when the speaker list for TEDx Troy was announced you may have seen my name on
announced you may have seen my name on
announced you may have seen my name on it
it
it it’s full of educators innovators and
it’s full of educators innovators and
it’s full of educators innovators and experts and there was me
experts and there was me
experts and there was me I wondered what I was doing there as
I wondered what I was doing there as
I wondered what I was doing there as well especially the last couple of hours
well especially the last couple of hours
well especially the last couple of hours but I would like to tell you a little
but I would like to tell you a little
but I would like to tell you a little bit about myself before I really get
bit about myself before I really get
bit about myself before I really get started this afternoon so I’m 39 years
started this afternoon so I’m 39 years
started this afternoon so I’m 39 years old I am married with one son and I live
old I am married with one son and I live
old I am married with one son and I live in Newquay I have a range of pets
in Newquay I have a range of pets
in Newquay I have a range of pets including a dog a dwarf rabbit two
including a dog a dwarf rabbit two
including a dog a dwarf rabbit two chinchillas and even an African pygmy
chinchillas and even an African pygmy
chinchillas and even an African pygmy hedgehog I have depression
hedgehog I have depression
hedgehog I have depression now you might now be thinking oh no
now you might now be thinking oh no
now you might now be thinking oh no she’s gonna make us cry or you might be
she’s gonna make us cry or you might be
she’s gonna make us cry or you might be thinking that I want you to feel sorry
thinking that I want you to feel sorry
thinking that I want you to feel sorry for me but I’m telling you this now
for me but I’m telling you this now
for me but I’m telling you this now because it’s actually I’m something I’m
because it’s actually I’m something I’m
because it’s actually I’m something I’m fairly proud of it’s been part of me for
fairly proud of it’s been part of me for
fairly proud of it’s been part of me for the last nine or ten years it’s with me
the last nine or ten years it’s with me
the last nine or ten years it’s with me every single day some days I don’t
every single day some days I don’t
every single day some days I don’t really notice it that much other days it
really notice it that much other days it
really notice it that much other days it certainly does weigh heavy on my
certainly does weigh heavy on my
certainly does weigh heavy on my shoulders
shoulders
shoulders in fact it’s with me so much that I’ve
in fact it’s with me so much that I’ve
in fact it’s with me so much that I’ve given it a name and I call it Bob now
given it a name and I call it Bob now
given it a name and I call it Bob now Sunday’s bob is as light as a feather
Sunday’s bob is as light as a feather
Sunday’s bob is as light as a feather and I don’t really notice that he’s
and I don’t really notice that he’s
and I don’t really notice that he’s around
around
around other days bob has eaten way too many
other days bob has eaten way too many
other days bob has eaten way too many cakes and he is extremely heavy to carry
cakes and he is extremely heavy to carry
cakes and he is extremely heavy to carry those are definitely the dark days you
those are definitely the dark days you
those are definitely the dark days you might be wondering if I know what Bob
might be wondering if I know what Bob
might be wondering if I know what Bob looks like well here is Bob on my back
looks like well here is Bob on my back
looks like well here is Bob on my back Bob is a rather nice-looking
Bob is a rather nice-looking
Bob is a rather nice-looking cuddly-looking sleuth that I carry
cuddly-looking sleuth that I carry
cuddly-looking sleuth that I carry around very lazy doesn’t move a lot and
around very lazy doesn’t move a lot and
around very lazy doesn’t move a lot and just literally hangs there for support
just literally hangs there for support
just literally hangs there for support and expects me to carry him everywhere
and expects me to carry him everywhere
and expects me to carry him everywhere but I might not be alone with some of
but I might not be alone with some of
but I might not be alone with some of the feelings that I have because
the feelings that I have because
the feelings that I have because statistics say that two in three of us
statistics say that two in three of us
statistics say that two in three of us during the course of our lifetime will
during the course of our lifetime will
during the course of our lifetime will have a mental health problem that could
have a mental health problem that could
have a mental health problem that could be 200 maybe even 250 of us sat here
be 200 maybe even 250 of us sat here
be 200 maybe even 250 of us sat here right now
right now
right now but how do we know who those people are
but how do we know who those people are
but how do we know who those people are I want you just to imagine for a moment
I want you just to imagine for a moment
I want you just to imagine for a moment that you’re sat in a room with a friend
that you’re sat in a room with a friend
that you’re sat in a room with a friend someone that you’ve known for many years
someone that you’ve known for many years
someone that you’ve known for many years maybe someone that you went to school
maybe someone that you went to school
maybe someone that you went to school with someone you grew up with you know
with someone you grew up with you know
with someone you grew up with you know pretty much everything there is to know
pretty much everything there is to know
pretty much everything there is to know about them you know where they live you
about them you know where they live you
about them you know where they live you know they’re married with two kids and
know they’re married with two kids and
know they’re married with two kids and every summer they go on holiday to Spain
every summer they go on holiday to Spain
every summer they go on holiday to Spain you also know that last night they had a
you also know that last night they had a
you also know that last night they had a Chinese takeaway for their tea but
Chinese takeaway for their tea but
Chinese takeaway for their tea but you’ve not actually had a real
you’ve not actually had a real
you’ve not actually had a real conversation face to face with this
conversation face to face with this
conversation face to face with this person for the last 20 years you have
person for the last 20 years you have
person for the last 20 years you have got no idea that they are going through
got no idea that they are going through
got no idea that they are going through depression or another mental health
depression or another mental health
depression or another mental health problem but you are friends with them
problem but you are friends with them
problem but you are friends with them well you are on Facebook anyway well
well you are on Facebook anyway well
well you are on Facebook anyway well that was me 9 or 10 years ago my 200
that was me 9 or 10 years ago my 200
that was me 9 or 10 years ago my 200 Facebook friends had no idea what I was
Facebook friends had no idea what I was
Facebook friends had no idea what I was going through they saw me online as a
going through they saw me online as a
going through they saw me online as a bit of a joker married house decent job
bit of a joker married house decent job
bit of a joker married house decent job I was doing alright they didn’t see that
I was doing alright they didn’t see that
I was doing alright they didn’t see that behind the scenes I was struggling to
behind the scenes I was struggling to
behind the scenes I was struggling to get out of bed everyday wondering what
get out of bed everyday wondering what
get out of bed everyday wondering what the point and it all was and then it
the point and it all was and then it
the point and it all was and then it happened one day on the drive to Truro
happened one day on the drive to Truro
happened one day on the drive to Truro to work I stopped the car I physically
to work I stopped the car I physically
to work I stopped the car I physically stopped I couldn’t go on bob had
stopped I couldn’t go on bob had
stopped I couldn’t go on bob had squeezed and crushed the life out of me
squeezed and crushed the life out of me
squeezed and crushed the life out of me I turned the car around drove home and
I turned the car around drove home and
I turned the car around drove home and went to bed it was like I instantly
went to bed it was like I instantly
went to bed it was like I instantly forgot how to do everything how to brush
forgot how to do everything how to brush
forgot how to do everything how to brush my hair how to get dressed even boiling
my hair how to get dressed even boiling
my hair how to get dressed even boiling water to make a cup of tea just didn’t
water to make a cup of tea just didn’t
water to make a cup of tea just didn’t seem logical anymore
it was a really really difficult time
it was a really really difficult time and even now nine years on some of those
and even now nine years on some of those
and even now nine years on some of those thoughts that I had back then are still
thoughts that I had back then are still
thoughts that I had back then are still really difficult to talk about I just
really difficult to talk about I just
really difficult to talk about I just remember it being a time of real
remember it being a time of real
remember it being a time of real darkness and a void of emptiness and
darkness and a void of emptiness and
darkness and a void of emptiness and nothingness I was signed off work and
nothingness I was signed off work and
nothingness I was signed off work and put on antidepressants which kind of
put on antidepressants which kind of
put on antidepressants which kind of made me feel a bit like a zombie I lay
made me feel a bit like a zombie I lay
made me feel a bit like a zombie I lay in bed sat on the sofa didn’t really do
in bed sat on the sofa didn’t really do
in bed sat on the sofa didn’t really do anything
anything
anything eventually I was referred for CBT which
eventually I was referred for CBT which
eventually I was referred for CBT which is cognitive behavior therapy it’s a
is cognitive behavior therapy it’s a
is cognitive behavior therapy it’s a type of talking therapy that aims to
type of talking therapy that aims to
type of talking therapy that aims to change the way that you think and behave
change the way that you think and behave
change the way that you think and behave my first hour-long session was a little
my first hour-long session was a little
my first hour-long session was a little bit how I imagined an interrogation
bit how I imagined an interrogation
bit how I imagined an interrogation might go just questions and questions
might go just questions and questions
might go just questions and questions and questions fired at me and then even
and questions fired at me and then even
and questions fired at me and then even worse than that was the homework I was
worse than that was the homework I was
worse than that was the homework I was to keep a diary as to how I was doing
to keep a diary as to how I was doing
to keep a diary as to how I was doing every single day to tick the smiley box
every single day to tick the smiley box
every single day to tick the smiley box or put a cross in the sad face box
or put a cross in the sad face box
or put a cross in the sad face box depending on my achievements had I
depending on my achievements had I
depending on my achievements had I brushed my hair today yes
brushed my hair today yes
brushed my hair today yes tick had I managed to get out of bed and
tick had I managed to get out of bed and
tick had I managed to get out of bed and get changed today yes another smiley
get changed today yes another smiley
get changed today yes another smiley face had I managed to make myself some
face had I managed to make myself some
face had I managed to make myself some breakfast no cross while CBT undoubtedly
breakfast no cross while CBT undoubtedly
breakfast no cross while CBT undoubtedly works and helps many people I hated it
works and helps many people I hated it
works and helps many people I hated it it wasn’t really getting to the root of
it wasn’t really getting to the root of
it wasn’t really getting to the root of the problem
the problem
the problem it was just trying to mask me into
it was just trying to mask me into
it was just trying to mask me into thinking I didn’t have a problem and
thinking I didn’t have a problem and
thinking I didn’t have a problem and clearly I did it didn’t help that my
clearly I did it didn’t help that my
clearly I did it didn’t help that my therapist regularly canceled my
therapist regularly canceled my
therapist regularly canceled my appointments at the last minute or just
appointments at the last minute or just
appointments at the last minute or just didn’t bother turning up for someone who
didn’t bother turning up for someone who
didn’t bother turning up for someone who was at the breaking point as I was then
was at the breaking point as I was then
was at the breaking point as I was then this really took me to the edge I should
this really took me to the edge I should
this really took me to the edge I should point out at this stage that my friends
point out at this stage that my friends
point out at this stage that my friends that knew about it and my family members
that knew about it and my family members
that knew about it and my family members were being as supportive as they could
were being as supportive as they could
were being as supportive as they could but it was me it was me who couldn’t
but it was me it was me who couldn’t
but it was me it was me who couldn’t talk to them how do you tell people that
talk to them how do you tell people that
talk to them how do you tell people that you love and that love you that you want
you love and that love you that you want
you love and that love you that you want to self-harm or that you’re not sure
to self-harm or that you’re not sure
to self-harm or that you’re not sure about living but it wasn’t about really
about living but it wasn’t about really
about living but it wasn’t about really wanting to die it was about wanting to
wanting to die it was about wanting to
wanting to die it was about wanting to be free free from this feeling free from
be free free from this feeling free from
be free free from this feeling free from the darkness free to be Emma and not Bob
weeks turned into months my story so far
weeks turned into months my story so far I admit has probably left you feeling a
I admit has probably left you feeling a
I admit has probably left you feeling a bit gloomy so I’m going to take you now
bit gloomy so I’m going to take you now
bit gloomy so I’m going to take you now to the point where things began to
to the point where things began to
to the point where things began to change for me because you see in all of
change for me because you see in all of
change for me because you see in all of the dark
the dark
the dark and this void there was still alight
and this void there was still alight
and this void there was still alight there was still a glimmer deep inside me
there was still a glimmer deep inside me
there was still a glimmer deep inside me I really knew something had to change
I really knew something had to change
I really knew something had to change and the only person that could change it
and the only person that could change it
and the only person that could change it was going to be me an internet search
was going to be me an internet search
was going to be me an internet search one day while I was sat at home led me
one day while I was sat at home led me
one day while I was sat at home led me to may tree may tree a sanctuary for the
to may tree may tree a sanctuary for the
to may tree may tree a sanctuary for the suicidal a house in London the only one
suicidal a house in London the only one
suicidal a house in London the only one of its kind in the UK were those in
of its kind in the UK were those in
of its kind in the UK were those in desperate need could spend four nights
desperate need could spend four nights
desperate need could spend four nights in a place of shelter safety and comfort
in a place of shelter safety and comfort
in a place of shelter safety and comfort it sounded like an amazing place that
it sounded like an amazing place that
it sounded like an amazing place that would really help me but there was a
would really help me but there was a
would really help me but there was a slight problem I was in Cornwall this
slight problem I was in Cornwall this
slight problem I was in Cornwall this house was in London and I could barely
house was in London and I could barely
house was in London and I could barely walk out of the front door I’d have to
walk out of the front door I’d have to
walk out of the front door I’d have to go to London on my own this would have
go to London on my own this would have
go to London on my own this would have been hard enough if I was feeling well
been hard enough if I was feeling well
been hard enough if I was feeling well not being a particularly good Cornish
not being a particularly good Cornish
not being a particularly good Cornish woman with a map in a big city however I
woman with a map in a big city however I
woman with a map in a big city however I was at such a low point I really didn’t
was at such a low point I really didn’t
was at such a low point I really didn’t know how I would cope going to London on
know how I would cope going to London on
know how I would cope going to London on my own navigating the underground on my
my own navigating the underground on my
my own navigating the underground on my own it was a big challenge but I knew it
own it was a big challenge but I knew it
own it was a big challenge but I knew it was my only option and a phone call with
was my only option and a phone call with
was my only option and a phone call with one of the directors led me to believe
one of the directors led me to believe
one of the directors led me to believe this was the place for me to go so a
this was the place for me to go so a
this was the place for me to go so a week later I boarded the train a bomb in
week later I boarded the train a bomb in
week later I boarded the train a bomb in Parkway and I was on my way the next few
Parkway and I was on my way the next few
Parkway and I was on my way the next few days were actually quite amazing people
days were actually quite amazing people
days were actually quite amazing people spoke to me as Emma not as an NHS number
spoke to me as Emma not as an NHS number
spoke to me as Emma not as an NHS number or as a diagnosis or as Bob I met other
or as a diagnosis or as Bob I met other
or as a diagnosis or as Bob I met other people going through their own mental
people going through their own mental
people going through their own mental health journeys all very different to
health journeys all very different to
health journeys all very different to mine but we bonded over coffee walks
mine but we bonded over coffee walks
mine but we bonded over coffee walks around the garden and even making kinder
around the garden and even making kinder
around the garden and even making kinder egg toys sat around the kitchen table
egg toys sat around the kitchen table
egg toys sat around the kitchen table you know we actually had fun in this
you know we actually had fun in this
you know we actually had fun in this house of suicidal people we actually
house of suicidal people we actually
house of suicidal people we actually laughed we would joke about how we would
laughed we would joke about how we would
laughed we would joke about how we would have to get permission to unlock the
have to get permission to unlock the
have to get permission to unlock the drawer of knives two butter our toast in
drawer of knives two butter our toast in
drawer of knives two butter our toast in the morning even something like boiling
the morning even something like boiling
the morning even something like boiling the kettle must have carried its own
the kettle must have carried its own
the kettle must have carried its own risk assessments in fact the risk
risk assessments in fact the risk
risk assessments in fact the risk assessments must have been completely
assessments must have been completely
assessments must have been completely endless
endless
endless we had structure therapy sessions and we
we had structure therapy sessions and we
we had structure therapy sessions and we also had lots of time to speak to the
also had lots of time to speak to the
also had lots of time to speak to the trained volunteers one of these sessions
trained volunteers one of these sessions
trained volunteers one of these sessions for me began to change everything I sat
for me began to change everything I sat
for me began to change everything I sat in this may May sunny may tree garden
in this may May sunny may tree garden
in this may May sunny may tree garden with a guy called Chris Chris came from
with a guy called Chris Chris came from
with a guy called Chris Chris came from Manchester we didn’t really have a lot
Manchester we didn’t really have a lot
Manchester we didn’t really have a lot in common but we sat at the bottom of
in common but we sat at the bottom of
in common but we sat at the bottom of the garden drinking tea and just talking
the garden drinking tea and just talking
the garden drinking tea and just talking about stuff where we came from our lives
about stuff where we came from our lives
about stuff where we came from our lives our hopes our dreams our futures and for
our hopes our dreams our futures and for
our hopes our dreams our futures and for some reason I just began to open up and
some reason I just began to open up and
some reason I just began to open up and talk about how I was feeling and he
talk about how I was feeling and he
talk about how I was feeling and he listened over the next two hours we
listened over the next two hours we
listened over the next two hours we drank lots of tea we hugged we laughed
drank lots of tea we hugged we laughed
drank lots of tea we hugged we laughed we cried together and by the end of it
we cried together and by the end of it
we cried together and by the end of it the weight had begun to shift Bob had
the weight had begun to shift Bob had
the weight had begun to shift Bob had officially been put on a diet
officially been put on a diet
officially been put on a diet I came back to Cornwall feeling so much
I came back to Cornwall feeling so much
I came back to Cornwall feeling so much better it wasn’t as if a miracle had
better it wasn’t as if a miracle had
better it wasn’t as if a miracle had occurred though it was more of fact I’d
occurred though it was more of fact I’d
occurred though it was more of fact I’d realized that I was still Emma and I
realized that I was still Emma and I
realized that I was still Emma and I wasn’t Bob the only way I can really
wasn’t Bob the only way I can really
wasn’t Bob the only way I can really describe it is you know if you’re on a
describe it is you know if you’re on a
describe it is you know if you’re on a plane on a runway and you’re waiting to
plane on a runway and you’re waiting to
plane on a runway and you’re waiting to take off and all you can see above you
take off and all you can see above you
take off and all you can see above you is kind of gray cloud and white cloud
is kind of gray cloud and white cloud
is kind of gray cloud and white cloud and as you accelerate down the runway
and as you accelerate down the runway
and as you accelerate down the runway and you take off you climb through the
and you take off you climb through the
and you take off you climb through the different layers of cloud you climb
different layers of cloud you climb
different layers of cloud you climb through the white and the gray and the
through the white and the gray and the
through the white and the gray and the dark gray or maybe even the black and on
dark gray or maybe even the black and on
dark gray or maybe even the black and on the other side of the cloud you see this
the other side of the cloud you see this
the other side of the cloud you see this amazing blue sky and the sunlight you
amazing blue sky and the sunlight you
amazing blue sky and the sunlight you couldn’t see it from the ground but it
couldn’t see it from the ground but it
couldn’t see it from the ground but it was always there you just couldn’t see
was always there you just couldn’t see
was always there you just couldn’t see it that’s how it felt to me the next few
it that’s how it felt to me the next few
it that’s how it felt to me the next few weeks and months things began to get
weeks and months things began to get
weeks and months things began to get gradually easier I began to open up and
gradually easier I began to open up and
gradually easier I began to open up and to talk to people more it was still
to talk to people more it was still
to talk to people more it was still difficult but I still managed to make
difficult but I still managed to make
difficult but I still managed to make some of those conversations happen
some of those conversations happen
some of those conversations happen the amazing thing started to happen that
the amazing thing started to happen that
the amazing thing started to happen that when I started to talk to people about
when I started to talk to people about
when I started to talk to people about my journey people told me about there’s
my journey people told me about there’s
my journey people told me about there’s so many of my friends had had their own
so many of my friends had had their own
so many of my friends had had their own mental health problems I knew nothing
mental health problems I knew nothing
mental health problems I knew nothing about and if they didn’t they knew
about and if they didn’t they knew
about and if they didn’t they knew someone who had
someone who had
someone who had it became obvious that these pretty
it became obvious that these pretty
it became obvious that these pretty perfect worlds some of us were living
perfect worlds some of us were living
perfect worlds some of us were living out there particularly on social media
out there particularly on social media
out there particularly on social media weren’t actually true it was a very
weren’t actually true it was a very
weren’t actually true it was a very strange time but the conversations I had
strange time but the conversations I had
strange time but the conversations I had meant that I managed to make links with
meant that I managed to make links with
meant that I managed to make links with so many more people conversation is a
so many more people conversation is a
so many more people conversation is a funny thing isn’t it
funny thing isn’t it
funny thing isn’t it you know we communicate and converse
you know we communicate and converse
you know we communicate and converse with each other in so many ways every
with each other in so many ways every
with each other in so many ways every day 2.4 million emails are sent every
day 2.4 million emails are sent every
day 2.4 million emails are sent every single second around the world every
single second around the world every
single second around the world every minute on Facebook there are 500,000
minute on Facebook there are 500,000
minute on Facebook there are 500,000 posts liked and every day on Twitter 500
posts liked and every day on Twitter 500
posts liked and every day on Twitter 500 million tweets are sent around the world
million tweets are sent around the world
million tweets are sent around the world this gives us incredible scope to talk
this gives us incredible scope to talk
this gives us incredible scope to talk about mental health in such a big
about mental health in such a big
about mental health in such a big powerful way especially with younger
powerful way especially with younger
powerful way especially with younger people that use social media so much
people that use social media so much
people that use social media so much more now but it’s not enough it’s not
more now but it’s not enough it’s not
more now but it’s not enough it’s not enough because social media is not
enough because social media is not
enough because social media is not always real breaking down these barriers
always real breaking down these barriers
always real breaking down these barriers is gonna take real conversations I
is gonna take real conversations I
is gonna take real conversations I believe it’s up to all of us especially
believe it’s up to all of us especially
believe it’s up to all of us especially those of us that have been through our
those of us that have been through our
those of us that have been through our own journeys to share our stories to
own journeys to share our stories to
own journeys to share our stories to make that conversation happen because we
make that conversation happen because we
make that conversation happen because we all have mental health just like we all
all have mental health just like we all
all have mental health just like we all have physical health and that’s my ask
have physical health and that’s my ask
have physical health and that’s my ask of you here today with me remember that
of you here today with me remember that
of you here today with me remember that statistic from the start of my talk that
statistic from the start of my talk that
statistic from the start of my talk that 2 in 3 of us during the course of our
2 in 3 of us during the course of our
2 in 3 of us during the course of our lifetime will have a mental health
lifetime will have a mental health
lifetime will have a mental health problem if that’s you sitting there
problem if that’s you sitting there
problem if that’s you sitting there right now I want you to do something in
right now I want you to do something in
right now I want you to do something in the next break I want you to go out and
the next break I want you to go out and
the next break I want you to go out and think about who you can talk to it could
think about who you can talk to it could
think about who you can talk to it could be someone that’s here with you today it
be someone that’s here with you today it
be someone that’s here with you today it could be a loved one a family member it
could be a loved one a family member it
could be a loved one a family member it could be someone at work or maybe even a
could be someone at work or maybe even a
could be someone at work or maybe even a confidential helpline or your GP but
confidential helpline or your GP but
confidential helpline or your GP but have that conversation break down your
have that conversation break down your
have that conversation break down your own barrier first and then help to break
own barrier first and then help to break
own barrier first and then help to break down barriers for other people you might
down barriers for other people you might
down barriers for other people you might not find the right person to talk to you
not find the right person to talk to you
not find the right person to talk to you straight away I didn’t but keep looking
straight away I didn’t but keep looking
straight away I didn’t but keep looking there are people out there that will
there are people out there that will
there are people out there that will help
help
help we just need to say it as it is my name
we just need to say it as it is my name
we just need to say it as it is my name is Emma I have depression but I am still
is Emma I have depression but I am still
is Emma I have depression but I am still Emma thank you
Emma thank you
Emma thank you [Applause]
”
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