip side are the harsh and angry
on the flip side are the harsh and angry
on the flip side are the harsh and angry words that we share they can bring pain
words that we share they can bring pain
words that we share they can bring pain and great division gary taught me that
and great division gary taught me that
and great division gary taught me that when we forgive we allow both parties to
when we forgive we allow both parties to
when we forgive we allow both parties to move forward as hard as it feels
move forward as hard as it feels
move forward as hard as it feels forgiveness it will bring you freedom
there’s a hashtag there Becca Scofield
there’s a hashtag there Becca Scofield is a teenager who lives in New Brunswick
is a teenager who lives in New Brunswick
is a teenager who lives in New Brunswick you may have heard her she’d look her up
you may have heard her she’d look her up
you may have heard her she’d look her up she’s dying from some form of brain
she’s dying from some form of brain
she’s dying from some form of brain cancer when she found out she was no
cancer when she found out she was no
cancer when she found out she was no longer responding to treatment she
longer responding to treatment she
longer responding to treatment she turned to social media and she asked
turned to social media and she asked
turned to social media and she asked that people would do a random act of
that people would do a random act of
that people would do a random act of kindness and posted on that hashtag
kindness and posted on that hashtag
kindness and posted on that hashtag well those acts of kindness have
well those acts of kindness have
well those acts of kindness have continued from Australia to Uruguay her
continued from Australia to Uruguay her
continued from Australia to Uruguay her parents say it brings them comfort to
parents say it brings them comfort to
parents say it brings them comfort to see these messages they’re preparing to
see these messages they’re preparing to
see these messages they’re preparing to lose a child Becca has made a difference
lose a child Becca has made a difference
lose a child Becca has made a difference she has a legacy question for you what
she has a legacy question for you what
she has a legacy question for you what do your words and actions say about you
do your words and actions say about you
do your words and actions say about you as a person Lorna was a beautiful lady
as a person Lorna was a beautiful lady
as a person Lorna was a beautiful lady she came from a large family she had
she came from a large family she had
she came from a large family she had many many friends she worked hard her
many many friends she worked hard her
many many friends she worked hard her whole life so that when she retired she
whole life so that when she retired she
whole life so that when she retired she could enjoy the fruits of her labor she
could enjoy the fruits of her labor she
could enjoy the fruits of her labor she was hopeful when she was diagnosed she
was hopeful when she was diagnosed she
was hopeful when she was diagnosed she was in her 60s and she was fit together
was in her 60s and she was fit together
was in her 60s and she was fit together she and her husband planned the trip of
she and her husband planned the trip of
she and her husband planned the trip of a lifetime
a lifetime
a lifetime I met Lorna when she was admitted for
I met Lorna when she was admitted for
I met Lorna when she was admitted for symptom control she was no longer
symptom control she was no longer
symptom control she was no longer responding to treatments she was weak
responding to treatments she was weak
responding to treatments she was weak and emaciated the trip had to be
and emaciated the trip had to be
and emaciated the trip had to be canceled there was grief it was anger
canceled there was grief it was anger
canceled there was grief it was anger there was denial over the next six
there was denial over the next six
there was denial over the next six months I watched as Lauren is slowly
months I watched as Lauren is slowly
months I watched as Lauren is slowly declined
declined
declined at first she tried to cram in every
at first she tried to cram in every
at first she tried to cram in every friend every acquaintance she touched so
friend every acquaintance she touched so
friend every acquaintance she touched so many people they wanted to spend time
many people they wanted to spend time
many people they wanted to spend time with her her quiet time was at night or
with her her quiet time was at night or
with her her quiet time was at night or when the nurses came in to provide care
when the nurses came in to provide care
when the nurses came in to provide care she had asked me to slow down she said
she had asked me to slow down she said
she had asked me to slow down she said she needed a break from the frenetic
she needed a break from the frenetic
she needed a break from the frenetic pace that she found so exhausting she
pace that she found so exhausting she
pace that she found so exhausting she didn’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings
didn’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings
didn’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings her family finally had to intervene
her family finally had to intervene
her family finally had to intervene during the last month of her life she
during the last month of her life she
during the last month of her life she spent the time with the people that she
spent the time with the people that she
spent the time with the people that she loved the most in the world there were
loved the most in the world there were
loved the most in the world there were mass bed cuddles and I admit I joined in
mass bed cuddles and I admit I joined in
mass bed cuddles and I admit I joined in more than one of them there were
more than one of them there were
more than one of them there were sleepovers there were movie nights there
sleepovers there were movie nights there
sleepovers there were movie nights there was storytelling there was reminiscing
was storytelling there was reminiscing
was storytelling there was reminiscing there was a lot of laughter her
there was a lot of laughter her
there was a lot of laughter her daughters made sure her hair was perfect
daughters made sure her hair was perfect
daughters made sure her hair was perfect and her makeup was immaculate on the day
and her makeup was immaculate on the day
and her makeup was immaculate on the day that lorna died she was meticulous lorna
that lorna died she was meticulous lorna
that lorna died she was meticulous lorna taught me that despite our best plans
taught me that despite our best plans
taught me that despite our best plans and intentions we need to make sure that
and intentions we need to make sure that
and intentions we need to make sure that our time counts
lesson number three sometimes there are
lesson number three sometimes there are no leaders as a society we speed-date
no leaders as a society we speed-date
no leaders as a society we speed-date our friends we speed date our family we
our friends we speed date our family we
our friends we speed date our family we push things off until later we text we
push things off until later we text we
push things off until later we text we have quick chats we focus on quantity
have quick chats we focus on quantity
have quick chats we focus on quantity and we forget all about the quality we
and we forget all about the quality we
and we forget all about the quality we need to slow down this last lesson it
need to slow down this last lesson it
need to slow down this last lesson it encompasses the other two when there are
encompasses the other two when there are
encompasses the other two when there are no leaders on the horizons we need to do
no leaders on the horizons we need to do
no leaders on the horizons we need to do more than just exist we need to take the
more than just exist we need to take the
more than just exist we need to take the opportunities to be kind to each other
opportunities to be kind to each other
opportunities to be kind to each other we need to make sure that we’re
we need to make sure that we’re
we need to make sure that we’re observing what’s going on around it’s
observing what’s going on around it’s
observing what’s going on around it’s not just focusing on our screens and on
not just focusing on our screens and on
not just focusing on our screens and on ourselves I don’t know if I’m going to
ourselves I don’t know if I’m going to
ourselves I don’t know if I’m going to be the person I want to be and I don’t
be the person I want to be and I don’t
be the person I want to be and I don’t know if I’m gonna have the time to say
know if I’m gonna have the time to say
know if I’m gonna have the time to say or do the things I want or should do I
or do the things I want or should do I
or do the things I want or should do I need to plan but I don’t know what my
need to plan but I don’t know what my
need to plan but I don’t know what my future is I need to think about my
future is I need to think about my
future is I need to think about my future but I need to make sure I’m
future but I need to make sure I’m
future but I need to make sure I’m living well now so I have to ask you do
living well now so I have to ask you do
living well now so I have to ask you do you have any laters that if you could do
you have any laters that if you could do
you have any laters that if you could do them again they would be nows do you
them again they would be nows do you
them again they would be nows do you have any laters that have turned into
have any laters that have turned into
have any laters that have turned into Nevers because I do my introduction to
Nevers because I do my introduction to
Nevers because I do my introduction to palliative care was by serendipity I was
palliative care was by serendipity I was
palliative care was by serendipity I was looking for job security I had no
looking for job security I had no
looking for job security I had no knowledge of the field no training
knowledge of the field no training
knowledge of the field no training whatsoever I needed a job I needed money
whatsoever I needed a job I needed money
whatsoever I needed a job I needed money palliative care forever changed me it’s
palliative care forever changed me it’s
palliative care forever changed me it’s changed how I interact with my family
changed how I interact with my family
changed how I interact with my family and my friends it’s made me question my
and my friends it’s made me question my
and my friends it’s made me question my values and my beliefs there isn’t a day
values and my beliefs there isn’t a day
values and my beliefs there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t try and apply
that goes by that I don’t try and apply
that goes by that I don’t try and apply one of these lessons so I want to finish
one of these lessons so I want to finish
one of these lessons so I want to finish where I started I don’t think you have
where I started I don’t think you have
where I started I don’t think you have to work in palliative care to apply the
to work in palliative care to apply the
to work in palliative care to apply the lessons I’ve learned palliative care
lessons I’ve learned palliative care
lessons I’ve learned palliative care always ends in death the death is
always ends in death the death is
always ends in death the death is individual every patient has changed and
individual every patient has changed and
individual every patient has changed and informed me in a different way hopefully
informed me in a different way hopefully
informed me in a different way hopefully for the better so I want to leave you
for the better so I want to leave you
for the better so I want to leave you with this last thought I want to ask you
with this last thought I want to ask you
with this last thought I want to ask you reflect on your life and ask yourself
reflect on your life and ask yourself
reflect on your life and ask yourself how am i living thank you
how am i living thank you
how am i living thank you [Applause]
”
Be First to Comment