[Music] [Applause]
[Applause]
[Applause] do you know people who are quick to
do you know people who are quick to
do you know people who are quick to judge quick to criticize others and who
judge quick to criticize others and who
judge quick to criticize others and who feel morally superior and justified in
feel morally superior and justified in
feel morally superior and justified in their view well I’m one of them two
their view well I’m one of them two
their view well I’m one of them two summers ago I met a guy named Dave at a
summers ago I met a guy named Dave at a
summers ago I met a guy named Dave at a conference at the opening cocktail party
conference at the opening cocktail party
conference at the opening cocktail party we’re drinking chatting how do you like
we’re drinking chatting how do you like
we’re drinking chatting how do you like the conference the food the vibe it’s
the conference the food the vibe it’s
the conference the food the vibe it’s very friendly and casual until the
very friendly and casual until the
very friendly and casual until the conversation turns to politics and
conversation turns to politics and
conversation turns to politics and without getting into our political
without getting into our political
without getting into our political affiliations Dave turns to me and he
affiliations Dave turns to me and he
affiliations Dave turns to me and he says you know I’m not a porcupine I’m a
says you know I’m not a porcupine I’m a
says you know I’m not a porcupine I’m a hedgehog my first reaction is visceral
hedgehog my first reaction is visceral
hedgehog my first reaction is visceral like what what did he just say did he
like what what did he just say did he
like what what did he just say did he just say he was a head chug
just say he was a head chug
just say he was a head chug wait a minute there are hedgehogs at
wait a minute there are hedgehogs at
wait a minute there are hedgehogs at this conference and that was the
this conference and that was the
this conference and that was the beginning of this cascading series of
beginning of this cascading series of
beginning of this cascading series of thoughts in my head so the friendly
thoughts in my head so the friendly
thoughts in my head so the friendly feeling of a cocktail chat it’s fading
feeling of a cocktail chat it’s fading
feeling of a cocktail chat it’s fading quickly he’s a hedgehog I am a porcupine
quickly he’s a hedgehog I am a porcupine
quickly he’s a hedgehog I am a porcupine we’re on different teams it was
we’re on different teams it was
we’re on different teams it was immediately him versus me when someone
immediately him versus me when someone
immediately him versus me when someone disagrees with their ideas it can it can
disagrees with their ideas it can it can
disagrees with their ideas it can it can feel like a threat even a personal
feel like a threat even a personal
feel like a threat even a personal attack on our beliefs our principles our
attack on our beliefs our principles our
attack on our beliefs our principles our integrity our whole system mind and body
integrity our whole system mind and body
integrity our whole system mind and body get activated our body moves from
get activated our body moves from
get activated our body moves from relaxation to physical tension anger and
relaxation to physical tension anger and
relaxation to physical tension anger and defensiveness we lose access to our
defensiveness we lose access to our
defensiveness we lose access to our rational mind the amygdala the place in
rational mind the amygdala the place in
rational mind the amygdala the place in our brain that governs alarm and danger
our brain that governs alarm and danger
our brain that governs alarm and danger gets fired up and fills us with a dread
gets fired up and fills us with a dread
gets fired up and fills us with a dread and emotion I’m ready the brain says and
and emotion I’m ready the brain says and
and emotion I’m ready the brain says and I was I was ready to fight and argue and
I was I was ready to fight and argue and
I was I was ready to fight and argue and defend I mean who was he to tell me
defend I mean who was he to tell me
defend I mean who was he to tell me porcupines have it all wrong
porcupines have it all wrong
porcupines have it all wrong now of course Dave didn’t say that
now of course Dave didn’t say that
now of course Dave didn’t say that but I’m having this parallel
but I’m having this parallel
but I’m having this parallel conversation with Dave in my head and
conversation with Dave in my head and
conversation with Dave in my head and it’s really loud
it’s really loud
it’s really loud I mean I felt like he had threatened my
I mean I felt like he had threatened my
I mean I felt like he had threatened my whole porcupine existence but did he did
whole porcupine existence but did he did
whole porcupine existence but did he did he attack my character or accuse me of
he attack my character or accuse me of
he attack my character or accuse me of being misinformed no he just said he was
being misinformed no he just said he was
being misinformed no he just said he was a hedgehog poor Dave our beliefs about
a hedgehog poor Dave our beliefs about
a hedgehog poor Dave our beliefs about ourselves in the world they’re the
ourselves in the world they’re the
ourselves in the world they’re the result of many things things conscious
result of many things things conscious
result of many things things conscious and unconscious public and deeply
and unconscious public and deeply
and unconscious public and deeply private our history and family our
private our history and family our
private our history and family our relationships and experiences the
relationships and experiences the
relationships and experiences the actions we take in the world even our
actions we take in the world even our
actions we take in the world even our failures disappointments losses they’re
failures disappointments losses they’re
failures disappointments losses they’re all pieces of our identity woven
all pieces of our identity woven
all pieces of our identity woven together to create our view of the world
together to create our view of the world
together to create our view of the world so Dave and I get into it
so Dave and I get into it
so Dave and I get into it we start with abortion now I’m sort of
we start with abortion now I’m sort of
we start with abortion now I’m sort of listening today but I’m really just
listening today but I’m really just
listening today but I’m really just forming my own arguments in my head
forming my own arguments in my head
forming my own arguments in my head because I know the typical Hedgehog view
because I know the typical Hedgehog view
because I know the typical Hedgehog view of abortion so I’m convinced I know
of abortion so I’m convinced I know
of abortion so I’m convinced I know exactly what to expect from Dave from
exactly what to expect from Dave from
exactly what to expect from Dave from there we go on to debate Israel another
there we go on to debate Israel another
there we go on to debate Israel another low stress subject the conference rat
low stress subject the conference rat
low stress subject the conference rat it’s about Jewish leadership so there
it’s about Jewish leadership so there
it’s about Jewish leadership so there are plenty of religious and cultural
are plenty of religious and cultural
are plenty of religious and cultural things to debate which we do then we go
things to debate which we do then we go
things to debate which we do then we go on to debate the death penalty at this
on to debate the death penalty at this
on to debate the death penalty at this point I don’t know what Dave is saying
point I don’t know what Dave is saying
point I don’t know what Dave is saying all I know is I was right
self-righteousness the conviction that
self-righteousness the conviction that I’m right and you’re wrong and that
I’m right and you’re wrong and that
I’m right and you’re wrong and that moral certainty that my views are the
moral certainty that my views are the
moral certainty that my views are the correct ones porcupines are better
correct ones porcupines are better
correct ones porcupines are better hedgehogs
hedgehogs
hedgehogs they’re not that bright and to be honest
they’re not that bright and to be honest
they’re not that bright and to be honest they’re not that attractive either they
they’re not that attractive either they
they’re not that attractive either they waddle around on those fat leg
waddle around on those fat leg
waddle around on those fat leg my judgment is so clouded I can’t even
my judgment is so clouded I can’t even
my judgment is so clouded I can’t even see that there’s room for both views I
see that there’s room for both views I
see that there’s room for both views I hear myself saying things like that’s
hear myself saying things like that’s
hear myself saying things like that’s outrageous and how ridiculous words that
outrageous and how ridiculous words that
outrageous and how ridiculous words that denigrate so in my head not only is Dave
denigrate so in my head not only is Dave
denigrate so in my head not only is Dave wrong he’s also stupid the problem with
wrong he’s also stupid the problem with
wrong he’s also stupid the problem with this way of thinking it distances us
this way of thinking it distances us
this way of thinking it distances us from the other person it puts us into
from the other person it puts us into
from the other person it puts us into camps it’s the opposite of creating a
camps it’s the opposite of creating a
camps it’s the opposite of creating a bridge our inclination to judge others
bridge our inclination to judge others
bridge our inclination to judge others it’s one of the most powerful impulses
it’s one of the most powerful impulses
it’s one of the most powerful impulses we have now judgment is a neutral term
we have now judgment is a neutral term
we have now judgment is a neutral term it can mean discernment or
it can mean discernment or
it can mean discernment or thoughtfulness but in this instance it
thoughtfulness but in this instance it
thoughtfulness but in this instance it means making negative assumptions of
means making negative assumptions of
means making negative assumptions of another and it comes from in part our
another and it comes from in part our
another and it comes from in part our own insecurities how does it work well
own insecurities how does it work well
own insecurities how does it work well our feelings of insecurity and
our feelings of insecurity and
our feelings of insecurity and inadequacy they’re really hard to sit
inadequacy they’re really hard to sit
inadequacy they’re really hard to sit with they feel uncomfortable and we hate
with they feel uncomfortable and we hate
with they feel uncomfortable and we hate that part of ourselves so we project all
that part of ourselves so we project all
that part of ourselves so we project all of those feelings outward and find fault
of those feelings outward and find fault
of those feelings outward and find fault with everyone else for example in my
with everyone else for example in my
with everyone else for example in my younger years I was a professional
younger years I was a professional
younger years I was a professional dancer I gave it up to go follow a
dancer I gave it up to go follow a
dancer I gave it up to go follow a boyfriend out to California I have a lot
boyfriend out to California I have a lot
boyfriend out to California I have a lot of conflict about letting it go so I
of conflict about letting it go so I
of conflict about letting it go so I could go find a ballet class to go to
could go find a ballet class to go to
could go find a ballet class to go to right but somehow I never get there all
right but somehow I never get there all
right but somehow I never get there all that regret and conflict would get
that regret and conflict would get
that regret and conflict would get stirred up so now whenever I go to a
stirred up so now whenever I go to a
stirred up so now whenever I go to a dance event even at my kids school I
dance event even at my kids school I
dance event even at my kids school I find myself getting irrationally
find myself getting irrationally
find myself getting irrationally critical and judgmental the choreography
critical and judgmental the choreography
critical and judgmental the choreography it’s terrible she’s not pointing her
it’s terrible she’s not pointing her
it’s terrible she’s not pointing her toes all of my own insecurities comes
toes all of my own insecurities comes
toes all of my own insecurities comes pouring out in the form of judgment of a
pouring out in the form of judgment of a
pouring out in the form of judgment of a bunch of 12 year olds at their local
bunch of 12 year olds at their local
bunch of 12 year olds at their local dance recital so where are we with Dave
dance recital so where are we with Dave
dance recital so where are we with Dave my mind is racing with all kinds of
my mind is racing with all kinds of
my mind is racing with all kinds of negative thoughts about how idiotic he
negative thoughts about how idiotic he
negative thoughts about how idiotic he is and not just his ideas him I know I
is and not just his ideas him I know I
is and not just his ideas him I know I met him about 10 minutes ago but I’ve
met him about 10 minutes ago but I’ve
met him about 10 minutes ago but I’ve written him off
written him off
written him off total jerk so last summer I see Dave
total jerk so last summer I see Dave
total jerk so last summer I see Dave again at another conference and when I
again at another conference and when I
again at another conference and when I see him I think oh there’s that guy
see him I think oh there’s that guy
see him I think oh there’s that guy again what’s he gonna say now we start
again what’s he gonna say now we start
again what’s he gonna say now we start talking turns out he’s also the parent
talking turns out he’s also the parent
talking turns out he’s also the parent of a high school senior we talked about
of a high school senior we talked about
of a high school senior we talked about getting our kids ready for college the
getting our kids ready for college the
getting our kids ready for college the challenges of parenting and adolescent
challenges of parenting and adolescent
challenges of parenting and adolescent no talk of porcupines or hedgehogs
no talk of porcupines or hedgehogs
no talk of porcupines or hedgehogs I think this bit of shared experience
I think this bit of shared experience
I think this bit of shared experience plus the passage of time kind of gives
plus the passage of time kind of gives
plus the passage of time kind of gives me pause it slows me down to get a
me pause it slows me down to get a
me pause it slows me down to get a different perspective on Dave I hate to
different perspective on Dave I hate to
different perspective on Dave I hate to admit it he’s a really nice guy after we
admit it he’s a really nice guy after we
admit it he’s a really nice guy after we say goodbye I almost turn around and
say goodbye I almost turn around and
say goodbye I almost turn around and apologize for my behavior that first
apologize for my behavior that first
apologize for my behavior that first summer but I don’t so what can we do
summer but I don’t so what can we do
summer but I don’t so what can we do when we encounter someone with a
when we encounter someone with a
when we encounter someone with a different view how can we mitigate our
different view how can we mitigate our
different view how can we mitigate our own reactivity well the first thing is
own reactivity well the first thing is
own reactivity well the first thing is to recognize how emotional our belief
to recognize how emotional our belief
to recognize how emotional our belief system is and how quickly our mind moves
system is and how quickly our mind moves
system is and how quickly our mind moves from rational to irrational slowing down
from rational to irrational slowing down
from rational to irrational slowing down our reaction time is vital this helps us
our reaction time is vital this helps us
our reaction time is vital this helps us to resist that temptation to be right
to resist that temptation to be right
to resist that temptation to be right and that impulse to judge and denigrate
and that impulse to judge and denigrate
and that impulse to judge and denigrate I wish I could redo that first summer
I wish I could redo that first summer
I wish I could redo that first summer with Dave if I could how might it go
with Dave if I could how might it go
with Dave if I could how might it go well when he revealed his hedgehog
well when he revealed his hedgehog
well when he revealed his hedgehog status I might have tried to grab hold
status I might have tried to grab hold
status I might have tried to grab hold of my rational mind are any of you dog
of my rational mind are any of you dog
of my rational mind are any of you dog owners do you know when your dog sees
owners do you know when your dog sees
owners do you know when your dog sees another dog across the street and lunges
another dog across the street and lunges
another dog across the street and lunges forward and you’re like whoa whoa slow
forward and you’re like whoa whoa slow
forward and you’re like whoa whoa slow down let’s just say hello let’s just
down let’s just say hello let’s just
down let’s just say hello let’s just have a sniff the dog is our own mind and
have a sniff the dog is our own mind and
have a sniff the dog is our own mind and when Dave told me he was a hedgehog I
when Dave told me he was a hedgehog I
when Dave told me he was a hedgehog I lunged forward into all kinds of
lunged forward into all kinds of
lunged forward into all kinds of accusations and assumptions if I could
accusations and assumptions if I could
accusations and assumptions if I could redo it I would have said all right he’s
redo it I would have said all right he’s
redo it I would have said all right he’s a hedgehog let’s find out what he
a hedgehog let’s find out what he
a hedgehog let’s find out what he actually thinks
actually thinks
actually thinks being right feels good but it doesn’t
being right feels good but it doesn’t
being right feels good but it doesn’t further the conversation or help us
further the conversation or help us
further the conversation or help us listen to what someone is actually
listen to what someone is actually
listen to what someone is actually saying instead of arguing with Dave in
saying instead of arguing with Dave in
saying instead of arguing with Dave in my head I might have said okay tell me
my head I might have said okay tell me
my head I might have said okay tell me more so I understand and if I felt that
more so I understand and if I felt that
more so I understand and if I felt that judgment creep in I could have asked
judgment creep in I could have asked
judgment creep in I could have asked myself whoa am i projecting something
myself whoa am i projecting something
myself whoa am i projecting something that I’m insecure about I don’t know if
that I’m insecure about I don’t know if
that I’m insecure about I don’t know if I’ll ever see Dave again but I know he
I’ll ever see Dave again but I know he
I’ll ever see Dave again but I know he won’t be the last person I meet that I
won’t be the last person I meet that I
won’t be the last person I meet that I disagree with and when that time comes I
disagree with and when that time comes I
disagree with and when that time comes I hope I can hold on to my rational mind
hope I can hold on to my rational mind
hope I can hold on to my rational mind slow down and really listen and maybe
slow down and really listen and maybe
slow down and really listen and maybe then I’ll learn something about a view
then I’ll learn something about a view
then I’ll learn something about a view different from my own thank you
”
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