in the field I feel so connected to everything but then I come home and I
everything but then I come home and I
everything but then I come home and I would feel so disconnected and I started
would feel so disconnected and I started
would feel so disconnected and I started to to hate coming home because I wasn’t
to to hate coming home because I wasn’t
to to hate coming home because I wasn’t stimulated I’d have to sit in this
stimulated I’d have to sit in this
stimulated I’d have to sit in this quietness and feel this pain and I
quietness and feel this pain and I
quietness and feel this pain and I didn’t know where it was coming from and
didn’t know where it was coming from and
didn’t know where it was coming from and I felt myself withdrawing further and I
I felt myself withdrawing further and I
I felt myself withdrawing further and I had a beautiful wife who I will
had a beautiful wife who I will
had a beautiful wife who I will genuinely loved me but you know I in the
genuinely loved me but you know I in the
genuinely loved me but you know I in the field I felt like I was in a tribe I
field I felt like I was in a tribe I
field I felt like I was in a tribe I felt like I was together I was it was
felt like I was together I was it was
felt like I was together I was it was egalitarian we cared for each other
egalitarian we cared for each other
egalitarian we cared for each other there was responsibility you know we
there was responsibility you know we
there was responsibility you know we took care of one another and then I come
took care of one another and then I come
took care of one another and then I come home and I feel completely alone and I’d
home and I feel completely alone and I’d
home and I feel completely alone and I’d feel a nothingness and you know I think
feel a nothingness and you know I think
feel a nothingness and you know I think those elements of tribalism are really
those elements of tribalism are really
those elements of tribalism are really important in our lives we are better
important in our lives we are better
important in our lives we are better when we are with people who hold us
when we are with people who hold us
when we are with people who hold us accountable we are better together not
accountable we are better together not
accountable we are better together not just with one person as a group we are
just with one person as a group we are
just with one person as a group we are better together and I couldn’t like I
better together and I couldn’t like I
better together and I couldn’t like I literally couldn’t reconcile the noise
literally couldn’t reconcile the noise
literally couldn’t reconcile the noise of this urban life that I come back to
of this urban life that I come back to
of this urban life that I come back to go into Whole Foods and have literal
go into Whole Foods and have literal
go into Whole Foods and have literal like I can have anything I want what
like I can have anything I want what
like I can have anything I want what kind of chocolate
kind of chocolate
kind of chocolate what kind of organic whatever do you
what kind of organic whatever do you
what kind of organic whatever do you want you know and having just come home
want you know and having just come home
want you know and having just come home from a place where people are out
from a place where people are out
from a place where people are out farming every day you know I couldn’t I
farming every day you know I couldn’t I
farming every day you know I couldn’t I couldn’t get over the noise that I was
couldn’t get over the noise that I was
couldn’t get over the noise that I was hearing it was it’s very distracting hum
hearing it was it’s very distracting hum
hearing it was it’s very distracting hum and I think I get up in the morning and
and I think I get up in the morning and
and I think I get up in the morning and I go I can get through the day today I
I go I can get through the day today I
I go I can get through the day today I got this I can get I don’t have to drink
got this I can get I don’t have to drink
got this I can get I don’t have to drink tonight I can just and by noon it was so
tonight I can just and by noon it was so
tonight I can just and by noon it was so much that that’s when I would you know I
much that that’s when I would you know I
much that that’s when I would you know I have my first drink and I never drank to
have my first drink and I never drank to
have my first drink and I never drank to get to get drunk I just drank to calm it
get to get drunk I just drank to calm it
get to get drunk I just drank to calm it down because I was I was screaming
down because I was I was screaming
down because I was I was screaming inside and I didn’t know how to stop it
inside and I didn’t know how to stop it
inside and I didn’t know how to stop it because the only places that helped me
because the only places that helped me
because the only places that helped me were the places where I was distracted I
were the places where I was distracted I
were the places where I was distracted I was in the field and I was a part of a
was in the field and I was a part of a
was in the field and I was a part of a tribe and it was I couldn’t be
tribe and it was I couldn’t be
tribe and it was I couldn’t be disassociated out there
disassociated out there
disassociated out there I had a singular focus and and you know
I had a singular focus and and you know
I had a singular focus and and you know I think it was more to the point that I
I think it was more to the point that I
I think it was more to the point that I felt cared for I’d come home and we’d
felt cared for I’d come home and we’d
felt cared for I’d come home and we’d gloss over everything
gloss over everything
gloss over everything and as this event this avalanche going
and as this event this avalanche going
and as this event this avalanche going back to it
back to it
back to it started to appear as the event that
started to appear as the event that
started to appear as the event that sparked this this great divide in my
sparked this this great divide in my
sparked this this great divide in my life because it had shot me in one
life because it had shot me in one
life because it had shot me in one direction upwards my career had taken
direction upwards my career had taken
direction upwards my career had taken off and yet inside I was completely
off and yet inside I was completely
off and yet inside I was completely nose-diving
nose-diving
nose-diving towards some sort of vacuous rock-bottom
towards some sort of vacuous rock-bottom
towards some sort of vacuous rock-bottom that I couldn’t define the reason I put
that I couldn’t define the reason I put
that I couldn’t define the reason I put this up here is because my wife and I
this up here is because my wife and I
this up here is because my wife and I were not communicating about it we
were not communicating about it we
were not communicating about it we weren’t talking about it there was such
weren’t talking about it there was such
weren’t talking about it there was such a space between us and I love this shot
a space between us and I love this shot
a space between us and I love this shot because it was so it’s so typical of us
because it was so it’s so typical of us
because it was so it’s so typical of us you know it’s trying to get the camera
you know it’s trying to get the camera
you know it’s trying to get the camera above all the just to get the pretty
above all the just to get the pretty
above all the just to get the pretty stuff and that’s not what human
stuff and that’s not what human
stuff and that’s not what human relationships are that’s not what life
relationships are that’s not what life
relationships are that’s not what life is life is it’s not just the skyline and
is life is it’s not just the skyline and
is life is it’s not just the skyline and there was too much distance between us
there was too much distance between us
there was too much distance between us to sustain and I found myself completely
to sustain and I found myself completely
to sustain and I found myself completely alone oftentimes surrounded by people
alone oftentimes surrounded by people
alone oftentimes surrounded by people but completely alone but the best part
but completely alone but the best part
but completely alone but the best part is my job there’s always a way to go to
is my job there’s always a way to go to
is my job there’s always a way to go to stretch yourself so the next assignment
stretch yourself so the next assignment
stretch yourself so the next assignment came it was to northern Burma or Myanmar
came it was to northern Burma or Myanmar
came it was to northern Burma or Myanmar it’s changing at a very rapid pace my
it’s changing at a very rapid pace my
it’s changing at a very rapid pace my life was changing at a rapid pace and I
life was changing at a rapid pace and I
life was changing at a rapid pace and I felt like this was a perfect way to
felt like this was a perfect way to
felt like this was a perfect way to reconcile all those differences I was
reconcile all those differences I was
reconcile all those differences I was going to solve all the problems this
going to solve all the problems this
going to solve all the problems this country is steeped in mystery in
country is steeped in mystery in
country is steeped in mystery in antiquity it’s one of the most beautiful
antiquity it’s one of the most beautiful
antiquity it’s one of the most beautiful landscapes I’ve ever seen but the
landscapes I’ve ever seen but the
landscapes I’ve ever seen but the northern regions specifically are you
northern regions specifically are you
northern regions specifically are you know they’ve just emerged from decades
know they’ve just emerged from decades
know they’ve just emerged from decades of bloody civil war it’s a very
of bloody civil war it’s a very
of bloody civil war it’s a very impoverished nation the northern reaches
impoverished nation the northern reaches
impoverished nation the northern reaches have been it have been the Katyn state
have been it have been the Katyn state
have been it have been the Katyn state has been off-limits to outsiders for
has been off-limits to outsiders for
has been off-limits to outsiders for four decades
four decades
four decades so our access was incredible and that’s
so our access was incredible and that’s
so our access was incredible and that’s actually something we do very well here
actually something we do very well here
actually something we do very well here is we get access and that is a very huge
is we get access and that is a very huge
is we get access and that is a very huge privilege
privilege
privilege it makes the stories richer it gets us
it makes the stories richer it gets us
it makes the stories richer it gets us into places that we would not otherwise
into places that we would not otherwise
into places that we would not otherwise be able to go but it’s interesting q
be able to go but it’s interesting q
be able to go but it’s interesting q when I look at my photography on this
when I look at my photography on this
when I look at my photography on this trip specifically in urban environments
trip specifically in urban environments
trip specifically in urban environments it was changing as well I was I was I
it was changing as well I was I was I
it was changing as well I was I was I was running so hard
was running so hard
was running so hard from everything that was happening in my
from everything that was happening in my
from everything that was happening in my life it was pushing me outward with my
life it was pushing me outward with my
life it was pushing me outward with my photography and I was trying to get
photography and I was trying to get
photography and I was trying to get closer and I was trying to you know be
closer and I was trying to you know be
closer and I was trying to you know be more bold and I was getting more and
more bold and I was getting more and
more bold and I was getting more and more in people’s faces and you know I
more in people’s faces and you know I
more in people’s faces and you know I thought it was because I was able to get
thought it was because I was able to get
thought it was because I was able to get away from all that pain and in fact I
away from all that pain and in fact I
away from all that pain and in fact I think it was because I was carrying it
think it was because I was carrying it
think it was because I was carrying it with me and they recognized I think when
with me and they recognized I think when
with me and they recognized I think when we bring our baggage with us people
we bring our baggage with us people
we bring our baggage with us people recognize that it’s a nonverbal thing
recognize that it’s a nonverbal thing
recognize that it’s a nonverbal thing but people say okay this person’s human
but people say okay this person’s human
but people say okay this person’s human and they let you into your space in a
and they let you into your space in a
and they let you into your space in a much more profound way when you are
much more profound way when you are
much more profound way when you are equal when you are not a different guy
equal when you are not a different guy
equal when you are not a different guy you know you’re not the white dude with
you know you’re not the white dude with
you know you’re not the white dude with the big camera you’re the broken guy who
the big camera you’re the broken guy who
the big camera you’re the broken guy who hurts all day they’re like I give him a
hurts all day they’re like I give him a
hurts all day they’re like I give him a shot you know we’ll let him go over
shot you know we’ll let him go over
shot you know we’ll let him go over there the point of the trip was to go
there the point of the trip was to go
there the point of the trip was to go Overland for 60 days
Overland for 60 days
Overland for 60 days through the jungle to measure the
through the jungle to measure the
through the jungle to measure the highest point in Southeast Asia we were
highest point in Southeast Asia we were
highest point in Southeast Asia we were trying to solve this big geographical
trying to solve this big geographical
trying to solve this big geographical mystery that had been created by the war
mystery that had been created by the war
mystery that had been created by the war the war creates holes in the map you
the war creates holes in the map you
the war creates holes in the map you know if you can’t go there and modern
know if you can’t go there and modern
know if you can’t go there and modern science hasn’t gone there for decades
science hasn’t gone there for decades
science hasn’t gone there for decades how are we going to know what exists
how are we going to know what exists
how are we going to know what exists there so we were actually mapping and
there so we were actually mapping and
there so we were actually mapping and trying to measure the highest point in
trying to measure the highest point in
trying to measure the highest point in Southeast Asia
Southeast Asia
Southeast Asia like I said it was an overland journey
like I said it was an overland journey
like I said it was an overland journey and we were going first by overnight
and we were going first by overnight
and we were going first by overnight buses it was great Plex it was it was
buses it was great Plex it was it was
buses it was great Plex it was it was amazing first the bus barely starts then
amazing first the bus barely starts then
amazing first the bus barely starts then all the seats are full and then you’re
all the seats are full and then you’re
all the seats are full and then you’re like oh that’s pretty packed like like
like oh that’s pretty packed like like
like oh that’s pretty packed like like three people the two seats and then they
three people the two seats and then they
three people the two seats and then they start bringing in they’re like the
start bringing in they’re like the
start bringing in they’re like the little chairs that you put your kids in
little chairs that you put your kids in
little chairs that you put your kids in that’s a kids table and they just put
that’s a kids table and they just put
that’s a kids table and they just put them down the aisle right in the middle
them down the aisle right in the middle
them down the aisle right in the middle and then they get full-grown men to sit
and then they get full-grown men to sit
and then they get full-grown men to sit down and notes you know and it’s a
down and notes you know and it’s a
down and notes you know and it’s a really great scene don’t try to go to
really great scene don’t try to go to
really great scene don’t try to go to the bathroom it doesn’t work then we
the bathroom it doesn’t work then we
the bathroom it doesn’t work then we took a 24 hour boat up the Irrawaddy
took a 24 hour boat up the Irrawaddy
took a 24 hour boat up the Irrawaddy River
River
River we took what’s called a death train you
we took what’s called a death train you
we took what’s called a death train you guys should YouTube it it’s a train that
guys should YouTube it it’s a train that
guys should YouTube it it’s a train that hasn’t been cared for since the British
hasn’t been cared for since the British
hasn’t been cared for since the British left so you’re literally about you’re
left so you’re literally about you’re
left so you’re literally about you’re just waiting to derail it’s like 24
just waiting to derail it’s like 24
just waiting to derail it’s like 24 hours of waiting for death so if the
hours of waiting for death so if the
hours of waiting for death so if the Avalanche didn’t traumatize
Avalanche didn’t traumatize
Avalanche didn’t traumatize I’m sure that did at least my back was
I’m sure that did at least my back was
I’m sure that did at least my back was almost broken I had about 50 spider
almost broken I had about 50 spider
almost broken I had about 50 spider bites on my leg when I got off the train
bites on my leg when I got off the train
bites on my leg when I got off the train somehow
somehow
somehow and finally planes and then and then the
and finally planes and then and then the
and finally planes and then and then the last form of movement that we were
last form of movement that we were
last form of movement that we were taking were motorbikes and we’re going
taking were motorbikes and we’re going
taking were motorbikes and we’re going to take motorbikes 80 miles into the
to take motorbikes 80 miles into the
to take motorbikes 80 miles into the jungle before we started our walk and
jungle before we started our walk and
jungle before we started our walk and these guys were awesome as the writer
these guys were awesome as the writer
these guys were awesome as the writer called them the babies Hells Angels
called them the babies Hells Angels
called them the babies Hells Angels largely because their bikes are tiny but
largely because their bikes are tiny but
largely because their bikes are tiny but they were pretty awesome they were legit
they were pretty awesome they were legit
they were pretty awesome they were legit like one morning I remember waking up
like one morning I remember waking up
like one morning I remember waking up and you know the put the bikes are
and you know the put the bikes are
and you know the put the bikes are loaded overloaded really and this one
loaded overloaded really and this one
loaded overloaded really and this one guy grabs a beer it’s like seven it’s
guy grabs a beer it’s like seven it’s
guy grabs a beer it’s like seven it’s fine no judgment I’ve done it I mean
fine no judgment I’ve done it I mean
fine no judgment I’ve done it I mean I’ve you know we’re talking about this
I’ve you know we’re talking about this
I’ve you know we’re talking about this let’s be honest you know and cracks was
let’s be honest you know and cracks was
let’s be honest you know and cracks was beer and then he you know he pours some
beer and then he you know he pours some
beer and then he you know he pours some out I’m like that’s cool some for the
out I’m like that’s cool some for the
out I’m like that’s cool some for the homies you know good now then he takes
homies you know good now then he takes
homies you know good now then he takes then he takes a little bottle of whiskey
then he takes a little bottle of whiskey
then he takes a little bottle of whiskey and just fills it back up I’m like I’m
and just fills it back up I’m like I’m
and just fills it back up I’m like I’m riding with that dude because that’s
riding with that dude because that’s
riding with that dude because that’s kind of that’s going to be fun anyway I
kind of that’s going to be fun anyway I
kind of that’s going to be fun anyway I did ride with that dude that day and as
did ride with that dude that day and as
did ride with that dude that day and as soon as his bike fell over with me on
soon as his bike fell over with me on
soon as his bike fell over with me on and I was trying to take pictures you
and I was trying to take pictures you
and I was trying to take pictures you know falling off the side but then we
know falling off the side but then we
know falling off the side but then we decided well now that we’re done with
decided well now that we’re done with
decided well now that we’re done with this let’s walk into the jungle for 150
this let’s walk into the jungle for 150
this let’s walk into the jungle for 150 miles for those of you who haven’t
miles for those of you who haven’t
miles for those of you who haven’t walked through a jungle you don’t need
walked through a jungle you don’t need
walked through a jungle you don’t need to it’s fine stay home don’t do it it’s
to it’s fine stay home don’t do it it’s
to it’s fine stay home don’t do it it’s awful it’s like walking inside a green
awful it’s like walking inside a green
awful it’s like walking inside a green ping-pong ball which is you know cool
ping-pong ball which is you know cool
ping-pong ball which is you know cool you can get some neat images kind of but
you can get some neat images kind of but
you can get some neat images kind of but it’s very monotonous and it provides you
it’s very monotonous and it provides you
it’s very monotonous and it provides you with a lot of time to think and what do
with a lot of time to think and what do
with a lot of time to think and what do I do when I think oh I get super
I do when I think oh I get super
I do when I think oh I get super uncomfortable because I have to focus on
uncomfortable because I have to focus on
uncomfortable because I have to focus on what’s happening in my life it was a
what’s happening in my life it was a
what’s happening in my life it was a long long walk and I started to think
long long walk and I started to think
long long walk and I started to think and think about some real serious things
and think about some real serious things
and think about some real serious things but sometimes I could get distracted by
but sometimes I could get distracted by
but sometimes I could get distracted by crossing bamboos you know bridges that
crossing bamboos you know bridges that
crossing bamboos you know bridges that have zero metal on them
have zero metal on them
have zero metal on them that’s just all lashed together three
that’s just all lashed together three
that’s just all lashed together three people could cross at a time over these
people could cross at a time over these
people could cross at a time over these incredibly beautiful rivers
incredibly beautiful rivers
incredibly beautiful rivers we couldn’t see anything we couldn’t we
we couldn’t see anything we couldn’t we
we couldn’t see anything we couldn’t we couldn’t see the mountains at all it’s
couldn’t see the mountains at all it’s
couldn’t see the mountains at all it’s it was it was one of the craziest walks
it was it was one of the craziest walks
it was it was one of the craziest walks I’ve ever done because you come into
I’ve ever done because you come into
I’ve ever done because you come into these washes and you like literally if
these washes and you like literally if
these washes and you like literally if you fall here you’re just going to die
you fall here you’re just going to die
you fall here you’re just going to die it’s like it’s like the most dangerous
it’s like it’s like the most dangerous
it’s like it’s like the most dangerous walking you’ve ever done which we hope
walking you’ve ever done which we hope
walking you’ve ever done which we hope so silly like but there’s still no
so silly like but there’s still no
so silly like but there’s still no mountains right we can’t see anything
mountains right we can’t see anything
mountains right we can’t see anything and we we’d get to these villages and I
and we we’d get to these villages and I
and we we’d get to these villages and I was so amazed I was taken back to that
was so amazed I was taken back to that
was so amazed I was taken back to that very one of the very first photos I
very one of the very first photos I
very one of the very first photos I showed you know of the woman sleeping on
showed you know of the woman sleeping on
showed you know of the woman sleeping on the bench we think of that life is so
the bench we think of that life is so
the bench we think of that life is so wrong you know and yet these people that
wrong you know and yet these people that
wrong you know and yet these people that is their life every day and yes they’ve
is their life every day and yes they’ve
is their life every day and yes they’ve they’ve managed to deal with it in a
they’ve managed to deal with it in a
they’ve managed to deal with it in a much different way this place is
much different way this place is
much different way this place is untouched except by war it’s completely
untouched except by war it’s completely
untouched except by war it’s completely subsistence living there’s no roads here
subsistence living there’s no roads here
subsistence living there’s no roads here there’s no helicopters there’s no
there’s no helicopters there’s no
there’s no helicopters there’s no medical no Dennis no store you need food
medical no Dennis no store you need food
medical no Dennis no store you need food you kill it or you harvest it you need
you kill it or you harvest it you need
you kill it or you harvest it you need medical you pray or you figure it out or
medical you pray or you figure it out or
medical you pray or you figure it out or you get sick he or you die I mean there
you get sick he or you die I mean there
you get sick he or you die I mean there is no help and and I was I was taken by
is no help and and I was I was taken by
is no help and and I was I was taken by that the self-reliance is something
that the self-reliance is something
that the self-reliance is something we’ve lost and then after 30 days of
we’ve lost and then after 30 days of
we’ve lost and then after 30 days of walking you know 150 miles of walking
walking you know 150 miles of walking
walking you know 150 miles of walking this mountain sort of erupts we walked
this mountain sort of erupts we walked
this mountain sort of erupts we walked through the thick dense sort of
through the thick dense sort of
through the thick dense sort of rainforest and then we got to the
rainforest and then we got to the
rainforest and then we got to the deciduous trees and then the pines and
deciduous trees and then the pines and
deciduous trees and then the pines and then all of a sudden were into the
then all of a sudden were into the
then all of a sudden were into the rhododendrons and we can’t see anything
rhododendrons and we can’t see anything
rhododendrons and we can’t see anything and then all of a sudden the day before
and then all of a sudden the day before
and then all of a sudden the day before the mountain it just pops up and it sits
the mountain it just pops up and it sits
the mountain it just pops up and it sits right on the edge of the Tibetan Plateau
right on the edge of the Tibetan Plateau
right on the edge of the Tibetan Plateau it was sort of rose out of mystery we
it was sort of rose out of mystery we
it was sort of rose out of mystery we were beaming you we were kind of like it
were beaming you we were kind of like it
were beaming you we were kind of like it is there really a mountain here climbing
is there really a mountain here climbing
is there really a mountain here climbing a mountain by a new route is interesting
a mountain by a new route is interesting
a mountain by a new route is interesting because there is no path you know people
because there is no path you know people
because there is no path you know people like you well you just go to the top but
like you well you just go to the top but
like you well you just go to the top but it’s actually very technical getting to
it’s actually very technical getting to
it’s actually very technical getting to the top is is not a clear thing and I
the top is is not a clear thing and I
the top is is not a clear thing and I love that because that is just like life
love that because that is just like life
love that because that is just like life I talked about that as I started there
I talked about that as I started there
I talked about that as I started there is no path we think of things as very
is no path we think of things as very
is no path we think of things as very linear
linear
linear but things aren’t linear and and when we
but things aren’t linear and and when we
but things aren’t linear and and when we put ourselves in that linear box
put ourselves in that linear box
put ourselves in that linear box we tend to lose focus we do we made all
we tend to lose focus we do we made all
we tend to lose focus we do we made all sorts of wrong terms we climb up we
sorts of wrong terms we climb up we
sorts of wrong terms we climb up we realize we’re cliffed out we’d have to
realize we’re cliffed out we’d have to
realize we’re cliffed out we’d have to go down we you know we blew hours trying
go down we you know we blew hours trying
go down we you know we blew hours trying to figure things out and you know it’s
to figure things out and you know it’s
to figure things out and you know it’s it’s those ups and downs that actually
it’s those ups and downs that actually
it’s those ups and downs that actually makes the climbing somewhat worth it
makes the climbing somewhat worth it
makes the climbing somewhat worth it because you’re learning as you go every
because you’re learning as you go every
because you’re learning as you go every time you make a mistake hopefully as in
time you make a mistake hopefully as in
time you make a mistake hopefully as in life you learn from it finally we got to
life you learn from it finally we got to
life you learn from it finally we got to our high point where we had to decide
our high point where we had to decide
our high point where we had to decide who was going to go for the summit
who was going to go for the summit
who was going to go for the summit because we were a team of five and only
because we were a team of five and only
because we were a team of five and only three could really climb above this and
three could really climb above this and
three could really climb above this and we made the decision and it splintered
we made the decision and it splintered
we made the decision and it splintered our team it was very very emotional it
our team it was very very emotional it
our team it was very very emotional it was very high stakes at this point but
was very high stakes at this point but
was very high stakes at this point but we had to make a decision of the most
we had to make a decision of the most
we had to make a decision of the most suited climbers to go because the
suited climbers to go because the
suited climbers to go because the climbing above is like this and that’s
climbing above is like this and that’s
climbing above is like this and that’s actually pretty mellow too compared to
actually pretty mellow too compared to
actually pretty mellow too compared to some of the other stuff that we were
some of the other stuff that we were
some of the other stuff that we were doing which is interesting because you
doing which is interesting because you
doing which is interesting because you see the rope there that just makes sure
see the rope there that just makes sure
see the rope there that just makes sure you don’t die alone so let that sit in
you don’t die alone so let that sit in
you don’t die alone so let that sit in for a second so it took a minute right
for a second so it took a minute right
for a second so it took a minute right but like that’s just there to kill
but like that’s just there to kill
but like that’s just there to kill everybody because if you fall there’s no
everybody because if you fall there’s no
everybody because if you fall there’s no it’s just that there’s there’s nothing’s
it’s just that there’s there’s nothing’s
it’s just that there’s there’s nothing’s going to happen we were worried about
going to happen we were worried about
going to happen we were worried about frostbite we were on the north side
frostbite we were on the north side
frostbite we were on the north side renown was losing feeling in his toes
renown was losing feeling in his toes
renown was losing feeling in his toes finally finally after 40 days of
finally finally after 40 days of
finally finally after 40 days of climbing we popped over into the Sun and
climbing we popped over into the Sun and
climbing we popped over into the Sun and we saw the summit for the first time
we saw the summit for the first time
we saw the summit for the first time forty days Renan is that tired that’s
forty days Renan is that tired that’s
forty days Renan is that tired that’s he’s not just chilling in the Sun he’s
he’s not just chilling in the Sun he’s
he’s not just chilling in the Sun he’s that tired and I was elated to see that
that tired and I was elated to see that
that tired and I was elated to see that Ridge ahead of us until I realized there
Ridge ahead of us until I realized there
Ridge ahead of us until I realized there was no way that we were going to climb
was no way that we were going to climb
was no way that we were going to climb that we kept going because you have to
that we kept going because you have to
that we kept going because you have to try you have to try but I in my brain it
try you have to try but I in my brain it
try you have to try but I in my brain it was it was so convoluted it was so
was it was so convoluted it was so
was it was so convoluted it was so confusing and I just didn’t think we had
confusing and I just didn’t think we had
confusing and I just didn’t think we had the power to make it and sure enough we
the power to make it and sure enough we
the power to make it and sure enough we turned around we turned around at that
turned around we turned around at that
turned around we turned around at that point of snow just behind Vernon’s left
point of snow just behind Vernon’s left
point of snow just behind Vernon’s left shoulder so we were very close to the
shoulder so we were very close to the
shoulder so we were very close to the top but the idea was well is it’s worth
top but the idea was well is it’s worth
top but the idea was well is it’s worth it because if we keep going we’re likely
it because if we keep going we’re likely
it because if we keep going we’re likely going to die
going to die
going to die and if we die that’s not going to make
and if we die that’s not going to make
and if we die that’s not going to make anybody back home very happy we were too
anybody back home very happy we were too
anybody back home very happy we were too depleted we were too tired and we failed
depleted we were too tired and we failed
depleted we were too tired and we failed this is us returning to high camp
this is us returning to high camp
this is us returning to high camp letting it sink in that we had just
letting it sink in that we had just
letting it sink in that we had just failed on this huge expedition for
failed on this huge expedition for
failed on this huge expedition for National Geographic and trying to
National Geographic and trying to
National Geographic and trying to evaluate is there actual value in this
evaluate is there actual value in this
evaluate is there actual value in this failure I think there is I think there’s
failure I think there is I think there’s
failure I think there is I think there’s value in all failure you know it’s only
value in all failure you know it’s only
value in all failure you know it’s only when you surrender to it can you learn
when you surrender to it can you learn
when you surrender to it can you learn from it only when you give yourself over
from it only when you give yourself over
from it only when you give yourself over to it can you learn for the next time
to it can you learn for the next time
to it can you learn for the next time like we failed to bring – we failed to
like we failed to bring – we failed to
like we failed to bring – we failed to bring enough rolling papers for the
bring enough rolling papers for the
bring enough rolling papers for the tobacco so we started rolling cigarettes
tobacco so we started rolling cigarettes
tobacco so we started rolling cigarettes out of a book called finding George
out of a book called finding George
out of a book called finding George Orwell in German in Burma and that is
Orwell in German in Burma and that is
Orwell in German in Burma and that is that’s what went on is smoking there and
that’s what went on is smoking there and
that’s what went on is smoking there and that’s actually a map of the exact
that’s actually a map of the exact
that’s actually a map of the exact region we were in which is great we’re
region we were in which is great we’re
region we were in which is great we’re just like we’re done with this but burn
just like we’re done with this but burn
just like we’re done with this but burn it down but I also knew that coming out
it down but I also knew that coming out
it down but I also knew that coming out you know this was the trip where I
you know this was the trip where I
you know this was the trip where I realized with all that time to think
realized with all that time to think
realized with all that time to think that there were a lot more failures
that there were a lot more failures
that there were a lot more failures ahead of me I was just beginning that
ahead of me I was just beginning that
ahead of me I was just beginning that and it was the trip where I knew that
and it was the trip where I knew that
and it was the trip where I knew that you know my marriage was over there was
you know my marriage was over there was
you know my marriage was over there was no way to reconcile what had happened
no way to reconcile what had happened
no way to reconcile what had happened you know my despondence had told us
you know my despondence had told us
you know my despondence had told us apart my sort of my confusion my alone
apart my sort of my confusion my alone
apart my sort of my confusion my alone is my unwillingness to engage my
is my unwillingness to engage my
is my unwillingness to engage my inability to engage had told us apart I
inability to engage had told us apart I
inability to engage had told us apart I was so disconnected and that
was so disconnected and that
was so disconnected and that disconnectedness had created a void and
disconnectedness had created a void and
disconnectedness had created a void and a void that I had filled with anything I
a void that I had filled with anything I
a void that I had filled with anything I could whether on an assignment or at
could whether on an assignment or at
could whether on an assignment or at home whether it was alcohol or women you
home whether it was alcohol or women you
home whether it was alcohol or women you know I mean I’m just going to be honest
know I mean I’m just going to be honest
know I mean I’m just going to be honest with you guys
with you guys
with you guys you know I cheated and I lied and I was
you know I cheated and I lied and I was
you know I cheated and I lied and I was a bad husband I was a terrible person
a bad husband I was a terrible person
a bad husband I was a terrible person and I was trying so hard to figure out
and I was trying so hard to figure out
and I was trying so hard to figure out you know how can I be a good person and
you know how can I be a good person and
you know how can I be a good person and a bad person at the same time and I was
a bad person at the same time and I was
a bad person at the same time and I was ripped apart and I did all the things
ripped apart and I did all the things
ripped apart and I did all the things wrong and those actions they have
wrong and those actions they have
wrong and those actions they have consequences and its consequences
consequences and its consequences
consequences and its consequences hurt and it really really hurt because I
hurt and it really really hurt because I
hurt and it really really hurt because I destroyed something beautiful and that
destroyed something beautiful and that
destroyed something beautiful and that put me in a very strange place right
put me in a very strange place right
put me in a very strange place right that’s a pretty strange place but I also
that’s a pretty strange place but I also
that’s a pretty strange place but I also started seeing differently with my
started seeing differently with my
started seeing differently with my photography I was looking for different
photography I was looking for different
photography I was looking for different things because I wanted to find a way
things because I wanted to find a way
things because I wanted to find a way out of what I was feeling and yet I felt
out of what I was feeling and yet I felt
out of what I was feeling and yet I felt like I was getting further and further
like I was getting further and further
like I was getting further and further sucked in because this was how I left
sucked in because this was how I left
sucked in because this was how I left the house the last time and that’s a
the house the last time and that’s a
the house the last time and that’s a really really hard image to look at it’s
really really hard image to look at it’s
really really hard image to look at it’s not something I like to remember but
not something I like to remember but
not something I like to remember but it’s something that’s important to talk
it’s something that’s important to talk
it’s something that’s important to talk about
[Music]
[Music] you
you
you [Music]
”
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