perhaps the elephant in the room he’s getting hard to ignore at least for me
getting hard to ignore at least for me
getting hard to ignore at least for me it is we all have an elephant and we
it is we all have an elephant and we
it is we all have an elephant and we take it with us into new places when we
take it with us into new places when we
take it with us into new places when we meet new people and transitions in our
meet new people and transitions in our
meet new people and transitions in our lives an elephant is what makes us
lives an elephant is what makes us
lives an elephant is what makes us different from one another we all have
different from one another we all have
different from one another we all have an elephant and mine is that I’m gay so
an elephant and mine is that I’m gay so
an elephant and mine is that I’m gay so let me start by saying I invite you to
let me start by saying I invite you to
let me start by saying I invite you to be present today and by present
be present today and by present
be present today and by present I mean vulnerable and ready to face
I mean vulnerable and ready to face
I mean vulnerable and ready to face yourself in a mirror and perhaps feel a
yourself in a mirror and perhaps feel a
yourself in a mirror and perhaps feel a little shame a little guilt and a little
little shame a little guilt and a little
little shame a little guilt and a little regret looking into your past but with
regret looking into your past but with
regret looking into your past but with that said don’t be afraid I am here with
that said don’t be afraid I am here with
that said don’t be afraid I am here with you so let’s back up what were your
you so let’s back up what were your
you so let’s back up what were your thoughts about me when I first came out
thoughts about me when I first came out
thoughts about me when I first came out here to do my talk what are your
here to do my talk what are your
here to do my talk what are your thoughts about me now a minute or two in
thoughts about me now a minute or two in
thoughts about me now a minute or two in did you have a thought of another
did you have a thought of another
did you have a thought of another lesbian trying to help us accept it or
lesbian trying to help us accept it or
lesbian trying to help us accept it or maybe I’m not gay and I don’t really
maybe I’m not gay and I don’t really
maybe I’m not gay and I don’t really know anyone that’s gay what could I
know anyone that’s gay what could I
know anyone that’s gay what could I learn here or maybe you thought I don’t
learn here or maybe you thought I don’t
learn here or maybe you thought I don’t judge anyone for being different not
judge anyone for being different not
judge anyone for being different not sure what I’ll get out of this one the
sure what I’ll get out of this one the
sure what I’ll get out of this one the point of my talk today was not to out
point of my talk today was not to out
point of my talk today was not to out myself to hundreds of people but rather
myself to hundreds of people but rather
myself to hundreds of people but rather to introduce awareness in personal
to introduce awareness in personal
to introduce awareness in personal reactions when someone different from us
reactions when someone different from us
reactions when someone different from us walks into our space and in order for us
walks into our space and in order for us
walks into our space and in order for us to address this topic we must decide
to address this topic we must decide
to address this topic we must decide whether that reaction is a bias or a
whether that reaction is a bias or a
whether that reaction is a bias or a fear so what was it for you when I first
fear so what was it for you when I first
fear so what was it for you when I first said the word gay did you form a quick
said the word gay did you form a quick
said the word gay did you form a quick opinion based on prior experience and
opinion based on prior experience and
opinion based on prior experience and then form a judgment of me or did you
then form a judgment of me or did you
then form a judgment of me or did you get scared because you didn’t know this
get scared because you didn’t know this
get scared because you didn’t know this term was gonna be discussed a discuss
term was gonna be discussed a discuss
term was gonna be discussed a discuss today to start the vulnerable space for
today to start the vulnerable space for
today to start the vulnerable space for me to say those two words out loud in
me to say those two words out loud in
me to say those two words out loud in some contexts and environments is very
some contexts and environments is very
some contexts and environments is very difficult in fact today it was very
difficult in fact today it was very
difficult in fact today it was very difficult to say and truth is whether a
difficult to say and truth is whether a
difficult to say and truth is whether a bias or a fear both are
bias or a fear both are
bias or a fear both are to hide upon initial reaction now when I
to hide upon initial reaction now when I
to hide upon initial reaction now when I say initial reaction I mean what is your
say initial reaction I mean what is your
say initial reaction I mean what is your response verbally what is your response
response verbally what is your response
response verbally what is your response non-verbally what is your facial
non-verbally what is your facial
non-verbally what is your facial expression for train brené Brown a
expression for train brené Brown a
expression for train brené Brown a writer a scholar and a public speaker
writer a scholar and a public speaker
writer a scholar and a public speaker discusses in numerous forums that human
discusses in numerous forums that human
discusses in numerous forums that human connection is what we seek that feeling
connection is what we seek that feeling
connection is what we seek that feeling of telling your story and having someone
of telling your story and having someone
of telling your story and having someone genuinely listen to you is vital to our
genuinely listen to you is vital to our
genuinely listen to you is vital to our emotional regulation to feel normalized
emotional regulation to feel normalized
emotional regulation to feel normalized and to feel OK in our own skin
and to feel OK in our own skin
and to feel OK in our own skin she says that disconnect creates or
she says that disconnect creates or
she says that disconnect creates or equates shame shame is what we feel when
equates shame shame is what we feel when
equates shame shame is what we feel when we feel poorly about ourselves
we feel poorly about ourselves
we feel poorly about ourselves shame is where the loneliness lies so
shame is where the loneliness lies so
shame is where the loneliness lies so let us all go back to a time when we
let us all go back to a time when we
let us all go back to a time when we portrayed our elephant to someone and
portrayed our elephant to someone and
portrayed our elephant to someone and they gave us a cringe and judgment
they gave us a cringe and judgment
they gave us a cringe and judgment rather than a smile and understanding
now I apologize for making you go back
now I apologize for making you go back to such a moment but sometimes our past
to such a moment but sometimes our past
to such a moment but sometimes our past emotions are our greatest tools moving
emotions are our greatest tools moving
emotions are our greatest tools moving forward into the next interaction with
forward into the next interaction with
forward into the next interaction with someone knowing a little bit more about
someone knowing a little bit more about
someone knowing a little bit more about ourselves and of others most of the time
ourselves and of others most of the time
ourselves and of others most of the time our initial reactions come from our
our initial reactions come from our
our initial reactions come from our family and friends first and we as human
family and friends first and we as human
family and friends first and we as human beings then internalize those reactions
beings then internalize those reactions
beings then internalize those reactions and they can make us think or do the
and they can make us think or do the
and they can make us think or do the most unthinkable things or behaviors it
most unthinkable things or behaviors it
most unthinkable things or behaviors it can even make us take our own lives
suicide is the second leading cause of
suicide is the second leading cause of death and youth 10 to 24 years old even
death and youth 10 to 24 years old even
death and youth 10 to 24 years old even further that number increases four times
further that number increases four times
further that number increases four times in LGB youth that number increases two
in LGB youth that number increases two
in LGB youth that number increases two times in LGB youth that are questioning
times in LGB youth that are questioning
times in LGB youth that are questioning of that of straight youth four times
of that of straight youth four times
of that of straight youth four times greater two times greater and like I
greater two times greater and like I
greater two times greater and like I said family and friends are our first
said family and friends are our first
said family and friends are our first reactors so listen to this one LGB youth
reactors so listen to this one LGB youth
reactors so listen to this one LGB youth that come from highly rejecting families
that come from highly rejecting families
that come from highly rejecting families are 8.4 times more likely to attempt
are 8.4 times more likely to attempt
are 8.4 times more likely to attempt suicide than LGB youth that come from no
suicide than LGB youth that come from no
suicide than LGB youth that come from no or low rejection to think that if our
or low rejection to think that if our
or low rejection to think that if our initial reaction could lower these
initial reaction could lower these
initial reaction could lower these numbers to think that if somebody walked
numbers to think that if somebody walked
numbers to think that if somebody walked into my space said hey Lindsay
into my space said hey Lindsay
into my space said hey Lindsay what’s up and they say I really need to
what’s up and they say I really need to
what’s up and they say I really need to tell you something here I need to bring
tell you something here I need to bring
tell you something here I need to bring my elephant into the room and they say
my elephant into the room and they say
my elephant into the room and they say okay
okay
okay and they say I’m blind I’m deaf I’m gay
and they say I’m blind I’m deaf I’m gay
and they say I’m blind I’m deaf I’m gay I was sexually abused I have 35 tattoos
I was sexually abused I have 35 tattoos
I was sexually abused I have 35 tattoos under these clothes that no one will
under these clothes that no one will
under these clothes that no one will ever see I participate in the Special
ever see I participate in the Special
ever see I participate in the Special Olympics I have two choices in that
Olympics I have two choices in that
Olympics I have two choices in that moment one to bring in my bias and my
moment one to bring in my bias and my
moment one to bring in my bias and my fear and to clearly show that in my
fear and to clearly show that in my
fear and to clearly show that in my reaction or to which is to say thank you
reaction or to which is to say thank you
reaction or to which is to say thank you for being vulnerable in this space I may
for being vulnerable in this space I may
for being vulnerable in this space I may not understand this and I may never know
not understand this and I may never know
not understand this and I may never know how you feel but it’s gonna be okay
how you feel but it’s gonna be okay
how you feel but it’s gonna be okay because I’m right here with you just
because I’m right here with you just
because I’m right here with you just like I said to the audience earlier in
like I said to the audience earlier in
like I said to the audience earlier in my talk when I said to feel a little
my talk when I said to feel a little
my talk when I said to feel a little shame guilt and regret those are my two
shame guilt and regret those are my two
shame guilt and regret those are my two choices as all I would need to say it
choices as all I would need to say it
choices as all I would need to say it doesn’t get any harder than that but
doesn’t get any harder than that but
doesn’t get any harder than that but Lindsey what if they bring in their bias
Lindsey what if they bring in their bias
Lindsey what if they bring in their bias and their fear first I mean like what if
and their fear first I mean like what if
and their fear first I mean like what if they judge you first
they judge you first
they judge you first while audience great question I didn’t
while audience great question I didn’t
while audience great question I didn’t know you guys could ask questions today
know you guys could ask questions today
know you guys could ask questions today I would say address it call it out for
I would say address it call it out for
I would say address it call it out for what it is you might be bringing a
what it is you might be bringing a
what it is you might be bringing a little fear here you might be judging me
little fear here you might be judging me
little fear here you might be judging me a little bit here and that’s okay this
a little bit here and that’s okay this
a little bit here and that’s okay this is all new and we’re gonna go on this
is all new and we’re gonna go on this
is all new and we’re gonna go on this journey together
journey together
journey together I had a variety of initial reactions
I had a variety of initial reactions
I had a variety of initial reactions when I first spoke about my elephant as
when I first spoke about my elephant as
when I first spoke about my elephant as I struggled to get the two words out of
I struggled to get the two words out of
I struggled to get the two words out of my mouth she began to cry and she said
my mouth she began to cry and she said
my mouth she began to cry and she said are you ever gonna bring your partner
are you ever gonna bring your partner
are you ever gonna bring your partner home are you ever gonna bring your
home are you ever gonna bring your
home are you ever gonna bring your children home please don’t let them
children home please don’t let them
children home please don’t let them judge you please please don’t look like
judge you please please don’t look like
judge you please please don’t look like listen to what they’re gonna say okay
listen to what they’re gonna say okay
listen to what they’re gonna say okay another reaction what are they gonna say
another reaction what are they gonna say
another reaction what are they gonna say what are they gonna think did I do
what are they gonna think did I do
what are they gonna think did I do something wrong here another reaction
something wrong here another reaction
something wrong here another reaction okay cool
okay cool
okay cool I thought you’re gonna tell me something
I thought you’re gonna tell me something
I thought you’re gonna tell me something 10 times 4 7 1/2 how can it great
another reaction why didn’t you tell me
another reaction why didn’t you tell me sooner
sooner
sooner I can’t imagine that was easy to live
I can’t imagine that was easy to live
I can’t imagine that was easy to live with and the worst one I ever received
with and the worst one I ever received
with and the worst one I ever received was I don’t agree with this so we can no
was I don’t agree with this so we can no
was I don’t agree with this so we can no longer be friends those individuals had
longer be friends those individuals had
longer be friends those individuals had two choices to bring in their bias and
two choices to bring in their bias and
two choices to bring in their bias and their fear and to clearly show that in
their fear and to clearly show that in
their fear and to clearly show that in the reaction or two I may not understand
the reaction or two I may not understand
the reaction or two I may not understand this and I may not know how you feel but
this and I may not know how you feel but
this and I may not know how you feel but it’s gonna be okay Linds the fact that
it’s gonna be okay Linds the fact that
it’s gonna be okay Linds the fact that I’m not up in that four time statistic
I’m not up in that four time statistic
I’m not up in that four time statistic the fact that I’m able to stand here and
the fact that I’m able to stand here and
the fact that I’m able to stand here and talk to you about reactions today makes
talk to you about reactions today makes
talk to you about reactions today makes me feel grateful every single day and
me feel grateful every single day and
me feel grateful every single day and it’s hard sometimes and like I said in
it’s hard sometimes and like I said in
it’s hard sometimes and like I said in some contexts and environments I cannot
some contexts and environments I cannot
some contexts and environments I cannot even get those two words out of my mouth
even get those two words out of my mouth
even get those two words out of my mouth and for a long time I literally and
and for a long time I literally and
and for a long time I literally and figuratively ran from them I can still
figuratively ran from them I can still
figuratively ran from them I can still feel the shame I can still feel the
feel the shame I can still feel the
feel the shame I can still feel the loneliness I can still feel the idea
loneliness I can still feel the idea
loneliness I can still feel the idea that nobody else in the world could
that nobody else in the world could
that nobody else in the world could possibly understand how this feels and
possibly understand how this feels and
possibly understand how this feels and to get rid of those emotions I coached I
to get rid of those emotions I coached I
to get rid of those emotions I coached I played basketball I drank I smoked I
played basketball I drank I smoked I
played basketball I drank I smoked I haven’t I did whatever I could to run
haven’t I did whatever I could to run
haven’t I did whatever I could to run away from those emotions but then I
away from those emotions but then I
away from those emotions but then I landed my dream job and my dream job
landed my dream job and my dream job
landed my dream job and my dream job incorporated 18 to 24 year olds speaking
incorporated 18 to 24 year olds speaking
incorporated 18 to 24 year olds speaking about their elephant every single day
about their elephant every single day
about their elephant every single day and even further I was gonna be their
and even further I was gonna be their
and even further I was gonna be their first reaction and I knew that if I was
first reaction and I knew that if I was
first reaction and I knew that if I was going to be the best reactor for them I
going to be the best reactor for them I
going to be the best reactor for them I needed to go back to my emotions I need
needed to go back to my emotions I need
needed to go back to my emotions I need to figure out what triggered them and I
to figure out what triggered them and I
to figure out what triggered them and I needed to begin to heal from them so
needed to begin to heal from them so
needed to begin to heal from them so that leads me to this how do we create
that leads me to this how do we create
that leads me to this how do we create this environment can we create an
this environment can we create an
this environment can we create an environment that is completely without
environment that is completely without
environment that is completely without bias or fear in my opinion absolutely
bias or fear in my opinion absolutely
bias or fear in my opinion absolutely not but we can create a space without
not but we can create a space without
not but we can create a space without judgment and it starts by us knowing
judgment and it starts by us knowing
judgment and it starts by us knowing ourselves and what we need when I
ourselves and what we need when I
ourselves and what we need when I portray my elephant how do I want
portray my elephant how do I want
portray my elephant how do I want someone to respond and even though I
someone to respond and even though I
someone to respond and even though I don’t know what it feels like to live
don’t know what it feels like to live
don’t know what it feels like to live with someone else’s elephant we all have
with someone else’s elephant we all have
with someone else’s elephant we all have one thing in common remember
one thing in common remember
one thing in common remember we all want to feel connected human
we all want to feel connected human
we all want to feel connected human connection is where we can start
connection is where we can start
connection is where we can start language is key if you do not know
language is key if you do not know
language is key if you do not know whether to call your friends partner a
whether to call your friends partner a
whether to call your friends partner a boyfriend or girlfriend then ask if you
boyfriend or girlfriend then ask if you
boyfriend or girlfriend then ask if you do not know whether to say person with
do not know whether to say person with
do not know whether to say person with disability disabled athlete or
disability disabled athlete or
disability disabled athlete or disability then ask be careful when you
disability then ask be careful when you
disability then ask be careful when you say to a growing boy or girl you’re
say to a growing boy or girl you’re
say to a growing boy or girl you’re gonna marry her
gonna marry her
gonna marry her or him create a space where love is love
or him create a space where love is love
or him create a space where love is love if you’re a parent a mentor a coach a
if you’re a parent a mentor a coach a
if you’re a parent a mentor a coach a human being in general that has not
human being in general that has not
human being in general that has not thought about how you’re gonna react to
thought about how you’re gonna react to
thought about how you’re gonna react to someone else is elephant I encourage you
someone else is elephant I encourage you
someone else is elephant I encourage you to do so
to do so
to do so your reaction is key to lowering these
your reaction is key to lowering these
your reaction is key to lowering these statistics create a space where anybody
statistics create a space where anybody
statistics create a space where anybody in the world anybody that looks
in the world anybody that looks
in the world anybody that looks different that speaks different that has
different that speaks different that has
different that speaks different that has a dark past that is making poor present
a dark past that is making poor present
a dark past that is making poor present choices anybody in the world can be
choices anybody in the world can be
choices anybody in the world can be themselves in front of you you can say
themselves in front of you you can say
themselves in front of you you can say what you need here you have no limits
what you need here you have no limits
what you need here you have no limits here trust without question now I’m not
here trust without question now I’m not
here trust without question now I’m not saying that having a bias or a fear is
saying that having a bias or a fear is
saying that having a bias or a fear is wrong but what I am saying is that we
wrong but what I am saying is that we
wrong but what I am saying is that we need to start leaning into that bias in
need to start leaning into that bias in
need to start leaning into that bias in that fear we need to figure out why it’s
that fear we need to figure out why it’s
that fear we need to figure out why it’s there in the first place so that we can
there in the first place so that we can
there in the first place so that we can go into the next interaction with a
go into the next interaction with a
go into the next interaction with a better understanding of what we need and
better understanding of what we need and
better understanding of what we need and what others need from us don’t have
what others need from us don’t have
what others need from us don’t have limits to your love I love you but now
limits to your love I love you but now
limits to your love I love you but now that I know you’re gay please don’t
that I know you’re gay please don’t
that I know you’re gay please don’t dress like what do you call those those
dress like what do you call those those
dress like what do you call those those those butch ladies I love you but don’t
those butch ladies I love you but don’t
those butch ladies I love you but don’t tell your grandparents you know how they
tell your grandparents you know how they
tell your grandparents you know how they are I love you but don’t bring your
are I love you but don’t bring your
are I love you but don’t bring your partner home okay just say I love you
partner home okay just say I love you
partner home okay just say I love you because that person with their elephant
because that person with their elephant
because that person with their elephant in hand is just as scared as you may be
in hand is just as scared as you may be
in hand is just as scared as you may be and you may not know what it feels like
and you may not know what it feels like
and you may not know what it feels like to live with that other person’s
to live with that other person’s
to live with that other person’s elephant but what you do know is fear
elephant but what you do know is fear
elephant but what you do know is fear because we are all scared of something
because we are all scared of something
because we are all scared of something we are scared of our elephant being
we are scared of our elephant being
we are scared of our elephant being portrayed out into this world and in
portrayed out into this world and in
portrayed out into this world and in order for us to be able to sit in the
order for us to be able to sit in the
order for us to be able to sit in the same space with someone that is
same space with someone that is
same space with someone that is different from us
different from us
different from us we must fear forward we must love our
we must fear forward we must love our
we must fear forward we must love our own elephants and we must love without
own elephants and we must love without
own elephants and we must love without condition because people are scared but
condition because people are scared but
condition because people are scared but with fear comes some wonderful beautiful
with fear comes some wonderful beautiful
with fear comes some wonderful beautiful awesome human connection that can
awesome human connection that can
awesome human connection that can decrease our shame decrease our guilt
decrease our shame decrease our guilt
decrease our shame decrease our guilt and decrease these numbers we continue
and decrease these numbers we continue
and decrease these numbers we continue to hear rising in our youth I’m not up
to hear rising in our youth I’m not up
to hear rising in our youth I’m not up here talking about practicing diversity
here talking about practicing diversity
here talking about practicing diversity or acceptance I’m up here talking about
or acceptance I’m up here talking about
or acceptance I’m up here talking about practicing human being a human being
practicing human being a human being
practicing human being a human being with one another so I challenge you to
with one another so I challenge you to
with one another so I challenge you to love your elephant and to be the person
love your elephant and to be the person
love your elephant and to be the person that responds to someone else’s elephant
that responds to someone else’s elephant
that responds to someone else’s elephant with love without condition thank you
with love without condition thank you
with love without condition thank you [Applause]
”
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