have you ever felt scared and alone hopeless helpless or worthless like
hopeless helpless or worthless like
hopeless helpless or worthless like everything was suddenly just totally out
everything was suddenly just totally out
everything was suddenly just totally out of control
of control
of control I was in the shower when it happened to
I was in the shower when it happened to
I was in the shower when it happened to me the water was rushing over my body
me the water was rushing over my body
me the water was rushing over my body when suddenly I started shaking and
when suddenly I started shaking and
when suddenly I started shaking and sweating feeling unsteady
sweating feeling unsteady
sweating feeling unsteady I grabbed the clear shower curtain and
I grabbed the clear shower curtain and
I grabbed the clear shower curtain and fell to the floor of the tub I started
fell to the floor of the tub I started
fell to the floor of the tub I started crying and sobbing uncontrollably I was
crying and sobbing uncontrollably I was
crying and sobbing uncontrollably I was crashing I had had mood crashes before
crashing I had had mood crashes before
crashing I had had mood crashes before having experienced depression and
having experienced depression and
having experienced depression and anxiety on and off throughout my life
anxiety on and off throughout my life
anxiety on and off throughout my life but nothing like this I mean this was a
but nothing like this I mean this was a
but nothing like this I mean this was a full-on crash from outer space to the
full-on crash from outer space to the
full-on crash from outer space to the depths of the earth
depths of the earth
depths of the earth it was scary I was a wreck I was
it was scary I was a wreck I was
it was scary I was a wreck I was inconsolable I couldn’t breathe I
inconsolable I couldn’t breathe I
inconsolable I couldn’t breathe I honestly felt like I was dying on the
honestly felt like I was dying on the
honestly felt like I was dying on the floor of my bathtub with my
floor of my bathtub with my
floor of my bathtub with my six-month-old daughter just a few rooms
six-month-old daughter just a few rooms
six-month-old daughter just a few rooms away I needed help urgently so I grabbed
away I needed help urgently so I grabbed
away I needed help urgently so I grabbed for my cellphone but when I went to dial
for my cellphone but when I went to dial
for my cellphone but when I went to dial nine-one-one I accidentally took a
nine-one-one I accidentally took a
nine-one-one I accidentally took a picture and then another and then
picture and then another and then
picture and then another and then another the corner of the room a broken
another the corner of the room a broken
another the corner of the room a broken mirror the ceiling and the strangest
mirror the ceiling and the strangest
mirror the ceiling and the strangest thing happened
thing happened
thing happened I started breathing a little easier
I started breathing a little easier
I started breathing a little easier suddenly the tears slowed down it was
suddenly the tears slowed down it was
suddenly the tears slowed down it was miraculous or at least it felt that way
miraculous or at least it felt that way
miraculous or at least it felt that way I wasn’t healed but I could imagine
I wasn’t healed but I could imagine
I wasn’t healed but I could imagine getting up and getting dressed and I
getting up and getting dressed and I
getting up and getting dressed and I could imagine calling my therapist to
could imagine calling my therapist to
could imagine calling my therapist to figure out what the heck was going on
figure out what the heck was going on
figure out what the heck was going on there were a lot of thing
there were a lot of thing
there were a lot of thing I didn’t understand about what was going
I didn’t understand about what was going
I didn’t understand about what was going on that January day but there was one
on that January day but there was one
on that January day but there was one thing I knew for sure when I picked up
thing I knew for sure when I picked up
thing I knew for sure when I picked up my baby that night and when she looked
my baby that night and when she looked
my baby that night and when she looked at me with those big brown eyes I knew I
at me with those big brown eyes I knew I
at me with those big brown eyes I knew I couldn’t leave her I knew I couldn’t
couldn’t leave her I knew I couldn’t
couldn’t leave her I knew I couldn’t miss her life so I had to face it
miss her life so I had to face it
miss her life so I had to face it head-on
head-on
head-on whatever it was depression anxiety
whatever it was depression anxiety
whatever it was depression anxiety bipolar disorder borderline personality
bipolar disorder borderline personality
bipolar disorder borderline personality disorder all of the above this was life
disorder all of the above this was life
disorder all of the above this was life or death
or death
or death and I wanted to choose life I just
and I wanted to choose life I just
and I wanted to choose life I just didn’t know how thankfully I had a
didn’t know how thankfully I had a
didn’t know how thankfully I had a therapist I trusted so for about a week
therapist I trusted so for about a week
therapist I trusted so for about a week straight I talked to her for long
straight I talked to her for long
straight I talked to her for long periods of time while I was in crisis
periods of time while I was in crisis
periods of time while I was in crisis and there was something we really
and there was something we really
and there was something we really connected on and that something was
connected on and that something was
connected on and that something was photography and those pictures from the
photography and those pictures from the
photography and those pictures from the bathroom floor she was a budding
bathroom floor she was a budding
bathroom floor she was a budding photographer and was starting a
photographer and was starting a
photographer and was starting a photography class and I had studied
photography class and I had studied
photography class and I had studied photography I was a photography major at
photography I was a photography major at
photography I was a photography major at Ithaca College and I had actually
Ithaca College and I had actually
Ithaca College and I had actually started my own photography business and
started my own photography business and
started my own photography business and so what she had me do was she had me
so what she had me do was she had me
so what she had me do was she had me follow along as she went and did these
follow along as she went and did these
follow along as she went and did these photography assignments that she was
photography assignments that she was
photography assignments that she was doing for her class and so that gave me
doing for her class and so that gave me
doing for her class and so that gave me purpose in my extremely dark days and it
purpose in my extremely dark days and it
purpose in my extremely dark days and it got me out of my house even if that was
got me out of my house even if that was
got me out of my house even if that was just around the corner even if that was
just around the corner even if that was
just around the corner even if that was just to the end of my driveway or just
just to the end of my driveway or just
just to the end of my driveway or just outside my door and we used those photos
outside my door and we used those photos
outside my door and we used those photos in my therapy sessions they gave me a
in my therapy sessions they gave me a
in my therapy sessions they gave me a voice they allowed me to express
voice they allowed me to express
voice they allowed me to express my thoughts feelings and emotions when I
my thoughts feelings and emotions when I
my thoughts feelings and emotions when I couldn’t do so with words at that time
they helped me to express my dreams my
they helped me to express my dreams my fears even my nightmares they allowed me
fears even my nightmares they allowed me
fears even my nightmares they allowed me to express feelings about abuse that I
to express feelings about abuse that I
to express feelings about abuse that I had experienced and not having a voice
had experienced and not having a voice
had experienced and not having a voice and feelings about mania and confusion
and feelings about mania and confusion
and feelings about mania and confusion it was a long way from the shower floor
it was a long way from the shower floor
it was a long way from the shower floor back to a somewhat balanced States it
back to a somewhat balanced States it
back to a somewhat balanced States it took a couple years and to be honest I
took a couple years and to be honest I
took a couple years and to be honest I haven’t quite made it there but it’s not
haven’t quite made it there but it’s not
haven’t quite made it there but it’s not for lack of trying and I’ve tried a lot
for lack of trying and I’ve tried a lot
for lack of trying and I’ve tried a lot of things not just photography
of things not just photography
of things not just photography I’ve tried doctors medications I’ve even
I’ve tried doctors medications I’ve even
I’ve tried doctors medications I’ve even been hospitalized a few times where I’ve
been hospitalized a few times where I’ve
been hospitalized a few times where I’ve tried magnetic therapy and even shock
tried magnetic therapy and even shock
tried magnetic therapy and even shock therapy ECT but I must if not for me for
therapy ECT but I must if not for me for
therapy ECT but I must if not for me for my husband and my daughters now two of
my husband and my daughters now two of
my husband and my daughters now two of them because they mean everything to me
them because they mean everything to me
them because they mean everything to me and I made a decision and that decision
and I made a decision and that decision
and I made a decision and that decision was that ending my life was and is not
was that ending my life was and is not
was that ending my life was and is not an option for me and I make that
an option for me and I make that
an option for me and I make that decision again each and every day of my
decision again each and every day of my
decision again each and every day of my life and I will continue to make that
life and I will continue to make that
life and I will continue to make that decision and I will continue to try and
decision and I will continue to try and
decision and I will continue to try and I will continue to use photography as a
I will continue to use photography as a
I will continue to use photography as a tool during my darkest days but let’s go
tool during my darkest days but let’s go
tool during my darkest days but let’s go back join me if you will back in 2012 in
back join me if you will back in 2012 in
back join me if you will back in 2012 in the months following my crash I spent a
the months following my crash I spent a
the months following my crash I spent a lot of my time in my bed so let’s go
lot of my time in my bed so let’s go
lot of my time in my bed so let’s go back to my bed and one of those days I
back to my bed and one of those days I
back to my bed and one of those days I decided to visit a site called
decided to visit a site called
decided to visit a site called wordpress.com and for those who do not
wordpress.com and for those who do not
wordpress.com and for those who do not know it is a wonderful platform for
know it is a wonderful platform for
know it is a wonderful platform for making blogs I wanted to make a blog
making blogs I wanted to make a blog
making blogs I wanted to make a blog that would be a
that would be a
that would be a operative blog where myself and other
operative blog where myself and other
operative blog where myself and other people affected by mental illness both
people affected by mental illness both
people affected by mental illness both themselves and through people they love
themselves and through people they love
themselves and through people they love because there are so many of us could
because there are so many of us could
because there are so many of us could come together and have a place a safe
come together and have a place a safe
come together and have a place a safe place where we could create and we could
place where we could create and we could
place where we could create and we could put our photography and our stories and
put our photography and our stories and
put our photography and our stories and support each other and feel less alone
support each other and feel less alone
support each other and feel less alone and by putting our stories we could
and by putting our stories we could
and by putting our stories we could raise awareness and fight stigma I
raise awareness and fight stigma I
raise awareness and fight stigma I wanted to call it broken light
wanted to call it broken light
wanted to call it broken light collective because so many of us feel
collective because so many of us feel
collective because so many of us feel broken but there can be beauty in
broken but there can be beauty in
broken but there can be beauty in brokenness and we can share this beauty
brokenness and we can share this beauty
brokenness and we can share this beauty and spread the light a light of hope a
and spread the light a light of hope a
and spread the light a light of hope a light of inspiration a light of healing
light of inspiration a light of healing
light of inspiration a light of healing in the words of my favorite band The
in the words of my favorite band The
in the words of my favorite band The Beatles images of broken lights which
Beatles images of broken lights which
Beatles images of broken lights which danced before me like a million eyes
danced before me like a million eyes
danced before me like a million eyes they call me on and on across the
they call me on and on across the
they call me on and on across the universe the first image ever posted on
universe the first image ever posted on
universe the first image ever posted on the broken light collective was a
the broken light collective was a
the broken light collective was a self-portrait my head in my hands with
self-portrait my head in my hands with
self-portrait my head in my hands with words written upon my arms words of pain
words written upon my arms words of pain
words written upon my arms words of pain and words of insecurity words such as
and words of insecurity words such as
and words of insecurity words such as fat vulnerable humiliated hurt unworthy
fat vulnerable humiliated hurt unworthy
fat vulnerable humiliated hurt unworthy almost immediately the comments started
almost immediately the comments started
almost immediately the comments started coming in and people started sending
coming in and people started sending
coming in and people started sending their own photos and their own stories
their own photos and their own stories
their own photos and their own stories to post on the site and then more people
to post on the site and then more people
to post on the site and then more people started sending their photos and stories
started sending their photos and stories
started sending their photos and stories and more people and it continued to grow
and more people and it continued to grow
and more people and it continued to grow and grow and pretty soon it didn’t feel
and grow and pretty soon it didn’t feel
and grow and pretty soon it didn’t feel like just a blog it felt like a
like just a blog it felt like a
like just a blog it felt like a community and the community grew and the
community and the community grew and the
community and the community grew and the community grew and that broken light
community grew and that broken light
community grew and that broken light collective community now has over 50,000
collective community now has over 50,000
collective community now has over 50,000 people contributors and followers from a
people contributors and followers from a
people contributors and followers from a hundred and eighty-one
hundred and eighty-one
hundred and eighty-one around the world but it’s not the scale
around the world but it’s not the scale
around the world but it’s not the scale of the movement that’s most amazing to
of the movement that’s most amazing to
of the movement that’s most amazing to me it’s the messages we get it’s the
me it’s the messages we get it’s the
me it’s the messages we get it’s the emails it’s the Facebook and Instagram
emails it’s the Facebook and Instagram
emails it’s the Facebook and Instagram messages about the daily victories
messages about the daily victories
messages about the daily victories I would not be out of my room if it
I would not be out of my room if it
I would not be out of my room if it wasn’t for a broken light it has changed
wasn’t for a broken light it has changed
wasn’t for a broken light it has changed my life Colin the two photos you posted
my life Colin the two photos you posted
my life Colin the two photos you posted from me Wow I don’t fully understand the
from me Wow I don’t fully understand the
from me Wow I don’t fully understand the magic it worked but you publishing them
magic it worked but you publishing them
magic it worked but you publishing them lightened my load emotionally a lot
lightened my load emotionally a lot
lightened my load emotionally a lot it’s as if being connected via your blog
it’s as if being connected via your blog
it’s as if being connected via your blog was the final step in my healing both
was the final step in my healing both
was the final step in my healing both issues the dissociative disorder and the
issues the dissociative disorder and the
issues the dissociative disorder and the battered women’s syndrome have improved
battered women’s syndrome have improved
battered women’s syndrome have improved greatly thank you for being there Mary I
greatly thank you for being there Mary I
greatly thank you for being there Mary I just wanted to say thank you because I
just wanted to say thank you because I
just wanted to say thank you because I have been wishing something like this
have been wishing something like this
have been wishing something like this existed I feel like I have come home
existed I feel like I have come home
existed I feel like I have come home broken like collective has become a home
broken like collective has become a home
broken like collective has become a home to so many creatives we support each
to so many creatives we support each
to so many creatives we support each other through the lows and through the
other through the lows and through the
other through the lows and through the highs we get to know each other through
highs we get to know each other through
highs we get to know each other through the photos and through the stories that
the photos and through the stories that
the photos and through the stories that we share we cried together with BPD as
we share we cried together with BPD as
we share we cried together with BPD as she laying in her hospital bed with her
she laying in her hospital bed with her
she laying in her hospital bed with her head on her hand in the middle east
head on her hand in the middle east
head on her hand in the middle east contemplating her existence
contemplating her existence
contemplating her existence we empathized with Kate as her diagnosis
we empathized with Kate as her diagnosis
we empathized with Kate as her diagnosis changed from major depressive disorder
changed from major depressive disorder
changed from major depressive disorder to bipolar disorder and we cheered with
to bipolar disorder and we cheered with
to bipolar disorder and we cheered with Brandon as he overcame anxiety and
Brandon as he overcame anxiety and
Brandon as he overcame anxiety and self-harm and he went to college where
self-harm and he went to college where
self-harm and he went to college where he started a peer group that was
he started a peer group that was
he started a peer group that was inspired by broken light collective and
inspired by broken light collective and
inspired by broken light collective and the experience so he could share it with
the experience so he could share it with
the experience so he could share it with other people the experience he had was
other people the experience he had was
other people the experience he had was broken light broken light collective has
broken light broken light collective has
broken light broken light collective has redefined the meaning of courage for me
redefined the meaning of courage for me
redefined the meaning of courage for me book of pain in 2014 broken light
book of pain in 2014 broken light
book of pain in 2014 broken light collective became a 501c3 nonprofit to
collective became a 501c3 nonprofit to
collective became a 501c3 nonprofit to expand our efforts and mission to
expand our efforts and mission to
expand our efforts and mission to continue raising awareness and fighting
continue raising awareness and fighting
continue raising awareness and fighting stigma our first live
stigma our first live
stigma our first live it was in New York City at the fountain
it was in New York City at the fountain
it was in New York City at the fountain house gallery it was an inspiring seven
house gallery it was an inspiring seven
house gallery it was an inspiring seven week exhibit called from darkness to
week exhibit called from darkness to
week exhibit called from darkness to light that featured the work of 37 of
light that featured the work of 37 of
light that featured the work of 37 of our artists with mental illness from
our artists with mental illness from
our artists with mental illness from around the world and since then we have
around the world and since then we have
around the world and since then we have had exhibits pop-ups and talks across
had exhibits pop-ups and talks across
had exhibits pop-ups and talks across the country from New York to Texas to
the country from New York to Texas to
the country from New York to Texas to California now here are some of the
California now here are some of the
California now here are some of the faces of broken light you can see the
faces of broken light you can see the
faces of broken light you can see the struggle but you can also see the light
struggle but you can also see the light
struggle but you can also see the light shining through it’s as if they’re
shining through it’s as if they’re
shining through it’s as if they’re saying it’s okay to not be okay it’s
saying it’s okay to not be okay it’s
saying it’s okay to not be okay it’s okay to be exactly who you are as you
okay to be exactly who you are as you
okay to be exactly who you are as you are you are enough you are worthy worthy
are you are enough you are worthy worthy
are you are enough you are worthy worthy of love worthy of help because mental
of love worthy of help because mental
of love worthy of help because mental health is just as important as physical
health is just as important as physical
health is just as important as physical health mental health just as important
health mental health just as important
health mental health just as important as physical health because one in five
as physical health because one in five
as physical health because one in five of us is affected by mental illness in a
of us is affected by mental illness in a
of us is affected by mental illness in a given year
given year
given year look around you one in five that’s a lot
look around you one in five that’s a lot
look around you one in five that’s a lot of us and every day each and every day
of us and every day each and every day
of us and every day each and every day there are a hundred and twenty-one
there are a hundred and twenty-one
there are a hundred and twenty-one suicides that is over 44,000 suicides a
suicides that is over 44,000 suicides a
suicides that is over 44,000 suicides a year in America alone we need to do
year in America alone we need to do
year in America alone we need to do whatever we can do whatever we can do to
whatever we can do whatever we can do to
whatever we can do whatever we can do to help support each other and save lives
help support each other and save lives
help support each other and save lives we need to use whatever tools we can and
we need to use whatever tools we can and
we need to use whatever tools we can and photography and broken light collective
photography and broken light collective
photography and broken light collective those are tools we can use to support
those are tools we can use to support
those are tools we can use to support each other and save lives lives like
each other and save lives lives like
each other and save lives lives like these lives like your lives and my life
these lives like your lives and my life
these lives like your lives and my life I will continue to use photography
I will continue to use photography
I will continue to use photography therapeutically whether I’m coasting or
therapeutically whether I’m coasting or
therapeutically whether I’m coasting or crashing and to encourage other people
crashing and to encourage other people
crashing and to encourage other people to do the same to see beauty
to do the same to see beauty
to do the same to see beauty the world around us especially when
the world around us especially when
the world around us especially when we’re surrounded by darkness and with
we’re surrounded by darkness and with
we’re surrounded by darkness and with that I welcome you all into the world of
that I welcome you all into the world of
that I welcome you all into the world of broken light collective calm I hope you
broken light collective calm I hope you
broken light collective calm I hope you find beauty and comfort and if you are
find beauty and comfort and if you are
find beauty and comfort and if you are so inclined to do so I hope you pick up
so inclined to do so I hope you pick up
so inclined to do so I hope you pick up a camera or your cellphone or anything
a camera or your cellphone or anything
a camera or your cellphone or anything and create and if you’re if you would
and create and if you’re if you would
and create and if you’re if you would like to you are welcome to submit but
like to you are welcome to submit but
like to you are welcome to submit but before we go I want you to take a minute
before we go I want you to take a minute
before we go I want you to take a minute and really think have you ever felt
and really think have you ever felt
and really think have you ever felt scared and alone hopeless helpless like
scared and alone hopeless helpless like
scared and alone hopeless helpless like everything was suddenly out of control
everything was suddenly out of control
everything was suddenly out of control because you have the power to take
because you have the power to take
because you have the power to take control with a camera and with broken
control with a camera and with broken
control with a camera and with broken light collective you can take control
light collective you can take control
light collective you can take control you have the power to fight darkness
you have the power to fight darkness
you have the power to fight darkness with a lens to fight stigma with your
with a lens to fight stigma with your
with a lens to fight stigma with your hands and with a camera using your voice
hands and with a camera using your voice
hands and with a camera using your voice and creativity you can change your life
and creativity you can change your life
and creativity you can change your life you can change the life of others you
you can change the life of others you
you can change the life of others you can change the world one photo at a time
can change the world one photo at a time
can change the world one photo at a time thank you
thank you
thank you [Applause]
”
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