[Music] [Laughter]
[Applause]
[Applause] how does a semi closeted bisexual
how does a semi closeted bisexual
how does a semi closeted bisexual teenage girl who has self-harmed has
teenage girl who has self-harmed has
teenage girl who has self-harmed has both anxiety and depression and a broken
both anxiety and depression and a broken
both anxiety and depression and a broken family survive well although it has not
family survive well although it has not
family survive well although it has not been easy today I am fine and I say that
been easy today I am fine and I say that
been easy today I am fine and I say that in the most genuine way I can my parents
in the most genuine way I can my parents
in the most genuine way I can my parents were never married growing up and that
were never married growing up and that
were never married growing up and that was always okay to me but they did both
was always okay to me but they did both
was always okay to me but they did both end up getting married and even crazier
end up getting married and even crazier
end up getting married and even crazier than that in the same year which I was
than that in the same year which I was
than that in the same year which I was so excited about I got to be a flower
so excited about I got to be a flower
so excited about I got to be a flower girl twice in one year that is any
girl twice in one year that is any
girl twice in one year that is any eight-year-old little girl’s dream sixth
eight-year-old little girl’s dream sixth
eight-year-old little girl’s dream sixth grade came along and I was doing fine
grade came along and I was doing fine
grade came along and I was doing fine until my journey truly began when my mom
until my journey truly began when my mom
until my journey truly began when my mom stepdad and I moved from Prairie Village
stepdad and I moved from Prairie Village
stepdad and I moved from Prairie Village Kansas to Eagle Colorado now I had never
Kansas to Eagle Colorado now I had never
Kansas to Eagle Colorado now I had never lived anywhere else in Prairie Village
lived anywhere else in Prairie Village
lived anywhere else in Prairie Village Kansas so this was scary and exciting
Kansas so this was scary and exciting
Kansas so this was scary and exciting and new life in Eagle Colorado is pretty
and new life in Eagle Colorado is pretty
and new life in Eagle Colorado is pretty great until I found out my mom and
great until I found out my mom and
great until I found out my mom and stepdad were getting a divorce I was
stepdad were getting a divorce I was
stepdad were getting a divorce I was devastated and went off to live with my
devastated and went off to live with my
devastated and went off to live with my dad and stepmom in California I had
dad and stepmom in California I had
dad and stepmom in California I had never lived with my dad before during
never lived with my dad before during
never lived with my dad before during the school year so this was a new
the school year so this was a new
the school year so this was a new experience for the both of us all was
experience for the both of us all was
experience for the both of us all was going well and I finished off sixth
going well and I finished off sixth
going well and I finished off sixth grade and decided to do a theater camp
grade and decided to do a theater camp
grade and decided to do a theater camp that summer I was having a great time
that summer I was having a great time
that summer I was having a great time meeting new people loved being on stage
meeting new people loved being on stage
meeting new people loved being on stage but then it was the night before my
but then it was the night before my
but then it was the night before my first performance and I was laying in
first performance and I was laying in
first performance and I was laying in bed and I heard my dad and stepmom
bed and I heard my dad and stepmom
bed and I heard my dad and stepmom screaming at each other in the backyard
screaming at each other in the backyard
screaming at each other in the backyard I heard them come inside and I was in
I heard them come inside and I was in
I heard them come inside and I was in tears
tears
tears I looked at them both in the eyes and
I looked at them both in the eyes and
I looked at them both in the eyes and asked them why are you guys always
asked them why are you guys always
asked them why are you guys always yelling at each other they two were
yelling at each other they two were
yelling at each other they two were getting a divorce
getting a divorce
getting a divorce first my mom now my dad who could be
first my mom now my dad who could be
first my mom now my dad who could be next since neither of my parents were in
next since neither of my parents were in
next since neither of my parents were in a situation suitable for me to be living
a situation suitable for me to be living
a situation suitable for me to be living with them I was back to Prairie Village
with them I was back to Prairie Village
with them I was back to Prairie Village Kansas with my grandparents now at 7th
Kansas with my grandparents now at 7th
Kansas with my grandparents now at 7th grade and it’s going alright of course
grade and it’s going alright of course
grade and it’s going alright of course but I know we’re teenagers you know how
but I know we’re teenagers you know how
but I know we’re teenagers you know how we can be on the phone with my mom she
we can be on the phone with my mom she
we can be on the phone with my mom she could tell something wasn’t quite right
could tell something wasn’t quite right
could tell something wasn’t quite right with me and so I was off to the doctor
with me and so I was off to the doctor
with me and so I was off to the doctor and got put on medication life still
and got put on medication life still
and got put on medication life still felt like a bit of a drag but with the
felt like a bit of a drag but with the
felt like a bit of a drag but with the Midd medication it made it a little bit
Midd medication it made it a little bit
Midd medication it made it a little bit easier to put on a smile now it’s the
easier to put on a smile now it’s the
easier to put on a smile now it’s the summer before ninth grade and I am so
summer before ninth grade and I am so
summer before ninth grade and I am so excited because I am moving back to
excited because I am moving back to
excited because I am moving back to Colorado to live with my mom I have a
Colorado to live with my mom I have a
Colorado to live with my mom I have a new bedroom I’m about to start high
new bedroom I’m about to start high
new bedroom I’m about to start high school and I’m back home so ninth grade
school and I’m back home so ninth grade
school and I’m back home so ninth grade is going on freshman year was pretty
is going on freshman year was pretty
is going on freshman year was pretty great now its 10th grade I’m starting to
great now its 10th grade I’m starting to
great now its 10th grade I’m starting to have some problems I did not know one
have some problems I did not know one
have some problems I did not know one person could produce so many tears so
person could produce so many tears so
person could produce so many tears so many days in a row
whenever someone asked me how I was
whenever someone asked me how I was feeling I responded with a simple fine
feeling I responded with a simple fine
feeling I responded with a simple fine but what does fine mean sometimes people
but what does fine mean sometimes people
but what does fine mean sometimes people say that word and they mean it they are
say that word and they mean it they are
say that word and they mean it they are feeling great other times people say the
feeling great other times people say the
feeling great other times people say the word fine and they use it as a mask to
word fine and they use it as a mask to
word fine and they use it as a mask to cover up their true emotions Junior here
cover up their true emotions Junior here
cover up their true emotions Junior here comes along life is still hard why am i
comes along life is still hard why am i
comes along life is still hard why am i crying every day why don’t I feel safe
crying every day why don’t I feel safe
crying every day why don’t I feel safe in my own bed I went to I went to school
in my own bed I went to I went to school
in my own bed I went to I went to school life was good but the path I was on was
life was good but the path I was on was
life was good but the path I was on was not a good one
not a good one
not a good one I was ditching classes avoiding the
I was ditching classes avoiding the
I was ditching classes avoiding the reality of my grades putting on a fake
reality of my grades putting on a fake
reality of my grades putting on a fake smile every morning and cutting myself
smile every morning and cutting myself
smile every morning and cutting myself now I never understood how someone could
now I never understood how someone could
now I never understood how someone could be so cruel to him or herself that they
be so cruel to him or herself that they
be so cruel to him or herself that they would physically bring pain I did not
would physically bring pain I did not
would physically bring pain I did not understand until I reached that point in
understand until I reached that point in
understand until I reached that point in my life I did not understand how
my life I did not understand how
my life I did not understand how necessary it felt until I reached that
necessary it felt until I reached that
necessary it felt until I reached that point I started by simply scratching
point I started by simply scratching
point I started by simply scratching myself with pencils and pins and
myself with pencils and pins and
myself with pencils and pins and scissors but it wasn’t enough eventually
scissors but it wasn’t enough eventually
scissors but it wasn’t enough eventually I started using blades and I would watch
I started using blades and I would watch
I started using blades and I would watch the blood drip out of my skin I would
the blood drip out of my skin I would
the blood drip out of my skin I would not flinch I would not cry in those
not flinch I would not cry in those
not flinch I would not cry in those moments I was strong and I was powerful
moments I was strong and I was powerful
moments I was strong and I was powerful nothing and nobody was going to stop me
nothing and nobody was going to stop me
nothing and nobody was going to stop me I did not care if I had to wear long
I did not care if I had to wear long
I did not care if I had to wear long sleeves every day if it made me feel
sleeves every day if it made me feel
sleeves every day if it made me feel fine it became an addiction an obsession
fine it became an addiction an obsession
fine it became an addiction an obsession I knew it was wrong but I did not care I
I knew it was wrong but I did not care I
I knew it was wrong but I did not care I could not bring myself to stop on top of
could not bring myself to stop on top of
could not bring myself to stop on top of all these emotions I was having I was
all these emotions I was having I was
all these emotions I was having I was hiding a girlfriend from my family yes I
hiding a girlfriend from my family yes I
hiding a girlfriend from my family yes I said girlfriend not boyfriend girlfriend
said girlfriend not boyfriend girlfriend
said girlfriend not boyfriend girlfriend one day I was sitting in class and I got
one day I was sitting in class and I got
one day I was sitting in class and I got a text from my
a text from my
a text from my it simply said are you and her more than
it simply said are you and her more than
it simply said are you and her more than just friends oh gosh
just friends oh gosh
just friends oh gosh I panicked what was she going to think
I panicked what was she going to think
I panicked what was she going to think of me was she going to judge me or was
of me was she going to judge me or was
of me was she going to judge me or was she going to think nothing of it I
she going to think nothing of it I
she going to think nothing of it I responded with a timid yes but just to
responded with a timid yes but just to
responded with a timid yes but just to throw her off I sent her a picture of my
throw her off I sent her a picture of my
throw her off I sent her a picture of my arm with cuts on it from the night
arm with cuts on it from the night
arm with cuts on it from the night before way to be subtle Skylar so now my
before way to be subtle Skylar so now my
before way to be subtle Skylar so now my mom knows I have a girlfriend and that
mom knows I have a girlfriend and that
mom knows I have a girlfriend and that I’m wildly depressed it came as a relief
I’m wildly depressed it came as a relief
I’m wildly depressed it came as a relief to me that my mom was fully accepting of
to me that my mom was fully accepting of
to me that my mom was fully accepting of my relationship and was only concerned
my relationship and was only concerned
my relationship and was only concerned for my well-being and health that night
for my well-being and health that night
for my well-being and health that night we had a hard talk but we had to make
we had a hard talk but we had to make
we had a hard talk but we had to make some changes one of the decisions that
some changes one of the decisions that
some changes one of the decisions that were made was to switch my medication
were made was to switch my medication
were made was to switch my medication maybe the one I was on was not affecting
maybe the one I was on was not affecting
maybe the one I was on was not affecting me in the right way so I switched
me in the right way so I switched
me in the right way so I switched medication but about a week later I was
medication but about a week later I was
medication but about a week later I was in the hospital it was not an allergic
in the hospital it was not an allergic
in the hospital it was not an allergic reaction it was nothing of the sort
reaction it was nothing of the sort
reaction it was nothing of the sort On January 16 2016 I woke up home alone
On January 16 2016 I woke up home alone
On January 16 2016 I woke up home alone I have looked over at my nightstand and
I have looked over at my nightstand and
I have looked over at my nightstand and saw my pill bottle sitting there and I
saw my pill bottle sitting there and I
saw my pill bottle sitting there and I wanted to swallow everything inside of
wanted to swallow everything inside of
wanted to swallow everything inside of them I dumped the pills out onto my bed
them I dumped the pills out onto my bed
them I dumped the pills out onto my bed and continued getting ready for the day
and continued getting ready for the day
and continued getting ready for the day considering I had work in just a few
considering I had work in just a few
considering I had work in just a few hours I walked past them unable to avoid
hours I walked past them unable to avoid
hours I walked past them unable to avoid them they were staring at me finally I
them they were staring at me finally I
them they were staring at me finally I could not take it anymore I filled up my
could not take it anymore I filled up my
could not take it anymore I filled up my blue cup with the pink straw and started
blue cup with the pink straw and started
blue cup with the pink straw and started taking the pill
taking the pill
taking the pill two at a time until there were none left
two at a time until there were none left
two at a time until there were none left I went off to work and when co-workers
I went off to work and when co-workers
I went off to work and when co-workers asked how I was doing I responded with a
asked how I was doing I responded with a
asked how I was doing I responded with a simple fine and a slight smile now it
simple fine and a slight smile now it
simple fine and a slight smile now it has been about an hour into my workday
has been about an hour into my workday
has been about an hour into my workday and as you can imagine I am not feeling
and as you can imagine I am not feeling
and as you can imagine I am not feeling like myself I am dizzy and I am tired
like myself I am dizzy and I am tired
like myself I am dizzy and I am tired and I don’t feel like I should I brush
and I don’t feel like I should I brush
and I don’t feel like I should I brush it off and now it’s two hours into my
it off and now it’s two hours into my
it off and now it’s two hours into my workday and I cannot take it anymore I
workday and I cannot take it anymore I
workday and I cannot take it anymore I look at one of my co-workers and tell
look at one of my co-workers and tell
look at one of my co-workers and tell her what had happened she calmly brought
her what had happened she calmly brought
her what had happened she calmly brought me to the back and called poison control
me to the back and called poison control
me to the back and called poison control who then directed her to call 911
who then directed her to call 911
who then directed her to call 911 ambulance arrived and I was flooded with
ambulance arrived and I was flooded with
ambulance arrived and I was flooded with questions and I could not hold it in
questions and I could not hold it in
questions and I could not hold it in anymore
anymore
anymore I was brought to tears what did you take
I was brought to tears what did you take
I was brought to tears what did you take how much why all these questions that I
how much why all these questions that I
how much why all these questions that I did not want to answer they then brought
did not want to answer they then brought
did not want to answer they then brought me to the ambulance and attached me to
me to the ambulance and attached me to
me to the ambulance and attached me to an IV and on the way to the hospital two
an IV and on the way to the hospital two
an IV and on the way to the hospital two of my co-workers were following me and
of my co-workers were following me and
of my co-workers were following me and trying to get a hold of my mom who still
trying to get a hold of my mom who still
trying to get a hold of my mom who still does not know what has happened when
does not know what has happened when
does not know what has happened when they finally got ahold of my mom she
they finally got ahold of my mom she
they finally got ahold of my mom she rushed down the mountain where she was
rushed down the mountain where she was
rushed down the mountain where she was working to meet us at the hospital they
working to meet us at the hospital they
working to meet us at the hospital they were unable to pump my stomach due to
were unable to pump my stomach due to
were unable to pump my stomach due to the fact that they found out too late so
the fact that they found out too late so
the fact that they found out too late so they simply put me on an IV and
they simply put me on an IV and
they simply put me on an IV and monitored my vitals as the day went on I
monitored my vitals as the day went on I
monitored my vitals as the day went on I met with a social worker and had to
met with a social worker and had to
met with a social worker and had to relive the day over again
relive the day over again
relive the day over again step-by-step-by-step came as a relief
step-by-step-by-step came as a relief
step-by-step-by-step came as a relief that I got to go that home that night
that I got to go that home that night
that I got to go that home that night with my
with my
with my and I was so happy but then the next
and I was so happy but then the next
and I was so happy but then the next morning I woke up and I realized what I
morning I woke up and I realized what I
morning I woke up and I realized what I had just done I was overwhelmed and
had just done I was overwhelmed and
had just done I was overwhelmed and escaped and scared and I did not know
escaped and scared and I did not know
escaped and scared and I did not know what to do next
what to do next
what to do next so I began researching how to fix myself
according to research from UCLA people
according to research from UCLA people cope with negative emotions in all sorts
cope with negative emotions in all sorts
cope with negative emotions in all sorts of ways some of them including humor
of ways some of them including humor
of ways some of them including humor some being exorcised some talking to a
some being exorcised some talking to a
some being exorcised some talking to a counselor and so many more so naturally
counselor and so many more so naturally
counselor and so many more so naturally I did all of them at the same time I
I did all of them at the same time I
I did all of them at the same time I played my guitar every night I wrote in
played my guitar every night I wrote in
played my guitar every night I wrote in my journal I was drawing I was talking
my journal I was drawing I was talking
my journal I was drawing I was talking to people I started to eat healthier but
to people I started to eat healthier but
to people I started to eat healthier but then it became too much and once again I
then it became too much and once again I
then it became too much and once again I was on the ground feeling lost I had to
was on the ground feeling lost I had to
was on the ground feeling lost I had to take another step back and it felt like
take another step back and it felt like
take another step back and it felt like a failure but this was the important
a failure but this was the important
a failure but this was the important step most important step back I have
step most important step back I have
step most important step back I have taken yet I had to ask myself what makes
taken yet I had to ask myself what makes
taken yet I had to ask myself what makes me feel good what makes me happy the
me feel good what makes me happy the
me feel good what makes me happy the only thing that kept popping into my
only thing that kept popping into my
only thing that kept popping into my mind was music so I continued to play my
mind was music so I continued to play my
mind was music so I continued to play my guitar it kept my hands occupied so that
guitar it kept my hands occupied so that
guitar it kept my hands occupied so that I was not cutting myself and it kept my
I was not cutting myself and it kept my
I was not cutting myself and it kept my mind focused on top of playing my guitar
mind focused on top of playing my guitar
mind focused on top of playing my guitar I would write and draw and talk to my
I would write and draw and talk to my
I would write and draw and talk to my mom but this time separately I began to
mom but this time separately I began to
mom but this time separately I began to feel a lot better but it still wasn’t
feel a lot better but it still wasn’t
feel a lot better but it still wasn’t easy but nothing in life is what seemed
easy but nothing in life is what seemed
easy but nothing in life is what seemed to be most important in my personal
to be most important in my personal
to be most important in my personal coping mechanisms was that my hands were
coping mechanisms was that my hands were
coping mechanisms was that my hands were occupied so that I was able to avoid a
occupied so that I was able to avoid a
occupied so that I was able to avoid a razor blade
in life you have pushbacks and you have
in life you have pushbacks and you have challenges but as a it is important to
challenges but as a it is important to
challenges but as a it is important to know that no matter what stops you that
know that no matter what stops you that
know that no matter what stops you that you are not a failure and that you can
you are not a failure and that you can
you are not a failure and that you can get back up I stand here today
get back up I stand here today
get back up I stand here today and I am continuing to work on being
and I am continuing to work on being
and I am continuing to work on being fine and accepting my emotions and it
fine and accepting my emotions and it
fine and accepting my emotions and it has not been easy there have been hard
has not been easy there have been hard
has not been easy there have been hard days terrible nights and long long weeks
days terrible nights and long long weeks
days terrible nights and long long weeks but I am here today as I stand here in
but I am here today as I stand here in
but I am here today as I stand here in front of you I have a hope for all of
front of you I have a hope for all of
front of you I have a hope for all of you I hope that you can find acceptance
you I hope that you can find acceptance
you I hope that you can find acceptance within yourself I hope that you are able
within yourself I hope that you are able
within yourself I hope that you are able to accept your emotions I hope you know
to accept your emotions I hope you know
to accept your emotions I hope you know you are loved you are cared for and you
you are loved you are cared for and you
you are loved you are cared for and you are important I hope you are able to
are important I hope you are able to
are important I hope you are able to take a step back and be okay with what
take a step back and be okay with what
take a step back and be okay with what you are feeling but most important of
you are feeling but most important of
you are feeling but most important of all I hope you truly feel fine of high
all I hope you truly feel fine of high
all I hope you truly feel fine of high quality thank you for letting me share
quality thank you for letting me share
quality thank you for letting me share with you my journey as a semi closeted
with you my journey as a semi closeted
with you my journey as a semi closeted bisexual teenage girl who has
bisexual teenage girl who has
bisexual teenage girl who has self-harmed has both anxiety and
self-harmed has both anxiety and
self-harmed has both anxiety and depression and a broken family I am fine
depression and a broken family I am fine
depression and a broken family I am fine and you can be too
”
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