[Music] [Applause]
my target is the life hiding inside
my target is the life hiding inside others the traumatize the victims who
others the traumatize the victims who
others the traumatize the victims who don’t yet know they’re survivors who
don’t yet know they’re survivors who
don’t yet know they’re survivors who walk around with an intense mostly
walk around with an intense mostly
walk around with an intense mostly overwhelming sense of dread for this
overwhelming sense of dread for this
overwhelming sense of dread for this world and most everything in it told it
world and most everything in it told it
world and most everything in it told it all in their head by the dispassionate
all in their head by the dispassionate
all in their head by the dispassionate trying to help trying trying well they
trying to help trying trying well they
trying to help trying trying well they just helped already because I am tired
just helped already because I am tired
just helped already because I am tired of suffering I am tired of waiting to be
of suffering I am tired of waiting to be
of suffering I am tired of waiting to be what this world wants me to be am I good
what this world wants me to be am I good
what this world wants me to be am I good enough yet can I be worthy why don’t you
enough yet can I be worthy why don’t you
enough yet can I be worthy why don’t you see me why can’t anyone hear me you that
see me why can’t anyone hear me you that
see me why can’t anyone hear me you that life hiding inside you is my target I
life hiding inside you is my target I
life hiding inside you is my target I want to spark it with my words I want
want to spark it with my words I want
want to spark it with my words I want the flames to roar throughout your body
the flames to roar throughout your body
the flames to roar throughout your body the noise almost as bad as the burn
the noise almost as bad as the burn
the noise almost as bad as the burn until it escapes out your mouth and I
until it escapes out your mouth and I
until it escapes out your mouth and I don’t just want your words I want your
don’t just want your words I want your
don’t just want your words I want your voice I want to not only here I want to
voice I want to not only here I want to
voice I want to not only here I want to experience the essence of who you are
experience the essence of who you are
experience the essence of who you are when you speak because when i get
when you speak because when i get
when you speak because when i get desperate for answers i become weak when
desperate for answers i become weak when
desperate for answers i become weak when i think i have to know what’s right my
i think i have to know what’s right my
i think i have to know what’s right my vision fades to binaries gray surrenders
vision fades to binaries gray surrenders
vision fades to binaries gray surrenders to black and white time becomes relevant
to black and white time becomes relevant
to black and white time becomes relevant day and night dark and white fight or
day and night dark and white fight or
day and night dark and white fight or flight fight fight fight fight frozen
flight fight fight fight fight frozen
flight fight fight fight fight frozen stagnant dead those seemingly alive
stagnant dead those seemingly alive
stagnant dead those seemingly alive hello humans and aliens disguised as
hello humans and aliens disguised as
hello humans and aliens disguised as humans my name at this point in my life
humans my name at this point in my life
humans my name at this point in my life is Gork i am a poet and as such I
is Gork i am a poet and as such I
is Gork i am a poet and as such I recognize the various roles i play in
recognize the various roles i play in
recognize the various roles i play in life one such role is assassin as was as
life one such role is assassin as was as
life one such role is assassin as was as was brought out and the poem I just
was brought out and the poem I just
was brought out and the poem I just recited my targets are zombies no
recited my targets are zombies no
recited my targets are zombies no I’m not talking about the brain-eating
I’m not talking about the brain-eating
I’m not talking about the brain-eating Walking Dead zombies we see on TV I’m
Walking Dead zombies we see on TV I’m
Walking Dead zombies we see on TV I’m referring to us humans walking around
referring to us humans walking around
referring to us humans walking around disconnected from the innermost parts of
disconnected from the innermost parts of
disconnected from the innermost parts of ourselves limiting our ability to truly
ourselves limiting our ability to truly
ourselves limiting our ability to truly connect with others it’s as part of us
connect with others it’s as part of us
connect with others it’s as part of us it doesn’t want to be awake or alive the
it doesn’t want to be awake or alive the
it doesn’t want to be awake or alive the denies life enriching experiences for
denies life enriching experiences for
denies life enriching experiences for the sake of an easy and attached life
the sake of an easy and attached life
the sake of an easy and attached life this part of us that’s enslaved by
this part of us that’s enslaved by
this part of us that’s enslaved by stories of unworthiness and addicted to
stories of unworthiness and addicted to
stories of unworthiness and addicted to the emotional response of apathy so what
the emotional response of apathy so what
the emotional response of apathy so what is my greatest weapon when it comes to
is my greatest weapon when it comes to
is my greatest weapon when it comes to facing these zombies creating empowering
facing these zombies creating empowering
facing these zombies creating empowering safer spaces or vulnerable expression I
safer spaces or vulnerable expression I
safer spaces or vulnerable expression I have a passion for unraveling the
have a passion for unraveling the
have a passion for unraveling the stories within me and outside myself or
stories within me and outside myself or
stories within me and outside myself or the sake of understanding and increased
the sake of understanding and increased
the sake of understanding and increased curiosity my tools for gaining a sense
curiosity my tools for gaining a sense
curiosity my tools for gaining a sense of personal freedom when i get these
of personal freedom when i get these
of personal freedom when i get these stories out of my head by writing when i
stories out of my head by writing when i
stories out of my head by writing when i get them onto paper through public
get them onto paper through public
get them onto paper through public expression i become empowered and
expression i become empowered and
expression i become empowered and enlivened because i have a radical
enlivened because i have a radical
enlivened because i have a radical acceptance of these mental processes and
acceptance of these mental processes and
acceptance of these mental processes and also the recognition that i am not these
also the recognition that i am not these
also the recognition that i am not these stories or perceptions i give myself
stories or perceptions i give myself
stories or perceptions i give myself permission to make mistakes but i don’t
permission to make mistakes but i don’t
permission to make mistakes but i don’t leave myself in those mistakes for me
leave myself in those mistakes for me
leave myself in those mistakes for me living consists of stepping outside my
living consists of stepping outside my
living consists of stepping outside my comfort zone into a safe space of
comfort zone into a safe space of
comfort zone into a safe space of learning this safe space is created
learning this safe space is created
learning this safe space is created within by connecting with all the
within by connecting with all the
within by connecting with all the different parts of myself being able to
different parts of myself being able to
different parts of myself being able to name the depression anxiety anger joy I
name the depression anxiety anger joy I
name the depression anxiety anger joy I may experience and being vulnerable and
may experience and being vulnerable and
may experience and being vulnerable and sharing this process with others I’m
sharing this process with others I’m
sharing this process with others I’m inviting them into the safety zone where
inviting them into the safety zone where
inviting them into the safety zone where we can become empowered to have
we can become empowered to have
we can become empowered to have conversations about fearful topics such
conversations about fearful topics such
conversations about fearful topics such as race gender
as race gender
as race gender salt the list goes on we’re creating a
salt the list goes on we’re creating a
salt the list goes on we’re creating a culture of belonging where we can help
culture of belonging where we can help
culture of belonging where we can help one another come to life this is
one another come to life this is
one another come to life this is profound considering that just eight
profound considering that just eight
profound considering that just eight years ago I was on a mission to kill
years ago I was on a mission to kill
years ago I was on a mission to kill myself at 16 years of age I had lost
myself at 16 years of age I had lost
myself at 16 years of age I had lost everything that was once familiar to me
everything that was once familiar to me
everything that was once familiar to me I was no longer taking care of my
I was no longer taking care of my
I was no longer taking care of my meth-addicted alcoholic mother and my
meth-addicted alcoholic mother and my
meth-addicted alcoholic mother and my then emotionally distant twin brother
then emotionally distant twin brother
then emotionally distant twin brother foster care introduced me to adults who
foster care introduced me to adults who
foster care introduced me to adults who could provide food and a physical
could provide food and a physical
could provide food and a physical shelter but were incapable of emotional
shelter but were incapable of emotional
shelter but were incapable of emotional support some even being physically and
support some even being physically and
support some even being physically and emotionally abusive I had never learned
emotionally abusive I had never learned
emotionally abusive I had never learned healthy ways of coping with tremendous
healthy ways of coping with tremendous
healthy ways of coping with tremendous pain and loss so I began cutting myself
pain and loss so I began cutting myself
pain and loss so I began cutting myself the organized religion I was a part of
the organized religion I was a part of
the organized religion I was a part of shamed me for this foster parents
shamed me for this foster parents
shamed me for this foster parents rejected me for the next two years of my
rejected me for the next two years of my
rejected me for the next two years of my life I was forced to take psychiatric
life I was forced to take psychiatric
life I was forced to take psychiatric medication while being bounced around
medication while being bounced around
medication while being bounced around from group home to psych hospital what
from group home to psych hospital what
from group home to psych hospital what was worse than this external reality was
was worse than this external reality was
was worse than this external reality was my internal realm I had convinced myself
my internal realm I had convinced myself
my internal realm I had convinced myself that I was unworthy of love as a way to
that I was unworthy of love as a way to
that I was unworthy of love as a way to try to understand everything happening
try to understand everything happening
try to understand everything happening when this story was confirmed by a
when this story was confirmed by a
when this story was confirmed by a social worker who told me I was foolish
social worker who told me I was foolish
social worker who told me I was foolish for thinking I could find a family to
for thinking I could find a family to
for thinking I could find a family to love me I told myself I would be dead by
love me I told myself I would be dead by
love me I told myself I would be dead by my own hand by the time I was 18 I
my own hand by the time I was 18 I
my own hand by the time I was 18 I genuinely thought this would be best for
genuinely thought this would be best for
genuinely thought this would be best for the world and everyone in it no one
the world and everyone in it no one
the world and everyone in it no one would have to bear the burden of loving
would have to bear the burden of loving
would have to bear the burden of loving such a selfish and disgusting human this
such a selfish and disgusting human this
such a selfish and disgusting human this past version of myself was enslaved by
past version of myself was enslaved by
past version of myself was enslaved by the story of not being worthy of love a
the story of not being worthy of love a
the story of not being worthy of love a story created to help me make sense of
story created to help me make sense of
story created to help me make sense of the lack of belonging in my life I had
the lack of belonging in my life I had
the lack of belonging in my life I had internalized the shame being projected
internalized the shame being projected
internalized the shame being projected on to me
on to me
on to me by disconnected adults following this
by disconnected adults following this
by disconnected adults following this culture of capitalism that tells us
culture of capitalism that tells us
culture of capitalism that tells us repeatedly that we need to prove our
repeatedly that we need to prove our
repeatedly that we need to prove our worth and compete for resources stories
worth and compete for resources stories
worth and compete for resources stories that keep us from working together to
that keep us from working together to
that keep us from working together to get our needs met from being empowered
get our needs met from being empowered
get our needs met from being empowered to learn together
I’m going to go back to the part of my
I’m going to go back to the part of my speech where I say I give myself
speech where I say I give myself
speech where I say I give myself permission to make mistakes and
permission to make mistakes and
permission to make mistakes and throughout my speech I talk about being
throughout my speech I talk about being
throughout my speech I talk about being vulnerable which means being open about
vulnerable which means being open about
vulnerable which means being open about my process like right now this is
my process like right now this is
my process like right now this is terrifying I don’t know what to do with
terrifying I don’t know what to do with
terrifying I don’t know what to do with my arms it’s awkward I I forgot part of
my arms it’s awkward I I forgot part of
my arms it’s awkward I I forgot part of my speech and I’m trying to remember it
my speech and I’m trying to remember it
my speech and I’m trying to remember it I was a human who desperately needed
I was a human who desperately needed
I was a human who desperately needed connection with myself and others but I
connection with myself and others but I
connection with myself and others but I was engaging in behavior that deepened
was engaging in behavior that deepened
was engaging in behavior that deepened my self-hatred and further repelled
my self-hatred and further repelled
my self-hatred and further repelled people away from me this behavior was
people away from me this behavior was
people away from me this behavior was fueled by that story of not being
fueled by that story of not being
fueled by that story of not being lovable and the only place appropriate
lovable and the only place appropriate
lovable and the only place appropriate for me to express my pain was in therapy
for me to express my pain was in therapy
for me to express my pain was in therapy it took time to build a sense of
it took time to build a sense of
it took time to build a sense of connection strong enough to feel safe
connection strong enough to feel safe
connection strong enough to feel safe enough to explore the deep scary parts
enough to explore the deep scary parts
enough to explore the deep scary parts of my subconscious and start unraveling
of my subconscious and start unraveling
of my subconscious and start unraveling those stories that were influencing my
those stories that were influencing my
those stories that were influencing my life when this connection was formed and
life when this connection was formed and
life when this connection was formed and I could talk that therapist client
I could talk that therapist client
I could talk that therapist client relationship was not a community for me
relationship was not a community for me
relationship was not a community for me I didn’t realize it back then but I
I didn’t realize it back then but I
I didn’t realize it back then but I desire to be witnessed by more than just
desire to be witnessed by more than just
desire to be witnessed by more than just a professional getting paid to do so at
a professional getting paid to do so at
a professional getting paid to do so at 18 and a half the final attempt to take
18 and a half the final attempt to take
18 and a half the final attempt to take my life landed me in a Ford a coma when
my life landed me in a Ford a coma when
my life landed me in a Ford a coma when the fog cleared from my brain I met with
the fog cleared from my brain I met with
the fog cleared from my brain I met with the hospital psychiatrist he SAT across
the hospital psychiatrist he SAT across
the hospital psychiatrist he SAT across from me with a large stack of files and
from me with a large stack of files and
from me with a large stack of files and after an uncomfortable silence he spoke
after an uncomfortable silence he spoke
after an uncomfortable silence he spoke what are you wanting I mean I couldn’t
what are you wanting I mean I couldn’t
what are you wanting I mean I couldn’t even carry all of your files with me
even carry all of your files with me
even carry all of your files with me this is your 12th psychiatric facility
this is your 12th psychiatric facility
this is your 12th psychiatric facility you’ve tried countless medications what
you’ve tried countless medications what
you’ve tried countless medications what are you wanting before I could think the
are you wanting before I could think the
are you wanting before I could think the answer left my mouth was such conviction
answer left my mouth was such conviction
answer left my mouth was such conviction it shocked me I want to feel I want to
it shocked me I want to feel I want to
it shocked me I want to feel I want to be human I want that too
be human I want that too
be human I want that too okay fast forward three years of my
okay fast forward three years of my
okay fast forward three years of my first writing workshop entitled
first writing workshop entitled
first writing workshop entitled transforming trauma into triumph the
transforming trauma into triumph the
transforming trauma into triumph the facilitator how does connect with our
facilitator how does connect with our
facilitator how does connect with our six senses touch taste smell sight
six senses touch taste smell sight
six senses touch taste smell sight hearing and feeling using these we wrote
hearing and feeling using these we wrote
hearing and feeling using these we wrote about a joyful triumphant experience
about a joyful triumphant experience
about a joyful triumphant experience than a painful traumatic one I remember
than a painful traumatic one I remember
than a painful traumatic one I remember being so upset by the time this workshop
being so upset by the time this workshop
being so upset by the time this workshop was over a world of stories had been
was over a world of stories had been
was over a world of stories had been awakened within me demanding my
awakened within me demanding my
awakened within me demanding my attention I couldn’t fathom going to any
attention I couldn’t fathom going to any
attention I couldn’t fathom going to any other workshops the next two days when I
other workshops the next two days when I
other workshops the next two days when I told the facilitator about my
told the facilitator about my
told the facilitator about my predicament he replied with keep writing
predicament he replied with keep writing
predicament he replied with keep writing half a year later I dropped out of
half a year later I dropped out of
half a year later I dropped out of college because my mental health had
college because my mental health had
college because my mental health had deteriorated post-traumatic stress
deteriorated post-traumatic stress
deteriorated post-traumatic stress disorder stemming from my childhood and
disorder stemming from my childhood and
disorder stemming from my childhood and teen years encompassed my reality my
teen years encompassed my reality my
teen years encompassed my reality my headspace was not a safe place for me to
headspace was not a safe place for me to
headspace was not a safe place for me to be despite the yoga meditation and time
be despite the yoga meditation and time
be despite the yoga meditation and time spent studying psychology and sociology
spent studying psychology and sociology
spent studying psychology and sociology in college the only relief i found was
in college the only relief i found was
in college the only relief i found was in writing i was able to share my words
in writing i was able to share my words
in writing i was able to share my words with a trusted friend he told me the
with a trusted friend he told me the
with a trusted friend he told me the world needed to hear my voice when I
world needed to hear my voice when I
world needed to hear my voice when I brushed it off with my insecurities he
brushed it off with my insecurities he
brushed it off with my insecurities he said I was selfish for not sharing
said I was selfish for not sharing
said I was selfish for not sharing despite my fear of exposing the inner
despite my fear of exposing the inner
despite my fear of exposing the inner workings of my mind to others I could
workings of my mind to others I could
workings of my mind to others I could see the truth in what he had said just a
see the truth in what he had said just a
see the truth in what he had said just a few months later I was right here in
few months later I was right here in
few months later I was right here in Humboldt County forcing myself to go to
Humboldt County forcing myself to go to
Humboldt County forcing myself to go to music open mics and share my poetry the
music open mics and share my poetry the
music open mics and share my poetry the first few times my nerves got the best
first few times my nerves got the best
first few times my nerves got the best of me and my inside said hello to the
of me and my inside said hello to the
of me and my inside said hello to the inside of a toilet bowl but I still
inside of a toilet bowl but I still
inside of a toilet bowl but I still managed to get on stage and expose
managed to get on stage and expose
managed to get on stage and expose myself I was learning that the brutal
myself I was learning that the brutal
myself I was learning that the brutal process before performing was worth
process before performing was worth
process before performing was worth being embraced by the people listening
being embraced by the people listening
being embraced by the people listening afterwards I had found a community of
afterwards I had found a community of
afterwards I had found a community of creative weirdos who accepted me for who
creative weirdos who accepted me for who
creative weirdos who accepted me for who I was and who I was becoming
I was and who I was becoming
I was and who I was becoming this community grew as I traveled to
this community grew as I traveled to
this community grew as I traveled to beyond academia free school poetry camp
beyond academia free school poetry camp
beyond academia free school poetry camp in Colorado that summer I was so
in Colorado that summer I was so
in Colorado that summer I was so inspired by all of the events centered
inspired by all of the events centered
inspired by all of the events centered around poetry I came back to arcata and
around poetry I came back to arcata and
around poetry I came back to arcata and started hosting what I call human
started hosting what I call human
started hosting what I call human expression open mic what began as a
expression open mic what began as a
expression open mic what began as a venue for spoken word has transformed
venue for spoken word has transformed
venue for spoken word has transformed into a space were courage through
into a space were courage through
into a space were courage through vulnerability makes way for connection
vulnerability makes way for connection
vulnerability makes way for connection with oneself and the others in the room
with oneself and the others in the room
with oneself and the others in the room it’s this connection that creates a
it’s this connection that creates a
it’s this connection that creates a sense of safety within us and the space
sense of safety within us and the space
sense of safety within us and the space around us connecting with ourselves
around us connecting with ourselves
around us connecting with ourselves involves learning radical
involves learning radical
involves learning radical self-acceptance the process of digging
self-acceptance the process of digging
self-acceptance the process of digging up our fears hopes insecurities and
up our fears hopes insecurities and
up our fears hopes insecurities and desires to get to the root of them and
desires to get to the root of them and
desires to get to the root of them and being vulnerable and sharing this
being vulnerable and sharing this
being vulnerable and sharing this process with others we help them connect
process with others we help them connect
process with others we help them connect with themselves and we’re connecting
with themselves and we’re connecting
with themselves and we’re connecting with each other we’re building this
with each other we’re building this
with each other we’re building this culture of belonging where we can be
culture of belonging where we can be
culture of belonging where we can be empowered together we can be vulnerable
empowered together we can be vulnerable
empowered together we can be vulnerable together by being honest about our
together by being honest about our
together by being honest about our struggles and a supportive environment
struggles and a supportive environment
struggles and a supportive environment we learn that it’s okay to have
we learn that it’s okay to have
we learn that it’s okay to have struggles we learn to love our pain as
struggles we learn to love our pain as
struggles we learn to love our pain as much as our joy and to give it all a
much as our joy and to give it all a
much as our joy and to give it all a voice we learn to not create identities
voice we learn to not create identities
voice we learn to not create identities based off the thoughts we have and the
based off the thoughts we have and the
based off the thoughts we have and the emotions we experience being human is
emotions we experience being human is
emotions we experience being human is dynamic and ever-changing we are not our
dynamic and ever-changing we are not our
dynamic and ever-changing we are not our anger our depression our symptoms are
anger our depression our symptoms are
anger our depression our symptoms are stories we can recognize them express
stories we can recognize them express
stories we can recognize them express them release them so we don’t act on
them release them so we don’t act on
them release them so we don’t act on them by working through our fear and
them by working through our fear and
them by working through our fear and being open with other connected humans
being open with other connected humans
being open with other connected humans about our process we become in
about our process we become in
about our process we become in word to create this culture of belonging
word to create this culture of belonging
word to create this culture of belonging by sending out an invitation to deep
by sending out an invitation to deep
by sending out an invitation to deep witnessing and presence in this way we
witnessing and presence in this way we
witnessing and presence in this way we create empowering safer spaces or
create empowering safer spaces or
create empowering safer spaces or vulnerable expression no matter where we
vulnerable expression no matter where we
vulnerable expression no matter where we are and that’s why you got to feel the
are and that’s why you got to feel the
are and that’s why you got to feel the burn of words and write because I’m
burn of words and write because I’m
burn of words and write because I’m gonna tell you it’s all in your head but
gonna tell you it’s all in your head but
gonna tell you it’s all in your head but with passion it’s all in your head that
with passion it’s all in your head that
with passion it’s all in your head that doesn’t make it invalid get it out on
doesn’t make it invalid get it out on
doesn’t make it invalid get it out on paper let the dread go somewhere else
paper let the dread go somewhere else
paper let the dread go somewhere else for a change you deserve a break put a
for a change you deserve a break put a
for a change you deserve a break put a break and hindrance and allow change to
break and hindrance and allow change to
break and hindrance and allow change to happen none of this is happening to you
happen none of this is happening to you
happen none of this is happening to you it’s just happening and our sense of
it’s just happening and our sense of
it’s just happening and our sense of identity takes it personally but the
identity takes it personally but the
identity takes it personally but the paper and pen can handle it the world
paper and pen can handle it the world
paper and pen can handle it the world can stand to hear your voice so stop
can stand to hear your voice so stop
can stand to hear your voice so stop hiding it what might be fire for you is
hiding it what might be fire for you is
hiding it what might be fire for you is a refreshing glass of water to the
a refreshing glass of water to the
a refreshing glass of water to the thirsty and what makes you bleed can for
thirsty and what makes you bleed can for
thirsty and what makes you bleed can for others be a source of healing words are
others be a source of healing words are
others be a source of healing words are God they create and have power they can
God they create and have power they can
God they create and have power they can destroy or impassion they can inflate or
destroy or impassion they can inflate or
destroy or impassion they can inflate or provide humility God doesn’t know what’s
provide humility God doesn’t know what’s
provide humility God doesn’t know what’s right so we learn to bleed we leak our
right so we learn to bleed we leak our
right so we learn to bleed we leak our insecurities onto dead trees and hold it
insecurities onto dead trees and hold it
insecurities onto dead trees and hold it up for the world to see a reflection of
up for the world to see a reflection of
up for the world to see a reflection of hell and then we’re free or that moment
hell and then we’re free or that moment
hell and then we’re free or that moment and this is why I whisper and I speak
and this is why I whisper and I speak
and this is why I whisper and I speak and I exclaim and I yell if you couldn’t
and I exclaim and I yell if you couldn’t
and I exclaim and I yell if you couldn’t tell I’ve been talking to myself on and
tell I’ve been talking to myself on and
tell I’ve been talking to myself on and off this whole time call me crazy but I
off this whole time call me crazy but I
off this whole time call me crazy but I am alive and here to show you how to
am alive and here to show you how to
am alive and here to show you how to bleed because we need more gods
bleed because we need more gods
bleed because we need more gods goddesses empowered beings creating a
goddesses empowered beings creating a
goddesses empowered beings creating a life worth living thank you
life worth living thank you
life worth living thank you [Applause]
[Applause]
[Applause] alright
”
Be First to Comment