I was the CEO of a large religious nonprofit the host of a national
nonprofit the host of a national
nonprofit the host of a national television show I preached in mega
television show I preached in mega
television show I preached in mega churches I was a successful
churches I was a successful
churches I was a successful well-educated white American male the
well-educated white American male the
well-educated white American male the poet and mystic Thomas Merton said it’s
poet and mystic Thomas Merton said it’s
poet and mystic Thomas Merton said it’s a difficult thing to climb to the top of
a difficult thing to climb to the top of
a difficult thing to climb to the top of the ladder of success only to realize
the ladder of success only to realize
the ladder of success only to realize when you get there that your ladders
when you get there that your ladders
when you get there that your ladders been leaning against the wrong wall I
knew from the time I was three or four
knew from the time I was three or four years of age I was transgender in my
years of age I was transgender in my
years of age I was transgender in my naivete I thought I got to choose I
naivete I thought I got to choose I
naivete I thought I got to choose I thought a gender fairy would arrive and
thought a gender fairy would arrive and
thought a gender fairy would arrive and say okay the time has come
say okay the time has come
say okay the time has come but alas no gender fairy arrived so I
but alas no gender fairy arrived so I
but alas no gender fairy arrived so I just lived my life I didn’t hate being a
just lived my life I didn’t hate being a
just lived my life I didn’t hate being a boy I just knew I wasn’t one went to
boy I just knew I wasn’t one went to
boy I just knew I wasn’t one went to college got married had kids built a
college got married had kids built a
college got married had kids built a career but the call toward authenticity
career but the call toward authenticity
career but the call toward authenticity has all the subtlety of a smoke alarm
has all the subtlety of a smoke alarm
has all the subtlety of a smoke alarm and eventually decisions have to be made
and eventually decisions have to be made
and eventually decisions have to be made so I came out as transgender and I lost
so I came out as transgender and I lost
so I came out as transgender and I lost all of my jobs I had never had a bad
all of my jobs I had never had a bad
all of my jobs I had never had a bad review and I lost every single job in 21
review and I lost every single job in 21
review and I lost every single job in 21 states you can’t be fired for being
states you can’t be fired for being
states you can’t be fired for being transgender but in all 50 you can be
transgender but in all 50 you can be
transgender but in all 50 you can be fired if you’re transgender and you work
fired if you’re transgender and you work
fired if you’re transgender and you work for a religious corporation good to know
it’s not easy being a transgender woman
it’s not easy being a transgender woman people sometimes ask do you feel 100%
people sometimes ask do you feel 100%
people sometimes ask do you feel 100% like a woman and I say well if you’ve
like a woman and I say well if you’ve
like a woman and I say well if you’ve talked to one transgender person you’ve
talked to one transgender person you’ve
talked to one transgender person you’ve talked to exactly one transgender person
talked to exactly one transgender person
talked to exactly one transgender person I can’t speak for anybody else I feel
I can’t speak for anybody else I feel
I can’t speak for anybody else I feel 100% like a transgender woman there are
100% like a transgender woman there are
100% like a transgender woman there are things a cisgender woman knows I will
things a cisgender woman knows I will
things a cisgender woman knows I will never know that said I am learning a lot
never know that said I am learning a lot
never know that said I am learning a lot about what it means to be a female and
about what it means to be a female and
about what it means to be a female and I’m learning a lot about my former
I’m learning a lot about my former
I’m learning a lot about my former gender I have the unique experience of
gender I have the unique experience of
gender I have the unique experience of having lived life from both sides and
having lived life from both sides and
having lived life from both sides and I’m here to tell you the differences are
I’m here to tell you the differences are
I’m here to tell you the differences are massive
so I’ll start with the small stuff like
so I’ll start with the small stuff like the pockets on women’s jeans
[Applause]
[Applause] she had put a phone in there paper clip
she had put a phone in there paper clip
she had put a phone in there paper clip maybe or the sizing of women’s clothing
maybe or the sizing of women’s clothing
maybe or the sizing of women’s clothing do the numbers mean anything what is a
do the numbers mean anything what is a
do the numbers mean anything what is a double zero and ladies I doubt you’ve
double zero and ladies I doubt you’ve
double zero and ladies I doubt you’ve thought about this but do you know there
thought about this but do you know there
thought about this but do you know there is never a time in the life of a male
is never a time in the life of a male
is never a time in the life of a male that he has to worry about whether or
that he has to worry about whether or
that he has to worry about whether or not an article of his clothing is
not an article of his clothing is
not an article of his clothing is accidentally going to drop into the
accidentally going to drop into the
accidentally going to drop into the toilet not a long sweater not a belt
toilet not a long sweater not a belt
toilet not a long sweater not a belt nothing
nothing
nothing never even a passing thought no I I get
never even a passing thought no I I get
never even a passing thought no I I get my hair cut about half as often as I
my hair cut about half as often as I
my hair cut about half as often as I used to but it costs ten times as much
used to but it costs ten times as much
used to but it costs ten times as much so I can go on vacation or I can get my
so I can go on vacation or I can get my
so I can go on vacation or I can get my hair cut I cannot do both I keep bumping
hair cut I cannot do both I keep bumping
hair cut I cannot do both I keep bumping into gender differences everywhere I go
into gender differences everywhere I go
into gender differences everywhere I go sometimes literally I’m walking down the
sometimes literally I’m walking down the
sometimes literally I’m walking down the hallway and I just bump into it there’s
hallway and I just bump into it there’s
hallway and I just bump into it there’s nothing in the way and I just bump into
nothing in the way and I just bump into
nothing in the way and I just bump into it I think what’s that about and I know
it I think what’s that about and I know
it I think what’s that about and I know it’s gonna leave a bruise because now
it’s gonna leave a bruise because now
it’s gonna leave a bruise because now that my skin is thinner I have bruises
that my skin is thinner I have bruises
that my skin is thinner I have bruises absolutely everywhere how I experience
absolutely everywhere how I experience
absolutely everywhere how I experience my sexuality is profoundly different
my sexuality is profoundly different
my sexuality is profoundly different it’s less visual and more holistic less
it’s less visual and more holistic less
it’s less visual and more holistic less of a body experience and more of a being
of a body experience and more of a being
of a body experience and more of a being experience I cannot count the number of
experience I cannot count the number of
experience I cannot count the number of times I’ve said to Kathy my former wife
times I’ve said to Kathy my former wife
times I’ve said to Kathy my former wife I am so so sorry
I am so so sorry
I am so so sorry I just didn’t know what I didn’t know
I just didn’t know what I didn’t know
I just didn’t know what I didn’t know there is no way a well-educated white
there is no way a well-educated white
there is no way a well-educated white male can understand how much the culture
male can understand how much the culture
male can understand how much the culture is tilted in his favor there’s no way he
is tilted in his favor there’s no way he
is tilted in his favor there’s no way he can understand it because it’s all he’s
can understand it because it’s all he’s
can understand it because it’s all he’s ever known and all he ever will know and
ever known and all he ever will know and
ever known and all he ever will know and conversely there’s no way that a woman
conversely there’s no way that a woman
conversely there’s no way that a woman can understand the full import of that
can understand the full import of that
can understand the full import of that because being a female is all she’s ever
because being a female is all she’s ever
because being a female is all she’s ever known she might have an inkling that
known she might have an inkling that
known she might have an inkling that she’s working twice as hard for half as
she’s working twice as hard for half as
she’s working twice as hard for half as much but she has no idea how much harder
much but she has no idea how much harder
much but she has no idea how much harder it is for her if it is for the guy in
it is for her if it is for the guy in
it is for her if it is for the guy in the Brooks Brothers jacket in the office
the Brooks Brothers jacket in the office
the Brooks Brothers jacket in the office across the hall I know I was that guy
across the hall I know I was that guy
across the hall I know I was that guy and I thought I was one of the good guys
and I thought I was one of the good guys
and I thought I was one of the good guys sensitive to women egalitarian then came
sensitive to women egalitarian then came
sensitive to women egalitarian then came the first time I ever flew as a female
the first time I ever flew as a female
the first time I ever flew as a female now I’ve flown over 2.3 million miles
now I’ve flown over 2.3 million miles
now I’ve flown over 2.3 million miles with American Airlines
with American Airlines
with American Airlines I know my way around an airplane an
I know my way around an airplane an
I know my way around an airplane an American was great through my transition
American was great through my transition
American was great through my transition but that does not mean their passengers
but that does not mean their passengers
but that does not mean their passengers were the first time I flew is Paula I
were the first time I flew is Paula I
were the first time I flew is Paula I was going from Denver to Charlotte and I
was going from Denver to Charlotte and I
was going from Denver to Charlotte and I got to the plane and there was stuff in
got to the plane and there was stuff in
got to the plane and there was stuff in my seat so I picked it up to put my
my seat so I picked it up to put my
my seat so I picked it up to put my stuff down and a guy said that’s my
stuff down and a guy said that’s my
stuff down and a guy said that’s my stuff I said okay but it’s in my seat so
stuff I said okay but it’s in my seat so
stuff I said okay but it’s in my seat so I’ll just hold it for you until you find
I’ll just hold it for you until you find
I’ll just hold it for you until you find your seat and then I’ll give it to you
your seat and then I’ll give it to you
your seat and then I’ll give it to you he said lady that is my seat I said yeah
he said lady that is my seat I said yeah
he said lady that is my seat I said yeah actually it’s not it’s my seat 1d 1d but
actually it’s not it’s my seat 1d 1d but
actually it’s not it’s my seat 1d 1d but I’ll be glad to hold your stuff until
I’ll be glad to hold your stuff until
I’ll be glad to hold your stuff until you find your seat he said what do I
you find your seat he said what do I
you find your seat he said what do I have to tell you that is my seat I said
have to tell you that is my seat I said
have to tell you that is my seat I said yeah it’s not
at which point the guy behind me said
at which point the guy behind me said lady would you take your effing argument
lady would you take your effing argument
lady would you take your effing argument elsewhere so I can get in the air
elsewhere so I can get in the air
elsewhere so I can get in the air airplane I was absolutely stunned I had
airplane I was absolutely stunned I had
airplane I was absolutely stunned I had never been treated like that as a male I
never been treated like that as a male I
never been treated like that as a male I would have said I believe that’s my seat
would have said I believe that’s my seat
would have said I believe that’s my seat and the guy immediately would have
and the guy immediately would have
and the guy immediately would have looked at his boarding pass and said oh
looked at his boarding pass and said oh
looked at his boarding pass and said oh I’m sorry I know that because it
I’m sorry I know that because it
I’m sorry I know that because it happened all the time the flight
happened all the time the flight
happened all the time the flight attendant took our boarding passes she
attendant took our boarding passes she
attendant took our boarding passes she said to the guy sir you’re in 1c she is
said to the guy sir you’re in 1c she is
said to the guy sir you’re in 1c she is in 1d I put his stuff down in 1c he said
in 1d I put his stuff down in 1c he said
in 1d I put his stuff down in 1c he said not one single word and of course you
not one single word and of course you
not one single word and of course you know who was next to me in 1f mister
know who was next to me in 1f mister
know who was next to me in 1f mister would you take your effing argument
would you take your effing argument
would you take your effing argument elsewhere so my friend Karen who works
elsewhere so my friend Karen who works
elsewhere so my friend Karen who works for American came on the plane to get
for American came on the plane to get
for American came on the plane to get the pilot his paperwork she left and
the pilot his paperwork she left and
the pilot his paperwork she left and waved goodbye when I got to Charlotte
waved goodbye when I got to Charlotte
waved goodbye when I got to Charlotte she called me she said Paula what
she called me she said Paula what
she called me she said Paula what happened you were as white as a sheet I
happened you were as white as a sheet I
happened you were as white as a sheet I told her and she said yeah welcome to
told her and she said yeah welcome to
told her and she said yeah welcome to the world of women now the truth is I
the world of women now the truth is I
the world of women now the truth is I will not live long enough to lose my
will not live long enough to lose my
will not live long enough to lose my male privilege I brought it with me when
male privilege I brought it with me when
male privilege I brought it with me when I transitioned a lot of decades of being
I transitioned a lot of decades of being
I transitioned a lot of decades of being a man but that doesn’t mean I don’t see
a man but that doesn’t mean I don’t see
a man but that doesn’t mean I don’t see my power diminishing let me tell you
my power diminishing let me tell you
my power diminishing let me tell you another thing I’ve observed apparently
another thing I’ve observed apparently
another thing I’ve observed apparently since I became a female I have become
since I became a female I have become
since I became a female I have become stupid
yeah I guess it’s the loss of
yeah I guess it’s the loss of testosterone and the arrival of estrogen
testosterone and the arrival of estrogen
testosterone and the arrival of estrogen that has caused me to lose the brain
that has caused me to lose the brain
that has caused me to lose the brain cells necessary to be a fully
cells necessary to be a fully
cells necessary to be a fully functioning adult human either that or
functioning adult human either that or
functioning adult human either that or I’m as smart as I ever was it’s just now
I’m as smart as I ever was it’s just now
I’m as smart as I ever was it’s just now I’m constantly being subjected to men’s
I’m constantly being subjected to men’s
I’m constantly being subjected to men’s blaming so I was in my local Denver bike
blaming so I was in my local Denver bike
blaming so I was in my local Denver bike shop and a young summer employee said
shop and a young summer employee said
shop and a young summer employee said can I help
can I help
can I help and I said yeah can the frame of an
and I said yeah can the frame of an
and I said yeah can the frame of an older Gary Fisher mountain bike start to
older Gary Fisher mountain bike start to
older Gary Fisher mountain bike start to flex and Bend enough that it cause of
flex and Bend enough that it cause of
flex and Bend enough that it cause of the rear brake to rub
the rear brake to rub
the rear brake to rub he said well disc brakes need regular
he said well disc brakes need regular
he said well disc brakes need regular adjustments I said I know that and in
adjustments I said I know that and in
adjustments I said I know that and in fact I do my reg brake adjustments he
fact I do my reg brake adjustments he
fact I do my reg brake adjustments he said oh well then your rotors brimmed
said oh well then your rotors brimmed
said oh well then your rotors brimmed it’s bent
it’s bent
it’s bent I said yeah my rotors not bent I know a
I said yeah my rotors not bent I know a
I said yeah my rotors not bent I know a bent rotor with condescension he said
bent rotor with condescension he said
bent rotor with condescension he said well what do you want me to do I said
well what do you want me to do I said
well what do you want me to do I said you could answer my question
you could answer my question
you could answer my question at which point Kyle the manager of the
at which point Kyle the manager of the
at which point Kyle the manager of the shop stepped in he’s such a sweetheart
shop stepped in he’s such a sweetheart
shop stepped in he’s such a sweetheart he said I think you’re probably right
he said I think you’re probably right
he said I think you’re probably right let me ask you a question do you only
let me ask you a question do you only
let me ask you a question do you only get a chirp coming from that rear brake
get a chirp coming from that rear brake
get a chirp coming from that rear brake when you’re pulling hard uphill I said
when you’re pulling hard uphill I said
when you’re pulling hard uphill I said yes exactly he said yeah that’s frame
yes exactly he said yeah that’s frame
yes exactly he said yeah that’s frame fatigue I wanted to fall at the feet of
fatigue I wanted to fall at the feet of
fatigue I wanted to fall at the feet of Kyle and call him blessed someone was
Kyle and call him blessed someone was
Kyle and call him blessed someone was taking me seriously this happens all the
taking me seriously this happens all the
taking me seriously this happens all the time now I have to go 3 or 4 rounds with
time now I have to go 3 or 4 rounds with
time now I have to go 3 or 4 rounds with someone before I get a direct answer and
someone before I get a direct answer and
someone before I get a direct answer and there’s a deeper issue the more you’re
there’s a deeper issue the more you’re
there’s a deeper issue the more you’re treated as if you don’t know what you’re
treated as if you don’t know what you’re
treated as if you don’t know what you’re talking about the more you begin to
talking about the more you begin to
talking about the more you begin to question whether or not you do in fact
question whether or not you do in fact
question whether or not you do in fact know what you’re talking about
know what you’re talking about
know what you’re talking about right
right
right I understand a woman’s tendency to doubt
I understand a woman’s tendency to doubt
I understand a woman’s tendency to doubt herself had you ever notice if a woman
herself had you ever notice if a woman
herself had you ever notice if a woman is in a meeting with a group of men and
is in a meeting with a group of men and
is in a meeting with a group of men and she knows she’s right she apologizes for
she knows she’s right she apologizes for
she knows she’s right she apologizes for it she says I’m sorry but I don’t think
it she says I’m sorry but I don’t think
it she says I’m sorry but I don’t think those numbers add up you know you don’t
those numbers add up you know you don’t
those numbers add up you know you don’t have to apologize for being right since
have to apologize for being right since
have to apologize for being right since I’m new to this gender I asked my good
I’m new to this gender I asked my good
I’m new to this gender I asked my good friend Jen I said what are women looking
friend Jen I said what are women looking
friend Jen I said what are women looking for and men she said women are looking
for and men she said women are looking
for and men she said women are looking for men who will honor our uniqueness
for men who will honor our uniqueness
for men who will honor our uniqueness who realize our gifting is not lesser
who realize our gifting is not lesser
who realize our gifting is not lesser it’s not weaker it’s just different it
it’s not weaker it’s just different it
it’s not weaker it’s just different it is in fact more comprehensive and it’s
is in fact more comprehensive and it’s
is in fact more comprehensive and it’s essential no of course there are men who
essential no of course there are men who
essential no of course there are men who do honor women lots of them like my good
do honor women lots of them like my good
do honor women lots of them like my good friend and fellow pastor Mark who always
friend and fellow pastor Mark who always
friend and fellow pastor Mark who always draws out the best in me and then seems
draws out the best in me and then seems
draws out the best in me and then seems to take pleasure in watching me lead we
to take pleasure in watching me lead we
to take pleasure in watching me lead we need more men like Mark who are willing
need more men like Mark who are willing
need more men like Mark who are willing to honor and empower women I know I’m
to honor and empower women I know I’m
to honor and empower women I know I’m gonna keep bumping into additional
gonna keep bumping into additional
gonna keep bumping into additional differences on this journey but let me
differences on this journey but let me
differences on this journey but let me let me leave you with this to the women
let me leave you with this to the women
let me leave you with this to the women I offer my heartfelt thanks I often feel
I offer my heartfelt thanks I often feel
I offer my heartfelt thanks I often feel like an interloper a late arrival to the
like an interloper a late arrival to the
like an interloper a late arrival to the serious work of womanhood but you show
serious work of womanhood but you show
serious work of womanhood but you show me Grace and great mercy I want you to
me Grace and great mercy I want you to
me Grace and great mercy I want you to know you are far more capable than you
know you are far more capable than you
know you are far more capable than you realize you are more powerful than you
realize you are more powerful than you
realize you are more powerful than you know and you reflect the best parts of
know and you reflect the best parts of
know and you reflect the best parts of what it means to be fully human and –
what it means to be fully human and –
what it means to be fully human and – you guys are probably feeling more than
you guys are probably feeling more than
you guys are probably feeling more than a little bit uncomfortable right now
a little bit uncomfortable right now
a little bit uncomfortable right now I do understand I never thought I had
I do understand I never thought I had
I do understand I never thought I had privilege but I did and so do you what
privilege but I did and so do you what
privilege but I did and so do you what can you do you can believe us when we
can you do you can believe us when we
can you do you can believe us when we tell you that we might we might have
tell you that we might we might have
tell you that we might we might have equality but we do not have equity it is
equality but we do not have equity it is
equality but we do not have equity it is not a level playing field it never has
not a level playing field it never has
not a level playing field it never has been
been
been you can be a part of the solution by
you can be a part of the solution by
you can be a part of the solution by elevating us to equal footing you
elevating us to equal footing you
elevating us to equal footing you uniquely have that power and to all of
uniquely have that power and to all of
uniquely have that power and to all of us do you know who I think about a lot I
us do you know who I think about a lot I
us do you know who I think about a lot I think about my brown skinned daughter
think about my brown skinned daughter
think about my brown skinned daughter and my brown skinned daughter-in-law
and my brown skinned daughter-in-law
and my brown skinned daughter-in-law what do they know that I’m clueless
what do they know that I’m clueless
what do they know that I’m clueless about what do any of us really know
about what do any of us really know
about what do any of us really know about the shoes in which we have never
about the shoes in which we have never
about the shoes in which we have never walked it’s hard being a woman it’s hard
walked it’s hard being a woman it’s hard
walked it’s hard being a woman it’s hard being a transgender woman as a man I
being a transgender woman as a man I
being a transgender woman as a man I just didn’t know what I didn’t know
just didn’t know what I didn’t know
just didn’t know what I didn’t know would I do it all again because the call
would I do it all again because the call
would I do it all again because the call toward authenticity is sacred it’s holy
toward authenticity is sacred it’s holy
toward authenticity is sacred it’s holy it’s for the greater good for 45 years
it’s for the greater good for 45 years
it’s for the greater good for 45 years my father was a fundamentalist pastor my
my father was a fundamentalist pastor my
my father was a fundamentalist pastor my mother is even more conservative
when I came out as transgender they
when I came out as transgender they rejected me I thought I would never
rejected me I thought I would never
rejected me I thought I would never speak to them again last January I took
speak to them again last January I took
speak to them again last January I took a chance and called my dad on his
a chance and called my dad on his
a chance and called my dad on his birthday and he took my call we talked
birthday and he took my call we talked
birthday and he took my call we talked for about a half hour and about a month
for about a half hour and about a month
for about a half hour and about a month later I asked if I could come for a
later I asked if I could come for a
later I asked if I could come for a visit and they said yes and last spring
visit and they said yes and last spring
visit and they said yes and last spring I had a delightfully redemptive 3 hour
I had a delightfully redemptive 3 hour
I had a delightfully redemptive 3 hour visit with them I’ve met with him twice
visit with them I’ve met with him twice
visit with them I’ve met with him twice since but that date toward the end of
since but that date toward the end of
since but that date toward the end of the conversation that first day my
the conversation that first day my
the conversation that first day my father said a number of precious things
father said a number of precious things
father said a number of precious things as I stood to go he said
he said Paulo I don’t understand this
he said Paulo I don’t understand this but I am willing to try my father is 93
but I am willing to try my father is 93
but I am willing to try my father is 93 years old and he’s willing to try what
years old and he’s willing to try what
years old and he’s willing to try what more could I ask I hugged him so tightly
more could I ask I hugged him so tightly
more could I ask I hugged him so tightly one man willing to give up his power
one man willing to give up his power
one man willing to give up his power because he knew what he knew that he
because he knew what he knew that he
because he knew what he knew that he loved his child and he was willing to do
loved his child and he was willing to do
loved his child and he was willing to do whatever it takes to honor the journey
whatever it takes to honor the journey
whatever it takes to honor the journey of another thank you
of another thank you
of another thank you [Applause]
[Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
”
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