our world is fractured by an epidemic of loneliness and I’m not so worried about
loneliness and I’m not so worried about
loneliness and I’m not so worried about the stereotypical recluses and Hermits
the stereotypical recluses and Hermits
the stereotypical recluses and Hermits that we kind of tend to picture when we
that we kind of tend to picture when we
that we kind of tend to picture when we you know think of that word I am more
you know think of that word I am more
you know think of that word I am more worried about the vast majority of us in
worried about the vast majority of us in
worried about the vast majority of us in this room who are lonely and don’t
this room who are lonely and don’t
this room who are lonely and don’t acknowledge it who may not even
acknowledge it who may not even
acknowledge it who may not even recognize it in our lives you know we
recognize it in our lives you know we
recognize it in our lives you know we often think I can’t be lonely I know
often think I can’t be lonely I know
often think I can’t be lonely I know more people than I can keep in touch
more people than I can keep in touch
more people than I can keep in touch with and yet we report feeling largely
with and yet we report feeling largely
with and yet we report feeling largely unknown we know more people than any
unknown we know more people than any
unknown we know more people than any time in history and yet we feel very
time in history and yet we feel very
time in history and yet we feel very much like we have nobody to confide in
much like we have nobody to confide in
much like we have nobody to confide in our social networks just keep growing
our social networks just keep growing
our social networks just keep growing and growing and growing and yes so to to
and growing and growing and yes so to to
and growing and growing and yes so to to our doubts about whether we actually
our doubts about whether we actually
our doubts about whether we actually have a safety net and who would be in it
have a safety net and who would be in it
have a safety net and who would be in it should we need it modern-day loneliness
should we need it modern-day loneliness
should we need it modern-day loneliness is not because we need to interact more
is not because we need to interact more
is not because we need to interact more it’s because we need more intimacy case
it’s because we need more intimacy case
it’s because we need more intimacy case in point I was one of my moments of
in point I was one of my moments of
in point I was one of my moments of loneliness I was actually hanging out
loneliness I was actually hanging out
loneliness I was actually hanging out with five of my closest friends and we
with five of my closest friends and we
with five of my closest friends and we had met on a weekly basis we had taken a
had met on a weekly basis we had taken a
had met on a weekly basis we had taken a few weeks off for the holiday vacation
few weeks off for the holiday vacation
few weeks off for the holiday vacation and we were coming back together and
and we were coming back together and
and we were coming back together and decided to go around the circle and each
decided to go around the circle and each
decided to go around the circle and each give a little update on what life had
give a little update on what life had
give a little update on what life had looked like in the last month and so
looked like in the last month and so
looked like in the last month and so when it got to the fourth person the one
when it got to the fourth person the one
when it got to the fourth person the one right before my turn she said something
right before my turn she said something
right before my turn she said something that reminded somebody of something they
that reminded somebody of something they
that reminded somebody of something they had read which reminded that person of
had read which reminded that person of
had read which reminded that person of something that their sister had said
something that their sister had said
something that their sister had said over the holiday and you know where this
over the holiday and you know where this
over the holiday and you know where this is going the train left the station and
is going the train left the station and
is going the train left the station and I had not shared and I remember thinking
I had not shared and I remember thinking
I had not shared and I remember thinking any minute now one of them is going to
any minute now one of them is going to
any minute now one of them is going to say oh wait we should get back to the
say oh wait we should get back to the
say oh wait we should get back to the sharing so we can hear about Shasta
sharing so we can hear about Shasta
sharing so we can hear about Shasta holiday nope
holiday nope
holiday nope and then somebody looked at her watch
and then somebody looked at her watch
and then somebody looked at her watch and said oh I didn’t realize what time
and said oh I didn’t realize what time
and said oh I didn’t realize what time it was I need to go and I said oh
it was I need to go and I said oh
it was I need to go and I said oh they’re gonna feel so bad when one of
they’re gonna feel so bad when one of
they’re gonna feel so bad when one of them realizes like wait we haven’t heard
them realizes like wait we haven’t heard
them realizes like wait we haven’t heard from Shasta yet and they one-by-one
from Shasta yet and they one-by-one
from Shasta yet and they one-by-one hugged me and we all said goodbye and we
hugged me and we all said goodbye and we
hugged me and we all said goodbye and we left and I got in my car and I was
left and I got in my car and I was
left and I got in my car and I was driving away from time with friends and
driving away from time with friends and
driving away from time with friends and I had this little I don’t know you have
I had this little I don’t know you have
I had this little I don’t know you have this I have a two-year-old bratty voice
this I have a two-year-old bratty voice
this I have a two-year-old bratty voice in my head she’s got pigtails and she
in my head she’s got pigtails and she
in my head she’s got pigtails and she was like all huffy and puffy and was
was like all huffy and puffy and was
was like all huffy and puffy and was like
like
like I can’t believe it seriously you’re the
I can’t believe it seriously you’re the
I can’t believe it seriously you’re the one that’s like facilitating the sharing
one that’s like facilitating the sharing
one that’s like facilitating the sharing time and then they don’t even want to
time and then they don’t even want to
time and then they don’t even want to hear from you you need better friends I
hear from you you need better friends I
hear from you you need better friends I had friends my loneliness wasn’t from
had friends my loneliness wasn’t from
had friends my loneliness wasn’t from lack of friendships my loneliness was
lack of friendships my loneliness was
lack of friendships my loneliness was because I didn’t feel seen and French
because I didn’t feel seen and French
because I didn’t feel seen and French and Missy the closest relationship we
and Missy the closest relationship we
and Missy the closest relationship we have friendship intimacy is where two
have friendship intimacy is where two
have friendship intimacy is where two people both feel seen in a safe and
people both feel seen in a safe and
people both feel seen in a safe and satisfying way I did not feel that and I
satisfying way I did not feel that and I
satisfying way I did not feel that and I am not alone when I asked over six
am not alone when I asked over six
am not alone when I asked over six thousand people in the last couple of
thousand people in the last couple of
thousand people in the last couple of years how fulfilling are your
years how fulfilling are your
years how fulfilling are your friendships on a scale of one to ten
friendships on a scale of one to ten
friendships on a scale of one to ten with ten being the most satisfying how
with ten being the most satisfying how
with ten being the most satisfying how close do you feel with your friends
close do you feel with your friends
close do you feel with your friends think about that number for a second any
think about that number for a second any
think about that number for a second any on any of my surveys anywhere between 50
on any of my surveys anywhere between 50
on any of my surveys anywhere between 50 to 70 percent of us score of five or
to 70 percent of us score of five or
to 70 percent of us score of five or below we are not just leaning toward
below we are not just leaning toward
below we are not just leaning toward dissatisfaction with our closeness of
dissatisfaction with our closeness of
dissatisfaction with our closeness of our relationships we are two to four
our relationships we are two to four
our relationships we are two to four times more likely to put a 1 or 2 than
times more likely to put a 1 or 2 than
times more likely to put a 1 or 2 than we are to say we’re fulfilled with a 9
we are to say we’re fulfilled with a 9
we are to say we’re fulfilled with a 9 or 10 this is a lot of relationship to
or 10 this is a lot of relationship to
or 10 this is a lot of relationship to satisfaction we are hungry for being
satisfaction we are hungry for being
satisfaction we are hungry for being close to each other and contrary to
close to each other and contrary to
close to each other and contrary to popular advice when this loneliness
popular advice when this loneliness
popular advice when this loneliness happens the answer is not go meet more
happens the answer is not go meet more
happens the answer is not go meet more people join a club make new friends the
people join a club make new friends the
people join a club make new friends the answer has actually learned how to
answer has actually learned how to
answer has actually learned how to develop better friendships the vast
develop better friendships the vast
develop better friendships the vast majority of us have never taken a class
majority of us have never taken a class
majority of us have never taken a class on how to build relationships and so I
on how to build relationships and so I
on how to build relationships and so I went and I compiled like when you look
went and I compiled like when you look
went and I compiled like when you look at all the social scientists and what
at all the social scientists and what
at all the social scientists and what they’re studying when they look at what
they’re studying when they look at what
they’re studying when they look at what bonds any two people who we can fight in
bonds any two people who we can fight in
bonds any two people who we can fight in what makes two people best friends how
what makes two people best friends how
what makes two people best friends how what makes for a healthy marriage what
what makes for a healthy marriage what
what makes for a healthy marriage what builds trust three common denominators
builds trust three common denominators
builds trust three common denominators emerge and it’s like a formula you have
emerge and it’s like a formula you have
emerge and it’s like a formula you have to have all three you can’t just have
to have all three you can’t just have
to have all three you can’t just have two of them and so I want to unpack all
two of them and so I want to unpack all
two of them and so I want to unpack all three of these and I use what I call a
three of these and I use what I call a
three of these and I use what I call a friend to Missy triangle so we can see
friend to Missy triangle so we can see
friend to Missy triangle so we can see how they fit together
how they fit together
how they fit together and at the beginning of all of our
and at the beginning of all of our
and at the beginning of all of our relationships the first requirement is
relationships the first requirement is
relationships the first requirement is the letter P and that is positivity
the letter P and that is positivity
the letter P and that is positivity because how many of you will get this
because how many of you will get this
because how many of you will get this morning and thought I wish I just had a
morning and thought I wish I just had a
morning and thought I wish I just had a few more cranky whiny manipulative
few more cranky whiny manipulative
few more cranky whiny manipulative people in my life that made me feel like
people in my life that made me feel like
people in my life that made me feel like I was never doing enough when we want
I was never doing enough when we want
I was never doing enough when we want friendship we want the reward we want
friendship we want the reward we want
friendship we want the reward we want joy we want to feel good we want this
joy we want to feel good we want this
joy we want to feel good we want this comes from smiles and laughter
comes from smiles and laughter
comes from smiles and laughter kindness and acts of service and empathy
kindness and acts of service and empathy
kindness and acts of service and empathy and validation grant of gratitude
and validation grant of gratitude
and validation grant of gratitude affirmation all those things that leave
affirmation all those things that leave
affirmation all those things that leave us feeling accepted and let’s be clear
us feeling accepted and let’s be clear
us feeling accepted and let’s be clear this does not mean we have to be
this does not mean we have to be
this does not mean we have to be Pollyanna we still get to cry on each
Pollyanna we still get to cry on each
Pollyanna we still get to cry on each other’s shoulders and we still get to
other’s shoulders and we still get to
other’s shoulders and we still get to vent and complain but social science is
vent and complain but social science is
vent and complain but social science is telling us that every relationship to
telling us that every relationship to
telling us that every relationship to stay healthy has to have a ratio of 5
stay healthy has to have a ratio of 5
stay healthy has to have a ratio of 5 positive interactions for every negative
positive interactions for every negative
positive interactions for every negative interaction so that means for every
interaction so that means for every
interaction so that means for every withdrawal you’re making from your
withdrawal you’re making from your
withdrawal you’re making from your whining and complaining you have to be
whining and complaining you have to be
whining and complaining you have to be making 5 deposits of joy and reward
making 5 deposits of joy and reward
making 5 deposits of joy and reward requirement for all healthy
requirement for all healthy
requirement for all healthy relationships the second requirement the
relationships the second requirement the
relationships the second requirement the letter C is consistency because we’ve
letter C is consistency because we’ve
letter C is consistency because we’ve all met people we enjoy and are positive
all met people we enjoy and are positive
all met people we enjoy and are positive and have fun being around but if we
and have fun being around but if we
and have fun being around but if we never saw them again
never saw them again
never saw them again that wasn’t a friendship consistency is
that wasn’t a friendship consistency is
that wasn’t a friendship consistency is the hours logged it’s the history we
the hours logged it’s the history we
the hours logged it’s the history we build it’s the time we spend together if
build it’s the time we spend together if
build it’s the time we spend together if we this is where we make rituals and we
we this is where we make rituals and we
we this is where we make rituals and we create patterns we increase our
create patterns we increase our
create patterns we increase our interactions this is where we get to
interactions this is where we get to
interactions this is where we get to know each other
know each other
know each other this is actually but as we put
this is actually but as we put
this is actually but as we put consistent time in together this is
consistent time in together this is
consistent time in together this is actually how we build consistent we
actually how we build consistent we
actually how we build consistent we started knowing what consistent behavior
started knowing what consistent behavior
started knowing what consistent behavior looks like this is where trust happens
looks like this is where trust happens
looks like this is where trust happens this one when we say I want to trust
this one when we say I want to trust
this one when we say I want to trust somebody we don’t ever want to feel like
somebody we don’t ever want to feel like
somebody we don’t ever want to feel like we’re walking on eggshells meaning we
we’re walking on eggshells meaning we
we’re walking on eggshells meaning we don’t know how to predict how you’re
don’t know how to predict how you’re
don’t know how to predict how you’re going to respond we feel safe when we
going to respond we feel safe when we
going to respond we feel safe when we can predict and we can predict why we
can predict and we can predict why we
can predict and we can predict why we have create a pattern and we spend more
have create a pattern and we spend more
have create a pattern and we spend more time with each other this is actually
time with each other this is actually
time with each other this is actually the one that made friendship feel
the one that made friendship feel
the one that made friendship feel automatic when we were kids because
automatic when we were kids because
automatic when we were kids because school was consistent and this is the
school was consistent and this is the
school was consistent and this is the one we still end up building
one we still end up building
one we still end up building relationships at work at school at
relationships at work at school at
relationships at work at school at church and associations because our
church and associations because our
church and associations because our consistency is automatic you would pick
consistency is automatic you would pick
consistency is automatic you would pick those people to be your friends if you
those people to be your friends if you
those people to be your friends if you got a lineup of 20 other options you’re
got a lineup of 20 other options you’re
got a lineup of 20 other options you’re friends with them because you have
friends with them because you have
friends with them because you have consistency with them and you end up
consistency with them and you end up
consistency with them and you end up building these other two components and
building these other two components and
building these other two components and a lot of us have relationships that we
a lot of us have relationships that we
a lot of us have relationships that we enjoy the positivity and that we do
enjoy the positivity and that we do
enjoy the positivity and that we do things on a regular basis but without
things on a regular basis but without
things on a regular basis but without the third requirement it’s not a healthy
the third requirement it’s not a healthy
the third requirement it’s not a healthy friendship and the third requirement is
friendship and the third requirement is
friendship and the third requirement is vulnerability vulnerability is where we
vulnerability vulnerability is where we
vulnerability vulnerability is where we share where we reveal where we let
share where we reveal where we let
share where we reveal where we let people in and let more of us be seen I
people in and let more of us be seen I
people in and let more of us be seen I teach five different types of
teach five different types of
teach five different types of vulnerability in my book but
vulnerability in my book but
vulnerability in my book but face it to say it’s not just sharing the
face it to say it’s not just sharing the
face it to say it’s not just sharing the skeletons in your closet the
skeletons in your closet the
skeletons in your closet the insecurities on the shame it’s also
insecurities on the shame it’s also
insecurities on the shame it’s also talking about what’s going well and your
talking about what’s going well and your
talking about what’s going well and your successes and risk bragging to your
successes and risk bragging to your
successes and risk bragging to your friends it’s also sharing our history
friends it’s also sharing our history
friends it’s also sharing our history our dreams it’s being able to articulate
our dreams it’s being able to articulate
our dreams it’s being able to articulate what we’re feeling and ask for what we
what we’re feeling and ask for what we
what we’re feeling and ask for what we need from somebody else ed is tremendous
need from somebody else ed is tremendous
need from somebody else ed is tremendous vulnerability because at the end of the
vulnerability because at the end of the
vulnerability because at the end of the day for us we want to feel loved and we
day for us we want to feel loved and we
day for us we want to feel loved and we only feel loved if we feel known and we
only feel loved if we feel known and we
only feel loved if we feel known and we can only feel known if we actually share
can only feel known if we actually share
can only feel known if we actually share ourselves do these three make sense
ourselves do these three make sense
ourselves do these three make sense these are the basis of every single
these are the basis of every single
these are the basis of every single relationship you have never built a
relationship you have never built a
relationship you have never built a healthy relationship without these three
healthy relationship without these three
healthy relationship without these three things and I could unpack this triangle
things and I could unpack this triangle
things and I could unpack this triangle for days literally but we were on a
for days literally but we were on a
for days literally but we were on a deadline so the part that a germane to
deadline so the part that a germane to
deadline so the part that a germane to our conversation today is how we can
our conversation today is how we can
our conversation today is how we can know so many people and yet still feel
know so many people and yet still feel
know so many people and yet still feel so lonely and that is because every
so lonely and that is because every
so lonely and that is because every relationship starts on the bottom on our
relationship starts on the bottom on our
relationship starts on the bottom on our foundation of positivity no matter how
foundation of positivity no matter how
foundation of positivity no matter how much you think you like somebody or how
much you think you like somebody or how
much you think you like somebody or how much you want to be your best friend
much you want to be your best friend
much you want to be your best friend with them they all start on the bottom
with them they all start on the bottom
with them they all start on the bottom of the triangle and then our
of the triangle and then our
of the triangle and then our relationships develop as we
relationships develop as we
relationships develop as we incrementally increase our consistency
incrementally increase our consistency
incrementally increase our consistency and our vulnerability in other words the
and our vulnerability in other words the
and our vulnerability in other words the more time we spend the more we get to
more time we spend the more we get to
more time we spend the more we get to know somebody and so therefore some of
know somebody and so therefore some of
know somebody and so therefore some of our relationships will move all the way
our relationships will move all the way
our relationships will move all the way to the top of the triangle but they go
to the top of the triangle but they go
to the top of the triangle but they go up bit by bit so you can see how the
up bit by bit so you can see how the
up bit by bit so you can see how the vast majority of our relationships will
vast majority of our relationships will
vast majority of our relationships will be all up and down this triangle for the
be all up and down this triangle for the
be all up and down this triangle for the ones at the top that is the one that I
ones at the top that is the one that I
ones at the top that is the one that I have found that when we describe being
have found that when we describe being
have found that when we describe being lonely it is for lack of having built
lonely it is for lack of having built
lonely it is for lack of having built this top of our triangle when we are
this top of our triangle when we are
this top of our triangle when we are lonely it is not because we need to add
lonely it is not because we need to add
lonely it is not because we need to add more people to the triangle while some
more people to the triangle while some
more people to the triangle while some of us may be in that situation the most
of us may be in that situation the most
of us may be in that situation the most of us when we’re lonely it is not for
of us when we’re lonely it is not for
of us when we’re lonely it is not for needing to add more people it’s for
needing to add more people it’s for
needing to add more people it’s for actually needing to move some people up
actually needing to move some people up
actually needing to move some people up because remember friendship is not
because remember friendship is not
because remember friendship is not something we discover so I can’t sit
something we discover so I can’t sit
something we discover so I can’t sit there and say oh I have an opening at
there and say oh I have an opening at
there and say oh I have an opening at the top of my triangle let me put out a
the top of my triangle let me put out a
the top of my triangle let me put out a little job hiring sign and audition you
little job hiring sign and audition you
little job hiring sign and audition you and oh you have two kids I only have
and oh you have two kids I only have
and oh you have two kids I only have three I like oh and we play all these
three I like oh and we play all these
three I like oh and we play all these games like oh do a little tap dance oh
games like oh do a little tap dance oh
games like oh do a little tap dance oh she was funny I like her I’m yeah we’re
she was funny I like her I’m yeah we’re
she was funny I like her I’m yeah we’re gonna be best friends we don’t get to
gonna be best friends we don’t get to
gonna be best friends we don’t get to like put people in there based on
like put people in there based on
like put people in there based on whether we like
whether we like
whether we like them this triangle is not about how much
them this triangle is not about how much
them this triangle is not about how much we like somebody this triangle is about
we like somebody this triangle is about
we like somebody this triangle is about how much we practice the three
how much we practice the three
how much we practice the three requirements of friendship with somebody
requirements of friendship with somebody
requirements of friendship with somebody and the only way we get somebody to the
and the only way we get somebody to the
and the only way we get somebody to the top of this triangle is by developing
top of this triangle is by developing
top of this triangle is by developing those relationships by practicing these
those relationships by practicing these
those relationships by practicing these three things so that by the time
three things so that by the time
three things so that by the time somebody’s at the top of the triangle we
somebody’s at the top of the triangle we
somebody’s at the top of the triangle we have been vulnerable we have shown
have been vulnerable we have shown
have been vulnerable we have shown ourselves we have shared our feelings
ourselves we have shared our feelings
ourselves we have shared our feelings and shared our stories we have done
and shared our stories we have done
and shared our stories we have done consistency we have built history and
consistency we have built history and
consistency we have built history and hopefully we’ve even survived some life
hopefully we’ve even survived some life
hopefully we’ve even survived some life changes together so that we have
changes together so that we have
changes together so that we have continued to find new ways of being
continued to find new ways of being
continued to find new ways of being together and we have increased our
together and we have increased our
together and we have increased our positivity so that we know how to love
positivity so that we know how to love
positivity so that we know how to love each other in meaningful and ways for
each other in meaningful and ways for
each other in meaningful and ways for each other that’s the top of the
each other that’s the top of the
each other that’s the top of the triangle and that’s our goal because
triangle and that’s our goal because
triangle and that’s our goal because when we can do that when we have high
when we can do that when we have high
when we can do that when we have high vulnerability then we feel seen when
vulnerability then we feel seen when
vulnerability then we feel seen when we’ve high consistency we feel safe and
we’ve high consistency we feel safe and
we’ve high consistency we feel safe and when we have high positivity we it feel
when we have high positivity we it feel
when we have high positivity we it feel satisfying and that’s what we all want
satisfying and that’s what we all want
satisfying and that’s what we all want and this is what we’re craving and this
and this is what we’re craving and this
and this is what we’re craving and this is what our bodies are literally dying
is what our bodies are literally dying
is what our bodies are literally dying without our physical and mental health
without our physical and mental health
without our physical and mental health is so dependent on our connections dr.
is so dependent on our connections dr.
is so dependent on our connections dr. Ornish says I am not aware of any other
Ornish says I am not aware of any other
Ornish says I am not aware of any other factor in medicine than intimacy and
factor in medicine than intimacy and
factor in medicine than intimacy and love not diet doesn’t matter if you add
love not diet doesn’t matter if you add
love not diet doesn’t matter if you add a green smoothie this morning not
a green smoothie this morning not
a green smoothie this morning not smoking not exercise not stress not
smoking not exercise not stress not
smoking not exercise not stress not genetics not drugs not surgery that has
genetics not drugs not surgery that has
genetics not drugs not surgery that has a greater impact on our quality of life
a greater impact on our quality of life
a greater impact on our quality of life incidence of illness and premature death
incidence of illness and premature death
incidence of illness and premature death from how many causes all in fact if we
from how many causes all in fact if we
from how many causes all in fact if we feel lonely it is as damaging to our
feel lonely it is as damaging to our
feel lonely it is as damaging to our bodies as smoking 15 cigarettes a day it
bodies as smoking 15 cigarettes a day it
bodies as smoking 15 cigarettes a day it is the equivalent of being a life long
is the equivalent of being a life long
is the equivalent of being a life long alcoholic and more harmful than not
alcoholic and more harmful than not
alcoholic and more harmful than not exercising and twice as harmful as
exercising and twice as harmful as
exercising and twice as harmful as obesity let that just sink in for a
obesity let that just sink in for a
obesity let that just sink in for a moment how we answer the question how
moment how we answer the question how
moment how we answer the question how loved and supported do you feel well
loved and supported do you feel well
loved and supported do you feel well tell us more about your health 10 15 20
tell us more about your health 10 15 20
tell us more about your health 10 15 20 years down the road than any other
years down the road than any other
years down the road than any other factor our former US Surgeon General
factor our former US Surgeon General
factor our former US Surgeon General just came out recently with a statement
just came out recently with a statement
just came out recently with a statement in the Harvard Business Review he says
in the Harvard Business Review he says
in the Harvard Business Review he says loneliness is also associated with a
loneliness is also associated with a
loneliness is also associated with a greater risk of cardiovascular disease
greater risk of cardiovascular disease
greater risk of cardiovascular disease dementia depression and anxiety during
dementia depression and anxiety during
dementia depression and anxiety during my years caring for patients the most
my years caring for patients the most
my years caring for patients the most common pathology I saw was not heart
common pathology I saw was not heart
common pathology I saw was not heart disease or diabetes it was what
disease or diabetes it was what
disease or diabetes it was what loneliness and he is joining a
loneliness and he is joining a
loneliness and he is joining a resounding chorus of voices and medicine
resounding chorus of voices and medicine
resounding chorus of voices and medicine and psychology and the social services
and psychology and the social services
and psychology and the social services all saying this is their calling out
all saying this is their calling out
all saying this is their calling out this epidemic truly an epidemic I’m not
this epidemic truly an epidemic I’m not
this epidemic truly an epidemic I’m not up here exaggerating I’ve been known to
up here exaggerating I’ve been known to
up here exaggerating I’ve been known to do that before this is not an
do that before this is not an
do that before this is not an exaggeration in fact some are declaring
exaggeration in fact some are declaring
exaggeration in fact some are declaring this to be the number one public health
this to be the number one public health
this to be the number one public health issue of our time because when you think
issue of our time because when you think
issue of our time because when you think about it it’s bad enough to just think
about it it’s bad enough to just think
about it it’s bad enough to just think about millions of us being lonely
about millions of us being lonely
about millions of us being lonely because that only affects all these
because that only affects all these
because that only affects all these millions of individuals not being as
millions of individuals not being as
millions of individuals not being as happy and as healthy and having as long
happy and as healthy and having as long
happy and as healthy and having as long of lives and feeling a strong of immune
of lives and feeling a strong of immune
of lives and feeling a strong of immune systems as they possibly could but that
systems as they possibly could but that
systems as they possibly could but that also means we have millions of people
also means we have millions of people
also means we have millions of people who are not as practiced at these three
who are not as practiced at these three
who are not as practiced at these three skills as we would want them to be for
skills as we would want them to be for
skills as we would want them to be for solving the problems of our world and
solving the problems of our world and
solving the problems of our world and dreaming up the solutions we desperately
dreaming up the solutions we desperately
dreaming up the solutions we desperately need I can go down a list of as a whole
need I can go down a list of as a whole
need I can go down a list of as a whole other day I could go down a list o of
other day I could go down a list o of
other day I could go down a list o of how every single subject from addiction
how every single subject from addiction
how every single subject from addiction and the opposite of addiction is not
and the opposite of addiction is not
and the opposite of addiction is not sobriety it is connectedness
sobriety it is connectedness
sobriety it is connectedness homelessness you’ve got acts of
homelessness you’ve got acts of
homelessness you’ve got acts of terrorism almost every single major
terrorism almost every single major
terrorism almost every single major problem has at its roots lack of
problem has at its roots lack of
problem has at its roots lack of relationships and almost every dream we
relationships and almost every dream we
relationships and almost every dream we have and ever every idea we want to
have and ever every idea we want to
have and ever every idea we want to accomplish in the business world in the
accomplish in the business world in the
accomplish in the business world in the in the political of well I mean just
in the political of well I mean just
in the political of well I mean just let’s just look at political let’s look
let’s just look at political let’s look
let’s just look at political let’s look at politics and religion for one hot
at politics and religion for one hot
at politics and religion for one hot second here’s two entities that both
second here’s two entities that both
second here’s two entities that both want to be known for bringing people
want to be known for bringing people
want to be known for bringing people together in creating unity and they have
together in creating unity and they have
together in creating unity and they have broken their relationship with the vast
broken their relationship with the vast
broken their relationship with the vast majority of our public for lack of
majority of our public for lack of
majority of our public for lack of vulnerability and positivity we have now
vulnerability and positivity we have now
vulnerability and positivity we have now distrust them and have more fear and
distrust them and have more fear and
distrust them and have more fear and frustration every organization cannot
frustration every organization cannot
frustration every organization cannot accomplish what it’s meant to be doing
accomplish what it’s meant to be doing
accomplish what it’s meant to be doing without knowing how to build the
without knowing how to build the
without knowing how to build the relationships that matter we need to be
relationships that matter we need to be
relationships that matter we need to be a part of this the world needs us
a part of this the world needs us
a part of this the world needs us desperately to know how to be adding
desperately to know how to be adding
desperately to know how to be adding more positivity on a regular basis for
more positivity on a regular basis for
more positivity on a regular basis for our leaders for our customers for our
our leaders for our customers for our
our leaders for our customers for our teams for our students for our children
teams for our students for our children
teams for our students for our children for every single person so that each
for every single person so that each
for every single person so that each person feels seen and valued for who
person feels seen and valued for who
person feels seen and valued for who they
they
they we want to keep just keep repeating this
we want to keep just keep repeating this
we want to keep just keep repeating this cycle these are the things we’re being
cycle these are the things we’re being
cycle these are the things we’re being called to practice these are muscles
called to practice these are muscles
called to practice these are muscles that can be developed and I want to do
that can be developed and I want to do
that can be developed and I want to do this for the world and before I can show
this for the world and before I can show
this for the world and before I can show up in the world and be like we’re here
up in the world and be like we’re here
up in the world and be like we’re here to change the world with love and
to change the world with love and
to change the world with love and meaningful relationships I have to
meaningful relationships I have to
meaningful relationships I have to practice it in my own life so as I was
practice it in my own life so as I was
practice it in my own life so as I was driving home that day and my
driving home that day and my
driving home that day and my two-year-old was just having her a
two-year-old was just having her a
two-year-old was just having her a little pity party and just being like
little pity party and just being like
little pity party and just being like remember you need better friends you are
remember you need better friends you are
remember you need better friends you are too good for these people
too good for these people
too good for these people another little quiet but oh so wise
another little quiet but oh so wise
another little quiet but oh so wise voice was trying to get my attention –
voice was trying to get my attention –
voice was trying to get my attention – she eventually broke through there my
she eventually broke through there my
she eventually broke through there my little sob story and she said you know
little sob story and she said you know
little sob story and she said you know Shasta you could have handled that
Shasta you could have handled that
Shasta you could have handled that differently – it’s like excuse me
differently – it’s like excuse me
differently – it’s like excuse me seriously you’re putting that on me that
seriously you’re putting that on me that
seriously you’re putting that on me that is so not my fault and she was we’re not
is so not my fault and she was we’re not
is so not my fault and she was we’re not talking about fault we’re talking about
talking about fault we’re talking about
talking about fault we’re talking about connection you could have just as easily
connection you could have just as easily
connection you could have just as easily said hey before we talk about X I want
said hey before we talk about X I want
said hey before we talk about X I want to make sure I have a chance to tell you
to make sure I have a chance to tell you
to make sure I have a chance to tell you about Y and you know your friends would
about Y and you know your friends would
about Y and you know your friends would have leaned in have been like oh yes I
have leaned in have been like oh yes I
have leaned in have been like oh yes I mean one thing save her like oh no we
mean one thing save her like oh no we
mean one thing save her like oh no we are purposely trying to not talk have
are purposely trying to not talk have
are purposely trying to not talk have you talked but they would have jumped in
you talked but they would have jumped in
you talked but they would have jumped in leaned in and been present and then you
leaned in and been present and then you
leaned in and been present and then you could be driving home Shasta feeling
could be driving home Shasta feeling
could be driving home Shasta feeling connected instead of licking your
connected instead of licking your
connected instead of licking your imaginary wounds my friends made a
imaginary wounds my friends made a
imaginary wounds my friends made a mistake that happens that’s one act of
mistake that happens that’s one act of
mistake that happens that’s one act of positivity that didn’t feel all that
positivity that didn’t feel all that
positivity that didn’t feel all that great but the end of the day somebody
great but the end of the day somebody
great but the end of the day somebody asking about my life is not one of the
asking about my life is not one of the
asking about my life is not one of the three requirements of relationship what
three requirements of relationship what
three requirements of relationship what is one of the three requirements of
is one of the three requirements of
is one of the three requirements of relationship is both people feeling seen
relationship is both people feeling seen
relationship is both people feeling seen and I had neglected to share at the end
and I had neglected to share at the end
and I had neglected to share at the end of the day that’s an act of
of the day that’s an act of
of the day that’s an act of vulnerability to say I need to speak up
vulnerability to say I need to speak up
vulnerability to say I need to speak up for my needs but that’s a muscle I could
for my needs but that’s a muscle I could
for my needs but that’s a muscle I could have practiced building I can guarantee
have practiced building I can guarantee
have practiced building I can guarantee you that any relationship in your life
you that any relationship in your life
you that any relationship in your life that is not fulfilling it is because at
that is not fulfilling it is because at
that is not fulfilling it is because at least one of these three requirements is
least one of these three requirements is
least one of these three requirements is lacking you can look at any relationship
lacking you can look at any relationship
lacking you can look at any relationship in your life and identify oh yeah that
in your life and identify oh yeah that
in your life and identify oh yeah that one well we hardly ever see each other
one well we hardly ever see each other
one well we hardly ever see each other it always feels good when we’ve got the
it always feels good when we’ve got the
it always feels good when we’ve got the positivity and the yeah but it’s because
positivity and the yeah but it’s because
positivity and the yeah but it’s because we don’t consistency here oh yeah you
we don’t consistency here oh yeah you
we don’t consistency here oh yeah you can kind of quickly start identifying
can kind of quickly start identifying
can kind of quickly start identifying exactly which one of these would make
exactly which one of these would make
exactly which one of these would make the biggest difference for moving your
the biggest difference for moving your
the biggest difference for moving your relation
relation
relation chips your vast network of so many
chips your vast network of so many
chips your vast network of so many people it is not that you are lonely
people it is not that you are lonely
people it is not that you are lonely from lack of people it’s your lonely for
from lack of people it’s your lonely for
from lack of people it’s your lonely for intimacy for intimacy and we have the
intimacy for intimacy and we have the
intimacy for intimacy and we have the power to move those relationships up
power to move those relationships up
power to move those relationships up that loneliness is your body saying I
that loneliness is your body saying I
that loneliness is your body saying I want more connection and that is one of
want more connection and that is one of
want more connection and that is one of the most beautiful messages you could
the most beautiful messages you could
the most beautiful messages you could ever receive why we would feel shame
ever receive why we would feel shame
ever receive why we would feel shame around that is just something I’m trying
around that is just something I’m trying
around that is just something I’m trying to change we should be like oh wow
to change we should be like oh wow
to change we should be like oh wow that’s I want more I want more
that’s I want more I want more
that’s I want more I want more meaningfulness that’s amazing and I hope
meaningfulness that’s amazing and I hope
meaningfulness that’s amazing and I hope today that you now know exactly what
today that you now know exactly what
today that you now know exactly what three things positivity consistency and
three things positivity consistency and
three things positivity consistency and vulnerability that you can practice in
vulnerability that you can practice in
vulnerability that you can practice in order to move yourself to greater
order to move yourself to greater
order to move yourself to greater friends Missy for your sake and for the
friends Missy for your sake and for the
friends Missy for your sake and for the world
world
world [Applause]
[Applause]
[Applause] you
”
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