we could tell you what happened to us but that wouldn’t be our story
but that wouldn’t be our story
but that wouldn’t be our story you see trauma is about losing track of
you see trauma is about losing track of
you see trauma is about losing track of the narrative that you tell about
the narrative that you tell about
the narrative that you tell about yourself so today we are choosing our
yourself so today we are choosing our
yourself so today we are choosing our story rather than letting our traumas
story rather than letting our traumas
story rather than letting our traumas define us this is a story about coming
define us this is a story about coming
define us this is a story about coming out and choosing love I was terrified of
out and choosing love I was terrified of
out and choosing love I was terrified of the closet when I was little at night I
the closet when I was little at night I
the closet when I was little at night I would shut my closet door tight and tuck
would shut my closet door tight and tuck
would shut my closet door tight and tuck the corners of my blankets up under my
the corners of my blankets up under my
the corners of my blankets up under my body so none of the monsters that lived
body so none of the monsters that lived
body so none of the monsters that lived in the shadows could get to me growing
in the shadows could get to me growing
in the shadows could get to me growing up in the rural Midwest I felt something
up in the rural Midwest I felt something
up in the rural Midwest I felt something was wrong with me from as early as I can
was wrong with me from as early as I can
was wrong with me from as early as I can remember I thought that in order to be
remember I thought that in order to be
remember I thought that in order to be loved I needed to become someone other
loved I needed to become someone other
loved I needed to become someone other than my real self so I changed like
than my real self so I changed like
than my real self so I changed like Harry Potter I pulled on an invisibility
Harry Potter I pulled on an invisibility
Harry Potter I pulled on an invisibility cloak to keep my inner self safe and
cloak to keep my inner self safe and
cloak to keep my inner self safe and hidden while presenting a more durable
hidden while presenting a more durable
hidden while presenting a more durable likable mask to the world when I was 16
likable mask to the world when I was 16
likable mask to the world when I was 16 I realized I was gay
I realized I was gay
I realized I was gay which explained some of the isolation
which explained some of the isolation
which explained some of the isolation and inauthenticity I felt there were
and inauthenticity I felt there were
and inauthenticity I felt there were almost no out queer people in my
almost no out queer people in my
almost no out queer people in my environment and the ones that existed
environment and the ones that existed
environment and the ones that existed were ostracized and mocked trapped
were ostracized and mocked trapped
were ostracized and mocked trapped inside the closet I felt like I had
inside the closet I felt like I had
inside the closet I felt like I had become the shadow monster so I tried to
become the shadow monster so I tried to
become the shadow monster so I tried to escape I got out of my small town and I
escape I got out of my small town and I
escape I got out of my small town and I was able to come out to be gay and
was able to come out to be gay and
was able to come out to be gay and accepted but I still couldn’t be myself
accepted but I still couldn’t be myself
accepted but I still couldn’t be myself all those years of fear and shame had
all those years of fear and shame had
all those years of fear and shame had caused me to build a closet inside me
caused me to build a closet inside me
caused me to build a closet inside me and to shut away my own authentic self
and to shut away my own authentic self
and to shut away my own authentic self since I was young
since I was young
since I was young I saw my mom as the iconic strong black
I saw my mom as the iconic strong black
I saw my mom as the iconic strong black woman continually hit with adversity
woman continually hit with adversity
woman continually hit with adversity fighting on with a big beautiful smile
fighting on with a big beautiful smile
fighting on with a big beautiful smile on her face she taught me that the world
on her face she taught me that the world
on her face she taught me that the world wasn’t just I would need to be twice as
wasn’t just I would need to be twice as
wasn’t just I would need to be twice as strong twice as smart and worked twice
strong twice as smart and worked twice
strong twice as smart and worked twice as hard to excel instead of turning a
as hard to excel instead of turning a
as hard to excel instead of turning a blind eye to oppression I was taught how
blind eye to oppression I was taught how
blind eye to oppression I was taught how to transmute myself from a victim to a
to transmute myself from a victim to a
to transmute myself from a victim to a hero by helping others
hero by helping others
hero by helping others I was defined by my ability to integrate
I was defined by my ability to integrate
I was defined by my ability to integrate traumatic experience as fuel to the fire
traumatic experience as fuel to the fire
traumatic experience as fuel to the fire in my pursuit of justice but the night I
in my pursuit of justice but the night I
in my pursuit of justice but the night I was raped I was drinking and I blamed
was raped I was drinking and I blamed
was raped I was drinking and I blamed myself I didn’t feel like the strong
myself I didn’t feel like the strong
myself I didn’t feel like the strong person that I hadn’t raised pee so I
person that I hadn’t raised pee so I
person that I hadn’t raised pee so I pretended that nothing happened it was
pretended that nothing happened it was
pretended that nothing happened it was about a year before I admitted the truth
about a year before I admitted the truth
about a year before I admitted the truth and I expected myself to have already
and I expected myself to have already
and I expected myself to have already healed to have accepted what happened
healed to have accepted what happened
healed to have accepted what happened and be ready to support and educate
and be ready to support and educate
and be ready to support and educate others I expected myself to sacrifice my
others I expected myself to sacrifice my
others I expected myself to sacrifice my time my energy and my well-being to try
time my energy and my well-being to try
time my energy and my well-being to try to make things better not just for other
to make things better not just for other
to make things better not just for other survivors but for fellow queer people
survivors but for fellow queer people
survivors but for fellow queer people and for people of color as well I was
and for people of color as well I was
and for people of color as well I was not a victim I was a survivor advocate
not a victim I was a survivor advocate
not a victim I was a survivor advocate but I was doing too much I was trying to
but I was doing too much I was trying to
but I was doing too much I was trying to fix things outside of myself trying to
fix things outside of myself trying to
fix things outside of myself trying to fix things for other people in order to
fix things for other people in order to
fix things for other people in order to prove that I was strong and proud and
prove that I was strong and proud and
prove that I was strong and proud and not broken by my trauma the pressure
not broken by my trauma the pressure
not broken by my trauma the pressure builds until finally my mental health
builds until finally my mental health
builds until finally my mental health collapsed and I was hospitalized for
collapsed and I was hospitalized for
collapsed and I was hospitalized for post-traumatic stress disorder we both
post-traumatic stress disorder we both
post-traumatic stress disorder we both realized that if we wanted to dismantle
realized that if we wanted to dismantle
realized that if we wanted to dismantle rape culture and anti clearness we
rape culture and anti clearness we
rape culture and anti clearness we needed to start with the ways that we
needed to start with the ways that we
needed to start with the ways that we had internalized these beliefs ourselves
had internalized these beliefs ourselves
had internalized these beliefs ourselves our journey of redemption did not
our journey of redemption did not
our journey of redemption did not require big external foes to defeat or
require big external foes to defeat or
require big external foes to defeat or other victims to be saved
other victims to be saved
other victims to be saved instead we needed to learn to become our
instead we needed to learn to become our
instead we needed to learn to become our own protagonists we started by choosing
own protagonists we started by choosing
own protagonists we started by choosing to love each other instead of trying to
to love each other instead of trying to
to love each other instead of trying to find stability we went on a journey
find stability we went on a journey
find stability we went on a journey through 28 States and four countries in
through 28 States and four countries in
through 28 States and four countries in the hopes of discovering true love it
the hopes of discovering true love it
the hopes of discovering true love it was a leap of faith but we were both at
was a leap of faith but we were both at
was a leap of faith but we were both at our breaking points and this quest gave
our breaking points and this quest gave
our breaking points and this quest gave us a reason to live it wasn’t easy there
us a reason to live it wasn’t easy there
us a reason to live it wasn’t easy there were lots of reasons to give up and many
were lots of reasons to give up and many
were lots of reasons to give up and many times we almost did but we decided but
times we almost did but we decided but
times we almost did but we decided but no matter what we would find ourselves
no matter what we would find ourselves
no matter what we would find ourselves together at the end of the road along
together at the end of the road along
together at the end of the road along the journey
the journey
the journey Nastasia taught me the difference
Nastasia taught me the difference
Nastasia taught me the difference between cathexis and love many people
between cathexis and love many people
between cathexis and love many people mistake the two but cathexis is more
mistake the two but cathexis is more
mistake the two but cathexis is more like attachment or a desire to possess
like attachment or a desire to possess
like attachment or a desire to possess or control another person
or control another person
or control another person it’s actually it’s a projection of what
it’s actually it’s a projection of what
it’s actually it’s a projection of what you want them to be which turns quickly
you want them to be which turns quickly
you want them to be which turns quickly to coercion and resentment when they
to coercion and resentment when they
to coercion and resentment when they turn out to be themselves after all
turn out to be themselves after all
turn out to be themselves after all cathexis is a foundation for abuse not
cathexis is a foundation for abuse not
cathexis is a foundation for abuse not love I was coming from a definition of
love I was coming from a definition of
love I was coming from a definition of love as supporting someone in their
love as supporting someone in their
love as supporting someone in their process of becoming it’s a genuine
process of becoming it’s a genuine
process of becoming it’s a genuine investment in the care and growth of the
investment in the care and growth of the
investment in the care and growth of the person you love as bell hooks would put
person you love as bell hooks would put
person you love as bell hooks would put it love is accepting someone no matter
it love is accepting someone no matter
it love is accepting someone no matter what it’s unconditional
what it’s unconditional
what it’s unconditional Nastasia showed me that I’m loved just
Nastasia showed me that I’m loved just
Nastasia showed me that I’m loved just because I exist I don’t need to become
because I exist I don’t need to become
because I exist I don’t need to become anyone other than Who I am to deserve
anyone other than Who I am to deserve
anyone other than Who I am to deserve that love and I realized that I was
that love and I realized that I was
that love and I realized that I was trying to prove that I deserved love by
trying to prove that I deserved love by
trying to prove that I deserved love by sacrificing myself to the needs of my
sacrificing myself to the needs of my
sacrificing myself to the needs of my partner and my community I needed to
partner and my community I needed to
partner and my community I needed to turn that love on myself learning to
turn that love on myself learning to
turn that love on myself learning to love each other to accept each other no
love each other to accept each other no
love each other to accept each other no matter what was the Silver Bullet to the
matter what was the Silver Bullet to the
matter what was the Silver Bullet to the internalized shame we each held from our
internalized shame we each held from our
internalized shame we each held from our time in the closet from our traumas
time in the closet from our traumas
time in the closet from our traumas that’s where a creative writing came in
that’s where a creative writing came in
that’s where a creative writing came in it was a space for us to process what
it was a space for us to process what
it was a space for us to process what was going on and to imagine different
was going on and to imagine different
was going on and to imagine different ways of being our writing gave us a
ways of being our writing gave us a
ways of being our writing gave us a space to engage deeper in things and in
space to engage deeper in things and in
space to engage deeper in things and in doing that we got to know each other and
doing that we got to know each other and
doing that we got to know each other and ourselves a lot better as we built
ourselves a lot better as we built
ourselves a lot better as we built confidence we actually shared the
confidence we actually shared the
confidence we actually shared the stories we had written with the world
stories we had written with the world
stories we had written with the world after our inner journey coming out into
after our inner journey coming out into
after our inner journey coming out into the world again was really scary because
the world again was really scary because
the world again was really scary because the more we were able to authentically
the more we were able to authentically
the more we were able to authentically express ourselves to each other the
express ourselves to each other the
express ourselves to each other the clearer it became that that’s not how
clearer it became that that’s not how
clearer it became that that’s not how people usually act even when you value
people usually act even when you value
people usually act even when you value your own story and are able to
your own story and are able to
your own story and are able to understand and accept yourself society
understand and accept yourself society
understand and accept yourself society is not going to change overnight and
is not going to change overnight and
is not going to change overnight and those things that caused you to feel
those things that caused you to feel
those things that caused you to feel ashamed in the first place are going to
ashamed in the first place are going to
ashamed in the first place are going to continue to exist and even intensify the
continue to exist and even intensify the
continue to exist and even intensify the more you exist in spite of them since
more you exist in spite of them since
more you exist in spite of them since trauma is about losing track of your
trauma is about losing track of your
trauma is about losing track of your narrative finding and believing your
narrative finding and believing your
narrative finding and believing your story is what it takes to heal sharing
story is what it takes to heal sharing
story is what it takes to heal sharing your story and valuing the story of
your story and valuing the story of
your story and valuing the story of others actually pushes directly back
others actually pushes directly back
others actually pushes directly back against violence and creates models of
against violence and creates models of
against violence and creates models of self-acceptance for others in our work
self-acceptance for others in our work
self-acceptance for others in our work with students and survivors of violence
with students and survivors of violence
with students and survivors of violence we’ve
we’ve
we’ve that lots of young people lack models of
that lots of young people lack models of
that lots of young people lack models of intimacy and self-expression that feel
intimacy and self-expression that feel
intimacy and self-expression that feel honest and genuine that that relate to
honest and genuine that that relate to
honest and genuine that that relate to their own lives we’re at a loss and we
their own lives we’re at a loss and we
their own lives we’re at a loss and we need to create these models for
need to create these models for
need to create these models for ourselves sexual education is supposed
ourselves sexual education is supposed
ourselves sexual education is supposed to prepare young people to develop
to prepare young people to develop
to prepare young people to develop healthy sexual and gender expression
healthy sexual and gender expression
healthy sexual and gender expression show of hands who here learned what they
show of hands who here learned what they
show of hands who here learned what they needed to in sex education sexual
needed to in sex education sexual
needed to in sex education sexual education in the United States has not
education in the United States has not
education in the United States has not been about giving young people the tools
been about giving young people the tools
been about giving young people the tools we need to understand our bodies and our
we need to understand our bodies and our
we need to understand our bodies and our lives it’s been ideologically motivated
lives it’s been ideologically motivated
lives it’s been ideologically motivated with the goals of abstinence and
with the goals of abstinence and
with the goals of abstinence and heterosexuality American sex ed has used
heterosexuality American sex ed has used
heterosexuality American sex ed has used shame and scare tactics to try to limit
shame and scare tactics to try to limit
shame and scare tactics to try to limit and control young people’s sexuality but
and control young people’s sexuality but
and control young people’s sexuality but when you demonize queerness and present
when you demonize queerness and present
when you demonize queerness and present sex as dangerous it creates a culture of
sex as dangerous it creates a culture of
sex as dangerous it creates a culture of shame and victim blaming this is the
shame and victim blaming this is the
shame and victim blaming this is the core of a rape culture a culture of
core of a rape culture a culture of
core of a rape culture a culture of violence where people choose to impose
violence where people choose to impose
violence where people choose to impose their will over another’s in our culture
their will over another’s in our culture
their will over another’s in our culture rape survivors have higher rates of
rape survivors have higher rates of
rape survivors have higher rates of lifelong post-traumatic stress disorder
lifelong post-traumatic stress disorder
lifelong post-traumatic stress disorder than combat veterans one in five women
than combat veterans one in five women
than combat veterans one in five women is sexually assaulted during their time
is sexually assaulted during their time
is sexually assaulted during their time at college lesbian gay and bisexual
at college lesbian gay and bisexual
at college lesbian gay and bisexual students are two times as likely to be
students are two times as likely to be
students are two times as likely to be sexually assaulted as their heterosexual
sexually assaulted as their heterosexual
sexually assaulted as their heterosexual classmates and thirty to forty percent
classmates and thirty to forty percent
classmates and thirty to forty percent of LGBT youth have already attempted
of LGBT youth have already attempted
of LGBT youth have already attempted suicide when we understood the origin of
suicide when we understood the origin of
suicide when we understood the origin of these problems we realize the the
these problems we realize the the
these problems we realize the the stories we had been writing in our
stories we had been writing in our
stories we had been writing in our personal process had greater relevance
personal process had greater relevance
personal process had greater relevance stories about people like us people we
stories about people like us people we
stories about people like us people we identify with and relate to made a big
identify with and relate to made a big
identify with and relate to made a big difference in the lives of the young
difference in the lives of the young
difference in the lives of the young people we shared them with so we
people we shared them with so we
people we shared them with so we collected the stories we had written
collected the stories we had written
collected the stories we had written into a book millennial sex education and
into a book millennial sex education and
into a book millennial sex education and we used it as a guide for conversation
we used it as a guide for conversation
we used it as a guide for conversation with survivors of violence and youth we
with survivors of violence and youth we
with survivors of violence and youth we have a different vision of comprehensive
have a different vision of comprehensive
have a different vision of comprehensive sex education we use fictional
sex education we use fictional
sex education we use fictional storytelling to inspire personal sharing
storytelling to inspire personal sharing
storytelling to inspire personal sharing and authentic dialogue dissolving the
and authentic dialogue dissolving the
and authentic dialogue dissolving the stigma and shame at the foundation of
stigma and shame at the foundation of
stigma and shame at the foundation of rape culture comprehensive sex education
rape culture comprehensive sex education
rape culture comprehensive sex education should balance the mental emotional
should balance the mental emotional
should balance the mental emotional physical and so
physical and so
physical and so aspects of sexuality empowering people
aspects of sexuality empowering people
aspects of sexuality empowering people to make informed choices and giving us
to make informed choices and giving us
to make informed choices and giving us the skills to protect ourselves while
the skills to protect ourselves while
the skills to protect ourselves while respecting the rights of others we
respecting the rights of others we
respecting the rights of others we brought this message to students from
brought this message to students from
brought this message to students from over 40 universities and high schools
over 40 universities and high schools
over 40 universities and high schools around the United States as well as to
around the United States as well as to
around the United States as well as to change making communities around the
change making communities around the
change making communities around the world this is how participants responded
world this is how participants responded
world this is how participants responded to millennial sex education workshops in
to millennial sex education workshops in
to millennial sex education workshops in their own words 92 percent of
their own words 92 percent of
their own words 92 percent of participants said that our program was
participants said that our program was
participants said that our program was better than other sex education they had
better than other sex education they had
better than other sex education they had received and 100 percent would recommend
received and 100 percent would recommend
received and 100 percent would recommend it to a friend we’re providing a
it to a friend we’re providing a
it to a friend we’re providing a foundation for young people to
foundation for young people to
foundation for young people to understand what it means to developed
understand what it means to developed
understand what it means to developed maturity to empathize with people that
maturity to empathize with people that
maturity to empathize with people that are different from them and to imagine
are different from them and to imagine
are different from them and to imagine ways of being that they haven’t yet
ways of being that they haven’t yet
ways of being that they haven’t yet allowed themselves to imagine access to
allowed themselves to imagine access to
allowed themselves to imagine access to information that we need to make
information that we need to make
information that we need to make informed choices about our bodies and
informed choices about our bodies and
informed choices about our bodies and futures is a fundamental human right
futures is a fundamental human right
futures is a fundamental human right that’s why our stories as well as
that’s why our stories as well as
that’s why our stories as well as questions for reflection are available
questions for reflection are available
questions for reflection are available for free download on our website as well
for free download on our website as well
for free download on our website as well as in print when any one story is erased
as in print when any one story is erased
as in print when any one story is erased when ways of being are lost we’re ending
when ways of being are lost we’re ending
when ways of being are lost we’re ending entire worlds the stories that are
entire worlds the stories that are
entire worlds the stories that are erased from society are so often the
erased from society are so often the
erased from society are so often the missing link to understanding our
missing link to understanding our
missing link to understanding our collective struggles and challenges it’s
collective struggles and challenges it’s
collective struggles and challenges it’s not just the things we fear that are
not just the things we fear that are
not just the things we fear that are hiding in the shadows we also have a
hiding in the shadows we also have a
hiding in the shadows we also have a golden shadow hiding away the things
golden shadow hiding away the things
golden shadow hiding away the things that are too beautifully complex for us
that are too beautifully complex for us
that are too beautifully complex for us to accept holding unimaginable power for
to accept holding unimaginable power for
to accept holding unimaginable power for transformation the voices and stories
transformation the voices and stories
transformation the voices and stories that are shamed and rejected by society
that are shamed and rejected by society
that are shamed and rejected by society the people that are told not to exist
the people that are told not to exist
the people that are told not to exist are not powerless we are powerful beyond
are not powerless we are powerful beyond
are not powerless we are powerful beyond measure what it means to practice
measure what it means to practice
measure what it means to practice consent on a daily basis is to choose to
consent on a daily basis is to choose to
consent on a daily basis is to choose to see beauty and humanity in one another
see beauty and humanity in one another
see beauty and humanity in one another especially when that’s challenged a
especially when that’s challenged a
especially when that’s challenged a culture of consent is a culture of
culture of consent is a culture of
culture of consent is a culture of unconditional love of empathy and of
unconditional love of empathy and of
unconditional love of empathy and of listening to each other stories together
listening to each other stories together
listening to each other stories together we can cultivate a culture of consent
”
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