the worst thing they can say to you is that everything seems fine you look ok I
that everything seems fine you look ok I
that everything seems fine you look ok I know I’m strong enough to curve a smile
know I’m strong enough to curve a smile
know I’m strong enough to curve a smile I’m strong enough to keep rising every
I’m strong enough to keep rising every
I’m strong enough to keep rising every single day the therapist would teach me
single day the therapist would teach me
single day the therapist would teach me breathing exercises they tell me to
breathing exercises they tell me to
breathing exercises they tell me to inhale and hold my air but how do I
inhale and hold my air but how do I
inhale and hold my air but how do I explain to them that I’m so full of
explain to them that I’m so full of
explain to them that I’m so full of black holes that I can’t hold anything
black holes that I can’t hold anything
black holes that I can’t hold anything in the citalopram would make me fuzzy
in the citalopram would make me fuzzy
in the citalopram would make me fuzzy and the prozac would rouse me out they
and the prozac would rouse me out they
and the prozac would rouse me out they said take long walks sure I thought had
said take long walks sure I thought had
said take long walks sure I thought had taken long walks on the beach right into
taken long walks on the beach right into
taken long walks on the beach right into the ocean I know it was selfish but
the ocean I know it was selfish but
the ocean I know it was selfish but sometimes it felt so lonely feeling
sometimes it felt so lonely feeling
sometimes it felt so lonely feeling worthless by myself that I wanted
worthless by myself that I wanted
worthless by myself that I wanted someone to sit in those black holes with
someone to sit in those black holes with
someone to sit in those black holes with me
me
me but even still there was always a
but even still there was always a
but even still there was always a language barrier when I would try to
language barrier when I would try to
language barrier when I would try to tell them how I felt when I would try to
tell them how I felt when I would try to
tell them how I felt when I would try to tell them that sometimes I want to die
tell them that sometimes I want to die
tell them that sometimes I want to die that word that lingers itself on the tip
that word that lingers itself on the tip
that word that lingers itself on the tip of my tongue and for me to even say it
of my tongue and for me to even say it
of my tongue and for me to even say it makes me look like I’m looking for
makes me look like I’m looking for
makes me look like I’m looking for attention suicide that glowing exit sign
attention suicide that glowing exit sign
attention suicide that glowing exit sign that keeps flickering in the edge of my
that keeps flickering in the edge of my
that keeps flickering in the edge of my eye but thank God I never left and thank
eye but thank God I never left and thank
eye but thank God I never left and thank God I never chose that door because soon
God I never chose that door because soon
God I never chose that door because soon I would see the future and the future
I would see the future and the future
I would see the future and the future was the map and the treasure I had been
was the map and the treasure I had been
was the map and the treasure I had been searching for the future was my gravity
searching for the future was my gravity
searching for the future was my gravity I saw the future and I was alive again
today I would like to explore my
today I would like to explore my experience and that of so many other
experience and that of so many other
experience and that of so many other South Asian women of mental health
South Asian women of mental health
South Asian women of mental health stigma and self-confidence issues we are
stigma and self-confidence issues we are
stigma and self-confidence issues we are a society that has told ourselves that
a society that has told ourselves that
a society that has told ourselves that is not OK not
is not OK not
is not OK not to be okay and rather than working on
to be okay and rather than working on
to be okay and rather than working on our own inner self confidence we are a
our own inner self confidence we are a
our own inner self confidence we are a society that has learned how to bottle
society that has learned how to bottle
society that has learned how to bottle ourselves in we equate strength with
ourselves in we equate strength with
ourselves in we equate strength with silence but what I’m here to show you
silence but what I’m here to show you
silence but what I’m here to show you today is that it’s okay to be vulnerable
today is that it’s okay to be vulnerable
today is that it’s okay to be vulnerable and it’s okay to talk about our emotions
and it’s okay to talk about our emotions
and it’s okay to talk about our emotions and how we feel and essentially how
and how we feel and essentially how
and how we feel and essentially how powerful that can make you through my
powerful that can make you through my
powerful that can make you through my life journey so far I’ve seen that true
life journey so far I’ve seen that true
life journey so far I’ve seen that true bravery in true self confidence lies
bravery in true self confidence lies
bravery in true self confidence lies within sharing our stories with one
within sharing our stories with one
within sharing our stories with one another and if we do that we can remove
another and if we do that we can remove
another and if we do that we can remove the stigma around issues that sometimes
the stigma around issues that sometimes
the stigma around issues that sometimes we don’t want to talk about the way of
we don’t want to talk about the way of
we don’t want to talk about the way of sharing my story is through my spoken
sharing my story is through my spoken
sharing my story is through my spoken where poetry as you’ve just heard and
where poetry as you’ve just heard and
where poetry as you’ve just heard and I’ll tell you a little bit more about
I’ll tell you a little bit more about
I’ll tell you a little bit more about how I’ve got about doing that in a
how I’ve got about doing that in a
how I’ve got about doing that in a little bit I grew up in a very
little bit I grew up in a very
little bit I grew up in a very traditional Indian family and I grew up
traditional Indian family and I grew up
traditional Indian family and I grew up listening to very negative labels being
listening to very negative labels being
listening to very negative labels being given to people suffering from mental
given to people suffering from mental
given to people suffering from mental health issues and because of those
health issues and because of those
health issues and because of those negative labels and that stigma attached
negative labels and that stigma attached
negative labels and that stigma attached to it I remains very closed off about
to it I remains very closed off about
to it I remains very closed off about things that I was going through I would
things that I was going through I would
things that I was going through I would hear negative labels like those people
hear negative labels like those people
hear negative labels like those people have bad gut ‘im which means bad luck or
have bad gut ‘im which means bad luck or
have bad gut ‘im which means bad luck or bad omen placed on them I would also
bad omen placed on them I would also
bad omen placed on them I would also hear all those people would never get
hear all those people would never get
hear all those people would never get married and they bring a shame on the
married and they bring a shame on the
married and they bring a shame on the family and because of all those negative
family and because of all those negative
family and because of all those negative labels I just stayed in silence I was
labels I just stayed in silence I was
labels I just stayed in silence I was told never to talk about what I was
told never to talk about what I was
told never to talk about what I was going through never to be too confident
going through never to be too confident
going through never to be too confident and as a woman and as a brown woman I
and as a woman and as a brown woman I
and as a woman and as a brown woman I should be seen and not heard so I had to
should be seen and not heard so I had to
should be seen and not heard so I had to find another outlet so at the age of 13
find another outlet so at the age of 13
find another outlet so at the age of 13 I started writing poetry and I started
I started writing poetry and I started
I started writing poetry and I started turning all that chaos in my mind into
turning all that chaos in my mind into
turning all that chaos in my mind into something beautiful it was the only
something beautiful it was the only
something beautiful it was the only therapy I
therapy I
therapy I that now creative self-expression is not
that now creative self-expression is not
that now creative self-expression is not only an excellent way of building our
only an excellent way of building our
only an excellent way of building our own self-esteem and self-confidence it
own self-esteem and self-confidence it
own self-esteem and self-confidence it can actually be a way to self-heal
can actually be a way to self-heal
can actually be a way to self-heal self-help and in my case can even save
self-help and in my case can even save
self-help and in my case can even save lives in a research report conducted by
lives in a research report conducted by
lives in a research report conducted by the arts health and well-being
the arts health and well-being
the arts health and well-being foundation they found that poetry and
foundation they found that poetry and
foundation they found that poetry and poetic therapy being used for people
poetic therapy being used for people
poetic therapy being used for people suffering from depression could save the
suffering from depression could save the
suffering from depression could save the NHS two hundred thousand pounds a year
NHS two hundred thousand pounds a year
NHS two hundred thousand pounds a year seventy five percent of the people in
seventy five percent of the people in
seventy five percent of the people in their research sample said that by
their research sample said that by
their research sample said that by writing poetry they were able to find a
writing poetry they were able to find a
writing poetry they were able to find a positive way of releasing their emotions
positive way of releasing their emotions
positive way of releasing their emotions and two thirds of the research sample
and two thirds of the research sample
and two thirds of the research sample also said that by listening to writing
also said that by listening to writing
also said that by listening to writing and reading poetry it made them feel
and reading poetry it made them feel
and reading poetry it made them feel much more calm and much more relaxed and
much more calm and much more relaxed and
much more calm and much more relaxed and that just shows you the power that self
that just shows you the power that self
that just shows you the power that self creative expression can have in George
creative expression can have in George
creative expression can have in George Orwell’s work why I write written back
Orwell’s work why I write written back
Orwell’s work why I write written back in 1946 he suggested that we as humans
in 1946 he suggested that we as humans
in 1946 he suggested that we as humans have four main reasons for why we decide
have four main reasons for why we decide
have four main reasons for why we decide to write the first reason he suggests is
to write the first reason he suggests is
to write the first reason he suggests is sheer egoism and this is the idea is
sheer egoism and this is the idea is
sheer egoism and this is the idea is that we as writers love to be talked
that we as writers love to be talked
that we as writers love to be talked about we want to be remembered and we
about we want to be remembered and we
about we want to be remembered and we want to be remembered after our death
want to be remembered after our death
want to be remembered after our death the second reason is aesthetic
the second reason is aesthetic
the second reason is aesthetic enthusiasm and this is the idea that we
enthusiasm and this is the idea that we
enthusiasm and this is the idea that we as writers want our work to seem
as writers want our work to seem
as writers want our work to seem beautiful and we want to portray that
beautiful and we want to portray that
beautiful and we want to portray that beauty in our writing on the page the
beauty in our writing on the page the
beauty in our writing on the page the third is historical impulse and this is
third is historical impulse and this is
third is historical impulse and this is the need for us to find true facts and
the need for us to find true facts and
the need for us to find true facts and portray them in our work and finally his
portray them in our work and finally his
portray them in our work and finally his fourth reason is political purpose and
fourth reason is political purpose and
fourth reason is political purpose and he says that no writer is really free
he says that no writer is really free
he says that no writer is really free from political bias and that all of us
from political bias and that all of us
from political bias and that all of us actually want to sway our readers or
actually want to sway our readers or
actually want to sway our readers or audience in a certain direction and as
audience in a certain direction and as
audience in a certain direction and as much as I agree with oils theory I think
much as I agree with oils theory I think
much as I agree with oils theory I think I want to add a fifth reason and that
I want to add a fifth reason and that
I want to add a fifth reason and that would be to save ourselves this idea
would be to save ourselves this idea
would be to save ourselves this idea that writing can be used as a way to
that writing can be used as a way to
that writing can be used as a way to self-help to self-heal and by doing that
self-help to self-heal and by doing that
self-help to self-heal and by doing that and sharing our stories we can also help
and sharing our stories we can also help
and sharing our stories we can also help others too there’s a quote by Anne Frank
others too there’s a quote by Anne Frank
others too there’s a quote by Anne Frank that I think really sums up this idea
that I think really sums up this idea
that I think really sums up this idea and she said that I can shake off
and she said that I can shake off
and she said that I can shake off everything as I write my sorrows
everything as I write my sorrows
everything as I write my sorrows disappear and my courage is reborn and
disappear and my courage is reborn and
disappear and my courage is reborn and that alone just shows you how powerful
that alone just shows you how powerful
that alone just shows you how powerful writing and releasing can be as well as
writing and releasing can be as well as
writing and releasing can be as well as being a spoken word artist I am actually
being a spoken word artist I am actually
being a spoken word artist I am actually a history teacher at a school here in
a history teacher at a school here in
a history teacher at a school here in central London and one of the most
central London and one of the most
central London and one of the most effective tools in teaching that I have
effective tools in teaching that I have
effective tools in teaching that I have used so far if something called
used so far if something called
used so far if something called think-pair-share
think-pair-share
think-pair-share now there might be some teachers in the
now there might be some teachers in the
now there might be some teachers in the audience they might recognize what this
audience they might recognize what this
audience they might recognize what this method is now think-pair-share
method is now think-pair-share
method is now think-pair-share is essentially when you pose a question
is essentially when you pose a question
is essentially when you pose a question or a issue to your students into the
or a issue to your students into the
or a issue to your students into the class they’re given some time to think
class they’re given some time to think
class they’re given some time to think about it they then get to work in pairs
about it they then get to work in pairs
about it they then get to work in pairs and discuss their ideas and they then
and discuss their ideas and they then
and discuss their ideas and they then get to share those thoughts and ideas
get to share those thoughts and ideas
get to share those thoughts and ideas with the rest of the class
with the rest of the class
with the rest of the class hence whiteboard think-pair-share and
hence whiteboard think-pair-share and
hence whiteboard think-pair-share and now not only does think-pair-share
now not only does think-pair-share
now not only does think-pair-share really allow the students to work on
really allow the students to work on
really allow the students to work on their self-esteem and self-confidence it
their self-esteem and self-confidence it
their self-esteem and self-confidence it also allows them to take ownership of
also allows them to take ownership of
also allows them to take ownership of their thoughts and elaborate their ideas
their thoughts and elaborate their ideas
their thoughts and elaborate their ideas through talk and it also allows them to
through talk and it also allows them to
through talk and it also allows them to listen to others and understand other
listen to others and understand other
listen to others and understand other people’s thoughts as well now in the
people’s thoughts as well now in the
people’s thoughts as well now in the last two years of teaching I’ve found
last two years of teaching I’ve found
last two years of teaching I’ve found that this has been one of the most
that this has been one of the most
that this has been one of the most effective tools that I have used but
effective tools that I have used but
effective tools that I have used but recently I’ve been thinking about why
recently I’ve been thinking about why
recently I’ve been thinking about why can’t we use this more in real life why
can’t we use this more in real life why
can’t we use this more in real life why can’t we think
can’t we think
can’t we think air share more imagine if we did imagine
air share more imagine if we did imagine
air share more imagine if we did imagine the amount of mental health stigma we
the amount of mental health stigma we
the amount of mental health stigma we might be able to remove because of it
might be able to remove because of it
might be able to remove because of it now I just want to take us a little bit
now I just want to take us a little bit
now I just want to take us a little bit back to my own story I’ve been suffering
back to my own story I’ve been suffering
back to my own story I’ve been suffering from anxiety attacks and depression
from anxiety attacks and depression
from anxiety attacks and depression since about the age of 13 and at that
since about the age of 13 and at that
since about the age of 13 and at that point I had no idea what I was going
point I had no idea what I was going
point I had no idea what I was going through I had no idea what an anxiety
through I had no idea what an anxiety
through I had no idea what an anxiety attack was and I had no idea what
attack was and I had no idea what
attack was and I had no idea what depression felt like but I was so scared
depression felt like but I was so scared
depression felt like but I was so scared to talk to any of my friends about it or
to talk to any of my friends about it or
to talk to any of my friends about it or to my family about it because I was
to my family about it because I was
to my family about it because I was afraid of what they might say this
afraid of what they might say this
afraid of what they might say this continued to get worse through my
continued to get worse through my
continued to get worse through my teenage years and at the age of 18 when
teenage years and at the age of 18 when
teenage years and at the age of 18 when I started University I then fell into an
I started University I then fell into an
I started University I then fell into an even deeper and darker period of
even deeper and darker period of
even deeper and darker period of depression and this is when I remember
depression and this is when I remember
depression and this is when I remember my self-confidence being is all-time
my self-confidence being is all-time
my self-confidence being is all-time lowest I remember I wouldn’t even look
lowest I remember I wouldn’t even look
lowest I remember I wouldn’t even look in the mirror how I so disgusted by my
in the mirror how I so disgusted by my
in the mirror how I so disgusted by my own body I would never make eye contact
own body I would never make eye contact
own body I would never make eye contact with people I remember it’s the walk
with people I remember it’s the walk
with people I remember it’s the walk outside on the street staring down at
outside on the street staring down at
outside on the street staring down at the pavement so that I wouldn’t have to
the pavement so that I wouldn’t have to
the pavement so that I wouldn’t have to look at anybody those days that I
look at anybody those days that I
look at anybody those days that I wouldn’t get out of my bed let alone
wouldn’t get out of my bed let alone
wouldn’t get out of my bed let alone leave my house and after two years of
leave my house and after two years of
leave my house and after two years of feeling those emotions
feeling those emotions
feeling those emotions I then contemplated suicide and it was
I then contemplated suicide and it was
I then contemplated suicide and it was at that point that I realized I needed
at that point that I realized I needed
at that point that I realized I needed to look for more help and I approached a
to look for more help and I approached a
to look for more help and I approached a counseling service at my University and
counseling service at my University and
counseling service at my University and they recommended that I better go speak
they recommended that I better go speak
they recommended that I better go speak to my GP but that’s something I was so
to my GP but that’s something I was so
to my GP but that’s something I was so afraid of doing because it was my family
afraid of doing because it was my family
afraid of doing because it was my family GP and I was scared that they pass on
GP and I was scared that they pass on
GP and I was scared that they pass on all my information to my family and to
all my information to my family and to
all my information to my family and to my community and I was so terrified of
my community and I was so terrified of
my community and I was so terrified of what they might say so finally I plucked
what they might say so finally I plucked
what they might say so finally I plucked the cup plucked up the courage to speak
the cup plucked up the courage to speak
the cup plucked up the courage to speak to a different GP at my practice and she
to a different GP at my practice and she
to a different GP at my practice and she absolutely changed my life she
absolutely changed my life she
absolutely changed my life she encouraged me to continue writing my
encouraged me to continue writing my
encouraged me to continue writing my approach because if I hadn’t been doing
approach because if I hadn’t been doing
approach because if I hadn’t been doing that by that point I don’t know what I
that by that point I don’t know what I
that by that point I don’t know what I would have done
would have done
would have done she also recommended that was starts and
she also recommended that was starts and
she also recommended that was starts and sessions of cognitive behavior therapy
sessions of cognitive behavior therapy
sessions of cognitive behavior therapy and this would be a process of therapy
and this would be a process of therapy
and this would be a process of therapy sessions where I would learn to
sessions where I would learn to
sessions where I would learn to understand and control my thoughts and
understand and control my thoughts and
understand and control my thoughts and it was through those sessions of CBT and
it was through those sessions of CBT and
it was through those sessions of CBT and through sharing my poetry in those
through sharing my poetry in those
through sharing my poetry in those sessions I recognized why I was
sessions I recognized why I was
sessions I recognized why I was suffering from all these emotions and it
suffering from all these emotions and it
suffering from all these emotions and it was because of the molestation I
was because of the molestation I
was because of the molestation I suffered as a child the ongoing bullying
suffered as a child the ongoing bullying
suffered as a child the ongoing bullying I suffered as a teenager and then the
I suffered as a teenager and then the
I suffered as a teenager and then the sexual assault I encountered as a young
sexual assault I encountered as a young
sexual assault I encountered as a young adult now through those CBT sessions and
adult now through those CBT sessions and
adult now through those CBT sessions and with that poetry I recognized that it
with that poetry I recognized that it
with that poetry I recognized that it was time to take my control back it was
was time to take my control back it was
was time to take my control back it was time to take my power back that control
time to take my power back that control
time to take my power back that control of my mind my body my soul and it was
of my mind my body my soul and it was
of my mind my body my soul and it was through that that I realized that poetry
through that that I realized that poetry
through that that I realized that poetry saved my life
saved my life
saved my life I own are now able to stand here in
I own are now able to stand here in
I own are now able to stand here in front of hundreds of people and deliver
front of hundreds of people and deliver
front of hundreds of people and deliver this talk but more importantly I can now
this talk but more importantly I can now
this talk but more importantly I can now stand in front of the mirror and love
stand in front of the mirror and love
stand in front of the mirror and love who I see when I found poetry it’s like
who I see when I found poetry it’s like
who I see when I found poetry it’s like finding my own inner superhero my own
finding my own inner superhero my own
finding my own inner superhero my own inner self confidence and I recognize
inner self confidence and I recognize
inner self confidence and I recognize that by sharing my poetry with other
that by sharing my poetry with other
that by sharing my poetry with other people I wasn’t alone in what I was
people I wasn’t alone in what I was
people I wasn’t alone in what I was feeling and the hundreds of other people
feeling and the hundreds of other people
feeling and the hundreds of other people were able to connect with it and because
were able to connect with it and because
were able to connect with it and because of that I no longer ever felt alone I
of that I no longer ever felt alone I
of that I no longer ever felt alone I made it through my battle with
made it through my battle with
made it through my battle with depression and I survived and with that
depression and I survived and with that
depression and I survived and with that gratitude I truly want to make a
gratitude I truly want to make a
gratitude I truly want to make a difference with my poetry and now 24 off
difference with my poetry and now 24 off
difference with my poetry and now 24 off antidepressants and feeling better than
antidepressants and feeling better than
antidepressants and feeling better than I ever have now this final poem is one
I ever have now this final poem is one
I ever have now this final poem is one called recovery and it really shows you
called recovery and it really shows you
called recovery and it really shows you the journey that I
the journey that I
the journey that I been on I was so low that
been on I was so low that
been on I was so low that antidepressants took me I would hear all
antidepressants took me I would hear all
antidepressants took me I would hear all those analogies would keep climbing that
those analogies would keep climbing that
those analogies would keep climbing that mountain jasprit but little did they
mountain jasprit but little did they
mountain jasprit but little did they know that I was sitting inside that
know that I was sitting inside that
know that I was sitting inside that mountain
mountain
mountain hammering myself with a pickaxe in hope
hammering myself with a pickaxe in hope
hammering myself with a pickaxe in hope that I would feel something known
that I would feel something known
that I would feel something known slurred speech like heard just got my
slurred speech like heard just got my
slurred speech like heard just got my teeth removed like a stroke my limbs
teeth removed like a stroke my limbs
teeth removed like a stroke my limbs losing motion like a plastic bag wraps
losing motion like a plastic bag wraps
losing motion like a plastic bag wraps around my head with just enough space to
around my head with just enough space to
around my head with just enough space to inhale but not enough to actually
inhale but not enough to actually
inhale but not enough to actually breathe my lips were always salty with
breathe my lips were always salty with
breathe my lips were always salty with tears I would take long slumbers during
tears I would take long slumbers during
tears I would take long slumbers during the day so that I could get away from
the day so that I could get away from
the day so that I could get away from reality for a while but then I couldn’t
reality for a while but then I couldn’t
reality for a while but then I couldn’t sleep at night
sleep at night
sleep at night fight or flight fight or flight but then
fight or flight fight or flight but then
fight or flight fight or flight but then I couldn’t sleep at night and if I ever
I couldn’t sleep at night and if I ever
I couldn’t sleep at night and if I ever did eventually fall asleep I’d
did eventually fall asleep I’d
did eventually fall asleep I’d continuously feel that feeling of
continuously feel that feeling of
continuously feel that feeling of falling and I’d suddenly wake up with a
falling and I’d suddenly wake up with a
falling and I’d suddenly wake up with a job soon I just shut myself down like a
job soon I just shut myself down like a
job soon I just shut myself down like a computer reboot reboot reboot black
computer reboot reboot reboot black
computer reboot reboot reboot black screens and flickers sitting inside a
screens and flickers sitting inside a
screens and flickers sitting inside a haunted house with ghosts living inside
haunted house with ghosts living inside
haunted house with ghosts living inside my chest but nobody could see them so
my chest but nobody could see them so
my chest but nobody could see them so nobody believed me nobody believed me so
nobody believed me nobody believed me so
nobody believed me nobody believed me so I had to perform my own invasive surgery
I had to perform my own invasive surgery
I had to perform my own invasive surgery cut open my chest and remove the disease
cut open my chest and remove the disease
cut open my chest and remove the disease I saved me and now it’s time for
I saved me and now it’s time for
I saved me and now it’s time for recovery so find your story write it
recovery so find your story write it
recovery so find your story write it release it and make sure you share it
release it and make sure you share it
release it and make sure you share it because it might just save your life
because it might just save your life
because it might just save your life thank you
thank you
thank you [Applause]
”
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