[Music] maila
maila
maila can be a real bitch she’s disengaged
can be a real bitch she’s disengaged
can be a real bitch she’s disengaged she’s boring she’s lazy and worst of all
she’s boring she’s lazy and worst of all
she’s boring she’s lazy and worst of all she’s mean obviously she’s not a
she’s mean obviously she’s not a
she’s mean obviously she’s not a particularly likeable individual but I
particularly likeable individual but I
particularly likeable individual but I do want to share her story with you
do want to share her story with you
do want to share her story with you Mela has always been a shadowy presence
Mela has always been a shadowy presence
Mela has always been a shadowy presence in my life
in my life
in my life lurking in the background she was an
lurking in the background she was an
lurking in the background she was an occasional irritant who would disrupt my
occasional irritant who would disrupt my
occasional irritant who would disrupt my usual groove when she showed up but I
usual groove when she showed up but I
usual groove when she showed up but I never gave her much thought then
never gave her much thought then
never gave her much thought then something happened I was at a conference
something happened I was at a conference
something happened I was at a conference listening to Carol Dweck speak about
listening to Carol Dweck speak about
listening to Carol Dweck speak about growth and fixed mindset and she issued
growth and fixed mindset and she issued
growth and fixed mindset and she issued this challenge get to know your fixed
this challenge get to know your fixed
this challenge get to know your fixed mindset name it legitimize it learn its
mindset name it legitimize it learn its
mindset name it legitimize it learn its triggers in its reactions this is how
triggers in its reactions this is how
triggers in its reactions this is how you will overcome it she said and that’s
you will overcome it she said and that’s
you will overcome it she said and that’s when I noticed Mela
when I noticed Mela
when I noticed Mela you see Mela the disengaged boring lazy
you see Mela the disengaged boring lazy
you see Mela the disengaged boring lazy mean girl is me while some of the time
mean girl is me while some of the time
mean girl is me while some of the time she’s my fixed mindset when I first met
she’s my fixed mindset when I first met
she’s my fixed mindset when I first met my ella i was already a full fledged
my ella i was already a full fledged
my ella i was already a full fledged growth mindset groupie and like many
growth mindset groupie and like many
growth mindset groupie and like many educators thinking about mindset I was
educators thinking about mindset I was
educators thinking about mindset I was more concerned with promoting growth
more concerned with promoting growth
more concerned with promoting growth mindedness than I was with understanding
mindedness than I was with understanding
mindedness than I was with understanding it’s darker counterpart the dreaded
it’s darker counterpart the dreaded
it’s darker counterpart the dreaded fixed mindset it had all started in 2013
fixed mindset it had all started in 2013
fixed mindset it had all started in 2013 with Quinn our oldest son he was
with Quinn our oldest son he was
with Quinn our oldest son he was two-and-a-half and my husband and I had
two-and-a-half and my husband and I had
two-and-a-half and my husband and I had noticed that he was already risk and
noticed that he was already risk and
noticed that he was already risk and failure averse he often refused to try
failure averse he often refused to try
failure averse he often refused to try new things so I’d been learning about
new things so I’d been learning about
new things so I’d been learning about Dweck’s work around praise and like good
Dweck’s work around praise and like good
Dweck’s work around praise and like good teachers we decided to try this stuff
teachers we decided to try this stuff
teachers we decided to try this stuff out on him rich started talking to Quinn
out on him rich started talking to Quinn
out on him rich started talking to Quinn about problem-solving and risk-taking
about problem-solving and risk-taking
about problem-solving and risk-taking and I started celebrating when Quinn
and I started celebrating when Quinn
and I started celebrating when Quinn fell at the playground I would cheer
fell at the playground I would cheer
fell at the playground I would cheer good try we learned from falling and
good try we learned from falling and
good try we learned from falling and soon things started to change our little
soon things started to change our little
soon things started to change our little boy was striving to try new things
boy was striving to try new things
boy was striving to try new things joyfully high-fiving us even when he
joyfully high-fiving us even when he
joyfully high-fiving us even when he didn’t succeed and refusing to give up
didn’t succeed and refusing to give up
didn’t succeed and refusing to give up until he conquered his task fast-forward
until he conquered his task fast-forward
until he conquered his task fast-forward four years and Quinn’s grade one teacher
four years and Quinn’s grade one teacher
four years and Quinn’s grade one teacher described him as a highly motivated
described him as a highly motivated
described him as a highly motivated learner who is confident
learner who is confident
learner who is confident in taking risks and asking questions
in taking risks and asking questions
in taking risks and asking questions Quinn has played three seasons of
Quinn has played three seasons of
Quinn has played three seasons of lacrosse and he has yet to score goal
lacrosse and he has yet to score goal
lacrosse and he has yet to score goal and I have never not once heard Quinn
and I have never not once heard Quinn
and I have never not once heard Quinn talk about this failing as a lack of
talk about this failing as a lack of
talk about this failing as a lack of innate ability Quinn talks about what he
innate ability Quinn talks about what he
innate ability Quinn talks about what he needs to do to get better he’s not
needs to do to get better he’s not
needs to do to get better he’s not delusional he recognizes that he’s not
delusional he recognizes that he’s not
delusional he recognizes that he’s not as skilled as some of the other players
as skilled as some of the other players
as skilled as some of the other players the astounding thing is he believes that
the astounding thing is he believes that
the astounding thing is he believes that he can be through practice that is the
he can be through practice that is the
he can be through practice that is the power of a growth mindset this is not to
power of a growth mindset this is not to
power of a growth mindset this is not to say that Quinn has mastered his fixed
say that Quinn has mastered his fixed
say that Quinn has mastered his fixed mindset this spring I watched as he
mindset this spring I watched as he
mindset this spring I watched as he erupted into a tearful screaming snotty
erupted into a tearful screaming snotty
erupted into a tearful screaming snotty mess in our driveway he screeched that
mess in our driveway he screeched that
mess in our driveway he screeched that he would never ever ever be able to make
he would never ever ever be able to make
he would never ever ever be able to make the basketball shot he was trying to
the basketball shot he was trying to
the basketball shot he was trying to make he gave up he was consumed by his
make he gave up he was consumed by his
make he gave up he was consumed by his fixed mindset and it was a good reminder
fixed mindset and it was a good reminder
fixed mindset and it was a good reminder that when it comes to mindset our work
that when it comes to mindset our work
that when it comes to mindset our work has never done which brings me back to
has never done which brings me back to
has never done which brings me back to mail this story it all started out as a
mail this story it all started out as a
mail this story it all started out as a joke really after hearing 2x speak
joke really after hearing 2x speak
joke really after hearing 2x speak everyone was coming up with funny names
everyone was coming up with funny names
everyone was coming up with funny names for their fixed mindsets but for me it
for their fixed mindsets but for me it
for their fixed mindsets but for me it turned into something profound I started
turned into something profound I started
turned into something profound I started writing about Mela and talking about her
writing about Mela and talking about her
writing about Mela and talking about her with trusted colleagues and pretty soon
with trusted colleagues and pretty soon
with trusted colleagues and pretty soon I had imagined my fixed mindset into
I had imagined my fixed mindset into
I had imagined my fixed mindset into someone tangible MELAS name for the
someone tangible MELAS name for the
someone tangible MELAS name for the character in To Kill a Mockingbird who
character in To Kill a Mockingbird who
character in To Kill a Mockingbird who falsely accuses Tom Robinson of rape
falsely accuses Tom Robinson of rape
falsely accuses Tom Robinson of rape she’s sad she’s pathetic
she’s sad she’s pathetic
she’s sad she’s pathetic she’s maltreated and she does this
she’s maltreated and she does this
she’s maltreated and she does this terrible horrific thing and even though
terrible horrific thing and even though
terrible horrific thing and even though you despised her for it
you despised her for it
you despised her for it you also pity her which is exactly how I
you also pity her which is exactly how I
you also pity her which is exactly how I feel about my mela mela shows up when i
feel about my mela mela shows up when i
feel about my mela mela shows up when i feel insecure or fearful that I’m not
feel insecure or fearful that I’m not
feel insecure or fearful that I’m not having an impact she loves it when I am
having an impact she loves it when I am
having an impact she loves it when I am overwhelmed and when she shows up I
overwhelmed and when she shows up I
overwhelmed and when she shows up I disappear literally into my bed and
disappear literally into my bed and
disappear literally into my bed and under the covers i disengage from my
under the covers i disengage from my
under the covers i disengage from my work and my responsibilities I do the
work and my responsibilities I do the
work and my responsibilities I do the bare minimum I know that I should get up
bare minimum I know that I should get up
bare minimum I know that I should get up and participate in
and participate in
and participate in world but I can’t I’m paralyzed
world but I can’t I’m paralyzed
world but I can’t I’m paralyzed this Mayola is easy to pity those who
this Mayola is easy to pity those who
this Mayola is easy to pity those who love me and know me best know if they
love me and know me best know if they
love me and know me best know if they just keep pushing in eventually I will
just keep pushing in eventually I will
just keep pushing in eventually I will emerge they understand this Mela and
emerge they understand this Mela and
emerge they understand this Mela and they recognizer as part of my struggle
they recognizer as part of my struggle
they recognizer as part of my struggle with anxiety and depression but a
with anxiety and depression but a
with anxiety and depression but a different Mela comes calling when I feel
different Mela comes calling when I feel
different Mela comes calling when I feel taken advantage of or mistreated this
taken advantage of or mistreated this
taken advantage of or mistreated this Mela is a mean girl her currency is
Mela is a mean girl her currency is
Mela is a mean girl her currency is social capital and attention and she is
social capital and attention and she is
social capital and attention and she is an expert at withholding both in order
an expert at withholding both in order
an expert at withholding both in order to punish those people she feels wronged
to punish those people she feels wronged
to punish those people she feels wronged by she is a thirteen year old girl
by she is a thirteen year old girl
by she is a thirteen year old girl excluding a friend and she makes me feel
excluding a friend and she makes me feel
excluding a friend and she makes me feel powerful but that’s an illusion in
powerful but that’s an illusion in
powerful but that’s an illusion in reality she makes me petty and she makes
reality she makes me petty and she makes
reality she makes me petty and she makes me vindictive when I first started
me vindictive when I first started
me vindictive when I first started talking about this Mela my friends were
talking about this Mela my friends were
talking about this Mela my friends were shocked no they would say Tashi you’re
shocked no they would say Tashi you’re
shocked no they would say Tashi you’re not like that
not like that
not like that but I can be I can be like that when I
but I can be I can be like that when I
but I can be I can be like that when I feel imperiled or threatened mean-girl
feel imperiled or threatened mean-girl
feel imperiled or threatened mean-girl mela shows up and she can be cruel this
mela shows up and she can be cruel this
mela shows up and she can be cruel this mela is easy to despise and so even
mela is easy to despise and so even
mela is easy to despise and so even though she can be a real bitch I need
though she can be a real bitch I need
though she can be a real bitch I need her it’s through my exploration of her
her it’s through my exploration of her
her it’s through my exploration of her that I can learn about the parts of
that I can learn about the parts of
that I can learn about the parts of myself I would rather overlook in fact
myself I would rather overlook in fact
myself I would rather overlook in fact imagining Mela has been so revealing I
imagining Mela has been so revealing I
imagining Mela has been so revealing I decided to talk to Quinn about how he
decided to talk to Quinn about how he
decided to talk to Quinn about how he imagines his fixed mindset meet gunner
so named because he shoots all of Quinns
so named because he shoots all of Quinns good feelings and he puts them in the
good feelings and he puts them in the
good feelings and he puts them in the trash and then he takes all of the stuff
trash and then he takes all of the stuff
trash and then he takes all of the stuff that would feed Quinn’s good feelings
that would feed Quinn’s good feelings
that would feed Quinn’s good feelings and he gives it to the bad feelings
and he gives it to the bad feelings
and he gives it to the bad feelings isn’t that insightful don’t we all have
isn’t that insightful don’t we all have
isn’t that insightful don’t we all have a gunner inside of us but it’s not
a gunner inside of us but it’s not
a gunner inside of us but it’s not enough to simply acknowledge our may
enough to simply acknowledge our may
enough to simply acknowledge our may Ella’s and our Gunners we must really
Ella’s and our Gunners we must really
Ella’s and our Gunners we must really get to know them so that we can as Durex
get to know them so that we can as Durex
get to know them so that we can as Durex suggests overcome them that’s what Quinn
suggests overcome them that’s what Quinn
suggests overcome them that’s what Quinn and I are doing when we talk about our
and I are doing when we talk about our
and I are doing when we talk about our fixed mindsets and this is the secret
fixed mindsets and this is the secret
fixed mindsets and this is the secret even though these things are hard to
even though these things are hard to
even though these things are hard to talk about even though it is scary to
talk about even though it is scary to
talk about even though it is scary to stand up here and tell all of you about
stand up here and tell all of you about
stand up here and tell all of you about the parts of myself I most want to hide
the parts of myself I most want to hide
the parts of myself I most want to hide it is in doing this that I’m overcoming
it is in doing this that I’m overcoming
it is in doing this that I’m overcoming my fixed mindset when I first met Mela
my fixed mindset when I first met Mela
my fixed mindset when I first met Mela I just wanted to tell her to get lost I
I just wanted to tell her to get lost I
I just wanted to tell her to get lost I thought that’s what Carol Dweck meant by
thought that’s what Carol Dweck meant by
thought that’s what Carol Dweck meant by overcoming your fixed mindset then I
overcoming your fixed mindset then I
overcoming your fixed mindset then I called Mela bitch and I exposed her to
called Mela bitch and I exposed her to
called Mela bitch and I exposed her to the world and that was really liberating
the world and that was really liberating
the world and that was really liberating and now I’ve discovered this new side of
and now I’ve discovered this new side of
and now I’ve discovered this new side of Mela one that is particularly difficult
Mela one that is particularly difficult
Mela one that is particularly difficult for me to embrace but the more fully I
for me to embrace but the more fully I
for me to embrace but the more fully I appreciate the complexity of Mela the
appreciate the complexity of Mela the
appreciate the complexity of Mela the more I see that overcoming a fixed
more I see that overcoming a fixed
more I see that overcoming a fixed mindset doesn’t mean banishing it
mindset doesn’t mean banishing it
mindset doesn’t mean banishing it overcoming a fixed mindset is in
overcoming a fixed mindset is in
overcoming a fixed mindset is in understanding it and the more I
understanding it and the more I
understanding it and the more I understand Mayella the more I see what a
understand Mayella the more I see what a
understand Mayella the more I see what a powerful learning partner she is so even
powerful learning partner she is so even
powerful learning partner she is so even though she can be difficult and she gets
though she can be difficult and she gets
though she can be difficult and she gets in my way and I’m definitely not proud
in my way and I’m definitely not proud
in my way and I’m definitely not proud of her I would like to express my
of her I would like to express my
of her I would like to express my gratitude to her
gratitude to her
gratitude to her thank you Mela I’m better for knowing
thank you Mela I’m better for knowing
thank you Mela I’m better for knowing you and though I worry about what our
you and though I worry about what our
you and though I worry about what our next encounter might bring I know I will
next encounter might bring I know I will
next encounter might bring I know I will leave it stronger and wiser and was a
leave it stronger and wiser and was a
leave it stronger and wiser and was a better understanding of both of us thank
better understanding of both of us thank
better understanding of both of us thank you
you
you [Music]
[Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
”
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