several years ago a guy we can call John walked into my psychology office it was
walked into my psychology office it was
walked into my psychology office it was a nice sincere in friendly 30 year old
a nice sincere in friendly 30 year old
a nice sincere in friendly 30 year old who felt his life was coming to get her
who felt his life was coming to get her
who felt his life was coming to get her he had a nice job he had a couple of
he had a nice job he had a couple of
he had a nice job he had a couple of friends around him and he just met the
friends around him and he just met the
friends around him and he just met the woman of his dreams now at first glance
woman of his dreams now at first glance
woman of his dreams now at first glance John seemed to be filled with that
John seemed to be filled with that
John seemed to be filled with that exquisite juicy feeling you have you
exquisite juicy feeling you have you
exquisite juicy feeling you have you know when you’ve just fallen in love
know when you’ve just fallen in love
know when you’ve just fallen in love with someone so you’d think that he’d be
with someone so you’d think that he’d be
with someone so you’d think that he’d be at the top of his world at this point
at the top of his world at this point
at the top of his world at this point and so I asked John well what brings you
and so I asked John well what brings you
and so I asked John well what brings you to my office and he said you know I’m
to my office and he said you know I’m
to my office and he said you know I’m miserable
miserable
miserable I love her but I keep thinking about
I love her but I keep thinking about
I love her but I keep thinking about leaving her and you know what I’ve even
leaving her and you know what I’ve even
leaving her and you know what I’ve even had thoughts about ending my life now
had thoughts about ending my life now
had thoughts about ending my life now what was going on here well it turns out
what was going on here well it turns out
what was going on here well it turns out John had struggled for years with
John had struggled for years with
John had struggled for years with intense self-criticism that kept saying
intense self-criticism that kept saying
intense self-criticism that kept saying things like you suck and you’re not good
things like you suck and you’re not good
things like you suck and you’re not good enough over and over again in his mind
enough over and over again in his mind
enough over and over again in his mind and while John had hoped that things
and while John had hoped that things
and while John had hoped that things would get better once he found someone
would get better once he found someone
would get better once he found someone to share his life with it was actually
to share his life with it was actually
to share his life with it was actually getting a lot worse and now I didn’t
getting a lot worse and now I didn’t
getting a lot worse and now I didn’t know what to do this talk is going to be
know what to do this talk is going to be
know what to do this talk is going to be about self-criticism and more
about self-criticism and more
about self-criticism and more importantly what we can do about it and
importantly what we can do about it and
importantly what we can do about it and I’m not referring to the reflective self
I’m not referring to the reflective self
I’m not referring to the reflective self corrective process of hmm I wonder what
corrective process of hmm I wonder what
corrective process of hmm I wonder what I can learn from this which is adaptive
I can learn from this which is adaptive
I can learn from this which is adaptive and helps us out rather I’m referring to
and helps us out rather I’m referring to
and helps us out rather I’m referring to the attacking shaming and condemning
the attacking shaming and condemning
the attacking shaming and condemning kind of self-criticism that John was
kind of self-criticism that John was
kind of self-criticism that John was experiencing and I found a lot about
experiencing and I found a lot about
experiencing and I found a lot about this topic over the years because it’s
this topic over the years because it’s
this topic over the years because it’s something I see all the time in my work
something I see all the time in my work
something I see all the time in my work as a psychologist in coach whether I’m
as a psychologist in coach whether I’m
as a psychologist in coach whether I’m working with a teenage girl who’s
working with a teenage girl who’s
working with a teenage girl who’s intensely depressed because she really
intensely depressed because she really
intensely depressed because she really dislikes her looks or if I’m working
dislikes her looks or if I’m working
dislikes her looks or if I’m working with an engineer or a creative artist
with an engineer or a creative artist
with an engineer or a creative artist who keep running in their creative
who keep running in their creative
who keep running in their creative blocks because the inner critical voice
blocks because the inner critical voice
blocks because the inner critical voice calls every idea garbage
I’ve especially thought about this
I’ve especially thought about this because I noticed early on in my career
because I noticed early on in my career
because I noticed early on in my career that while I was helping some of my
that while I was helping some of my
that while I was helping some of my clients with their self-criticism
clients with their self-criticism
clients with their self-criticism quite a few of them actually told me
quite a few of them actually told me
quite a few of them actually told me something like this you know Ronnie I
something like this you know Ronnie I
something like this you know Ronnie I get it on a logical level that I’m not
get it on a logical level that I’m not
get it on a logical level that I’m not the most horrible person who’s ever
the most horrible person who’s ever
the most horrible person who’s ever lived but he still feels like it you
lived but he still feels like it you
lived but he still feels like it you know it still feels like it and these
know it still feels like it and these
know it still feels like it and these were devastating moments both for my
were devastating moments both for my
were devastating moments both for my clients who wanted to get better and for
clients who wanted to get better and for
clients who wanted to get better and for me as well because well I do what I do
me as well because well I do what I do
me as well because well I do what I do as a psychologist to help my clients
as a psychologist to help my clients
as a psychologist to help my clients suffer less and live more fully so this
suffer less and live more fully so this
suffer less and live more fully so this dilemma eventually led me out on a
dilemma eventually led me out on a
dilemma eventually led me out on a research journey to try to find out as
research journey to try to find out as
research journey to try to find out as much as I possibly could on how to help
much as I possibly could on how to help
much as I possibly could on how to help my clients end the struggle with
my clients end the struggle with
my clients end the struggle with self-criticism
self-criticism
self-criticism it’s a journey I’m still on to to this
it’s a journey I’m still on to to this
it’s a journey I’m still on to to this day however I’ve ran into some big ideas
day however I’ve ran into some big ideas
day however I’ve ran into some big ideas along the way that have made a
along the way that have made a
along the way that have made a tremendous difference for many of my
tremendous difference for many of my
tremendous difference for many of my clients and when this talk is over you
clients and when this talk is over you
clients and when this talk is over you guys will know three key ideas that can
guys will know three key ideas that can
guys will know three key ideas that can help you tame your inner critic and as a
help you tame your inner critic and as a
help you tame your inner critic and as a result enjoy the benefits of increased
result enjoy the benefits of increased
result enjoy the benefits of increased confidence courage and peace of mind the
confidence courage and peace of mind the
confidence courage and peace of mind the taming the inner critic tends to bring
taming the inner critic tends to bring
taming the inner critic tends to bring about and the first idea I want to share
about and the first idea I want to share
about and the first idea I want to share with you is this but there might be some
with you is this but there might be some
with you is this but there might be some helpful intent linked to the self
helpful intent linked to the self
helpful intent linked to the self criticism maybe the self criticism is
criticism maybe the self criticism is
criticism maybe the self criticism is trying to push you to be better at
trying to push you to be better at
trying to push you to be better at something or maybe is trying to keep you
something or maybe is trying to keep you
something or maybe is trying to keep you away from something like failure or
away from something like failure or
away from something like failure or maybe being rejected now I’ll be honest
maybe being rejected now I’ll be honest
maybe being rejected now I’ll be honest with you here when I first heard that
with you here when I first heard that
with you here when I first heard that idea I thought it sounded like so much
idea I thought it sounded like so much
idea I thought it sounded like so much I mean how on earth could this
I mean how on earth could this
I mean how on earth could this destructive self-criticism that’s
destructive self-criticism that’s
destructive self-criticism that’s bogging people down carry anything
bogging people down carry anything
bogging people down carry anything useful with it but I kept researching
useful with it but I kept researching
useful with it but I kept researching and I kept stumbling upon the same idea
and I kept stumbling upon the same idea
and I kept stumbling upon the same idea in several different schools from
in several different schools from
in several different schools from psychotherapy and also in the research
psychotherapy and also in the research
psychotherapy and also in the research literature where people like Paul
literature where people like Paul
literature where people like Paul Gilbert is finding in the UK that we
Gilbert is finding in the UK that we
Gilbert is finding in the UK that we actually associate helpful functions to
actually associate helpful functions to
actually associate helpful functions to self-criticism and therefore we might
self-criticism and therefore we might
self-criticism and therefore we might fear giving it up
but what did all of this mean then well
but what did all of this mean then well let’s return to John for a moment
let’s return to John for a moment
let’s return to John for a moment because me and John we were getting
because me and John we were getting
because me and John we were getting stuck on the I get it logically I’m not
stuck on the I get it logically I’m not
stuck on the I get it logically I’m not horrible but it feels like it level so I
horrible but it feels like it level so I
horrible but it feels like it level so I decided to give this idea but helpful
decided to give this idea but helpful
decided to give this idea but helpful intent to go with John and essentially I
intent to go with John and essentially I
intent to go with John and essentially I told him something like this you know
told him something like this you know
told him something like this you know John at times we can have competing
John at times we can have competing
John at times we can have competing commitments in our minds where it’s like
commitments in our minds where it’s like
commitments in our minds where it’s like one part of the mind shows up and says
one part of the mind shows up and says
one part of the mind shows up and says hey let’s get rid of the self-criticism
hey let’s get rid of the self-criticism
hey let’s get rid of the self-criticism then I’ll feel so much better but then
then I’ll feel so much better but then
then I’ll feel so much better but then another part of the mind scoops in and
another part of the mind scoops in and
another part of the mind scoops in and says oh no don’t get rid of me you need
says oh no don’t get rid of me you need
says oh no don’t get rid of me you need me and then these two parts can start a
me and then these two parts can start a
me and then these two parts can start a sort of a rope pulling contest in our
sort of a rope pulling contest in our
sort of a rope pulling contest in our minds and essentially it just gets us
minds and essentially it just gets us
minds and essentially it just gets us stuck now do you notice anything like
stuck now do you notice anything like
stuck now do you notice anything like this going on John John just looked
this going on John John just looked
this going on John John just looked perplexed and then he said yeah I think
perplexed and then he said yeah I think
perplexed and then he said yeah I think you’re onto something here and so we
you’re onto something here and so we
you’re onto something here and so we decided to explore this idea of helpful
decided to explore this idea of helpful
decided to explore this idea of helpful intent together with some simple
intent together with some simple
intent together with some simple questions like what do you fear might
questions like what do you fear might
questions like what do you fear might happen if you didn’t criticize yourself
happen if you didn’t criticize yourself
happen if you didn’t criticize yourself or what kind of values might your
or what kind of values might your
or what kind of values might your self-criticism be linked to thirty
self-criticism be linked to thirty
self-criticism be linked to thirty minutes later we had a couple of answers
minutes later we had a couple of answers
minutes later we had a couple of answers first John said you know I think my
first John said you know I think my
first John said you know I think my self-criticism is trying to push me to
self-criticism is trying to push me to
self-criticism is trying to push me to be a grow and be a better man by saying
be a grow and be a better man by saying
be a grow and be a better man by saying I’m not good enough and I thought the
I’m not good enough and I thought the
I’m not good enough and I thought the other kind of makes sense trying to push
other kind of makes sense trying to push
other kind of makes sense trying to push him to be better kind of like a
him to be better kind of like a
him to be better kind of like a motivational function there and then
motivational function there and then
motivational function there and then John said my self-criticism says I’m
John said my self-criticism says I’m
John said my self-criticism says I’m stupid for getting into this
stupid for getting into this
stupid for getting into this relationship because now she’s gonna see
relationship because now she’s gonna see
relationship because now she’s gonna see my defects then she’s gonna leave me
my defects then she’s gonna leave me
my defects then she’s gonna leave me that’s gonna hurt like heck and again I
that’s gonna hurt like heck and again I
that’s gonna hurt like heck and again I thought yeah that kind of make sense you
thought yeah that kind of make sense you
thought yeah that kind of make sense you know protective function trying to keep
know protective function trying to keep
know protective function trying to keep him away from being rejected yeah
him away from being rejected yeah
him away from being rejected yeah and then John said and my self-criticism
and then John said and my self-criticism
and then John said and my self-criticism says I shouldn’t get into any
says I shouldn’t get into any
says I shouldn’t get into any relationships because I just end up
relationships because I just end up
relationships because I just end up feeling sadness and shame and now this
feeling sadness and shame and now this
feeling sadness and shame and now this one was a little harder to grasp so so I
one was a little harder to grasp so so I
one was a little harder to grasp so so I asked John you know could you clarify
asked John you know could you clarify
asked John you know could you clarify that a bit what’s this about and he said
that a bit what’s this about and he said
that a bit what’s this about and he said I need to tell you something I’ve never
I need to tell you something I’ve never
I need to tell you something I’ve never told anybody before I was severely
told anybody before I was severely
told anybody before I was severely bullied in the army by both male and
bullied in the army by both male and
bullied in the army by both male and female officers and even some fellow
female officers and even some fellow
female officers and even some fellow troopers it was just 9 months of living
troopers it was just 9 months of living
troopers it was just 9 months of living hell
and I decided at that point that I was
and I decided at that point that I was never going to trust anybody ever again
so we talked about this for a while and
so we talked about this for a while and then at some point I asked John will
then at some point I asked John will
then at some point I asked John will what’s it like to look at yourself
what’s it like to look at yourself
what’s it like to look at yourself criticism now and he said you know it’s
criticism now and he said you know it’s
criticism now and he said you know it’s weird I’m I’ve never connected the dots
weird I’m I’ve never connected the dots
weird I’m I’ve never connected the dots before but yeah I’m kinda I’m getting it
before but yeah I’m kinda I’m getting it
before but yeah I’m kinda I’m getting it you know it’s trying to push me to be
you know it’s trying to push me to be
you know it’s trying to push me to be better and it’s trying to keep me away
better and it’s trying to keep me away
better and it’s trying to keep me away from ever again feeling that awful pain
from ever again feeling that awful pain
from ever again feeling that awful pain of rejection I felt in a mirror theory
of rejection I felt in a mirror theory
of rejection I felt in a mirror theory you know I get it I get it and I mean
you know I get it I get it and I mean
you know I get it I get it and I mean been feeling some warmth towards it now
been feeling some warmth towards it now
been feeling some warmth towards it now this caused a shift in John because up
this caused a shift in John because up
this caused a shift in John because up to this point he’d seen his inner critic
to this point he’d seen his inner critic
to this point he’d seen his inner critic as something that he needed to get rid
as something that he needed to get rid
as something that he needed to get rid of and now it just looked a bit more
of and now it just looked a bit more
of and now it just looked a bit more like well an unhelpful helper and this
like well an unhelpful helper and this
like well an unhelpful helper and this is the rattle Universal tain when it
is the rattle Universal tain when it
is the rattle Universal tain when it comes to harsh self-criticism if you
comes to harsh self-criticism if you
comes to harsh self-criticism if you look behind the angry facade will often
look behind the angry facade will often
look behind the angry facade will often find fierce and important values
find fierce and important values
find fierce and important values it’s like the inner cricket critic it’s
it’s like the inner cricket critic it’s
it’s like the inner cricket critic it’s kind of like an anguish sports coach
kind of like an anguish sports coach
kind of like an anguish sports coach really that wants you to succeed and
really that wants you to succeed and
really that wants you to succeed and then it does the only thing he knows how
then it does the only thing he knows how
then it does the only thing he knows how to do it yells and it screams at you and
to do it yells and it screams at you and
to do it yells and it screams at you and essentially it freaks you out and it
essentially it freaks you out and it
essentially it freaks you out and it doesn’t help you grow or develop at all
doesn’t help you grow or develop at all
doesn’t help you grow or develop at all so maybe this is an idea that can help
so maybe this is an idea that can help
so maybe this is an idea that can help you with your inner critic try to look
you with your inner critic try to look
you with your inner critic try to look behind the anger facade and see if the
behind the anger facade and see if the
behind the anger facade and see if the inner critic maybe is trying to keep you
inner critic maybe is trying to keep you
inner critic maybe is trying to keep you away from some pain maybe trying to help
away from some pain maybe trying to help
away from some pain maybe trying to help you get something like love or approval
you get something like love or approval
you get something like love or approval or maybe he’s trying to push you to be
or maybe he’s trying to push you to be
or maybe he’s trying to push you to be the kind of person you want to be but
the kind of person you want to be but
the kind of person you want to be but with a really poor execution style now
with a really poor execution style now
with a really poor execution style now was this all it took for John to get
was this all it took for John to get
was this all it took for John to get better well not quite he certainly felt
better well not quite he certainly felt
better well not quite he certainly felt better in the session and he sensed
better in the session and he sensed
better in the session and he sensed something get shifted inside and then it
something get shifted inside and then it
something get shifted inside and then it came back a week later and he told me
came back a week later and he told me
came back a week later and he told me that it’s a little less intense but it’s
that it’s a little less intense but it’s
that it’s a little less intense but it’s still taking me over and that’s actually
still taking me over and that’s actually
still taking me over and that’s actually a very common experience I think most of
a very common experience I think most of
a very common experience I think most of us have had the experience of having
us have had the experience of having
us have had the experience of having just beautiful insights about ourselves
just beautiful insights about ourselves
just beautiful insights about ourselves or about how the world works
or about how the world works
or about how the world works that’s still don’t translate into any
that’s still don’t translate into any
that’s still don’t translate into any real change so what else could be done
real change so what else could be done
real change so what else could be done well let’s take a look at the key number
well let’s take a look at the key number
well let’s take a look at the key number two for taming the inner critic which is
two for taming the inner critic which is
two for taming the inner critic which is taking a step back this is something I
taking a step back this is something I
taking a step back this is something I first stumbled across in some modern
first stumbled across in some modern
first stumbled across in some modern forms of psychotherapy and it has its
forms of psychotherapy and it has its
forms of psychotherapy and it has its roots in our ancient wisdom traditions
roots in our ancient wisdom traditions
roots in our ancient wisdom traditions to talk about things like mindfulness
to talk about things like mindfulness
to talk about things like mindfulness and meditation so what would taking a
and meditation so what would taking a
and meditation so what would taking a step back look like let’s return to John
step back look like let’s return to John
step back look like let’s return to John for some clarification
for some clarification
for some clarification now first John if you imagine that my
now first John if you imagine that my
now first John if you imagine that my hands here represents John
hands here represents John
hands here represents John self-criticism then we could say that
self-criticism then we could say that
self-criticism then we could say that his self-criticism was right here in his
his self-criticism was right here in his
his self-criticism was right here in his face a lot at a time criticizing shaming
face a lot at a time criticizing shaming
face a lot at a time criticizing shaming and condemning him now naturally at this
and condemning him now naturally at this
and condemning him now naturally at this point he’d feel really bad about himself
point he’d feel really bad about himself
point he’d feel really bad about himself and he’d also have a hard time like
and he’d also have a hard time like
and he’d also have a hard time like doing anything that really mattered to
doing anything that really mattered to
doing anything that really mattered to him and I described this to John and he
him and I described this to John and he
him and I described this to John and he said yeah that’s exactly what it feels
said yeah that’s exactly what it feels
said yeah that’s exactly what it feels like and so I suggested to John it would
like and so I suggested to John it would
like and so I suggested to John it would try to find a way for him to take a step
try to find a way for him to take a step
try to find a way for him to take a step back
back
back so essentially just getting some
so essentially just getting some
so essentially just getting some distance from the critic even to the
distance from the critic even to the
distance from the critic even to the point that the inner critic would move
point that the inner critic would move
point that the inner critic would move into the role of a radio playing in the
into the role of a radio playing in the
into the role of a radio playing in the background still playing it’s pretty
background still playing it’s pretty
background still playing it’s pretty cool too but without all that much
cool too but without all that much
cool too but without all that much impact and John really liked this idea
impact and John really liked this idea
impact and John really liked this idea so we talked about it for a while and
so we talked about it for a while and
so we talked about it for a while and and then he come up with this really
and then he come up with this really
and then he come up with this really cool idea and he said I’m gonna give it
cool idea and he said I’m gonna give it
cool idea and he said I’m gonna give it a name yeah I’m gonna call it sake
a name yeah I’m gonna call it sake
a name yeah I’m gonna call it sake Johnny because that’s what it felt like
Johnny because that’s what it felt like
Johnny because that’s what it felt like back in the military and and John really
back in the military and and John really
back in the military and and John really started playing around with this idea
started playing around with this idea
started playing around with this idea and whenever the self-criticism would
and whenever the self-criticism would
and whenever the self-criticism would show up he just go oh it’s sake Johnny
show up he just go oh it’s sake Johnny
show up he just go oh it’s sake Johnny paid me a visit again and he’d scoop it
paid me a visit again and he’d scoop it
paid me a visit again and he’d scoop it to the side a bit and keep doing
to the side a bit and keep doing
to the side a bit and keep doing whatever he was doing and it seemed to
whatever he was doing and it seemed to
whatever he was doing and it seemed to help him out quite a bit and and I know
help him out quite a bit and and I know
help him out quite a bit and and I know this idea might sound a bit silly so I
this idea might sound a bit silly so I
this idea might sound a bit silly so I want to emphasize that the idea isn’t to
want to emphasize that the idea isn’t to
want to emphasize that the idea isn’t to ridicule yourself or ridicule yourself
ridicule yourself or ridicule yourself
ridicule yourself or ridicule yourself criticism just to get some distance and
criticism just to get some distance and
criticism just to get some distance and the science behind this idea is solid
the science behind this idea is solid
the science behind this idea is solid indicating the distancing ourselves from
indicating the distancing ourselves from
indicating the distancing ourselves from psychological distress can be highly
psychological distress can be highly
psychological distress can be highly useful so I suggest you give it a try
useful so I suggest you give it a try
useful so I suggest you give it a try with your own self-criticism
with your own self-criticism
with your own self-criticism you could try writing your critical
you could try writing your critical
you could try writing your critical thoughts down on a piece of paper and
thoughts down on a piece of paper and
thoughts down on a piece of paper and then distancing yourself from the paper
then distancing yourself from the paper
then distancing yourself from the paper the artistically inclined among us could
the artistically inclined among us could
the artistically inclined among us could try drawing the inner critic and maybe
try drawing the inner critic and maybe
try drawing the inner critic and maybe add a funny half while you’re at it and
add a funny half while you’re at it and
add a funny half while you’re at it and then distancing yourself from the
then distancing yourself from the
then distancing yourself from the drawing or you could give it a name like
drawing or you could give it a name like
drawing or you could give it a name like John did but try to find a way to take a
John did but try to find a way to take a
John did but try to find a way to take a step back and see what happens there was
step back and see what happens there was
step back and see what happens there was one more thing we needed to consider
one more thing we needed to consider
one more thing we needed to consider with John Doe how we define the courage
with John Doe how we define the courage
with John Doe how we define the courage to be trusting and vulnerable in
to be trusting and vulnerable in
to be trusting and vulnerable in relationships again well let’s take a
relationships again well let’s take a
relationships again well let’s take a look at the key number three for taming
look at the key number three for taming
look at the key number three for taming the inner critic which is cultivating a
the inner critic which is cultivating a
the inner critic which is cultivating a compassionate coach inside so
compassionate coach inside so
compassionate coach inside so essentially we’re talking about swapping
essentially we’re talking about swapping
essentially we’re talking about swapping out the angry sports coach and instead
out the angry sports coach and instead
out the angry sports coach and instead bringing in a more kind and
bringing in a more kind and
bringing in a more kind and compassionate point of view that will
compassionate point of view that will
compassionate point of view that will allow us to access our inner guidance
allow us to access our inner guidance
allow us to access our inner guidance are we
are we
are we courage and our inner commitment to
courage and our inner commitment to
courage and our inner commitment to things that matter to us and this is an
things that matter to us and this is an
things that matter to us and this is an idea that’s being shown to significantly
idea that’s being shown to significantly
idea that’s being shown to significantly lowere a sense of depression shame and
lowere a sense of depression shame and
lowere a sense of depression shame and chronic self-criticism in multiple
chronic self-criticism in multiple
chronic self-criticism in multiple research studies over the last 10 years
research studies over the last 10 years
research studies over the last 10 years in some cases even after just two weeks
in some cases even after just two weeks
in some cases even after just two weeks of practice so what does this idea look
of practice so what does this idea look
of practice so what does this idea look like let’s see how John applied it he
like let’s see how John applied it he
like let’s see how John applied it he liked this idea of an era coach so we
liked this idea of an era coach so we
liked this idea of an era coach so we spent quite some time thinking about
spent quite some time thinking about
spent quite some time thinking about what it would be like if he were a
what it would be like if he were a
what it would be like if he were a compassionate coach to himself what kind
compassionate coach to himself what kind
compassionate coach to himself what kind of words he would say to himself what
of words he would say to himself what
of words he would say to himself what kind of voice tone he would use you know
kind of voice tone he would use you know
kind of voice tone he would use you know would it be really Forrest or would it
would it be really Forrest or would it
would it be really Forrest or would it be calmer and maybe a more reassuring
be calmer and maybe a more reassuring
be calmer and maybe a more reassuring voice tone how he would hold his body
voice tone how he would hold his body
voice tone how he would hold his body how he would breed would it be shallow
how he would breed would it be shallow
how he would breed would it be shallow or deeper and so on and John started
or deeper and so on and John started
or deeper and so on and John started practicing this idea just for a couple
practicing this idea just for a couple
practicing this idea just for a couple of minutes out of every morning and he
of minutes out of every morning and he
of minutes out of every morning and he told me that I get up in the morning and
told me that I get up in the morning and
told me that I get up in the morning and then I just tried to step into the role
then I just tried to step into the role
then I just tried to step into the role of a compassionate coach so I get into
of a compassionate coach so I get into
of a compassionate coach so I get into the steady body language I breathe a bit
the steady body language I breathe a bit
the steady body language I breathe a bit deeper and then I try to think about
deeper and then I try to think about
deeper and then I try to think about some way that I could dare in my
some way that I could dare in my
some way that I could dare in my relationship today and then I offer some
relationship today and then I offer some
relationship today and then I offer some encouraging words to myself like I know
encouraging words to myself like I know
encouraging words to myself like I know it’s a bit spooky but you can do it go
it’s a bit spooky but you can do it go
it’s a bit spooky but you can do it go for it this is important to you and then
for it this is important to you and then
for it this is important to you and then one day John came to my office he had a
one day John came to my office he had a
one day John came to my office he had a huge grin on his face and he said you
huge grin on his face and he said you
huge grin on his face and he said you know I I just told my girlfriend about
know I I just told my girlfriend about
know I I just told my girlfriend about the military experience it just it just
the military experience it just it just
the military experience it just it just don’t pour it out of me and and then we
don’t pour it out of me and and then we
don’t pour it out of me and and then we had the most amazing talk ever and later
had the most amazing talk ever and later
had the most amazing talk ever and later on the most amazing sex ever now John
on the most amazing sex ever now John
on the most amazing sex ever now John was clearly learning that it might be
was clearly learning that it might be
was clearly learning that it might be okay to be trusting and vulnerable in
okay to be trusting and vulnerable in
okay to be trusting and vulnerable in this relationship so soon enough our
this relationship so soon enough our
this relationship so soon enough our work together was complete and I hadn’t
work together was complete and I hadn’t
work together was complete and I hadn’t heard from him in a couple of years
heard from him in a couple of years
heard from him in a couple of years actually until I got an email from him
actually until I got an email from him
actually until I got an email from him last year where he said I just got
last year where he said I just got
last year where he said I just got married
married
married and PS sake Johnny still shows up at
and PS sake Johnny still shows up at
and PS sake Johnny still shows up at times but I try to treat him kindly I
think John’s story showcases how some
think John’s story showcases how some key ideas can help us grow out of old
key ideas can help us grow out of old
key ideas can help us grow out of old patterns like self-criticism so if you
patterns like self-criticism so if you
patterns like self-criticism so if you notice that your inner critic is giving
notice that your inner critic is giving
notice that your inner critic is giving you a hard time why not give these ideas
you a hard time why not give these ideas
you a hard time why not give these ideas a shot number one try to understand the
a shot number one try to understand the
a shot number one try to understand the helpful intent number two take a step
helpful intent number two take a step
helpful intent number two take a step back from the criticism and number three
back from the criticism and number three
back from the criticism and number three cultivate a compassionate coach inside
cultivate a compassionate coach inside
cultivate a compassionate coach inside and as you access compassion for
and as you access compassion for
and as you access compassion for yourself I believe that you engage in
yourself I believe that you engage in
yourself I believe that you engage in helping both yourself and everybody
helping both yourself and everybody
helping both yourself and everybody around you as the great author and
around you as the great author and
around you as the great author and professor Leo Buscaglia once wrote
professor Leo Buscaglia once wrote
professor Leo Buscaglia once wrote forgive yourself and be good to yourself
forgive yourself and be good to yourself
forgive yourself and be good to yourself for without you at your best the rest of
for without you at your best the rest of
for without you at your best the rest of us are missing out on many wonderful
us are missing out on many wonderful
us are missing out on many wonderful things and I hope this talk has given
things and I hope this talk has given
things and I hope this talk has given you some ideas for how to be good to
you some ideas for how to be good to
you some ideas for how to be good to yourself and others thank you
yourself and others thank you
yourself and others thank you [Applause]
”
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