From Despair to Drag: How performance helped save my life | Laura Phillips | TEDxDicksonStreet

so if you had told me five years ago

so if you had told me five years ago that I would be standing here talking

that I would be standing here talking

that I would be standing here talking about being a drag queen I would have

about being a drag queen I would have

about being a drag queen I would have not believed you but like many stories

not believed you but like many stories

not believed you but like many stories mine starts with a chance meeting in my

mine starts with a chance meeting in my

mine starts with a chance meeting in my case it was meeting Patti and Patti was

case it was meeting Patti and Patti was

case it was meeting Patti and Patti was a drag queen and she introduced me to

a drag queen and she introduced me to

a drag queen and she introduced me to the idea and the art of drag a diva drag

the idea and the art of drag a diva drag

the idea and the art of drag a diva drag which is the art of jog performed by

which is the art of jog performed by

which is the art of jog performed by women and then promptly spent the next

women and then promptly spent the next

women and then promptly spent the next four years trying to convince me to be a

four years trying to convince me to be a

four years trying to convince me to be a drag queen so in the spring of 2017 I

drag queen so in the spring of 2017 I

drag queen so in the spring of 2017 I finally got the chance before I go into

finally got the chance before I go into

finally got the chance before I go into that story I want to try and explain

that story I want to try and explain

that story I want to try and explain what drag is it is hard to explain and

what drag is it is hard to explain and

what drag is it is hard to explain and if there’s any drag performers out there

if there’s any drag performers out there

if there’s any drag performers out there listening I apologize in advance for

listening I apologize in advance for

listening I apologize in advance for missing something jack is art it’s

missing something jack is art it’s

missing something jack is art it’s performance it’s over-the-top makeup

performance it’s over-the-top makeup

performance it’s over-the-top makeup it’s big gestures and small details and

it’s big gestures and small details and

it’s big gestures and small details and wigs and costumes and sometimes dancing

wigs and costumes and sometimes dancing

wigs and costumes and sometimes dancing and it’s not all RuPaul’s Drag Race and

and it’s not all RuPaul’s Drag Race and

and it’s not all RuPaul’s Drag Race and every Queen is so different so back to

every Queen is so different so back to

every Queen is so different so back to the pecked my first performance was for

the pecked my first performance was for

the pecked my first performance was for a benefit show and I don’t remember what

a benefit show and I don’t remember what

a benefit show and I don’t remember what my makeup looked like I don’t remember

my makeup looked like I don’t remember

my makeup looked like I don’t remember what my hair looked like I do remember

what my hair looked like I do remember

what my hair looked like I do remember that it was this incredible rush to

that it was this incredible rush to

that it was this incredible rush to create this character that wasn’t me and

create this character that wasn’t me and

create this character that wasn’t me and to go out on stage in so much makeup and

to go out on stage in so much makeup and

to go out on stage in so much makeup and in so many sequins that my partner

in so many sequins that my partner

in so many sequins that my partner didn’t recognize me

didn’t recognize me

didn’t recognize me and I clumsily danced around the dance

and I clumsily danced around the dance

and I clumsily danced around the dance floor and my little two-inch kitten

floor and my little two-inch kitten

floor and my little two-inch kitten heels cuz that’s all I can do and I

heels cuz that’s all I can do and I

heels cuz that’s all I can do and I think to a slightly an off-color song

think to a slightly an off-color song

think to a slightly an off-color song and it was amazing it was the most

and it was amazing it was the most

and it was amazing it was the most amazing experience of my life but I knew

amazing experience of my life but I knew

amazing experience of my life but I knew that that first show was gonna be my

that that first show was gonna be my

that that first show was gonna be my last because I had a secret I was gonna

last because I had a secret I was gonna

last because I had a secret I was gonna kill myself I had a plan and I had a

kill myself I had a plan and I had a

kill myself I had a plan and I had a timeline and I knew how and when

timeline and I knew how and when

timeline and I knew how and when and where and the why doesn’t matter to

and where and the why doesn’t matter to

and where and the why doesn’t matter to the story what matters is that my family

the story what matters is that my family

the story what matters is that my family figured out I needed help and I spent a

figured out I needed help and I spent a

figured out I needed help and I spent a week in an inpatient psychiatric

week in an inpatient psychiatric

week in an inpatient psychiatric hospital and I came out the other side

hospital and I came out the other side

hospital and I came out the other side with a timid smile on my face and a

with a timid smile on my face and a

with a timid smile on my face and a brain that was starting to heal these

brain that was starting to heal these

brain that was starting to heal these raw emotions and the correct diagnosis

raw emotions and the correct diagnosis

raw emotions and the correct diagnosis of bipolar 2

of bipolar 2

of bipolar 2 anyway that’s me as candy to this first

anyway that’s me as candy to this first

anyway that’s me as candy to this first time bipolar – really hard to explain

time bipolar – really hard to explain

time bipolar – really hard to explain I’m gonna use really simple explanations

I’m gonna use really simple explanations

I’m gonna use really simple explanations both halves of my brain ER in the car

both halves of my brain ER in the car

both halves of my brain ER in the car ones just fine if we drive right off the

ones just fine if we drive right off the

ones just fine if we drive right off the cliff and that’s why for all the years I

cliff and that’s why for all the years I

cliff and that’s why for all the years I was depressed nothing helped the

was depressed nothing helped the

was depressed nothing helped the medication didn’t help I never knew what

medication didn’t help I never knew what

medication didn’t help I never knew what it was like to not be anxious every

it was like to not be anxious every

it was like to not be anxious every minute of every day so after that

minute of every day so after that

minute of every day so after that appointment I had my first appointment

appointment I had my first appointment

appointment I had my first appointment with a therapist and I had no idea how

with a therapist and I had no idea how

with a therapist and I had no idea how is it explained to this guy how wrong I

is it explained to this guy how wrong I

is it explained to this guy how wrong I felt it felt like there had been a scab

felt it felt like there had been a scab

felt it felt like there had been a scab on my brain and that scab let me be

on my brain and that scab let me be

on my brain and that scab let me be fearless and confident and go get stuff

fearless and confident and go get stuff

fearless and confident and go get stuff done and happy and let me function and

done and happy and let me function and

done and happy and let me function and now it was gone and I had no idea how to

now it was gone and I had no idea how to

now it was gone and I had no idea how to explain to him how lost I felt

explain to him how lost I felt

explain to him how lost I felt apparently therapists are trained to

apparently therapists are trained to

apparently therapists are trained to help you with that

help you with that

help you with that I don’t again i don’t remember much of

I don’t again i don’t remember much of

I don’t again i don’t remember much of what we talked about but i remember at

what we talked about but i remember at

what we talked about but i remember at one point he’s scribbling notes and he

one point he’s scribbling notes and he

one point he’s scribbling notes and he looks at me and says what do you look

looks at me and says what do you look

looks at me and says what do you look forward to what makes you happy

forward to what makes you happy

forward to what makes you happy politics I said no yeah what makes you

politics I said no yeah what makes you

politics I said no yeah what makes you get up in the morning and look forward

get up in the morning and look forward

get up in the morning and look forward to stuff and you can’t see your kids and

to stuff and you can’t see your kids and

to stuff and you can’t see your kids and family it’s totally gonna say my kids

family it’s totally gonna say my kids

family it’s totally gonna say my kids and family so I sat there for what felt

and family so I sat there for what felt

and family so I sat there for what felt like forever and I thought and I thought

like forever and I thought and I thought

like forever and I thought and I thought and I remembered being so empowered

and I remembered being so empowered

and I remembered being so empowered being candy cakes for the first time and

being candy cakes for the first time and

being candy cakes for the first time and so I blurted out I want to do another

so I blurted out I want to do another

so I blurted out I want to do another dog show and it kind of looks up and

dog show and it kind of looks up and

dog show and it kind of looks up and pops his head to one side and goes tell

pops his head to one side and goes tell

pops his head to one side and goes tell me more about that so I did so I told

me more about that so I did so I told

me more about that so I did so I told him how incredible it was and how I

him how incredible it was and how I

him how incredible it was and how I turned myself into a different person

turned myself into a different person

turned myself into a different person and I could go out and just dance for

and I could go out and just dance for

and I could go out and just dance for people I didn’t know and he said do that

people I didn’t know and he said do that

people I didn’t know and he said do that more

more

more so right after that I had been ignoring

so right after that I had been ignoring

so right after that I had been ignoring some physical symptoms on account of the

some physical symptoms on account of the

some physical symptoms on account of the being suicidal and not wanting to deal

being suicidal and not wanting to deal

being suicidal and not wanting to deal with anything so I went to my medical

with anything so I went to my medical

with anything so I went to my medical doctor and I walked away from those

doctor and I walked away from those

doctor and I walked away from those appointments with a diagnosis of

appointments with a diagnosis of

appointments with a diagnosis of advanced rheumatoid arthritis and

advanced rheumatoid arthritis and

advanced rheumatoid arthritis and interstitial lung disease as I promised

interstitial lung disease as I promised

interstitial lung disease as I promised super simple definitions everything

super simple definitions everything

super simple definitions everything hurts

hurts

hurts I’m tired interstitial lung disease

I’m tired interstitial lung disease

I’m tired interstitial lung disease don’t google it sorry about your lungs

don’t google it sorry about your lungs

don’t google it sorry about your lungs so so in the space of about a month I’ve

so so in the space of about a month I’ve

so so in the space of about a month I’ve been handed these three really

been handed these three really

been handed these three really significantly huge invisible illnesses

significantly huge invisible illnesses

significantly huge invisible illnesses that eventually let me made me quit my

that eventually let me made me quit my

that eventually let me made me quit my job but still I thought about job and

job but still I thought about job and

job but still I thought about job and there were times that summer I was so

there were times that summer I was so

there were times that summer I was so tired and I hurt so much that all I

tired and I hurt so much that all I

tired and I hurt so much that all I could do was just curl up in my recliner

could do was just curl up in my recliner

could do was just curl up in my recliner and so I did what any drag queen of the

and so I did what any drag queen of the

and so I did what any drag queen of the digital age does I started watching

digital age does I started watching

digital age does I started watching YouTube videos and I learned how to

YouTube videos and I learned how to

YouTube videos and I learned how to contour and I’d learn how to put on fake

contour and I’d learn how to put on fake

contour and I’d learn how to put on fake eyelashes and I would watch different

eyelashes and I would watch different

eyelashes and I would watch different shows and my tiny dog kept me company

shows and my tiny dog kept me company

shows and my tiny dog kept me company she’s gonna be a drag queen to you

she’s gonna be a drag queen to you

she’s gonna be a drag queen to you someday I wasn’t doing shows but I had

someday I wasn’t doing shows but I had

someday I wasn’t doing shows but I had something to look forward to and so

something to look forward to and so

something to look forward to and so doing makeup became part of my weekly

doing makeup became part of my weekly

doing makeup became part of my weekly routine I do makeup and then a shower

routine I do makeup and then a shower

routine I do makeup and then a shower seemed logical and then I’m dressed for

seemed logical and then I’m dressed for

seemed logical and then I’m dressed for the first time in a week it was amazing

the first time in a week it was amazing

the first time in a week it was amazing so in September of 2016 I got my chance

so in September of 2016 I got my chance

so in September of 2016 I got my chance to do my first real show and again I

to do my first real show and again I

to do my first real show and again I don’t remember what I wore don’t

don’t remember what I wore don’t

don’t remember what I wore don’t remember my makeup what I do remember is

remember my makeup what I do remember is

remember my makeup what I do remember is that the crowd didn’t care that I was

that the crowd didn’t care that I was

that the crowd didn’t care that I was fat they didn’t care that I was wearing

fat they didn’t care that I was wearing

fat they didn’t care that I was wearing flats

flats

flats they didn’t care that I couldn’t dance

they didn’t care that I couldn’t dance

they didn’t care that I couldn’t dance they cared that I was there to make a

they cared that I was there to make a

they cared that I was there to make a connection with them and to entertain

connection with them and to entertain

connection with them and to entertain them and the more I did shows the more I

them and the more I did shows the more I

them and the more I did shows the more I realized I could do it

realized I could do it

realized I could do it and that was such a huge thing a friend

and that was such a huge thing a friend

and that was such a huge thing a friend of mine much told me to follow your

of mine much told me to follow your

of mine much told me to follow your bliss find something that gives you

bliss find something that gives you

bliss find something that gives you bliss and follow it and turns out drag

bliss and follow it and turns out drag

bliss and follow it and turns out drag was part of my bliss

was part of my bliss

was part of my bliss so with the encouragement of my now drag

so with the encouragement of my now drag

so with the encouragement of my now drag mom lady cakes Monroe I tried out for a

mom lady cakes Monroe I tried out for a

mom lady cakes Monroe I tried out for a local nightclubs next top diva contest

local nightclubs next top diva contest

local nightclubs next top diva contest knowing that I would not get in but I

knowing that I would not get in but I

knowing that I would not get in but I got in and I was one of 14 contestants

got in and I was one of 14 contestants

got in and I was one of 14 contestants and every month we had a new challenge

and every month we had a new challenge

and every month we had a new challenge so I had something else to look forward

so I had something else to look forward

so I had something else to look forward to had costumes to make I had songs to

to had costumes to make I had songs to

to had costumes to make I had songs to rehearse and it was incredible I learned

rehearse and it was incredible I learned

rehearse and it was incredible I learned how to do aged makeup first I dressed up

how to do aged makeup first I dressed up

how to do aged makeup first I dressed up like Donald Trump because reasons I

like Donald Trump because reasons I

like Donald Trump because reasons I learned how to do age makeup I wore a

learned how to do age makeup I wore a

learned how to do age makeup I wore a dress made mostly of candy wrappers I

dress made mostly of candy wrappers I

dress made mostly of candy wrappers I dyed my wedding dress pink and helped my

dyed my wedding dress pink and helped my

dyed my wedding dress pink and helped my drag mom compete for a national title I

drag mom compete for a national title I

drag mom compete for a national title I wore a nude cat suit that left nothing

wore a nude cat suit that left nothing

wore a nude cat suit that left nothing to the imagination while four of my best

to the imagination while four of my best

to the imagination while four of my best friends poured 10 gallons at Carrow

friends poured 10 gallons at Carrow

friends poured 10 gallons at Carrow scarab over me I was getting out of the

scarab over me I was getting out of the

scarab over me I was getting out of the house and out of my comfort zone and

house and out of my comfort zone and

house and out of my comfort zone and that part is so important mental illness

that part is so important mental illness

that part is so important mental illness lies to us and says that the world is

lies to us and says that the world is

lies to us and says that the world is too big and scary and that were not

too big and scary and that were not

too big and scary and that were not enough and it’s somehow selfish to have

enough and it’s somehow selfish to have

enough and it’s somehow selfish to have fun and we should just stay home

fun and we should just stay home

fun and we should just stay home Jagr gave me an excuse to go have fun

Jagr gave me an excuse to go have fun

Jagr gave me an excuse to go have fun and quieted the lies that bipolar – you

and quieted the lies that bipolar – you

and quieted the lies that bipolar – you told me that I wasn’t good enough and I

told me that I wasn’t good enough and I

told me that I wasn’t good enough and I wasn’t smart enough and I wasn’t strong

wasn’t smart enough and I wasn’t strong

wasn’t smart enough and I wasn’t strong enough and I went out there and I did it

enough and I went out there and I did it

enough and I went out there and I did it and I left it on the stage so here’s

and I left it on the stage so here’s

and I left it on the stage so here’s what drag has taught me I’ve been

what drag has taught me I’ve been

what drag has taught me I’ve been overweight my entire life I love my

overweight my entire life I love my

overweight my entire life I love my curves but drag queens do not care if

curves but drag queens do not care if

curves but drag queens do not care if you are fat there has never been a you

you are fat there has never been a you

you are fat there has never been a you look fat in that I have worn dresses

look fat in that I have worn dresses

look fat in that I have worn dresses that show my stomach and skirt shorter

that show my stomach and skirt shorter

that show my stomach and skirt shorter than I ever thought I’d wear they don’t

than I ever thought I’d wear they don’t

than I ever thought I’d wear they don’t mind that I can’t dance I will never

mind that I can’t dance I will never

mind that I can’t dance I will never ever be able to twerk no matter how many

ever be able to twerk no matter how many

ever be able to twerk no matter how many lessons I get backstage and that’s fine

lessons I get backstage and that’s fine

lessons I get backstage and that’s fine jag has encouraged me to be more

jag has encouraged me to be more

jag has encouraged me to be more colorful than I already am and I have

colorful than I already am and I have

colorful than I already am and I have embraced the drag motto that you can

embraced the drag motto that you can

embraced the drag motto that you can never have too many rhinestones

never have too many rhinestones

never have too many rhinestones drag has reminded me that performance is

drag has reminded me that performance is

drag has reminded me that performance is something that I missed

something that I missed

something that I missed and that you can never have too much

and that you can never have too much

and that you can never have too much glue or safety pins drag has showed me

glue or safety pins drag has showed me

glue or safety pins drag has showed me that despite my illnesses I am capable

that despite my illnesses I am capable

that despite my illnesses I am capable and stronger than I ever thought I was

and stronger than I ever thought I was

and stronger than I ever thought I was its transformative and magic and I am

its transformative and magic and I am

its transformative and magic and I am made of grit and determination and I am

made of grit and determination and I am

made of grit and determination and I am stronger than the world tells me I am

stronger than the world tells me I am

stronger than the world tells me I am drag has also told me that sometimes you

drag has also told me that sometimes you

drag has also told me that sometimes you could adapt drag makeup for everyday

could adapt drag makeup for everyday

could adapt drag makeup for everyday looks you want to wear glittery

looks you want to wear glittery

looks you want to wear glittery eyeshadow to a Christmas party I’ll show

eyeshadow to a Christmas party I’ll show

eyeshadow to a Christmas party I’ll show you how fake eyelashes are the most

you how fake eyelashes are the most

you how fake eyelashes are the most incredible thing until you step out into

incredible thing until you step out into

incredible thing until you step out into a windstorm in Ohio and then it feels

a windstorm in Ohio and then it feels

a windstorm in Ohio and then it feels like you’re going to fly away but you

like you’re going to fly away but you

like you’re going to fly away but you know what if you’re having a bad day

know what if you’re having a bad day

know what if you’re having a bad day slap them on go to the grocery store

slap them on go to the grocery store

slap them on go to the grocery store feel better so I often wonder you know

feel better so I often wonder you know

feel better so I often wonder you know how people think of me what do they see

how people think of me what do they see

how people think of me what do they see when they look at me I’m a mom I’m an

when they look at me I’m a mom I’m an

when they look at me I’m a mom I’m an activist I’m an overrate woman with

activist I’m an overrate woman with

activist I’m an overrate woman with bipolar disorder and invisible illnesses

bipolar disorder and invisible illnesses

bipolar disorder and invisible illnesses and drag has shown me that all these

and drag has shown me that all these

and drag has shown me that all these facets have been inside myself for so

facets have been inside myself for so

facets have been inside myself for so long and becoming kandi Cates has given

long and becoming kandi Cates has given

long and becoming kandi Cates has given me permission to be this happy person

me permission to be this happy person

me permission to be this happy person that could go out and talk to people and

that could go out and talk to people and

that could go out and talk to people and perform so far out of my comfort zone

drag has become my bliss and my story

drag has become my bliss and my story could have ended in spring of 2012

could have ended in spring of 2012

could have ended in spring of 2012 or could have ended when I didn’t want

or could have ended when I didn’t want

or could have ended when I didn’t want to wear the tight dress or I had to take

to wear the tight dress or I had to take

to wear the tight dress or I had to take the heels off because my feet hurt or

the heels off because my feet hurt or

the heels off because my feet hurt or when I decided that I couldn’t dance and

when I decided that I couldn’t dance and

when I decided that I couldn’t dance and so I wasn’t going to do a show or it

so I wasn’t going to do a show or it

so I wasn’t going to do a show or it could have ended the first time I was so

could have ended the first time I was so

could have ended the first time I was so tired that I had to cancel a show but

tired that I had to cancel a show but

tired that I had to cancel a show but every time I was brave enough to say yes

every time I was brave enough to say yes

every time I was brave enough to say yes the role got a little brighter to say

the role got a little brighter to say

the role got a little brighter to say yes surprise yourself

drag is obviously not a cure-all for

drag is obviously not a cure-all for everyone mental illness but it’s the

everyone mental illness but it’s the

everyone mental illness but it’s the thing that brought me out of a very very

thing that brought me out of a very very

thing that brought me out of a very very dark place it’s also not a cure-all with

dark place it’s also not a cure-all with

dark place it’s also not a cure-all with everyone with RA because it heals but it

everyone with RA because it heals but it

everyone with RA because it heals but it is something that helped me and

is something that helped me and

is something that helped me and encouraged me to get stronger you all

encouraged me to get stronger you all

encouraged me to get stronger you all might have not a found your bliss yet

might have not a found your bliss yet

might have not a found your bliss yet it could be raising goats or painting

it could be raising goats or painting

it could be raising goats or painting midget miniature figurines or rhythm

midget miniature figurines or rhythm

midget miniature figurines or rhythm gymnastics or stamp collecting but

gymnastics or stamp collecting but

gymnastics or stamp collecting but whatever it is it’s out there waiting

whatever it is it’s out there waiting

whatever it is it’s out there waiting for you so don’t be afraid to go out and

for you so don’t be afraid to go out and

for you so don’t be afraid to go out and find it

find it

find it I hope my story helps you find your

I hope my story helps you find your

I hope my story helps you find your bliss where there without the

bliss where there without the

bliss where there without the rhinestones

[Music]

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause]

[Applause] you