Grandma Yoda: Finding Happiness After Loss | Bobby Jo Valentine | TEDxTucson

thanks for having me

thanks for having me I wanted to start with a song I wrote

I wanted to start with a song I wrote

I wanted to start with a song I wrote about how to look at life after you’ve

about how to look at life after you’ve

about how to look at life after you’ve lost something whether it’s a person or

lost something whether it’s a person or

lost something whether it’s a person or a place or just your sense of purpose

a place or just your sense of purpose

a place or just your sense of purpose this song is called a fox eyes and we’ll

this song is called a fox eyes and we’ll

this song is called a fox eyes and we’ll start with this

[Music]

[Music] rooster crows at dawn hibernate instead

migrate with her

migrate with her [Music]

[Music]

[Music] circle round the Sun hope that all the

circle round the Sun hope that all the

circle round the Sun hope that all the groundhog days are done

groundhog days are done

groundhog days are done what to do when all the reasons have one

what to do when all the reasons have one

what to do when all the reasons have one fin after all we’re only human animals

fin after all we’re only human animals

fin after all we’re only human animals with fur and souls and skin

we’ll keep your fox eyes focused on the

we’ll keep your fox eyes focused on the beauty under

beauty under

beauty under and keep your whale heart open that is

and keep your whale heart open that is

and keep your whale heart open that is all you really need

all you really need

all you really need – love lie

– love lie

– love lie [Music]

temporary paw prints on this sir

temporary paw prints on this sir [Music]

[Music]

[Music] when they don’t love you anymore when

when they don’t love you anymore when

when they don’t love you anymore when your own story is the only left worth

your own story is the only left worth

your own story is the only left worth fighting for

fighting for

fighting for with no one’s opening the doors when the

with no one’s opening the doors when the

with no one’s opening the doors when the wolf comes out at night and there’s no

wolf comes out at night and there’s no

wolf comes out at night and there’s no one left inside are we gonna be all

one left inside are we gonna be all

one left inside are we gonna be all right

right

right [Music]

[Music]

[Music] we’ll keep your fox eyes focused there

we’ll keep your fox eyes focused there

we’ll keep your fox eyes focused there is beauty underneath and keep your whale

is beauty underneath and keep your whale

is beauty underneath and keep your whale hard Oh

that is all you really need

that is all you really need the love life love life

the love life love life

the love life love life love

so this being TED talk I do have a few

so this being TED talk I do have a few stories and some lessons I’ve been

stories and some lessons I’ve been

stories and some lessons I’ve been learning lately and I got a call from my

learning lately and I got a call from my

learning lately and I got a call from my grandma four months ago and my grandma

grandma four months ago and my grandma

grandma four months ago and my grandma in her late 90s is kind of like the

in her late 90s is kind of like the

in her late 90s is kind of like the spiritual guru of our family and she I

spiritual guru of our family and she I

spiritual guru of our family and she I like to say that she’s like Yoda but

like to say that she’s like Yoda but

like to say that she’s like Yoda but then every time I say that people seem

then every time I say that people seem

then every time I say that people seem to associate that more with like you

to associate that more with like you

to associate that more with like you know the hairy ears and the wrinkled

know the hairy ears and the wrinkled

know the hairy ears and the wrinkled face then the wisdom of Yoda

face then the wisdom of Yoda

face then the wisdom of Yoda – which Yoda would definitely say that

– which Yoda would definitely say that

– which Yoda would definitely say that is why Yoda you were not and that was a

is why Yoda you were not and that was a

is why Yoda you were not and that was a really bad Yoda impression be prepared

really bad Yoda impression be prepared

really bad Yoda impression be prepared for another one later but I was on the

for another one later but I was on the

for another one later but I was on the phone with my my grandmother and we were

phone with my my grandmother and we were

phone with my my grandmother and we were just talking and doing the kind of

just talking and doing the kind of

just talking and doing the kind of family talk that you do when you have

family talk that you do when you have

family talk that you do when you have something else on your mind and you’re

something else on your mind and you’re

something else on your mind and you’re just talking to family and you’re kind

just talking to family and you’re kind

just talking to family and you’re kind of taking the conversation for granted

of taking the conversation for granted

of taking the conversation for granted and we were just talking yeah grandma

and we were just talking yeah grandma

and we were just talking yeah grandma life is good things like that and out of

life is good things like that and out of

life is good things like that and out of the blue she just asked me are you happy

and it was a question that sideswiped me

and it was a question that sideswiped me it came in through the side door I

it came in through the side door I

it came in through the side door I wasn’t expecting it and three weeks

wasn’t expecting it and three weeks

wasn’t expecting it and three weeks later my grandma died and at the funeral

later my grandma died and at the funeral

later my grandma died and at the funeral all I could think was this strange

all I could think was this strange

all I could think was this strange inheritance she had left me with this

inheritance she had left me with this

inheritance she had left me with this beautiful question are you happy and

beautiful question are you happy and

beautiful question are you happy and almost more of a challenge than a

almost more of a challenge than a

almost more of a challenge than a question of I would like you to be happy

question of I would like you to be happy

question of I would like you to be happy and so go figure that out please well a

and so go figure that out please well a

and so go figure that out please well a month later I didn’t just lose my

month later I didn’t just lose my

month later I didn’t just lose my grandma but a month later I lost a

grandma but a month later I lost a

grandma but a month later I lost a relationship that I’d had for over seven

relationship that I’d had for over seven

relationship that I’d had for over seven years of the love of my life and then

years of the love of my life and then

years of the love of my life and then the day after that the fires hit

the day after that the fires hit

the day after that the fires hit Northern California and took our home

Northern California and took our home

Northern California and took our home and so I lost a lot in a very short

and so I lost a lot in a very short

and so I lost a lot in a very short period of time and I started thinking

period of time and I started thinking

period of time and I started thinking about that idea of are you happy in the

about that idea of are you happy in the

about that idea of are you happy in the context

context

context of loss and how to be happy in the

of loss and how to be happy in the

of loss and how to be happy in the middle of or after a huge loss in our

middle of or after a huge loss in our

middle of or after a huge loss in our life and I can say today that strangely

life and I can say today that strangely

life and I can say today that strangely after those losses I’m more happy now

after those losses I’m more happy now

after those losses I’m more happy now than I was before and it’s for it’s

than I was before and it’s for it’s

than I was before and it’s for it’s because of some of these things I have

because of some of these things I have

because of some of these things I have been learning and one of the things I

been learning and one of the things I

been learning and one of the things I learned was kind of in that first song

learned was kind of in that first song

learned was kind of in that first song and that’s the idea that as you look at

and that’s the idea that as you look at

and that’s the idea that as you look at what’s lost don’t forget to look at

what’s lost don’t forget to look at

what’s lost don’t forget to look at what’s left yeah and because there’s

what’s left yeah and because there’s

what’s left yeah and because there’s still a lot of beauty in the world and a

still a lot of beauty in the world and a

still a lot of beauty in the world and a lot of times the loss that you had it

lot of times the loss that you had it

lot of times the loss that you had it actually uncovers a lot of beauty that

actually uncovers a lot of beauty that

actually uncovers a lot of beauty that you didn’t know was there and when we

you didn’t know was there and when we

you didn’t know was there and when we lost our house two weeks later we all of

lost our house two weeks later we all of

lost our house two weeks later we all of a sudden started getting clothes and

a sudden started getting clothes and

a sudden started getting clothes and donations and love phone calls from

donations and love phone calls from

donations and love phone calls from friends that we hadn’t talked to in

friends that we hadn’t talked to in

friends that we hadn’t talked to in years and we started discovering that

years and we started discovering that

years and we started discovering that there was this wonderful Beauty to be

there was this wonderful Beauty to be

there was this wonderful Beauty to be found in the middle of the loss and that

found in the middle of the loss and that

found in the middle of the loss and that was a first lesson and the second idea I

was a first lesson and the second idea I

was a first lesson and the second idea I had that which is really important is to

had that which is really important is to

had that which is really important is to feel what you need to feel when you lose

feel what you need to feel when you lose

feel what you need to feel when you lose something this is a hard lesson for me I

something this is a hard lesson for me I

something this is a hard lesson for me I am the king of distraction and when pain

am the king of distraction and when pain

am the king of distraction and when pain comes and taps me on the soldier I look

comes and taps me on the soldier I look

comes and taps me on the soldier I look at it and I say do you know that Gilmore

at it and I say do you know that Gilmore

at it and I say do you know that Gilmore Girls has seven seasons and I can watch

Girls has seven seasons and I can watch

Girls has seven seasons and I can watch all of them right now

but what I would say about that is that

but what I would say about that is that your future happiness depends on your

your future happiness depends on your

your future happiness depends on your present emotional honesty and what the

present emotional honesty and what the

present emotional honesty and what the danger you have if you don’t feel what

danger you have if you don’t feel what

danger you have if you don’t feel what you need to feel is walking through life

you need to feel is walking through life

you need to feel is walking through life half happy with the pain at the back of

half happy with the pain at the back of

half happy with the pain at the back of your neck all the time unaddressed but

your neck all the time unaddressed but

your neck all the time unaddressed but you know it’s there and so I took the

you know it’s there and so I took the

you know it’s there and so I took the time during these losses to really feel

time during these losses to really feel

time during these losses to really feel what I needed to feel and it really

what I needed to feel and it really

what I needed to feel and it really allowed me to be happy later and this

allowed me to be happy later and this

allowed me to be happy later and this song is a song about that and it’s

song is a song about that and it’s

song is a song about that and it’s called slow down and feeling

called slow down and feeling

called slow down and feeling [Music]

[Music]

[Music] Tony the Tiger doesn’t live here anymore

Tony the Tiger doesn’t live here anymore

Tony the Tiger doesn’t live here anymore he turned tail left town tryin to settle

he turned tail left town tryin to settle

he turned tail left town tryin to settle some score he got a one-way ticket in

some score he got a one-way ticket in

some score he got a one-way ticket in the travel in case he doesn’t do

the travel in case he doesn’t do

the travel in case he doesn’t do anything halfway

anything halfway

anything halfway some say the circus wasn’t paying enough

some say the circus wasn’t paying enough

some say the circus wasn’t paying enough some say the money was so good he

some say the money was so good he

some say the money was so good he started feeling out of touch so I’m

started feeling out of touch so I’m

started feeling out of touch so I’m saying his love started to feel like a

saying his love started to feel like a

saying his love started to feel like a crutch

crutch

crutch so Tony had to find his own way from

so Tony had to find his own way from

so Tony had to find his own way from claim the train from town to town he

claim the train from town to town he

claim the train from town to town he picked up almost as soon as he touched

picked up almost as soon as he touched

picked up almost as soon as he touched down a voice playing in the back of his

down a voice playing in the back of his

down a voice playing in the back of his mind he tried to ignore it kept popping

mind he tried to ignore it kept popping

mind he tried to ignore it kept popping up from time to time

up from time to time

up from time to time slow down filled it unless you let it

slow down filled it unless you let it

slow down filled it unless you let it hurt you’re never gonna heal it slow

hurt you’re never gonna heal it slow

hurt you’re never gonna heal it slow down

down

down slow down slow down

slow down slow down

slow down slow down [Music]

so I asked to buy and lay some roses on

so I asked to buy and lay some roses on the door no flowers ever we’ll settle

the door no flowers ever we’ll settle

the door no flowers ever we’ll settle this score

this score

this score I got one-way ticket in a travelin case

I got one-way ticket in a travelin case

I got one-way ticket in a travelin case I gotta fund my own way

I gotta fund my own way

I gotta fund my own way drive past the city till everything

drive past the city till everything

drive past the city till everything glistens pull over stop and finally

glistens pull over stop and finally

glistens pull over stop and finally start to listen my ground of being my

start to listen my ground of being my

start to listen my ground of being my significant other rises up inside me

significant other rises up inside me

significant other rises up inside me both father and mother and says slow

both father and mother and says slow

both father and mother and says slow down feel it unless you let it hurt

down feel it unless you let it hurt

down feel it unless you let it hurt you’re never gonna heal it slow down

you’re never gonna heal it slow down

you’re never gonna heal it slow down slow down slow down

slow down feeling unless you let it hurt

slow down feeling unless you let it hurt you never gonna keel it slow down slow

you never gonna keel it slow down slow

you never gonna keel it slow down slow down slow down feeling

down slow down feeling

down slow down feeling [Music]

Thanks the third lesson that I have been

Thanks the third lesson that I have been learning about loss and about finding

learning about loss and about finding

learning about loss and about finding happiness and loss is that you you need

happiness and loss is that you you need

happiness and loss is that you you need to love what you have right now more

to love what you have right now more

to love what you have right now more than you love the idea that you’re gonna

than you love the idea that you’re gonna

than you love the idea that you’re gonna have it later and I had taken my grandma

have it later and I had taken my grandma

have it later and I had taken my grandma for granted four years before she passed

for granted four years before she passed

for granted four years before she passed away and I realized that the reason I

away and I realized that the reason I

away and I realized that the reason I had been taking her for granted was I

had been taking her for granted was I

had been taking her for granted was I had this idea in the back of my mind

had this idea in the back of my mind

had this idea in the back of my mind that she was always going to be there

that she was always going to be there

that she was always going to be there and there are so many of us that end up

and there are so many of us that end up

and there are so many of us that end up loving what we have now less because we

loving what we have now less because we

loving what we have now less because we have this assumption that it’s going to

have this assumption that it’s going to

have this assumption that it’s going to be here forever but most things in life

be here forever but most things in life

be here forever but most things in life are temporary and if you knew that this

are temporary and if you knew that this

are temporary and if you knew that this sunset tonight was the last sunset you

sunset tonight was the last sunset you

sunset tonight was the last sunset you were gonna get to see then you would

were gonna get to see then you would

were gonna get to see then you would immediately go out and see it and the

immediately go out and see it and the

immediately go out and see it and the reason that you might not and you

reason that you might not and you

reason that you might not and you probably won’t is the idea that you have

probably won’t is the idea that you have

probably won’t is the idea that you have a thousand sunsets in your back pocket

a thousand sunsets in your back pocket

a thousand sunsets in your back pocket but the truth is that you that you don’t

but the truth is that you that you don’t

but the truth is that you that you don’t what you have is right here right now

what you have is right here right now

what you have is right here right now and I feel like with many of the things

and I feel like with many of the things

and I feel like with many of the things I lost that if I had taken the time to

I lost that if I had taken the time to

I lost that if I had taken the time to really focus in and loved them in the

really focus in and loved them in the

really focus in and loved them in the moment that they were with me then I

moment that they were with me then I

moment that they were with me then I would feel less ache that they’re not

would feel less ache that they’re not

would feel less ache that they’re not and this song is just a little reminder

and this song is just a little reminder

and this song is just a little reminder to be grateful for what you have in

to be grateful for what you have in

to be grateful for what you have in front of you

front of you

front of you [Music]

[Music]

[Music] they asked me to be the comedic relief

they asked me to be the comedic relief

they asked me to be the comedic relief for the TED talks

I said I have written the exact opposite

I said I have written the exact opposite about fire and waves and forests

about fire and waves and forests

about fire and waves and forests cinnamon and wind pain and hope and

cinnamon and wind pain and hope and

cinnamon and wind pain and hope and wonder trapped inside these bones and

wonder trapped inside these bones and

wonder trapped inside these bones and skin beauty all around me that I never

skin beauty all around me that I never

skin beauty all around me that I never stopped find and I can be so ungrateful

stopped find and I can be so ungrateful

stopped find and I can be so ungrateful sometimes

sometimes

sometimes [Music]

[Music]

[Music] a hurricane through hours with a hundred

a hurricane through hours with a hundred

a hurricane through hours with a hundred things to do craving these few moments

things to do craving these few moments

things to do craving these few moments when the only thing is you

when the only thing is you

when the only thing is you but then a bride screen calls me and I

but then a bride screen calls me and I

but then a bride screen calls me and I leave you with the wine

and I can be so ungrateful sometimes

and I can be so ungrateful sometimes [Music]

[Music]

[Music] finally make it back from all the songs

finally make it back from all the songs

finally make it back from all the songs and shows and sparks and you are home

and shows and sparks and you are home

and shows and sparks and you are home from work and watching TV in the dark

from work and watching TV in the dark

from work and watching TV in the dark stumble through the doorway after tour

stumble through the doorway after tour

stumble through the doorway after tour for weeks and weeks

for weeks and weeks

for weeks and weeks drop my heavy suitcase kiss your hands

drop my heavy suitcase kiss your hands

drop my heavy suitcase kiss your hands your mouth

your mouth

your mouth Yorgi

and the moon’s gold and beacon on the

and the moon’s gold and beacon on the ocean of your eyes and I can be so

ocean of your eyes and I can be so

ocean of your eyes and I can be so ungrateful sometimes

ungrateful sometimes

ungrateful sometimes [Music]

but sometime

but sometime [Music]

thank you very much with my last moment

thank you very much with my last moment I want to leave you with this

I want to leave you with this

I want to leave you with this we have connecting the dots as the theme

we have connecting the dots as the theme

we have connecting the dots as the theme of TEDx and I feel like the great

of TEDx and I feel like the great

of TEDx and I feel like the great connector in life can actually be lost

connector in life can actually be lost

connector in life can actually be lost the one thing that we have in common and

the one thing that we have in common and

the one thing that we have in common and the thing that can bind us together is

the thing that can bind us together is

the thing that can bind us together is the fact that we’ve all lost something

the fact that we’ve all lost something

the fact that we’ve all lost something we might have found something different

we might have found something different

we might have found something different but we’ve all we know what it is to lose

but we’ve all we know what it is to lose

but we’ve all we know what it is to lose something and we can connect with each

something and we can connect with each

something and we can connect with each other around that ache and find the

other around that ache and find the

other around that ache and find the answer together and if my grandma were

answer together and if my grandma were

answer together and if my grandma were to call me again right now and ask me if

to call me again right now and ask me if

to call me again right now and ask me if I was happy I would be able to tell her

I was happy I would be able to tell her

I was happy I would be able to tell her yes I am happy to which I hope if she

yes I am happy to which I hope if she

yes I am happy to which I hope if she knows my humor she would say in her

knows my humor she would say in her

knows my humor she would say in her worst Yoda impression learn some lessons

worst Yoda impression learn some lessons

worst Yoda impression learn some lessons you have thank you very much

you have thank you very much

you have thank you very much [Applause]