Growing hope for warrior women | Mayameen Meftahi | TEDxSwanseaWomen

so my name is Mamie MEF dahi and I’m the

so my name is Mamie MEF dahi and I’m the founder of Swansea trauma support as

founder of Swansea trauma support as

founder of Swansea trauma support as Kath said we support women affected by

Kath said we support women affected by

Kath said we support women affected by various forms of trauma and symptoms of

various forms of trauma and symptoms of

various forms of trauma and symptoms of PTSD and anxiety but I in particular am

PTSD and anxiety but I in particular am

PTSD and anxiety but I in particular am specialised in violence against women so

specialised in violence against women so

specialised in violence against women so this includes FGM on a based violence

this includes FGM on a based violence

this includes FGM on a based violence broth marriage hate crime

broth marriage hate crime

broth marriage hate crime sex trafficking just a list of you so

sex trafficking just a list of you so

sex trafficking just a list of you so that’s pretty intense right yes but with

that’s pretty intense right yes but with

that’s pretty intense right yes but with intensity

intensity

intensity there’s realness and the problem that we

there’s realness and the problem that we

there’s realness and the problem that we have today is that being real equates to

have today is that being real equates to

have today is that being real equates to being vulnerable and to be in weak so

being vulnerable and to be in weak so

being vulnerable and to be in weak so this prevents us from talking about

this prevents us from talking about

this prevents us from talking about these things that actually are intense

these things that actually are intense

these things that actually are intense unfortunately and they are real but

unfortunately and they are real but

unfortunately and they are real but every single one of us as Jemaine has

every single one of us as Jemaine has

every single one of us as Jemaine has said is we have a story but we have to

said is we have a story but we have to

said is we have a story but we have to own that story some of these stories we

own that story some of these stories we

own that story some of these stories we can easily talk about and some of them

can easily talk about and some of them

can easily talk about and some of them have to be revealed

have to be revealed

have to be revealed growing up myself with lifelong trauma a

growing up myself with lifelong trauma a

growing up myself with lifelong trauma a childhood I wouldn’t want to wish on

childhood I wouldn’t want to wish on

childhood I wouldn’t want to wish on anybody and again that’s a whole nother

anybody and again that’s a whole nother

anybody and again that’s a whole nother TEDx talk

TEDx talk

TEDx talk I felt really vulnerable and I grew up

I felt really vulnerable and I grew up

I felt really vulnerable and I grew up feeling very very weak but there was one

feeling very very weak but there was one

feeling very very weak but there was one thing that I held onto is that I was

thing that I held onto is that I was

thing that I held onto is that I was real

real

real I was completely real to who I was –

I was completely real to who I was –

I was completely real to who I was – what who I wanted to be and also to what

what who I wanted to be and also to what

what who I wanted to be and also to what I’d been through and the thing is what

I’d been through and the thing is what

I’d been through and the thing is what we don’t do is we were always in

we don’t do is we were always in

we don’t do is we were always in comparison you know and one thing I

comparison you know and one thing I

comparison you know and one thing I learned has been an open book personally

learned has been an open book personally

learned has been an open book personally I don’t have a problem with it but

I don’t have a problem with it but

I don’t have a problem with it but apparently lots of women do is that we

apparently lots of women do is that we

apparently lots of women do is that we struggle to empower you know women’s

struggle to empower you know women’s

struggle to empower you know women’s struggle to empower women and sometimes

struggle to empower women and sometimes

struggle to empower women and sometimes this is through their own instigation

this is through their own instigation

this is through their own instigation but other times it’s crew fear but also

but other times it’s crew fear but also

but other times it’s crew fear but also folk empower them we are constantly

folk empower them we are constantly

folk empower them we are constantly comparing ourselves to one another the

comparing ourselves to one another the

comparing ourselves to one another the way we look the way we dress our size

way we look the way we dress our size

way we look the way we dress our size our career our success even down to when

our career our success even down to when

our career our success even down to when we have children I mean the mothers in

we have children I mean the mothers in

we have children I mean the mothers in the room please how often are we

the room please how often are we

the room please how often are we comparing our children

comparing our children

comparing our children so he’s not walking you mine was walking

so he’s not walking you mine was walking

so he’s not walking you mine was walking in the room and I’m just like yeah he’s

in the room and I’m just like yeah he’s

in the room and I’m just like yeah he’s not walking yet sorry so we just

not walking yet sorry so we just

not walking yet sorry so we just constantly constantly compare him now

constantly constantly compare him now

constantly constantly compare him now once we start being real to who we are

once we start being real to who we are

once we start being real to who we are there is healthy comparison because then

there is healthy comparison because then

there is healthy comparison because then we can grow and as I grew I started to

we can grow and as I grew I started to

we can grow and as I grew I started to learn that my wounds were worth it and

learn that my wounds were worth it and

learn that my wounds were worth it and as Rumi says

as Rumi says

as Rumi says the wound is where the light enters you

the wound is where the light enters you

the wound is where the light enters you and so in 2009 I was extremely excited

and so in 2009 I was extremely excited

and so in 2009 I was extremely excited to be pregnant my first child a new

to be pregnant my first child a new

to be pregnant my first child a new mother and that the thing we’ve been

mother and that the thing we’ve been

mother and that the thing we’ve been even pregnant is that were not always

even pregnant is that were not always

even pregnant is that were not always real and to be fair I wouldn’t have

real and to be fair I wouldn’t have

real and to be fair I wouldn’t have wanted to listen to the scary stories

wanted to listen to the scary stories

wanted to listen to the scary stories either so apologies for those in the

either so apologies for those in the

either so apologies for those in the room who are about to hear a scary story

room who are about to hear a scary story

room who are about to hear a scary story and so I was going through a very long

and so I was going through a very long

and so I was going through a very long traumatic labor okay and I see them nods

traumatic labor okay and I see them nods

traumatic labor okay and I see them nods sorry I know we feel this it’s not easy

sorry I know we feel this it’s not easy

sorry I know we feel this it’s not easy and after my labor I was then being

and after my labor I was then being

and after my labor I was then being taken down to theatre to have my baby

taken down to theatre to have my baby

taken down to theatre to have my baby surgically removed

surgically removed

surgically removed but unfortunately the surgeon wasn’t

but unfortunately the surgeon wasn’t

but unfortunately the surgeon wasn’t just removing my baby

just removing my baby

just removing my baby he was incorrectly suturing me he was

he was incorrectly suturing me he was

he was incorrectly suturing me he was butchering me so I was left feeling

butchering me so I was left feeling

butchering me so I was left feeling violated mutilated and most of all

violated mutilated and most of all

violated mutilated and most of all womanhood unrecognizable so I spiraled

womanhood unrecognizable so I spiraled

womanhood unrecognizable so I spiraled into a very very dark hole and there was

into a very very dark hole and there was

into a very very dark hole and there was some growth there was some hope I had

some growth there was some hope I had

some growth there was some hope I had reconstructive surgery a year later I

reconstructive surgery a year later I

reconstructive surgery a year later I was also left paralyzed so I was never

was also left paralyzed so I was never

was also left paralyzed so I was never know if I was ever gonna walk again

know if I was ever gonna walk again

know if I was ever gonna walk again wasn’t quite the bliss I was expecting

wasn’t quite the bliss I was expecting

wasn’t quite the bliss I was expecting pushing the pram down down the walkway

pushing the pram down down the walkway

pushing the pram down down the walkway so after a year of then having

so after a year of then having

so after a year of then having reconstructive surgery and a long

reconstructive surgery and a long

reconstructive surgery and a long process of physiotherapy thankfully I

process of physiotherapy thankfully I

process of physiotherapy thankfully I learned to walk again and you see that’s

learned to walk again and you see that’s

learned to walk again and you see that’s the difference between being real

the difference between being real

the difference between being real because we we like I said we all have a

because we we like I said we all have a

because we we like I said we all have a story okay and there’s just something

story okay and there’s just something

story okay and there’s just something about being real to who we are and being

about being real to who we are and being

about being real to who we are and being able to

able to

able to open to who we are everyone’s just

open to who we are everyone’s just

open to who we are everyone’s just looking at me like oh yeah so what I

looking at me like oh yeah so what I

looking at me like oh yeah so what I want everyone to think about as well is

want everyone to think about as well is

want everyone to think about as well is that you know these stories they can

that you know these stories they can

that you know these stories they can empower and they can inspire and so

empower and they can inspire and so

empower and they can inspire and so after a second traumatic event I went on

after a second traumatic event I went on

after a second traumatic event I went on an embrace religion just in case you

an embrace religion just in case you

an embrace religion just in case you hadn’t already figured that one out I

hadn’t already figured that one out I

hadn’t already figured that one out I work for fun and and so this this kind

work for fun and and so this this kind

work for fun and and so this this kind of entered me into lots of different

of entered me into lots of different

of entered me into lots of different things lots of difference understanding

things lots of difference understanding

things lots of difference understanding and I went into learning about different

and I went into learning about different

and I went into learning about different cultural practices and I came across FGM

cultural practices and I came across FGM

cultural practices and I came across FGM so has anyone heard of FGM just a raise

so has anyone heard of FGM just a raise

so has anyone heard of FGM just a raise of hands okay fantastic yeah so you all

of hands okay fantastic yeah so you all

of hands okay fantastic yeah so you all know what I’m coming into for those who

know what I’m coming into for those who

know what I’m coming into for those who don’t f GM is a the deliberate removal

don’t f GM is a the deliberate removal

don’t f GM is a the deliberate removal of the female genitalia the clitoris and

of the female genitalia the clitoris and

of the female genitalia the clitoris and the lobby ah

the lobby ah

the lobby ah and in the strongest and the severus

and in the strongest and the severus

and in the strongest and the severus form its complete removal and suturing

form its complete removal and suturing

form its complete removal and suturing stitching and leaving a very small hole

stitching and leaving a very small hole

stitching and leaving a very small hole size of a matchstick to menstruate and

size of a matchstick to menstruate and

size of a matchstick to menstruate and to urinate three I know right ouch so

to urinate three I know right ouch so

to urinate three I know right ouch so you could probably understand how when I

you could probably understand how when I

you could probably understand how when I was going through this journey and

was going through this journey and

was going through this journey and working with these women how I connected

working with these women how I connected

working with these women how I connected on a very deep empathetic level to the

on a very deep empathetic level to the

on a very deep empathetic level to the violation and to the mutilation and a

violation and to the mutilation and a

violation and to the mutilation and a right taken away by the hands of another

right taken away by the hands of another

right taken away by the hands of another and here in the UK it’s an illegal

and here in the UK it’s an illegal

and here in the UK it’s an illegal practice a hundred and thirty seven

practice a hundred and thirty seven

practice a hundred and thirty seven thousand women affected by the practice

thousand women affected by the practice

thousand women affected by the practice here in the UK yeah 137 thousand women

here in the UK yeah 137 thousand women

here in the UK yeah 137 thousand women affected by a practice that is illegal

affected by a practice that is illegal

affected by a practice that is illegal causes severe damage physical damage

causes severe damage physical damage

causes severe damage physical damage psychological damage and in its worst

psychological damage and in its worst

psychological damage and in its worst case death and I think what we have is

case death and I think what we have is

case death and I think what we have is we we think it’s an African problem or

we we think it’s an African problem or

we we think it’s an African problem or religious problem

religious problem

religious problem it’s completely widespread it’s our

it’s completely widespread it’s our

it’s completely widespread it’s our problem and it’s happening right here

problem and it’s happening right here

problem and it’s happening right here and it could be happening to anyone

and it could be happening to anyone

and it could be happening to anyone around us so when we start to be real we

around us so when we start to be real we

around us so when we start to be real we starts to open the dialogue to awareness

starts to open the dialogue to awareness

starts to open the dialogue to awareness we can start to talk about these things

we can start to talk about these things

we can start to talk about these things and funny enough you know growing up

and funny enough you know growing up

and funny enough you know growing up with lifelong tormund you know these

with lifelong tormund you know these

with lifelong tormund you know these things being normal you know abuse and

things being normal you know abuse and

things being normal you know abuse and cycles of abuse become normal

cycles of abuse become normal

cycles of abuse become normal so for these women they don’t know any

so for these women they don’t know any

so for these women they don’t know any different and I always laugh when people

different and I always laugh when people

different and I always laugh when people say well they know it’s different down

say well they know it’s different down

say well they know it’s different down there right hold up when do we ever sit

there right hold up when do we ever sit

there right hold up when do we ever sit down at the dinner table and start

down at the dinner table and start

down at the dinner table and start discussing downstairs like seriously

discussing downstairs like seriously

discussing downstairs like seriously that’s what be the only one part of our

that’s what be the only one part of our

that’s what be the only one part of our bodies that we actually don’t compare

bodies that we actually don’t compare

bodies that we actually don’t compare right compare our weight we can put our

right compare our weight we can put our

right compare our weight we can put our nose our faces downstairs that’s not

nose our faces downstairs that’s not

nose our faces downstairs that’s not happening but actually what we need to

happening but actually what we need to

happening but actually what we need to start doing is being real to these taboo

start doing is being real to these taboo

start doing is being real to these taboo intense subjects because when we do then

intense subjects because when we do then

intense subjects because when we do then we can empower and then we can inspire

we can empower and then we can inspire

we can empower and then we can inspire because they are not just victims and

because they are not just victims and

because they are not just victims and they’re not just survivors they are

they’re not just survivors they are

they’re not just survivors they are warrior women and they do inspire them

warrior women and they do inspire them

warrior women and they do inspire them and so when I met my warrior women she

and so when I met my warrior women she

and so when I met my warrior women she was extremely powerful there was

was extremely powerful there was

was extremely powerful there was something about her that just mesmerized

something about her that just mesmerized

something about her that just mesmerized me she was very very young and she was

me she was very very young and she was

me she was very very young and she was studying here in the UK and she was so

studying here in the UK and she was so

studying here in the UK and she was so excited when she got the call to go back

excited when she got the call to go back

excited when she got the call to go back and visit family in Africa only it was

and visit family in Africa only it was

and visit family in Africa only it was about to become a holiday from hell be

about to become a holiday from hell be

about to become a holiday from hell be enforcing to marriage as she screamed

enforcing to marriage as she screamed

enforcing to marriage as she screamed and she begged and she cried Brit not to

and she begged and she cried Brit not to

and she begged and she cried Brit not to go ahead there was absolutely no way

go ahead there was absolutely no way

go ahead there was absolutely no way that she was going to bring shame and

that she was going to bring shame and

that she was going to bring shame and humiliation on her family and an entire

humiliation on her family and an entire

humiliation on her family and an entire village after being entered into the

village after being entered into the

village after being entered into the marriage she served a purpose she was

marriage she served a purpose she was

marriage she served a purpose she was put in a room she was just a body on the

put in a room she was just a body on the

put in a room she was just a body on the day that she

day that she

day that she blade she didn’t know if she was gonna

blade she didn’t know if she was gonna

blade she didn’t know if she was gonna make it dead or alive all she could do

make it dead or alive all she could do

make it dead or alive all she could do was run and hope run and hope that he

was run and hope run and hope that he

was run and hope run and hope that he didn’t catch her and the family and the

didn’t catch her and the family and the

didn’t catch her and the family and the village didn’t catch her and so when she

village didn’t catch her and so when she

village didn’t catch her and so when she arrived back here in the UK she was sent

arrived back here in the UK she was sent

arrived back here in the UK she was sent to Swansea she was claiming asylum she

to Swansea she was claiming asylum she

to Swansea she was claiming asylum she didn’t know she was pregnant

didn’t know she was pregnant

didn’t know she was pregnant I know so she’s a new mother to be she’s

I know so she’s a new mother to be she’s

I know so she’s a new mother to be she’s fleeing violence she becomes an asylum

fleeing violence she becomes an asylum

fleeing violence she becomes an asylum she’s in her early twenties she has

she’s in her early twenties she has

she’s in her early twenties she has nothing there was absolutely no question

nothing there was absolutely no question

nothing there was absolutely no question of a doubt that when I met her I wasn’t

of a doubt that when I met her I wasn’t

of a doubt that when I met her I wasn’t going to support her and advocate for

going to support her and advocate for

going to support her and advocate for her and I think that that’s the beauty

her and I think that that’s the beauty

her and I think that that’s the beauty of being real you know I’ll never ever

of being real you know I’ll never ever

of being real you know I’ll never ever forget sitting in the room I was I’d was

forget sitting in the room I was I’d was

forget sitting in the room I was I’d was introduced to her she didn’t come to me

introduced to her she didn’t come to me

introduced to her she didn’t come to me with the busy organization I was

with the busy organization I was

with the busy organization I was literally introduced to her and she was

literally introduced to her and she was

literally introduced to her and she was just like and I was on a career break by

just like and I was on a career break by

just like and I was on a career break by the way I just had my baby so I was like

the way I just had my baby so I was like

the way I just had my baby so I was like right career break this list this works

right career break this list this works

right career break this list this works too stressful it’s too intense and I’m

too stressful it’s too intense and I’m

too stressful it’s too intense and I’m sitting in the coffee and she says does

sitting in the coffee and she says does

sitting in the coffee and she says does anyone know understand deaf Jim I’m like

anyone know understand deaf Jim I’m like

anyone know understand deaf Jim I’m like okay I’ve got you your mind you’re going

okay I’ve got you your mind you’re going

okay I’ve got you your mind you’re going nowhere and I was very very very

nowhere and I was very very very

nowhere and I was very very very thankful to be there when she gave birth

thankful to be there when she gave birth

thankful to be there when she gave birth and to hold the little baby after a very

and to hold the little baby after a very

and to hold the little baby after a very long traumatic labor a very triggering

long traumatic labor a very triggering

long traumatic labor a very triggering labor

labor

labor she held her beautiful baby girl and

she held her beautiful baby girl and

she held her beautiful baby girl and [Music]

[Music]

[Music] because we’d work together so so

because we’d work together so so

because we’d work together so so strongly we’d we talked about the

strongly we’d we talked about the

strongly we’d we talked about the religious issues we talked about

religious issues we talked about

religious issues we talked about everything – FGM and she’s soon

everything – FGM and she’s soon

everything – FGM and she’s soon connected why she went through so much

connected why she went through so much

connected why she went through so much was because of FGM so on that day she

was because of FGM so on that day she

was because of FGM so on that day she made a pledge that she was not going to

made a pledge that she was not going to

made a pledge that she was not going to cut and circumcise remove her child’s be

cut and circumcise remove her child’s be

cut and circumcise remove her child’s be my gentle lady her grandmother her

my gentle lady her grandmother her

my gentle lady her grandmother her mother

mother

mother her sisters and her were all cut from

her sisters and her were all cut from

her sisters and her were all cut from FGM and she ended the generation with

FGM and she ended the generation with

FGM and she ended the generation with her daughter because every single one of

her daughter because every single one of

her daughter because every single one of us is a warrior every single one of us

us is a warrior every single one of us

us is a warrior every single one of us in here has a wound right but how do you

in here has a wound right but how do you

in here has a wound right but how do you manage that wound is how you’re going to

manage that wound is how you’re going to

manage that wound is how you’re going to empower when we just stop hiding and we

empower when we just stop hiding and we

empower when we just stop hiding and we start being real and we stop comparing

start being real and we stop comparing

start being real and we stop comparing and we start sharing then we can grow

and we start sharing then we can grow

and we start sharing then we can grow because as I always say beautiful things

because as I always say beautiful things

because as I always say beautiful things can grow in the darkest of places so

can grow in the darkest of places so

can grow in the darkest of places so please let yourself be real let yourself

please let yourself be real let yourself

please let yourself be real let yourself grow because with growth becomes hope

grow because with growth becomes hope

grow because with growth becomes hope and with hope comes like so be real and

and with hope comes like so be real and

and with hope comes like so be real and grow hope

grow hope

grow hope [Applause]