let’s pretend we’re at a cocktail party five o’clock somewhere right and I am
five o’clock somewhere right and I am
five o’clock somewhere right and I am Irish after all we’re just meeting for
Irish after all we’re just meeting for
Irish after all we’re just meeting for the first time and getting to know each
the first time and getting to know each
the first time and getting to know each other one of the first questions you’ll
other one of the first questions you’ll
other one of the first questions you’ll probably we’ve learned that we’re both
probably we’ve learned that we’re both
probably we’ve learned that we’re both parents and one of the first questions
parents and one of the first questions
parents and one of the first questions you’ll probably ask me is so how many
you’ll probably ask me is so how many
you’ll probably ask me is so how many kids do you have
kids do you have
kids do you have and I’ll say five the conversation will
and I’ll say five the conversation will
and I’ll say five the conversation will move on
move on
move on most likely with me telling you all
most likely with me telling you all
most likely with me telling you all about my five kids and you’re telling me
about my five kids and you’re telling me
about my five kids and you’re telling me all about yours well smile will sip our
all about yours well smile will sip our
all about yours well smile will sip our wine and you’ll never know that your
wine and you’ll never know that your
wine and you’ll never know that your question has just kicked me in the belly
question has just kicked me in the belly
question has just kicked me in the belly or that I feel like I’ve just lied to
or that I feel like I’ve just lied to
or that I feel like I’ve just lied to you because I rarely give the correct
you because I rarely give the correct
you because I rarely give the correct answer to that question how many kids do
answer to that question how many kids do
answer to that question how many kids do I have usually i sidestep it I don’t
I have usually i sidestep it I don’t
I have usually i sidestep it I don’t want to watch your face crumple or hear
want to watch your face crumple or hear
want to watch your face crumple or hear you say I’m so sorry
you say I’m so sorry
you say I’m so sorry like so many other people before you I
like so many other people before you I
like so many other people before you I like to laugh and I want to keep things
like to laugh and I want to keep things
like to laugh and I want to keep things light hearted but every time I do that I
light hearted but every time I do that I
light hearted but every time I do that I feel guilty because I do believe we
feel guilty because I do believe we
feel guilty because I do believe we should share our stories maybe not at
should share our stories maybe not at
should share our stories maybe not at cocktail parties with glasses of wine in
cocktail parties with glasses of wine in
cocktail parties with glasses of wine in our hands but somewhere sometime somehow
our hands but somewhere sometime somehow
our hands but somewhere sometime somehow the correct answer to that question is
the correct answer to that question is
the correct answer to that question is that I’ve been pregnant thirteen times
that I’ve been pregnant thirteen times
that I’ve been pregnant thirteen times I’ve delivered seven babies into this
I’ve delivered seven babies into this
I’ve delivered seven babies into this world but I only have five living
world but I only have five living
world but I only have five living children in 1997 our fourth child Noah
children in 1997 our fourth child Noah
children in 1997 our fourth child Noah was run over when he was 15 months old
was run over when he was 15 months old
was run over when he was 15 months old and nine months later his brother Jonah
and nine months later his brother Jonah
and nine months later his brother Jonah was stillborn it was a terrible terrible
was stillborn it was a terrible terrible
was stillborn it was a terrible terrible year that completely redefined life for
year that completely redefined life for
year that completely redefined life for me I literally forgot how to breathe and
me I literally forgot how to breathe and
me I literally forgot how to breathe and I think about it every single day
I think about it every single day
I think about it every single day happily I gave birth to another son
happily I gave birth to another son
happily I gave birth to another son Isaiah who’s 16 today
Isaiah who’s 16 today
Isaiah who’s 16 today and then to his sister Bella who I like
and then to his sister Bella who I like
and then to his sister Bella who I like to call the exclamation point at the end
to call the exclamation point at the end
to call the exclamation point at the end of our family for obvious reasons but in
of our family for obvious reasons but in
of our family for obvious reasons but in between those babies I had more
between those babies I had more
between those babies I had more miscarriages than I care to count one in
miscarriages than I care to count one in
miscarriages than I care to count one in four pregnancies end in miscarriage and
four pregnancies end in miscarriage and
four pregnancies end in miscarriage and 26,000 babies are still born in the US
26,000 babies are still born in the US
26,000 babies are still born in the US alone each year and yet we rarely talk
alone each year and yet we rarely talk
alone each year and yet we rarely talk about them miscarriage and stillbirth
about them miscarriage and stillbirth
about them miscarriage and stillbirth are largely taboo subjects not mentioned
are largely taboo subjects not mentioned
are largely taboo subjects not mentioned in polite company or over glasses of
in polite company or over glasses of
in polite company or over glasses of wine at cocktail parties they say
wine at cocktail parties they say
wine at cocktail parties they say there’s no greater agony than baring an
there’s no greater agony than baring an
there’s no greater agony than baring an untold story inside of you and for me
untold story inside of you and for me
untold story inside of you and for me this was that story I held my babies for
this was that story I held my babies for
this was that story I held my babies for about a decade cleaved to my heart and I
about a decade cleaved to my heart and I
about a decade cleaved to my heart and I didn’t talk about them much I always
didn’t talk about them much I always
didn’t talk about them much I always knew that someday I would write a book
knew that someday I would write a book
knew that someday I would write a book but I certainly never dreamed that life
but I certainly never dreamed that life
but I certainly never dreamed that life would place this particular tale in my
would place this particular tale in my
would place this particular tale in my hands but one day I sat down and I
hands but one day I sat down and I
hands but one day I sat down and I started to write and it took me seven
started to write and it took me seven
started to write and it took me seven years but finally I got their stories
years but finally I got their stories
years but finally I got their stories out of me and out into the world my book
out of me and out into the world my book
out of me and out into the world my book is called breathe and I wrote it to tell
is called breathe and I wrote it to tell
is called breathe and I wrote it to tell the story of my sons and to help other
the story of my sons and to help other
the story of my sons and to help other people because that is probably the most
people because that is probably the most
people because that is probably the most important reason why we should share our
important reason why we should share our
important reason why we should share our stories to help each other when Noah
stories to help each other when Noah
stories to help each other when Noah died
died
died I searched desperately for other
I searched desperately for other
I searched desperately for other bereaved parents in those days before
bereaved parents in those days before
bereaved parents in those days before social media I called them I wrote
social media I called them I wrote
social media I called them I wrote letters to them I accosted them in
letters to them I accosted them in
letters to them I accosted them in person and I’m sure some of them thought
person and I’m sure some of them thought
person and I’m sure some of them thought I was crazy because I was crazy I was
I was crazy because I was crazy I was
I was crazy because I was crazy I was crazy with grief and I was crazy with
crazy with grief and I was crazy with
crazy with grief and I was crazy with pain and when you’re in pain all you can
pain and when you’re in pain all you can
pain and when you’re in pain all you can think about is getting out of pain when
think about is getting out of pain when
think about is getting out of pain when we were little and we come running in
we were little and we come running in
we were little and we come running in the house crying with skinned knees my
the house crying with skinned knees my
the house crying with skinned knees my grandmother would always say you can
grandmother would always say you can
grandmother would always say you can stand any pain as long as you know it’s
stand any pain as long as you know it’s
stand any pain as long as you know it’s not forever as she stuck a bandaid on
not forever as she stuck a bandaid on
not forever as she stuck a bandaid on he’s wiped our tears away and sent us
he’s wiped our tears away and sent us
he’s wiped our tears away and sent us back out to play so I searched for
back out to play so I searched for
back out to play so I searched for survivors because I needed to know that
survivors because I needed to know that
survivors because I needed to know that the pain I was in wasn’t going to last
the pain I was in wasn’t going to last
the pain I was in wasn’t going to last forever
forever
forever it’s important that we share what I like
it’s important that we share what I like
it’s important that we share what I like to call our war stories we don’t all go
to call our war stories we don’t all go
to call our war stories we don’t all go off to war but we fight our battles
off to war but we fight our battles
off to war but we fight our battles every day right here on the homefront
every day right here on the homefront
every day right here on the homefront family friends marriage in-laws careers
family friends marriage in-laws careers
family friends marriage in-laws careers all these things can wind us and leave
all these things can wind us and leave
all these things can wind us and leave their scars but by daring to open
their scars but by daring to open
their scars but by daring to open ourselves up by daring to be vulnerable
ourselves up by daring to be vulnerable
ourselves up by daring to be vulnerable we find others who have walked in our
we find others who have walked in our
we find others who have walked in our shoes and who understand and we in turn
shoes and who understand and we in turn
shoes and who understand and we in turn can reach back and lend a hand to those
can reach back and lend a hand to those
can reach back and lend a hand to those who are walking the path behind us we
who are walking the path behind us we
who are walking the path behind us we can give them hope that like seaglass
can give them hope that like seaglass
can give them hope that like seaglass after lots and lots of tumbling someday
after lots and lots of tumbling someday
after lots and lots of tumbling someday the sharp painful edges will be worn
the sharp painful edges will be worn
the sharp painful edges will be worn smooth another reason we should share
smooth another reason we should share
smooth another reason we should share our stories is to keep our loved ones
our stories is to keep our loved ones
our stories is to keep our loved ones alive
alive
alive my family has a saying that we carve on
my family has a saying that we carve on
my family has a saying that we carve on our gravestones to live in the hearts of
our gravestones to live in the hearts of
our gravestones to live in the hearts of those we leave behind is not to die as
those we leave behind is not to die as
those we leave behind is not to die as long as we are walking this earth our
long as we are walking this earth our
long as we are walking this earth our loved ones will never truly be dead
loved ones will never truly be dead
loved ones will never truly be dead because we are holding them in our
because we are holding them in our
because we are holding them in our hearts we still hear their voices in our
hearts we still hear their voices in our
hearts we still hear their voices in our heads as they bandage our knees and they
heads as they bandage our knees and they
heads as they bandage our knees and they live in us before I wrote my book the
live in us before I wrote my book the
live in us before I wrote my book the only thing most people really knew about
only thing most people really knew about
only thing most people really knew about Noah and Jonah was that they had died
Noah and Jonah was that they had died
Noah and Jonah was that they had died that was the most definitive
that was the most definitive
that was the most definitive characteristic of their short little
characteristic of their short little
characteristic of their short little lives but because I shared their stories
lives but because I shared their stories
lives but because I shared their stories reader after reader now knows that they
reader after reader now knows that they
reader after reader now knows that they also lived they’ve met them they hold
also lived they’ve met them they hold
also lived they’ve met them they hold them in their hearts we talk about them
them in their hearts we talk about them
them in their hearts we talk about them and it is like they have become manifest
and it is like they have become manifest
and it is like they have become manifest that is the power of sharing our stories
you know one of the biggest fears
you know one of the biggest fears bereaved parents have is that
bereaved parents have is that
bereaved parents have is that child will be forgotten it’s one of the
child will be forgotten it’s one of the
child will be forgotten it’s one of the great ironies of surviving a tragedy
great ironies of surviving a tragedy
great ironies of surviving a tragedy like losing your baby other people don’t
like losing your baby other people don’t
like losing your baby other people don’t want to bring them up they’re afraid to
want to bring them up they’re afraid to
want to bring them up they’re afraid to remind us in case we’ve forgotten and we
remind us in case we’ve forgotten and we
remind us in case we’ve forgotten and we in turn don’t mention them because we
in turn don’t mention them because we
in turn don’t mention them because we get really good at protecting other
get really good at protecting other
get really good at protecting other people from our stories we get really
people from our stories we get really
people from our stories we get really good at sidestepping their hard
good at sidestepping their hard
good at sidestepping their hard questions but every single time we do
questions but every single time we do
questions but every single time we do that we feel guilty and we feel guilty
that we feel guilty and we feel guilty
that we feel guilty and we feel guilty not just because we feel like we’ve lied
not just because we feel like we’ve lied
not just because we feel like we’ve lied to you we feel guilty because we feel
to you we feel guilty because we feel
to you we feel guilty because we feel like we’re neglecting them like we’re
like we’re neglecting them like we’re
like we’re neglecting them like we’re forgetting them we haven’t forgotten our
forgetting them we haven’t forgotten our
forgetting them we haven’t forgotten our children and we never will and when you
children and we never will and when you
children and we never will and when you don’t mention them mostly we’re just
don’t mention them mostly we’re just
don’t mention them mostly we’re just wondering if you have so share your
wondering if you have so share your
wondering if you have so share your stories and share them in whatever way
stories and share them in whatever way
stories and share them in whatever way works for you I share best by writing
works for you I share best by writing
works for you I share best by writing maybe you’re better at sculpting or
maybe you’re better at sculpting or
maybe you’re better at sculpting or painting or singing or photography or
painting or singing or photography or
painting or singing or photography or giving a TED talk even we share our
giving a TED talk even we share our
giving a TED talk even we share our stories to save our lives if we don’t
stories to save our lives if we don’t
stories to save our lives if we don’t share them they can suffocate us so take
share them they can suffocate us so take
share them they can suffocate us so take a deep breath and shatter the silence
a deep breath and shatter the silence
a deep breath and shatter the silence because you never know how your story
because you never know how your story
because you never know how your story and your words will impact others and
and your words will impact others and
and your words will impact others and you never know where that journey will
you never know where that journey will
you never know where that journey will lead of you dare to take the first step
lead of you dare to take the first step
lead of you dare to take the first step it might just be to some place that’s so
it might just be to some place that’s so
it might just be to some place that’s so incredible you can’t even imagine it
incredible you can’t even imagine it
incredible you can’t even imagine it like this story I’m gonna tell you right
like this story I’m gonna tell you right
like this story I’m gonna tell you right now so there’s a passage in my book
now so there’s a passage in my book
now so there’s a passage in my book where I write that it’s my terrible
where I write that it’s my terrible
where I write that it’s my terrible misfortune to be able to compare losing
misfortune to be able to compare losing
misfortune to be able to compare losing Noah who was a toddler
Noah who was a toddler
Noah who was a toddler learning to walk and to talk and was
learning to walk and to talk and was
learning to walk and to talk and was loved and tickled and held by so many
loved and tickled and held by so many
loved and tickled and held by so many with losing Jonah a baby who was still
with losing Jonah a baby who was still
with losing Jonah a baby who was still in my belly and who was mostly only
in my belly and who was mostly only
in my belly and who was mostly only known to me and I share how people have
known to me and I share how people have
known to me and I share how people have asked me which was harder losing Noah or
asked me which was harder losing Noah or
asked me which was harder losing Noah or losing Jonah to which I replied which
losing Jonah to which I replied which
losing Jonah to which I replied which would you miss more your right arm or
would you miss more your right arm or
would you miss more your right arm or your left my book ends with an epilogue
your left my book ends with an epilogue
your left my book ends with an epilogue called the book of Bela Bela is 12 years
called the book of Bela Bela is 12 years
called the book of Bela Bela is 12 years old now and she’s been dancing most of
old now and she’s been dancing most of
old now and she’s been dancing most of her life last year one of her dance
her life last year one of her dance
her life last year one of her dance teachers
teachers
teachers Pamela Mateus read my book and that
Pamela Mateus read my book and that
Pamela Mateus read my book and that particular passage which would you miss
particular passage which would you miss
particular passage which would you miss more stuck in her mind where it grew
more stuck in her mind where it grew
more stuck in her mind where it grew into a dance because choreography is how
into a dance because choreography is how
into a dance because choreography is how miss Pam best shares her stories so she
miss Pam best shares her stories so she
miss Pam best shares her stories so she asked me if I would write my story as a
asked me if I would write my story as a
asked me if I would write my story as a dance and record the voiceover to a
dance and record the voiceover to a
dance and record the voiceover to a lovely instrumental piece by ólafur
lovely instrumental piece by ólafur
lovely instrumental piece by ólafur Arnalds called epilogue and so epilogue
Arnalds called epilogue and so epilogue
Arnalds called epilogue and so epilogue the dance was born as Miss Pam
the dance was born as Miss Pam
the dance was born as Miss Pam envisioned in this dance half of the
envisioned in this dance half of the
envisioned in this dance half of the girls can only move their arms and the
girls can only move their arms and the
girls can only move their arms and the other half can only move their legs and
other half can only move their legs and
other half can only move their legs and that physical limitation is suspended
that physical limitation is suspended
that physical limitation is suspended only during a brief pas Dada
only during a brief pas Dada
only during a brief pas Dada that’s danced by Bella and my niece Ava
that’s danced by Bella and my niece Ava
that’s danced by Bella and my niece Ava who represent Noah and Jonah in the
who represent Noah and Jonah in the
who represent Noah and Jonah in the dance miss Pam and these girls have
dance miss Pam and these girls have
dance miss Pam and these girls have transformed the story of my sons and of
transformed the story of my sons and of
transformed the story of my sons and of this part of my life into art where once
this part of my life into art where once
this part of my life into art where once there was only pain and sorrow now there
there was only pain and sorrow now there
there was only pain and sorrow now there is beauty and joy when your baby dies
is beauty and joy when your baby dies
is beauty and joy when your baby dies you wonder so many things including how
you wonder so many things including how
you wonder so many things including how you can possibly get through the next
you can possibly get through the next
you can possibly get through the next painful breath never mind the rest of
painful breath never mind the rest of
painful breath never mind the rest of your life your life without your son and
your life your life without your son and
your life your life without your son and then without your next son stretches
then without your next son stretches
then without your next son stretches infinitely on beyond you you ask all the
infinitely on beyond you you ask all the
infinitely on beyond you you ask all the terrible questions for which there will
terrible questions for which there will
terrible questions for which there will never be any earthly answers
never be any earthly answers
never be any earthly answers the whys and the why nots the why means
the whys and the why nots the why means
the whys and the why nots the why means and the what-ifs and somehow you resign
and the what-ifs and somehow you resign
and the what-ifs and somehow you resign yourself to living without understanding
yourself to living without understanding
yourself to living without understanding but to sit in a darkened theater and
but to sit in a darkened theater and
but to sit in a darkened theater and watch Noah and Jonah’s baby’s sister the
watch Noah and Jonah’s baby’s sister the
watch Noah and Jonah’s baby’s sister the epilogue herself dancing their story
epilogue herself dancing their story
epilogue herself dancing their story with these other beautiful girls almost
with these other beautiful girls almost
with these other beautiful girls almost two decades after their deaths well you
two decades after their deaths well you
two decades after their deaths well you think to yourself this may be this and
think to yourself this may be this and
think to yourself this may be this and now ladies and gentlemen it is my
now ladies and gentlemen it is my
now ladies and gentlemen it is my distinct honor and my great privilege to
distinct honor and my great privilege to
distinct honor and my great privilege to introduce to you now sixteen of the
introduce to you now sixteen of the
introduce to you now sixteen of the original 36 girls from Aaron Ray’s
original 36 girls from Aaron Ray’s
original 36 girls from Aaron Ray’s School of Dance
School of Dance
School of Dance here to share with you now the dance
here to share with you now the dance
here to share with you now the dance epilogue
I am part fish I grew up on an island
I am part fish I grew up on an island submerged in water which perhaps
submerged in water which perhaps
submerged in water which perhaps explains why I became a fish biologist
explains why I became a fish biologist
explains why I became a fish biologist I’ve spent the better part of my life
I’ve spent the better part of my life
I’ve spent the better part of my life swimming and studying fish in one way or
swimming and studying fish in one way or
swimming and studying fish in one way or another this is what I know
water is the symbol of the womb we all
water is the symbol of the womb we all begin life swimming around in our
begin life swimming around in our
begin life swimming around in our mothers bellies from water springs life
mothers bellies from water springs life
mothers bellies from water springs life as from the biblical flood of Noah we
as from the biblical flood of Noah we
as from the biblical flood of Noah we emerged you are part fish – for billions
emerged you are part fish – for billions
emerged you are part fish – for billions of years
of years
of years animal life on Earth was found only in
animal life on Earth was found only in
animal life on Earth was found only in the water survival depended on getting
the water survival depended on getting
the water survival depended on getting big getting tough or getting out of the
big getting tough or getting out of the
big getting tough or getting out of the way some three hundred and sixty-five
way some three hundred and sixty-five
way some three hundred and sixty-five million years ago our ancestral fish
million years ago our ancestral fish
million years ago our ancestral fish climbed out of the sea and onto dry land
climbed out of the sea and onto dry land
climbed out of the sea and onto dry land in 2004 scientists found the fossil
in 2004 scientists found the fossil
in 2004 scientists found the fossil record of Tiktaalik our ancestral fish
record of Tiktaalik our ancestral fish
record of Tiktaalik our ancestral fish Tiktaalik was a fish with the wrist
Tiktaalik was a fish with the wrist
Tiktaalik was a fish with the wrist the first critter that could do push-ups
the first critter that could do push-ups
the first critter that could do push-ups the evidence of our fishy selves still
the evidence of our fishy selves still
the evidence of our fishy selves still remains in our bodies deep deep down in
remains in our bodies deep deep down in
remains in our bodies deep deep down in our DNA we begin life like sea anemones
our DNA we begin life like sea anemones
our DNA we begin life like sea anemones jellyfish and sharks our hands are
jellyfish and sharks our hands are
jellyfish and sharks our hands are modified fins formed when we are just
modified fins formed when we are just
modified fins formed when we are just three to eight weeks old
three to eight weeks old
three to eight weeks old micro Kaymer ism is the presence of
micro Kaymer ism is the presence of
micro Kaymer ism is the presence of cells in one person’s bloodstream which
cells in one person’s bloodstream which
cells in one person’s bloodstream which originated in the blood of a different
originated in the blood of a different
originated in the blood of a different person
person
person therefore they are genetically distinct
therefore they are genetically distinct
therefore they are genetically distinct from the other cells swimming around
from the other cells swimming around
from the other cells swimming around them in humans the most common form of
them in humans the most common form of
them in humans the most common form of this is called Phaedo maternal micro
this is called Phaedo maternal micro
this is called Phaedo maternal micro chimerism this occurs when cells from a
chimerism this occurs when cells from a
chimerism this occurs when cells from a fetus pass through the placenta and
fetus pass through the placenta and
fetus pass through the placenta and establish cell families within the
establish cell families within the
establish cell families within the mother these cells remain and multiply
mother these cells remain and multiply
mother these cells remain and multiply for decades even forever fish are a
for decades even forever fish are a
for decades even forever fish are a symbol of fertility and I’ve been
symbol of fertility and I’ve been
symbol of fertility and I’ve been pregnant 13 times
pregnant 13 times
pregnant 13 times swimming around in my body could be the
swimming around in my body could be the
swimming around in my body could be the cells from 13 different babies I have
cells from 13 different babies I have
cells from 13 different babies I have five living children losing babies is
five living children losing babies is
five living children losing babies is something I know a lot about when Noah
something I know a lot about when Noah
something I know a lot about when Noah and Jonah had both died people asked
and Jonah had both died people asked
and Jonah had both died people asked which do you miss more which would you
which do you miss more which would you
which do you miss more which would you miss born your right arm or your left
miss born your right arm or your left
miss born your right arm or your left I am the embodiment of my children most
I am the embodiment of my children most
I am the embodiment of my children most of who are otherwise dead
of who are otherwise dead
of who are otherwise dead and as I’m carrying them they too are
and as I’m carrying them they too are
and as I’m carrying them they too are carrying me when my children died a part
carrying me when my children died a part
carrying me when my children died a part of me died too I knew this I felt this I
of me died too I knew this I felt this I
of me died too I knew this I felt this I just didn’t know exactly why but now I
just didn’t know exactly why but now I
just didn’t know exactly why but now I do and I’ll keep swimming
”
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