I am so excited to be here this afternoon I’m also incredibly nervous
afternoon I’m also incredibly nervous
afternoon I’m also incredibly nervous turns out public speaking is terrifying
turns out public speaking is terrifying
turns out public speaking is terrifying which is why I feel like it’s only fair
which is why I feel like it’s only fair
which is why I feel like it’s only fair to share with you guys that in my mind
to share with you guys that in my mind
to share with you guys that in my mind each one of you is absolutely buck naked
each one of you is absolutely buck naked
each one of you is absolutely buck naked yeah yeah I have friends in the front
yeah yeah I have friends in the front
yeah yeah I have friends in the front row here they’re trying not to make eye
row here they’re trying not to make eye
row here they’re trying not to make eye contact with me but now that we all feel
contact with me but now that we all feel
contact with me but now that we all feel uncomfortable I’d like to share with you
uncomfortable I’d like to share with you
uncomfortable I’d like to share with you a little something that’s helped me out
a little something that’s helped me out
a little something that’s helped me out that I think could potentially help you
that I think could potentially help you
that I think could potentially help you out it’s a little hashtag lifehack I
out it’s a little hashtag lifehack I
out it’s a little hashtag lifehack I like to call unleashing your inner
like to call unleashing your inner
like to call unleashing your inner burger pervert I’m just kidding I
burger pervert I’m just kidding I
burger pervert I’m just kidding I actually I have no idea what that speech
actually I have no idea what that speech
actually I have no idea what that speech would even entail I just thought it
would even entail I just thought it
would even entail I just thought it might make for a pretty dope Facebook
might make for a pretty dope Facebook
might make for a pretty dope Facebook profile picture
profile picture
profile picture but seriously burgers there is no word
but seriously burgers there is no word
but seriously burgers there is no word in the English language that holds more
in the English language that holds more
in the English language that holds more power over me I like to say that a good
power over me I like to say that a good
power over me I like to say that a good burger should leave you wanting a
burger should leave you wanting a
burger should leave you wanting a cigarette in a confessional and I know
cigarette in a confessional and I know
cigarette in a confessional and I know you know what I’m talking about because
you know what I’m talking about because
you know what I’m talking about because there’s no way you’ve made it this far
there’s no way you’ve made it this far
there’s no way you’ve made it this far in life without sinking your teeth into
in life without sinking your teeth into
in life without sinking your teeth into a delicious burger right
a delicious burger right
a delicious burger right it’s literally the most popular sandwich
it’s literally the most popular sandwich
it’s literally the most popular sandwich in the world almost every culture has
in the world almost every culture has
in the world almost every culture has made it their own and in fact since I’ve
made it their own and in fact since I’ve
made it their own and in fact since I’ve been on the stage alone hundreds if not
been on the stage alone hundreds if not
been on the stage alone hundreds if not thousands of burgers have been ordered
thousands of burgers have been ordered
thousands of burgers have been ordered or consumed worldwide what a time to be
or consumed worldwide what a time to be
or consumed worldwide what a time to be alive guys
alive guys
alive guys but what is a burger right if I were to
but what is a burger right if I were to
but what is a burger right if I were to ask you guys to close your eyes and
ask you guys to close your eyes and
ask you guys to close your eyes and picture your perfect burger is it more
picture your perfect burger is it more
picture your perfect burger is it more of a Big Mac or a White Castle slider
of a Big Mac or a White Castle slider
of a Big Mac or a White Castle slider what is the patty construct is there
what is the patty construct is there
what is the patty construct is there cheese a coochie mom maybe you’re
cheese a coochie mom maybe you’re
cheese a coochie mom maybe you’re Australian and say hey I need a pickled
Australian and say hey I need a pickled
Australian and say hey I need a pickled beet up in this mix what is it that
beet up in this mix what is it that
beet up in this mix what is it that defines a burger what are the rules well
defines a burger what are the rules well
defines a burger what are the rules well ask anybody and they’re gonna have their
ask anybody and they’re gonna have their
ask anybody and they’re gonna have their own definition must have maybe an animal
own definition must have maybe an animal
own definition must have maybe an animal protein like beef well I’m sure there
protein like beef well I’m sure there
protein like beef well I’m sure there are a few of you in this audience today
are a few of you in this audience today
are a few of you in this audience today that are vegetarian and say hell no or
that are vegetarian and say hell no or
that are vegetarian and say hell no or let’s just say all of India right maybe
let’s just say all of India right maybe
let’s just say all of India right maybe it’s a sesame seed bun well any Shake
it’s a sesame seed bun well any Shake
it’s a sesame seed bun well any Shake Shack loyalist is going to know that
Shack loyalist is going to know that
Shack loyalist is going to know that there’s nary a seed on any of their
there’s nary a seed on any of their
there’s nary a seed on any of their burgers condiments maybe it’s condiments
burgers condiments maybe it’s condiments
burgers condiments maybe it’s condiments historically speaking the very first
historically speaking the very first
historically speaking the very first burger if the og burger had zero
burger if the og burger had zero
burger if the og burger had zero condiments that’s not my burger that’s
condiments that’s not my burger that’s
condiments that’s not my burger that’s not what I grew up with in fact what we
not what I grew up with in fact what we
not what I grew up with in fact what we call a chicken sandwich in the US the UK
call a chicken sandwich in the US the UK
call a chicken sandwich in the US the UK calls a chicken burger and so it goes
calls a chicken burger and so it goes
calls a chicken burger and so it goes for whatever rule you want to slap on a
for whatever rule you want to slap on a
for whatever rule you want to slap on a burger there’s always gonna be something
burger there’s always gonna be something
burger there’s always gonna be something it’s like actually so when I started
it’s like actually so when I started
it’s like actually so when I started porn burger kind of making and
porn burger kind of making and
porn burger kind of making and photographing one ridiculous burger week
photographing one ridiculous burger week
photographing one ridiculous burger week I was asking myself these very same
I was asking myself these very same
I was asking myself these very same questions kind of playing a game of
questions kind of playing a game of
questions kind of playing a game of Jenga if you will
Jenga if you will
Jenga if you will what tiles can I move and still keep you
what tiles can I move and still keep you
what tiles can I move and still keep you know the stack intact can I remove the
know the stack intact can I remove the
know the stack intact can I remove the bun
bun
bun this one has fried macaroni and cheese
this one has fried macaroni and cheese
this one has fried macaroni and cheese and lobster as the protein right
and lobster as the protein right
and lobster as the protein right this one is skewered on a single piece
this one is skewered on a single piece
this one is skewered on a single piece of bread Pinchot style can’t does the
of bread Pinchot style can’t does the
of bread Pinchot style can’t does the paddy have to be cooked can I eat it for
paddy have to be cooked can I eat it for
paddy have to be cooked can I eat it for breakfast
breakfast
breakfast or maybe a snack can I drink this mofo
we love Bill Murray ever want to hang
we love Bill Murray ever want to hang out with me if he sees the bill you
out with me if he sees the bill you
out with me if he sees the bill you marry me Berger so if there’s no single
marry me Berger so if there’s no single
marry me Berger so if there’s no single characteristic that makes a burger a
characteristic that makes a burger a
characteristic that makes a burger a burger I’m just gonna throw this out
burger I’m just gonna throw this out
burger I’m just gonna throw this out there see if it sticks
there see if it sticks
there see if it sticks maybe there is no burger have you guys
maybe there is no burger have you guys
maybe there is no burger have you guys ever seen the matrix if you haven’t get
ever seen the matrix if you haven’t get
ever seen the matrix if you haven’t get stoned immediately and watch it it’s
stoned immediately and watch it it’s
stoned immediately and watch it it’s great there’s this character we call neo
great there’s this character we call neo
great there’s this character we call neo Keanu Reeves and he’s going to seed the
Keanu Reeves and he’s going to seed the
Keanu Reeves and he’s going to seed the Oracle to see if he’s the one as the one
Oracle to see if he’s the one as the one
Oracle to see if he’s the one as the one often does right and he gets there and
often does right and he gets there and
often does right and he gets there and he meets this kid who is potentially
he meets this kid who is potentially
he meets this kid who is potentially also the one and this kid is bending
also the one and this kid is bending
also the one and this kid is bending spoons with his frickin mind man and he
spoons with his frickin mind man and he
spoons with his frickin mind man and he Anna Reeves very naturally it’s like
Anna Reeves very naturally it’s like
Anna Reeves very naturally it’s like whoa how did you and the kid says do not
whoa how did you and the kid says do not
whoa how did you and the kid says do not try and bend the spoon that’s impossible
try and bend the spoon that’s impossible
try and bend the spoon that’s impossible instead only try to realize the truth
instead only try to realize the truth
instead only try to realize the truth what truth there is no spoon then you’ll
what truth there is no spoon then you’ll
what truth there is no spoon then you’ll see that it’s not the spoon that bends
see that it’s not the spoon that bends
see that it’s not the spoon that bends it’s only yourself it’s not the spoon
it’s only yourself it’s not the spoon
it’s only yourself it’s not the spoon that bends it’s only yourself it’s not
that bends it’s only yourself it’s not
that bends it’s only yourself it’s not the burger that bends it’s only yourself
the burger that bends it’s only yourself
the burger that bends it’s only yourself that’s to say that who you are as a
that’s to say that who you are as a
that’s to say that who you are as a person has essentially manifested this
person has essentially manifested this
person has essentially manifested this burger you hold ideal into reality there
burger you hold ideal into reality there
burger you hold ideal into reality there is no burger but your burger one could
is no burger but your burger one could
is no burger but your burger one could also say that it’s the intention of
also say that it’s the intention of
also say that it’s the intention of making a burger that makes a burger
making a burger that makes a burger
making a burger that makes a burger right I’m making this therefore it is
right I’m making this therefore it is
right I’m making this therefore it is well who cares why is this guy just up
well who cares why is this guy just up
well who cares why is this guy just up here saying burger on repeat right well
here saying burger on repeat right well
here saying burger on repeat right well I’ll leave you with this because if a
I’ll leave you with this because if a
I’ll leave you with this because if a burger is simply a construct of our own
burger is simply a construct of our own
burger is simply a construct of our own rules change the rules and you can
rules change the rules and you can
rules change the rules and you can change the game change one game and
change the game change one game and
change the game change one game and suddenly you’ll realize you can change
suddenly you’ll realize you can change
suddenly you’ll realize you can change other games as well basically what I’m
other games as well basically what I’m
other games as well basically what I’m really really trying to say here is
really really trying to say here is
really really trying to say here is unleash your freakin inner burger
unleash your freakin inner burger
unleash your freakin inner burger pervert thank you guys
pervert thank you guys
pervert thank you guys [Applause]
”
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