as I push my card up to the register and began unloading my groceries the cashier
began unloading my groceries the cashier
began unloading my groceries the cashier flashed me an uneasy smile she seemed a
flashed me an uneasy smile she seemed a
flashed me an uneasy smile she seemed a little taken aback by the TR perched
little taken aback by the TR perched
little taken aback by the TR perched atop my head at seven o’clock in the
atop my head at seven o’clock in the
atop my head at seven o’clock in the morning if you saw me in the grocery
morning if you saw me in the grocery
morning if you saw me in the grocery store or out in public at a park and I
store or out in public at a park and I
store or out in public at a park and I was wearing this tiara would you stare
was wearing this tiara would you stare
was wearing this tiara would you stare at me
at me
at me would you look away more importantly
would you look away more importantly
would you look away more importantly would you ask me about it isn’t that how
would you ask me about it isn’t that how
would you ask me about it isn’t that how we all look or look away from cuts and
we all look or look away from cuts and
we all look or look away from cuts and bruises from scars from violence and
bruises from scars from violence and
bruises from scars from violence and abuse if someone cries in public we look
abuse if someone cries in public we look
abuse if someone cries in public we look away and we say we don’t wish to
away and we say we don’t wish to
away and we say we don’t wish to embarrass the person who’s crying but I
embarrass the person who’s crying but I
embarrass the person who’s crying but I think a deeper truth is that it’s just
think a deeper truth is that it’s just
think a deeper truth is that it’s just too hard it gets uncomfortable over the
too hard it gets uncomfortable over the
too hard it gets uncomfortable over the years I’ve learned that I’m allowed to
years I’ve learned that I’m allowed to
years I’ve learned that I’m allowed to talk about having a rough childhood or a
talk about having a rough childhood or a
talk about having a rough childhood or a bad marriage as long as I don’t go too
bad marriage as long as I don’t go too
bad marriage as long as I don’t go too deeply into the details I’m allowed to
deeply into the details I’m allowed to
deeply into the details I’m allowed to talk about the weather
talk about the weather
talk about the weather maybe sports conform color inside the
maybe sports conform color inside the
maybe sports conform color inside the lines
lines
lines keep it calm keep it without detail
keep it calm keep it without detail
keep it calm keep it without detail sometimes it’s sit down and shut up I’m
sometimes it’s sit down and shut up I’m
sometimes it’s sit down and shut up I’m not supposed to write about ugly things
not supposed to write about ugly things
not supposed to write about ugly things or stand in front of people and talk
or stand in front of people and talk
or stand in front of people and talk about violence abuse and rape and I’m
about violence abuse and rape and I’m
about violence abuse and rape and I’m especially especially not supposed to
especially especially not supposed to
especially especially not supposed to draw attention to myself
draw attention to myself
draw attention to myself by wearing a sparkling tiara in public
but I I was born a feisty spunky warrior
but I I was born a feisty spunky warrior princess with the whole world laid out
princess with the whole world laid out
princess with the whole world laid out before me full of possibility and I’ve
before me full of possibility and I’ve
before me full of possibility and I’ve been on a journey in the last several
been on a journey in the last several
been on a journey in the last several years to reclaim all of that possibility
in 1997 my ex-husband had a bullet with
in 1997 my ex-husband had a bullet with my name on it if he couldn’t have me no
my name on it if he couldn’t have me no
my name on it if he couldn’t have me no one would by the end of that night
one would by the end of that night
one would by the end of that night though he was dead and not me and there
though he was dead and not me and there
though he was dead and not me and there ended our eight-year marriage nine years
ended our eight-year marriage nine years
ended our eight-year marriage nine years together and 22 years for me of living
together and 22 years for me of living
together and 22 years for me of living in darkness for the first 22 years of my
in darkness for the first 22 years of my
in darkness for the first 22 years of my life I was the victim of child abuse and
life I was the victim of child abuse and
life I was the victim of child abuse and sexual assault at the hands of people
sexual assault at the hands of people
sexual assault at the hands of people who were supposed to love me in my rush
who were supposed to love me in my rush
who were supposed to love me in my rush to get away from that abuse at home I
to get away from that abuse at home I
to get away from that abuse at home I ran straight into a violent marriage out
ran straight into a violent marriage out
ran straight into a violent marriage out of the frying pan and into the fire as
of the frying pan and into the fire as
of the frying pan and into the fire as they say we met when he was 17 and I was
they say we met when he was 17 and I was
they say we met when he was 17 and I was 13 when I was 14 I became pregnant we
13 when I was 14 I became pregnant we
13 when I was 14 I became pregnant we got married and I gave birth to our
got married and I gave birth to our
got married and I gave birth to our first child it was a big year the next
first child it was a big year the next
first child it was a big year the next several years would bring two more
several years would bring two more
several years would bring two more children a whole lot of pain and a life
children a whole lot of pain and a life
children a whole lot of pain and a life of uncertainty throughout our marriage
of uncertainty throughout our marriage
of uncertainty throughout our marriage he hurt me he called me names in every
he hurt me he called me names in every
he hurt me he called me names in every possible way that he could hurt me he
possible way that he could hurt me he
possible way that he could hurt me he hit me he controlled me and he used up
hit me he controlled me and he used up
hit me he controlled me and he used up every single one of my teenage years the
every single one of my teenage years the
every single one of my teenage years the first time I decided to wear a tiara in
first time I decided to wear a tiara in
first time I decided to wear a tiara in public was when I had what I’ve come to
public was when I had what I’ve come to
public was when I had what I’ve come to call a breakthrough though
call a breakthrough though
call a breakthrough though the time when I was paralyzed with fear
the time when I was paralyzed with fear
the time when I was paralyzed with fear and doubt and didn’t want to go on I
and doubt and didn’t want to go on I
and doubt and didn’t want to go on I thought it was a breakdown but it was a
thought it was a breakdown but it was a
thought it was a breakdown but it was a breakthrough for me because I was
breakthrough for me because I was
breakthrough for me because I was finally stepping into my own darkness my
finally stepping into my own darkness my
finally stepping into my own darkness my own pain I was finally saying I’m ready
own pain I was finally saying I’m ready
own pain I was finally saying I’m ready to deal with the first 22 years of my
to deal with the first 22 years of my
to deal with the first 22 years of my life of abuse of sexual assault of
life of abuse of sexual assault of
life of abuse of sexual assault of violence again all at the hands of
violence again all at the hands of
violence again all at the hands of people who told me they loved me
people who told me they loved me
people who told me they loved me now it was a little confusing to have
now it was a little confusing to have
now it was a little confusing to have this break down as I called it at the
this break down as I called it at the
this break down as I called it at the time because my life was so much
time because my life was so much
time because my life was so much different I was happily remarried no
different I was happily remarried no
different I was happily remarried no longer abused and things were different
longer abused and things were different
longer abused and things were different for me all the way around except I
for me all the way around except I
for me all the way around except I realized that in 1997 it’s like that
realized that in 1997 it’s like that
realized that in 1997 it’s like that bullet hit me anyway I wasn’t living I
bullet hit me anyway I wasn’t living I
bullet hit me anyway I wasn’t living I was going through the motions on
was going through the motions on
was going through the motions on autopilot I was breathing and I was
autopilot I was breathing and I was
autopilot I was breathing and I was getting up every day and doing what I
getting up every day and doing what I
getting up every day and doing what I should do as a mother and a wife and
should do as a mother and a wife and
should do as a mother and a wife and sometimes as a friend but I sabotage
sometimes as a friend but I sabotage
sometimes as a friend but I sabotage most of those relationships and that’s
most of those relationships and that’s
most of those relationships and that’s what I was doing I wasn’t giving myself
what I was doing I wasn’t giving myself
what I was doing I wasn’t giving myself the opportunity to live and to do and
the opportunity to live and to do and
the opportunity to live and to do and yet I wanted to walk other people
yet I wanted to walk other people
yet I wanted to walk other people through their darkness and I wasn’t
through their darkness and I wasn’t
through their darkness and I wasn’t willing to face my own so the tiara
willing to face my own so the tiara
willing to face my own so the tiara became this symbol of reclamation of
became this symbol of reclamation of
became this symbol of reclamation of self because as I was going through my
self because as I was going through my
self because as I was going through my counseling I realized I was just trying
counseling I realized I was just trying
counseling I realized I was just trying to take back what others had taken from
to take back what others had taken from
to take back what others had taken from me I wasn’t changing I wasn’t going
me I wasn’t changing I wasn’t going
me I wasn’t changing I wasn’t going through counseling to change who I was I
through counseling to change who I was I
through counseling to change who I was I was trying to reclaim everything
was trying to reclaim everything
was trying to reclaim everything everything everyone had tried to take
everything everyone had tried to take
everything everyone had tried to take from me that’s mine I get to be me this
from me that’s mine I get to be me this
from me that’s mine I get to be me this tiara became that symbol for me and so I
tiara became that symbol for me and so I
tiara became that symbol for me and so I decided to wear to the grocery store one
decided to wear to the grocery store one
decided to wear to the grocery store one day just to see what might happen if we
day just to see what might happen if we
day just to see what might happen if we engaged in an uncomfortable situation
engaged in an uncomfortable situation
engaged in an uncomfortable situation and an uncomfortable conversation
and an uncomfortable conversation
and an uncomfortable conversation and what happened was people could
and what happened was people could
and what happened was people could either not stop staring or they couldn’t
either not stop staring or they couldn’t
either not stop staring or they couldn’t stop trying to not stare but keep
stop trying to not stare but keep
stop trying to not stare but keep looking at me but no one asked me why
looking at me but no one asked me why
looking at me but no one asked me why are you wearing a tiara at the grocery
are you wearing a tiara at the grocery
are you wearing a tiara at the grocery store and I thought about how
store and I thought about how
store and I thought about how uncomfortable it made people just to
uncomfortable it made people just to
uncomfortable it made people just to even make eye contact with me and how
even make eye contact with me and how
even make eye contact with me and how that was just like all the times I had
that was just like all the times I had
that was just like all the times I had worn my pain physically with bruises or
worn my pain physically with bruises or
worn my pain physically with bruises or tears when it looked like I couldn’t
tears when it looked like I couldn’t
tears when it looked like I couldn’t keep it together
keep it together
keep it together because one wrong move just might bring
because one wrong move just might bring
because one wrong move just might bring the whole house down for me I would get
the whole house down for me I would get
the whole house down for me I would get in trouble people could not make eye
in trouble people could not make eye
in trouble people could not make eye contact with me
contact with me
contact with me this tiara makes people uncomfortable
this tiara makes people uncomfortable
this tiara makes people uncomfortable talking about child abuse sexual assault
talking about child abuse sexual assault
talking about child abuse sexual assault rape it makes people uncomfortable and I
rape it makes people uncomfortable and I
rape it makes people uncomfortable and I get it I absolutely get it but here’s
get it I absolutely get it but here’s
get it I absolutely get it but here’s the thing we have to get uncomfortable
the thing we have to get uncomfortable
the thing we have to get uncomfortable we have to get uncomfortable if we’re
we have to get uncomfortable if we’re
we have to get uncomfortable if we’re going to step into somebody’s darkness
going to step into somebody’s darkness
going to step into somebody’s darkness and say I’m here I see you I’m here for
and say I’m here I see you I’m here for
and say I’m here I see you I’m here for you we have to get uncomfortable if
you we have to get uncomfortable if
you we have to get uncomfortable if we’re gonna say to someone I’m here to
we’re gonna say to someone I’m here to
we’re gonna say to someone I’m here to help you and I’m ready to walk this
help you and I’m ready to walk this
help you and I’m ready to walk this journey with you we have to get
journey with you we have to get
journey with you we have to get uncomfortable if we’re gonna ask
uncomfortable if we’re gonna ask
uncomfortable if we’re gonna ask somebody how they’re doing and then stay
somebody how they’re doing and then stay
somebody how they’re doing and then stay for the answer
for the answer
for the answer beyond I’m fine when I was living in my
beyond I’m fine when I was living in my
beyond I’m fine when I was living in my darkness every once in a while I could
darkness every once in a while I could
darkness every once in a while I could see somebody just step a little bit in
see somebody just step a little bit in
see somebody just step a little bit in and look and peek in and can I help you
and look and peek in and can I help you
and look and peek in and can I help you but when I wasn’t willing to come out of
but when I wasn’t willing to come out of
but when I wasn’t willing to come out of the darkness easily they would back away
the darkness easily they would back away
the darkness easily they would back away now I’m not blaming anyone at all you
now I’m not blaming anyone at all you
now I’m not blaming anyone at all you might have had to pull me kicking and
might have had to pull me kicking and
might have had to pull me kicking and screaming because I didn’t know anything
screaming because I didn’t know anything
screaming because I didn’t know anything different in life but what I’m saying is
different in life but what I’m saying is
different in life but what I’m saying is few ventured into the journey of walking
few ventured into the journey of walking
few ventured into the journey of walking into those dark places with me to say I
into those dark places with me to say I
into those dark places with me to say I to me and I’m here for you to me and
to me and I’m here for you to me and
to me and I’m here for you to me and that’s what I want to do for others
that’s what I want to do for others
that’s what I want to do for others several years ago I met a young woman
several years ago I met a young woman
several years ago I met a young woman and she would come into work and she
and she would come into work and she
and she would come into work and she would look like she was carrying the
would look like she was carrying the
would look like she was carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders and
weight of the world on her shoulders and
weight of the world on her shoulders and as it turns out she absolutely was now I
as it turns out she absolutely was now I
as it turns out she absolutely was now I don’t know if it’s because the wounded
don’t know if it’s because the wounded
don’t know if it’s because the wounded can recognize the wounded but I felt her
can recognize the wounded but I felt her
can recognize the wounded but I felt her pain so deeply in my heart and I could
pain so deeply in my heart and I could
pain so deeply in my heart and I could see that she was playing the role of I’m
see that she was playing the role of I’m
see that she was playing the role of I’m fine all as well so I invited her out
fine all as well so I invited her out
fine all as well so I invited her out for coffee and we met at a park and as
for coffee and we met at a park and as
for coffee and we met at a park and as we sat on the bank overlooking a lake
we sat on the bank overlooking a lake
we sat on the bank overlooking a lake she wondered what I wanted from her
she wondered what I wanted from her
she wondered what I wanted from her because you see when you’ve been used up
because you see when you’ve been used up
because you see when you’ve been used up and hurt by people in the world
and hurt by people in the world
and hurt by people in the world that’s all you expect somebody wants
that’s all you expect somebody wants
that’s all you expect somebody wants something from you and I just told her I
something from you and I just told her I
something from you and I just told her I just want to be your friend and I get
just want to be your friend and I get
just want to be your friend and I get the sense that you are deeply hurt she
the sense that you are deeply hurt she
the sense that you are deeply hurt she continued to stare out at the water and
continued to stare out at the water and
continued to stare out at the water and silence so I began to then share with
silence so I began to then share with
silence so I began to then share with her a little bit of my story and I
her a little bit of my story and I
her a little bit of my story and I didn’t get very far Ian when I looked
didn’t get very far Ian when I looked
didn’t get very far Ian when I looked over at her and she was just bawling
over at her and she was just bawling
over at her and she was just bawling tears just pouring down her face again I
tears just pouring down her face again I
tears just pouring down her face again I hadn’t gotten that far into my story for
hadn’t gotten that far into my story for
hadn’t gotten that far into my story for her to be responding this way she was
her to be responding this way she was
her to be responding this way she was responding to the fact that I was
responding to the fact that I was
responding to the fact that I was stepping into the darkness with her and
stepping into the darkness with her and
stepping into the darkness with her and I was saying I see you I see you and I’m
I was saying I see you I see you and I’m
I was saying I see you I see you and I’m here she told me her long hard story of
here she told me her long hard story of
here she told me her long hard story of abuse that day and then she told me she
abuse that day and then she told me she
abuse that day and then she told me she had never told this story to anyone
had never told this story to anyone
had never told this story to anyone before I was the first person she was
before I was the first person she was
before I was the first person she was telling in over 20 years she lived in
telling in over 20 years she lived in
telling in over 20 years she lived in darkness and silence and I was the first
darkness and silence and I was the first
darkness and silence and I was the first person she was telling what a privilege
person she was telling what a privilege
person she was telling what a privilege and an honor the darkness the pain abuse
and an honor the darkness the pain abuse
and an honor the darkness the pain abuse assault rape it’s all uncomfortable but
assault rape it’s all uncomfortable but
assault rape it’s all uncomfortable but it will continue to live on when we
it will continue to live on when we
it will continue to live on when we don’t
don’t
don’t into the darkness in Ana into those
into the darkness in Ana into those
into the darkness in Ana into those uncomfortable places pain shame and
uncomfortable places pain shame and
uncomfortable places pain shame and secrets they live in the dark healing
secrets they live in the dark healing
secrets they live in the dark healing that we can all offer to others lives in
that we can all offer to others lives in
that we can all offer to others lives in the light and when we can invite people
the light and when we can invite people
the light and when we can invite people to step out of that darkness and into
to step out of that darkness and into
to step out of that darkness and into that light we can heal and we can help
that light we can heal and we can help
that light we can heal and we can help them heal we can help them whether it’s
them heal we can help them whether it’s
them heal we can help them whether it’s twenty years or twenty minutes from the
twenty years or twenty minutes from the
twenty years or twenty minutes from the time they were hurt we can help them
time they were hurt we can help them
time they were hurt we can help them begin their journey I wear my tiara to
begin their journey I wear my tiara to
begin their journey I wear my tiara to the grocery store in two parts because
the grocery store in two parts because
the grocery store in two parts because I’m saying I want to have a hard
I’m saying I want to have a hard
I’m saying I want to have a hard conversation with you I even have a
conversation with you I even have a
conversation with you I even have a little button I wear sometimes it says
little button I wear sometimes it says
little button I wear sometimes it says ask me about my tiara because just
ask me about my tiara because just
ask me about my tiara because just wearing the tiara apparently was not
wearing the tiara apparently was not
wearing the tiara apparently was not enough for people to ask me about my
enough for people to ask me about my
enough for people to ask me about my tiara so I gave them a little invitation
tiara so I gave them a little invitation
tiara so I gave them a little invitation and often when I began actually
and often when I began actually
and often when I began actually explaining that I’m not here on my
explaining that I’m not here on my
explaining that I’m not here on my birthday it’s not my bachelorette party
birthday it’s not my bachelorette party
birthday it’s not my bachelorette party when I began to explain the dark topic
when I began to explain the dark topic
when I began to explain the dark topic of domestic violence or child abuse or
of domestic violence or child abuse or
of domestic violence or child abuse or sexual assault sometimes they’re out no
sexual assault sometimes they’re out no
sexual assault sometimes they’re out no thank you
thank you
thank you no thank you it’s uncomfortable I
no thank you it’s uncomfortable I
no thank you it’s uncomfortable I absolutely understand that but sometimes
absolutely understand that but sometimes
absolutely understand that but sometimes sometimes I get me too in fact I get me
sometimes I get me too in fact I get me
sometimes I get me too in fact I get me too
too
too way more than I want I would rather
way more than I want I would rather
way more than I want I would rather everyone tell me oh no I don’t have
everyone tell me oh no I don’t have
everyone tell me oh no I don’t have experience with that at all but
experience with that at all but
experience with that at all but unfortunately I think these subjects
unfortunately I think these subjects
unfortunately I think these subjects touch everyone’s lives in some way and
touch everyone’s lives in some way and
touch everyone’s lives in some way and yet we’re not talking about it we’re
yet we’re not talking about it we’re
yet we’re not talking about it we’re pushing it behind us we’re keeping it in
pushing it behind us we’re keeping it in
pushing it behind us we’re keeping it in the dark and we’re not willing to step
the dark and we’re not willing to step
the dark and we’re not willing to step into it and say alright this is hard and
into it and say alright this is hard and
into it and say alright this is hard and I’m willing to do it but here’s the
I’m willing to do it but here’s the
I’m willing to do it but here’s the thing we all have that power we all have
thing we all have that power we all have
thing we all have that power we all have the power to wear our tiara or
the power to wear our tiara or
the power to wear our tiara or metaphorical tiara or just to say to
metaphorical tiara or just to say to
metaphorical tiara or just to say to somebody I see you and I want to talk
somebody I see you and I want to talk
somebody I see you and I want to talk with you
with you
with you and I don’t know if I can help you the
and I don’t know if I can help you the
and I don’t know if I can help you the way that you need help but I can walk
way that you need help but I can walk
way that you need help but I can walk with you while we find that help for you
with you while we find that help for you
with you while we find that help for you and I’m willing to do that I’m willing
and I’m willing to do that I’m willing
and I’m willing to do that I’m willing to stay and say I’m here for you just
to stay and say I’m here for you just
to stay and say I’m here for you just around the corner sadly there is one
around the corner sadly there is one
around the corner sadly there is one more person who’s in pain their hearts
more person who’s in pain their hearts
more person who’s in pain their hearts are broken they’re living in darkness
are broken they’re living in darkness
are broken they’re living in darkness they have experienced pain that you can
they have experienced pain that you can
they have experienced pain that you can never understand but just around the
never understand but just around the
never understand but just around the corner there’s you there’s you who can
corner there’s you there’s you who can
corner there’s you there’s you who can step into that darkness and say I do see
step into that darkness and say I do see
step into that darkness and say I do see you and I will walk this journey with
you and I will walk this journey with
you and I will walk this journey with you I am Here I am here I don’t know if
you I am Here I am here I don’t know if
you I am Here I am here I don’t know if that would have changed anything if
that would have changed anything if
that would have changed anything if somebody had said that to me but what
somebody had said that to me but what
somebody had said that to me but what I’m asking you today is to be passionate
I’m asking you today is to be passionate
I’m asking you today is to be passionate about someone where your mess is that’s
about someone where your mess is that’s
about someone where your mess is that’s where your message is and I want you to
where your message is and I want you to
where your message is and I want you to go and be the light for someone be
go and be the light for someone be
go and be the light for someone be someone’s lighthouse in darkness on
someone’s lighthouse in darkness on
someone’s lighthouse in darkness on December 7th 1997 my ex-husband wanted
December 7th 1997 my ex-husband wanted
December 7th 1997 my ex-husband wanted to take me out of this world and for way
to take me out of this world and for way
to take me out of this world and for way too long he succeeded but I am right
too long he succeeded but I am right
too long he succeeded but I am right here I am still here and I am right here
here I am still here and I am right here
here I am still here and I am right here and I will walk into the darkness with
and I will walk into the darkness with
and I will walk into the darkness with others the day I began my healing that
others the day I began my healing that
others the day I began my healing that deep digging into my soul healing was
deep digging into my soul healing was
deep digging into my soul healing was one of the hardest days of my life and
one of the hardest days of my life and
one of the hardest days of my life and it will be one of the hardest days of
it will be one of the hardest days of
it will be one of the hardest days of whomever’s lives you enter into the
whomever’s lives you enter into the
whomever’s lives you enter into the darkness with but it was also one of the
darkness with but it was also one of the
darkness with but it was also one of the bravest decisions I ever made because I
bravest decisions I ever made because I
bravest decisions I ever made because I did not survive to sit down and shut up
did not survive to sit down and shut up
did not survive to sit down and shut up I survived to thrive I survived to live
I survived to thrive I survived to live
I survived to thrive I survived to live big happy lives my tiara reminds me that
big happy lives my tiara reminds me that
big happy lives my tiara reminds me that I am brave that I am worthy that I am
I am brave that I am worthy that I am
I am brave that I am worthy that I am worth being alive and standing here and
worth being alive and standing here and
worth being alive and standing here and being
being
being here today and that is why I put this
here today and that is why I put this
here today and that is why I put this weight on my head and carry this heavy
weight on my head and carry this heavy
weight on my head and carry this heavy message to say I see those who are
message to say I see those who are
message to say I see those who are hurting and I want others to reach into
hurting and I want others to reach into
hurting and I want others to reach into that darkness and find those or that are
that darkness and find those or that are
that darkness and find those or that are hurting because together when we come
hurting because together when we come
hurting because together when we come together and say no more
together and say no more
together and say no more darkness will disappear we will not give
darkness will disappear we will not give
darkness will disappear we will not give power to the darkness we will step into
power to the darkness we will step into
power to the darkness we will step into the light and we will say I am here and
the light and we will say I am here and
the light and we will say I am here and I am here for you I will journey with
I am here for you I will journey with
I am here for you I will journey with you we will not look away we will step
you we will not look away we will step
you we will not look away we will step into the darkness together
”
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