John’s Rant of the Day: Sun Tanning

hi i am world-renowned raconteur John

hi i am world-renowned raconteur John Hastings and this is watchmojo.com and

Hastings and this is watchmojo.com and

Hastings and this is watchmojo.com and ladies and gentlemen it’s summertime

ladies and gentlemen it’s summertime

ladies and gentlemen it’s summertime sort of it’s overcast you want to know

sort of it’s overcast you want to know

sort of it’s overcast you want to know what I’m kind of happy it’s overcast

what I’m kind of happy it’s overcast

what I’m kind of happy it’s overcast because I am a big giant white person I

because I am a big giant white person I

because I am a big giant white person I absorbed Sun like a god damn solar panel

absorbed Sun like a god damn solar panel

absorbed Sun like a god damn solar panel it’s terrible I walk around for three

it’s terrible I walk around for three

it’s terrible I walk around for three months sweating it’s terrible it’s the

months sweating it’s terrible it’s the

months sweating it’s terrible it’s the worst and here’s the biggest problem

worst and here’s the biggest problem

worst and here’s the biggest problem you’re on a road trip it’s beautiful its

you’re on a road trip it’s beautiful its

you’re on a road trip it’s beautiful its iconic you want to roll down the window

iconic you want to roll down the window

iconic you want to roll down the window stick your hand out I stick my hand out

stick your hand out I stick my hand out

stick your hand out I stick my hand out to do that wave thing it comes back on

to do that wave thing it comes back on

to do that wave thing it comes back on fire it’s terrible and then you know

fire it’s terrible and then you know

fire it’s terrible and then you know what you’re doing you want to get a

what you’re doing you want to get a

what you’re doing you want to get a pretty girl you want to get a pretty

pretty girl you want to get a pretty

pretty girl you want to get a pretty girl for the summer so what do you got

girl for the summer so what do you got

girl for the summer so what do you got to do you got to get a suntan you got to

to do you got to get a suntan you got to

to do you got to get a suntan you got to get beautiful and bronzed and I am NOT a

get beautiful and bronzed and I am NOT a

get beautiful and bronzed and I am NOT a tough person by any means ladies and

tough person by any means ladies and

tough person by any means ladies and gentlemen not at all let’s say the

gentlemen not at all let’s say the

gentlemen not at all let’s say the camera man decided he didn’t like what I

camera man decided he didn’t like what I

camera man decided he didn’t like what I was saying about his girlfriend by the

was saying about his girlfriend by the

was saying about his girlfriend by the way sheezus what kidding I’m kidding

way sheezus what kidding I’m kidding

way sheezus what kidding I’m kidding buddy but let’s say he didn’t like it he

buddy but let’s say he didn’t like it he

buddy but let’s say he didn’t like it he wanted to fight wonder what my only move

wanted to fight wonder what my only move

wanted to fight wonder what my only move would be I’d have to get into the fetal

would be I’d have to get into the fetal

would be I’d have to get into the fetal position and cry and hold my tears pool

position and cry and hold my tears pool

position and cry and hold my tears pool so he would slip and fall and then I

so he would slip and fall and then I

so he would slip and fall and then I would have him do you know what I mean

would have him do you know what I mean

would have him do you know what I mean but I do show my toughness is deep down

but I do show my toughness is deep down

but I do show my toughness is deep down inside me and the cockles I believe and

inside me and the cockles I believe and

inside me and the cockles I believe and this is how I show on top with the

this is how I show on top with the

this is how I show on top with the entire length of the summer I big giant

entire length of the summer I big giant

entire length of the summer I big giant egg color man do not apply sunscreen at

egg color man do not apply sunscreen at

egg color man do not apply sunscreen at all no I walk around more boiled than a

all no I walk around more boiled than a

all no I walk around more boiled than a lobster more seared than a Nazi in hell

lobster more seared than a Nazi in hell

lobster more seared than a Nazi in hell damn straight and here’s the thing if I

damn straight and here’s the thing if I

damn straight and here’s the thing if I even do get a girl I don’t want them to

even do get a girl I don’t want them to

even do get a girl I don’t want them to touch me I want to get a blowjob but a

touch me I want to get a blowjob but a

touch me I want to get a blowjob but a different kind I want them to blow on me

different kind I want them to blow on me

different kind I want them to blow on me and then I tell them to fill the bathtub

and then I tell them to fill the bathtub

and then I tell them to fill the bathtub full of ice and then get the gout

full of ice and then get the gout

full of ice and then get the gout because I want to listen to some Kenny G

because I want to listen to some Kenny G

because I want to listen to some Kenny G and relax my skin is on fire it’s

and relax my skin is on fire it’s

and relax my skin is on fire it’s terrible I can’t get a girl I don’t know

terrible I can’t get a girl I don’t know

terrible I can’t get a girl I don’t know how to deal with it for the Internet I’m

how to deal with it for the Internet I’m

how to deal with it for the Internet I’m John Hastings