I speak fluent white people my black people is pretty good but I’m not fluent
people is pretty good but I’m not fluent
people is pretty good but I’m not fluent I learned white people on army bases
I learned white people on army bases
I learned white people on army bases when my father was a military officer
when my father was a military officer
when my father was a military officer I learned black people at home a little
I learned black people at home a little
I learned black people at home a little bit of high school I went to an
bit of high school I went to an
bit of high school I went to an all-black college but it’s never been my
all-black college but it’s never been my
all-black college but it’s never been my native tongue of course having fluency
native tongue of course having fluency
native tongue of course having fluency in one language and a skilled
in one language and a skilled
in one language and a skilled proficiency in the other did not mean
proficiency in the other did not mean
proficiency in the other did not mean that I fit in to either world I was
that I fit in to either world I was
that I fit in to either world I was about 14 in Morgantown West Virginia I
about 14 in Morgantown West Virginia I
about 14 in Morgantown West Virginia I was in junior high school when a white
was in junior high school when a white
was in junior high school when a white male classmate called me nigga my
male classmate called me nigga my
male classmate called me nigga my fluency in language was completely
fluency in language was completely
fluency in language was completely immaterial to him
immaterial to him
immaterial to him I had no space and no place in his world
I had no space and no place in his world
I had no space and no place in his world he was happy to let me know years
he was happy to let me know years
he was happy to let me know years earlier I lived in Institute West
earlier I lived in Institute West
earlier I lived in Institute West Virginia and I went there the elementary
Virginia and I went there the elementary
Virginia and I went there the elementary school there was a small school that was
school there was a small school that was
school there was a small school that was placed on a college campus it was my
placed on a college campus it was my
placed on a college campus it was my first all-black school experience one
first all-black school experience one
first all-black school experience one day a friend and I were walking home
day a friend and I were walking home
day a friend and I were walking home from school and then we got into a
from school and then we got into a
from school and then we got into a quarrel my friend was too light-skinned
quarrel my friend was too light-skinned
quarrel my friend was too light-skinned kind of a cafe au lait with a lot of lay
kind of a cafe au lait with a lot of lay
kind of a cafe au lait with a lot of lay I was as you kind of see me now a walnut
I was as you kind of see me now a walnut
I was as you kind of see me now a walnut colored maybe pecan anyway I don’t
colored maybe pecan anyway I don’t
colored maybe pecan anyway I don’t remember why we quarreled but I remember
remember why we quarreled but I remember
remember why we quarreled but I remember her face contorted and anger as she
her face contorted and anger as she
her face contorted and anger as she looked at me and said you are black and
looked at me and said you are black and
looked at me and said you are black and ugly
this was the mid-1960s before black had
this was the mid-1960s before black had been changed into a self-affirmation a
been changed into a self-affirmation a
been changed into a self-affirmation a common as self-affirmation and pride at
common as self-affirmation and pride at
common as self-affirmation and pride at that time it was probably one of the
that time it was probably one of the
that time it was probably one of the worst things that one Negro could say to
worst things that one Negro could say to
worst things that one Negro could say to another I ran home sobbing when my
another I ran home sobbing when my
another I ran home sobbing when my classmate had called me nigger it had
classmate had called me nigger it had
classmate had called me nigger it had been painful it had been unnecessary but
been painful it had been unnecessary but
been painful it had been unnecessary but it wasn’t a surprise I mean my world had
it wasn’t a surprise I mean my world had
it wasn’t a surprise I mean my world had somewhat prepared me for that but when
somewhat prepared me for that but when
somewhat prepared me for that but when my friend when my friend called me black
my friend when my friend called me black
my friend when my friend called me black and ugly
and ugly
and ugly I had no armor to protect me against
I had no armor to protect me against
I had no armor to protect me against that it took my mother’s arms and a poem
that it took my mother’s arms and a poem
that it took my mother’s arms and a poem written by my great grandmother to kind
written by my great grandmother to kind
written by my great grandmother to kind of calm me down my favorite lines of the
of calm me down my favorite lines of the
of calm me down my favorite lines of the poem are I speak of the charms of the
poem are I speak of the charms of the
poem are I speak of the charms of the gentle brown arms and the eyes that
gentle brown arms and the eyes that
gentle brown arms and the eyes that reflect the sunlight as a little black
reflect the sunlight as a little black
reflect the sunlight as a little black girl those words were the first other
girl those words were the first other
girl those words were the first other than things that I had heard within my
than things that I had heard within my
than things that I had heard within my family they were the first to assure me
family they were the first to assure me
family they were the first to assure me that what I was mattered who I was
that what I was mattered who I was
that what I was mattered who I was mattered they assured me still
in retrospect I learn from those
in retrospect I learn from those experiences and others like them that
experiences and others like them that
experiences and others like them that regardless of what people assumed when
regardless of what people assumed when
regardless of what people assumed when they saw me or when they heard me I did
they saw me or when they heard me I did
they saw me or when they heard me I did not belong in either the black or the
not belong in either the black or the
not belong in either the black or the white world I also learned that words
white world I also learned that words
white world I also learned that words can change and shape reality what those
can change and shape reality what those
can change and shape reality what those kids said to me not only had an impact
kids said to me not only had an impact
kids said to me not only had an impact on how I understood myself but also on
on how I understood myself but also on
on how I understood myself but also on my ability to navigate my environment
my ability to navigate my environment
my ability to navigate my environment regardless of whether or not I believed
regardless of whether or not I believed
regardless of whether or not I believed their characterization of me I still had
their characterization of me I still had
their characterization of me I still had to maneuver around their perspectives
to maneuver around their perspectives
to maneuver around their perspectives and the impact those perspectives had on
and the impact those perspectives had on
and the impact those perspectives had on my life words have power they impact how
my life words have power they impact how
my life words have power they impact how we think and act and sometimes words
we think and act and sometimes words
we think and act and sometimes words take us down a path where we really
take us down a path where we really
take us down a path where we really don’t want to go
don’t want to go
don’t want to go inclusion is one of those words the
inclusion is one of those words the
inclusion is one of those words the latest in a long line of descriptors
latest in a long line of descriptors
latest in a long line of descriptors that help people to think about how to
that help people to think about how to
that help people to think about how to interact with folks who frankly are not
interact with folks who frankly are not
interact with folks who frankly are not like us inclusion is the descendant of
like us inclusion is the descendant of
like us inclusion is the descendant of words such as affirmative action equal
words such as affirmative action equal
words such as affirmative action equal opportunity tolerance diversity and it
opportunity tolerance diversity and it
opportunity tolerance diversity and it seems to suggest the state it seems to
seems to suggest the state it seems to
seems to suggest the state it seems to promise a state with those who are not
promise a state with those who are not
promise a state with those who are not included finally get to come into the
included finally get to come into the
included finally get to come into the club the problem is that it doesn’t
club the problem is that it doesn’t
club the problem is that it doesn’t deliver on what it promises when
deliver on what it promises when
deliver on what it promises when we were writing our book leading in
we were writing our book leading in
we were writing our book leading in black and white my co-author keith caver
black and white my co-author keith caver
black and white my co-author keith caver and i talked to many organizations and
and i talked to many organizations and
and i talked to many organizations and talked to those organizations and many
talked to those organizations and many
talked to those organizations and many of them talked about the wonder and
of them talked about the wonder and
of them talked about the wonder and power of inclusion at the same time they
power of inclusion at the same time they
power of inclusion at the same time they were tightly monitoring the behaviors of
were tightly monitoring the behaviors of
were tightly monitoring the behaviors of those who are different we had a they
those who are different we had a they
those who are different we had a they would watch black managers and those
would watch black managers and those
would watch black managers and those managers those black managers hired
managers those black managers hired
managers those black managers hired mostly black employees we’re typically
mostly black employees we’re typically
mostly black employees we’re typically viewed with suspicion and their higher
viewed with suspicion and their higher
viewed with suspicion and their higher EES were often assumed to be less
EES were often assumed to be less
EES were often assumed to be less qualified well white managers who hired
qualified well white managers who hired
qualified well white managers who hired mostly white employees we’re typically
mostly white employees we’re typically
mostly white employees we’re typically viewed as being well completely
viewed as being well completely
viewed as being well completely unremarkable the thing is that
unremarkable the thing is that
unremarkable the thing is that inclusions suggests an openness to
inclusions suggests an openness to
inclusions suggests an openness to difference that doesn’t really exist and
difference that doesn’t really exist and
difference that doesn’t really exist and that’s because the gatekeepers have the
that’s because the gatekeepers have the
that’s because the gatekeepers have the power to choose who gets to be included
power to choose who gets to be included
power to choose who gets to be included and to come in how long they get to stay
and to come in how long they get to stay
and to come in how long they get to stay and if maybe they need to put at B put
and if maybe they need to put at B put
and if maybe they need to put at B put how they get to shape the behaviors of
how they get to shape the behaviors of
how they get to shape the behaviors of those they have included and that’s
those they have included and that’s
those they have included and that’s because they set the norms and the norms
because they set the norms and the norms
because they set the norms and the norms are typically set for the people who the
are typically set for the people who the
are typically set for the people who the standard of the include errs and not
standard of the include errs and not
standard of the include errs and not from the standard of those being
from the standard of those being
from the standard of those being included that’s why when I hear
included that’s why when I hear
included that’s why when I hear organizations and people talk about
organizations and people talk about
organizations and people talk about inclusion frankly I cringe as Maxine
inclusion frankly I cringe as Maxine
inclusion frankly I cringe as Maxine green said in 1993 I keep pondering the
green said in 1993 I keep pondering the
green said in 1993 I keep pondering the meaning of inclusion and wondering how
meaning of inclusion and wondering how
meaning of inclusion and wondering how it can occur without the kind of
it can occur without the kind of
it can occur without the kind of normalization that whites out difference
normalization that whites out difference
normalization that whites out difference four sees me forcing them to be
four sees me forcing them to be
four sees me forcing them to be repressed to become
repressed to become
repressed to become matters of shame rather than pride now
matters of shame rather than pride now
matters of shame rather than pride now this is not just a theoretical concept
this is not just a theoretical concept
this is not just a theoretical concept some years ago there was an internet
some years ago there was an internet
some years ago there was an internet meme that was going around that said
meme that was going around that said
meme that was going around that said that if the Voting Rights Act was not
that if the Voting Rights Act was not
that if the Voting Rights Act was not renewed african-americans would lose the
renewed african-americans would lose the
renewed african-americans would lose the right to vote okay now this was
right to vote okay now this was
right to vote okay now this was laughably incorrect
laughably incorrect
laughably incorrect it was the Fifteenth Amendment not the
it was the Fifteenth Amendment not the
it was the Fifteenth Amendment not the Voting Rights Act that gave black people
Voting Rights Act that gave black people
Voting Rights Act that gave black people the right to vote but the fact that this
the right to vote but the fact that this
the right to vote but the fact that this mean connected with people that they
mean connected with people that they
mean connected with people that they were concerned suggests that their
were concerned suggests that their
were concerned suggests that their notion is somewhat similar to mine and
notion is somewhat similar to mine and
notion is somewhat similar to mine and it’s not just about african-americans
it’s not just about african-americans
it’s not just about african-americans for example I have some very dear
for example I have some very dear
for example I have some very dear friends who recently got married it’s a
friends who recently got married it’s a
friends who recently got married it’s a gay couple who lives in Washington DC
gay couple who lives in Washington DC
gay couple who lives in Washington DC and soon after they got married the
and soon after they got married the
and soon after they got married the political climate changed and then soon
political climate changed and then soon
political climate changed and then soon after they had been included into this
after they had been included into this
after they had been included into this institution it suddenly began to feel
institution it suddenly began to feel
institution it suddenly began to feel more fragile one of them said to me I’m
more fragile one of them said to me I’m
more fragile one of them said to me I’m afraid that they’re going to annul our
afraid that they’re going to annul our
afraid that they’re going to annul our marriage those of us who are different
marriage those of us who are different
marriage those of us who are different live with the knowledge that gains made
live with the knowledge that gains made
live with the knowledge that gains made may not be permanent we we learn the
may not be permanent we we learn the
may not be permanent we we learn the rules and and and and we we follow them
rules and and and and we we follow them
rules and and and and we we follow them but we’re often concerned that if we
but we’re often concerned that if we
but we’re often concerned that if we bend them too much or break we will be
bend them too much or break we will be
bend them too much or break we will be put out of the club think for a moment a
put out of the club think for a moment a
put out of the club think for a moment a former First Lady Michelle Obama
former First Lady Michelle Obama
former First Lady Michelle Obama how do you think she would have been
how do you think she would have been
how do you think she would have been received if she wore her hair
received if she wore her hair
received if she wore her hair something like mine I think my hair is
something like mine I think my hair is
something like mine I think my hair is neat it doesn’t muster fuss and you can
neat it doesn’t muster fuss and you can
neat it doesn’t muster fuss and you can wear it in formal and in informal
wear it in formal and in informal
wear it in formal and in informal occasions but the mind kind of boggles
occasions but the mind kind of boggles
occasions but the mind kind of boggles at the idea of a first lady who wore her
at the idea of a first lady who wore her
at the idea of a first lady who wore her hair naturally or this short or think of
hair naturally or this short or think of
hair naturally or this short or think of a Jewish president turning on the lights
a Jewish president turning on the lights
a Jewish president turning on the lights of the menorah or a Muslim president who
of the menorah or a Muslim president who
of the menorah or a Muslim president who observed daily prayers and wore hijab of
observed daily prayers and wore hijab of
observed daily prayers and wore hijab of course the question is why does this
course the question is why does this
course the question is why does this matter why does any of this matter it
matter why does any of this matter it
matter why does any of this matter it matters because the nation and the world
matters because the nation and the world
matters because the nation and the world are changing and the changes are so fast
are changing and the changes are so fast
are changing and the changes are so fast vast and so huge that it will require
vast and so huge that it will require
vast and so huge that it will require all of us all of us to think differently
last year Pew Research put out a study
last year Pew Research put out a study and was really talking about change for
and was really talking about change for
and was really talking about change for example they talked about how the family
example they talked about how the family
example they talked about how the family is changing but we have more blended
is changing but we have more blended
is changing but we have more blended families more people are cohabitating
families more people are cohabitating
families more people are cohabitating they’re more divorces than there have
they’re more divorces than there have
they’re more divorces than there have been there are more women leaders around
been there are more women leaders around
been there are more women leaders around the world not enough but more they also
the world not enough but more they also
the world not enough but more they also said that by 2050 five there will be no
said that by 2050 five there will be no
said that by 2050 five there will be no majority ethnic or religious groups in
majority ethnic or religious groups in
majority ethnic or religious groups in this country already we know that there
this country already we know that there
this country already we know that there are more biracial and multiracial
are more biracial and multiracial
are more biracial and multiracial marriages the percentage of multiracial
marriages the percentage of multiracial
marriages the percentage of multiracial children being born is currently higher
children being born is currently higher
children being born is currently higher than the percentage of
than the percentage of
than the percentage of no ethnic children being born today now
no ethnic children being born today now
no ethnic children being born today now to some this new reality is almost
to some this new reality is almost
to some this new reality is almost unthinkable because it is a
unthinkable because it is a
unthinkable because it is a transgression against the rules of
transgression against the rules of
transgression against the rules of inclusion the rules that demand like a
inclusion the rules that demand like a
inclusion the rules that demand like a velvet hammer that we conform to certain
velvet hammer that we conform to certain
velvet hammer that we conform to certain behaviors around look and language and
behaviors around look and language and
behaviors around look and language and love and appearance
love and appearance
love and appearance many of these standards which many of us
many of these standards which many of us
many of these standards which many of us had no part in creating it is time to
had no part in creating it is time to
had no part in creating it is time to change to a new language to think beyond
change to a new language to think beyond
change to a new language to think beyond the language of inclusion to find words
the language of inclusion to find words
the language of inclusion to find words that help us to create a new mindset so
that help us to create a new mindset so
that help us to create a new mindset so that we can build a new reality instead
that we can build a new reality instead
that we can build a new reality instead of inclusion let’s consider mutuality
mutuality means that we all walk forward
mutuality means that we all walk forward together
together
together nobody needs to be included because by
nobody needs to be included because by
nobody needs to be included because by definition we are already part of the
definition we are already part of the
definition we are already part of the group mutuality means that we accept
group mutuality means that we accept
group mutuality means that we accept difference glory in it expect it learn
difference glory in it expect it learn
difference glory in it expect it learn from it all without fear it means that
from it all without fear it means that
from it all without fear it means that we create our norms together that we
we create our norms together that we
we create our norms together that we choose the ones that we think are best
choose the ones that we think are best
choose the ones that we think are best for us and that we do it
for us and that we do it
for us and that we do it along with allowing variation and that
along with allowing variation and that
along with allowing variation and that we don’t punish people and spoken and
we don’t punish people and spoken and
we don’t punish people and spoken and unspoken ways if they don’t fit into our
unspoken ways if they don’t fit into our
unspoken ways if they don’t fit into our little kind of bubble here
let’s begin to think then about the
let’s begin to think then about the power of ideas and first I would say
power of ideas and first I would say
power of ideas and first I would say that as we consider this idea of
that as we consider this idea of
that as we consider this idea of mutuality it does not dismiss or take
mutuality it does not dismiss or take
mutuality it does not dismiss or take away from the problems and issues of our
away from the problems and issues of our
away from the problems and issues of our shared past but what it does try to do
shared past but what it does try to do
shared past but what it does try to do is to give us an equal playing field
is to give us an equal playing field
is to give us an equal playing field where we can talk about those issues
where we can talk about those issues
where we can talk about those issues together I know that this is an idea but
together I know that this is an idea but
together I know that this is an idea but ideas are powerful things a few years
ideas are powerful things a few years
ideas are powerful things a few years ago I was in Johannesburg South Africa
ago I was in Johannesburg South Africa
ago I was in Johannesburg South Africa and there with some colleagues we went
and there with some colleagues we went
and there with some colleagues we went to Gandhi Square and we stood under the
to Gandhi Square and we stood under the
to Gandhi Square and we stood under the shadow of the great man statue talking
shadow of the great man statue talking
shadow of the great man statue talking about the power of an idea Gandhi came
about the power of an idea Gandhi came
about the power of an idea Gandhi came up with the power of non-violent protest
up with the power of non-violent protest
up with the power of non-violent protest out of the pain of apartheid and he he
out of the pain of apartheid and he he
out of the pain of apartheid and he he took that idea and he took it home to
took that idea and he took it home to
took that idea and he took it home to India where he applied it and where he
India where he applied it and where he
India where he applied it and where he had some success and then Martin Luther
had some success and then Martin Luther
had some success and then Martin Luther King came some years later and took the
King came some years later and took the
King came some years later and took the idea and brought it to the states where
idea and brought it to the states where
idea and brought it to the states where he had some success and then Nelson
he had some success and then Nelson
he had some success and then Nelson Mandela took that idea and brought it
Mandela took that idea and brought it
Mandela took that idea and brought it back home
back home
back home where he had some success
where he had some success
where he had some success Gandhi’s idea literally went around the
Gandhi’s idea literally went around the
Gandhi’s idea literally went around the world and changed old realities into new
world and changed old realities into new
world and changed old realities into new ones let’s talk about mutuality let’s
ones let’s talk about mutuality let’s
ones let’s talk about mutuality let’s chew on it
chew on it
chew on it let’s bring people in the conversations
let’s bring people in the conversations
let’s bring people in the conversations let’s let it haunt our thoughts let us
let’s let it haunt our thoughts let us
let’s let it haunt our thoughts let us question ourselves ruthlessly answer
question ourselves ruthlessly answer
question ourselves ruthlessly answer ourselves honestly and be willing to see
ourselves honestly and be willing to see
ourselves honestly and be willing to see what can be rather than what is this
what can be rather than what is this
what can be rather than what is this idea is just being born and it will take
idea is just being born and it will take
idea is just being born and it will take all of us all of us to be midwives all
all of us all of us to be midwives all
all of us all of us to be midwives all of us to be there at its creation all of
of us to be there at its creation all of
of us to be there at its creation all of us to put in our hopes and our
us to put in our hopes and our
us to put in our hopes and our perspectives all of us to challenge and
perspectives all of us to challenge and
perspectives all of us to challenge and push each other this is not going to be
push each other this is not going to be
push each other this is not going to be easy in fact it’s going to be really
easy in fact it’s going to be really
easy in fact it’s going to be really hard but when we are done we will have
hard but when we are done we will have
hard but when we are done we will have created something that is ours something
created something that is ours something
created something that is ours something that we did mutually
”
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