I understand why people clap before you did anything seems to be clapping should
did anything seems to be clapping should
did anything seems to be clapping should only happen if you’re good
only happen if you’re good
only happen if you’re good conflict so we’re gonna start off this
conflict so we’re gonna start off this
conflict so we’re gonna start off this whole process with conflict and thinking
whole process with conflict and thinking
whole process with conflict and thinking about conflict well let’s start with the
about conflict well let’s start with the
about conflict well let’s start with the question do you like conflict do you not
question do you like conflict do you not
question do you like conflict do you not like conflict so if we put this into
like conflict so if we put this into
like conflict so if we put this into three boxes people who would say I
three boxes people who would say I
three boxes people who would say I really don’t like conflict like to avoid
really don’t like conflict like to avoid
really don’t like conflict like to avoid it
it
it yeah conflict is okay and conflict is
yeah conflict is okay and conflict is
yeah conflict is okay and conflict is something that I just love I just can’t
something that I just love I just can’t
something that I just love I just can’t wait to have conflict how many of you
wait to have conflict how many of you
wait to have conflict how many of you would be in the I love to have conflict
would be in the I love to have conflict
would be in the I love to have conflict mode I’m noting my boss’s boss put his
mode I’m noting my boss’s boss put his
mode I’m noting my boss’s boss put his hand up I don’t know that that’s
hand up I don’t know that that’s
hand up I don’t know that that’s reassuring how many of you would be in
reassuring how many of you would be in
reassuring how many of you would be in the mode of yeah I can handle conflict
the mode of yeah I can handle conflict
the mode of yeah I can handle conflict it’s okay and how many of you in the I
it’s okay and how many of you in the I
it’s okay and how many of you in the I really don’t like conflict so clean
really don’t like conflict so clean
really don’t like conflict so clean somebody’s got two hands up I don’t like
somebody’s got two hands up I don’t like
somebody’s got two hands up I don’t like conflict I don’t like my spouse they
conflict I don’t like my spouse they
conflict I don’t like my spouse they have conflict let’s think about that for
have conflict let’s think about that for
have conflict let’s think about that for a minute
a minute
a minute most folks say they really don’t like
most folks say they really don’t like
most folks say they really don’t like conflict is that true what do you watch
conflict is that true what do you watch
conflict is that true what do you watch on TV come on anybody what do you watch
you watch the news is there a little bit
you watch the news is there a little bit of conflict in the news these days yep
of conflict in the news these days yep
of conflict in the news these days yep what but the entire political process is
what but the entire political process is
what but the entire political process is nothing but conflict you watch dramas on
nothing but conflict you watch dramas on
nothing but conflict you watch dramas on TV it’s about conflict you watch
TV it’s about conflict you watch
TV it’s about conflict you watch comedies on TV it’s about conflict you
comedies on TV it’s about conflict you
comedies on TV it’s about conflict you watch sports on TV it’s about conflict I
watch sports on TV it’s about conflict I
watch sports on TV it’s about conflict I would contend that the I don’t like
would contend that the I don’t like
would contend that the I don’t like conflict is a little little marginal you
conflict is a little little marginal you
conflict is a little little marginal you go home the neighbors are fighting you
go home the neighbors are fighting you
go home the neighbors are fighting you could go to one side of the house open a
could go to one side of the house open a
could go to one side of the house open a beer sit there listen to TV and you will
beer sit there listen to TV and you will
beer sit there listen to TV and you will not hear the neighbors you could go to
not hear the neighbors you could go to
not hear the neighbors you could go to the front porch and listen to the
the front porch and listen to the
the front porch and listen to the neighbors fight no one’s throwing
neighbors fight no one’s throwing
neighbors fight no one’s throwing punches it’s not out of control how many
punches it’s not out of control how many
punches it’s not out of control how many of you are joining me on the porch
of you are joining me on the porch
of you are joining me on the porch listening to the neighbors fight
and you just said you didn’t like
and you just said you didn’t like conflict so do we like conflict do we
conflict so do we like conflict do we
conflict so do we like conflict do we not like conflict maybe what the answer
not like conflict maybe what the answer
not like conflict maybe what the answer is is we like conflict as long as we’re
is is we like conflict as long as we’re
is is we like conflict as long as we’re not in it conflict it’s involving other
not in it conflict it’s involving other
not in it conflict it’s involving other people but my basic point here is the
people but my basic point here is the
people but my basic point here is the conflict can I would underline the word
conflict can I would underline the word
conflict can I would underline the word can can be a wonderful thing when it
can can be a wonderful thing when it
can can be a wonderful thing when it comes to decision-making in
comes to decision-making in
comes to decision-making in organizations that’s my primary area of
organizations that’s my primary area of
organizations that’s my primary area of expertise also in your personal life
expertise also in your personal life
expertise also in your personal life I’ll deal with that much more gingerly
I’ll deal with that much more gingerly
I’ll deal with that much more gingerly but conflict can be a wonderful thing in
but conflict can be a wonderful thing in
but conflict can be a wonderful thing in decision-making that’s the basic premise
decision-making that’s the basic premise
decision-making that’s the basic premise now I will admit the conflict can be a
now I will admit the conflict can be a
now I will admit the conflict can be a terrible thing in decision-making
terrible thing in decision-making
terrible thing in decision-making typically we would define this as
typically we would define this as
typically we would define this as dysfunctional conflict conflict that
dysfunctional conflict conflict that
dysfunctional conflict conflict that gets personal is sort of the textbook
gets personal is sort of the textbook
gets personal is sort of the textbook definition of conflict that gets to be
definition of conflict that gets to be
definition of conflict that gets to be bad and and what happens when we have
bad and and what happens when we have
bad and and what happens when we have dysfunctional conflict we have
dysfunctional conflict we have
dysfunctional conflict we have dysfunctional conflict we lose
dysfunctional conflict we lose
dysfunctional conflict we lose collaboration instead of people sitting
collaboration instead of people sitting
collaboration instead of people sitting down collaboratively and figuring out
down collaboratively and figuring out
down collaboratively and figuring out how can we work together and make
how can we work together and make
how can we work together and make something good happen what we have is
something good happen what we have is
something good happen what we have is individuals that involve engage in what
individuals that involve engage in what
individuals that involve engage in what we often think of as win lose
we often think of as win lose
we often think of as win lose negotiation win lose decision-making I
negotiation win lose decision-making I
negotiation win lose decision-making I want to win I really don’t want you to
want to win I really don’t want you to
want to win I really don’t want you to necessarily get what you want at most I
necessarily get what you want at most I
necessarily get what you want at most I don’t care if you get what you want and
don’t care if you get what you want and
don’t care if you get what you want and if you lose that’s just as good and I
if you lose that’s just as good and I
if you lose that’s just as good and I would contend that many of you and I
would contend that many of you and I
would contend that many of you and I will not ask for a show of hands have
will not ask for a show of hands have
will not ask for a show of hands have engaged in what I would describe as
engaged in what I would describe as
engaged in what I would describe as lose-lose conflict that you’ve gotten
lose-lose conflict that you’ve gotten
lose-lose conflict that you’ve gotten into conflict where I want the other
into conflict where I want the other
into conflict where I want the other person to lose that my motivation is
person to lose that my motivation is
person to lose that my motivation is more the pound of flesh out of the other
more the pound of flesh out of the other
more the pound of flesh out of the other person because they’ve aggravated me so
person because they’ve aggravated me so
person because they’ve aggravated me so much then it is that I want to get
much then it is that I want to get
much then it is that I want to get something that I want and in fact again
something that I want and in fact again
something that I want and in fact again no show of hands many of us have been in
no show of hands many of us have been in
no show of hands many of us have been in a scenario where I don’t mind if I lose
a scenario where I don’t mind if I lose
a scenario where I don’t mind if I lose a little as long as I can make the other
a little as long as I can make the other
a little as long as I can make the other person lose a lot this is clearly not
person lose a lot this is clearly not
person lose a lot this is clearly not good in organ
good in organ
good in organ but we do this we get aggravated we get
but we do this we get aggravated we get
but we do this we get aggravated we get frustrated with other people and we get
frustrated with other people and we get
frustrated with other people and we get aggravated the point we want to see them
aggravated the point we want to see them
aggravated the point we want to see them lose this is clearly a bad thing
lose this is clearly a bad thing
lose this is clearly a bad thing in addition conflict can result in
in addition conflict can result in
in addition conflict can result in emotional harm people say things to each
emotional harm people say things to each
emotional harm people say things to each other that is hurtful and individuals
other that is hurtful and individuals
other that is hurtful and individuals become diminished in terms of their self
become diminished in terms of their self
become diminished in terms of their self esteem because of the nature of the
esteem because of the nature of the
esteem because of the nature of the conflict in addition there can be
conflict in addition there can be
conflict in addition there can be physical harm as we know conflict can
physical harm as we know conflict can
physical harm as we know conflict can get so far out of control that people
get so far out of control that people
get so far out of control that people shoot each other that people do do bad
shoot each other that people do do bad
shoot each other that people do do bad things what’s the argument that conflict
things what’s the argument that conflict
things what’s the argument that conflict can be a good thing conflict can be a
can be a good thing conflict can be a
can be a good thing conflict can be a wonderful thing in decision-making
wonderful thing in decision-making
wonderful thing in decision-making because it helps us to better analyze a
because it helps us to better analyze a
because it helps us to better analyze a question it avoids groupthink I mean
question it avoids groupthink I mean
question it avoids groupthink I mean getting an example of where we had
getting an example of where we had
getting an example of where we had groupthink and it did not work out well
groupthink and it did not work out well
groupthink and it did not work out well the invasion of Cuba the the Bay of Pigs
the invasion of Cuba the the Bay of Pigs
the invasion of Cuba the the Bay of Pigs it looks like most of the audience is
it looks like most of the audience is
it looks like most of the audience is young enough that you may very well not
young enough that you may very well not
young enough that you may very well not have remembered the Bay of Pigs invasion
have remembered the Bay of Pigs invasion
have remembered the Bay of Pigs invasion so just very quickly in terms of the
so just very quickly in terms of the
so just very quickly in terms of the history you’ve got President Kennedy new
history you’ve got President Kennedy new
history you’ve got President Kennedy new young president height to the Cold War
young president height to the Cold War
young president height to the Cold War Khrushchev has been being very
Khrushchev has been being very
Khrushchev has been being very belligerent there’s a felt need for a
belligerent there’s a felt need for a
belligerent there’s a felt need for a president can do something to show the
president can do something to show the
president can do something to show the Soviets that he’ll stand up to them the
Soviets that he’ll stand up to them the
Soviets that he’ll stand up to them the invasion actually been planned during
invasion actually been planned during
invasion actually been planned during the Eisenhower administration Kennedy
the Eisenhower administration Kennedy
the Eisenhower administration Kennedy gets his advisers together the best and
gets his advisers together the best and
gets his advisers together the best and the brightest all of these geniuses gets
the brightest all of these geniuses gets
the brightest all of these geniuses gets him in the room and says should we do
him in the room and says should we do
him in the room and says should we do the invasion of Cuba yes or no and to a
the invasion of Cuba yes or no and to a
the invasion of Cuba yes or no and to a person to a man and in those days it was
person to a man and in those days it was
person to a man and in those days it was men to a man they all said we should do
men to a man they all said we should do
men to a man they all said we should do the invasion of Cuba and then they did
the invasion of Cuba and then they did
the invasion of Cuba and then they did the invasion of Cuba and it was a
the invasion of Cuba and it was a
the invasion of Cuba and it was a disaster for a variety of reasons
disaster for a variety of reasons
disaster for a variety of reasons pulling the air support etc but
pulling the air support etc but
pulling the air support etc but fundamentally it turned out to have been
fundamentally it turned out to have been
fundamentally it turned out to have been a very very bad idea and a terrible
a very very bad idea and a terrible
a very very bad idea and a terrible start for the Kennedy administration so
start for the Kennedy administration so
start for the Kennedy administration so Kennedy brings his best and brightest
Kennedy brings his best and brightest
Kennedy brings his best and brightest together in a room and says what the
together in a room and says what the
together in a room and says what the heck happened how did this go from we
heck happened how did this go from we
heck happened how did this go from we were making great decisions because I’ve
were making great decisions because I’ve
were making great decisions because I’ve got them the best and the brightest who
got them the best and the brightest who
got them the best and the brightest who we made a terrible decision how do we
we made a terrible decision how do we
we made a terrible decision how do we decide to do this and they went around
decide to do this and they went around
decide to do this and they went around the room again and everybody said well
the room again and everybody said well
the room again and everybody said well you know I had some hesitancy I wasn’t
you know I had some hesitancy I wasn’t
you know I had some hesitancy I wasn’t sure it was the right idea but I wanted
sure it was the right idea but I wanted
sure it was the right idea but I wanted to be a
to be a
to be a team player I wanted to be part of the
team player I wanted to be part of the
team player I wanted to be part of the group I didn’t want to be divisive I
group I didn’t want to be divisive I
group I didn’t want to be divisive I didn’t want to create conflict in the
didn’t want to create conflict in the
didn’t want to create conflict in the interest of avoiding conflict we made a
interest of avoiding conflict we made a
interest of avoiding conflict we made a very bad decision if each one of those
very bad decision if each one of those
very bad decision if each one of those people would have spoken up would have
people would have spoken up would have
people would have spoken up would have talked about their hesitancy very likely
talked about their hesitancy very likely
talked about their hesitancy very likely that wouldn’t have happened or it
that wouldn’t have happened or it
that wouldn’t have happened or it wouldn’t have happened that way
wouldn’t have happened that way
wouldn’t have happened that way good conflict in a decision-making
good conflict in a decision-making
good conflict in a decision-making process will result in much better
process will result in much better
process will result in much better analysis much deeper thinking beyond
analysis much deeper thinking beyond
analysis much deeper thinking beyond that conflict can be a great source of
that conflict can be a great source of
that conflict can be a great source of motivation we all think about the great
motivation we all think about the great
motivation we all think about the great raw raw speech that you give a halftime
raw raw speech that you give a halftime
raw raw speech that you give a halftime of football game you don’t have to give
of football game you don’t have to give
of football game you don’t have to give speeches and if you play sports know
speeches and if you play sports know
speeches and if you play sports know that anytime you go into any kind of
that anytime you go into any kind of
that anytime you go into any kind of conflict arena there’s plenty of
conflict arena there’s plenty of
conflict arena there’s plenty of adrenaline in addition it’s great for
adrenaline in addition it’s great for
adrenaline in addition it’s great for personal growth and development great
personal growth and development great
personal growth and development great for organizational growth and
for organizational growth and
for organizational growth and development the concept that we develop
development the concept that we develop
development the concept that we develop sitting on the beach drinking a mai tai
sitting on the beach drinking a mai tai
sitting on the beach drinking a mai tai chanting our mantra it’s never really
chanting our mantra it’s never really
chanting our mantra it’s never really the way it works I think if you think
the way it works I think if you think
the way it works I think if you think about when your personal growth has
about when your personal growth has
about when your personal growth has occurred it’s been in periods of
occurred it’s been in periods of
occurred it’s been in periods of conflict it’s been when your life wasn’t
conflict it’s been when your life wasn’t
conflict it’s been when your life wasn’t going great when there were issues when
going great when there were issues when
going great when there were issues when there were challenges so conflict can be
there were challenges so conflict can be
there were challenges so conflict can be a great thing and conflict in
a great thing and conflict in
a great thing and conflict in decision-making is embedded into the
decision-making is embedded into the
decision-making is embedded into the most important decisions we make as our
most important decisions we make as our
most important decisions we make as our society I would contend the most
society I would contend the most
society I would contend the most important decisions we make are about
important decisions we make are about
important decisions we make are about who goes to jail who owns what and when
who goes to jail who owns what and when
who goes to jail who owns what and when we go to war if we don’t get those right
we go to war if we don’t get those right
we go to war if we don’t get those right our society does not hang together we
our society does not hang together we
our society does not hang together we have embedded conflict into all of those
have embedded conflict into all of those
have embedded conflict into all of those who goes to jail the criminal justice
who goes to jail the criminal justice
who goes to jail the criminal justice system and thus in the social justice
system and thus in the social justice
system and thus in the social justice system the property rights process are
system the property rights process are
system the property rights process are all embedded with conflict I think I own
all embedded with conflict I think I own
all embedded with conflict I think I own something you think you own something we
something you think you own something we
something you think you own something we disagree about this contract whatever
disagree about this contract whatever
disagree about this contract whatever you get an attorney I get an attorney we
you get an attorney I get an attorney we
you get an attorney I get an attorney we pay people to do what we pay them to
pay people to do what we pay them to
pay people to do what we pay them to fight we pay them to have conflict the
fight we pay them to have conflict the
fight we pay them to have conflict the system is predicated on my attorney and
system is predicated on my attorney and
system is predicated on my attorney and your attorney going fight before a judge
your attorney going fight before a judge
your attorney going fight before a judge and out of that conflict the judge can
and out of that conflict the judge can
and out of that conflict the judge can make the best decision it’s true in the
make the best decision it’s true in the
make the best decision it’s true in the legal system
legal system
legal system it is now true in the national defense
it is now true in the national defense
it is now true in the national defense arena no longer does the president of
arena no longer does the president of
arena no longer does the president of United States ever
United States ever
United States ever yeah consistent advice unanimous support
yeah consistent advice unanimous support
yeah consistent advice unanimous support everybody agrees we should do X it never
everybody agrees we should do X it never
everybody agrees we should do X it never happens the National Security Adviser
happens the National Security Adviser
happens the National Security Adviser now says you folks make the argument
now says you folks make the argument
now says you folks make the argument that we should invade Syria you make the
that we should invade Syria you make the
that we should invade Syria you make the argument for a no-fly zone you make the
argument for a no-fly zone you make the
argument for a no-fly zone you make the argument for additional sanctions you
argument for additional sanctions you
argument for additional sanctions you folks come up with something else and I
folks come up with something else and I
folks come up with something else and I don’t care what you really think that’s
don’t care what you really think that’s
don’t care what you really think that’s irrelevant you go before the president
irrelevant you go before the president
irrelevant you go before the president United States and make the best argument
United States and make the best argument
United States and make the best argument you can for a for not a for B for not B
you can for a for not a for B for not B
you can for a for not a for B for not B because we have learned that we make
because we have learned that we make
because we have learned that we make better decisions if we first fight about
better decisions if we first fight about
better decisions if we first fight about them so premise is we make better
them so premise is we make better
them so premise is we make better decisions when we have conflict raising
decisions when we have conflict raising
decisions when we have conflict raising the question how do we do this
the question how do we do this
the question how do we do this how do we have good functional conflict
how do we have good functional conflict
how do we have good functional conflict that is focused on the outcome and avoid
that is focused on the outcome and avoid
that is focused on the outcome and avoid the dysfunctional conflict which is
the dysfunctional conflict which is
the dysfunctional conflict which is where it gets personal where we get mad
where it gets personal where we get mad
where it gets personal where we get mad at each other well where do we do it
at each other well where do we do it
at each other well where do we do it right I would contend we do conflict
right I would contend we do conflict
right I would contend we do conflict right in our society in two arenas
right in our society in two arenas
right in our society in two arenas sports and the law I know we like to
sports and the law I know we like to
sports and the law I know we like to pick on attorneys but I think they get
pick on attorneys but I think they get
pick on attorneys but I think they get this one largely right and what’s true
this one largely right and what’s true
this one largely right and what’s true about the conflict that occurs in both
about the conflict that occurs in both
about the conflict that occurs in both the sports arena and in the legal arena
the sports arena and in the legal arena
the sports arena and in the legal arena in both of those arenas conflict has a
in both of those arenas conflict has a
in both of those arenas conflict has a very clear beginning the game starts the
very clear beginning the game starts the
very clear beginning the game starts the umpire says go and you throw out the
umpire says go and you throw out the
umpire says go and you throw out the first pitch there’s a wind-up clock
first pitch there’s a wind-up clock
first pitch there’s a wind-up clock there’s a whistle and the game starts
there’s a whistle and the game starts
there’s a whistle and the game starts there’s a clear middle there’s a clear
there’s a clear middle there’s a clear
there’s a clear middle there’s a clear management of the conflict process there
management of the conflict process there
management of the conflict process there are rules in a way to enforce the rules
are rules in a way to enforce the rules
are rules in a way to enforce the rules attorneys go to court they can’t just
attorneys go to court they can’t just
attorneys go to court they can’t just say anything they want and do anything
say anything they want and do anything
say anything they want and do anything they want there are rules of evidence
they want there are rules of evidence
they want there are rules of evidence there’s things that the judge does to
there’s things that the judge does to
there’s things that the judge does to manage the process and if you don’t do
manage the process and if you don’t do
manage the process and if you don’t do what the judge tells you to do in court
what the judge tells you to do in court
what the judge tells you to do in court bad things can happen to you and there
bad things can happen to you and there
bad things can happen to you and there is a clear ending conflict that drags on
is a clear ending conflict that drags on
is a clear ending conflict that drags on conflict that goes on and on and on
conflict that goes on and on and on
conflict that goes on and on and on tends to become dysfunctional we have
tends to become dysfunctional we have
tends to become dysfunctional we have this argument again and people get
this argument again and people get
this argument again and people get annoyed by the fact that once again I’m
annoyed by the fact that once again I’m
annoyed by the fact that once again I’m going to have to have the same debate
going to have to have the same debate
going to have to have the same debate over and over the key to having good
over and over the key to having good
over and over the key to having good conflict and decision-making a clear
conflict and decision-making a clear
conflict and decision-making a clear beginning
beginning
beginning well-managed middle and a clear end so
well-managed middle and a clear end so
well-managed middle and a clear end so let’s think about how we do those three
let’s think about how we do those three
let’s think about how we do those three things clean beginning well-managed
things clean beginning well-managed
things clean beginning well-managed middle and a clean end how do we do a
middle and a clean end how do we do a
middle and a clean end how do we do a clean beginning we expect conflict to
clean beginning we expect conflict to
clean beginning we expect conflict to happen conflict shouldn’t break out in
happen conflict shouldn’t break out in
happen conflict shouldn’t break out in decision-making you’re not in a process
decision-making you’re not in a process
decision-making you’re not in a process of trying to decide should we do a or B
of trying to decide should we do a or B
of trying to decide should we do a or B some important decision in life and
some important decision in life and
some important decision in life and conflict breaks out you should schedule
conflict breaks out you should schedule
conflict breaks out you should schedule it into the process we know that next
it into the process we know that next
it into the process we know that next Tuesday at 8 we’re going to engage in a
Tuesday at 8 we’re going to engage in a
Tuesday at 8 we’re going to engage in a discussion about whether your
discussion about whether your
discussion about whether your organization should grow this way or
organization should grow this way or
organization should grow this way or that way
that way
that way a couple’s about the decision so we buy
a couple’s about the decision so we buy
a couple’s about the decision so we buy a new house should we remodel this house
a new house should we remodel this house
a new house should we remodel this house well let’s fight about it let’s have
well let’s fight about it let’s have
well let’s fight about it let’s have conflict let’s think about what are the
conflict let’s think about what are the
conflict let’s think about what are the pros and cons of a what are the pros and
pros and cons of a what are the pros and
pros and cons of a what are the pros and cons of B we’re about ready to make the
cons of B we’re about ready to make the
cons of B we’re about ready to make the decision to do something one of the
decision to do something one of the
decision to do something one of the questions I love to ask when I’m ready
questions I love to ask when I’m ready
questions I love to ask when I’m ready to make a decision is why might this be
to make a decision is why might this be
to make a decision is why might this be a really dumb decision because I’ve made
a really dumb decision because I’ve made
a really dumb decision because I’ve made decisions in life that were really dumb
decisions in life that were really dumb
decisions in life that were really dumb decisions but I figured that out all too
decisions but I figured that out all too
decisions but I figured that out all too often after I made the decision asking
often after I made the decision asking
often after I made the decision asking the question why might this be a really
the question why might this be a really
the question why might this be a really dumb decision and encouraging conflict
dumb decision and encouraging conflict
dumb decision and encouraging conflict before it blows up is the way you want
before it blows up is the way you want
before it blows up is the way you want to do this thing you schedule conflict
to do this thing you schedule conflict
to do this thing you schedule conflict into the process and then you manage the
into the process and then you manage the
into the process and then you manage the middle just as in sports there are rules
middle just as in sports there are rules
middle just as in sports there are rules and there’s consequences for violating
and there’s consequences for violating
and there’s consequences for violating rules you have a code of conduct in this
rules you have a code of conduct in this
rules you have a code of conduct in this organization in this relationship this
organization in this relationship this
organization in this relationship this is how we’re going to manage conflict
is how we’re going to manage conflict
is how we’re going to manage conflict when we have conflict it won’t get
when we have conflict it won’t get
when we have conflict it won’t get personal you’re not allowed to call each
personal you’re not allowed to call each
personal you’re not allowed to call each other people other people’s names you
other people other people’s names you
other people other people’s names you have to give people timeouts if they
have to give people timeouts if they
have to give people timeouts if they want whatever your rules are but you
want whatever your rules are but you
want whatever your rules are but you have a code of conduct and you have a
have a code of conduct and you have a
have a code of conduct and you have a way to enforce it one of the
way to enforce it one of the
way to enforce it one of the organization’s I work with they have a
organization’s I work with they have a
organization’s I work with they have a bunch of stuff fish in all their meeting
bunch of stuff fish in all their meeting
bunch of stuff fish in all their meeting rooms a little plush ones not the you
rooms a little plush ones not the you
rooms a little plush ones not the you know I caught this trophy fish thing and
know I caught this trophy fish thing and
know I caught this trophy fish thing and if I think you violated the code of
if I think you violated the code of
if I think you violated the code of conduct I pick up one of these fish and
conduct I pick up one of these fish and
conduct I pick up one of these fish and throw it at you but first of all can you
throw it at you but first of all can you
throw it at you but first of all can you really get mad at somebody for throwing
really get mad at somebody for throwing
really get mad at somebody for throwing a stuffed fish at you I mean you’d this
a stuffed fish at you I mean you’d this
a stuffed fish at you I mean you’d this should lighten the mood a bit and the
should lighten the mood a bit and the
should lighten the mood a bit and the concept is you just did something fishy
concept is you just did something fishy
concept is you just did something fishy and so then the meeting stops we move
and so then the meeting stops we move
and so then the meeting stops we move from having debate about this
from having debate about this
from having debate about this – how do we deal with this violation of
– how do we deal with this violation of
– how do we deal with this violation of the code of conduct you need some
the code of conduct you need some
the code of conduct you need some methodology that says these are rules
methodology that says these are rules
methodology that says these are rules when we have conflict this is how we’re
when we have conflict this is how we’re
when we have conflict this is how we’re going to do it and if you play outside
going to do it and if you play outside
going to do it and if you play outside of those rules there are consequences
of those rules there are consequences
of those rules there are consequences you need to manage the conflict you need
you need to manage the conflict you need
you need to manage the conflict you need to recognize that some people think fast
to recognize that some people think fast
to recognize that some people think fast I’m a fast thinker put me into a debate
I’m a fast thinker put me into a debate
I’m a fast thinker put me into a debate I can come up with an analysis right
I can come up with an analysis right
I can come up with an analysis right away go my wife is a slow I used to say
away go my wife is a slow I used to say
away go my wife is a slow I used to say thinker she objects to that she it’s
thinker she objects to that she it’s
thinker she objects to that she it’s she’s a slow processor I do want to be
she’s a slow processor I do want to be
she’s a slow processor I do want to be clear I’m not standing in front of a
clear I’m not standing in front of a
clear I’m not standing in front of a group of folks saying my wife is a slow
group of folks saying my wife is a slow
group of folks saying my wife is a slow thinker
thinker
thinker some people think fast some think slow
some people think fast some think slow
some people think fast some think slow if I’m managing conflict now I’ve got
if I’m managing conflict now I’ve got
if I’m managing conflict now I’ve got fast thinkers and slow processors and I
fast thinkers and slow processors and I
fast thinkers and slow processors and I put them in a room and say go make the
put them in a room and say go make the
put them in a room and say go make the decision now the fast thinkers are fine
decision now the fast thinkers are fine
decision now the fast thinkers are fine the slow process are frustrated because
the slow process are frustrated because
the slow process are frustrated because they didn’t get time to think about it
they didn’t get time to think about it
they didn’t get time to think about it so the conflict breaks down we need to
so the conflict breaks down we need to
so the conflict breaks down we need to manage the conflict in such a way that
manage the conflict in such a way that
manage the conflict in such a way that the fast thinkers and the slow
the fast thinkers and the slow
the fast thinkers and the slow processors all get their turn we need to
processors all get their turn we need to
processors all get their turn we need to keep a motion out of it have you ever
keep a motion out of it have you ever
keep a motion out of it have you ever been in conflict where you said
been in conflict where you said
been in conflict where you said something that you knew had no shot of
something that you knew had no shot of
something that you knew had no shot of helping to resolve the issue no shot at
helping to resolve the issue no shot at
helping to resolve the issue no shot at making this all get better and instead
making this all get better and instead
making this all get better and instead what it was gonna do is make it worse
what it was gonna do is make it worse
what it was gonna do is make it worse but it was gonna feel really good to say
but it was gonna feel really good to say
but it was gonna feel really good to say it again I do not need a show of you but
it again I do not need a show of you but
it again I do not need a show of you but and somebody’s got two hands up again on
and somebody’s got two hands up again on
and somebody’s got two hands up again on that one no don’t do that that does not
that one no don’t do that that does not
that one no don’t do that that does not help you have to find a way to control
help you have to find a way to control
help you have to find a way to control your emotions you have to find a way to
your emotions you have to find a way to
your emotions you have to find a way to control the emotions of other
control the emotions of other
control the emotions of other individuals so that we can have conflict
individuals so that we can have conflict
individuals so that we can have conflict without it getting emotional loads of
without it getting emotional loads of
without it getting emotional loads of ways to do that and that would be a
ways to do that and that would be a
ways to do that and that would be a whole nother talk but fundamentally
whole nother talk but fundamentally
whole nother talk but fundamentally remind yourself that it doesn’t matter
remind yourself that it doesn’t matter
remind yourself that it doesn’t matter in the big picture of life so why most
in the big picture of life so why most
in the big picture of life so why most of things we have conflict over laying
of things we have conflict over laying
of things we have conflict over laying on your deathbed are you gonna care
on your deathbed are you gonna care
on your deathbed are you gonna care laying on your deathbed I’m gonna think
laying on your deathbed I’m gonna think
laying on your deathbed I’m gonna think about my spouse and my children maybe a
about my spouse and my children maybe a
about my spouse and my children maybe a little bit else most of stuff we have
little bit else most of stuff we have
little bit else most of stuff we have conflict on the big picture it doesn’t
conflict on the big picture it doesn’t
conflict on the big picture it doesn’t matter
matter
matter don’t let yourself get emotionally upset
don’t let yourself get emotionally upset
don’t let yourself get emotionally upset and it’s not going to help
and it’s not going to help
and it’s not going to help well manage middles
well manage middles
well manage middles and a clean ending you need a clean end
and a clean ending you need a clean end
and a clean ending you need a clean end conflict cannot drag on and on it it
conflict cannot drag on and on it it
conflict cannot drag on and on it it paralysis by analysis we never make a
paralysis by analysis we never make a
paralysis by analysis we never make a decision the organization a couple of
decision the organization a couple of
decision the organization a couple of whoever don’t move forward but beyond
whoever don’t move forward but beyond
whoever don’t move forward but beyond that the conflict that drags on and on
that the conflict that drags on and on
that the conflict that drags on and on and on inevitably becomes dysfunctional
and on inevitably becomes dysfunctional
and on inevitably becomes dysfunctional so what you want to do is have a clean
so what you want to do is have a clean
so what you want to do is have a clean end and what we love in organizations is
end and what we love in organizations is
end and what we love in organizations is we have consensus so we got everybody in
we have consensus so we got everybody in
we have consensus so we got everybody in the room we had a discussion we had a
the room we had a discussion we had a
the room we had a discussion we had a debate side a side B we had the
debate side a side B we had the
debate side a side B we had the discussion we had a nice debate okay
discussion we had a nice debate okay
discussion we had a nice debate okay what does everybody really think and now
what does everybody really think and now
what does everybody really think and now we’ve all agreed that we want to do a
we’ve all agreed that we want to do a
we’ve all agreed that we want to do a I’m an HR person by training the
I’m an HR person by training the
I’m an HR person by training the accusation against us is we can’t make a
accusation against us is we can’t make a
accusation against us is we can’t make a decision unless we first all hold hands
decision unless we first all hold hands
decision unless we first all hold hands sing Kumbaya and make sure everybody
sing Kumbaya and make sure everybody
sing Kumbaya and make sure everybody feels good which is kind of true about
feels good which is kind of true about
feels good which is kind of true about HR types but sometimes we can’t get to
HR types but sometimes we can’t get to
HR types but sometimes we can’t get to consensus sometimes in organization
consensus sometimes in organization
consensus sometimes in organization somebody needs to stand up I do a lot of
somebody needs to stand up I do a lot of
somebody needs to stand up I do a lot of work in family businesses and say look
work in family businesses and say look
work in family businesses and say look I’ve heard sigh day I’ve heard side B it
I’ve heard sigh day I’ve heard side B it
I’ve heard sigh day I’ve heard side B it turns out my name is on the building and
turns out my name is on the building and
turns out my name is on the building and I’ve decided the answer is a I love
I’ve decided the answer is a I love
I’ve decided the answer is a I love consensus but don’t be afraid to have a
consensus but don’t be afraid to have a
consensus but don’t be afraid to have a methodology that says this is how we
methodology that says this is how we
methodology that says this is how we will end the debate we will not let this
will end the debate we will not let this
will end the debate we will not let this thing drag on and on somebody will end
thing drag on and on somebody will end
thing drag on and on somebody will end it and my experience has been even if I
it and my experience has been even if I
it and my experience has been even if I quote lose I the decision is made not
quote lose I the decision is made not
quote lose I the decision is made not the direction I wanted that’s okay I
the direction I wanted that’s okay I
the direction I wanted that’s okay I don’t get mad at that as long as I felt
don’t get mad at that as long as I felt
don’t get mad at that as long as I felt like I was heard as long as I felt like
like I was heard as long as I felt like
like I was heard as long as I felt like my opinion was considered you never ask
my opinion was considered you never ask
my opinion was considered you never ask somebody their opinion unless you really
somebody their opinion unless you really
somebody their opinion unless you really want it but if you listen to it you hear
want it but if you listen to it you hear
want it but if you listen to it you hear it in the debate you recognize it echo
it in the debate you recognize it echo
it in the debate you recognize it echo it back and then make a decision to go
it back and then make a decision to go
it back and then make a decision to go another direction my experience has been
another direction my experience has been
another direction my experience has been in organizations people’s like all right
in organizations people’s like all right
in organizations people’s like all right that’s fine fundamentally the argument
that’s fine fundamentally the argument
that’s fine fundamentally the argument is conflict is a wonderful thing in
is conflict is a wonderful thing in
is conflict is a wonderful thing in decision-making if done right your job
decision-making if done right your job
decision-making if done right your job in decision-making is to be a thermostat
in decision-making is to be a thermostat
in decision-making is to be a thermostat if there’s not enough conflict you need
if there’s not enough conflict you need
if there’s not enough conflict you need to turn it up if there’s too much
to turn it up if there’s too much
to turn it up if there’s too much conflict you got to turn it down you’ve
conflict you got to turn it down you’ve
conflict you got to turn it down you’ve got to keep conflict in the functional
got to keep conflict in the functional
got to keep conflict in the functional non personal focusing on the outcome
non personal focusing on the outcome
non personal focusing on the outcome you’ve got to have a process that avoids
you’ve got to have a process that avoids
you’ve got to have a process that avoids conflict moving into the dysfunctional
conflict moving into the dysfunctional
conflict moving into the dysfunctional becoming
becoming
becoming personal and if you do that I am
personal and if you do that I am
personal and if you do that I am confident that you will have better
confident that you will have better
confident that you will have better decisions thank you and have a good day
decisions thank you and have a good day
decisions thank you and have a good day [Applause]
”
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