I discovered Renata at five, six years of age.
It was at the time that I was as a pre-student
and I had to pick the most beautiful person in the classroom.
I chose the most handsome boy in the classroom,
and there, at that moment,
I discovered that people looked at me with a look of strangeness,
as if I were wrong, and it was something that, for me,
it was the highest purity I had in my heart.
And I could not define myself at that age, anyway.
At nine, I fell in love; those platonic loves.
I wrote a letter to this boy,
only that I never got to deliver this letter,
and it was kept in my books.
My mother had me when I was 18 years old. I’m an only child.
And she found that letter.
When she found this letter, she started to read to me.
and in the letter I spoke clearly that it was from a boy I was enjoying.
There have always been gays in my house,
but as a child I thought that all gays would become women;
an example Roberta Close, in short, Silvio Santos …
But I did not understand they were men.
They were half-doomed, like, ashamed of being women,
because to me
when you find yourself gay, you would become a woman,
there was no such grandiosity that it is today,
of “n” gays, “n” women, “n” trans, anyway,
Then, when my mother asked me why everything was in the male gender,
I lied to her.
I said that, in fact, it was a mistake, that there was not an “o”, it was an “a”.
That, inside me, hurt me a lot, with me,
not by lying,
but because I’m holding me in here, you know,
because I could not let it go to my mother.
In the beginning of life, what most represents you is your mother, right?
And then, at [my] thirteenth, she died.
When I lost my mother, I felt I had no more barriers.
I had no more to be afraid of.
I was in seventh, eighth grade, I was college junior high school president,
only that, from there, on vacation, I came back blonde, with painted nails.
In this, I lost my best friend,
I lost my social network of friends until,
who shared with me that moment of group work,
and in that I felt that, indeed,
it was at that moment that I needed to express myself, you know,
show society what I was.
My father had a great fear, in fact,
that I was “trans”
in the legend in which this word is encompassed,
which is the underworld, prostitution,
everything that people think is a trans.
And, actually, we’re like nobody else here, right?
Hence, he was afraid of the tapas that I would take in life,
not the tapas he was going to give me, anyway, because he did not give me.
He said, “I love you and I will always love you, regardless.”
Thank God, my family is wonderful and that’s why I’m here too.
Then, at age 13, I went to live with my grandmother.
I lived with my grandmother until I was 18 years old.
I started working at night, in São Paulo,
and I began to do some jobs with fashion,
because, even wanting to get away from the story that every gay is a hairdresser,
or makeup artist, or works with fashion,
I always liked the image, I always found interesting photography,
I always liked “shape”, I always liked modeling.
I’ve always been very lucky to have good friends,
and they were pointing me to the right places,
But anyway,
I still had that doubt about where I fit, you know?
“What am I? I’m an androgynist?
Am I just a gay?
Am I just trans?
Am I just ‘crossdresser’? “
I think we always seek, in fact, what we are,
and this is crazy because, in fact, you seek what you are for the other,
and not for you, right?
In fact, you already know what you are.
It’s that people ask you for an explanation about it,
and has no explanation.
At age 18,
I was going to stop receiving the pension I had for my mother’s death,
and I had to pay my bills.
I said, “There! You screwed up, right?
Like, I’m going to have to be a program girl. “
Nothing against; I have several friends, and all wonderful,
but I did not know how to play this game.
I call the gifts of God that I …
This one even today is a gift from God,
a gift from the universe, anyway, it’s a gift to be here,
and it was what I had at age 18,
that I went to work with a plastic artist.
She was opening a store, I worked with her for five years,
and she taught me basically everything in my life,
and taught me to be what I am.
I worked with her for five years,
I became a very good retailer.
I was happy to sell, you know?
Like, I did not sell something that would not look good on you.
I could have this intimacy.
That was for years, like this, you know?
But then, the time comes when you have to turn around and say,
“OK, I won, it’s all right, I can pay my bills,
but and now?”
It’s you get out of the comfort zone there.
It is you to rediscover yourself.
I arrived at my father once again,
and I asked him … I did not ask, I already said:
“Dad, I’m going to quit my job.”
I was working on a very well-established brand in the retail market.
And he was startled at first and said:
“Mine, but you’re 30, right? What are you going to do?”, Anyway.
I spent three months “breathing”.
Only, in the first month, I breathed very well …
In the second month, the bills kept coming.
A friend of mine who has a communication agency,
I sent him an e-mail saying:
“Look, I work with fashion, I already know the media,
I know the producers …
This is my market, that’s what I like to do. “
I think, above all else,
you have to find out what you like to do,
because perrengue you will get anywhere.
What will make a difference is your love for that, right?
Hence, he responded by giving me a fashion production job,
in an agency where I wanted to work a lot,
but even so, I still did not fit into all those bubbles
and labels that are given,
and I do not fit today either.
I will not say that I am not an activist.
I do not participate in any pro-trans, pro-homosexual NGOs, anyway.
My activism is to wake up, to exist,
is to look in the mirror and see that I’m fine and that’s alright,
that I’m going to have to make a brush, I’ll have to not do, anyway,
a normal person.
Is it you walk down the street and receive this feedback, but know how to filter it,
because not every opinion of the other is important to you.
So, I think, actually …
Nowadays, I am 34 years old, I work with this same agency,
doing what I love.
I was not the obvious, you know?
It was not the thing people are accustomed to putting on and talking about:
“Look, you’re white, tall and blonde. You’re going to be a model,”
“Ah, you’re black, from the hill. You’re going to be a football player.”
No, I think the obvious is you doing it, it’s you who believes in him.
and if you do not find your bubble, if you do not find your label,
create a, believe in you,
have it as your greatest duty, you know.
Look at you, find out and go after what you want,
because only then will you be able to be happy,
because with others it is not so.
It is. It is a pleasure to be here.
(Applause)
These are beautiful stories.
Thank you for being here and being a part of it.
(Applause)
”
Be First to Comment