parenting might seem intuitive but it’s not hi I’m Rebecca Brayton and welcome
not hi I’m Rebecca Brayton and welcome
not hi I’m Rebecca Brayton and welcome to watchmojo.com and today we’re
to watchmojo.com and today we’re
to watchmojo.com and today we’re speaking with psychotherapist Allison
speaking with psychotherapist Allison
speaking with psychotherapist Allison Shafer to find out how we should be
Shafer to find out how we should be
Shafer to find out how we should be parenting our children in the 21st
parenting our children in the 21st
parenting our children in the 21st century first of all could you just
century first of all could you just
century first of all could you just outline your premise in honey I wreck
outline your premise in honey I wreck
outline your premise in honey I wreck the kids I’m trying to explain to
the kids I’m trying to explain to
the kids I’m trying to explain to parents that there is a new style of
parents that there is a new style of
parents that there is a new style of parenting called democratic parenting
parenting called democratic parenting
parenting called democratic parenting which is different than autocratic which
which is different than autocratic which
which is different than autocratic which is how most of us were raised kind of
is how most of us were raised kind of
is how most of us were raised kind of the Archie Bunker scream and yell at do
the Archie Bunker scream and yell at do
the Archie Bunker scream and yell at do it because I say so and distinguishing
it because I say so and distinguishing
it because I say so and distinguishing it from where we kind of went as a
it from where we kind of went as a
it from where we kind of went as a society which is we became incredibly
society which is we became incredibly
society which is we became incredibly permissive and let our kids walk all
permissive and let our kids walk all
permissive and let our kids walk all over us that wasn’t working either there
over us that wasn’t working either there
over us that wasn’t working either there is this third alternative and I want to
is this third alternative and I want to
is this third alternative and I want to tell the world about the third
tell the world about the third
tell the world about the third alternative and how you can actually be
alternative and how you can actually be
alternative and how you can actually be a disciplinarian and still maintain
a disciplinarian and still maintain
a disciplinarian and still maintain respect for yourself and your child and
respect for yourself and your child and
respect for yourself and your child and what would you say has caused this kind
what would you say has caused this kind
what would you say has caused this kind of evolution between parents and
of evolution between parents and
of evolution between parents and children I think we’ve experienced an
children I think we’ve experienced an
children I think we’ve experienced an improvement in human relationships and
improvement in human relationships and
improvement in human relationships and gender relationships I think in race
gender relationships I think in race
gender relationships I think in race relations we’ve seen an improvement
relations we’ve seen an improvement
relations we’ve seen an improvement we’ve just elected the first black man
we’ve just elected the first black man
we’ve just elected the first black man into the White House and now we’re
into the White House and now we’re
into the White House and now we’re seeing that children are having their
seeing that children are having their
seeing that children are having their own fight about ageism which means just
own fight about ageism which means just
own fight about ageism which means just because I’m small just because I’m young
because I’m small just because I’m young
because I’m small just because I’m young just because I’m incapable doesn’t mean
just because I’m incapable doesn’t mean
just because I’m incapable doesn’t mean that you can demean me in your parenting
that you can demean me in your parenting
that you can demean me in your parenting tactics and so we have to learn how to
tactics and so we have to learn how to
tactics and so we have to learn how to be a disciplinarian where we can treat
be a disciplinarian where we can treat
be a disciplinarian where we can treat someone respectfully but still be
someone respectfully but still be
someone respectfully but still be effective and this is where parents
effective and this is where parents
effective and this is where parents don’t know how to do it because mostly
don’t know how to do it because mostly
don’t know how to do it because mostly they just say let me just ask nicely and
they just say let me just ask nicely and
they just say let me just ask nicely and when that doesn’t work they don’t know
when that doesn’t work they don’t know
when that doesn’t work they don’t know what else to do can you really wreck
what else to do can you really wreck
what else to do can you really wreck your kids it is a humorous title but
your kids it is a humorous title but
your kids it is a humorous title but actually it’s a very feel good book it’s
actually it’s a very feel good book it’s
actually it’s a very feel good book it’s really helping parents understand that
really helping parents understand that
really helping parents understand that we create a dysfunctional pattern and
we create a dysfunctional pattern and
we create a dysfunctional pattern and that those patterns can be changed that
that those patterns can be changed that
that those patterns can be changed that it isn’t permanent I reparable damage
it isn’t permanent I reparable damage
it isn’t permanent I reparable damage know you mentioned ripple effects of
know you mentioned ripple effects of
know you mentioned ripple effects of having a behaviorally challenged child
having a behaviorally challenged child
having a behaviorally challenged child what are these effects well certainly
what are these effects well certainly
what are these effects well certainly there’s a lot of families who the
there’s a lot of families who the
there’s a lot of families who the largest problem that they have is it is
largest problem that they have is it is
largest problem that they have is it is problems with the children and then the
problems with the children and then the
problems with the children and then the parents begin to fight about how to
parents begin to fight about how to
parents begin to fight about how to parent the children and then they don’t
parent the children and then they don’t
parent the children and then they don’t want to go home and go to family
want to go home and go to family
want to go home and go to family functions because suddenly now as the
functions because suddenly now as the
functions because suddenly now as the grown up I don’t want to talk to my
grown up I don’t want to talk to my
grown up I don’t want to talk to my sister because I’m embarrassed about the
sister because I’m embarrassed about the
sister because I’m embarrassed about the way my children are behaving and she’s
way my children are behaving and she’s
way my children are behaving and she’s starting to judge me and you can watch
starting to judge me and you can watch
starting to judge me and you can watch multi generations of a family star
multi generations of a family star
multi generations of a family star being all dysfunctional because of one
being all dysfunctional because of one
being all dysfunctional because of one misbehaving child what are some
misbehaving child what are some
misbehaving child what are some traditional parenting techniques that
traditional parenting techniques that
traditional parenting techniques that don’t work anymore the subtitle of the
don’t work anymore the subtitle of the
don’t work anymore the subtitle of the book you know is a whole laundry list of
book you know is a whole laundry list of
book you know is a whole laundry list of these things right yelling screaming
these things right yelling screaming
these things right yelling screaming threats bribes timeouts you know we have
threats bribes timeouts you know we have
threats bribes timeouts you know we have all these nanny shows on television now
all these nanny shows on television now
all these nanny shows on television now which try to say listen your child’s out
which try to say listen your child’s out
which try to say listen your child’s out of control so you better get back
of control so you better get back
of control so you better get back control you better be firmer and you
control you better be firmer and you
control you better be firmer and you better be meaner and you better
better be meaner and you better
better be meaner and you better manipulate all of those have as a
manipulate all of those have as a
manipulate all of those have as a premise that you’re going to have a
premise that you’re going to have a
premise that you’re going to have a subservient child it’s based on
subservient child it’s based on
subservient child it’s based on oppression it’s based on manipulation
oppression it’s based on manipulation
oppression it’s based on manipulation and it’s a control model and I’m
and it’s a control model and I’m
and it’s a control model and I’m suggesting rather than having external
suggesting rather than having external
suggesting rather than having external control that instead that we look for
control that instead that we look for
control that instead that we look for intrinsic motivation that we want to win
intrinsic motivation that we want to win
intrinsic motivation that we want to win children’s cooperation and that’s just
children’s cooperation and that’s just
children’s cooperation and that’s just fundamentally different things like
fundamentally different things like
fundamentally different things like logical consequences natural
logical consequences natural
logical consequences natural consequences Co joint problem solving
consequences Co joint problem solving
consequences Co joint problem solving these are all things that parents read
these are all things that parents read
these are all things that parents read the book or take a course they learn
the book or take a course they learn
the book or take a course they learn what are some of the pitfalls of
what are some of the pitfalls of
what are some of the pitfalls of teaching your child to blindly obey
teaching your child to blindly obey
teaching your child to blindly obey Authority because there are parents who
Authority because there are parents who
Authority because there are parents who will still say yeah okay Allison love
will still say yeah okay Allison love
will still say yeah okay Allison love you but I do want that obedient child
you but I do want that obedient child
you but I do want that obedient child what’s wrong with that I was spanked and
what’s wrong with that I was spanked and
what’s wrong with that I was spanked and I turned out okay that’s very common but
I turned out okay that’s very common but
I turned out okay that’s very common but we find is that if you look at an
we find is that if you look at an
we find is that if you look at an obedient child they’re willing to look
obedient child they’re willing to look
obedient child they’re willing to look at an authority figure and do what the
at an authority figure and do what the
at an authority figure and do what the authority figure says now if you’re the
authority figure says now if you’re the
authority figure says now if you’re the parent and you have the child’s best
parent and you have the child’s best
parent and you have the child’s best interest in mind then that’s all right
interest in mind then that’s all right
interest in mind then that’s all right but what if that person is someone who
but what if that person is someone who
but what if that person is someone who doesn’t have the child’s best interest
doesn’t have the child’s best interest
doesn’t have the child’s best interest in mind and what we know is that those
in mind and what we know is that those
in mind and what we know is that those children that have victims of sexual
children that have victims of sexual
children that have victims of sexual abuse have done so at the hands of a
abuse have done so at the hands of a
abuse have done so at the hands of a known adult in their life and uncle a
known adult in their life and uncle a
known adult in their life and uncle a caregiver those are the people that have
caregiver those are the people that have
caregiver those are the people that have the child is now being obedient and when
the child is now being obedient and when
the child is now being obedient and when they say don’t tell mummy this is our
they say don’t tell mummy this is our
they say don’t tell mummy this is our little secret that’s what see now
little secret that’s what see now
little secret that’s what see now wouldn’t you prefer to have a
wouldn’t you prefer to have a
wouldn’t you prefer to have a disobedient child the one that says hey
disobedient child the one that says hey
disobedient child the one that says hey no I’m gonna go tell my mommy that is
no I’m gonna go tell my mommy that is
no I’m gonna go tell my mommy that is not okay I notice a list of bogus
not okay I notice a list of bogus
not okay I notice a list of bogus parenting phrases that we should be
parenting phrases that we should be
parenting phrases that we should be eliminating from our vocabulary what
eliminating from our vocabulary what
eliminating from our vocabulary what might they be honestly if you just
might they be honestly if you just
might they be honestly if you just walked around and recorded and wrote
walked around and recorded and wrote
walked around and recorded and wrote down the kinds of things that we say
down the kinds of things that we say
down the kinds of things that we say they’re almost all demeaning it’s
they’re almost all demeaning it’s
they’re almost all demeaning it’s amazing so we don’t really have really
amazing so we don’t really have really
amazing so we don’t really have really good constructive language for kids but
good constructive language for kids but
good constructive language for kids but certainly one of the more common one is
certainly one of the more common one is
certainly one of the more common one is when parents will probe around what were
when parents will probe around what were
when parents will probe around what were you thinking which
you thinking which
you thinking which who are you thinking when you did that
who are you thinking when you did that
who are you thinking when you did that and the truth is behavior from a child’s
and the truth is behavior from a child’s
and the truth is behavior from a child’s perspective it falls from their belief
perspective it falls from their belief
perspective it falls from their belief system and happens at a pre conscious
system and happens at a pre conscious
system and happens at a pre conscious level they don’t know why they hit their
level they don’t know why they hit their
level they don’t know why they hit their brother they don’t know why they refuse
brother they don’t know why they refuse
brother they don’t know why they refuse to keep their room clean they’re not
to keep their room clean they’re not
to keep their room clean they’re not aware of it so it’s an unfair question
aware of it so it’s an unfair question
aware of it so it’s an unfair question to ask thank you very much thank you
”
Be First to Comment